Original subtitles

The following programme contains adult humour.

Rom and I are back!

Yes!

Ridiculous.

Bigger...

I'm like really struggling to focus.

Better...

And more tested than ever.

Together... I am one number one caddy.

..we're on a journey of discovery.

I should not have done this!

Yee-agghhh!

To find out what we like...

I feel great! Is this sexy?

..and what we don't.

I'm going off golf. Just talk less.

-Ha-ha! -Oh, my God!

This week, we are delving into the world of art.

They're vying to be judged the most -beautiful in the universe. -Oh, OK.

We'll be going to a top art school.

Before we each present a work of art

at the world-famous Saatchi Gallery.

I cannot wait. See you in a minute.

♪ Where do we come from?

♪ London. ♪

First off the bat, Rom and I are clueless about art.

But with some of the world's most famous galleries on our doorstep,

where better to start than an art tour of the capital?

I actually am quite excited about this, because

I consider myself - and I won't comment on what I think you are -

an art...an art heathen.

Have you ever had aspirations of being an artist?

No, but like anything, I probably think I can do it a bit.

You probably think Banksy is not quite as good as you're gonna be

when you start getting into it, I imagine.

Well, if someone did the stencils for me, I could be Banksy.

Just a bit of spraying, innit?

You have to come up with the idea.

The rat with the fishing rod, or -whatever. -But that's easy, innit?

-Freestyle a thing now.Yeah. -You wanna do a thing on the underground

that captures the mood of society. Go on, go for it.

I'd do a bat with a face mask on.

That's actually not bad! You like it, don't you?

What are your experiences -of art galleries? -Nothing!

-Really. -Let's have a little practice, then.

-I'm just gonna name something. -Yep.

And I want you to talk about it

as if it's a piece of art -you've created. -Yeah, go on.

Car keys and the house key. Go on.

This piece is called Panic.

-OK? -I already like this.

And this set of car keys were taken from my house this morning

and they're my wife's.

And she now cannot find them to take the kids to school.

-Panic! -I actually think you might be an artist.

Shall I do one for you? Go on.

-OK, so a blackboard. -Mm-hm.

With a big chalk circle drawn round. Yeah.

And there's a little shelf in the middle of that.

And on that shelf is jelly

that hasn't been made into jelly, yet. The cubes.

-Yeah. -And a Churchill nodding dog -on it. -OK.

The piece is called Youth, right.

OK?

Go on.

I laughed at the name of it,

and the woman that just crossed the road saw me laughing at her

and was furious!

Sorry. Youth.

The blackboard represents me trying to get through the education system

in this country, right? Yes!

In the middle is a shelf full of jelly that's been unformed.

That jelly represents my childhood obesity. Right?

I had a gelatinous body, right?

-Had?Huh? -Sorry!

I had a gelatinous body that has continued to be gelatinous!

Sorry. Let's just get back on the theme. Sorry. I'm sorry.

That jelly represents my jelly form

but it's not been formed into its final form

-which is still jelly. -As in youth.

It's still jelly because I've continued to be overweight

and obese. Yes. Continue.

The Churchill nodding dog represents...

Good luck, by the way. The overlooking...

The overlooking shadow of British culture

that I'm desperately trying to get the nod of approval for.

Oh! Fucking hell! (HORN BLARES)

Yes!

Yes, please!

Go on! Oh, I'm in a yellow box!

I'm in the yellow box! Quick!

Romesh!

Yeah?

-Mate! -Yeah? Yeah, boy! My man!

-We're artists! -There's Batman! Look! Look at that.

I've actually managed to convince -myself we can do this. -Man.

I think it's gonna be the easiest thing we've done.

With confidence riding high,

we were paying a visit to one of the UK's most famous galleries.

The National.

And as this was Rob's first time visiting an art gallery,

this was clearly a pretty special occasion.

Can I ask why you're wearing shoes?

I thought I'd look sophisticated.

Did you think the gallery was a Wetherspoons or something?

I do look like I'm going to The Slug and Lettuce!

I tell you what I like in here. The ceiling.

OK. I wouldn't walk through here just looking up.

I would argue that's pretty insulting.

What I don't get is all the women have the same faces in old photos.

The men look at bit different. This isn't a photo!

(LAUGHS)

It's good, though. I think that's a -compliment. -It is a compliment.

You think, "It's so realistic, I thought it was a photo."Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

It's gonna be a long episode, innit?

I think I'll just stick to the ceilings!

I mean, imagine doing that. The frames are good, aren't they?

Do you reckon the painter does 'em or do they get someone in?

I feel like I'm going round the gallery with a builder!

They're like just admiring all the handiwork round the structure!

No, look. That's good, isn't it, that bit?

