Original subtitles

Are you sure you want packet number three?

Can't stop.

A Transformer-ish video with loads of special effects

is how we'll break through.

This has got to look as amazing as a Falco film.

Right. You do know that Falco is a twat, don't you?

But his videos are amazing. Anyway, look what I've done already.

Booty call.

Is that it?

Is that it?!

Three incredible seconds.

How long did that take you to make?

A mere 57 hours.

Right, and how long is the song?

Are you OK?

Palpitations.

Great, the pills are kicking in.

Morning, Dru-M-Beat Mil-Dru on the Walls.

Or, indeed, plain old Dru-Dru.

Maybe we can have a drink some time?

What is it?

It's from my dad.

Weird.

It's a cheque.

How much for?

Four pence for every day it's been since I've last seen him.

And when was that?

7,306 days ago.

Oh, my God. You're a millionaire!

No, dude. It's a cheque for 300 quid.

Don't try and do the maths, you'll only strain something.

? Now that we rollin' in dough Let's get a yacht with a bed

? But we don't have enough Let's buy a dinghy instead

? We want to drink Cristal But settle with soda

? We couldn't buy a Porsche Let's pimp out a Skoda, yeah

? Medium pimpin' Livin' the dream

? Instead of caviar Bitch got vanilla ice cream

? Not a care in the world Just got numerous pounds

? We only travel first class on the underground

? Medium pimpin' Car with wheels

? Medium pimpin', pimpin', pimpin'

? Train to Soho Pick up some ho-hos

? Can only get a chat Not enough for a blow-blow

? Ha! Medium bitches hard to afford

? I shop so much at Asda I'm sponsored by George... ?

Right, come on. Let's go, girls.

Where are you going?

You only had us till four. You're not paying us enough.

I could give you �5.

I've got ten.

Wanker!

OK, which one of us is the wanker?

Er... all of you.

Don't be wankers.

What we gonna do?

? ..We wanted some dancers But children were cheaper

? Got so much fuckin' money I could buy your sister!

? Buy your mama! Buy your papa!

? Dress 'em up as animals and take a picture... ?

? ..Medium pimpin' Chandeliers

? Standardly pimpin' Unlimited beer

? Mediocre pimpin' New career

? Medium pimpin', pimpin', pimpin' Now-now-now now I am a rich man

? Na-na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na-na-naiii

? Medium pimpin'

? Medium pimpin'

? Medium gangster, medium height Ba-na-na-na

? Optician told me I've got medium sight

? Ba-na-na-na

? Average pits with an average smell

? Ba-na-na-na

? And downstairs pretty average as well

? Ba-na-na-na

? Medium dance with a minimal beat Ba-na-na-na

? Minimum clothes on medium seats Ba-na-na-na

? Medium shoulders, minimal hands

? Spread your legs, Lois Lane! I'm Super-medium-man!

? Medium pimpin' Bronze shoes

? Moderately pimpin' Bronze cane

? Averagely pimpin' Bronze gloves

? Medium pimpin'

? Bronze brain, wow!

? Now I am a rich man

? Na-na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na-na-naiii

? Medium pimpin' Bigger than small

? Medium pimpin' Smaller than big

? Ba-na-na-na

? Medium pimpin', baby Ba-na-na-na

? That's right, spending Gs Ba-na-na-na

? Gs? Yeah, that means money

? Ba-na-na-na. ?

Oh.

Time to celebrate, I'll plug in the PlayStation.

Stef's computer. Well, he's not using it.

Is it saved?

Is it saved?

Is what saved?

This is really bad. He hasn't done the Angry Robot for ages.

Bruh-buh-buh-buh-buh bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah!

Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh!

Mayonnaise! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Mayonnaise!

Why is he saying mayonnaise if he's a robot?

It's just what the Angry Robot says.

Mayonnaise.

Oh, good. He's deactivated.

Pkk! Pkk! Pkk! Mayonnaise!

Oh. Oh.

I've channelled the anger. I no longer want to kill you.

It's good news.

I'm just fed up of this DIY video shit.

I thought if we made something really expensive...

But we can afford expensive now. Dru's got 300 quid.

That's massive.

You can have it. It's dirty money anyway.

But dirty money is your favourite kind.

It's from his dad.

OK. What about if we spunk it up the wall on something amazing?

Zoe, how much does a Falco video cost?

About 30 grand?

Sorry, who or what is a Falco?

Falco is a man.

Aaah!

Falco delivers content.

Content!

Our dreams. Content.

Stef, you can't afford him.

But you know him.

Zoe, please do a favour. Introduce us.

Oh, yeah, sure. I'll just whore my principles for your glory.

Amazing.

Apart from just putting that down? All kinds of cheeses.

Going somewhere "cool", I suppose?

We're going to an exhibition at an art studio,

or his "art hole", as Falco calls it.

Oh, right, that sounds good. Yeah. I love art, me.

