Original subtitles

'The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.'

ROB: The Tokyo Olympic Games are just around the corner,

so Romesh and I are on a very special mission...

-You ready? -Yeah. You look good.

..to see if we have what it takes

to join the ranks of the world-beating team GB.

Last week we handpicked Olympic sports

that we thought we'd have a chance at.

There must be one here that we're gonna excel at. There must be.

Our hopes were sunk on the canoe slalom.

(SCREAMS) Oh, God!

And a weightlifting didn't exactly lift our spirits.

I hate it.

But Rom did show some promise on the hockey field.

(CHEERING)

So, this week I need a win...

(GROANS)

..as we continue on our search for a sport...

Pull. ..we were born to do.

First up, Romesh, Max Whitlock.

The greatest British gymnast of all time.

Who is the second greatest?

Oh. Old, you know, Carl Sleeves.

But Max Whitlock is truly amazing. Yes. He is.

Proper Olympic great. He is well flexible, mate.

Proper flexible. Mad flex. He's got mad flex.

-So flexible. -He's bendy, he's ripped and he's a nice guy.

Ripped and flexible? I bet he's got a really tiny dick.

And a nice guy. Had you been ripped from 16,

just the way you'd swagger around life.

You'd be so different. Top off whenever the sun came out.

No reason to try and be funny or interesting.

If you had a six-pack, would you be tops off walking around a park?

-No. -No? Well, I'd like to think I wouldn't.

If I had Max Whitlock's physique, I'd be unbearable.

I'd do so many Instagram pictures on holiday.

I'd be like, "Look at my brown head and completely white body."

If you were picking something you might be good at, what would it be?

In gymnastics? In gymnastics, yeah.

I'd need something that does most of the work. Trampoline?

Yeah. I like the idea of trampoline.

I've got a mini trampoline for the kids.

With three months of Instagram stories to show for it.

Oh, sorry. Some of us have time to Instagram

cos we're not on the telly all day.

Ooh, boy.

It's egotistical to talk about myself on Instagram.

I should just get a television show named after me.

A pun of my own name on the TV.

The Ranganation.

Misadventures With Romesh Ranganathan.

Rob

So, do you do telly without your name in it?

I did Judge Romesh.

Yeah. Oh, whoops.

I can't see us being good at gymnastics.

Do you know what? I think you are right.

But if we've got any ability, Max will be able to find it.

Max Whitlock MBE

is the most successful gymnast in British history.

COMMENTATOR: Oh, he nails it well under pressure.

He broke onto the scene at 19,

winning two bronze medals at London 2012.

Four years later, at Rio,

he cemented his place in British sporting history,

winning another bronze and not one but two gold medals...

And Max Whitlock has just landed on a gold medal.

..becoming Team GB's first ever Olympic gymnastics champion.

Wow. (APPLAUSE)

Yes, Max. Hello, mate.

How are you both? All right?

Just taking in that and the fact you've got your top off.

It's a lot to process. It's a lot happening there.

I thought I'd take you through some training today if you're up for it.

It will be quite intense, some serious stuff,

but it should be good, if you're willing to get stuck in.

What's happening there, mate? Let's strip off.

Want to go topless now? Yeah. Might as well.

Join in with Max.

Let's do it. -You ready? -Yeah.

You look good. Cool.

Our moves wouldn't win any medals...

I don't know why we did that.

..so we decided to dress for glory.

♪ X gon' give it to ya What?

♪ Waiting for you to get it on your own, X gon' deliver to ya

♪ Knock, knock Open up the door, it's real... ♪

You don't look impressed. YOU don't look impressed.

That's the problem. (LAUGHS)

Are we intimidating you? A little bit.

What's it like seeing a real man in this shit?

Welcome to the gun show. RealBritain

(LAUGHTER)

That's what a real man looks like. Yeah.

It looks good. Yeah. Comfy?

That actually hurt a lot more than I thought it would.

Right, so, we will start off with getting warmed up.

Stop injuries from happening. We'll start off with an on-the-spot.

Come on, mate. Some jogging, get ourselves warm.

I was crap in PE. Humiliatingly bad. Terrible at gymnastics.

I decided to leave that part of my life behind

and go on and do something else.

Straight legs. That's it. (LAUGHTER)

Like that? (LAUGHTER)

And sadly, as a result of being involved in this show,

I have to relive all of my PE lessons all over again as an adult.

Me, Romesh, big baby. (LAUGHTER)

The target, then, is to touch your toes.

(SCREAMS) Yes, Rom. You're getting there.

How you like that shit, Whitlock?

On more than one occasion

Rob Beckett has described himself as hypermobile.

Rob Beckett and hypermobile should not be in the same sentence.

