Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

'Rom and I are back.'

HONKS HORN Yes!

Jesus.

'Bigger...'

I'm, like, really struggling to focus.

'..Better...'

'..And more tested than ever.'

LAUGHS

'Together...' I am your number one caddy.

'..We're on a journey of discovery.' I should not have done this.

LAUGHS

'To find out what we like...' I feel great.

Is this sexy?

'..And what we don't.'

I'm going off golf. Just talk less.

LAUGHS Oh, my...

Yes!

'This week, it's golf.'

'It's Rob's new hobby and my new nightmare.'

I like it.

'We'll meet top professionals...'

Oh. I think that's better than yours, innit?

'..And learn how to play.' What am I gonna do?

'Before we each get to tee off

at the world-famous BMW PGA Championship.'

♪ I can swallow a bottle of...

♪ And I'll feel like Godzilla

♪ Better hit the deck Like the card dealer... ♪

Right, Romesh. This week we are doing golf.

So, over the last few months... Yeah.

..I've noticed you've...

You're transitioning into golf wanker.

-Yes. -Right? Quite a strong, fast transition.

In your Insta story... Yeah.

Classic Beckett behaviour this, right,

which is where you get into something,

and everybody that follows you has to hear about it non stop.

Every Insta story. It's even in the car.

You get in the car, do an Insta. "Clubs in the back."

"Beckett's off again."

You've become this kind of... Golf guy.

How did it happen?

While that was quite pathetic actually,

the reason I did do that

was trying to find other people I could play with.

So, what, you post stuff about going to play golf,

and then a stranger who follows you says, "Oh, I play golf as well."

And you, like a tragic little loser,

gets in the car, drives all the way to the golf course,

to play with somebody you've never met before.

Is that the plan? No.

I only let people reply that I already follow,

so it'd be my friends.

But they're not really your friends, are they?

They are blue ticks on Instagram,

who you're trying to kind of network with,

in the hope that a footballer or a boxer goes,

"Oh, Rob, I play golf as well,"

and suddenly you text me going,

"I'm just hanging out on the course with AJ," or whatever.

I mean, that is what you're trying to do.

Well, I mean, there may be an element of that.

LAUGHS

But, you know, sue me.

So. Yeah.

Tell me why you like golf.

It lasts four hours, minimum. OK? OK. So does chess.

Yeah, I know, but, basically, you can escape from your family.

Right.

You can get away from your wife and kids for four hours,

and you're doing "sport".

You're not. But you walk around for a bit,

it's lovely fresh air, and you go and get drunk after.

So, do you actually like the sport?

I mean, I like hitting balls with a big stick.

Right, OK.

That's fun. Yeah.

Basically, Romesh, what I want is you to be into golf like me,

so that we can travel round the world,

go to all these amazing golf courses and have a right laugh.

It'd be amazing to travel round the world with you.

Oh, no. That's right. We're on series three.

LAUGHS

Oh, I've just finished work for the year.

Where do you wanna go?

I tell you what, do you fancy going away somewhere, Rom?

Cos it's for a sport. For a sport!

Actually, Rob, the idea of hanging out together

is absolutely the last thing I possibly wanna do.

Well... That's a lie. That's a lie, though, isn't it?

Yeah. So your ideal, the whole point of this mission,

is you want us to start playing golf together regularly?

Yes!

'And there's no finer way

to introduce Romesh to the world of golf

than by joining the professionals at Wentworth

for the run up to the BMW PGA Championship.'

I am absolutely buzzing,

because the aim of this is to get Romesh into golf.

And how could you not want a part of this?

'Rob had not only managed to get us access

to one of golf's most prestigious events,

but he'd also arranged for a couple of pros

to put us through our paces during their practise day.'

'But what Rob had failed to mention was what we'd be doing.'

All right, lads?

LAUGHTER

We are here because Rob Beckett and I have been given the honour,

the privilege,

of caddying for Marcus Armitage and Andrew Beef Johnston.

Oh. You don't need all these clubs, do you?

LAUGHTER

Oh, dear.

Big Daddy caddy reporting for duty.

Me and Beefy, Beefy and Beckett, Beckett and Beef.

I'm the caddy.

And I'm prepared. I've got it all, mate.

Lucozade, balls, tees, energy gels.

A notebook with all the yardage.

Do you know where the wind's going? I'll find out.

That way.

Anything you need, I've got, Beef. Congratulations, Beef.

I mean...

I think you've got yourself a worldly caddy there, mate.

You've got yourself a king twat there, mate.

LAUGHTER

We're learning about the sport

by immersing ourselves in the culture.

