Original subtitles

Welcome to California. Land of the dreams.

Stars in the sky and stars under your feet.

Everywhere you go, people are making movies.

I'm one of the many struggling filmmakers in this town,

Trying to make my way into the business.

Los Angeles is the film repertory capital of the world.

Any given night you can see classic films on the big screen.

But even in Hollywood, the city of movies,

people are clueless about proper theatre etiquette

It's like they're at home in their living room.

I don't want to go to dinner on Saturday, I wanna go on Sunday.

Friday is a salsa night. I don't like salsa.

And then there's the yawners

And the sleepers

And the bottle rollers.

[bottle rolling on floor]

And the knuckle poppers

And the guy who can't get comfortable in his chair.

The girl that screams at this that aren't there.

[screams]

The guy that chews ice

And the woman who reads under her blanket

Los Angeles is home to a lot of nutbags.

And I'm in the middle of all of it.

[moaning]

Let me feed you, my darling.

I want a different kind of fruit.

[women moaning]

Oh come on.

[knife stabs]

[growl]

Sorry. [chuckles]

I just... couldn't take it -

It's not like I could see anything anyway with Kevin Bieber Holland in front of me.

Who? - Forget it.

[shriek]

Whoa, hey! You okay? - Yeah.

Hey, look at this.

Rebel Without a Crew. I read that book.

Yeah? - You must be an actress.

I'm a director / writer. I just moved here from North Carolina.

Oh cool! I'm a filmmaker myself. I just started a project.

I'm Harris, I live in 202. Um...

Hey, what's that?

It's "Come Together". - Tony Anthony.

[chuckles]. Rockin'!

I wore out my VHS copy of Treasure of the Four Crowns.

That's awesome. You know, I work at a video store.

We can dub you a copy free of charge.

Sweet! That's for the help, Harris.

Sure.

[laughs]

Just be careful out there. - Sure.

And I guess I'll see you around.

Okay. - All right, bye.

[puff from inhaler]

Hey!

Hello, buttercup.

Fuck, mom, you know I hate it when you creep up on me like that.

You told me to meet you here. What's going on?

You look goofy.

I just met a girl. - Really?

Who is she?

She just moved into the apartment building. She seems really nice.

Just... don't lose your head.

Get to know her and find out what kind of person she is.

She do drugs?

You know I don't like you hanging out with anyone who does drugs.

Is she loose?

The last thing you need is a baby Harris.

She's not like one of these stuck up LA types.

She seems really cool.

Where you going?

I'm going crazy. Wanna come?

Yeah, right.

Little fucking cockteaser.

Always going out, shoving your tits in any guy's face you see.

You don't think I don't know what goes on when you're out god knows fucking where?

You don't know anything. Okay? I was at work.

Let's go to bed. Come on, let's go to bed.

Is that what you call it?

Come on. - There's a word for what you do.

You're a fucking whore.

Hey, Chase! - Stop it.

Stop it! - Why?

Stop it! - Why, why wh is he so special?

Chet! - Hey kid!

Did you know that your mom is a no-good soul sucking, streetwalking,

piece of flesh that's barely with the price of a good cup of coffee.

[punch]

No daddy, no!

Stop it! Leave him alone!

He's got to get used to a life of pain.

You're gonna drag him down in your shit.

Fuck...

[tires screech]

Fuck!

You dumb motherfucking idiot.

Anson is in the back. This is the third day in a row you've been late.

He's waiting for you and you're fucked.

Hey Anson, I'm sorry, I had a rough morning.

I've heard it all before. Blah blah blah...

Where is the Harris I hired three years ago. The one that was always on time

and didn't come in here looking like a bum.

And you smell like yesterday's diarrhea and your pants look disgusting.

I got a pair of khakis in the back that you can wear the rest of the day. Okay?

But from now on, show up on time and shower so you don't smell like

a firgging billy goat's gruff here.

I got it.

Hey Harris, you made it. I saved you a seat.

I saved a seat for you, Harris.

Ingrid just kept it warm whilst I relieved my bowels.

Thank god.

Thank you both.

Hey Harris, I'm ready to film my scenes over when you are.

We're gonna kick ass! Yes!

I don't understand the changes in the script.

We'll have to have a meeting and do a one-on-one

to get me a better picture of what you want me to do.

Sure, Powell.