It's like a big fireplace round the -door, innit? -The pillars are lovely.

It's all part of it. These are odd, aren't they?

These little... I could get over that, if I wanted to.

It's not a riot barrier! It's just... What's the point, then?

It's not to physically keep you back.

There are not people crawling to get at the pictures.

For me, the pressure's off. It doesn't really matter to me

if I know about art after this.

OK? I want to. I'm gonna try.

But it doesn't affect me.

It affects Romesh. He's the cultured one, isn't he?

He's The Guardian journalist. He writes books.

He's vegan. He has oat milk.

People that like him for his books

will be disappointed in him if he does this wrong.

The pressure is on.

What do you think of this?

Pissed-up Santa? Love it! Oh, my God.

Look at his little red dick. Yeah.

Looks like it's been worn away!

Dirty little boy! Back to a little red knob.

Silenus was known to have a condition

that made his penis go incredibly red.

It doesn't say that, does it? No, of course it doesn't!

I like that one.

Why do you like this one?

I like animals.

(ROMESH SPLUTTERS)

(Why is that child pointing at her vagina?)

That's what a kid would do, though, to be fair.

Oh, look at him! Do you reckon they sat in for this photo

and saw four kids coming out the clouds?

Why do you keep saying photo? Well, picture! Drawing!

Painting, whatever it... Art.

'Clearly, we needed some help.

'So I've enlisted the expertise of artist, historian and broadcaster

'Lachlan Goudie to mentor us on our journey.'

Very nice to meet you. Are you ready for your crash course

-in art history? -Yes, mate.

We need some serious intervention. Yeah, we are starting from zero.

I think the art community

are gonna accept me as a breath of fresh air.

I could be the start of a new wave

of artists.

Maybe I am what the art community needs.

Alright, guys. What do you think of this?

Um...

Rob?

I'm not hamstrung or held back

by any technical ability or education.

I'm coming at this pure. And that's what art is.

What I think it's about is...

It looks like some sort of shepherd fuck party.

Oh, my God. I was thinking, "What is the worst thing he could say?"

You found it. Well done.

This is a massive beauty pageant.

-This is... Oh! -This is...

So it's the afternoon before the fuck party?

This is the original Miss Universe.

These are goddesses.

They're vying to be judged the most beautiful in the universe.

Oh, OK. By this guy here, Paris.

This is a painting by Peter Paul Rubens, a Dutch artist.

What he's depicted here is the moment of decision.

Paris has been scratching his head, so he asks them to get naked

so he can make... For an apple?

..a perfect judgement -for a golden apple. -Golden apple!

That's the reward. Things have changed.

It's normally cinema and Wagamama's!

What Rubens has packed into this one painting

is, you know, a three-hour summer blockbuster.

How much, though, out of interest?

Priceless! (LAUGHS)

Better not forget, Lachlan. I'll get you!

He's not selling, though. What?

Are you under the impression that he's like the shopkeeper here?

How do... He's just showing us around.

How do you put a bid in or something?

You don't put a bid in to Lachlan!

He's showing us round and explaining the pictures.

-So it's not like a shop? -No.

He's not doing a sales pitch!

Yeah, but, I thought you go in a gallery and you buy the art.

We've got a long way to go, haven't we?

Weirdly, you've managed to make a worse point

than shepherd's fuck party!

(LAUGHTER)

Have you ever seen this painting -before? -No,

I haven't. No, I haven't, never.

What do you think of it?

-Romesh? -Um... I'm not a huge fan.

Why not?

I mean, there's a beautiful kind of sky there, but...

it's not doing a lot for me.

I like the colours, but I find that a bit boring.

Right. This is regularly voted

one of the most popular paintings -in Britain! -Yeah. OK.

This is... We've very much got our fingers on the pulse, here!

This is by J.M.W. Turner.

This is iconic, alright?

Early 19th century, painting was all stodgy landscapes, muted colours.

19th century.

When was that?

Is that 18 or 19?1800s.

So 1800s to 1900s.

How often when you've been doing art stuff

and you say it's this century and somebody asks you, "When was that?"

-It's unusual! -If I don't ask, -I don't know! -Absolutely.

I've got to find out at some point! No-one's judging.

Turner is a great painter, actually.

The Turner Prize was named after Turner

because he was deemed to be such a radical artist.

This is one of the best examples of the work of an artist

who's had a prize named after him

and we don't like it!

-It's boring. -Boring!

-Boring, Turner! -You're setting us up for an absolute humiliation!

It's embarrassing, isn't it? No, it's not embarrassing!

Yeah, but he writes for The Guardian!

It doesn't matter what the readers of The Guardian think!

It does. The people of The Guardian would know what's going on here.

He writes in it. Next time he turns up for a charity latte at HQ,

they're gonna give him loads of grief.

