Original subtitles

'The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.'

'The Tokyo Olympic Games are just around the corner,

so Romesh and I are on a very special -mission.'Ready? -Yeah.

'To see if we have what it takes to join the ranks of Team GB.

We're fed up of being useless at everything,

so we've recruited some of our nation's finest athletes

to help us out.'

(GUNSHOT) Oh, my God!

'With 339 Olympic events to choose from...'

(ALL LAUGH) Aghh!

'..we'll see the good...' He's found his event.

'..the bad...' (LAUGHS) Whoo!

'..and the downright ugly...' Oh, no!

'..as we try to discover

a sport in which we could represent Team GB.'

-BOTH: Yes! -Come on! -You hit it! -Yes, Romesh!

-I love the Olympics. -What is your favourite event to watch?

I love it when there's a fat bloke who can't swim going slow

or they just get some nutter to do an event they've never done before.

You remember Eric the Eel? Couldn't swim.

And that big, fat geezer. Sorry, the...

What's the word without getting -cancelled? -Er... The heavier guy.

Yeah. The thicker-set guy.

Yeah, the well-built guy doing the 100 metres.

I love the 100 metres. Like, growing up...

That is the best one...that was a family get round the telly

-and watch this.Linford. -Yeah. Linford Christie dominating.

That was my earliest memory, I think, of the Olympics,

was Linford Christie winning the 100 metres.

I remember growing up and there were certain events you had to watch,

you got excited. All the key running ones everyone was buzzing about.

And then the other thing about it was,

just for that short period of time,

getting heavily invested in a sport outside of the Olympics

you wouldn't give a shiny shit -about. -Yep. 100 percent.

And you start to know all... You watch it for an hour

and you're an expert on the jumping -technique of the triple jump. -Yeah.

"He's really crisp, that one." Do you know the other thing you do?

You watch it and you go, "Do you know what?

I'm actually gonna start following this sport, outside of this."Yeah.

"Cos it is actually..." When you get into it here,

you think, "This is really great." You start making a note of names.

Crystal Palace, they've got a whole athletics stadium!

We should go and watch the regional tournaments.

Rob and Romesh versus the Dagenham regionals.(LAUGHS)

The challenge is to find -our Olympic sport. -Yeah.

Because loads of these sports we haven't had a go at.

So it's possible we've got, inside us,

just sitting away in there... A kernel.

..some sort of natural, latent... Like a kernel.

-Is latent the right word? -No, -kernel. -OK. ..kernel of ability

that means that we could be about -to find our Olympic sports. -Yeah!

'But before we got too carried away,

we'd have to come up with some sort of a master plan.'

Come on, Rom, you're gonna love it.

I've set it up. Wow.

'So we headed off to my man cave.'

-Beer? -It's very nice, Bobby. Er, yes, please.

'We desperately needed to find something

that we might not be terrible at.'

I'm sick of being rubbish. Me, too.

Normally, we get given something to do.

But now we are in control -of our destiny. -Exactly!

'With 33 sports and 339 events on offer, maybe we'll strike gold.'

We've got all of these events. Yeah.

A lot of them probably only three or four people bother to have a go at.

To be honest... There must be one here that we're gonna excel at.

-There must be. -A couple of them I don't even know how to spell.

Some of them stand out for me -in a sense of absolutely not. -OK.

-Anything that's running. -I'm amazed you've even put athletics events up.

I cannot believe 100 metres -is up there. -Yeah.

We've met Usain Bolt. Yeah, I know, but he's retired.

So you thought you've got an opening?

It's easier now than it was in 2012, innit?(LAUGHS)

It feels quite exciting. It feels like we're planning a heist.

Right, shall we do this? Do it, yeah.

'Rob carefully divided the whiteboard into categories.'

OK, so no.'Not realising that his pen didn't really show up.'

Right, yes, no, maybe.

Let's get rid of the nos -first of all. -Right, nos.

All the metres? Yeah, get rid of all them.

There's a few metres here. Hurdles. 400 metres hurdles.

Hurdles. Relay. That's four times... -There's only two of us. -Yeah.

The other two people would have to be superhuman... Yeah.

..to bring up the average. Ooh, pentathlon. What is that?

Five events, none of which we've got any interest in. No.

Can I just say this? Pole vault, I don't think we've got it in us.

I dunno. We've never tried. Rob...

I wonder how people find out they're good at that.

That's what I'm saying! But I don't wanna do it.

What do you practise with, a snooker cue and a ditch?

OK. Put it in maybe.

-Maybe. Because we don't know. -But that is if we're really desperate.

Google "fat Olympian". OK.

See what we get. Cos there must be one.

It's weird, it's come up with you and me.

Hammer throw, discus throw, shot put and javelin.

I'm gonna put it out there, they're going straight into yes.

I think so. Straight in.