In fact, Rob Beckett is not mobile. (GROANS)

(LAUGHTER)

I could end up with egg on my face

if he suddenly pulls out a bloody double pirouette with a...

I don't know what things are called.

Nice. Is that it?

Yeah, that's was. You prick.

The cartwheel was fine, but that's not Olympics, is it?

That was a heavy bum.

What next? Hopscotch?

Tag? It?

How is he able to do it? You prick.

(GRUNTS)

Go on.

That was pretty good. We're getting there.

Yeah. Based on what?

(LAUGHTER) What evidence have you got of that?

Max's favourite event is the pommel horse.

That's an Olympic champion.

After seeing us in action...

Your body goes around, hand lifts up.

The reigning world and Olympic champion decided

we would be better off learning the basics

on a giant mushroom and plastic bucket.

Right, off you go, Rom. Don't overload the mushroom.

I don't give a shit about overloading the bucket.

That's it. Go on, then. You've got to move your body around.

That's it. Yes. That's it.

Oh. Nearly. That's it.

There you go. That's it. Legs come around.

And spin 'em. (LAUGHS)

He's supposed to be facing forward, -isn't he? -Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

I feel like the world's saddest gnome.

The mushroom and bucket is how, in gymnastics, they scaffold learning.

That is to start you off.

That's it. Hello. Give me... No. He's gone.

That would take me 18 months to 2 years

to even manage one rotation.

Oh, no. He looks like he's been caught.

(LAUGHTER)

You got yourself a big fish.

Reel me in.

It looks like a film.

It was so, so awful.

This looks hard. I reckon you've got this.

I actually think... I genuinely think you've got this.

Really go for it. Some speed... (LAUGHS)

It's hard, that, innit?

It must be easier just on there.

But it wasn't.

So, right leg round and in. Oh. (GROANS)

(CHUCKLES) Ever confident, I will go again.

Right leg... Yeah. Pull up.

The old arms.

Whoo!

The mushroom and bucket was not our event,

but, luckily, there was plenty more to try.

Shall I show you what it's like? -Yeah. -Sure.

Maybe the vault would be easier.

Nope. Absolutely not.

OK. Yeah? No.

The challenge might as well be, "Rob, be Asian."

Yeah. "Rob and Rom, your challenge for the day, speak fluent Punjabi."

♪ Better, better get out my way... ♪

After our pathetic show on the pommel,

Max decided to bring the vault down to our level

and Rob attempted a forward roll.

(GRUNTS) (CHUCKLES)

The neck took a lot of that, Max.

Stupidly, I decided to try something more ambitious.

(LAUGHTER) He's gone under.

This is like fucking quicksand.

So, we are here at the rings. Yeah.

I think, first off, we will start with hanging.

I suspect we are gonna start and finish with hanging. Spoiler alert.

I know your job is the, sort of, low morale guy.

Yeah. You've joined me, haven't you? Yeah.

I just think... I think what's happened is

we've put this on, which is the worst we've ever looked,

and then, after a series of failures, it does start to hit morale.

Yeah. But we're gonna smash this.

Yeah, this has got Rob and Romesh -written all over it. -Yeah.

How difficult is this compared to the mushroom and bucket?

That sounds like a terrible pub name, doesn't it?

What's the weight limit on this?

(CHUCKLES) I actually don't know.

I would love it if it just snapped off.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, fuck. (LAUGHTER)

I nearly went then.

Fucking hell.

Like the shittiest episode of Ninja Warrior ever.

Oh, I'm sorry, mate.

That's it. How is that feeling? It is feeling quite solid?

I feel like I'm fat.

We thought we were fat and it was shown to us today.

(SHRIEKS)

I cannot support my own bodyweight.

That is no way to live, is it?

(GROANING)

And I think that is not the way an Olympian should be.

Why is it so hard? (FARTS)

Oh. That was all right.

(CHUCKLES) I did a blow-off.

I tried to hide it in the foam, but he heard it.

The sound man heard it.

I had chicken tikka masala for lunch.

Apologies if the ring smells now, Rom.

You've got a smelly ring on your hand, I'm afraid.

Oh, I don't think I can do this. (BOTH LAUGH)

You push it with your hands? No, your foot.

I didn't think that bit would be the challenge.

-It does feel weak. -That don't look strong enough, does it?

It's like walking out on an ironing board.

To be good at gymnastics requires a level of physicality

that I not only cannot achieve, I cannot imagine.

♪ I'm-a swing it, watch me bring it to the next level ♪

There he is. Oh! (LAUGHTER)

Back up.

Nice. That's it. Legs forwards and backwards at the same time.

Legs together. Legs together. Legs together.

That's it. (GROANS)

That's horrible. That is horrible.

Max decided to bring our agony to an end on the trampoline.