They're gonna be all waving their tote bags at him,

"Pathetic. You should know that."

To be honest, I've only got two months left there!

I'm not sure if you can be barred from a gallery,

but after that performance, we needed to move on, just in case.

Lachlan was keen for us to see something more contemporary

so we've come to south London

to see some modern art.

Alright, guys, so...

You're now in the art of the 21st century!

And I'm pretty intrigued to know

well, what do you think of this?

It's like a blue whale, jizzing!

I've never seen it, but it's what I imagine it would look like

if it was put on a wooden floor. Well, I mean...

I would say the quantity's accurate!

-Yeah. -It would be about that amount, you'd expect.

This work is all about making you feel self-aware.

I like it, but it's basically just glitter, though, isn't it?

I like glitter. It's just a lot of glitter.

That chair, is that like the juxtaposition

-of just boring nothing? -Yeah. Hold on. What is that?

No, hold on. What are you -talking about? -The chair.

Is this like, that's crazy and in your face,

and this is just like nothing and it just disappears.

Yeah, it might as well be,

because obviously that is not part of the bloody exhibit! But...

Oh, it's not?..in the contemporary art context, it might as well be!

I thought it was like, that's crazy

and this is like disappearing into the wall chair!

Trying to artistically interpret -a staff chair! -Yeah!

'It was hard to imagine how our tour could get any worse

'but Lachlan had some news

'that was about to send shockwaves through the art community

'for all the wrong reasons!'

What's gonna happen now, right,

is I'm going to assign you a task. OK.

You are going to create, each of you, a work of art.

And this work of art is going to be exhibited

in the world-famous Saatchi Gallery.

-Oof! -In a few weeks' time

where there are pieces of art worth hundreds of thousands of pounds!

Create something that's gonna knock their socks off!

The Saatchi Gallery have exhibited works by art titans Andy Warhol,

Tracey Emin and Damien Hirst.

And now we were gonna join the esteemed list!

The good thing about this challenge

is there's absolutely no chance any of my friends and family seeing it!

Cos there's no danger of them going in that gallery.

So the pressure's off slightly for -me! -Yeah, we'll be alright, mate.

Your Guardian mates will see it! I haven't got any Guardian...

What's this about The Guardian?

You write for The Guardian! Yeah, but nobody reads it!

So, we had only spent a few hours looking around some galleries

and now, in just three weeks' time,

we'd be exhibiting our first,

and let's face it, probably last, art exhibition.

Rom and I are attempting to make our mark on the world of art.

I'll tell you what I like in here, the ceiling.

We're just a few weeks from having to each exhibit a piece of artwork

at the Saatchi Gallery

that'll be judged by artist and critic, Lachlan Goudie.

So these are goddesses.

'We've already had a nightmare art history lesson.'

That is not part of the bloody -exhibit! -Oh, it's not?

'Now with the exhibition just two weeks away,

'we desperately need to develop an idea for our artwork.

'So we're going to art school!'

I think Rob will actually be alright with this,

because art is about channelling your inner self

and not allowing any of your kind of self-conscious,

self-awareness thoughts to get in the way.

Rob doesn't have any thoughts,

so it is just purely him channelling his kind of inner monster.

We've come to Art Academy London

where principal Rob Pepper

will guide us through a range of artistic disciplines.

We're gonna look at taking an idea. Yes.

-And representing it on canvas. -OK.

Thing is, I'm gonna give you both different words

and I want you to use those words -to create a work of art. -OK.

So, Romesh, we're gonna give you -the word "freedom". -Freedom. OK.

-Rob Beckett. -Yes.

You are a guy who is so full of -freedom. -Yeah, big time.

-I need to bring you back. -Oh.

So I'm gonna give you the word -"restriction". -Prison.

-Oh. Prison. -Restriction. -Restriction. -Restriction.

-Go create. -OK.

I feel like I look like a painter and decorator. Is that normal?

-It's whatever you want, Rob. -Cool.

If that gives you the feeling of restriction... Perfect.

Cup of tea wouldn't go amiss!

So, freedom. What does it mean?

You know, I'm gonna lose my shit.

Are you having it? Are you having it, Rom?

Are you having it?

Have it!

Oh, you're an animal!

It's restriction. I'm doing a No Entry sign.

Do you want the ceiling done while I'm here, Rob?

Are you feeling alright? Freedom, mate! Freedom!

Wa-hey!

Freedom!

There you are!

My back hurts!

Oh!

Oh, God, Romesh.

Oh, I think you peaked too early, Rom.

We've got the room for two hours!

Do you want to see -the finishing moment? -Yeah.

I like it.

What is it?

It's Freedom.

It looks like the kind of thing that someone would do

just before they're denied freedom.