That's Mr. Powell. I've been in this business a very long time.

Let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby,

Let's all go to the lobby to get ourselves a treat.

Delicious things to eat, the popcorn can't be beat.

The sparkling drinks are just dandy, the chocolate bars and the candy

So let's all go to the lobby to get ourselves a treat.

Hey! - Hey neighbor!

So you like Swankmeier.

Not particularly. I'm not a big fan. I'm a fan of Liloczik.

Ah... Those crazy Czechs are pretty messed up.

Hey! I'm Czech. Well... part Czech.

Sorry. Hey... I'll have to make it up to you and take you to the movies sometime.

They're playing Blowout at the New Bev tonight. Wanna go?

I can't, I gotta wake up early tomorrow.

I got a day working on a new TV show.

How did you get that gig?

My dad's friend. He went to USC. He just made a call.

I can't believe the money I'm gonna be making.

University of spoiled children, great!

Yeah, I almost got fired today.

What happened?

I swear my alarm must be possessed or something.

Are you sure you don't want to to to the New Beverly?

I can't, my ride's here. Actually, I gotta go.

Okay. - Well, it was so good to see you.

Bye. - Okay. Great.

[baby crying]

Can you believe that woman? Jesus!

Bringing a baby to a midnight show.

Somebody should really do something.

[baby keeps crying]

[baby complaining]

[scream]

Schmidt and Schoneberg.

Get to the Beverly cinema, pronto! We got a double homicide.

What do we got?

Single, white female, mid 30's.

Apparently she hit a late night movie and it hit her back.

No witnesses.

Did you talk to the theater owner?

Yeah, she said she got many complaints about the baby crying in the theater.

but was unaware there was a baby in the theater until afterwards.

Huh. All right, we good here?

Could you give Schmitty a ride back to the

I got a callback for the new Blob remake, Superblob.

You give a new definition to the term movie cop.

So, uh, what are you doing later?

In your dreams.

Hey, I really appreciate you giving me these extra hours.

The economy's been pissing me off lately.

Are you kidding me?

What kind of best friend would I be if I let my main man starve?

You can't have a freebie without the bein'.

You're a peach, you know that? A real peach.

Speaking of peaches, how's that new hot neighbor you were telling about?

Ah, I ran into her at the movies the other nights. She's pretty rad.

You ever think about banging Ingrid? She's into your ass, man.

I don't know, that's kinda like... I don't know...

Like fooling around with my cousin Gretchen or something.

I fucked my cousin Theresa.

[laughs] What?

I did, seriously. I fucking raw dogged the shit out of her.

You don't have a girlfriend. Raw dog?

Girlfriends could be overrated.

What exactly is raw dogging?

That's what you got the internet for, check it out.

But is it like a position? How do you raw dog?

You know, I don't like to talk about it.

It kinda dilutes.... Just don't worry about it.

Like fight club? The first rule of raw dogging is don't talk about raw dogging.

With your cousin? - My cousin...

First cousin? - Third cousin, once removed.

Oh, okay. - It's not bad, right?

Is she from Canada or something?

I met her once when I was like seven.

Oh wait a second... seven? - What?

That's when I met her, not when I raw dogged her.

Oh okay.

I raw dogged her when I was twenty-two.

Why do you have to say "raw dog"?

Why do I have to say it? It's not that I say it, I live it.

What do you got on that lady with the baby killing?

Uh... not much.

Are those the only two words in your vocabulary?

Because I hear them every other day.

Must be a random thing.

Random, my ass.

Sniff out the truth, boys. It's out there somewhere.

Oh, you're so big.

I love it.

Hey bro, what's the word on the street about the pregnant lady who got killed?

She's got a mouthful, bud. Shut up.

The word on the street about that perv is that he's native Angeleno.

Well, what else can you tell us?

Small hands.

Come again?

I can't even cum once with you guys talking.

Lakeisha saw him right after the lady was murdered

and she chased him down this alley and she picked up this big stick

and started hitting him. And he raised his hands to protect his face.

She said he was wearing back gloves and that his hands were tiny.

They took her in. They picked her up for disturbing the peace.

Can you believe that? Instead of giving her a medal?

For what? Tranny of the year?

Hell, I deserve a medal for all this information I'm dishing out.

Yeah, how'd you like this medal? Come here.