Oh! OK, yeah, that is mental.

Glasses off, let's go.

Let's do this. Glasses off.

♪ Jump, jump, jump, jump Jump, jump, jump, jump... ♪

Ooh. Ooh! He's got a bit of pace about him out of nowhere, hasn't he?

He's loving that. Hands in the air. Whoo.

You look like you're at the front row for a Wu-Tang gig.

(LAUGHTER) Yes! There he goes.

Nobody describes a trampoline as unpredictable.

But yet, every single time I came back down onto it,

I was surprised by how quickly it came up to meet me.

(LAUGHTER)

That can't be real. That can't be real, mate.

Was that ChuckleVision?

Yeah, the trampoline I thought would've been easier.

That took you by surprise, didn't it, Rob?

Stay light. Don't need to go too high.

(LAUGHTER)

Why am I going so high? I can't stop it.

I'm used to a circle one with netting that I've got at home.

So that gives you a bit of protection.

That is too bouncy. (LAUGHTER)

Why won't it stop?

I'm not doing anything. (LAUGHS)

It had more bounce than I needed.

(LAUGHTER)

That was the hardest thing -we've ever done. -OK.

And that's the worst -we've ever been at anything. -Yeah.

But you were very patient and I enjoyed the trampoline thing.

Mushroom bucket was hard work.

I think I may have to sue for my neck.

Maybe gymnastics isn't your thing.

No. I don't know.

You put that really nicely. (CHUCKLES)

I've never heard the word "maybe" take so much stress.

Well, thank you very much.

We're gonna pop back and probably cry in the shower for a bit

and then head home and re-evaluate.

Thanks for coming. -Cheers, Max. -Thanks.

Good luck in Tokyo. Thank you.

See you later, bro. See you.

Stop looking at my arse, Max. (LAUGHS)

Let's do it. (SHRIEKS)

Rom and I are searching for our inner Olympian.

You got yourself a big fish.

(LAUGHTER) Reel me in!

Our training session with world title winner

and double Olympic champion Max Whitlock

has exposed our woefully inadequate gymnastics skills.

(GROANS) Maybe gymnastics isn't your thing.

Next on our list was the throwing events.

Otherwise known as fat sports.

Hi, and welcome to Fat Sports.

Two fat guys turning up to do fat sports.

Sponsored by Pizza Hut Buffet.

And up steps Rob Beckett.

Usual ritual of eating three or four Pringles

before he steps up to throw the javelin.

And stuffed crust, that's far!

That is nearly as high as his cholesterol there.

To make sure we didn't do ourselves an injury,

we were going to be trained by Olympic legend Denise Lewis, OBE.

It was the Sydney Olympics in 2000

that Denise stormed to a momentous victory,

becoming the first European to win the heptathlon...

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) She is the Olympic champion.

..and bring home one of Team GB's 11 golds.

-Hi, Denise. -Hello. Hey! Hi, guys.

How you doing? You good? Welcome to St Mary's Athletics Club.

You're gonna do some throwing with me today.

Yes. We're very excited about throwing.

Rob calls them fat sports.

Well, what I'm saying is the main people that do the throwing ones

are, sort of, heavier set.

Rob, you're the one that said you could easily do this

after eating three or four pies.

You've invented that, but I think I could.

(LAUGHS) Let's have a look, then.

Let's see what you've got. This is gonna be a head-to-head, isn't it?

We wanna see who's the best here.

Go and get changed and I'll see you in a bit.

Before we started lobbing heavy objects, we needed to stretch out.

We've got some warm-up aids. Grab one each.

What do you look like? We've got lockdown hair going on.

I think it actually quite suits you. Thanks.

I like the longer hair, the slightly darker...

What do you call that? Dirty blonde?

First time Rob's been described as slightly darker.

He is the whitest bloke I know.

Rob Beckett, super-dark.

"You see that programme where Denise threw with Romesh and Rob?" "Which one is Rob?" "The dark one."

(LAUGHTER)

Right, you two. Right. Restore order.

Right. So, this is not a necklace, Rob.

We're gonna use this to stretch.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I like that.

This is a great bit of kit for home as well.

If the kids are annoying, you could tie them up with these.

Yeah. Twang their little buttocks. Why did I say that out loud?

Twang their little buttocks. I think I'm the one that's slightly darker.

Next, Denise gave us the chance

to showcase our fancy footwork on the agility ladder.

-I shouldn't laugh. -Is that right? It's really right. It's right.

It's just that you cracking up isn't that motivational.

Keep those toes up. Nice.

(LAUGHTER)

Really quick. I love it. Too quick?

(LAUGHTER)

I actually managed to fall off a flat ladder.

We hadn't even started.

Now we were limbered up, it was time for our first challenge.

