Original subtitles

'Command, this is Jammer. Reading a massive energy spike.'

Smells delicious. Did you know pizza is literally

my most favourite food in the whole world?

Ding-dong. Pizza girl!

That's �12.99.

Over half an hour late. We get free garlic bread.

The first address you gave me, it was... It was a river.

But you're still late, I'm afraid.

Take that.

Looks like four quid short.

Then say stop

when you reckon you've got your money's worth, baby.

You can't keep trying to pay me with free mugs and lame stripteases.

No more mugs! Aha! I present to you the Midnight Beast flannel!

You can use it to dab sweaty pits.

I mean, um... you must be sweaty, delivering all those, er, pizzas.

Enjoy your final pizzas.

In your flat of twats.

She likes me.

She likes the band.

Course she does. We're fucking invincible.

? The Midnight Beast!

? We're the greatest unsigned gimmick brat band from southwest London

? We're not unsigned because we're shit

? We're unsigned because corporations suck... ?

And because we're shit.

Shut up, Ash!

? Mum, your little boy's flown from the nest

? Moved in with his best boyfriends

We're the best

? To a very big mansion of a crib

? No more nappies! No more bibs! ?

What? Nothing!

? Er, we've got our own fridge

? The wide world's very, very mean

? But, Mama, I can handle myself! You'll soon see!

? Just the other day I was walking Felt a tap on my shoulder

? There's a shark standing there and he looks much older

? He's like "Rah, rah, rah!"

? I turn around and I'm like "What the hell?"

? Then I kicked the shark in the face

? He kicked the shark in the face

? Then I kicked the shark in the face

? His face was a total disgrace

? Humans are bitter

? You can't punch me with a flipper

? I kicked the shark in the face

? He kicked the shark in the face

? I'm sitting on my arse playing Xbox games

? Then I hear a voice and it's calling out my name

? I'm like "Yo! What you want, motherfucker?"

? He's like "Yo! Y-Y-You, motherfucker!"

? What happened next?

? I'm getting to that

? Zip up my flies, roll my sleeves Grab a baseball bat

? I look left, look right but there's no-one around

? Then a bear tack-tackles me to the ground

? He's like "Rah, rah, rah!"

? Then I get up and I'm like "What the fuck?"

? He looks back and he's like "Rah, rah, rah!"

? I'm not even scared, I'm like "What the fuck? W-W-What the fuck?

? Then I hit the bear in the balls

? He hit the bear in the balls

? Take one for the team to the balls

? Stef hit the bear in his balls

? Go cry to your mama

? A bear couldn't cook carbonara

? I hit the bear in the balls

? He hit the bear in the balls

? Swim with a school of fish

? Hunt with a pack of wolves

? The only thing I know is I love animals!

? We put this bit in the song

? I love animals

So the animal lovers don't come for us

? We put this bit in the song so the animal lovers don't come for us

? Then I kicked the shark in the face!

? Humans are winners

? Cos we'll have your legs for dinner

? Unless you're vegetarian

? And that's OK Being vegetarian's fine with me. ?

You're back. I knew you can't resist me.

Pizza girl!

�12.99.

Time to go-go.

I am so, so sorry. Listen...

um... none of us actually have ever ordered a pizza in our life, so...

I don't even know what a pizza is.

What is it? Not important. Maybe try the guy next door. He loves pizza.

Whatever it is. Er, thank you.

Oh, the fridge is fucked. It's supposed to fill up

when no-one's here. That's what happened at Mum's house.

We haven't checked the bin.

The last tenant's cat food.

"Meat content 17%." Breakfast is served, gentlemen.

We're out of money, out of food. This doesn't feel like superstardom.

Maybe it's how models stay thin.

By being poor?

Ah! Undiscovered dregs!

Knockety-fucking-knock!

Jesus! Are they charging you money for this place?

Chevy, you got any food? Can you check your pockets...?

Sorry, lads!

I'm running off pure ambition and a love of music.

Shit, I've run out of nails. Dru, pass me your hand.

All right, just one.

Hungry, are you?

I've been there. Before I had my success.

Looks like you guys need cash.

Yeah, but no record deals.

We're doing it our way, independent, right?

Trust me, lads! I've got a nice little angle for ya.

You know them games

where you play along with the music and the little plastic whatnots?

Yeah! Yes!

I've heard of these things of which you speak, yes.