It's the best possible experience, and I hope to God

that Rob doesn't take a massive shit on it like he normally does.

You ready? I'm ready, mate. Let's go.

OK. I'll pop that here. Yeah.

So, I imagine... What's that, first of all?

That's if you're slow, I'm gonna smack you with it.

Fair enough. I'll leave that in there.

Erm, so, driver, I imagine.

Driver. OK, right. There you go.

That's it. Just give me the club and just keep quiet.

There you go. Do you want me to pop a tee in?

I'd like a ball. Sure. Good idea.

OK. Not that pocket.

All right. OK. Which pocket?

Well, you're supposed to be my caddy.

Yeah, I know, but... OK, that is a good point.

Not that pocket. No? OK.

In there. OK. Yeah. Right. Yeah, cool. Anything I can do?

Would you like a Lucozade before you hit it?

Are caddies supposed to be this bum licky,

just out of interest? Wait.

In case it rains. And, erm, first things first.

What's that telling you, Rob?

LAUGHTER Nothing!

Er, that means...

That means the wind's going that way,

so you don't even have to hit it that hard.

Beefy, you happy with this? No, not at all, mate.

Thanks. Shocker.

Good luck.

'Now, the plan was for us to caddy for Beef and Marcus

over a full round of golf.'

'But given that Rob and Beef weren't exactly hitting it off...'

I think that was better than yours, wasn't it?

Sorry, I probably shouldn't bring -that up. -No.

Great work.

'..That was starting to look a little optimistic.'

It's a dangerous set of ingredients this,

because we're caddying, so you're not front and centre,

you're very much in the background.

The best caddies are the ones that are barely noticed.

Energy pack? Whisky?

You're doing it again. You're doing it again.

No? You're doing it again.

Rob is not good at being barely noticed.

What about a Brunch bar?

Oh, sorry.

-I mean, really? -Sorry. Really?

I was in my... Really?

And you've also got the added issue

that Rob thinks he knows everything about golf.

Tell me where this putt's going? Where am I gonna hit this one?

It's uphill, so give it a bit of welly.

Yeah.

So you've got Rob already wanting to be front and centre,

and thinking he knows everything.

It's a powder keg of twattery.

What are you eating?

The Brunch bar.

That was for me. You didn't want it.

We've got 18 holes. Yeah, he's right there.

So, he doesn't want it on the first hole,

so you assume he's not going to have it at all

for the rest of the day? You absolute twat.

'Whilst it may be true that team Beefy and Becks

still had a few teething issues...'

That was so good. Don't give me one of them.

You told me to putt it over there, mate.

Well, it didn't go in the way you did it.

'..Romesh's first trip to the golf course

had unleashed his long-hidden inner golfer.'

Do you know what I reckon? I think...

Left edge and firm on that, I think. Yeah? All right.

Let's have it. Good luck, mate.

Happy with the advice.

Yeah. He seems very happy, yeah.

Ooh.

GROANING

So close!

Unlucky mate. Yeah, lovely shot, buddy.

Look at that. It's all going well, innit?

Yeah, it's a great read, that. I'd have been happy with that.

Of course you would.

Of course you would've been happy -with that. -Yeah?

He's a professional golfer.

Of course you would've been happy with that.

Yeah, I'm just trying to look -on the positive a bit. -Jesus.

'So with one hole down and 17 left to go,

Romesh was clearly in his element.'

Now, Marcus, if you don't mind me saying,

this kind of doesn't suit you,

cos you tend to veer off to the right,

so just be mindful of that, all right?

Yeah, yeah, so I'll just try and hug that left side.

'But I was starting to think caddying might not be for me.'

Beautiful.

I'd just fuck it right down the middle.

Where's the middle? That's what I'm asking you.

Where is the middle?

I can't see the fairway. Where is the middle?

That's fine. You're winding him up now.

I would say it bends to the left.

It went bad. Really bad.

And I don't know what happened. I think I just got carried away.

All I did was shout at him what I had.

Who gives someone an energy gel on hole one?

How tired is he?

Oh, Beef. You fucked it, mate. Look.

You've had a nightmare.

As having a career as a caddy,

I'll go back to what my mum always says.

It's about working out what you can't do,

just as much as what you can do.

So at least now I can go home and go,

"Do you know what? I weren't born to be a caddy."

Yeah, they are... It is heavy. You definitely need all these clubs?

Are you not allowed a trolley to pull it on? Why not?

Cos you're not allowed.

Yeah, but I think as a caddy

I'll have more energy to focus on you,

if I didn't have to use all my energy

carrying it round like a cart horse.

I think it's great.