Yes. You're a big boy. Big! Oh my... mmmm.

The lady with the baby from the movie last night got killed on the way to her car.

You're kidding me.

No, I'm serious. The girl at the snack bar just told me.

Phew... wow.

It's horrible. - It's fucked up.

Hey, it's about fucking time.

It takes fifteen minutes to fill two fucking sodas.

The bitch gave me fucking attitude.

Fuckin' diet! - Dude, I've been telling you to go on one

Deal with it. - Fuck you. Shit tastes nasty.

Look at this dickhole.

Hey, could you stop kicking my mom's seat, please.

How about I stick my fist in your ass, four-eyes.

Come on, mom.

[screams]

There you are, little buddy. I love playing hide and seek.

Let's just leave. - What is this?

Hey, there you are. I wasn't aware they allowed faggots in this theater.

That's funny, I was just about to say the same thing about you.

What'd you say, prick?

Drink my piss!

It's in my fucking mouth. It's fucking piss!

Move, you fat fuck!

That was a good fucking movie, man.

Yeah, it was good. I liked it a lot.

Jan Michael Vincent's a badass.

Of course he is. He's fucking Airwolf, you know this.

Tell me something I don't know.

I'll tell you something you don't know. You know what's gonna be badass?

When I find that fucking kid, I'm going to kill him.

Smell me, dude, I smell like a urinal.

Uh, it's an improvement.

Fucking dickhead.

So what do we know about these guys?

Well, one of them was this big director's son, Red Harling.

Hey, Red Harling. Satan's Rest Stop.

Cantaloupe County. The first time I saw tits was watching Cantaloupe County.

Oh man, Karen McLaren.

Jesus Christ, I must have busted a nut a thousand times watching that tape.

I wore it out. You ever see it? - No.

So where were these guys prior? - She was a hottie.

Silent movie theater.

Yeah, and, uh... did you speak to the owners yet?

No, I thought I'd let you guys handle it this time.

Hello, how you doing? I'm Detective Schmidt

and this is Detective Schonberg. We have a few questions for you.

Anything out of the ordinary last night? Any patrons acting up?

Just the usual Saturday night jive.

You get a lot of whack jobs in here, don't you?

Cinephiles and hipsters think they own the place.

Quasi-homeless people trying to get out of the cold.

So... nothing out of the ordinary.

Somebody pissed themselves last night.

Couple of the seats were soaked in piss.

You should've seen the floor of the theater

when the lights came up at the end of the night.

Cum, spit, blood, you name it. Like a museum of liquid forensics.

And I got to clean it up.

Okay, listen. Two kids were maliciously murdered in the parking lot last night.

They're guts are plastered all over the road.

Oh no! My god.

Before that, they were seen leaving your theater after watching a movie.

If it's okay, some people are gonna come by with some photos later.

For you to take a look at so you can get an idea.

Why don't you take a couple passes and come see the show sometime.

You know, we'd love to but it's kind of against policy.

Yeah, you know, this guy's gonna be on the big screen soon, anyway.

You're an actor? - I've done some movies.

I've done some movies.

Maybe you've seen them. Did you see The Runs?

I was one of the Hershey Squirts.

Uh.... no.

What about Hitchhike Mike2? Went straight to DVD.

Uh... I wasn't aware there was a Hitchhike Mike 1.

There wasn't. Uh... Thank you for your time.

I burned you a copy of Treasure of the Four Crowns.

Sweet, thank you.

Oh wow.

You really are hardcore, Harris.

Every since I was a little boy, I knew what I wanted to do.

I wanted to be a director.

My mom would take me to the movies.

I saw Close Encounters forty-five times.

My dad was a drunk and mom and I would find ourselves in the local movie house.

It was our home away from home. Still is.

I put my soul into this script. I've been saving up for five years to make this.

Static dreams.

I'd love to read this.

Wait, uh... sorry.

No, this is... that's an old draft.

How's your new job going?

It's great, they've already promoted me.

Wow.

I know, I've basically talked my way into the writing staff. It's insane.

And I'm making bank now so I figured why not be neighborly

and see if you're up for going to the movies?

Mom, what are you doing here?

I'm here to see the movie.

I'm on a date. Can you sit somewhere else?

Really? - Yeah, please.

Popcorn?

Mom, can you please. I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Who were you talking to?