Contact of mine, Sam, bit of a player, lives in Los Andrew-les.

Does placements for bands.

Los Andrews-les.

Gets their songs onto games.

But so often there's one really shit band you've never heard of

and you always have to mute.

And that band could be you!

Sam flies in tomorrow, so get your set ready.

So you got us a venue?

Course I have!

It's what band managers do, innit?

But you're gonna have to look cool.

You're gonna have to blink a lot, cos blinking's cool.

Quick. Blinking check. Hit me!

Hit me! Hit me! Come on! Give it me! Give it me!

Give it me! Blinking more! Harder! Faster! Faster!

Dru!

That's very good. Phil Collins is a blinker.

I'll crack on, get the venue sorted.

Sweet.

All right? The name's Chevron!

Didn't I ban you for doing drugs with some other dickhead?

You must be mistaken. My first time here.

What it is, is I'm a music manager

and I'm looking for a venue to showcase one of my bands.

Could make your club a lot of money.

Who's the band?

Have you heard of Coldplay?

Going outside makes me so hungry.

Your mate, Chevron.

No, it's fine. Apparently, we're meeting him at the venue. I... Oh.

Which one of you's Stef?

Who needs to know?

Your laptop's showing up on my wireless network.

Oh, is your network the one called DieWifeDie?

And yet still she lives.

She took everything. Know what she left me?

Yeah. Sad, innit?

Been my vase. A paperweight.

But in a very real way, it's become a friend.

Look, just keep off my network, all right?

I've been doing some very intensive coding for Maley's.

You know Maley's? The new creamy liqueur for the pink pound.

Yeah. Strange consistency.

Very albuminous. Very salty.

Reminds me of, um...

What was it again?

Er... hm.

Oh!

Poisonous cow!

Unfortunately, we've got to...

I'm glad your mug's dead! ..Where are you going, then?

Going to a venue to check it out for a showcase.

All right, I'll come with you.

Definitely not.

Fuck.

Oh, great!

Hello?

Bitch! Not you.

Help me!

Just over there. Just sign...

Hey. Hey.

Brought you some food.

Er... are you all my boyfriend now? Cos I only brought enough for Stef.

There is no sharing today.

What are we gonna eat?

Lip balm?

It smells like cherries and it's made up of ground-up horse's hooves.

Sweet. Give me that.

Come on, man. Get off, Dru.

The cherry goodness is over.

Don't hog it, man. All right.

Give me some.

Oh, my God! Lemon!

Mm, mm! Vitamins.

I don't have to piss on my hands and rub it on my teeth any more.

That scurvy sucks.

Where did you get that?

Thought you didn't have any money.

They're just lying around all over the place.

? I'm a ninja!

? Of the dance floor!

? I got a craving for whatever's yours...! ? Sorry, sorry.

? I'm a fucking ninja of the dance floor

? I do the things that you can't ignore

? Are you a ninja?

Do you drink Special Brew?

? Cos you can't afford a bottle of the champagne too

? Get out the kitchen if you can't take the heat

? I never eat

Cos I haven't had a good night Till I'm sick in the street... #

Bleurgh!

Ah, bro, that really smells. What have you been drinking, man?

? Super Strongbow, motherfucker Do you want a can?

? I don't pay by card, man I don't pay by cheque, man

? I'll give you so much change you can't even hold it in your hand

? I... I... I... I'm an assassin of the dance floor, right?

? I silently assassinate every drink in sight

? I've got eyes like a hawk A serial drink thief

? I'm like Robin Hood apart from that I'm robbing for me

? From the rich cos I'm poor A celebrity whore

? I'm the type of boy you told your daughters to watch out for

? And my hands are like samurai swords

? But they're not metal so nothing like swords, they're just hands... ?

What the fuck you saying, man?

Oh, I... I don't know.

? But I'm still a ninja! Of the dance floor!

? My hands look nothing like samurai swords

? But I'm a fucking ninja! Of the dance floor!

? So get ready for what I got in store

? Is that my drink? I ain't got no drink

? I swear that's my drink It was just any drink

? Well, my drink's been drunk Oh, well!

? That shit got stung Oh, well

? Oh, well, welly, welly Let's take a ride like Nelly

? We could move like jelly

? We're invisible we're up all night

? I've got special powers

? I can stay up for seven whole hours

? I can see when it's foggy foggy

? Like Snoop Doggy Doggy

? I'm a ninja, dickface! Got a tattoo to prove it!