I think after about five or six holes

if you're completely knackered, you'll shut up.

I think my friendship with Beef has been fractured.

Erm, I don't...

I think we'll be friends off the course, not on the course.

I don't think I'm on speed dial for a round.

I'm fucked. I'm going off golf. Just talk less.

I'm going off golf. You're still talking.

See? You can't even take that advice immediately.

'Unfortunately, though, the damage was done.'

I'm not being funny, but we're playing so slow

we've got to let the group behind come through now.

Does that normally happen on the pro tour?

Well, no, not really,

cos we don't really get caddies -that talk as much as you. -OK.

'And despite having only played two holes...'

Ooh! I'll have a bit of that.

Let it roll. Let it roll. Oh, is it gonna come back?

I think you said to hit it down there.

Let it roll.

Yeah, it sort of rolled the wrong way, innit?

'..Beef and Marcus decided that was more than enough.'

Oh! Very good. I thought that were missing.

You see what happens when you've got a good caddy?

It saves you shots.

Well done, mate. Well done. Great work.

Awesome caddying. Thanks. No problem, mate.

I'm really sorry.

Look, we've held up the entire course.

Sorry.

-We've lost. -Apart from that, though, how do you think the day's gone?

Sack of shit, mate. Awful marriage.

How do you think that went?

Well, I don't know what the hell -you were doing. -Hm.

Because all the stuff you had -on you, that was great. -Yeah.

Super prepared, you know the sport.

And then you just allowed your personality

to completely undermine all of that.

I know. I don't know what got into me.

Nothing got into you. It was just you. It's Rob Beckett.

Am I like that? Is that me? Nothing got into you.

That was you being keen.

I think... I just think also as well,

ultimately caddying's not for me.

So when you're not suited...

You know, I don't ever want to be, -like, the backing singer. -No.

I do think, though, he did have a bad round.

It weren't all me, you know what I mean?

No, he had a bad round,

and a lot of the reason he was having a bad round

was because of you. Yeah.

Right, let's go. Back to the club house, yeah?

All right. Why don't we just, like, have a...

We don't have to...

Sorry. Fucking hell.

Sorry. Someone left it in...

Jesus!

Can I go? Yeah, just go. Just go.

And don't talk. We can have a quiet one.

Do you think you drive on the left? -Shut up. -Sorry.

I don't know if it's a real road. -Rob, shh, please. -Sorry.

'This week, I'm introducing Romesh to the world of golf.'

All right, lads? All right.

You don't need all these clubs, do you?

'And after rubbing shoulders with the professionals at Wentworth...'

I'd just fuck it right down the middle.

'..It was time for Romesh to step up to the tee.'

'And I knew just the place to do it.'

'The legendary St Andrews in Scotland.'

'Nestled high amongst the clifftops, St Andrews is regarded as

one of the finest golf courses in the world,

making it the perfect place for Romesh's golfing debut.'

'And to make it that extra bit special,

we'll be taking the scenic route to get there,

via a 500-mile, nine-hour road trip.'

'Meaning Rom and I can spend some quality time together.'

Ah, bonny Scotland!

Just getting ready -before we cross the border. -Mm-hm.

Here we are in bonny Scotland, eh?

Hey, wee man, do you want to go for a dram of whisky?

Can you do Scottish?

Er, not quite as racist -as you do it, but yeah. -No.

I think with all accents, you start racist

and work your way back to something acceptable.

Yeah, so you think the same way about accents as you do your act?

LAUGHTER

Oh! We've just broke five hours. Four hours 55.

So we haven't broken five hours.

No, but psychologically, we're down to four instead of...

Psychologically, I am broken. You're absolutely right.

But isn't it beautiful? What a place to be broken.

Can we just have a bit of quiet while I process this news?

Cos we're gonna spend a lot of time together this weekend as well.

Yeah. We can save a lot of this chat for the golf course, can't we?

A round does take a little while.

It'll be fun though, won't it? Bonding.

Spending time with your mate. You know, all that stuff?

Put some music on or something if you want.

Something a bit upbeat, though, cos I'm tired.

Can you shut the fuck up? Sorry.

'Finally, four uncomfortable hours later,

we arrived at a very cold St Andrews.'

We are in St Andrews to show Romesh

one of the most beautiful and iconic courses in the world.

What better place to start?

I just didn't factor in the wind.

Oh, God, it's freezing.

It's so cold! Why's it so cold?!

Rob is desperate to sell the game of golf to me,

so his whole rationale is the best way to get Rom into golf

is to take him to the most iconic places to play golf.

So we're here at St Andrews.

What I do know

is it's one of the most difficult golf courses in the world to play.

