Original subtitles

Why are we in a car park, again?

Feels like a really weird place to be doing a photo shoot for a TV show.

We're here cos bands are like cars.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Who are those guys?

They're called Shadow Rack. They're on the same show as you.

This is amazing, Chevy. Are we doing a proper TV appearance?

Why are they so moody?

Did you say something funny, little boy-band fellow?

No, sorry. Sorry, man.

Yeah, he did.

He was wondering why you're so aggro when you're clearly using your mum's make-up.

That's rich, coming from a bunch of X Factor rejects.

Look at you! You're like star students from the school of wankers.

No offence, but when you play,

do you even have a message for the kids?

Apart from that message being...

? We are really shit. ?

So sad. You've got no identity, no coherent identity at all.

Actually, I think you'll find we've got three.

Wow, great comeback, guys. Fucking boy band!

Let me guess. You're the brainless fuck doll, yeah?

Like the sexy one?

Yeah.

Maybe if you were a 12-year-old girl with issues. Ooh!

I think you'll find you're the fuck doll in this equation.

Oh, do you like equations, do you? Well, here's one for you.

Er... spliff plus pizza equals you, fatty!

Easy on the band, toothy pegs.

Back up, baby Bez!

All right, Gimli!

Don't worry about it. They stand for nothing at all.

When we play, we're saving the world, yeah?

But you're not a band, you're a bland. You're ear fluff.

Ugh! What's this?

Hey, Shadow Rack, amazing as ever.

Midnight, you're up.

Don't break the lens, hey?

Man, you really are shit.

Don't let them get under your skin. They sound like dicks.

Damn straight.

True, that.

Knee drop!

What?

I'm just joining in.

? Cos I'm quirky

? Cos I'm quirky

? Cos I'm quirky

? When I'm 30 Why?

? Cos I'm quirky

? Not married but I wear a wedding ring on my hand

? I go to sleep when I want cos I don't have bedtime plans

? Don't obey by the rules Sometimes I don't even care

? If I'm out eating at a buffet I'll have more than my share

? What?

? I'm a bad influence

? Don't hang around with me

? I ride my bike on the pavement Wear my clothes in the shower

? I'm straight-up crazy

? I've got a beard

? I've got an Afro

? I've got eyebrows that rock!

? So if you want to out-quirky us then take your best shot!

? I don't sing in tune

? Why? Cos I'm quirky

? Backwards lyrics my of all rap I

? Cos I'm quirky

? I sip my coffee through a straw

? Bitch! ? Cos I'm quirky

? And I'll still rock a cap when I'm 30

? Why? Cos I'm quirky

? The other day I had a piece of toast but I didn't even butter it

? It tasted gross!

? I don't care what I do! I'm a real live wire!

? I hold a match till it burns! I'm playing with fire!

? Fuck vegetables! I don't eat none of that shit!

? Fuck education! I don't study one little bit!

? Fuck the Fonz!

? He thinks he's fucking cooler than me!

? And fuck singing this song! Cos I'm too quirky to sing!

? I wear red and pink! Why?

? Cos I'm quirky

? I greet you with a goodbye

? Cos I'm quirky

? I have 11 beers a day! Why?

? Cos I'm quir... ?

No, that just makes you an alcoholic.

? And I'll still have a beard when I'm 30

? Why? Cos I'm quirky

? Ripping a hole in your jeans

? Owning a pink limousine

? Learning to ride a unicycle while you're dressed as the Queen

? Fighting a bear with one hand

? Getting a full-body tan

? Joining a post-apocalyptic Gothic hardcore band

? I like Home Alone 3 Cos I'm quirky

? I'm drinking peppermint tea

? Cos I'm quirky

? I've got a picture of the Hoff, see?

? Cos I'm quirky

? And I'll still rock a cap when I'm 30

? Why? Cos I'm quirky! ?

I'm gonna go write some music.

I'm gonna get laid.

And I'm gonna go and smoke this rather strong spliff.

? Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh... ?

No.

? Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh I'm with my best friend

? Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

? We're having fun

? Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

? With my... ?

'You've got no identity, no coherent identity at all.

'At all. At all...'

This sucks. We suck.

'You're ear fluff. Ear fluff.'

We are ear fluff.

'Ear fluff...'

Our music has no identity.

We need to do something different with our look, like Lady Gaga.

Stef, you've tried hiding your penis before. It just doesn't suit you.