The javelin.

Accelerates. Oh, this looks huge!

Gives it plenty. It looks good!

It's a world record!

Having tested Denise's patience in the warm-up,

we'd probably need to be more careful now she was armed.

I want you to try and stab this point into the ground.

So, just release...

..and throw. OK.

Just nice and easy. Easy.

So, keep the point nice and close to your head.

Arm back.

It don't look like how you did it, Denise.

Just face slightly more side-on.

Sorry I don't look like the heptathlete.

Olympic champion. Sorry about that.

I'm just saying, it doesn't look like you're doing the same thing.

He looks like a cab driver who caught one in the car park.

Whose is this? Is this someone's?

I'll get it back to you, mate. (LAUGHTER)

♪ Don't sweat the technique... ♪

Sure, I looked a bit awkward. Just take your arm back.

But after a few pointers from Denise...

See? Is that it?

..I was good to go. Launch it.

Fabulous. Great.

You take your strut. You go and own it, Romesh.

Thank you. Thank you. OK. Let me step back this side.

(CHUCKLES)

♪ Good morning, ladies and gentlemen... ♪

I have no words. That's fantastic. (LAUGHS)

He's found his event.

See, I really regret the strut now.

Rob was a natural at the javelin.

I mean, he's good.

If you wanted to fall behind to someone,

Rob Beckett is probably

one of the worst human beings on the planet to do that to.

I just need to increase power and speed.

When he discovers he's good at something,

he truly is a piece of shit about it.

It don't look human, does it?

What did I do wrong? You didn't do anything wrong.

Do you want me to get it while you explain what to do?

OK, I can do. Everything he does is calculated.

What he is saying is, "I am now on Denise's side."

When we arrived here, it was Rom and Rob.

And now it's Denise and Rob

versus Rom's lack of coordination and physicality.

Fancy, fancy. Is that right?

Yeah, keep moving. Try and move now.

That's all right, Rom. Yeah.

After that performance, the javelin was definitely off my shortlist,

but there were still three more things to throw.

Next up, the shot put.

At the elite level, these giants can launch a seven-kilogram shot

well over 20 metres.

But what did we have in our locker?

First thing is positioning with the shot.

See these little fatty pads you've got there?

Yeah. Yeah. Fatty pad.

Press the ball... Fatty pad.

Get it on the fatty pad. Yeah.

Get it on the fatty pad.

Hold tight. (LAUGHTER)

Hold tight with the fatty pads.

Once your first shot put is on your fatty pads, you're gonna...

RAPPING: Put it in your necky crease

♪ On the fatty pad In the necky crease

♪ Turn around and, baby, I feel release ♪

So, fatty pad, necky crease. Let's go.

Elbow high and then you're going throw.

Right. Go on, then, Robby.

Half a pint of water has leaked out of my eye. Is that normal with the cold?

That's how it started for me. (LAUGHS)

Oh, that was good. Big man Rob.

Big man Rob on the shot put ting.

Denise was really, really impressed with what Rob did.

Really explode with the legs. Nice.

She wasn't impressed with what I did.

Which is fine because I was crap.

Oh, fuck.

Not sure what to say about that one, to be honest.

When it became offensive was when I started to get patronised.

I think you've done really well. That's really good.

I would do a shot that was easily

two to three metres shorter than Rob's.

And then they would all gather round like I was a new puppy

and tell me how well I'd done.

That's good. And again. We go again.

Me and Denise were worried about Romesh.

His head's gone. He's just thinking, "I can't, I can't."

The truth is he can't, but we need to try and pretend to him that he can.

(SCREAMS)

I'm not even joking, that was really nice.

Ah, thanks, Denise.

It was time to get hammered.

Future Olympian Taylor Campbell was on hand to show us how it's done.

Boys. Hammer throw.

You start on your right.

You swing it round your head, you brush your hair.

And then you throw. Yeah.

That's called a standing throw. OK.

And that's what you boys will be doing.

And it turned out the hammer was a great leveller...

Absolutely out of control there.

..because Rob was rubbish... I was in another dimension!

(LAUGHTER)

..and so was I.

There we go. -That's it, Rom. -Throw.

(LAUGHTER) Yes!

I'm never, ever doing that again. Thank you. Cheers, mate.

I'm never touching one of those ever again. Thank you. Good night.

For Romesh to restore some dignity, all his hopes rested on the discus.

COMMENTATOR: Third round. His best so far, 66 metres.

Oh, he's got this flying flat.

That's a big throw. That's a massive throw for Dacres.

So, you really want the discus to work off the fingers.

(GRUNTS) Got that?

Got it, yeah.

Better on the grass.

So, I'm gonna do a little demonstration with my throw.

