Original subtitles

Oh!

OK, they're obviously not coming.

We've got to practise it.

I'll be fine without them actually catching me, right?

Um... probably not.

I mean, they are catching you for a reason, Stef.

It's cool.

Watch me fly.

Ugh! Oh.

Huh. Oh, fuck.

Hot chocolate, please, Mummy. Morning.

It's the afternoon. Whatever.

Uh! We were meant to have a rehearsal.

I spent my morning lying unconscious on the floor of a gym.

What were you doing?

Really proactive day, dude.

I knocked out 14 tanks and a weapons dump single-handed,

and then did some sleeping.

Ash? Ash?

Coming through.

Coming through. Excuse me.

Jesus! I nearly died in there, man.

We were supposed to rehearse the cheerleader bit. Where were you?

Here with the cheerleaders.

Oh, so this is where they all are?

Is that an ice pack? Pass it here.

Got carpet burns on my knees.

Excuse me, sorry. Thank you.

We didn't even do it on the carpet.

Fuck's sake.

The thing is with cheerleaders, they're really encouraging. Stef! Come back.

I'm establishing a connection.

Beep-beep! Newsflash!

I'm holding the band together, and you guys don't do shit.

Newsflash over.

Well, that's not true. The other day,

I considered answering the door.

And I've been spending 15 minutes less in the shower, every day.

Chevy, we have a management problem.

It's really pissing me off, you know.

You give me a tenner. Look, I'll show you what the problem is.

Oh, have you got a 20 in there?

Um... Give us that.

I'm not going to do nothing.

OK, see that banknote?

It's one banknote.

But it's got two sides.

And that is Dru and Ash.

They're one problem... with two solutions.

Now, you've got Zoe, yeah?

That is the perfect number of girlfriends to get shit done, dog!

Ash, he's got too many girlfriends. That's why he's always knackered.

And Dru, well, he's got none so he's a junkie to the Xbox thingy,

and, let me tell you, Stef, you don't want to be in business with a junkie!

Present company excluded.

What we need is an intervention.

But how are we going to have an intervention?

There's only two of us.

Abdul! Can I borrow your pen?

Got some more ketchup as well?

Ash. No sex till you finish the new video.

Yes, indeed! That's no porn.

No fingering. No girls.

Nothing involving your penis other than piss.

What if he's got a piss fetish?

Do you, Ash? Do you like piss?

Dru. You need to get yourself some pussy. It'll help you concentrate.

Truth bombs in your faces, bitches!

Boom.

And, Dru, you need to find a girlfriend.

Your Xbox is bullshit.

No substitute for a meaningful, loving relationship.

What?

? It's the year of the beast!

? I'm on it like Sonic!

? It is on like Donkey Kong

? I'm gonna tell you like... ?

Shut up!

Just do the song. OK.

? ...I like games, they're hot to turn on

? You can cheat 'em and they don't get pissed when you're gone

? You complete them They don't hang around wanting more

? And the only thing that matters is to get top score

? Girlfriends just whine and bitch and moan

? But I can get more pleasure when I'm sitting on my own

? Girlfriends just bitch and moan and whine

? Get out of my fucking room, whore! Read the sign!

? I don't want to take Pebbles for a walk in the street!

? I don't want to take you dancing It hurts my feet!

? How come my friends understand when I feel pissed off

? I want to put my cock in Lara Croft

? Video games are better than girlfriends

? Cos you don't have to do things to keep them happy

? You just play them and have numerous amounts of fun

? Fair play, baby!

? Life would be better as a video game

? I could ride a dragon through the sky like a plane

? I could solve a problem with a fight to the death

? For the last can of beans

? Or a glimpse of a breast

? I get paper from robbing all the banks

? Up, down, left, right, turn

? Get a tank

? Get a tank ? RSI on my thumbs from Call Of Duty

? I'd rather shoot my load at a virtual booty!

? I don't want to give advice on your newest dress

? I don't want to wear a trilby! Give it a rest!

? How come my friends understand when I feel pissed off?

? I want to put my dongle in Microsoft!

? Video games are better than girlfriends

? Cos you don't have to think of a conversation, you just look a... ?

What's going on? Zoe, why are you here?

Stef, I have to say I feel a little bit disappointed.

You clearly haven't responded to our chat.

No, I have. It's just been really busy.

I've had no chance to go through the changes with the guys.

What changes?

It is no biggie. It's just a couple of tweaks

that I completely made myself. Um... we'll go through it later.

It's fine. No, do it now.

Now? Er... OK, cool. All right. It's really good.

You're going to love this.

? Video games are not as good as girlfriends!

? Cos they don't give you any emotional support

? Or tell you how you can improve! ?

Fucking hell, dude.

Stef, we need a little chatty of our own.

? Video games are better than girlfriends

? Cos you don't have to think of a conversation

? You just look at 'em and turn 'em off when you're bored and done

? My time with Mario is better than time with you

? You can call me a saddo... ?