If we can't do that, what can we do?

Road cycling, mountain biking. No. Get rid. Get rid.

Baseball, softball. No.

It's just hitting. But then you have to run.

Golf. Nah.

-No. -Ooh! Steeplechase. I don't even know what that is.

Isn't that like the Grand National but with people?

I'll stick it in maybe while you Google it. Google that.

-Steeplechase? -Yeah. It's an obstacle race in athletics

which derives... No, sorry, that's enough. Athletics.

Right, shooting.

Now, listen, I think we could be on -to something with shooting. -OK, yes.

That's just a gun, innit? You don't have to move for that.

-That's good for us.Yeah. -Gymnastics. The ribbon could be a goer.

Weightlifting.100 percent yes. It's worth a go, innit?

Like, they have to eat so much.

Basketball, we know -that's a big maybe.What? -What?

(BOTH LAUGH) Stick that in no.

Canoe slalom. It sounds like a laugh, doesn't it?

It's just all that, innit? -And it's all normally downhill. -Yeah.

You don't have to... It's more -steering rather than power. -Yeah.

There are certain events in the Olympics that's impressive.

Like all the running stuff. You keep saying stuff like,

"Pole vault's pole vault, innit?" There's two levels.

It's like in comedy. You get the comedians and then musical comedians.

Some are funny, some have respect, and then you have musical comedians.

(LAUGHS) It's just how it is. And that's the same with this.

It's like... It's not really a sport, is it, canoeing?

No. None of them are. We're going for the ones that aren't sports.

Exactly! Canoe, I'm gonna say yeah. -The boat's doing the work. -Sure.

-Hockey. -Yeah, that's something we might... It's worth a go, innit?

-Yeah. -If we like it, we like it. If we don't, we don't.(SIGHS)

'Basically, there was a lot we didn't like.'

That no column's looking very busy, isn't it?

Well, it would look that busy for Usain Bolt, wouldn't it?

You're absolutely right. There'd be -more of them. -If anything,

we're better than him at athletics. -Absolutely right. -There it is.

-Our future. -I think we might be joining the Olympics.

Drink it in. Job well done.

'So we're targeting success in at least one of nine Olympic events.

First on our list was the canoe slalom,

an event I was very optimistic about.'

We thought we could just, you know, scoot about a bit

in a canoe and become Olympians.

'So we nipped off to Team GB's canoe HQ... in Lea Valley.'

'Giving us a hand were former European Champion Kimberley Woods

and Britain's most successful female canoeist Mallory Franklin.

The aim is to slalom down this 300-metre white-water course.'

Oh, here they come.

'But when we got here...' Oh, God.

'..I realised what Rob had got us into.'

I honestly don't know what we were thinking in your garage.

How was this even on the board in the first place,

let alone in the yes column? Why did we think we'd be able to do this?

I didn't realise it was so fast as this.

Yeah, well, I guess the clue's in the name rapids.

Oh, my God, she's gone under! And she came straight back out again

and literally shook her head like a Labrador.

(LAUGHS) Like a dog out of a river!

See, that, for me, I thought that was a danger zone.

She's deliberately gone into that area.

But isn't the boat -doing most of the work? -No!

I can't believe you're still clinging onto that.

I'm thinking back to us in the garage. "It's just a boat, innit?"

-It is not the boat. -Right, take the boat and the oar away,

what are they? Bobbing. They're bobbing about.

If it was, like, Rom and Rob versus Olympic sports

they absolutely should never, ever have a go at

in a million fucking years, then this would be absolutely up there.

This would be in the yes column. For some reason,

I cannot understand why,

we put this in the yes column of things to have a go at.

Why did we think we could do this?

(BOTH LAUGH) What were we thinking?

'Even if we didn't drown,

the icy water would freeze us to death.'

By the way, -I checked the temperature. -Yeah?

It's minus-3. Is that what's putting you off?

Cos no-one likes playing football when it's freezing.

And this rope's got frost on. I have never in my life

seen a rope with frost on.(LAUGHS) If you saw a rope with frost on,

you'd cancel the tug of war, never mind canoeing.

I didn't know ropes could frost. It looks dangerous.

Never mind the temperature.

OK, let me just tell you something now.

-I'm out. -I can't do this on my own. I don't give a shit what you do.

-Is there a cafe? -Yeah. I'll watch you from there.

'With Romesh wimping out at the very first sport on our list...'

-Hello. -Hiya. Hello.

'..my only hope was that Kimberley and Mallory

could help convince him to stick around.'

To try and build Romesh's confidence up,

what is it you need to be a top-level kayaker or canoeist?

Well, I think just a want to have fun.

Yeah! Well, that's him out. (BOTH LAUGH)

I can't think of the last time I wanted to do that.

A want to have fun. All right, let's forget about that.