Get it in the fatty pad. No? (LAUGHS)

No fatty pad. -No fatty pad. -Fatty pad.

(CHUCKLES) Fingers.

OK. You pointed, I thought that was my nickname.

Fatty Pad. Right, Fatty Pad, you listening?

Right, are you ready? Rob here and my mate Fatty Pad.

We're gonna learn how to do discus.

All right, sorry, Denise. (LAUGHTER)

Should we crack on? Rotate back.

Release and throw. Oh.

That's good. Arm up.

That's not too bad. I really think I'm gonna smash this.

How am I looking form-wise, Denise? Looking good.

Oh! That's your first one.

What did I do wrong? I thought Rob looked pathetic when he did it and I didn't do it as well as him.

What were you thinking about when you were throwing?

Might be a bit dark for this show.

Sort of, haven't been talking much at home.

Hope she still loves me. That kind of thing.

See, you need to change it up a bit.

Rob had given his all.

Now I had one last shot at saving face.

There he is.

I would have to dig deep and unleash the beast.

It was do or die. Positivity.

Romesh, you look powerful, you've got big, strong, long arms.

Positive. Spin and send her home.

OK. When we did the javelin, when we did the shot put,

I was slightly worried about not being in full control.

I was holding back a little bit.

We've been crap at everything we've done so far

and then as I stepped up to do the discus, I thought,

"This time, Romesh, really go for it.

Really, like, give it your all."

Oh, shit.

Fucking hell.

Are you serious? Are you all right, Denise?

What are you doing? (LAUGHS)

I nearly said to you to aim for the open bit.

I literally saw my life flash in front of me.

I'm so sorry. Romesh.

Romesh Ranganathan threw a discus at Denise Lewis' head.

That is not a sentence I thought I'd say today.

But I have. And she laughed it off.

And I don't know why cos it nearly killed her.

Based on what you saw today, is there anything

that you, sort of, think we had any kind of potential in?

I kind of know the answer from me. You still need to keep looking.

OK. What about me?

Javelin. I was very impressed. Got a natural arm.

I've got a very unnatural arm.

I think your biggest problem is your self-belief.

Tell yourself that you are better than you think you are.

Well, I think I'm absolute shit, so...

All right. I'll do that. I'll take that forward.

Thank you very much for today.

Denise, good luck with the legal case you're bringing against me.

Yeah. You'll hear from my lawyers. Yeah. Thank you. Cheers.

Cheers. Thanks, guys. -Thanks, guys. -Thank you. Bye.

That couldn't have gone worse for me.

They've got no hope. Yeah, they haven't. Not at all.

(GRUNTS) We were on a mission with Team GB

to discover the sport we were born to do.

(LAUGHTER)

After being outclassed by Rob in the javelin...

I mean, he's good.

..and nearly killing sporting hero Denise Lewis in the discus...

Oh, shit. ..it was clear.

The throwing events were not for me. I'm so sorry.

Last on our list and our final chance at glory was shooting.

So we headed to EJ Churchill,

the home of Team GB's elite shooting squad.

It feels like, if there was something

that we've got an untapped skill in, it could be this.

We'd be trained by Olympic hopefuls

Aaron Heading and Georgina Roberts...

-Hi, you all right? -You all right? -Hello. -Hiya.

..who are on hand to introduce us to our little friends.

These are what we will be using today,

which is just an over and under 12-bore.

You've never used one of these before, have you?

No, never. It's gonna be a surprise for you.

I have done clay pigeon shooting before, but hungover on a stag do.

I've played a lot of Call Of Duty over lockdown.

And I'm pretty good at that.

That's more controller than gun, but it's all the same.

It's exactly the same. This could be your calling card.

-You know? -So, you do have to be physically fit to do it?

Just a good general condition.

OK? We haven't got to run marathons to keep fit.

You're not doing cardio. You're not running marathons?

No. No. So this must be a tick on your box.

Yeah, exactly. That's why we're here.

So, no marathons, but really good general fitness.

Looking at the professionals, it gives me hope.

So, hopefully, Aaron can lead me and Rom to Olympic glory.

Paris, here we come. Only two hours away. It's worth a go, in it?

So, are you ready to try some guns? Yes, we were.

Wow. How does it feel?

Powerful. Now I've got it in my hand, I just want to go to town.

Go to town, walk into a Tesco's, everybody hit the floor.

Yes. Yeah. Wouldn't do that.

You wouldn't do that. No. No.

Instead of doing a heist...

Let's do this. After you.

..we decided to shoot some clays.

Right after we dropped into the gift shop.

♪ THE STOOGES: I Wanna Be Your Dog

♪ Now I wanna be your dog

♪ Now I wanna be your dog Come on ♪

(CHUCKLES) I'm feeling it.