Oh, um, that was my mom.

She probably likes movies just as much as I do if not more.

She used to be an actress. Ever see Pirates of Tortuga?

No.

She was in that. It was horrible.

Why don't you invite her over to watch the movie with us.

Uh, she's sick. She's got a cold and she didn't want to spread it.

She doesn't want us to catch anything. She's good like that.

Hey, Swedish Fish!

You know, a girl who likes Swedish Fish is a girl that can't be trusted.

Hey Mr. Hollywood.

I pay him to say that. Sieger, this is my neighbour, Heather.

She is a video virgin to Eddie Brandt's.

Well, let's de-virginize the girl. Pleased to meet you.

Because you're friends with Hollywood, I'll hook you up with a deluxe membership.

Oh thanks! Do you have Fudd Cinnamon's The Search?

Or Forbidden Games by Rene Clemon?

Shit! - You really know your stuff.

I'll have to order Forbidden Games but we do have The Search on DVD and VHS

over in the Montgomery Cliff section.

Do you have I Drink Your Blood? - It's right in front of your face.

Oh.

What kind of movies do you like?

Mostly horror.

Great, so you like horror movies.

Hey, let me think for a second. What do we have in the back room?

Oh...

Piece of Tail. It's a movie where they tie up a girl, torture her, and they let

twenty-seven mice out that completely and utterly decimate her vagina.

Oh, I have to see that.

It's vag-tastic!

Where were you? I was worried sick.

I was out. We went to get a bite to eat and we hung out.

She looks like an actress, Harris. I thought you said she's a director.

She is a director. She's a good-looking girl.

I think she might like me.

You know, I'm sorry. I'm not blind.

It's great. You said we're going to the late show.

We can still make it. - Yeah?

Turn your phone off.

Didn't you read the disclaimer at the beginning of the movie?

Harris.

I'm sorry, sir, she's got her phone out again. Can you, I dunno, kick her out?

She's ruining the film.

Can you put your phone away? It's distracting the others.

Oh, okay.

Oh f- That's it, we're going.

That dumb fucking cunt has her phone out again. I'm gonna fucking kill you.

What? I fucked him yesterday. What are you doing?

What? I never said that.

What? Oh, come on. That's ridiculous.

Justin Warner? Uhuh. Truly.

Shhh. Shut your mouth, bitch!

[screams]

[screaming]

[rattles gate]

[screams]

[screams, sobs]

[chokes]

What a waste.

Man, I would've cut off my left nut to bang a girl like this in high school.

Yeah? Shit, I used to bang girls like this all the time back in high school.

I wouldn't cut of my nuts. Maybe a pinky but never my nuts.

But I bet the sex was good?

Oh yeah, back then I'd just need one girl like this

and now I need 5-hour energy and porn just to get it up, man.

I wonder if he went to town on her. - Went to town like Chinatown.

Well, we'll find that out after the autopsy.

Come on, let's go talk to the girl she was on the phone with last night.

Come in.

Hello, ma'am, my name is Detective Shoneberg.

This is my partner, Detective Schmidt.

Now I know this is really difficult for you but any information you can give us

will make it easier for us to catch the guy.

How long did you know the victim?

I used to babysit her.

So, a long time.

Uh, did you used to talk often?

Not as much as we used to.

She's literally call me when she wanted something.

I was the one that usually called her.

So I take it you two had a falling out.

She didn't want to be seen with me after my accident.

I wish I had more information to help you.

I just remember her screaming.

Shut the fuck up!

Stop it!

Stop it, just stop it.

What? - Stop it.

Ah, fuck!

[groaning]

No! Nooo!

Harris, I'm gonna beat you bloody.

Leave us alone!

No! No! No!

[grunts]

[sobbing]

Aah!

No, he can't hurt you now, sweetie.

It's just a bad bad dream.

Mommy's here, everything's fine.

Go to sleep. Go to sleep, sweetie.

Harris. Harris! There's someone at the door.

Coming.

It's chicken soup, peanut butter and jelly with the crust cut off

and a glass of Kool-Aid.

That's like the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.

Here.

Um!

It's excellent. It's just hot.

Sorry.

Thanks, you're spoiling me.

No, come on, it's nothing you wouldn't do for me.

If I knew how to make soup, I'd make you lobster bisque.

I love lobster.