No, I mean how Gaga adds a bit of theatre to her shows,

and sings about things that really matter.

'Maybe if you're a 12-year-old girl with issues, issues...'

It's OK, babe.

'..Issues...'

I've had it happen to loads of guys. I think it's sweet

It's not you.

It's just this thing about 12-year-old girls that's got me really worked up.

Sicko!

I'm not into 12-year-olds!

Women trouble? You've come to the right place.

Step inside, Ash.

'Well, here's one for you.

'Spliff plus pizza equals you, fatty.

'Fatty! Fatty!'

Oh, I've been there, Ashley.

Yeah, believe me.

The penis is a highly intelligent organ.

It senses betrayal.

It has a keen eye for a woman's scorn.

It can sniff it from a mile away.

That's why we need to drug it.

Drug my penis?

Yeah, it's a bit like getting it drunk.

Lowers the standards and stops it over-thinking things.

I call it "the divorcee".

Stef, I'm fine with you experimenting with your image, but buy your own eyeliner.

That stuff is really expensive.

Why's it called Irony, anyway?

It's made by blind people in Laos.

That's terrible. It's horrible.

Very good at what they do.

I've got it.

We're becoming a politically motivated hardcore band,

singing about eyeliner injustice all over the world and... other stuff.

Ash! Ash, get in here!

Nearly there! Nearly there!

Aa-aa-ah!

I just turned the light on with my dick.

Why did you do that?

Because I can.

You can go faster than that!

Look at the monsters! Shit.

The monsters are gonna get you! Quicker!

Quicker! A lot quicker! Quicker! Quicker! Quicker!

Mm! Mm! Mm!

And cool down!

Well, it's one minute.

So, you've run the length of three buses.

Got to be...

easier... way.

What you need is some steroids.

Give me.

There might be some side effects.

You know, a bit of anger. But you'll be all right.

What..ever.

What's going on with you?

What's going on with that?

Point it somewhere else!

It won't go down. It's really sensitive. Just a little bit of friction and...

Oh! Stop that. No, no.

Don't tell me. Ugh!

I can't believe I just saw your come face. That was awful.

Why are your eyes bigger?

It's part of the tough new look.

We're becoming a politically motivated hardcore band.

Shadow Rack are gonna get blown away by our coherentness.

How's the anger working for you, Dru?

Fucking stupid ball I'm gonna smash its hair out

and then you can inject some more of your angry juice into my butt!

It's all right, mate. It's not like it sounds.

Fucking...

Ugh. Aah!

So, what do you think? Pretty coherent, right?

Well, I've strapped it down, but it itches every time I walk.

So, mixed feelings really.

Why the fuck do you look like that?

Loving the anger, man.

Stef's written us a new song. It's called Sensible Shit.

Censor Shit.

Hang on. What is that?

It's the saxophone.

It looks shit. It's not even metal.

It's got some metal on it.

No, dude, it's wrong.

All right, I'll make it even more hardcore.

Yeah, I've got something in the van.

You won't be disappointed.

? Swearing in the name of

? Nothing!

? Get so much pussy

? They should call me a vet

? Your mum called Asking if I knew her name yet

? I want revolution But I don't know what it means!

? I'd never sleep with an animal that was under 16

? Fuck you! I never do what I'm told

? Fuck you! My dick is made out of gold

? Fuck you! Fuck you!

? Don't give me this shit!

? Fuck you! And fucking censor shit!

? Fuck you! I'll never do what I'm told

? Wish that I hated my dad but he's not that bad

? I've got a microphone and testosterone

? I'm just an angry guy!

? But I don't know why!

? I hate everything!

? Swearing in the name of nothing! ?

We'd better go. It's time to blow Shadow Rack away.

And tear the TV audience's fucking heads off!

What's the show again?

It's called Animals Of Music. How heavy is that?

Come in, everybody!

? Hiding in big trees deep in the blue sea

? Some of them tall and some of them small

? Singing their song wherever they go

? You can sing too with the animals... ? Hello, panda!

? The animals... ? Hello, monkey!

? The Animals Of Music show. ?

Fuck everything! Yeah!

Yeah!

Aaah! Oh! Oh!

Mate, you're coming more than a porn star in debt.

I can't help it. These rubber trousers keep rubbing me off.

Oh, look who we have here! The newly coherent Midnight Yeast

Wow, you look hardcore. But that won't help you, bitches.

I've got it, guys. So, what's in the big box that's clearly so cool?