Yeah. I think this'll be the last episode

of Rob Yeah, I think genuinely,

you may have to go into some sort of institution for a bit.

Like...

Did you use your beard for that bit down there?

-No, that was just hands. -Yeah. You could just keep it on your hands.

Well, that ship has sailed.

'I suppose I'll have to keep the piece for future therapy'

and counselling or something. Evidential.

I guess my wife would want to have that piece

for explaining why it is I killed all those people.

Shall we go and look at Rob's then? Yeah, sure.

-Oh. -Yeah.

I wanted to do more, but I thought the point of restriction was to not!

It looks more like a burger, doesn't it? Maybe it needs a bit of freedom.

Maybe this is restriction, and now freedom's here... Yeah?

I think if we made you...

Ooh!

It's like the freedom/restriction collab!

-Yes! -Very you.

If that's Romesh's...

Yeah, you've got to do yours now. Alright...this is Rob's.

Feck off!

Get out!

Got it on his teeth! It went in my mouth!

I was fine with it!

You got it in my mouth!

Go on!

What are we doing?

Yours actually looks like a face.

I'm sorry! You're like a pirate!

-I'm sorry. -You hit me so hard... I'm so sorry!

Gone like that, so forceful, it went -in my mouth! -I'm so sorry. So sorry.

Oh! There's a bit of wood there!

Do you know what? I think maybe I need a bit of restriction!

What do you think? Yeah, I think it was well done.

I think you did really well. With what?

You've got a natural talent with art.

You've got soap in your eyes, mate!

This soap isn't as eye-safe as I've been led to believe!

This is what happened the first time.

You don't want another -eye infection! -It burns!

It burns!

It so burns my eyes!

-Are you OK? -Alright.

Well done for keeping the paper towels dry(!)

It was time to move on to our next artistic discipline.

You're gonna do some sculpture.

So I'm gonna pass you over to the amazing Laura

who's classically trained in figure sculpture

and she's gonna teach you how to sculpt.

Great. Thank you.

'But conveniently, we hadn't been told exactly what we'd be sculpting.

'An interpretation of Michelangelo's David.

Hello!

'Complete with our own life model.'

Afternoon!

Great. So our model's gonna be Robin.

Fucking hell!

So...

The first thing we need to do...

I find the best thing to do when you're setting up your armature...

Rob, do you have anything to say? I don't wanna be immature,

but I'm really struggling to focus and I don't know... Why?

-Why's that? -Why are you struggling to focus?

I've got the most generous view.

Which is great. You should be grateful.

Cos there's lots to work with!

I cannot concentrate when there's an unclothed penis on the loose!

I've actually made you, so far, Romesh, with a lack of arse.

No arse whatsoever?

Shall we take a width measurement? Yeah, get the measure out.

Ideally, the upper thigh is the perfect place,

cos then we can get the tapering. That would be great, Laura,

cos I'm struggling with my dimensions on the upper thigh.

Make sure that you can get the best measurement possible

for this sculpture, please, Romesh.

Oh, whoa. Whoa. That's good.

(MEASURE CLICKS SHUT) Oh, Jesus!

Ooh-ooh-oh!

-MODEL: -That's brought tears to my eyes already!

As long as it's just tears to your eyes!

A bit further. Romesh, you know that's not the right measurement!

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

-ROB: -Oh, no, each one is dropping.

You've got to re-do that. You'll have to do that again, Romesh!

There's no point doing it if you're gonna mess it up at the last.

Oops. Sorry, mate.

I think you've coped well. I'm absolutely fine.

I've done the thigh, now, Rom. Don't worry about it.

Jesus Christ, Rob!

-Too much? -You could hang it off the mantelpiece with that!

Yeah. It might be my new coat hook!

I don't know what you've done, mate, but it's got bigger!

That's why I'm doing a few. Just a few options.

He spent more time making a selection of penises

than he did the rest of the entire body.

You've both got to a really good stage.

So shall I have a look? Yeah.

You clearly like the detail!

I do find that the phallus -will change. -Temperature!

Temperature will affect size, width, or whatever.

So I have a selection that can be used dependent on the weather.

Sorry, when was he displaying that middle one?

When you all left and it was just me and him!

These are all lined up for whatever happens there!

-Oh, yeah. I understand. -I can just, look, for example,

"Oh, is it really warm?"

Pop that off. Pop him on.

And away we go. "Oh, what's that? Temperature's dropped."

Pop him off. Pop this little guy on.

I actually genuinely tried to make a sculpture.

Rob worked on a routine

where he explained that smorgasbord of cocks that he created.

He made a dick tapas!

So, Romesh, I think you've done very well.

I think you've captured a good gesture.

You've got a nice stance on this leg.