Do you wanna be careful with that thing?

You are swinging it around like a lunatic.

All right. I'll do the little - Adopt the safety position.

The handbag hold. Are we gonna fire real bullets?

Are they bullets? Is that what they're called?

Is it blanks? It can't be real bullets.

Like, shoot you in the stomach bullet, can it?

What's a shoot you in the stomach bullet?

Like... (GROANING)

You know what I mean? It's not like... Yeah.

I'm sure it will be, "That was loud, but is it real?"

No, I think it will hurt and kill you if you -

Yeah. Well, let's not do that. Also, I'm not a big fan of clay.

What do you mean? I'm from South-East London.

That's why there's no tube network, the ground is too clay-y.

So that always frustrated me.

I've always had that regional hatred towards clay.

You never fail to surprise me with the things you're passionate about.

I hate clay. I never thought -

Oh, mate, the issues I've had with subsidence.

I'll have you know, it's a silent killer.

It's like the Japanese knotweed of South-East London.

Should we go shoot the shit out of some stuff?

I just wanna bruck up some clay now. Me too. Clay is gonna get mush-up.

Mandem gonna destroy, brap!

Pigeons gonna get mash-up all over the place.

Gonna splash pigeon in the head. (LAUGHTER)

We'd be starting at the novice stand and Aaron showed us how it was done.

Good luck, mate. Thank you.

It'd be embarrassing if you didn't get it, as an Olympian.

I am shitting myself.

Pull.

(GUNSHOT / CHEERING) Ah.

Just like that. Well, that was cool.

Blowing the smoke out the end of your shotgun.

-Yeah. -Oh, I like the smell. It's like firework night.

It's beautiful, innit? Sorry, I was a bit loud.

(ALL LAUGH) Yeah, it's beautiful, innit?!

Right. Who's going first?

Go on, Beckett. Do you want me to go first?

Yeah, cos I'm scared. OK. All right, I'll go first.

Come on over.

I have to admit it, I was nervous too.

Here we go. Let's do this. HIGH-PITCHED: Pull!

-Did I get it? -No. What do you mean, did you get it?

My aim wasn't Olympic standard either.

HIGH-PITCHED: Pull! (GUNSHOT)

Pull! (GUNSHOT)

-Agh! -Whoa. Rob, can I ask you?

Why do you keep saying pull like that?

Your voice keeps breaking. "Pull!"

You sound like you've just gone through puberty.

You sound distressed. Cos I'm really nervous.

(LAUGHTER)

I thought, "Did I imagine it the first time?"

Then three times in a row, you've gone, "Pull!"

OK, I'll try -

Just work on the pull. Everything else is good.

Pull. (LAUGHTER)

(GUNSHOT) Absolutely no chance.

My eyes are all over the gaff. I just can't...aim.

So, what this seems to be is a slight eye dominance issue.

I'm struggling with the eyes.

I can't shut the left one. Which is integral.

It's as important as that. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

It's like, I might as well just have both eyes shut.

I might do that the next one.

I know we are playing fast and loose with safety, but...

All right. OK. Sure, Mr Health and Safety.

Where's your high-vision, nerd? (LAUGHTER)

If I want to shoot blind, I will shoot blind.

(LAUGHTER / GUN COCKING) Thank you.

Oh, shit. Oh, yeah, forgot that bit.

(LAUGHTER)

If you're having problems with vision,

I don't know what's gonna happen when I step up there.

We only picked this because we thought we might be able to do it

and our eyes are gone. (CHUCKLES)

Rob, try with a bit of card behind your glasses.

-OK. -That should just block that vision for this shot.

Confidence is up now.

You can see it, can't you? It should be. You look the part.

Hey. Oh, that's better. Perfect.

I feel confident now. He's ready.

Do I look like an Olympian? You look great.

Yeah. Good luck.

Right, OK. Pull!

(GUNSHOT / CHEERING) Come on!

It turns out, Rob, without the home-made eyepatch,

absolute dog shit at clay pigeon shooting.

Pull. (GUNSHOT)

Smashed it. OK. This isn't good news.

When he put that little sliver of card in, he becomes a demon.

Pull. Yes!

How cool do I look now?

It's an incredible transformation.

I was very good, considering I'm a complete novice,

so, with your experience...

I knew you were gonna do that. Let's see what you can do, Rom.

Under pressure. OK, let's do it.

Rob hadn't exactly lowered the stakes.

OK. Pull. Go on, Rom.

Underneath. Go on.

(GUNSHOT) There you go!

Come on! I don't know how you hit that one.

I thought he bottled it. No, no. That was impressive.

Feels good. It does, doesn't it?

It feels really good. Look at his little face. His smile.

As soon as you hit that first clay, oh, mate.