Apparently, Tiger Woods likes it cos he finds it challenging.

So why not bring a guy whose only previous golf experience

is the Weymouth crazy golf?

'However, before we're allowed to make fools of ourselves

on the golf course tomorrow,

golfing dress code

meant we had to look like a pair of idiots

while we were doing it.'

Is this the one, do you think?

Oh, wow.

You're not gonna lose me on the course, are you?

No. You'd try to, though. You look hideous.

I feel a little bit like

I look like a kids' entertainer in the '70s.

You look like a kids' entertainer, something bad happened,

not allowed to work any more.

There was a court case. Nothing was proven,

but it wasn't unproven. Yeah.

I'm caught between two camps.

I love a tracksuit, but also I get a bit excited about dressing up.

Jesus.

Do you like it? It's just the way you're standing.

I don't think your stance, your posture's helping.

What, the... There you go. There you go.

They're getting a bit harder.

Yeah, I wouldn't, sort of, slap 'em about like that.

Would you do that on the course just before you're teeing off?

Golf material is one of the most unforgiving materials

on planet Earth.

It's nice, innit? Rob, I... I...

Every single corner of your body is on display.

And what's worse, you've got to tuck it in.

Are you seeing any of the patterns on the stuff you're wearing?

Some of the hairs are coming through.

So, what do you do? Put that top on

and then shave your chest with the top on?

Well, I could, couldn't I?

'Unfortunately for Rom...' How you getting on, mate?

My nipples are harder than an algebra test,

to be honest with you.

'..I wasn't the only one

who wasn't blessed with a body for golf.'

Come on. Oh, yeah.

OK, that is... That's bold, innit?

Look at my body. My nipples are so...

Why are they so hard? LAUGHTER

I think... I think my fetish might be golf.

Cos I've also got a semi. Is that weird?

I just don't see why golf clothes have to be so...weird.

I like it.

This is what you wear for a fancy-dress party

when you're going as a golfer.

If I said to you that this is the type of polo shirt

you've got to wear.

There are about 25 things wrong with this. OK?

23 of them are the stripes.

Oh, no.

I actually think this outfit might be worse.

What would you describe this outfit as, Rom?

What racists are scared all immigrants wear.

What racists think all immigrants wear.

STIFLES LAUGHTER

Do you know what? I like the hat.

I think the trousers are the issue.

Do you think so? Yeah.

Is it? What about the trousers makes you think they're the issue?

They're a bit too jazzy, I think, for your first time.

Do you want to put them on the "maybe" pile?

I'm gonna put them on the "maybe burn" pile.

'With Romesh and I now suited and booted for St Andrews,

we were geared up and ready to hit the fairway.'

I'm buzzing for this. It's unbelievable.

It's one of the best golf courses in the world.

We're getting to play at St Andrews. I only started playing in July.

'And since I was done carrying the clubs after Wentworth,

I'd splashed out on my very own robot caddy.'

Why have you got this? What?

Why have you got this?

Quickest way round the course.

Rob has bought this, kind of, -little golf R2 -D2 thing,

that you put your golf clubs on and it just follows you around.

I don't know what the brand is,

I'm assuming it's called something like Wanker Beacon,

because that is essentially what it is.

So, this is the, erm... First tee.

That was good.

He's absol... He's happy with that. Look at that.

It's a lot of pressure, though, people watching.

Rob, this is not the way to introduce somebody to golf.

I'll be honest with you, it is a bit much.

Cos we've not done the driving range yet, have we?

Rob, I've not done golf yet.

The first time Romesh is ever gonna hit a golf ball

is gonna be on the first tee at St Andrews.

Everyone's watching.

Shall we ask if any of them are playing golf for the first time?

Erm, they won't be. No-one'd do that.

No, never gonna do that.

I'm nervous about this. All these people watching.

He's gonna be furious with me.

Good luck.

I would say the chances of this experience

making me want to become Rob's golf buddy

are slim in the extreme.

I just can't get my head round the logic of the fact that

I've never played golf before in my life.

And I'm about to play at St Andrews.

OK. Good luck.

Yes! Well done, Rom!

LAUGHS

It's his first time, ladies and gentlemen.

First tee was high pressure.

I think you did all right, though. You kept it on the fairway.

For your first-ever hit of a ball, I think you've done well.

Obviously, it was shit. It was complete shit.

But good for him.

Right, come on. Let's play golf.

Exactly the same space again, innit?

Sorry. Fore right. So that's your last one, is it?

Yeah, but I'll just drop one down the fairway now.

So what's the point? So that was a massive waste of time.

Erm, well, no, cos one day I'll get it down the middle.