-Thanks very much. -This one's -relaxed. -Do you know what?

I think the hair and the face -is incredible. -Yes.

I guess the big question is,

we finished quite a while ago. Why is he still stood like that?

'This week, we're trying to get our heads around art. All of it.'

What do you think of this? Pissed-up Santa? Love it.

'We started at London's National Gallery,

'where we had explored some of the classics.'

All the women have the same faces -in old photos. -This isn't a photo!

'We've got a mountain to climb

'and we're just days away from each having to create a piece of art

'and put on an exhibition at the Saatchi Gallery.'

'Looking for inspiration, we were en-route to East London

to dive into the unique discipline of performance art.'

Performance art is stuff where you're walking through a gallery

then somebody jumps out at you from behind a pillar.

And then that is... Oh!..another piece that's called Surprise.

-That kind of thing. -I went on a ghost train in Waterford, Ireland.

It was a geezer dressed in black tickling you in the ghost train.

That's something that should be on -some sort of list! -I think so, yes.

It does feel like there needs to be an expose!

"That guy was tickling my leg!" "What guy?"

"The ghost train! You have to take your trousers and pants off

"to go on the ghost train. Yes. That one."

But that's the point. You're supposed to be scared, aren't you?

I was petrified!

I still have nightmares now!

One of the best ghost trains I've ever been on!

Had to see a counsellor, the ghost train was so scary.

It's stuck with me for life, that!

I'm scarred, scarred by it.

If you want to be scared, go and see Caspar the Tickler!

'If a fairground ride in Ireland was Rob's best attempt

'at defining performance art,

'we had a lot to learn!

'Fortunately, we're about to get a lesson with globally-renowned artist

'Quilla Constance.

'Quilla's boundary-pushing work has been displayed

'in galleries around the world.

'But she was gonna have to work hard to change Rob's mind

'about performance art.'

This is not a bit of me.

It makes me cringe.

I'm not looking forward to this. And that, for me, is a hook.

However much I dislike it,

I will be buoyed and energised

by the fact that Rob hates it a little bit more.

And for that reason, I'm gonna go into this absolutely buzzing.

I am gonna be more enthusiastic about performance art

than I was about getting married or having any of my children.

You are about to see a man

that looks like he was born to do performance art.

Oh, wow.

That looks great, Rob. Have a look.

I knew it. I knew it.

Go on.

I think it's gonna be fun.

-Don't pretend to be into it. -I think it looks exciting, doesn't it?

Quilla's Performance Art Workshop

required that we leave our inhibitions at the door.

And once we'd entered the studio, we should just go with the flow.

Hello! I didn't hear you knock!

-Hi!Hiya.Hello. -We saw you through the window. You were going for it!

-Were you impressed? -Very impressed, -yeah. -Thank you.

Welcome to Open Studio. Come and have a look around.

There's loads going on! It's like The Ritz there

-and like a harvest festival! -Ha!

Well, the juxtaposition is quite interesting, actually, I think.

Come and explore. Sure.

'Less than a minute in and I was already out of my depth.

'And Quilla was about to drag us in deeper.'

You'll never guess what I'm gonna ask you to do.

You want us to put one of these on? Of course!

There's quite a lot of back showing in that.

I think your back will be the least of your problems!

I'm getting like Woody from -Toy Story vibes. And Jessie. -Yeah.

Pop yourselves behind the screen. -Sure. -Sure.

'We were going to look ridiculous, but at least we could call it art.'

They go on very differently on different bodies.

I never thought I'd say it, but you're the problem, not the outfit!

They can just be sort of draped over, like this, or something.

You know, there's a lot of possibilities with them.

Oh, your fingers are so cold! What can I do?

I know. I just don't want you touching me, but I need you!

I'm very excited to see what R

Wow!

-Superb! -Yeah?

Can you just stand back next to the screen so I can see you?

I think I've got mine on wrong.

There's no right or wrong with this.

You've made a creation there and that's what counts here.

Quilla had planned a performance art workshop for us,

a collection of bizarre scenarios

exploring themes like race, class and culture.

A toast is in order, basically, because you look so spectacular.

Thank you. And you've made such an effort.

What is a better way to welcome you to the Open Studio?

Brilliant. This is really out of my comfort zone.

That's an unusual bottle of champagne you've got there!

This is great. Yeah.

What better way to introduce us to this than...

Disgusting!

RThank you. Thank you.

Hoops in flutes!

Thank you. Lovely(!)

This is great, isn't it? Yeah.

Hmm.

-Cheers! -Cheers.

It's like gazpacho, isn't it, -in a way? -I was thinking that, too.

Got any coffee? Get it down you, brother!

Disgusting. I don't even like 'em hot!

You're an animal!