Yeah. Monet, Renoir, Leonardo Da Vinci Code.

Oh, Falco's very modern. It's definitely not your kind of thing.

I'm modern.

Back in the '80s I animated video game characters.

Er... you might remember one of 'em.

Um... ooh, I don't know, how about... Sheep Wizard?

No?

Half-sheep, half-wizard.

Catchphrase "Abraa-cadabraa!"

No, Sloman, you can't come with us.

Oh, well, whatever. Got a better offer anyway.

I'm off to an underage disco in Streatham, so...

You're nearly 50.

Ever heard of fake ID, man?

Balls to art. I'm gonna be dancing.

Krumping. All that.

Yeah?

Maybe we should have that drink some time?

Wow!

Wow-tever. Falco?

This is my boyfriend Stef.

Boyfriend?

I love it. So 1950s.

Are you "going steady" together?

Your videos are wicked.

Especially the one with the blue spaceship.

Ah, Hollywood toys just pay the bills.

This is my real work.

Friends! My new piece.

Baby!

Baby.

Baby.

Baby.

Ugh! Huh! Huh!

Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh!

Baby.

Mr Falco, sir, would you do a music video for us? We've got 300 quid.

Right, come on, Stef, let's go.

Who that boy? Who does he belong to?

Oh, that's Ash. He's...

Shh.

Let me observe.

What's your name?

I am Falco's personal assistant and as such I have no name.

You've got amazing eyes.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, like, you're properly beautiful.

Yeah, I've always been beautiful. It's just how my face works.

So, who is he?

That's Ash. He's in the band.

My method is deep penetration, you understand.

I must enter my subjects entirely.

What are you saying?

I'll make your video, but first I'll need to spend an evening with you,

"getting to know you," as ordinary people say.

Boyfriend. Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, my God.

This is awesome.

Naturally.

Ash.

We can't have sex without Falco's approval.

So, how do I get his approval?

I can't tell you that.

You can still look at me, though.

I love pizza.

I love all circular foods.

So, what's the video gonna look like?

Tomorrow morning, I will motion-capture you.

Put you in special suits and then, ah... boof!

Afterwards I'll put in all the dinosaurs and aliens and whatever I feel.

Wicked.

Ash, if your toe so much as grazes my muff, I'll cut your foot off.

Fuck. Sorry, man.

So, Stef wants stardom, hm?

Ash wants to have his hips cast in plaster.

What?

I'm putting up the money for this shoot.

I'm casting your hips in plaster.

Which Spice Girl are you? What do you really, really want?

I wanna play my fucking PlayStation.

Dru, I sense pain, bewilderment.

His dad sent him a letter.

Shut the fuck up!

Fathers and sons! This is now very interesting to me.

Yogop, research now, please.

Does your father come and visit you here?

Visit?

I haven't seen him in over 20 years, so, no, he's never setting foot in here.

Fuck him. Fuck this, fuck that and fuck you!

He normally likes pizza.

The children are ready.

Finally.

I am the Pied Piper and I want green rats!

Christ, this is tight!

It's like being born in reverse.

Come along, children.

I swear I dislocated a bollock getting into this.

That can't be fucking right.

Yeah, man, this shit is tight.

It'll be cool. Falco is a genius.

This way.

Whoa!

It's like our flat, only cleaner.

It's better, isn't it?

Welcome home to the house you never lived in.

Are you pleased? Am I?

Are you? Oh, the irony.

First shot.

Ashie, darling, you're getting shaken by a gorilla.

Shake back and forward.

Stef, bend over and fix the space-time wormhole.

Fix it, fix it, fix it.

Dru, on your knees in the middle. You'll be looking up,

and you're getting shot by alien light beams.

Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop!

Pow, pow, pow.Yes, gratitude.

Dru, gratitude. Gratitude!

Tongue out!

Er...

Look up and say thank you.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you.

I love it. Make me love it.

Kissing you. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Thrust. Thrust.

Oh! Oh! Oh, yes, I love it.

I'll just put this space helmet on now.

If I go upside-down, the lasers won't affect me.

Yes, the atmosphere is breathable. The air tastes sweet.

Taste it. Taste it. Oh, yeah! Ah!

Left to right. Left to right. Um!

Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

Yes, yes. You're up. Now, now, now, now. Bring him in, bring him in.

Dru-Dru?

What was that?

Dru-Dru?

Daddy's back.

I'm here for you, son.

I love you. We're gonna be together for ever.

Dad?

How's about a cuddle for Daddy?

Arghh!

And that's a wrap.

Oh! Oh!

Mate, you can stop now. We've finished filming.

Is that Dru's dad?

No.

That's a security guard, but Yogop's research indicated an adequate likeness.

Go back to security shit.

I have what I need. Thank you, gentlemen.

It feels so weird to be back somewhere we kind of just were but kind of weren't.

My head is so fucked. How you doing, Dru?

Still nothing. What is going on in there, man?