I forgot... to give you this the other day.

It's a copy of my script I made for you.

Mine to keep.

Will you sign it for me?

I don't know what to say. What should I put?

Um... make it out to Heather. Say "you're the inspiration for it all".

Cool!

Oh, when you're feeling better, I got us passes to Cinecon.

Oh my god, you're an angel.

Um... get better.

You're my new movie-watching partner.

I can't go to this thing alone.

This is Kelly Karen reporting live from downtown Los Angeles.

A young woman's body was found outside the legendary Million Valor Theater.

This college student never made it home.

This appears to be the third incident of its kind.

I am horrified. This is what the western world revels in.

There is violence in our streets and in our schools and even in our churches.

Is there no end to this fucking madness?

I'm a bartender at the Silver Spur and I walk home that way every night.

Our outfits, as you can see, are pretty skimpy.

I can see that.

And almost all the girls are as good-looking as me.

So it's crazy that there's such a deranged pervert out there lurking in the darkness.

What would you do if your were confronted by the killer?

Don't say that. I'm superstitious. - I'm sorry.

That was the girl from the movie theater last night who kept texting.

Oh god.

Someone killed her?

I think... I killed her. - Oh Harris, stop.

You're tripping out. Okay?

You had nothing to do with that girl's death.

How do you know?

How do you know?

What are you doing? Jesus!

I wanted her to fucking die.

I'm glad she's dead.

It's coming for you, Harris.

You asshole.

Jesus Christ, you look like my ex-wife's pussy.

It's that bad? - I'm sick of you!

You know what, it's always something with you. Okay?

It's no wonder you spend night after night of your pathetic life in a movie theater,

living other people's dreams, other people's lofty adventures.

You re a loser. An enormous loser.

In LA, it's about doing it and being a doer.

But you're a dreamer and you know what dreamers do? Nothing!

Talk about a waste of a life.

How about I waste your life?

You know what? I was just kidding with you.

I'm sorry.

Guess what? You're fucking fired. Get out.

I'm sorry.

Get out of here. get out. Quicker!

I can't believe I didn't get that fucking Blob movie, you know?

I had four callbacks for that stupid thing. It was a dumb part

but I brought something to it. You know what I'm saying?

Look... remember that play you did in the valley? Uh... Daddy Warbucks?

Yeah. - You were fuckin' pretty good in that.

The way you were with children and animals and shit, you were pretty fucking good.

Really?

Yeah, you were fucking good!

Thanks, man. - You can't sing worth a shit but...

I appreciate that.

Schmidt and Shoneberg, this is Captain Hill.

Red Harling wants to speak with you about his son's case.

Address is 5755 Bristol Lane.

This oughta be good. Let's go. - Yeah.

[playful roars]

I'm flipped. I'm totally flipped.

Red Harling, gentlemen.

Have a seat, take a load off.

Mi casa e tu casa.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

How rude of me. Would you gentlemen like a margarita?

No thanks, we can't drink on the job.

I'm not offering you booze, I'm offering you coos.

You see, Margarita here doesn't come in a bottle or maybe she does.

We'll never know but she is one tall drink of water ...if you know what I mean.

So you don't drink on the job. So I assume you're here to give me some good news.

So tell me you caught the boy who killed my son.

We're working on it.

Work harder. I'm not a patient man, gentlemen.

And I hate production delays.

And frankly, I don't see what the problem is.

If this was one off y pictures, I'd have this thing solved by the third reel.

Speaking of your movies, I gotta tell you that I love Cantaloupe County.

Karen McLaren... I was telling him about her. I love her, alright.

I must have pleasured myself a thousand times as a kid watching that movie.

Yeah, he's got calluses on his hands.

You and everyone else that saw it.

You know, when I'm not playing a cop, I'm actually an actor.

And I'd really love it if I could give you my reel.

You are? - Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, send me a reel.

Send me headshots, send me whatever you guys send.

Oh you, you bet.

Do you remember Sylvia O'Toole? What a looker she was, huh?

Now she would do this thing with a Twinkie.

She'd take a Twinkie and these things last for thousands of years.

She's break it in half. She'd suck the white cream out of it,

and spit it on her twat. She never missed. You could bet the farm on it.

She called me her pinky Twinkie.

But... enough about Sylvia. Now let me ask you gentlemen a question.