All right, let's try and get two in a row.

Smooth like butter. Pull.

(GUNSHOT) -Two out of two! -Yeah!

I was buzzing, mate. Absolutely buzzing.

Pull. Underneath.

(GUNSHOT / CHEERING)

Come on! Right up.

Another.

Yes! You're an animal! You're an animal!

Another. (GUNSHOT / CHEERING)

Another. Yes!

Come on!

(LAUGHTER)

It was incredible. Oh, yes!

Gotta do ten. Ten in a row. Gotta do ten.

How many was that? That was nine.

Oh, I don't wanna ruin it. (LAUGHTER)

Go on. We believe in you. You can do it.

Ten in a row. Here we go. OK.

Yeah. Pull.

Yes! Come on!

Ten in a row. Ten, baby!

You found your sport. I can't believe this is happening.

This is for all you pricks that doubted me.

(LAUGHTER)

It turns out Romesh is incredible at shooting.

Yes! Come on!

The one-eyed bandit destroyed those clays.

Legend. Smoked it. He actually smoked it.

He smoked it. I don't know what that means, but he did it.

Yes, Romesh. Whoo!

You're smoking it, mate. Whoo!

You found your calling, mate.

What's weird is the eye that you use, it feels like...

I'm doing it with a curtain being drawn across it.

Maybe that's why you are doing it so much lower.

That is why. I'm doing it as soon as I see it.

It's like, "There's no clay. There it is!"

Our entire friendship, Rob has derived joy

and banter from my eye.

To turn up here and find out that it's his eye that's the problem...

This is one of the greatest experiences of my life.

Let's now go on and do what we do.

Shall we leave this one and go and do the Olympic track?

OK, let's do this. We are going to the Olympics.

(LAUGHTER)

Rom and I are on a journey with Team GB.

Yes! He's an animal!

So far, it looked like Rom had finally found his sporting talent.

Come on! You found your calling, mate.

This is for all you pricks that doubted me.

But now it was time for us to step up to the Olympic track.

So, when you shoot, the target will cross underneath it,

so you will be able to see it when it comes out.

To see if we truly had what it takes,

we'd have to shoot our clays

slung randomly from any of the 15 concealed tracks.

When you call pull, you don't know

if you're gonna get a left, a centre or a right.

This was it. Record in time.

That pigeon got powdered, you little powdered bitch.

Could I beat Rom in the final showdown?

OK, guys. Let's go into a shootout. A shootout?

Three shots each. Let's see who wins.

Eyepatch. Good luck, Beckles.

That's not your cardboard thing, that's a label from your clothes.

(LAUGHTER)

Is that your first time wearing that outfit?

I've got so many pockets.

I can't take it back now. Perfect.

Good luck, Robby.

Thanks, baby.

Close your legs. (LAUGHTER)

I can stand how I want. Just relax. Just relax.

Just relax. Don't...

Pull!

(ALL CHEERING) Robby!

That's... Incredible.

..Olympic level, yeah? (CHUCKLES)

I am really worried. I'm popping pigeon powder...

(LAUGHTER) ..at the Olympic level.

Yeah. You are. I cannot believe that.

Go on. Off you go, Rommy. Right, OK. Pressure's on now.

I'm not having this little prick. No pressure.

No presh, mate. You have to hit it.

OK. Pull. Shoot it.

Yes! Come on! You hit it!

Yes, Romesh! He hit it.

That was brilliant. (BLOWS AIR)

OK, cool. -So far you're both on one. -Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

He's pissing me off now.

Don't worry. Pull.

(LAUGHTER)

Mad Dog Beckett on the shooting. (LAUGHTER)

Bollocks. No pressure, Romesh. No pressure.

The old trustee!

Surely that eyepatch is illegal. (LAUGHTER)

It's a performance-enhancing drug.

OK. Pull. Go.

-Yes! -Yes! -Come on! -Yes!

Did you hit it? He hit it, yeah.

Whoo! Oh, no, he didn't.

He barely skimmed it. What are you talking about?

He hit that. Honestly, he hit it.

OK. He hit it. He hit it.

They're saying it. I didn't see nothing, mate.

I didn't see no powder. Take your patch off and watch.

I didn't see no powder. OK, boys. Now it's sudden death.

Go on, then, Becks. Good luck, Romesh.

Hope the best guy wins. (CHUCKLES)

Pull.

Ohhhh! Oh, too soon.

Got too excited. Powder-free.

Romesh, this is your time. I'm ready. Don't worry about that.

He's not scared.

Pull.

Ohhhh. Shit-house.

Keep going. Go on, Rob.

Eyepatch. Perfect. Safety off.

Pull.

Yes! The pigeon powder! He's back.

You see it? You see the powder? Sudden death, Romesh.