Well, I would tell you, but it involves a few long words, Socrates.

So, you're dissing my socks now? Huh! Lame-o alert! Ha-ha-ha!

Yeah, right. Well, see you later, little Goth rejects.

And, by the way, great integrity.

Integrity? That's not even a word! Ha-ha! Yeah, that's right, you're an...

Aaah!

Ash, how are you gonna perform if you jizz every five minutes?

I need to reduce the friction. Like lie down, sit down, crawl.

Oh, hey, guys. I'm Sadie, the presenter.

We've got a break while Shadow Rack set up. They're going to roll tunes.

Do you guys party?

What, like a birthday party?

Yeah, right. Come on in.

Awesome.

Three in the afternoon shots. Loving the look, boys.

This is just who we are.

Yeah?

We sleep like this.

Yeah?

Yeah, my husband used to be hardcore before he got chubby and lost it.

But, anyway, down in one, yeah?

Obviously.

Ugh! Oh! Ah.

Oh, not strong enough, that

Oh, I need this.

It's like a zoo out there.

The kind of animals we have on this show. Oh, you have no idea.

You do it for the kids, though, right? Keeping it real?

Yeah, exactly! You can get changed in here.

Fucking shrinking budgets on this show means we've only got one dressing room.

I've got to get back out there.

Don't forget to smile for the cameras.

What does she mean, get changed?

No idea.

She is fit. My balls are hurting.

Surely you can't have anything left in 'em.

It's probably just a puff of wind and a creaky noise when you jizz.

Now get out of me way. I just wanna see what she's got on that shelf.

It's these trousers, man. I need to cut a hole in them, or something.

What, and sit there with your dick hanging out live on television?

Look, guys, we're on in two minutes.

Find something cool and hardcore-looking to hide your boner in.

We need a fuck-off attitude when we're up there on stage.

Come on, boys, let's do national television!

Yeah!

Aaah! I'll catch you up. I'll just look for something.

She made me angry! Everybody's making me fucking angry!

We've gotta keep it intimidating.

Guys! Guys! I've just seen the set

Have you checked your passes? Animals Of Music?

Yeah, hardcore! Grrr!

No, Stef, animals as in cats, pigs and shiny cuddly goldfish.

It's a kids' TV show.

Stef, you're playing to children.

Look at the puppets!

? We like the sky blue You know what to do

? Take my advice and... ?

Look at them! Lame!

Dude, that's Shadow Rack. We've got to do that too!

? ..And other swell things

? We'll preserve the planet for you... ?

Er... yeah. Er... I was gonna...

Right, they asked me, "Do kids like ya?"

I was like, "Yeah, man, they're down with the kids."

But I thought they meant kids-kids, like teenagers, not fucking infants!

Have you not heard Censor Shit?

It's mostly angry swearing! I'll have to rewrite it!

One minute to Midnight Beast.

In one minute!

'Some animals only exist after midnight!'

What kind of beast am I talking about?

The Midnight Beast! Hooray!

Move, lion! Go on, all of you! You all displease me!

Little bit cross! Ha-ha!

Hello, Sadie.

Hello!

Hi. Um... sorry about him. Um... Ashley's just coming.

He's on his way.

I'm here! I had to cut a hole. This is the only thing I could find to put on it.

Oh, you've got a little friend! Ha-ha!

Sorry it's not more hardcore.

No, dude, that's hardcore!

Yeah. And talking of hardcore, it's time for our hardcore intro!

No, mate, we've changed.

We are the motherfucking...

God! I need animal noises now!

Suck my...

Wow!

Wow!

Wow! Yeah!

We need more delay on this live transmission.

What about a song for all the children watching at home?

This is for children?

Yes. Hello, children! Ha-ha!

I'm going to get Big Brown Bear. He would love to hear a song!

Just sing the new lyrics, mate, hm?

Play that song, Mr... Bear.

What is this?

Sing it, read it.

OK.

? I like cats They should call me a vet

? Your mum's nice so I treat her with respoct

? Respect I hate cabbages, man They make me really mean

? I'd never eat my dinner if there were too many greens!

? I'm so happy to do what you tell me!

? Yee-ha! I'm gonna do what you tell me! Dru!

? Gravestones and blood!

? Pouring blood from every orifice... ?

Ash! Ash, maybe you have a go.

? Happiness and clouds and rainbows all around me

? Loads of flowers Loads of flowers... ?