Do you know why they call me Red?

Because when I get angry, I see red. And I hate to see red.

It's bad for my fucking ulcer.

What the fuck about my son?

Your boss said you were onto something.

I gotta read it in the paper that we got a serial killer on our hands.

We're losing light, gentlemen. I hate to lose light.

I want a happy ending to this picture and I want it yesterday.

You naughty girl.

It's a little something for the policemen's ball.

Now are you gentlemen sure you don't want a wet, salty Margarita?

Fuck yeah, I could use one.

It's happy hour, boys.

I can't believe you took that fucking money.

I can't believe you banged Margarita.

Wouldn't you? I mean, fuck. It makes us both angels, right?

Look at that. That must be some broad that works there.

Jumbo's Clown Room. Ever been there?

Yeah, with you, dummy. When are you gonna tell the chief?

Fuck the chief. Maybe this is Red's way of helping us.

Besides we're gonna see some titties. Let's go.

Titties? You just got laid.

♪ As my eyes open, I am on my way out of this place. ♪

♪ I'm looking forward to the next generation of youth, youthful haste. ♪

♪ We don't cry, we don't fight, we can't walk each other's ways. ♪

♪ Here's what happens when we wait... ♪

Is Tanzenia here?

Yeah, she's in the back. What the fuck is this?

None of your fucking business.

You don't have to be an asshole about it.

I need to apologize for my friend here.

When he hasn't eaten anything, he tends to get bitchy.

Trust me, I gotta deal with it all day until he gets something in his stomach.

Fuckin' feed him and get out of here.

Who are you two then?

Hey, we're the cops. We'll ask the questions, lady.

So you were dating Raymond Harling until his untimely death last week, correct?

Yes, Ray was my boyfriend. I loved him very much.

Did you love him enough to murder him?

So when's the last time you saw your boyfriend?

This night he was killed...

He came by the club and we had dinner.

Milo stopped by, they got hammered and then they went to the silent movie theater

and watched Damnation Alley.

I remember because Milo had a hard-on for Jan Michael Vincent.

I think they even stayed for the midnight show.

Did you know if he had any enemies? Anyone who might want to hurt him?

Everybody. Ray was a dick to people.

He didn't think his shit didn't think and daddy made sure it didn't even if it did.

What do you mean by that?

I mean I was hired to be Ray's girlfriend by Red.

So Raymond couldn't get a girlfriend on his own.

No, because Ray was gay.

His father didn't approve of his lifestyle

and one night made me an offer I couldn't afford to pass up.

Listen, you guys, I'm just a washed up actress,

Soon to be washed up stripper.

There's really nothing more I can help you with.

Thank you.

That was a waste of lead.

It wasn't so bad. At least we got to see some titties.

♪ I'm falling for the same thing waiting for you. ♪

♪ You don't mid me hanging out because I'm so cool. ♪

♪ I'm so cool to you. ♪

So what do you got for me, boys?

Not much, chief. This whole case seems like a big jerk-off session.

Well, you better step it up a bit. I got the mayor on my ass.

So circle jerk this city and find out who's responsible for this shit.

Why do you guys smell like strippers?

Whenever you're ready. And... action.

Where is the light in which I see?

Darkness hides eternity.

Shadows hide my bloody tears.

Killing off the lonely years.

Cut.

[sighs]

That was, um, that was perfection.

You really think so?

What do you think about these?

Um... they're great.

[moaning]

Fuck me, Harris.

It hurts and not in a good way.

[choking]

Get off of me.

Fucking psycho.

Sorry.

[rustling]

Hey, you with the bag. Everyone in the theater can hear you.

Hey, shut the fuck up.

You motherfuckers.

Give me that fucking bag.

Hey buddy, we're closing up.

I just gotta squeeze one off before I hit the road.

I don't need to hear the details, just hurry up.

It's your world, boss. I just shit in it.

Fucker.

[fart]

I can't find anything in this goddamn place.

[fart]

[grumbling]

See what's in the paper.

What? Turn the light on!

God damn it, shit!

What the hell?

[groaning]

[suffocating]

What is going on with you?

Harris.

Leave me alone.

No, no, no. I will not leave you alone.

I am your mother.

What is going on?

You changed.

Have I?

You assaulted an old man.

How does that make you any different than the punks the other night at the theater?