We both started when we were -really young. -OK, that's gone.

-He's 47. -That's gone. All my best days are behind me

and I'm just waiting to die now. But go on.

But, yeah, to be at the top level, we do a lot of upper-body work

and just trying to get strong. -He's got big shoulders. -And core.

-Core did you say? -What's key? Core -and upper body? -Yeah, basically.

-OK. -What if you've just got upper body but you've not felt your core

-for 15 years? -That's all right, as long as you've got an upper body.

What was happening 15 years ago with your core?

-I did a sit-up. -OK. (ALL LAUGH)

Don't worry about being polite, but just sort of looking at us,

how likely do you think it is that we're gonna be any good at this?

You might get used to it, but you might be a bit shaky to start with.

Your body will get used to it and you'll warm up quick.

We're getting in the water? No, we're gonna be in the canoe or kayak.

We're not getting in the water, are -we? -Well, you're gonna have to be

doing some safety briefing stuff,

so you'll have to jump in the water so we know you can swim.

So then if we pass that, we get in the boat soaking wet and go down it?

Yep. Great.

Do people ever go into shock at the temperature of the water?

They look like you look now. You have to breathe.

You have to breathe? Take a deep breath,

-don't... go into shock. -Don't go -into shock? -Don't go into shock.

You need to go into mindfulness and -breathing. I'm calm now. -That helps.

Yeah. Comparatively speaking. This is gonna be fun to watch.

I don't wanna do this. (LAUGHS)

'Suited up, we were now ready to hit those rapids.

And if we didn't drown in the icy water,

we'd be allowed to find out if canoeing was our sport.'

Right, shall we do this? Do it, yeah.

'Rob and I were on a mission to find a sport in which

we could represent Team GB.'

It's just all that, innit? And it's all normally downhill.

'We'd picked a shortlist, starting with the canoe slalom.'

Why did we think we could do this?

'Before we could get into the boats...'Don't go into shock.

Don't go into shock? '..we had to take a dip in the sub-zero rapids

to see if we could pass the cold water swim test.'

Go, Romesh! I can't do this.

One big leap of faith. Come on!

(LAUGHS)

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS)

OK, swim towards me. Yes, Romesh!

Keep swimming! Yes!

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS)

Well done. Oh, my God!(LAUGHS)

(PANTS AND WHIMPERS)

(LAUGHS) Are you all right? Are you OK? Are you OK?

Hang on, let me get you out of the way from the steps. Give me your arm.

(LAUGHS)

I was sort of thinking how sweet it would be

to have the swim test done and then be able to watch Rob do it.

That was kind of my strategy. Get straight in,

get it done, and then enjoy Rob Beckett doing the swim test.

Right, little thing. Just a little thing I wanna say.

(LAUGHS) I've heard a lot of people talking about

how it's all right after a few seconds. Complete bullshit.

It is horrible the whole way.

You don't get used to it. If anything, it gets worse.

So I just wanna be absolutely crystal clear,

cos everybody here has been lying to you.

You're such a bastard for going first! We didn't even discuss it.

You just ran off and got to do it -first. -It is so cold.

-You will warm up now. -Did he pass -the test? -Yes, he passed the test.

It's your turn now. -Right, OK. -Good luck, mate.

Good luck, Rob!

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) That's it, go on your back.

I got in there and I had what I could only describe as a full panic attack.

(SCREAMS)

Aghh! Aghh!

Rob's jaws...

Do you know in Aliens when one of them is about to attack

and the jaws come out? That's what he looks like.

It's like his mandibles are detaching from his head. Incredible.

Aghh! Aghh! Aghh!

(LAUGHS)

(SCREAMS)

I'm not doing that!

I respect Rob. I think he's one of the best comedians in the country.

I don't think he will write a tour

as funny as him slipping into the water in his career.

Aghh! Aghh!

Breathe.

You passed, though. -You passed, yeah. -You did great.

'Well, we'd shown them we could scream, but could we paddle?'

Oi, slow down, will you? Look at him! Come on!

'Before we were let loose on the rapids...'

Oh, fucking hell, Rob!

'..we had to learn how to steer our boats on still water.'

Try and stay in this area here. Yeah, don't go that way.

Don't go that way? The white water's that way.

You're not ready for that bit yet. -He's gone! -Keep paddling.

Oh, God! (LAUGHS)

He's gone! (LAUGHS)

Try and paddle out towards the wall up there.

I'm not gonna make it. I'll go and get him.

It's like a vortex or something. I'll get you.

Oh, no, it's got me!

You'll have to save yourself, mate. Rob!

I tell you what, it is lively in that corner.

Rob! (LAUGHS)

Where's he gone? This is supposed to be the safe bit.

It's dangerous that way and it's dangerous that way.

Stop shouting at our coaches. Oh, my God.

How do you like it? Fun, innit? Banter. Banter.

