Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

'Romesh and I are back.' Hello.

'We're not getting any younger.' Oh, my god.

'And there's a lot of stuff out there we know nothing about.'

I've seriously took one for the team.

'In this series we're on a journey of discovery.'Am I into death metal?

'Over the next four episodes

we'll be delving into the worlds of basketball...

ballet...' I look like a circus strongman.

'..and cricket...

to find what we like...' Oh!

Come on! '..and what we don't.'

'We might even discover a hidden talent.'Argh!

'Or we might just end up humiliating ourselves.'

You've booked us into a spa and now we're having tubes up our arse.

'Our latest adventure has brought us all the way to South Africa

to take on the world of international cricket,

as England play the hosts in a five-day test match.'

What a catch that is.

'My plan was to watch as much cricket as possible

and to understand why it's so popular.

But Rob had other plans.' We're tracking a rhino.

'As we set off on a cultural tour...' Are you taking this seriously?

'..Beckett style.'Just keep going until you feel the grass balls.

'But this time it really is all about cricket.

As the test match reaches its epic conclusion,

we hang out with some England fans...

..try our hand at live commentary.'

Again, I don't know what happened, but someone's caught it.

'And find out which one of us has got what it takes to turn pro.'

(CROWD GROANS)

'We'd been in South Africa for four days

and we were finally gonna see some cricket,

but as we began to make our way across Cape Town,

things didn't get off to the best start.' (HORN HONKS)

Don't expect to see a London bus, -do you? -No.

It's fucking lost, innit?

Right, is he gonna let me out?

(HORN HONKS) Oh, no.

And here we have...

He's not letting me... I can't get it into reverse.(HORN HONKS)

Why won't it go into reverse? (BUS HORN HONKS)

Why won't it get into reverse, Romesh?

Hold on, hold on, hold on. That's it.

There you go.

That's not as easy as it should be. That could've been really bad.

I want to let that marinate -a little bit longer. -Argh.

Wow. (LAUGHS)

It's OK. Very warm in here. (LAUGHS

♪ INCREDIBLE BONGO BAND: Apache

'Back on the move we headed to Newlands Cricket Ground

where day three of the second test was about to begin.'

'Yesterday our bowlers had torn

through the South African batting order.'

That's it.

'And by the close of play they only had two wickets left standing.'

A perfect end for England. The crowd has been fantastic.

They've got behind them. They've been singing the songs.

The support's been good and they've put themselves

in a very, very strong position in this test match.

This is it. Here we go.

I know you've not got a big interest, but are you slightly buzzing?

I'm excited about the weather.

Like we're going to a festival up -a mountain. -Yeah, and the cricket.

I'm excited. This is pretty amazing, mate.

'Today I was looking to see South Africa's wickets fall fast,

so we could watch some fine England batting.'

When I go through a turnstile, I get over excited.

'But I was also looking to see how long Rob would stay focussed

on the slow-burn nature of test cricket.'

Rob has got a very short attention span.

He is like a kid that's eaten seven packets of Haribo.

This is all right, innit? Oh, mate. Not bad.

I like it. As days at work go.

The idea of him sitting here for days at a time,

watching a game without becoming so annoying

that I want to punch his face in... very unlikely.

'As the match got underway,

Jimmy Anderson set England off to a dream start,

taking a wicket with his very first ball.'

Just the start that England would have wanted.

Come on, England! Come on, England!

'A fantastic moment which seemed to ignite Rob's interest in the sport.

Well, sort of.'Why don't they have different colour kits?

It's always white, innit? Cos it's hard to know who's who, innit?

Well... Well, not really, two of them have got bats! (LAUGHS)

That's something I'm glad you said quietly, as you did.

Do you know the types of bowling?

Um... Oh, fast and slow.

Oh!

Oh. He nearly caught it.

So, what do you actually know? Does the.. Is an over six balls?

Yes, it is, yeah.

-There we go. -I think we should keep all these questions quiet.

It's a bit like like Australia, South Africa, don't you think?

In what way? Cricket.

So, do you know -what Duckworth Lewis is? -Who?

Duckworth Lewis. Duckworth Lewis.