Saddo.

? ...But it's all I want to do

? I'm scared of bajingas

? They make me want to hurl

? As long as I have fingers I'll never need a girl. ?

Dru. You're getting a girlfriend for the sake of the band.

And, Ash, just do the opposite.

Not getting Dru a girlfriend?

No girlfriends. Doesn't matter what age, race, height, whatever.

OK, cool. Yeah, I can do that.

Oh!

? Yeah, yeah

? Yeah, yeah

? Don't get pregnant... ?

Saucy bacon on your legs.

Come on, man, focus.

So, are we cool?

Yeah, fine. Fuck it.

It'll be easy.

Don't! No, no, no.

Get out!

No! I can't do it!

Listen to me, Dru. Real girls have wearable vaginas.

Go on, try one on for size.

Go on, Dru, the world is your oyster.

Go! Be free! Make love! Stop playing games.

My precious.

Oh, my precious.

Yes. That girl on the bus looked at you.

Yes, she looked so warm and inviting.

No, don't. Don't get too excited. We promised Stef.

Double-care hair serum?

Small-eye biggening lotion.

Concealer?

Guys!

Guys? I think a woman might have moved into the flat.

It's a girl with low self-esteem, so it can't be Zoe.

I didn't bring anyone back, cos I'm not allowed.

Why is he back on it?

He got a girlfriend.

She's boiling you an egg.

Oh, my God.

You have to be Ashley. I've made you an egg.

Maybe you can call it Eggly, or Egg-ash, or Egg-ogly.

Take my gift, Ashley.

OK.

Where did you find this one?

On the stairs hanging around.

Frog, my ear itches!

Oh!

Did I get it? Did I get the itch?

Did I find it, yeah? Now?

Now? Shall I scratch inside your ear or behind the ear?

Did I get it yet? Dru?

Dru-ci-lamb?

Yeah, Frog, you got it. So, what do you guys think?

I like, um...

I like...

that she knows where to scratch you?

So, er... what makes you two kinda tick?

Ah, where to begin?

'Aaah!'

Yes!

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

She makes him happy, but we're unhappy.

Does that make us even?

This is on you, bitch.

You told him to find a girl. It's a girl.

Fuck, my balls are aching.

What's up, gaylords?

Zoe, word of advice.

You should say it like "Zo-ey",

then it would be like you're always on the swings.

Or, buy some marijuana for the gang, and everyone will be like,

"Pass the Zoe-weed, man! Cool, cool, cool."

Frog, I'm hungry.

Excuse me. You're in my way.

Open wide for cheesy chippings!

They're... They're so cheesy.

He hasn't physically fed himself since he met her.

Er... Dru? Sorry to interrupt.

But you do know we've got an important rehearsal later?

Mm-hm.

Can we have a word, please?

That means you physically standing in the corridor without Frog.

Hah?

I miss you already! If you were a religion, I'd be Druid!

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

Don't keep me on pause, guys.

Dru? About Frog.

You wanted me to get a girl and I've got one.

But it would be OK to get a different one.

Frog works for me.

Frog works for me.

Frog? Did you hide eggs in my pocket?

You're welcome!

I've gotta go, guys. I miss her too much.

See you at rehearsal? Don't worry about it.

Give us a couple of hours, eh?

Ugh!

One, three, five, seven.

One, three, five, seven.

Great.

See you at the shoot.

What? Where are you going? Come on!

Come here, you! Come here.

Not long to go, mate. Stay strong.

Hiya, peoples.

Did you kill and eat Dru?

Druella de Vil is stuck on level 42 of Slap Bass Heroes.

So, I'll rehearse for him. I'm excellent.

She's pretty good.

I get upside-down dizzy.

Let's do it again!

Mate, we need to sort out this Frog thing.

Do we know anyone that'll kill her for 20 quid?

Time to parlay, dollies!

Frog, take the meeting for me.

Not a problem.

Agenda point one, building a statue of Dru.

We could make it out of gold?

Frog! Up the fuck off!

Frog! Up the fuck off! Overruled.

I would like to build a big thing and...

Don't listen to him, darling. You're my everything.

Dru! Dru!

You're my whole world.

What are you doing?

If he's not rehearsing I'm getting laid.

I swear my cock lost an inch overnight. Give it back.

Listen, you old cow.

You're screwing up the band,

and the band's my ticket to an affordable drug habit.

So find another boyfriend!

I can't!

He's a drug, only it's spelt without the G. And he needs me!

If we weren't together, he'd be really stuck on Resident Evil.

Listen, boys...

I know junkies.

In 1997, I took so much of Colombia's national product,

I still thought it was 1996.

And you, my friend, are a junkie for the thingy box!

Dru?

I'm setting you free!

Aaah!

Aaah!

Dude, are you all right?

Dru-pert. Hotel Dru-anda.

Make mine a Dru-ball. Um... Dru-castle Dru-nited.