-That's it, you little prick. -Guys, you're going into the danger zone!

We're going... Rob! We're going in the danger zone!

Agh!

Agh, this current's a bastard!

'Despite showing zero aptitude for still-water canoeing...'

All right, guys, you're gonna go down the rapids.

'..it came as a complete shock that we got the OK

to attempt our first white-water run.'

Any advice for this? Er, stay upright, keep paddling.

Just keep paddling and lean forwards

and try and keep pointing forwards -down the course. -And lean forwards?

-Yeah. -I don't know if I've heard the instructions properly.

(LAUGHS) They're very simple. Keep paddling, point forwards.

This feels like a lot of instructions

you should've delivered to us a long -time ago. -Keep paddling downstream.

We were told, "Kimberley and Mallory are gonna instruct you

on how to do canoeing today." And I think Kimberley and Mallory

were told, "Do you fancy watching two twats go down the rapids?"

Because they did not give us any information at all that was useful

for going down those. Let's go.

-All right. -Just keep paddling. I'll follow you down.

Keep paddling, keep paddling, -keep paddling! -Fucking hell!

Left, right, that's it. Jesus! Oh, God!

That's it, keep paddling!

Fuck! Fucking hell!

Fuck! Oh, God! No! No!

This shouldn't happen, should it? Paddle forwards one side,

back the other. Oh, God, no!

Nice!

This is not gonna go well. Oh, fuck!

Agh! That's it, keep paddling.

Aghh! Shit!

Oh, easy!

-Where is he? -Yes! He's made it to the end.

Yes, Rom! (LAUGHS) Yeah!

Whoo! Yes, Romesh!

Romesh, come over here. Paddle towards me.

Romesh! Romesh!

We should not have done that.

(LAUGHS)

Well, well done for getting from start to finish.

-Oh, thank you. -Without falling in. -Yeah! -That is a good achievement.

You should give yourself a pat on the back for that.

I would do if I had the mobility. Oh, I hate this.(BOTH LAUGH)

You're gonna love it even more now because we're gonna do some gates.

What does that mean? Well, this is what we do.

-What do you think it means? -What? What do you think gates means?

I just wanna double-check what they mean by gates.

I'm gonna hazard a guess it means going through little gateways.

Yeah, so there'll be poles hanging -down from lines above you. -OK.

So that's good to know. What I thought was,

with the way these girls have left us so under-prepared,

it might be gates you have to unlock and get through.(ALL LAUGH)

You just don't know with these two. -Are we up for the challenge? -Yes.

-Cool.Good. -Let's do it. I'll be honest with you,

I couldn't be less up for this.

'If Romesh wanted to go home, he was out of luck.'Oh, God.

'We were about to race each other...' Go, go, go, go!

'..on 300 metres of raging white water.

It was every man for himself.'

Romesh! Rom...

Romesh! Oh, it's going!

Romesh! No, Rob!

Oh, no, he's in, he's in!

You prick! (LAUGHS)

You prick!

Agh!

Oh, God.

You all right?

I'd say you were sabotaged there. Where is that prick?

Come on, you're going down the gates!

That's it! Agh!

That's all right! You got that one!

Beckett! Oi!

I'm going for it! Go! Nice!

Oh, my God, I'm absolutely fucked.

Here, do you want us to pull you in? Yeah.

Oh, my God. -Do you need a hand? -Oh.

No! Romesh! No!

-Oh, shit! -Oh, no! Oh, shit!

Agh!

Get the boat! Get the boat, mate!

Get the fuck away from me.

Fuck! No! Agh!

'Our first attempt to become Olympians had not gone well.

But that wasn't our coach's fault. It was Rob Beckett's.'

I only pushed you in cos you pushed me in. I did nothing wrong there.

What are you talking about? How... What are you talking about?

I did nothing wrong! Mate, you sabotaged me on that.

-How? -Girls... That wasn't. You didn't get out of my way.

How could I? Mate, it's my second time on the rapids in my life.

Rom, how could I...You're a piece of -shit. -What else could I have done?

Yeah, sure, could I have gone to the side or, you know, slowed? Yes.

Did I put the paddle in and increase speed? Yes.

Why? Cos I did want him to go in.

But I would say he set himself up for it.

There was a lot for you to sort of digest there.

What do you think about me and Romesh as potential kayakers?

I think you've got potential. -Everyone's got potential. -OK.

I used to be a teacher, and when a kid was shit,

I'd say "Everyone's got potential."

We shouldn't have come here today.

And I know that, Rob knows that, you all know that,

Kimberley and Mallory knew that as soon as we turned up to say hello.

No, the truth is, it was, actually, all messing around aside,

it was fun. It's just it's far too cold for it to be acceptable.