How Rob plays golf is this.

You tee off,

you don't give a shiny shit where it goes,

because if it goes somewhere you don't like,

you just drop another ball where you fancy.

Yes! There you go.

See? They were all shit. We'll just drop one on the fairway.

Well, this is just all a massive waste of time, then.

Thank you.

Hurry up.

Now, what I would suggest to Rob in the future,

is rather than having to play Rob's rules,

just play golf on a course

that isn't one of the most difficult in the world.

I mean, have a...

LAUGHS

Get out!

It's like me teaching my kids to ride their bike

by putting one of them on a unicycle and then setting it on fire.

And then going, "Good luck. Go for it."

'Surprise, surprise, then, I wasn't very good.'

'But at least one thing was brightening up my day.'

LAUGHTER

Oh, no.

I think I got a bit carried away in the shop with the electric buggy.

STRAINS

I'm sure it's got its pro points,

but I don't think I've got the attention span

to sort of, you know, control it.

Come on. It's a good bit of kit that, innit?

'Electric buggies aside, I was having a great time.'

Ooh. Oh.

'But as the hours dragged on and the holes just kept on coming,

Romesh was losing what little enthusiasm he had.'

Can we go, please?

When is this gonna end? When is this gonna end?

That's all I'm thinking now.

Every time we go over a hill, there's another fucking flag.

'And eventually, six hours into our four-hour game...'

Oh, here we go. '..Rom finally snapped.'

LAUGHTER No way!

Fuck you.

Rob, I don't care, mate. I'm just getting this done now.

Go away. Go stand over there.

-Go fuck off over there, C3 -PO. Go and hang out with your mate, R2.

No, piss off. You do it then.

Right, next hole.

Where's the ball? Where's my ball?

Just over the edge there. Why have you done that?

What you doing?

No. No!

Right. Go home.

No. That is bang out of order. No.

Go home. Go. Please go. Why you being like that?

I'll finish on my own.

Do you mean I can't play the rest? No. Go.

Oh, good. Good. See you later, dickhead.

I think it was a great decision to bring Romesh here.

Sure, he didn't stick it out for the full 18 holes,

but, yeah, we were nearing the six-hour mark.

That is understandable.

And, yeah, he couldn't handle it. Fair enough.

See you back at the hotel, yeah? Shut up.

We are gonna get dinner, though? What's that?

We'll get dinner. Yeah, if you want.

Hello. You all right?

What? Why are you...

What are you dressed like that for? I was gonna ask you that question.

Have you dressed for dinner

or an audition for Boris Johnson: The Early Years?

Well, I think I look very smart.

You do look smart. Yeah. Well, you don't, do you?

This is one of the most prestigious courses in the world,

and hotels in the world.

I like to dress up for dinner. Sorry.

How was the rest of your round?

It was good, yeah. Did you enjoy it?

I have a vague recollection of enjoying it hour one.

Yeah.

There were some issues with the way you decided to introduce me to golf,

if I'm being honest.

Too advanced. Yeah.

Yeah. I totally agree. Yeah.

Yeah. So, what's been your favourite part of the day?

I did quite enjoy the concept of Rob Golf.

It's got legs, ain't it?

Well, you play golf,

and then as soon as it gets to a bit that you're a bit pissed off with,

or you find it slightly stressful or annoying

to have to play it from there,

you just throw it somewhere else. Yeah.

I like it. Yeah, it's good, innit?

And one day, when we're playing at a standard

where we can do that, then we'll play actual golf.

But for now...

I think you did good. I think it's a good, solid start.

We'll get you some lessons, -we'll go from there. -OK.

Just so you're ready for the, erm, tee off challenge at Wentworth.

What?

Hm?

I said, "What?"

We're doing a little challenge. A tee off challenge.

Like the first hole at St Andrews, which you enjoyed.

We're gonna be doing that at Wentworth.

On the, erm, European PGA tour.

'This week, Rob's dragging me into the world of golf.'

'And after dropping me in at the deep end in St Andrews...'

Fuck you!

'..We were about to do it all again,

when we drive 500 miles back to Wentworth.'

How long have we got left?

How long have we got left?

Five hours, without traffic.

'So we can see which one of us could hit the ball the furthest

in a ridiculous tee off challenge tomorrow.'

I'm so excited.

I cannot wait to completely fuck up that course.

'And to make matters even worse,

it's gonna be broadcast live on Sky Sports.'

Tomorrow, we've got this abject humiliation

of teeing off not just in front of people,

that would be bad enough, live on Sky Sports.

'If we weren't going to make total fools of ourselves tomorrow,

we needed to practise.'