Can you just knock some more of -those back, please? -Yeah.

-Mate, you're sipping the juice! -You didn't have all of yours, did you?

I had most of it, actually. Yeah, go on, Rob.

Aghh! Ahhh!

'Rob had already reached a low point.

'With spaghetti hoop juice in his beard and all over the floor,

'I was definitely faring better on our journey

'down the performance art rabbit-hole.'

You'll need energy for the next part -of this. -OK.

It's called Screaming With Vegetables and Products.

OK. Screaming With Vegetables -and Products. -Yes.

That's an ominous name, isn't it?

So, randomly just take two

and let out the loudest scream you've ever done.

Aghhhhhhhh!

That's not the loudest scream, surely?

Come on, Rob. Properly get into it.

Aghhhhhhhhhhh!

If you're angry, louder.

'Quilla was a mind-reader.

'Stood there, holding a tub of gravy granules and a massive yam,

'I did have the hump!'

AGHHHHHHHHHH!

(PIERCING SCREAM)

'But I obviously wasn't as angry as her - yet!'

Agghhh!

-Now you. -Oh, yeah. Right. Sure.

Aghhhh!

How's that? He got it first time, yeah?

'I'd beaten Rob on the hoops and flutes and now I'd destroyed him

'on the Screaming With Vegetables And Products.

'He needed to up his game.'

Next, I was thinking High Tea in PPE.

High Tea in PPE. Yeah.

The challenge is to maintain some etiquette.

-OK. -That's the rough framework.

'So, it was time for a performance piece.'

Rob, would you like some tea? Yeah, I'll have some tea.

'The challenge was to maintain the etiquette of high tea

'whilst Quilla pushed the boundaries of appropriate behaviour.

'Things were about to get weird!'

There is a framework -for the high tea. -OK.

There's an etiquette. Ooh, macaron!

I don't mind if I do!

Oh. One for me, please.

I don't mind if I do a second time.

Would anyone mind if I had a macaroon?

Not at all! Oh, thank you!

You're very welcome. I love macaroons.

They're very moist! Mm, if they're done well!

(GIGGLES)

Rather!

What a wonderful afternoon to have tea with friends!

Time for tea! Absolutely!

Oh, you've pissed it out all over the floor!

Oh! I've spilt my tea!

How dare you? Macaroon for me?

Mmm!

Oh, that is gorgeous!

I'm getting into this. Are you dead? No!

Usu... Usu...

Usually!

-Stop it! -Excuse me. You're a mucky pup, aren't you?

I just dribbled some tea on the bloody floor!

Would you like a scone -with some jam? -Yes.

'And then...'

Aghhhhh!

'..the etiquette framework went out the window.'

(GIBBERISH)

What's going... What is...

(ANIMAL NOISES)

-Aghhhhh! -Aghhhh!

(GIBBERISH)

-Aghhh! -Pahhh!

-Yeeeahhhh! -Peep!

Aghhhh!

-Aghhh! -Peep!

-Aghhh! -Waghhhhh!

Aghhhh!

-Aghhhhh! -Aghhhhhhh!

Wee-agghhhh!

Agghhh!!

-Aghhhhh! -Wagghhhh!

Aghhhh!

That was genuinely a really great experience. I liked that.

It was really good. Can you pop that nipple away?

Huh? It's part of the show. There's no rules.

-I don't think there's rules. -For my finale, are you gonna suckle on it?

Are you gonna keep this or burn it, -or what? -Hah! I will keep it.

-Hot washer. -It's got the residue of your performance

and that means a lot.

'And on that bombshell, it was time to say goodbye to performance art.'

(EXTENDED SCREAMS)

Aghhh! -Oh, wow! -Wow!

Something happened in there. I don't know what.

I felt like I was sort of drunk. -Yeah. -I went insane!

Now I'm just wandering around an East London warehouse.

I feel like I've got to go home and apologise!

But I've done nothing wrong!

What will haunt me forever, is when she said,

"There's gonna be the residue of your performance on that."

It's like something you would hear in court or the prosecuting lawyer.

"How did you know that Romesh was at that warehouse?"

"Because there's residue from his performance in the costume."

-Fancy getting a beer? -Yeah.

Um, I don't know where my shoes have gone.

I don't think it matters, mate.

Oh, mate, from the back, it's worse!

'Over the past few weeks,

'Rob and I have been on a collision course with the art world.'

Oh! There was a bit of wood there!

'Our ultimate goal, to each create a piece of work that we'd exhibit

'at London's Saatchi Gallery.'

'This was it. The culmination of our art journey.

'This afternoon, we'd be displaying our final pieces

'in front of critics.'

What my art is

is a statement on what I think about Rob Beckett.

'Of all the disciplines we had tried,

'performance art was where I'd had my success.'