-That's the truth of it. -Look, the truth is it's a fun hobby for us,

but we have not got any of the skill set to get to your level,

let's be honest. Is that right? Yeah.

-Yeah. -And we are absolutely in awe of what you guys do.

We thought it was difficult at the -beginning. -This is the beginners.

What you was doing over there is outrageous.

It was misplaced confidence when I said the boat does most of the work.

Cos the person does. Let's focus on the athlete. What are we? Fat blokes.

What should we do? Fat bloke sports.

'Rom and I are finding out if we have what it takes

to join Team GB.' Oh, this current's a bastard!

'Canoeing had been a disaster.' Rob, no!

'So it was back to the shortlist and next up was weightlifting.'

Big lift here. (CHEERING)

'For that, we'd have to venture into a place

we'd spent our whole lives avoiding. The gym.'

Oh, no. Oh, God.

It's like prison.

I don't like it in here. I hate it in here.

We're wandering in with our little soft bellies.

They've got bellies but they're power bellies

-Rob, where you going? -Well, we can't just linger at the door.

I don't like it in there. It's all very alpha. It's a gym.

It stinks of testosterone and divorce. They all look like

they've had a fight outside a pub and we're their next victims.

I'm at the top. What happens now?

I've just pressed go. Ooh. Hello.

-Oh, do you have to keep going? -No, just take one step and then relax.

It all starts with one step. Cool. I feel better. What do we do now?

-Ohhh. -Is there another machine to have a go on?

I don't like gyms, Romesh. I think this was a bad idea.

It's like I've come to the place

where all the people that really bullied me at school thrive.

Oh, come on, guys. I'm riffing here.

That's exactly the sort of shit I hate.

You know the dropping the metal?

This is like the mothership of the bigger boys.

All the big, strong, bully boys.

I'm surprised they've not come over already to tell us to get out.

That's the thing. If you've got no banter,

you just lift a weight really heavy then drop it.(LAUGHS)

Right, shall we go give it a go? Yeah, mate.

-After you. -Push! Up! Up. Push. Lift.

They'll watch this and beat -the shit out of us. -I won't be here.

'Our coaches weren't bully boys, they were Sarah Davies,

Commonwealth Games silver medallist

and the first Brit to win the European Under-23 Championships,

and Emily Campbell, Commonwealth Games bronze medallist

and former British Champion.

They're both in form and hoping to bring home a medal from Tokyo.'

-Hello.Hi!Hi. -Hiya. We're a bit nervous.

-Are you? -Yeah. You should be. (LAUGHS)

We're not very good physically. That's all right.

Mentally we struggle, as well, -to be fair. -We'll take care of you.

So good stretch, good warm-up, then we get down to business.

-OK.OK. -So we'll start off, it's called cat camel.

So you're gonna arch your back -like a cat.OK, cat camel. -Yeah.

Feels more like prison submission. And then push into a camel,

so push your bum up into the air. That's like presenting.

-Yeah. -You gotta be spayed before you do this.

Hey, that's quite good, Rob. If I let you do this,

will you look after me in prison?

(LAUGHS) -I'm on my own! -And then you're gonna snap your hips through.

Feel that butt tight. -Oh, wow! -Huh? Was that good?

-Yep. -There you go! (ALL CHEER)

(LAUGHS) You've got a real pigeon energy. (ALL LAUGH)

Cat. Pigeon!

(ALL LAUGH)

'We'd played at being animals, but Sarah was the true beast.'

That is...

That was unbelievable. (LAUGHS) Thanks.

Can I...Pick it up. -Can I do that? -Go on, then.

Yeah, I'll do it. No problem.

-Oh, fuck that. -Really? (ALL LAUGH)

Go on, Rob. (LAUGHS)

Are you... (LAUGHS)

Fuck off! (LAUGHS)

Will I hurt your feelings if I tell you that's a warm-up weight?

It's a warm-up weight? Yeah.

(BOTH GROAN)

(LAUGHS) That is the best thing!

(ALL LAUGH) You are amazing!

-That's unbelievable. -OK, so we're not starting with that weight.

-No. -Are we starting with nothing? You're starting with the baby bar.

-Cool. -OK, you could've left out the name, couldn't you?

It's a kid's technique bar. Is that what it is?

I've actually brought it in myself. I use that as a toothpick.(LAUGHS)

'It was time to get to work on the kid's bar.'

Strap in the banter. You look like a tornado.

So pop your bar down... You go from so wide to thin!

I just can't believe how small your waist is.

You've got the waist of a sort of, like, period drama woman.

I'm wearing a corset.(LAUGHS) -All right? -Basically.

I've got about five to six kilos of constrained muffin under here.

-All right.OK. -Get your elbows -through and then squat down. -Eeee!

-That's it. -Good. That's it. That's the stuff.

I don't like doing it facing you. No, listen...

-Does anyone do this at the gym? -Rob, maintain eye contact the whole way.