-Yeah. -Sounds like a number in bingo, innit?

Duckworth Lewis, 35. Yeah.

Ah. Been waiting on a Duckworth Lewis for 100 quid.

Duckworth Lewis is if rain stops play.

-Yeah. -They calculate... It's a method to calculate...

Oh, like sin, cos, tan.

Yes, I guess so, yeah. Pythagoras.

But like trigonometry, yeah. Yeah.

Sort of getting maths and cricket wrong now, but, yeah.

This is great for you, isn't it?

This must... Oh, this plays into the Asian stance.

This is the most Asian you've ever been. Cricket and maths.

-It's unbelievable. -All I need to do is set up some IT support, I'm away.

'So, with Rom's help I'd nailed the basics of cricket.'

Come on!

'And with the men in white bowling out the other men in white,

I think it was England's turn to try and hit the red ball.

But that didn't seem to go too well.'

Edged.

'And then something genuinely interesting happened.'

Oh, we're on the big screen, Romesh.

No, we're not, are we? Are we? Oh, yeah.

Rob and Romesh are in the house.

Enjoying themselves, by the look of it today.

Oh, there he goes.

Important, I guess, to stay hydrated.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

It was at exactly this point Rob's interest

in our mellow morning began to wane

and he felt we should liven it up a bit.

I'm getting into the vibe, however it does feel like that section

is, like, the hard-core. That's the Barmy Army.

This is the corporate hospitality. It's a bit corporate.

-We've sampled this. -Prawn sandwich -brigade. -Let's go get in amongst it.

'As he owed me a pint, who was I to stop him?

The Barmy Army have been England's globe-trotting 12th man

for over 25 years, turning up in their thousands

to support the team through thick and thin.

They also enjoy staying well hydrated,

so it was understandable why Rob was keen to hang out with them.

Thankfully, the army's Chris Millard was on hand to draft us in.

Welcome to the army. -How you doing? I'm Rob. -Chris.

You've gotta wear one of these. OK.

Wear it proud, yeah? Oh, thank you.

So, we just get the gear straight -away?We're in the Barmy Army. -Yeah.

Welcome.

(PLAYS TRUMPET) # You're In The Army Now

I'm in the army.

'I was feeling a bit self-conscious in my ill-fitting uniform,

but Rob had settled right in.'

Can I have a go on the trumpet? -Yeah. -How do you do it?

Basically, you've gotta put your lips together.

How do you hold it? Left hand round the middle.

No, look left hand like that. Oh, right.

Grip it round the middle.

(PLATYS RANDOM NOTES)

That's not bad. For a first go, that's not bad at all.

Thanks, guys. ARMY: # He's sacked in the morning

♪ Sacked in the morning

♪ You're getting sacked in the morning

♪ Sacked in the morning... ♪

(PLAYS RANDOM NOTES)

(CHEERING)

' I was out of puff and as there was very little happening on the field,

I thought Rom should have a go at entertaining our new friends.'

Uh, do you know what guys?

Did everyone see me down a pint on the big screen?

We did see you. Yeah.

Has anyone seen Romesh do it? CROWD: No.

No. Shall we see Romesh do it? Yeah.

Actually, guys, it's against my religious beliefs.

(SINGS)

♪ Down in one, down in one, down in one... ♪

' And then like an idiot, like a mug,

like an easily manipulated chump,

I allowed myself to fall into the trap

of downing a pint like a prick in front of the Barmy Army.

♪ Down in one, down in one

♪ Down in one, down in one, down in one

Ooh!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

It's not me. I allowed myself to be pressured.

He went, "Chug it and they all go, 'Go, Ranganathan.

Go, you fat Rangars.'" and then I downed it.

(LAUGHS)

But they didn't... (LAUGHS)

'Whilst I was trying to hold it down,

the Barmy Army was turning it up

and the whole stand was suddenly buzzing.'

We are the army!

The barmy Barmy Army!

With Joe Root!

Barmy Army, Joe Root!

Barmy Army, Joe Root!

COMMENTATOR: They've been vocal.

The Barmy Army and England support.

Barmy Army, Joe Root!