Aghhhhhh!

He got it first time!

'I've spent the past week

'developing a surprise performance art masterpiece

'that would be brought to life by Rob's social media ramblings.'

'Hello? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

'I just wondered if I could order some more cheese? Cheers. Thanks.'

I'm pretty pleased with what I've got to deliver.

I'll be honest with you. I think it's gonna be pretty sweet.

I'd arrived at the gallery early, but Rob was nowhere to be seen.

I was a long way away from the Saatchi.

I'm at the home of everyone's favourite Sri Lankan comedian,

Romesh Ranganathan.

I'm here cos I'm gonna do my bit of art on his house!

Should I be painting on Romesh's house? No.

But Leesa said it'll be funny,

the kids think it's hilarious.

Say hello to Becksy.

'Banksy, yeah, he could sue.'

But how can you sue someone

when no-one's allowed to know who you are?

I could blow it up.

"You've been sued? By who?

"Banksy? Where's the address? I need a name."

I'm waiting for the bloke who's gonna do it.

He's just a graffiti artist I know.

He'd better hurry up, though, cos if he don't turn up,

I'll have to do it!

He's got the stencil.

A few hours later, the Saatchi Gallery was filling up

with art patrons and critics,

all there for the START Art Fair,

looking to discover emerging talent.

You'd be forgiven for thinking that's got to be the artwork

cos it's incredible, but no.

That is just a fraction, it's not even a tenth

of what I am delivering today.

Rob Beckett by Romesh Ranganathan.

It was nearly show time.

Artist and critic Lachlan Goudie had arrived to judge our work.

And Rob had finally decided to show up.

Sorry I was a bit late. Just getting... Why were you so late?

Just getting a few things sorted for my exhibition.

I'm excited to see what you've done. Well... Shall we go and see it?

I just need a bit of prep time.

Room 12...Yeah...is where I'll be displaying the art.

Meet me there in ten minutes.

It sounds like code for a prostitute!

There's no code for anything. You are gonna be... You'll love it.

OK.

I cannot wait. See you in a minute.

I've got no idea what's gonna happen.

I'm clueless.

I can't believe Rob needs ten minutes to get ready.

You assume it's just on the wall and we're gonna go in and see it.

I hope he's got an outfit.

I really want... I really want an outfit!

Oh!

(DIALLING TONE)

'Hello? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

'I just wondered if I could order some more cheese.

'Cheers. Thanks.

'Oooh!

'Oh!

'I'm going out. See you later.

'Wine. Wine. Wine.

'Cobweb. Cheese.

The man's got a cough and things.

'Aghhh!

'Feeling fresh, brothers and sisters.

'I'm not having a breakdown.'

"I look like a mad, blind frog."

Ha-ha-ha!

"I'm Rob Beckett."

'Hey, guys. Cobweb.

'Guys.'

Hello?

No, I'm OK for biscuits, thank you.

'Waa! Boom!

'Well, that's my day ruined, isn't it?'

"A week and a double school run.

"My eyes tell the story."

Oooh-ooh-ooh!

'I'm not Woody. Things are looking up.'

I'm in league with the algorithms of the internet.

Sausage pervert!

Ha-ha-ha!

'I haven't got a drill.

'I'm completely sane.

'It's gonna take a while to get used to this.'

(STRAINING)

Oooh-ugh!

Bleughh!

Aghhhh!

Tangerine.

Well done!

Great.

'I'm still here.'

Rom's borderline breakdown

has stunned and possibly appalled some of the audience.

But they weren't judging it. Lachlan was.

I thought it was, uh, chaotic.

I thought it was explosive.

I thought it was utterly confusing

and then I began to figure out it was actually a kind of love letter!

I thought that was quite moving

cos Romesh can't escape Rob.

So that was quite profound. And the fact that Rob was standing there,

and I could feel him being so angsty and anxious,

you know, that's what art does!

It can... It can inject, you know,

profound feelings into an audience they're not expecting to feel.

I was still trying to get my head round what just happened,

and Rom had some questions to answer!

Can I run a couple of things past you... Sure.

..whether that you knew she was -gonna do? -Yeah.

Did you know that she was gonna pretend to give birth or... No.

..shit out an orange? I'll be honest with you,

to shit out the tangerine, I didn't know about, but I did like it!

OK!

That was one of my... I liked that.

-Look, I've committed to it. -You did. You committed to it. Went for it.

Did you know there was gonna be an -audience of people? -No.

You thought it was just gonna be me? -Yeah. -OK.

Yeah. So I'll be honest with you, walking in was a shock.

Also, what I would say is, since lockdown,

that's the biggest audience you've played to, socially distanced.

-Yeah, probably was. -That was your -comeback gig! -Not the best gig.