[mumbles]

Harris, you're scaring me.

You're starting to remind me of your father.

You want to talk about crossing the line?

[mumbles]

That's crossing the line! That's crossing the line!!!

[sobbing]

♪ I thought it was a dream ♪

♪ My life was passing by ♪

♪ Lonely days, lonely nights, what am I gonna say ♪

♪ I'm thinking of your picture in the room ♪

♪ How was I to know what you're going through ♪

♪ I know you're over here. It's my life ♪

♪ I know it's right, because it's all in my mind ♪

I'm gonna stick it in you like I stick it in your mom.

[grunts, cries out in pain]

[maniacal laughter]

[knock on door]

Who is it?

Open up, police.

Harris Holden?

Jesus Christ! Cops?

We need you to take a ride with us downtown.

I just need to get my pants on. Sorry.

Okay.

Where were you last night?

The movies.

You like the movies, huh?

Yeah, that's kind of my thing.

I didn't ask you what you things was. I asked you where you were last night.

Which theater?

Showcase on La Brea.

Yeah, I know where that is. I also think you know why you're here.

[sighs] I think I know.

I got into it with an old man last night.

He was making too much noise at the theater.

I didn't hit him or anything. I just grabbed his bag of candy

and I threw it in the trash. That's what he was making all the racket with.

I know it's stupid but I lost my head and wasn't thinking.

I didn't think that he'd report it.

He didn't report it. He's dead.

Well, I didn't kill him.

We don't think you're a suspect. We're looking for someone bigger

but we'd appreciate any information you may have.

I'm sorry, this is... You look really familiar.

Were you in The Runs?

Aw, fuck me, dude. Yes! You're the first person I've ever met who's seen it.

Look at this guy.

It's good, I saw it on cable a few times. It's a fun little gem.

Really? Aw, thank you, man. I appreciate that.

In the future, don't take old people's candy.

It's their lifeblood, you know. You should see my grandmother eating See's candy.

She turns into like a crazed badger.

We have to hide it at Christmas time so she doesn't go into cardiac arrest.

Look man, we know you didn't do it. Here, here's my card.

If you have any other information, don't hesitate to call. Okay?

You're kind of our last hope.

All right, you're free to go.

Can we give you a ride back to your apartment?

No, no. I'll be good from here. Thanks, you guys.

Something's stinky in La La Land and we're gonna find out what it is.

Picking's ain't so good today.

It's just, stop being yourself, buddy. Now school's out.

Nothing makes me happier than the Little Rascals.

You wanna talk about it?

Did it have anything to do with that girl? She's pretty hot.

She come by here? - Her boyfriend did.

Real A-hole! he asked if we carry Far and Away, which of course we do.

I tried to sell him on Night Shift. The motherfucker had never seen it.

What a fucking douche.

I put my soul into this script.

You're the inspiration for it all.

[screaming]

Fuck!

[knock on door]

Yeah? - Is Heather home?

No Heather lives here. I just moved in. I'm your new neighbour, Max.

I'm a filmmaker. Nice to meet you.

Oh... Who fucking isn't.

What the fuck?

Mr. Post.

Son...

You see that big old wooly mammoth sitting out there in the tar pit, taking a crap?

Doesn't that give you some idea that maybe just maybe this is not my fucking office.

Mr. Post.

No, no. No, no. I'm sitting here trying to finish my lunch ...such as it is.

I'm sorry, Mr. Post. It's just that something really urgent has come up and -

No. I'll tell you what is urgent. I just had me a colonoscopy

and I'm here to tell you that it's a very unpleasant experience.

Now if I don't eat and digest my food in a slow, relaxed, calm manner,

then the gas that the tar pit is producing won't begin to compare to the gas that

I will producer. So look, take a load off, sit down, slow down and shut the fuck up.

All right...

Now tell me what it is.

Just tell me exactly what it is that's twisting your turnips.

I spoke to the writers' guild and they - - That's your first mistake.

You've got no god damned business talking to the writers' guild. That's my job.

They called me. - Then hang up.

They told me that - - I know what they told you.

That your claim as sole author can't stand up to a hill of refried beans.

Bullshit! I have earlier drafts registered in my name.

This Heather woman claims that you and she wrote the script together

and you went down to the writers' guild and re-registered it in both names.

No, no, no.