'I'd found my cricket mojo,

but all that clapping was taking its toll.

Barmy Army, Joe Root!

(SINGING AND TRUMPET PLAYING)

Oh, my God!

And so before we had our Barmy Army memberships revoked,

we snuck off for a breather.'

Well, that was pretty mad, wasn't it? I love cricket.

I feel I've been indoctrinated.

I've gotta say, I love the Barmy Army. They're great.

I love 'em for about half an hour. Yeah.

The first time in my life I've gone, # Dur dur, dur dur dur-dur-dur ♪

That's the first time I've ever done that.

Normally, when I hear it, I say to my family, let's run the opposite way.

But, yeah I'm... I'm buzzing. I enjoyed that.

I feel like I look like I've won a competition.

You look like Cypress Hill if they got involved with Tommy Robinson.

Beer?

Your round, right?

'Rom and I are in Cape Town watching England take on South Africa.'

Come on! Come on! Yes!

'Yesterday we sat through the third day of the test

while staying well hydrated,

and hanging out with the Barmy Army.'

Barmy Army!

(PLAYS RANDOM NOTES)

(LAUGHS)

'England were in a strong position,

but after losing two wickets late in the day...'

Gone.

'..the hosts had been offered a glimmer of hope.

Now we were en route to day four,

but the game itself was at the back of my mind

because today we'd be going head to head in a catching challenge

in front of the Barmy Army.

And in preparation for this public humiliation,

we'd received nearly a full hour of training

with England legend Kevin Pietersen,

where I'd proven I was competent, at best.

And, Rob, well...'

Rob. Ooh, I don't like it.

'Rob was Rob.' I don't like it.

Nasser Hussain... Yeah.

..is gonna be hitting it in the air, OK?

We've gotta catch. We get three attempts.

Do you think you're gonna win or I'm gonna win? Honestly.

Honestly, banter aside. Banter aside,

we drop all three.

Each of us. Yeah I think that's most likely.

Six balls dropped to boos and jeers from a drunk Barmy Army.

What did you just say? Boos and jeers.

Boos and jeers. Boos and jeers.

(LAUGHS)

Boos and jeers. Why is that funny?

Boos and jeers. (BOTH LAUGH)

Sorry, I just....

Boos and jeers. Jeers. Yeah.

'When we arrived, there was no time to make ourselves look presentable,

as we had to appear live on South African TV

to hear some words of encouragement from our no-nonsense mentor.'

This is KP's advice to you.

You've gotta keep your eyes on the ball whether you're bowling,

batting or catching.

Your eyes are the most important part

about going about our wonderful job.

Do you give Rob and Romesh any hope?

Er...yes.

I do. I do. I want to. I'm a positive dude.

I don't wanna stand here and say they've got absolutely no chance.

When you put your mind to something, you can do anything.

So 100%, I'm giving them every single chance

to make sure that they do it. Don't let me down.

-Boys, don't let him down. -Honestly, I don't put much stock in that

because when you said to him, "How do you feel,"

he didn't say I'm positive about their chances.

He said, "I'm a generally -a positive guy. -Yeah.

Basically, he said, "I try and look at the bright side of everything.

So, yeah hopefully they'll do it." So, obviously, he does know you.

Also he said... It's not a big vote of confidence...eyes are key.

His are all over the place. -Mine are going. -It's over.

My mum's had two detached retinas. That's my weak point.

I'll be blind before I'm dead.

The worst thing he could've said was it's all about the eyes.

That's literally the worst thing he could've said.

Yeah, that's it. If he said,

ideally, if you're a bit overweight and happy, I'd be feeling positive.

I'd have loved it if he'd said, "If you've got poor stamina and partially sighted,

you're gonna have an absolute blinder -on this literally. -Love it.

'KP's words had provided very little comfort

and neither did the England kits

he'd arranged for us to wear for the challenge.

It's not forgiving, is it, as tops go?

It's hard to pull off a cream polo shirt with a...

I've got a lot more respect for them as athletes now.

(LAUGHS) How do you...? How can you wear this?

This is gonna be awful.

Shoes. You got sunglasses?

I've got sunglasses, yeah.