Keys to the van, Sloman.

Going somewhere nice?

Running away with a games console and a girl.

Ooh. Is she nice?

I've got no idea.

Ah, young love.

I remember when I first met Philippa.

We were children ourselves, really,

playing sticky-fingered games of sexy doctor and reluctant nurse.

Huh-huh! And then Frog came along.

Frog?

Yeah, we named her Sharnia, but, oh, no.

No, Daddy's ideas are never good enough for the women in his family,

so now she's Frog.

Frog is your daughter?

The union between my innocent sperm and her infernal egg.

She went home yesterday.

Are you all right, mate?

No.

Um, do you want to come in and lie down on my bed?

Definitely not.

Oh, fuck. Oh!

Time for you to go home to your mother, Sharnia.

No! Dru needs me!

Did Peter Crouch need you?

Hm? Did Phillip Schofield?

Maybe you can be with Dru after you've turned 14?

What?

What?

14? She's 14.

She's a child.

You knew what you were doing. You knew.

Ah, ha-ha! Only joking, Drood.

You're not a paedophile.

You're in the clear by at least six months. Ha-ha!

What do you want me to do?

I think... I think you'd better go home.

All right, then. Bye, Dad!

Bye.

Problem solved, then. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh!

Finished with that tinnie, mate?

Ha! Booze bonus.

Fuck you, Stef. Fuck you, Ash.

Why don't you go and have sex with a tramp who's got AIDS?

Fuck you, Stef! Fuck you, Ash!

Why don't you go and have sex with a tramp who's got AIDS?

Fuck you, Stef! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck you! Fucker!

Fuck you!

AIDS! AIDS!

AIDS.

I like it.

Question - is it what the fans are looking for?

You... you are coming to the shoot, right?

Fuck you!

Sounds like a no.

So I can get my cock back out?

Sure.

Why don't you use it

to bang the final nail into the coffin of this band?

Bang, bang, bang.

So, um... to sum up, I think I would make a great solicitor. I work hard,

I enjoy the law very much, and I play seven instruments.

Can you send my application form to...

Um... hang on, Cynthia, I'll call you back.

Bye. Bye-bye. Bye.

I've decided to become a lawyer.

Basically, the band's fucked. I killed it. I killed the band.

You haven't killed it. You just punched it in the teeth

and gave it botulism.

Ash?

Hey, man. Just got laid, like fucking loads,

and if I wasn't in the band, there'd only be like

4 girls instead of the 12 girls that got their minds a little bit blown.

This band matters to my cock, so it matters to me.

Hug it out, bitch. Come here.

What is that poking my leg?

It just gets very excited over any physical contact.

Can actually...

feel it on my thigh. Get the fuck...

Stay close. Ssh! Why do you want that?

I need a girl who understands that sometimes,

which is most of the time, the games in my life come first,

you know, like... somebody's going to bring me food.

I don't need a talker because... I don't have things to discuss.

I need a girl who's gone when I need space,

but who'd be there when I don't need space.

And when I want to get off with them.

Do you want to come back to my place?

Sweet.

Seriously? Do I have to do this again?

If you want the video to happen? Yes. Just don't break your neck.

Stef! Wait.

Dru? You're back! Yeah, man.

And I've brought a real gymnast so you don't have to die.

He's a distant relative of my new girlfriend,

and let me say the resemblance is striking.

Come on out, Stef.

It's the year of the breast.

Beast.

Who cares? Let's do this shit!

What the fudge was Mr Jones on about back there?

I don't know, man! But that guy is some kind of crazy!

Are we going to show these kids how to kick it, or what?

You're damn right we are! Let's do this thing!

? Life could be cool Like American high school

? High school is cool

? We dance around and use dollars not pounds

? Different currency!

? Standing on a car playing my guitar!

? When we reach the final curtain

? There's one thing we know for certain

? Because we all love a happy ending

? We're blessed, we're the best

? We're all fucking amazing

? We all love a happy feeling

? Let's all have a ball cos life is a musical!

? Life! Life! Life is a musical!

? Life! Life! Life is a musical!

? We stick together whatever the weather

? Sunshine!

? Rain!

? Brother to brother In love with each other

? Whoa!

? But we're not gay! I mean it, OK?

? Come on, yeah!

? We all love a happy ending

? Look, there's a clown! There's no frowns in this town!

? We all love a happy feeling

? Let's all have a ball

? Cos life is a musical

? The Midnight Beasts are everywhere

? Now everybody throw your hands in the air!

? The Midnight Beasts are in the place

? Now everybody slap yourself in your face

? Now everybody slap your friend in the face

? Whoa!

? We all love a happy ending!

? I once was a limb Now I'm dressed as a tree

? We all love a happy feeling

? No need to have timing! We're all bloody miming!

? We all love a happy ending!

? You'll look like a dick and you'll dance till you're sick! ?

Did I ruin it?

Yeah, just a bit.

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