Which hole would you like?

'And that meant grabbing a buggy and heading to the driving range.'

I'm going to take you wherever you need.

Romesh. What?

You can't do the voice.

It makes people feel very uncomfortable.

I am your number one caddy.

LAUGHS

Look, Rom, we're in this together.

Just try and forget that you've got professionals behind us.

Don't worry about it. Just a practise swing.

Bit less power. Bit less power?

It's not moved.

I know, but you're putting a lot -into that. -OK.

OK. Don't worry, don't worry. It's all right.

Here we go.

BANG

Fucking hell.

LAUGHS Your go.

I heard the professional say "fucking hell".

About 200 yards that one, I think.

SIGHS Crap.

Just hit it as hard as you can -and see what happens. -All right.

Oh. SMASH

They should put us in the middle, really, I think.

Romesh's morale is very low.

But I think he's doing well.

I didn't even hear that one.

I didn't even hear it. It's so silent.

He's just got to believe in himself more,

and stop, like, missing the ball.

Oh, my... Oh, shit.

Where did it go? It hit that pylon.

It's difficult to see the yardage.

What, to the right? -Way to the right. -OK.

It's fun, though, innit? Are you enjoying it?

I was enjoying it, until it became apparent

that I'm not making any discernible improvement.

You're not getting worse. OK. I mean, that's...

I could've done that by not playing at all.

'Things weren't looking good for Romesh.'

'But to be honest, both of us needed a little extra help

before tomorrow's challenge.'

'So who better to give us a lesson in the basics and boost morale

than a former world number one?'

'US Open champion and Ryder Cup legend

Justin Rose.'

All right, boys? -Hi, Justin. -Hi, Justin.

Thanks for coming down. Yeah, you got it.

Big day tomorrow. Yeah.

Heard you lads are gonna be -hitting one off the tee.Yes. -Yeah?

-We're bad. -Well, it looks like you've got all the gear and no idea.

Yeah. Thanks, mate.

Let's see if we can do something -about that.Yeah, cool. -Yeah?

Want me to maybe do a little demo and then see if you can follow?

Yeah. Show us how it's done.

Only go at 90%, though, probably. OK.

Oh, my God.

It's pretty straightforward, really, to be honest.

LAUGHTER

Who's the bravest? Who's up first?

Well, Rob, you're better than me. You go.

I mean, when you're wearing white strides,

I mean, you're definitely, like, you're halfway down.

Tell me you've got a white belt on, too.

I've got a white belt, mate. -I'm not messing about. -Absolute pro.

I mean, this is what I wear normally.

Step in.

Right.

BANG Yeah. Over there again.

Yeah. That... There's probably about 50 reasons for that,

looking at the state of that swing.

OK, could we do, like, top three? Top three! Right.

You're quite a long way away -from the ball. -OK.

So, I would be wanting to be cut, cut across the ball.

So, for me, you want to really try to feel like you...

Like a forehand in tennis. -Have you ever played any tennis? -No.

I've done table tennis. Is it similar?

Yeah, a little bit. OK.

Like, I want you to feel... -Exactly. -Like that?

I want you to feel... Put a bit of swazz on it.

Exactly. A little top spin, and slicing it that way.

OK, I'll have a quick go, then.

Oh, yeah. Way better. Oh, look at that.

Unbelievable. I mean, I'm suitably impressed.

That is literally the best I've ever done.

Thank you. Thank you, Justin. I can't...

Romesh, sorry, mate. He's done you there, hasn't he?

From out of nowhere, Rob Beckett pulls out of his arse

the best shot he's ever made in his entire life.

Now, that is a bad sign,

because it turns out that Beckett loves pressure.

'And it turns out... I don't.'

OK. That's always... It's always a start, innit?

Yeah. It went 100 yards. -Yeah. -Thank you.

We can work with that. Any potential at all?

I think... To be honest with you, right,

I noticed the grip's way up in-between the two pads, right?

The lower you can get that grip,

the more you can grip it in the left of the fingers,

the more power you're gonna have.

You're gonna be able to set your wrists.

So I'd say it's worth spending a bit of time

getting the grip sorted.

OK. Well, I've got till tomorrow.

LAUGHS All right.

GROANS

The backswing was a ton better.

All you need is that bucket of balls.

It's just that front swing, innit? A couple of hours.

A couple of hours? And you're gonna be A-OK.

Do I show any kind of promise at all?

You look like a good lad in the bar afterwards.

I'm not even that, Justin.

LAUGHS

You're all right after a couple of beers.

The long and the short of it is I thought I was in trouble before,

and now I know I'm in trouble.