Polarised.

I feel like cool now I've got these on, though. I think it's helped.

Do you think? Sun cream we need.

Do you need sun cream? Last time you said no was in Jamaica

and you burnt your head.

I don't care about burning my head, mate.(CACKLES)

I can't talk to you with these on. We're about to go out there and...

The problem is, this isn't just for our show,

this is being broadcast live on Sky, on all South Africa's sports...

(BOOT SPIKES SCRAPE)

Why's that happening? It might be the spikes.

(LAUGHS) Why are we- ?

I don't think think they're designed for kitchen floors.(CACKLES)

That is mental, don't stand up.

(LAUGHS) It's insane. No, it is.

Look, it's all right once you get used to it.

Right.

Erm, do you want some sun cream?

No.

You might... What are you do...?

What?

I don't wanna get burnt.

I have a put a bit... It looks like I've been paint-balled.

I think I should've done it a bit neater.

It's in my eyebrow. I don't need it in my eyebrow. There you go.

That's it. That looks great, Rob.

-Do you want a bit? -No. Just on the end of the nose.

Go on, then. Little bit there.

On your forehead?

Bit there. Oh, no. Sorry.

(LAUGHS)

Thanks a lot, mate. Go out with the old dot on my head.

I didn't think about what -I was doing. -Unbelievable.

Knucklehead Rob Beckett.

Oh, he's Asian; just put a dot on his forehead.(CACKLES)

I didn't think about what I was doing. I just... Unbelievable.

I just did it, and as soon as I did it, I knew I shouldn't have.

That was your instinct.

No, as a friend, putting sun cream on.

Who puts sun cream on like that? -Nobody. -I've never done it before.

Traditional dot on the forehead. Right, ready?

I've got the dot. I just need to find a sari

and then we're ready for the challenge.

'Finally, it was our turn to face the crowd.

And as it was made up of our friends from the Barmy Army,

we were guaranteed some support.' Come on, Romesh.

(CROWD CHANTS) Full-kit, wankers.

'Or maybe not.' Full-kit wankers.

Petrified. Didn't catch one of them in training.

10,000 people screaming, "Beckett, you're shit," already.

I've not tried to catch one yet.

I've been we've gotta stick together. I don't give a shit about Rob.

You haven't got to be the fastest gazelle,

just faster than the slowest.

And in my mind, Rob's the slowest gazelle.

And I can't wait to cripple him while we're out there.

They talk about, "Can they do it at this level?"

I can't do it in training. So what am I gonna do?

Worst case scenario is ultimate humiliation, fractured skull.

Second, ultimate humiliation, -broken fingers. -Yeah.

Rob has got bigger teeth, so he's got a more to lose than I have.

Do you know what I mean?

If he gets his teeth smashed in, it's a bonus for the ivory trade.

'The Barmy Army was ready and waiting,

so we made our way over to meet England legend, Nasser Hussain,

and a Sky Sports TV crew for another light-hearted grilling.

Who are you and what are you doing here?

I'm Rob Beckett. This is Romesh Ranganathan.

I had no idea these tops were this unforgiving on the nipples.

This is...

If it wasn't sore... Tuck it in a little bit, come on.

You need to wear a girdle or something like that.

Oh, it's awful, this is so bad.

It's given me a new respect for the athleticism of the game.

It's not a flattering outfit, is it?

We'll do some catching cos if you do get the cricket bug,

you will catch more than you will bat or bowl.

It's just the nature of the game. -OK? -Right.

What are you most worried about? Well in the training so far,

I see it coming down, panic and run away.

That's my current technique.

You've been catching some, so I've lost it in the head basically.

My main issue is I have absolutely no depth perception whatsoever.

Yeah. So, I can see there is a ball.

Beyond that, I've got no information.

We have former England captain Nasser Hussain

who's gonna hit some high catches -for you. -OK.

What tips would you give 'em?

If I said "soft hands" to you, -what would that mean? -Warm heart.

So that's bring 'em in.

So, like if you're catching an egg, give with the egg.

Otherwise the egg will splatter. OK.

You say you've no depth perception.

This is your computer, -your brain and your eyes. -OK.