It's now time for me to show you -my piece of art. -OK. Where is it?

We've got to go.

We've got to go somewhere else. Why?

This way.

I'm getting a little bit nervous, now. I love what I've done

and I do think it's funny that I've done it on the front of his house.

But I do think he may take it quite badly.

Once you've seen it, we can go home, yeah?

We'll be done for the day.

'In true Rob Beckett style,

'he decided to throw the rule book out the window

'and do his artwork somewhere other than the Saatchi Gallery.

'Lachlan had agreed to give his final verdict on our pieces

'once Rob revealed where his was.'

OK. So I'm annoyed.

Why?

You know why!

Yeah. Look...

Because... Go on...it looks like...

It looks like you may have done something to my house.

Well, it does look like that, doesn't it?

Yeah, it looks a lot like that! It does, doesn't it?

But let's just have a look.

Oh, you absolute prick.

(ROB LAUGHS)

You absolute prick!

Is it what you thought it was gonna be?

I swear, honestly, Rob,

you'd better have done this in chalk.

Because otherwise... Right. Could I.....I'm gonna be furious.

-A few things. -Sure. One, Leesa OK'd it.

Couldn't give less of a shit about that.

Two, it is art, isn't it,

so this I thought would be the best way to display the art.

I'll be the judge of that!

-Literally! -Yeah.

I have been guaranteed... OK...that it will come off.

Well, the bloke said, 85, 90% sure.

Which I think is a good...

That's a fair...

Don't look at me!

I am so angry with you!

We should do the...

I promise, I... This giggling, by the way,

you giggling like this actually is making it worse.

I can't believe that they've let me do this! Right,

-do you want a countdown? -No. Alright. OK.

-Do you want to press it? -No.

OK.

Enjoy!

Oh, my God!

Why is my face like that?

It's quite hard to... Why have you made my face worse?

It's quite hard to do it on a rendered wall!

Why is it on the windows?

Because I... Because of his legs.

But what I would... It...

I...What does it mean?

I dunno. It's just the first thing we thought of in the car!

That is awful! Isn't it?

I've got one question, which is, "Who's the guy on the left?"

(LAUGHTER)

-That's me! -It looks like Colonel Sanders has had a shave!

It's not... It... Yeah.

It's not... Tell me.. No. No! Shut up!

Can I explain? I wish you would!

I'm sensing you're not fond of this, -Lachlan. -Look,

-you've gone big! -Thank you! And that's good.

-Yep. -You've given us Becksy.

You've sustained the tradition of graffiti art

in a suburban environment. Yes, I have Lachlan.

So the context is fascinating. -Exactly. -Lachlan, Lachlan.

-Don't stop him. -No, hold on. He's on a roll!

But the execution...is pretty awful.

Would it help if I shit out an orange now?

-She gave birth to it. -Oh, right. One comment taking you down.

Lachlan, who was better? I know that's not what art's about.

This is impressive.

-Yes. -This criminal act of vandalism is impressive?

But to stand... Could have been worse...in multicoloured latex

and perform what you did today,

you have been on a journey, Romesh.

-Well done. -Yes!

-Well done. -Clean my house!

I think you're good at art,

and you're good at being flamboyant with it.

I want to leave that part of my art journey behind me.

Just lock the door and... That was fine.

I sort of flirted with a breakdown.

-Yes. -Dipped my toe in.

As for you... Yeah.

If I were to be honest, I think -you've learned nothing. -No.

Absolutely nothing.

If anything,

you've got less interest in art than -when we started this. -Yeah.

In fact, when we talked about art... Yeah...

Banksy was the only person you knew. Yeah, I can see now.

At the end of the journey, we've taken Lachlan through it,

he's given us the education, we've gone through different disciplines,

and you've just done a Banksy. -Becksy.Whatever. -It's a Becksy.

Shall we go inside and I can get warm?

Uh, no. I don't think so. -See you later. -No? OK.

I'm only joking. Come on. -Are you sure?Yeah, come on. -Aw.

Spent quite a lot of money on getting that bloke to do that.

-You and I need to talk to Leesa. -OK.

Because I'm not happy with her.

Leesa, he just said, "Where's his dinner?"

Why are you going into my house first?(LAUGHS)

♪ I just want a Picasso

♪ In my casa

♪ No, my castle

♪ I'm a hassa

♪ I'm never satisfied

♪ Can't knock my hustle

♪ I wanna Rothko, no, I wanna brothel

♪ No, I want a wife

♪ ..like a prostitute

♪ Let's make love on a million in a dirty hotel

♪ With the fan on the ceiling on

♪ All for the love of drug dealing

♪ Marble floors, gold ceilings

♪ Oh what a feeling. ♪

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