Ready? Three, two, one, go.

I didn't like it -when it got to the bottom. -No.

It was fine until my bum hole opened. (LAUGHS)

It's not going well. Even doing it with nothing on the bar,

I'm doing wrong.

It's like PTSD from PE.

Is it important that we can't really do it properly without weights on?

Erm... Is that a problem? Cos it's -gonna get harder, isn't it? -Yes.

'And it did. 10 kilograms harder.'

There we go. Stick that on. (LAUGHS)

'The weight of a car tyre.'

So, start position. -Yeah.

-Pigeon. -Yeah, there we go. And then you're gonna go...

(LAUGHS) Yep. Pigeon, camel, hospital.

Yes. That order. -All right. -OK.

My problem is, if I'm not instantly good at something, I give it nothing.

Yeah. But you carried on with comedy, though.

(ALL LAUGH)

'Rob couldn't even lift his own morale.'Tornado body's in town.

'So it was down to me to start the iron pumping.'

Tornado! (GROWLS) (ALL LAUGH)

♪ Gladiators

Tornado, are you ready?

♪ Time for the Tornado He's not sure on the technique

♪ He's probably gonna hurt himself Tornado ♪

(LAUGHS)

So we do this. -Yep. -Do that.

Put it up.

-Nice! -Good! There you go!

Shit! It's the face that goes with it.

How was that? Good. Good job.

A little whirlwind up in your face. All right, I can't do that.

'The Tornado had triumphed, but was Rob a contender?'

I hate it.

I feel like it's gonna fall on me and the only end goal is more weight,

which, for me, is worse. It's so funny

because at the beginning of this, we were like, "This is difficult.

We're outside our comfort zone and we're gonna give it a go."

Cut to 20 minutes of doing this,

"I hate this! I hate everything about it!

Fair play to you." Toys out of the pram.

"I don't wanna do it. There's things I'm good at

and this is not one of them. All right? Thank you very much."

(LAUGHS)

It was all I could do not to celebrate.

Right, where do we go from here? I dunno. What is the next stage?

-Heavier? -More weight. -More weight. -Yeah.

Then you think, "Do you know what? I wasn't intending on adding weight,

but if means that he has to go through it, as well,

I think it might be worth risking a spinal injury."

Are these actually the next level ones or is this just banter?

No, they're actually... It's weight, isn't it?

It was essentially like they'd drilled a hole into a digestive

and stuck it on the end. It was truly, truly pathetic.

'Digestives loaded, we were ready for our final attempt.'

OK, let's go.'Biscuits have never defeated me before

and I wasn't gonna let them beat me now.'

There you go. Is that good technique? Now down.

Good.'But the question was had my efforts psyched out Beckett?'

(ALL LAUGH) Happy with that.

'I'd done it.'Wow.'But I was about to crash from my endorphin high.'

I'm out. But, you know, that's the whole point of this.

We're learning. I haven't found my sport,

but I've definitely found one -that's not mine. -Yeah.

I need to apologise for thinking weightlifting might be easy.

It's one of the hardest things I've ever done.

For beginners, the fact that you've never picked up a barbell before,

-you did very well.Yeah. -I mean, -that's generous. -That's very kind,

but we were particularly shit, -weren't we? -No, I don't think so.

-Oh, OK. -I wouldn't say it's your -calling in Olympic sports. -OK.

But it was good for a whirlwind tour, tornado tour.

Yeah. Yeah. Tornado tour of weightlifting.

At least the nickname sticks. Put your legs together.

The human tornado. OK, well, see you later.

Yeah. Off he goes. He's tornadoing out of here.

'Rob and I are aiming at Olympic glory with Team GB.' Come on!

'So far, we've been out of our depth at canoe slalom...'

No, Rob! (LAUGHS)

'..and proved to be total wimps at weightlifting.

So today, we're gonna try our luck on the hockey field.'

I don't wanna be negative, but we're not doing very well.

No, we're not. We're doing terribly, actually.

But today could be our day.

We're specialising within hockey. Goalkeeping.

Don't let the ball go in the net. -That's the main vibe. -Yeah.

Have you ever played in goal in football?

Yeah, course I did. Look at me.

You've got good wingspan. Terrible reactions.

-Just leave your arms out. -What, just stand there with the arms out

-the whole time? -Yeah, -like a scarecrow. -Not a bad idea.

You don't have to get your arm there. That's not a bad idea.

I'm a bit of a greedy footballer. -Yeah, I can imagine that. -Yeah.

Little goal-hanging hogger. Yeah, little goal hog.

You little goal pig, you. (SNORTS)

Snuffling out the old net. (LAUGHS) Absolute goal pig.

'We were headed for the National Sports Centre

in Bisham Abbey, Berkshire, hockey HQ.