? A baby's born in 1987

? Into a family of love and care

? His mummy treats him like a gift from heaven

? His daddy shows him how to style his hair

? A few years later It's a cold December

? And Daddy needs to buy some milk and juice

? Dad, I want a Twix please If you remember

? The final words wasted! If he only knew!

? That Dad was running off with the cleaner

? She wasn't even fit You should've seen her

? If she had big tits and no moustache at worst

? Dad would have never ran away cos I'd have bagged her first!

? Dad was running off with a refugee

? Before his son had even learnt his ABC

? Before his son had even learnt to climb a tree

? And in case you hadn't noticed, Dad That baby was me!

? Daddy, I'll never see you

? Daddy, you'll never see me too

? Daddy, you missed my birthday

? And I miss you every Father's Day Daddy, I want to see you

? Daddy, do you want to see me too?

? Daddy, are you OK?

? So I guess this is Happy Father's Day

? I wonder if you even got my Twix

? You probably gave it to your Spanish bitch and them kids

? Sorry if you think I'm being racist

? But I don't want my Twix in their Spanish faces

? Dad? Just wondering if you've ever felt someone else rip your heart out

? Put it in the fire just to watch it melt

? That's how I feel I hope you come back

? So I don't suffer from another snack attack

? Cos, Dad, when it feels like your heart's stopped beating

? Some people turn to comfort eating

? I can laugh now, now that I'm fine

? But I was cramming pork pies into my mouth five at a time

? Cheestrings and chicken wings KFC and Burger Kings, onion rings

? I was eating all them things

? I had to go on Jerry Springer

? Cos I was trying to eat my sausage fingers

? Daddy, I'll never see you

? Daddy, you'll never see me too

? Daddy, you missed my birthday

? And I miss you every Father's Day

? Daddy, I want to see you

? Daddy, do you want to see me too?

? Daddy, are you OK? ?

? So I guess this is Happy Father's Day. ?

Hm. Shit! Check this out, mate.

"Aspiring singer claims artist used psychological torture

"to make art piece instead of promised pop video."

Poor guy.

What an idiot!

Oh, fuck!

This is so very illegal!

Can you get into his files or not?

All right!

Impatient Peter!

Right, here we go.

Falco's editing pipeline.

Rough-cut file, and... open.

Booty call!

Blimey. What's going on?

'Booty call!'

There aren't any spaceships.

Booty call!

If I go upside-down, the lasers won't affect me.

Booty call!

Half nine!

There's nothing gay about doing nails and doing hair.

It appears that a merman is making vigorous love to you.

But he wasn't there before.

Yes, the atmosphere is breathable. The air tastes sweet.

OK! Booty call!

Ooh!

? ..I want to paint rainbows on my toes... ?

And bukkake!

? ..I don't want a ho I want a comforting look

? When Noah kisses Allie in The Notebook. ?

Booty call!

It's probably hard for you to appreciate,

but it's sort of genius.

I mean...

Guys?

Now, let's look at the problem in hand.

If we don't steal back that footage, you're dead meat.

But Zoe's worked at the studio and she's figured out a route in.

OK, so here, there's a large air vent.

Cool, so we climb in that?

Don't be stupid. Beside the air vent, there's a door. We get someone inside

and then we go in through there.

So, we need to get someone inside to distract Falco?

Can't I just have sex with Yogop?

That's not gonna fly.

On the plus side, there might be some sex involved.

Well, that's awesome!

At least Ash did this bit right.

I hope he doesn't get... well, raped.

Get a move on, then.

Thanks for your call.

Plastering your groin is important work.

I've got a question. Does it involve the electrodes?

Oh, these? Don't even think about these. It's not even switched on.

Oh.

Shorts, vest, off.

You don't mind if I pop to the off-licence, do you, Dru?

Ah, nice one, mate.

Do you want anything?

I like it.

Oh.

Yeah, it was well weird.

He had me dressed up as some bloke's dad.

Don't know what he was playing at. Anyway, how are you, mate?

Get it nice and hard, yes?

20 fucking years it took you to bring up a Twix!

What's wrong with you?!

Let me go!

I'm not your dad - I don't even know you!

But you would have done if you hadn't walked out! I was just a kid!

Would it make you less angry if I said sorry?

Yes!

Sorry for whatever I've done! Now let me go!

All right.

Code red.

Alarms. Alarms!

Falco, no!

I want you to feel how hard it is with your hands.

At last!

Hey! Before you go, fuck me.

What's the hold-up?

Fuck, it won't come off.

Yogop!

Scheisse!

It's too much!

Why do you do this?

Ash, come on! Hurry up! Get in the bloody car!

Get a fucking move on!

Right.

That is everything...

deleted.

Sayonara, merman.

Right, Ash. You ready?

Just do it.

Sure?

Yep!

Argh!

Oh.

You all right, mate?

I...I think I've wet my nappy.

If he doesn't survive, can I move in?

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