If that's always moving around, you won't pick up the ball,

so keep your head still as possible.

Good luck, guys. OK, thank you.

'And so with still heads and soft hands,

we moved into position for the challenge.'Go for it.

'To make matters worse would be commentating over our attempts,

which wasn't helping the nerves.'

KP: 'So, welcome to the beautiful Newlands Cricket Ground

for this very special catching challenge.

They're each gonna get three attempts to catch the ball,

hit my old mate Nasser Hussain.'

We'll do it in front of your new -friends. -The Barmy Army. Brilliant.

Do you think they've got your back?

No. They are desperate for us to fail.

I've already had abuse.

But you've been in there, drinking with them.

Yeah, I know but... Hi, guys.

It's a bit of support.

'When I trained these boys earlier in the week,

Romesh showed a bit of promise,

so I'm actually expecting big, big things from him.'

Ready?

'Hussain to Romesh, here we go.

He's missed it.

Oh, he should've done better than that.

The Barmy Army are not impressed with that at all.'

Ready?

CROWD: Ohhhh...

'Oh, Rob Beckett.

'I thought I had it. I did have it, but...

You didn't have it, you dropped it. Oh.'

KP: 'Oh, well, it's still nil-nil. What's going on here?'

Hang on, hang on, we've got a change of tactic.

I've got...new glasses. That's what's been letting me down.

So you wear glasses, but you only had sunglasses on.

I only had sunglasses on, but now you're about to see the real Romesh.

'Here we go again. Catch it, Romesh.

Oh, he's missed it. The glasses have made absolutely no difference.'

(ROB CACKLES) 'He knows he should've caught that.'

Right. Hands together.

'Right, second attempt for Rob.

He's under it.'

Oh, so close!

Another dropped ball, another one.

He should have had that and he knows it.

What on earth is he doing?

Final ball for Romesh, here it comes, here it comes.'

Sorry about that, I apologise. Come on, Romesh.

Go Romesh. KP: 'Oh, damn.'

Right, come on, one more. One more.

'Pathetic.'

One more. You've gotta catch one. 'Final ball for Rob.

It's quick, it's up there.

He's got it, he does.' (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Great catch. The Barmy Army are loving it.

Romesh can only watch in disbelief.

Rob's got it. Rob you biscuit, Rob you beauty.'

He's downing a pint . I cannot tell you how happy he is.

Back to the proper cricket when we -come back. -This has been a joke.

'Against the odds I'd won, and I couldn't wait to rub it in.'

Best challenge we've ever done, -I reckon. -That was a joke.

The feeling when I caught that ball.

And then celebrated with the Barmy -Army. -Yeah, but you're not a winner.

Sometimes you win, sometimes I win. No, but...

No, but the thing is... -I'm still talking. -OK, go on.

Surprise, surprise, by the way.

I did drop the ball in training, but I did it when it mattered.

When the pressure was on, I dealt with it.

There is no pressure. The ball's passed to you.

You lost when they said, "Full-kit wanker." Your head went.

That's got nothing to do- Then you changed glasses.

Pathetic, mate. Yeah, so I can see properly.

Sorry that I want full vision for the challenge.

So, you can see the sun? That's the point of sunglasses.

The ball was passed to you.

-No way. -It's not a victory. And also, by the way...

Rather than acknowledging that, rather than going,

"OK, he made it a bit easy for me."

Yeah. "I won, but OK." You ran over...

to the Barmy Army and downed a pint

like it was the most difficult thing ever.

Bottom line is I caught, one you didn't. One-nil.

Victory in South Africa... I'm not...

-..for RB. -I'm not accepting that as a victory.

You played for your school, had trials for your county.

I never had trials for- That was my first game of cricket.

On my last go I caught it, you dropped all of yours.

Do you know what's upsetting? With different glasses on.

It's not that you caught it, OK?

Hm, hm. It's a bit racist.

It's not that... How is that... What is that?

..you caught it. Sharks have got the hump.

I tell you what's bad, you putting a dot on my head and doing that to me.

-See how that looks. -Exactly. Let me tell you something.