Team GB's women reached the final at Rio in 2016,

where they took the Netherlands to a dramatic penalty shoot-out...'

Hollie Webb. Scores!

'..winning Olympic gold.'

The Olympic champions for the first time ever, Great Britain.

'We were honoured to be training with these sporting legends.

But as we arrived at the ground...' Thank you.

'..our enthusiasm took a 100mph hit.'

(GASPS) Ooh.

I'm gonna tell you something now, I'm out.

What I would say, Rom, we're quite chunky lads,

we will fill the goal. We could be quite effective.

What you're essentially saying is the ball is more likely to hit us.

I don't know if you can hear any of the noises.

You know those sounds like thunder?

-Yeah. -That's the ball making contact with stuff.

(GASPS) It is so loud.

I can't imagine Romesh being good at this.

You know, he may surprise me, but I wouldn't look at Romesh and go,

"I bet he's got reflexes." The speed of a mongoose?

"I tell you who's quick." "Who?" "Romesh."

I was put in goal, actually, at school

when I was about eight or nine and the teacher told me that

it's probably best for my own safety to not do that any more.

Ohh!

'Keeping us alive were Team GB shot-stoppers Amy Tennant,

a member of England's 2018 World Cup squad

and a Commonwealth bronze winner,

and Maddie Hinch, who saved four penalties in the Rio final

and won Olympic gold.'

What makes a good goalkeeper? Brave.

-Brave.OK. -OK, we're out. -Athletic. -We're out.

And really good eyes. OK.

Really good eyes? (LAUGHS) I really could not be worse suited to this.

OK, shall we get dressed? Yeah, let's get some gear on.

I'm gonna be checking the gear, make sure we're fully padded,

gonna be checking the padding. Here we go.

I'd like to tell you that I'm gonna do it in a mature way,

but I'm probably just gonna hit Rob in the dick with a hockey stick.

This feels a bit like a sort of low-budget Gladiators.

No! No, I wouldn't do that.

Just give it a little tap. You can jab it first.

(GASPS) Rom! You moved out the way!

This is new! I'm not confident in it yet! Gently.

Oh! Enough. No, I don't wanna do that any more.(LAUGHS)

Damn, he thick! You thick, boy!

That's a thick-ass boy!

(BOTH LAUGH) Look at that!

He looks like an alcoholic Disney character getting ready for work.

'After about half an hour... we'd got our kit on.'Yes.

Shall we go and hit some hockey balls?'We look like

we're about to defuse a bomb. Ironically, that might have been

safer than being shot at by Maddie.'

First off, it's quick fire, OK? So they'll all come at your head.

-OK, sorry, sorry. -Quick fire. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ready? OK.

Fucking hell! Fucking hell! (LAUGHS)

Ooh! (LAUGHS)

'To make sure we were comprehensively injured,

our world-class coaches decided to automate the violence

with a shooting machine.' I actually feel quite scared.

Ooh!

Fricking Nora!

It's just one of those days for you. You saved it. Good on ya.

Go.

Ooh!

(LAUGHS)

Ooh!

(LAUGHS)

-Ohh! -We're just having a fun laugh. Yeah.

You kept it out. I didn't, mate, it went right in.

-Did it hurt? -Official announcement. That's gonna bruise.

'I'd survived, even if my future sex life hadn't.

But Rob had a death wish.' -Let's do this. -Come on, Beckles.

Do you ever wish you were better at hockey so you could play outfield?

Are you trying to make me angry? (LAUGHS)

Rob pissed off Maddie. He said,

"Are you a goalie cos you're not good enough to be an outfielder?"

And some of the other girls sort of booed like it was...

It's like a really shit 8 Mile. And then Maddie got aggravated

and I saw her just flick the speed up on the machine.

I could've warned Rob, but why would -you? -I was only joking, Maddie.

Go.

(LAUGHS)

No, come on! This is bullying!

Five hockey balls moving faster

than I've ever seen anything move, headed towards Rob's face.

And I've gotta tell you, I enjoyed every second.

That's not real. That's not a real drill.(LAUGHS)

'It was my final face-off with the machine from hell

and I was determined to dodge the ball at all costs.'

Go!

(LAUGHS)

Why is everything going in his face?

'Let's face it, using a machine to fire 70mph balls

at a bloke with a lazy eye was never gonna end well.

But I didn't think it would end quite like this.'

(LAUGHS) I tell you what, though, Rom, you kept it out!

I've been smashed in the dick once and in the face twice.

But what I would say is, actually...

..it was quite good for that to happen,

because I've discovered that this equipment is incredible.

Oh, yes! Yes!

You cannot be hurt in this stuff.

It is unbelievable. It feels incredible.

OK.

Yes!

You are good at this, Rom. Here he goes.

You sort of lose the fear. You're just like, "Yes. More."

OK.