I'm not feeling confident.

Good luck tomorrow. Yeah.

And well done. It's a brave thing to do to have a laugh.

But you know, you guys have a great audience,

hopefully bring more people to golf,

and thanks for shining the light on what we do.

Oh, thanks, Justin. Yeah, thank you for your time.

That's brilliant. Thank you so much. Good luck, lads.

Justin Rose came along

with the biggest of all big-dick energy I've ever seen.

What a legend he is.

Just bowled in, crunched it 300 yards.

"Do that, it'll get better. Do that, it'll get better."

It got better. "See you later."

"Thanks for bringing a new fan base to the sport."

I feel like a won an MBE.

That was unbelievable.

I cannot believe what you just did.

He just... -Thanks. -Cheers.

He walked in there like a cowboy. I'm so angry with you.

What? What have I done?

How have you pulled the best shot of your life

out of your arse in front of Justin Rose?

I don't know. How the hell did you manage that?

Yeah, but I think I'm in love -with him. -Anyway...

He literally... We had him for about three minutes.

He bowled in, did that, left.

Just gonna go and win a million quid probably, in the game.

I've had enough.

'Rob and I are back in Wentworth

for the first day of the BMW PGA Championship...'

Bloody hell.

'..And the culmination of my golfing journey.'

Bit less power. Bit less power? It's not moved.

'We've trained with one of the best golfers in the world.'

It's pretty straightforward, really, to be honest.

'And now we're about to humiliate ourselves live on Sky Sports,

as we prepare to join the professionals

on Wentworth's famous first tee,

to see which one of us could hit the ball the furthest

in our tee-off challenge this afternoon.'

The good thing about it is it's gonna be live on Sky Sports,

so that's just sort of an added kick in the dick,

just in case I was starting to feel all right about it.

Rom, how are you feeling?

We had a bit of a low morale day yesterday.

Yeah, I would say that.

I would say in terms of preparation, for the confidence,

that couldn't have been -a worse experience yesterday. -No.

Absolutely rock bottom.

Yeah. For both of us as well.

I wouldn't just say one, you know... I'm extremely erratic.

Do you mean in golf, you are? I think golf's almost...

Just generally, your mood is as well, actually.

I think you're erratic generally, in relationships and in golf.

I think it translates onto the golf course, your personality.

How do you mean? I'm shit?

And a bit off to the right.

LAUGHTER

I can't do this, Rob.

Have you seen where we're teeing off from?

Well, I'm going to be honest with you,

I can see a number one over there, but I'm slightly in denial.

Yeah, so just in front of that castle,

that number one in front of it.

What, actually in front of that number one?

Yeah. Next to the statue and the brand-new car.

Well, the Sky studio's not safe. Putting's not safe.

The BMW's not... The castle behind us isn't safe.

No, a couple of yours did go behind, didn't they?

This is a health and safety disaster, mate.

Yeah. What... I don't... Why do we do this?

This is just humiliation.

I mean, earlier I was confident about the trousers.

Now I'm regretting them.

The biggest surprise of that

is that you were confident at one point.

I look like a pervert that sells ice creams.

And then with the trousers, -even worse. -Yeah.

'However, Rob's awful taste in clothes

was the least of our problems,

as our tee off challenge was about to begin.'

Welcome to Wentworth Club,

and welcome to the 66th playing of the BMW PGA Championship.

This is game number 24.

On the tee, from England, the Olympic champion Justin Rose.

'As the professionals lined up to start their rounds,

Rob and I were told to report to the first tee staging area...'

Oh, God.

Such an intimidating first tee.

'..Where the full terror of what we were about to do

finally sunk in.'

Oh, good, powerful swing, isn't it, from Ian Poulter.

I'm so scared. Right, just show us your swing.

No, I just need to... Where you going?

I don't wanna be here.

Do you wanna be my golf buddy now? Absolutely not.

It's fun. This is not fun. This is the worst time to ask me.

It's a bad time. But look at it. Doesn't it look lovely?

'Rob and I would have one shot each to hit the ball as far as we can.'

'And this time there would be no second chances.'

We're dead.

I feel absolutely rotten.

That's the worst thing that could've happened.

Why would you put us here for this,

to watch other people do it beforehand?

'Finally, we were given the all clear

to walk onto Wentworth's hallowed first tee.'

'Where we were about to embarrass ourselves in front of the world...

..live on television.'

Are you nervous?

-Yes. -Yes. Oh.

Am I nervous? Are you joking?

'This was going to be a disaster.'

Play the ball, not the venue. Rob.

Forget there's a castle. Forget it's Wentworth.