? Don't ever let me see you waste your drink cos I'll lose it

? Give you five whole seconds to finish it up

? Till I come around the corner Take a shit in your cup

? I'm a ninja! Of the dance floor!

? I'll take a shit in everything that's yours

? I'm a fucking ninja! Of the dance floor!

? I drink more than a liquor store

? Are you a ninja? What? Of the dance floor? What? ?

Hold up. Did you say something?

Yeah, doing the little white boy bit. Like, "Whoa!"

What, like Eminem?

Yeah.

? Baby, I'm a ninja!

? I'm a fucking ninja!

? Nin-nin-ja-ja-ja!

? I'm a fucking ninja!

? Of the dance floor! ?

You said they were Coldplay.

To be fair, I asked you if you've heard of Coldplay, which you had.

Fuck it! We don't want to play there anyway.

Look, there's shitloads of really cool places

that are crying out for a band like you!

Well, not crying out. Talking, mumbling.

But don't dwell on that.

Let me worry about that.

We could play at our place.

Repeatez-fucking-vous?

You know, at our flat. We can do a gig there.

I said cool.

It's pretty cool.

It's cold. That's very different. Similar, but worlds apart.

Trust me.

I'll sort it out.

You...

the band, my children,

my dollies,

are playing for Sam somewhere fucking drop-dead cool tomorrow!

Mm!

We were in the middle of dinner!

Yeah? Lettuce for two again.

Oh, um, sorry. Listen, we'll be playing a gig in our flat tonight,

so there might be some noise, if we do it right.

Yeah, so, whatever you do,

don't come in.

But I like music.

Big music fan, me.

Music, er... very good use of... sound.

Look, just... stay inside.

You're the weird neighbour. Yes, you are.

If you've got a complaint,

just bang on the wall with a broom.

Huh!

See, Uncle Eeyore there is exactly the sort of person

we don't want hanging about you boys when Sam's about.

Coolness is all.

What the fuck are you doing?!

Basic resourcefulness. He's got crates of the stuff.

Stef! Stef!

Stef! Stef!

Stef! Stef! Stef!

Stef! Stef!

Chevy! Come here! Chevy, love you!

Is he drunk?

No! He's so far past drunk, he's sober again. It's fine.

I need you in control, Stef. Sam takes a lot of impressing.

That's why I'm not drinking. Keeping it tied down. Staying sharp!

Couldn't sleep yesterday. Feeling a bit "pick, pick, pick" now.

You know, like something needs tuning in or turning off or some...

Argh!

Where's your bog again?

Pizza girl! Mate, check this out. I'm gonna stuff her crust.

I'm not sure sexy pizza chat is what she wants to hear.

Felicitations, chiquita.

What brings your body to our abode, eh?

I'm doing a degree in twat studies, so primarily I'm here for research.

Well, I see it's taking half an hour for a comeback

so I guess this party's free.

Told.

She likes me.

Oh...!

Hmm.

I love your band! What?

You're amazing! Say again? What?

You're amazing! Zoe, have you seen Chevy?

I've been trying to avoid him, to be honest, Stef.

You guys rule. I love your band.

Cheers. Um... have you seen Chevy?

I really wanted to,

but my friends wanted to see Twilight so we saw that instead.

? Move your body! ?

Oh, just say no!

Have you seen Chevy? He's the only one who knows what Sam looks like.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, I'll stop Hitler and you find Chevy, all right?

Fuck's sake! Sorry.

Chev? Chev?

What?

Is Sam here yet?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What?

Sam, we're ready to play.

We've booked a great band!

Back, back, back.

Oh, left. Oh, left, left.

Left, back and down.

Oh!

What the eff?!

Er... can we store

a body in your flat? Don't worry, he's not dead. It's fine.

Does this mean I can come to the party?

No, but, um, we've got a lot of promotional mugs,

so I'm sure we could sort you out with one of them.

All right.

Yeah. I dig all of you.

I know. Just such a beautiful thing being on... Ash! Ash!

Being on a surfboard... Ash! ..and riding the waves... Ash! Ash!

One arm in front of the other... Ash! ..Me in the water... Ash! Ash!

What?!

Have you seen Sam?

Listen, I know this music thing is very important to you,

but this is a hot girl who smells like pizza

and might have access to warm food. Be nice to her and her friend.

Thank you.