Cut, this is...

I'm not quite sure what to do next!

I've got an idea, I've got an idea.

Excuse me... I'm going to sit down

- and we're going to let Beavy Weavy sing a song. - What?

We're going to let him sing a song. Stef, voice the beaver.

Voice the what?

Voice the beaver. Just play it.

And with me.

Let's sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star!

? Twinkle, twinkle... ?

Night-night, Rabbity Wabbity.

Where's Beavy Weavy?

Dunno. Foxy's here.

? ...Up above the world so high

? Like a diamond in the sky

? Twinkle, twinkle... ?

What? Where's...?

? ..Little star How I wonder what you are. ?

Well, that was great, guys!

What do you think, Mr Brown Bear?

Oh, yes! I loved it!

You're mighty big, Mr Brown Bear!

That's right! I'm feeling very hungry!

I want to gobble something up.

Ooh! You look nice, beaver!

Mm! Just a little nip!

Oh, no! Ah!

Ooh, yes, delicious!

Ooh, yes! Ooh, num, num, num, num!

Stop. Stop nibbling.

Stop... Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it! Forgive me! Ah! Ahhh!

Fucking run for it, lads!

Revenge for Beavy Weavy! Come on!

Revenge!

Have you seen The Midnight Beast? They're a band!

They're a shit band!

Yes! Fuck's sake!

Revenge!

You are gonna throw that away, aren't ya? It's not very hygienic.

I feel like I should at least make it breakfast before it goes.

The lesson is, don't let a child-friendly band turn you into idiots.

But I spoke to the NHS.

They said if I jizz with some human contact involved, rather than on clothes,

I should be fine in about six orgasms' time.

I should ring up a girl. I mean...

unless you guys can help me out

Dude, no! You can do that shit yourself, using your own hand.

And I thought "wanker" was just an insult.

This is big news!

? Y-Y-Y-You're stressed about a meeting cos you haven't got a clue

? Your girlfriend won't have sex with you because she's got the flu

? Your cat won't eat its dinner cos it doesn't like the taste

? Your parents had a baby and you're sad you've been replaced

? Act like you mean it

? Don't make a sound

? Keep it a secret

? People in the place Gotta listen up, right?

? We're gonna get loose in our pants tonight

? Strategy wanking!

? Oh, oh, oh

? Got to cure your frustration Oh, oh, oh

? Strategy wanking! Oh, oh, oh

? It's only meditation

? You could've scored the winning goal, but you missed the shot

? You've seen the monkeys procreating Boy, it's got you hot

? You owe the mob some money but you'll never find the cash

? You found out you've got herpes when you thought it was a rash

? Urge the temptation

? Don't feel ashamed

? Feel the inflation

? People in the place Put your hands down there

? And shake it all around like you just don't care

? Strategy wanking! Oh, oh, oh

? On the corner masturbation Oh, oh, oh

? Strategy wanking! Oh, oh, oh

? When the pussy's on vacation

? It's not dumb, it's fun

? It only takes one

? Strategy wanking! Oh, oh, oh

? Strategy wanking! Oh, oh, oh... ?

Hallo!

Introducing the new deh Shplash Gard,

Ddone Jhone henne deh-deh de jizzy

jizzy on deh porn on deh kompootah keyboard

on deh hoen hoen hoen on the floor.

Helleh?

Aha!

Is en beneh...

banti banti banti.

Introduce hor hor.

Ah, meelkeh, meelkeh da pistal.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, jizzy, jizzy, skwirtee, skwirtee, jizzy, jizzy.

Notta problema!

? You hit the floor

? With your new song

? It's immature

? You can't respond

? Tragedy wanking

? Got to pick up the pieces

? They call it tragedy wanking

? When you've just been defeated

? Strategy wanking! Oh, oh, oh

? You won't feel neglected Oh, oh, oh

? Strategy wanking! Oh, oh, oh

? You'll never be rejected

? It's not dumb, it's fun

? It only takes one

? Strategy wanking! Oh, oh, oh

? Strategy wanking! Oh, oh, oh. ?

Battersea, hold tight! Battersea Cats and Dogs Home, get me?

Mm. Mm, mm, wankers!

Strategy, all the wanking all day long.

Eeh, eeh, eeh, eeh, eeh! Wrong hand!

Eeh! Get me?

Wanking and blowing horns! Wankers!

Big up, big up!

Massive. Wanking massive wankers.

Don't know. What?

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