Rob, please shut up. Just shut up. OK.

I'm just saying forget all the pros. Shut. Up.

Forget all the people. Shut up. Rob.

Just forget it. Just forget it. Just be in your own space.

Rob. Rob. Shut up.

You are the ball, the ball is you. Just relax.

Welcome back to Wentworth Club.

It's day one coverage here

of the 66th playing of the BMW PGA Championship.

We'll head out onto the golf course in just a moment,

but this, where I am right now,

is one of the most iconic opening tee shots in all of golf,

with the beautiful club house of Wentworth

overlooking that first tee,

and it's seen some of the great moments in our sport.

Highly unlikely we're gonna see another one right now,

but we'll try anyway.

It's Rob vs Romesh, and to take you through the action

we're gonna have Wayne Riley on course

and Richard Boxall in commentary.

Thank you very much, Nick.

Now, we've got a couple of late sponsor's invites

coming in here.

Let's get them underway with Alastair Scott.

This is game number 30.

On the tee, from South East London, Rob Beckett.

Off he goes.

So, you've got Rob Beckett. Don't bother.

And Romesh Ranganathan is the other player.

They're both a couple of comedians, as you're gonna see in a minute.

And out on the course is Wayne Riley.

Wayne, it's the one who hits it the furthest.

I presume you're...

Have you got past the semi rough or not?

Ah, OK. It's 180 to carry the heather.

Good luck, Rob.

Oh. Oh. Look... Oh. Ooh.

It's about 100 grand to be a member here,

and he's just taken a divot out of the first tee, old Rob.

The one who hits it the furthest wins, Wayne.

I've got Rob.

Yeah, I think that's not a bad bet.

He's nailed it. It is high.

Fore right. He spotted it. You're out there, Wayne.

It's high.

Shane Warne's under it. He's got him. He's out.

LAUGHTER

It's at the car park.

LAUGHTER

Well, we'll find out where that is. Let's get the next comedian on.

On the tee, from Crawley, Romesh Ranganathan.

'With Rob's ball missing in action...'

Thank you, yes.

'..All I had to do to win the challenge...

..was keep my ball on the course.'

'But given my previous form,

even that might be a stretch too far.'

Ooh. Not a bad backswing.

Not a bad backswing.

Not bad at all!

It's gone about 70 yards down the left-hand side.

He's just caught the rough.

Marvellous.

And he's quite happy with that.

Mate, how happy are you?

Oh, mate!

That was so good.

Was it actually good?

Well, no, but...

Look, not for a professional, but you got it over.

It's playable and on the fairway. Mine's in the carpark.

That was great.

That was so good. Everyone went, "Ooooh."

Did you hear it? Yeah.

Feel like a celebration? The celebratory... I'm so happy.

Romesh, are you my golf buddy now? 100%, I'm your golf buddy, mate.

'So, with my mission complete

and my shiny new golf buddy at my side,

all that was left for us to do was find my golf ball

and walk off into the sunset.'

Rom! Rom!

Found it!

You're joking! Look at that!

Who's won, then?

What do you mean, who's won? I've won.

It's... Yeah, but I did it further.

Yeah, but this is an illegal shot.

Technically, I'm out of bounds now, so I'd have to do a drop shot.

But the challenge was who could hit it the furthest.

No, but which one was a better shot? Clearly mine.

I am on your side here, Rom. It doesn't sound like you are.

I think you've done better, but what was the challenge?

Hit it furthest. Yeah. And who's hit it the furthest?

Forget the rest.

Whose ball is further away from the tee?

I mean, I've got to be honest,

there is a logic to what you're saying.

However, I'm happy to concede a score draw.

OK, that tells me that you know you've lost.

I've lost, haven't I? Yeah, you have.

Look, fair enough, Rom.

That was a good, what, 80, 100 yards,

and straight down the fairway.

I've had an absolute...

I mean, it's so far right -it's almost come back round. -Yeah.

It's so far right -it could be your audience. -Yeah.

How are you feeling about golf?

I think I love golf. You do love golf.

And do you know what? I think golf loves you.

I am pleased. We've had a great day, haven't we?

I'm glad you're my new golfing buddy.

I am your new golfing buddy, as long as you play at Wentworth.

Right. Shall we get pissed?

Absolutely. All the bars are closed, though.

Oh, God.

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♪ Ooh, you make me live

♪ Ooh, I've been wandering round

♪ Still come back to you (Still come back to you)

♪ In rain or shine You've stood by me, girl

♪ I'm happy at home (Happy at home)

♪ You're my best friend

♪ Ooh, you make me live

♪ Ooh, you're my best friend ♪