She has the registration numbers and the dates.

That's impossible. - Impossible?

Is that your John Hancock?

Well, it looks like mine but that could be a forgery.

What is that? - It's a copy of a quick claim form.

It states in old English, legalese, that you've been paid for your screenplay

and that you have signed off on all rights and privileges

to screen credit and story credit.

Yeah, what does that mean?

Translated from Old Gaelic, it means that you are truly and royally fucked.

I barely know this girl. She comes into my life, I give her a copy of my script.

And she takes off without a trace?

What you got here is a hot young philly that doesn't want to let go.

And she wines and dines with some pretty heavy hitters.

There's no way you can take this girl on. Her attorney is Miles Standish Richmond

Otherwise known as Mr. Undefeated.

Do I have any options? - Options? Yeah.

You can jump in that car pit right there. That's option #1.

Option #2 is that you stop pissing your pants and get out in front of this,

and do what professional screenwriters do.

When you get knocked on your ass, you get back up on your feet,

dust yourself off, scratch your balls, and write a new fucking screenplay.

This time be careful who you show it to.

This town is plagued with cutthroat whores and thieves.

Hey, there you go. You're writing already.

Thank you for your time, Mr. Post.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll send you my bill.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm coming. Hold on.

Hey Jim. - Damn it. What do you want?

I'm just getting ready to watch some good porno. What do you want?

Sorry to bother you but I'm wondering if you knew where that new girl Heather moved

She moved to my asshole, that's where she moved to.

She stole something from me and I really need to get it back.

I won't tell her who I got the information from.

I just need an address or phone number. Please, I just really need your help.

Look, blow me. Blow me, blow me.

I'll have to call the cops but I really need my property back.

Oh, all right, she moved over to Beachwood Avenue.

But the good news is her father paid her rent. it's all paid so I'm in the clear.

But you can't believe the dog shit she left behind.

The used condoms, the ticks, pills, scabs, She had Chairman Mau

plastered all over the place. I don't know if she was jerking off to him or what.

What a filthy bitch! She seemed like such a nice girl.

Thanks so much. Beachwood. I really appreciate it. I owe you, Jim.

Nigga, please.

Officer, hi, this is Harris Holden.

[knock on door]

What can I say, I love Far and Away.

What are you doing here?

Come inside, bud.

[thud]

Do you feel like Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man?

What the fuck's going on, Sieger?

True love, my friend. I didn't think it existed.

I thought it was a bullshit movie thing.

Oh, you motherfuckers.

You met at Cinecon, didn't you?

No, we met in a cinema chat room online.

You know what? It's the real thing.

And the video store's days are numbered with Netflix and Redbox taking over.

[footsteps]

Sieger... really gets me.

He is an amazing man.

But a genius? That he's not.

Thanks, honey. Why don't you untie him. He's not going anywhere.

Get the fuck down, man.

What the fuck's going on?

Sieger said he had a friend, a goofball...

Who let him read his script at work.

Sieger said the writing was magnificent.

He immediately knew this film would be a surefire hit

And to get a hold of it and make it his, because once the world found out about it

Well, everyone producer in town would make a play for it.

So we plotted to take it from you and it wasn't very hard.

We tried to make you think you're going crazy, constantly terrorizing you.

We even tried to frame you by killing that pig of a lady and her offspring

in the hopes that the cops would pin it on you.

It doesn't matter, we are going to make a shitload of money...

Fuck you!

Off of your pathetic little life

Which is going to end...

now.

It's the end of the movie, Harris.

[shrieking, growling]

[gunshots]

[sobbing]

[shrieking]

Jesus, what a mess.

Hey, you all right, man?

Yeah...

[laughs] Hey, listen, we heard everything. You can make your movie after all.

Come on. And when it comes to casting, don't forget about me. Okay?

I won't - All right, come on. Atta boy.

[police siren]

I'm so proud of you, Harris.

What did I do?

Your script, your success.

Getting out of this alive.

Yeah...

I think things might be different... from now on.

Well, I think it's time we decide on the important question.

What film are we going to?

I just want to sleep.

I'm not afraid anymore.

Who the fuck's he talking to?

Thanks again, officers. Thank you so much.

Just try to stay out of trouble.

Yeah, you know, I still think the kid's a fucking nut.

[growling]

No, Jesus Christ!

Shit!