Hi, I'm Stef. Hi, I'm Sam.

Sam. Sam! Shit! Don't go toilet.

Wait there! Ash, Ash, we're on. Dru, get on stage.

Hi, we're... we're The Midnight Beast and this is for Sam.

This is for the pizza girl.

It's for the inventor of Maley's,

the creamy liqueur beverage for the pink pound.

But mostly for the other two.

Who gives a fuck?

Dru, sit down.

Yeah, all right.

Everybody, dance!

? Hey, darling, let's not be coy

? You're just a girl and I'm just a boy

? He's just a boy that wants to have sex

? And let us be serious You could be next

? If you're lucky, you might... me in a two-bedroom flat in Putney

? Then you got with Ash

? Whoop-dee-doo!

? Wasn't that your ambition to do?

? Why don't you want him?

? I've got a perfect body, baby

? And if you want him

? I even think that I would shave it

? Got a superpower

? I could last for half an hour

? We can misbehave...

? Ooh! Baby, when the world ends you're gonna be begging me for sex

? We'll be the only people that are left to resurrect a civilisation

? You're gonna be begging me for juice

? We'll be the only people that are left to reproduce

? So when the world ends

? Ends, ends

? If you want to role-play with me

? I'll part your legs Like Moses the sea

? I could be Adam And you could be Eve

? Lend me your bush I'll plant a seed

? That's offensive to religion!

? But I just had a sexual vision! ? So?

? I've been quite subtle I'll give a clue

? I got a boner pick with you!

? Please, I'm begging

? For the sake of saving humankind

? He's wearing jeggings

? With the hope that it could make you mine

? So don't be bitchy

? They're kind of itchy

? This could be our time

? Baby, when the world ends you'll never be able to say no

? I'll be the only boy and so you'll have to have a go

? You're gonna be desperate You're gonna be begging me for kids

? We'll need to save the world so I would have to use a lid

? When the world ends

? Whoa-oa-oah ? Oh, baby, when the world ends

? Whoa-oa-oah

? So don't be frigid, baby

? You and me could have a baby

? Come on, baby, don't act shady

? I'm your man and you're my lady

? Baby

? When the world ends you're gonna be begging me for sex

? I'll be the only boy that you have left to get erect

? You're gonna be desperate You're gonna be begging me for juice

? We'll be the only people that are left to reproduce

? So when the world ends

? Whoa-oa-oah ? Oh, baby, when the world ends

? Whoa-oa-oah

? Baby, when the world ends

? Ends, ends

? Baby, when the world ends, ends, ends

? Baby, when the world ends! ?

Wow! You guys totally rocked it.

Cheers, Sam. And that really means a lot coming from you.

We wanted a chance to really knock you out.

Wey-ha-hey!

We were a fucking tit. Give us a hug, Sam.

Did I do bad?

Just a little bit, mate. What the fuck?

All right, lads? Oh, casualty! Oh, yeah, nice one.

Chev, we need to call someone about Sam.

Dru's just taken her out.

Sam? Sam? Is Sam here?

Mate, are you blind?

Oh! Chev, I've been trying to call you.

Sam!

All right, geezer?

It's Sam, Sam! Sam the music guy.

You're Sam from the music industry?

I'm sorry? What?

Have you got my stuff?

Do you want a CD?

Oh, my God. Er... what?

Don't worry about this, son. I'll sort this out.

What the fuck? Where's the white stuff?

Do you do a lot of business?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We go back a long way.

Your shit is the bomb, Chevron!

I told you, man, it's the bomb!

Look, next time you're in London, give me a call.

I'll cut you up, brother.

Have a bomb.

Er... so, you're in the music business?

Yeah, man, you...

Fuck!

Out the toilets, dickheads!

Would you want to see a gig?

I'm kinda just here to buy.

We made a sale? We actually sold a song for money?

Yes? Food!

Hey, Chevy gets 20%.

- # Dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty... # - Fucking cheers, boys!

? Dirty beats! Dirty, dirty beats... ?

Oh! Guys! You're my favourite band ever!

Sloman, we would be honoured if you would attend our party.

Is this instead of the mug?

No.

You can have the mug as well. Hey, you can even tidy up in the morning.

Wow! A free mug, an invite to a party

and I get to touch all your stuff by tidying it up. Best day ever!

Ha! Oh, yeah. There's a chick on the floor. It just gets better!

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