Big boy stuff. He's got it in the locker?

He can only hit on a sad, we know that.

(CHUCKLES) He can only -

Shut up! Lean forward and go for it.

OK. (EXHALES)

Pull.

Ohhhh! We have a winner.

Good game, Romesh.

I had half an hour thinking I was good at something.

You was good at something, just not as good as me.

Romesh, considering, you did really well, mate.

All things considered. All things considered...

..you did amazing. You did really, really well.

We still hit Olympic standard targets, Rom.

Yeah. Definitely. Both of us.

Sure, me more than you. Let's not get bogged down by that.

We both hit Olympic standard targets. Roll on, Paris.

To be fair, I know you both did really, really well at sporting.

But this is another level,

so the fact that you hit anything is amazing.

Really proud of us. Romesh, we're good at something.

I know. It's incredible. It feels weird.

Now, when we started this... Yeah.

..and we were talking about what sports we were gonna do

and we were gonna find something we might be Olympians at...

Yep. ..I thought we were joking.

Yeah, yeah, I just thought,

"We'll be crap at everything, but it will fill an episode."

At the end, we'd go, "Olympians really are good at what they do."

Yeah. "We've got no chance."

But it turns out... We have.

..we're a pair of clay pigeon shooting bastards.

Oh, my God. Aren't we?

-Yeah. -Bang. Yeah. Instinct.

Pigeon powder. That's what it is. Yeah.

Opened her up. Boom. Powder. Boom. Powder.

Thank you. Ten in a row.

Ten in a row. Oh, my God.

Yes, it was the practice range for kids, but still, ten in a row.

He hit it on the sag. Bang.

Hit on the apex? No, thank you, mate.

I'm gonna hit it where my lazy eye allows me to see it.

The old eyelid got in the way of that one. There it is. Bang.

When the eyelid curtain reveals, I will pull the trigger.

HIGH-PITCHED: Pull! That's got to be sorted, though.

It sounded like they had your family hostage and they said,

"If you don't hit this clay, we'll kill them all."

Yeah. That's what it sounded like. "Pull!"

Yeah. I'll work on that.

But when you are covered in pigeon powder dust,

who cares what you sound like? It affects your voice, doesn't it?

Who would have thought that it'd be you with the eyepatch?

I know. I'm nicking your act.

They'll get us confused.

Only two eyes between them.

Two painful weeks had passed since we'd shortlisted the Olympic events

that we thought we could master.

There it is. Our future.

We might be joining the Olympics.

It hadn't been easy. (LAUGHTER)

First, we took to the water for the canoe slalom...

Where is that prick?

..and quickly found ourselves out of our depth.

Oh, shit!

Undeterred... Tornado!

..next we headed to the gym to try weightlifting.

Which, to be fair, wasn't our finest hour.

I hate it.

But just when things looked their bleakest...

I discovered I had some talent in goal on the hockey team.

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

Come on!

And for once, Rob was left speechless.

See you later, loser!

Feeling confident, next we tried our hands at gymnastics,

with truly pathetic results.

Maybe gymnastics isn't your thing.

Then we took to the field in what we were hoping

would be a clean sweep of the fat sports.

(SCREAMS) Rob had shown some early promise.

I have no words. That's fantastic.

But, unbelievably, it turns out...

Pull. Yes!

..we were born to shoot. Shoot it.

Come on!

Popping Olympic clay pigeon powder was our calling.

Would you like a drink? I would love a drink, please.

Now we had wrapped up our sporting journey...

Beer? ..we headed to Rob's man cave...

(GRUNTS) ..where he said he had a surprise in store.

So, we found our sport. Yeah. We have found our sport.

To celebrate, I got you a present. Shut your eyes.

This is a little present to say well done

on us finding our sport.

Open 'em up. (LAUGHS)

I got you a gun.

So, now, on the weekend, shoot the shit out of clay.

Have we really got guns? The bloke sorted me out a deal.

The geezer at the shooting place? Yeah.

He had two knocking about. What do you mean?

My uncle had some, but his stopped there.

My uncle got robbed by someone with one of them.

Let's put them away until we need them.

But yeah. So, what happens, then?

If I have a break-in, I phone you and say to the burglar,

"Wait there cos in 45 minutes to an hour

you're gonna be really sorry you've turned up."

I'd break the speed limit if you had a burglar, so a half hour.

One of the nicest things you've ever said.

That's the key to my guns. Why are you saying it like that?

Cos I've never had a key to guns.

This key is to my gun cabinet. (LAUGHS)

Front door, back door, gun cabinet. Welcome.

Yeah, that ruined it at the end. Yeah.

More good news. We're signed up for the British qualifiers for shooting.

Yeah, I'm not going to that.

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