It wasn't the fact that you caught -the ball, that's fine. -Yeah.

It's the fact that you celebrated

and now you're making out you achieved a big thing.

-You're out of order. -It's different. You know you're out of order.

So, different thing, I won. You didn't win.

Sshh. Sshh. You didn't... Rob, you did not win.

-Shake my hand. -No because- You want to be civilised.

Zoom up on the handshake.

Don't say something like unity -or something. -Hope.

-Come here. Bring it in. -I'm not -shaking your hand for hope. -Come on.

No, you didn't win that. Goodbye.

I've tried. What more can I do?

The bottom of Table Mountain.

The victorious hand. OK, bring it to a close, mate.

The victorious hand.

Rom and I are in South Africa

getting our heads around the world of international cricket.

Barmy Army! Barmy Army!

Sadly for Romesh, I'd managed to win the catching challenge.

Catch one, catch one!

(CHEERING)

And after witnessing my skills,

we've been invited into Talk Sport Radio's commentary box...

A wonderful start from England.

..to wow the nation with my knowledge of the game

alongside cricket legend Darren Gough

and commentator Neil Manthorp.

MANTHORP: Into the over. All right, it's time to introduce

our very, very special guests, Romesh Ranganathan and Rob Beckett.

They're here in South Africa doing a travelogue, it's fair to say.

You're following the tour.

Yeah, we're doing a documentary about cricket.

I don't know anything. Romesh is a fan

and we're trying to discover more about it. Since the World Cup win,

and stuff like that, and Ben Stokes is becoming a bit of a national treasure,

we're exploring the world of cricket.

What a place to start in South Africa. It's amazing, Rom.

That was a great intro, Rob. I surprised myself.

When I picked the headphones up...

Right, you've got to shut up now. OK.

Here's, er... Cool, right. Banter back on?

We're back in. OK, um... (LAUGHS)

No, you need to let me describe the delivery.

Sorry. Sorry. OK.

It's hard doing the commentary because you've started a story

and you get cut off cos he needs to tell you who they're bowling, so it's not a great...

I wouldn't go on a first date with someone in a commentary booth

cos you try and get to a story, you get cut off by cricket.

You've gotta be quiet when the ball is bowled. Here's Maharaj.

Nudged away out on the legside past square leg for a single

down towards long leg. Total move to 274 for four.

Now you can talk.

That was a lovely little nudge, wasn't it, Rob?

Yeah, it was. Pressure's on though.

I'm constantly trying to think of what to say and trying to find -

Pressure's on who, Rob? Who's the pressure on?

Yeah, you said the pressure's on. On me, me.

He's talking about himself, as usual

He's got no interest in the actual game whatsoever.

Here's Maharaj again. Reverse sweep. What a brilliant shot!

So, in a moment,

towards the end of the stint, you're gonna have an over each.

There are a couple of golden rules you need to know.

You've gotta be the straight guy as the commentator.

As the summariser, Goughy, he's the colour man.

Which one of us two do you think should be the colour man?

(LAUGHTER) Neither of you.

I'm a bit, I'm a bit pink from the sun, to be fair.

That's the whole point. You can't get me, I live in South Africa.

You're not gonna get me on the colour thing.

No, I would never dream of doing that.

Right, shut up, Romesh. The comments man.

Here's Maharaj once again. Last ball of the over outside leg stump

hits the batsman on the pad, offers no shot. 277 for four.

Before we could have a go at actually commentating,

Neil and Darren showed us how it was done.

He's now on the verge, Goughy, he's 99.

Oh, and the worst thing, nightmare for him,

he's on 99, the dreaded 99 and he's got to wait

and he's watching his partner Ben Stokes at the other end.

As Sibley focused on making his maiden century,

the tension in the game was building.

Sibley again pads this one away outside.

And unbeknown to us,

our contribution live on air

was already creating a bit of a stir on social media.

The leg stump. You know, Rob, of course,

why he's kicking the ball away there,

not hitting it with his bat. He's not very good?

No, no, he's... Oh, right, sorry.

Cos I'd go for the bat, personally. But each to their own.

Here's Maharaj once again down the leg side once more,

pitching outside leg stump, Rob, so he can't be LBW.