Yes! Yes!

(ALL CHEER)

Whoo! Yes, Romesh!

I might start going into a pub and shit-talking someone.

What you gonna do, kick me in the dick?

Doesn't matter, mate. My dick's bulletproof.

'With training complete, it was time to get serious,

a five-a-side game with us in goal.

Romesh had pulled it off in practice,

but could he do it on a cold morning in Berkshire? It was game time.'

Let's go, Team Red! Let's go, Reds!

Here we go.

Oh, lovely ball! Keep going!

That's it! Attack him!

Ohh!

Oh-ho! Right in the chest!

Get on your line, Romesh!

Oh, no! They're coming at me!

Aghh! I turned. I turned.

'I'd saved the ball, but could I get up again?'

Yes! Yes! Come on! Don't turn your back, remember, Rob.

-Murder him! -Hands up. Come on!

-Ooh! -Yes! Oh, shit.

Whoo! 'Rob was rubbish, and in true Beckett style,

he started blaming everyone but himself.'

I can't take the whole team on my own, yeah? Sure it up in the middle!

(WHISTLE BLOWS) 'It was half-time

and my troops needed the hairdryer treatment.'

All I'm saying is you can't leave me that exposed at the back.

If we just play as a team and just work it from the back forwards.

I can only save us so many times.

True, I've not touched the ball yet.

It's always good to just hit it at Rob.

Go for the teeth, use them as a sighting target.

On three. One, two, three, go, Reds!

OK, I should've been clearer on what the chant was. OK.

(WHISTLE BLOWS) Here we go.

Oh, no! Yes!

Right in his face! What's that? That's not allowed!

Hands up. Yeah!

-Ohh. -Right, hang on, you can't do keepy-ups!

Oh, yes!

That's how we do! That's how we do!

Let me get up. Let me get up.

Blues, this is getting a bit embarrassing. Put one past him.

What kind of amateurs have you given me here?

Oh, my God! (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) He's an animal!

Five shots today. That's it, that's it, that's it.

Right down his throat! Yes!

Yeah! Come on!

-Every single shot's gone in. -Come on, Reds! That's... how... we... do!

Sorry, everyone. Look at him apologising. Prick.

'The final whistle was approaching.

Rob still hadn't made a save.

And as his team conceded a penalty corner...'(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Penalty?'..he had one last tiny shot at redemption.'

I'm in your head rent-free. You've got no chance.

Standing there with your two mates, pretending who's gonna take it.

It don't matter who takes it. I've got it covered.

You're going down. This is gonna be on YouTube forever. Enjoy!

'Yes, Rob, on YouTube forever.' Oh, God.

Not how I envisioned it. (WHISTLE BLOWS)

Come on!

♪ Homie, it can't be done

Absolutely clinical, wasn't it? Come on! Yes!

What made my performance even better, even sweeter,

was that Rob was utterly crap. And I know I have a go at him

for celebrating when he's good at something and I'm not,

but now I understand why he behaves like that. I totally get that.

See you later, losers!

If anything, I think he should've given it to me more

on the times he's been better than me. Whoo!

It's genuinely the best thing I've ever seen Romesh do,

including comedy.

'That said, I had my doubts about Captain Clean Sheet.'

He needs to be drug tested. What?

Anabolic steroids. How did you do that?

Mate, what can I say? When you've got it...

I will say I think I got left a bit vulnerable at the back.

But I did what I could. Are you blaming your team?

-Yes. -You're not supposed to do that, -are you?No. -Do you know what?

-It was my fault. -Good. Now I've have a think about it,

I reckon it was my fault. What I will say, though, is,

humiliation aside, that is fun, innit?

I really enjoyed that. That was properly fun.

-Thanks very much. -Yeah, thank you so much. You guys are great.

Thanks for coming. Thank you very much.

You took one right to the dick. -Yeah. -How is that feeling?

I would say that now, if I sent Lisa the aubergine emoji,

it would actually match the colour of my penis.

OK. Little green bit on the end? -Yeah. -That must've bruised.

-Good game. -Yes. Loving hockey life.

I think we've found your sport. But there may be something else.

What if we find something else -we're better at? -Double Olympian.

'Next time...' Pull.

(GUNSHOT) Yes! Come on!

'..our sporting adventure continues...'Aghhh!

'..as the Olympic gods smile down on us...'I mean, he's good.

'..and we carry on our search for sports we can call our own.'

Agh! Ohhh. (SNIGGERS)

♪ All I do is win, win, win, no matter what

♪ Got money on my mind, I can never get enough

♪ And every time I step up in the building

♪ Everybody hands go up

♪ And they stay there And they say yeah

♪ And they stay there Up, down, up, down, up, down

♪ Cos all I do is win, win, win

♪ And if you going in, put your hands in the air

♪ Make 'em stay there ♪

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