Leg before wicket? Yes!

Thank you. Excellent.

Trying, trying. Really good, Rob.

The big question, he's got the 99, will he get the Flake?

(LAUGHS)

What do you think? Yeah.

That... I'm not a fan of that, Rom. (LAUGHS)

Less of them, OK? It's quite a big moment.

And then, before Rom could deliver another hilarious

ice-cream-based joke zinger, Sibley shut him up.

Here's, er, Maharaj once again.

Sweet shot from Dom Sibley. And he's done his hundred!

Sibley sweeps Maharaj for four

behind square leg

and in just his seventh innings for England he's reached the hundred.

Well done, Dom Sibley.

What an epic. 289 for four.

Just a reminder that, er, we have Romesh Ranganathan and Rob Beckett

in the commentary box with us and one of them

is going to commentate the next over.

Do you wanna do ball by ball and I go for the colour?

Neither of us are doing the colour.

All right. He's been very clear about that.

There's so much going on.

So who is it, Romesh? Is it you or is it Rob?

What do you wanna do? I don't mind going.

Is it Rabada? Kagiso Rabada.

I'll just go with Rabada at this point.

I don't wanna get, um, cocky. So he's, er,

he's having a think about it.

They're getting into position.

There are a number of players across the field in different places

and, er, he bowls a very fast one at someone.

And yeah, he connects and that's a single.

Solid, solid, solid bat there.

And Darren, what do you think of that?

Yeah, excellent shot there. Rabada just trying to bowl that tight off t'stump line to Ben Stokes.

Ben Stokes surprisingly now he's pushing just one.

I mean after playing some unbelievable extravagant shots so far this morning,

he just decided to come one and give Dom Sibley the strike again.

OK, so Rabada coming in for his second bowl of the over.

Another fast one.

True to form, er, he just jumped out of the way of that one,

caught by number 12 with a little green cap on...

(ROMESH LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY) ..and expecting Rabada to go again.

(LAUGHS) Say as you see it.

I think that's fantastic.

What else do you want from me, Goughy?

I have a modicum of respect for the game, whereas Rob has none.

So what he had was

an ability to just free-flowingly chat shit ad infinitum.

And it didn't matter

that he had zero clue what was going on. He didn't care.

You're here for the info, I'm just describing what's happening.

Well, Rob, there is that crack outside off stump

which I think he used - I did notice that.

Anyway, third big fast one coming at him. Let's see what happens.

Ooh, yeah, er, again, I dunno what happened there

but someone's caught it. Goughy.

So what happened there is that line again just outside off stump.

The crack started opening up...

As Darren tried to salvage the wreckage that was Rob's commentary,

it was time to find out if I could do any better.

So Rabada coming in for his next one.

Sibley plays it away to his left there fairly safely. Gets a single.

Beautiful work from him.

Whoa! Hang on a minute here! Do I need to back that up?

Absolutely spot-on, -fantastic analysis. -Oh, yes!

Romesh was great at commentary because he sounds bored already.

You can't...

I am not built for that kind of commentary, I'm too up.

I can't sustain that for five days, eight hours a day.

Rabada comes in for his next delivery.

Is he getting frustrated? We'll see.

Ooh!

Straight down his throat there! Unbelievable.

He grabbed for it but to no avail.

Am I watching a different game? (LAUGHTER)

It was a short ball from Rabada.

It was a punchy - almost tried to pull from Ben Stokes,

but he didn't quite catch it, it went back past the bowler.

He got one run for it.

Yeah, he did. Was SORT of down his throat.

Having been put in his place by Darren Gough,

Rom began to fall apart.

..by 338, er,

as Rabada steams in again.

Er, er, er...

Ooh, he's left that. He's left that.

There's no, there's no, er, there's no buffet ball there, very tight.

No point going for that.

You're still on the air, Romesh.

Er, and, er, that's the, the end of the over,

er, er, er, yes, they're having a little bit of a break.

Goughy.

I was nervous. Am I gonna be inaccurate?

Rob doesn't care about inaccuracy. Everything he says is inaccurate.

He doesn't say anything that makes any sense.

So why would he care about delivering information?

Right, we'll leave you to it, guys. Thank you very much for popping in.

Been great fun.

And with that, our debuts

and possibly careers as cricket commentators were over.

Two comedians that you will no doubt be very well aware of

if you're into your comedy.

How'd you find that? I found it very difficult.

I don't think the headmaster's impressed with us.

You know when you have school assembly and you're trying not to laugh?

That's what it felt like. He didn't like me.

He didn't like either of us.

Who's gonna be the person of colour out of us two?

Anyone would think I was trying to end his career.

He went, "Don't worry about me, I've lived in South Africa, that's fine." I was like, hmm.

I just... The thing was, I just can't start talking

knowing that there's a certain point which you have to definitely stop.

How do you time your anecdotes? Especially you.

I don't want my banter

to be curtailed by the speed of a man running.

Didn't need the second half of that sentence, I just don't want your banter.

(LAUGHS)

Rob and I are in South Africa

watching England play in the second test in Cape Town.

Today we are back on our way to watch the final day's play

which had the potential to end in a stalemate

and unsurprisingly, Rob wasn't sure if it was worth the effort.

You're pissed off it could end in a draw.

Not because you support England,

but just cos you think what a waste of time this has been.

In all honesty, it's not that I don't enjoy the cricket,

and I do want England to win,

but we play 'em again next week, so it's like: who really cares?

I'm enjoying... (LAUGHS)

They're playing again in a week, who gives a shit?

But I'm enjoying the whole experience of it more than...

For me, it's beyond cricket. Cricket's just a part of it.

So it's your holiday with cricket, basically.

Yeah, cos my mum goes bingo... Yeah.

..for the social as well as the gambling.

Right.

She's not just there for the bingo. Sure.

She likes bingo, but she likes to catch up with her mates.

My mum goes to meet up with -her friends. -Yeah.

She goes to meet up and have a chat.

She also smokes a bit of weed, but that's incidental.

She doesn't go FOR the weed. That's cos that's there.

Yeah. You know. Book club, is it?

That's right, yeah. Bifta club.

Yeah. Uses the books to sort of roll up on.

Got a new bit of skunk. All have a go on it.

(STRONG ASIAN ACCENT) Oh, got a lovely bit of skunk.

I'm so glad you did that, not me. Ranji,

I've rolled that a little bit tight, OK?

Might have to pull on it -a bit harder. -Who's Ranji?

That's one of her friends. (LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY)

Come on, Ranji, stop messing about with it. Pass it on.

(LAUGHS) Selmi, can you pass me the Pringles?

I've got the munchies something rotten.

(SNORTS)

There's something so funny about older Asian women smoking weed.

(THEY LAUGH)

I really wanna join in with them but I can't.

I can't do an older Asian woman's voice.

Go on, do it once. Does she just have - no.

Go on. No!

(BAD ASIAN ACCENT) Oh, Romi. (THEY LAUGH)

Oh, Romi. (LAUGHS)

Oh, Romi, I'm coming up.

(BAD ASIAN ACCENT) Oh, Romi, I'm com-

I can't do it. (LAUGHS)

Oh, Romi, I feel sad.

Oh, Romi, I had too much.

(THEY LAUGH)

That's me doing your mum -four times. -Yeah, yeah.

COMMENTATOR: What a magnificent day.

As the sun shone down on Newlands,

the task ahead for South Africa was simple -

bat for the whole day, drag out a draw

and remain one-nil up in the series.

England, on the other hand, would need to take eight wickets

to claim victory at a ground they haven't won at since 1957.

I had a feeling we were in for a good day.

However, Rob still hadn't grasped the significance of this occasion.

Day five, Romesh. At what point does this become a hostage situation?

And although we took three early wickets,

nothing else exciting happened for ages,

which seems to happen quite a lot in test cricket.

Oh, no. No, just me.

I thought that was something big there.

The big finish I was hoping for had stalled

and even I was growing impatient.

This is agonising, isn't it?

If cricket keeno Rom was struggling, imagine how I was feeling.

Well, I tell you this now, this is gonna be a draw.

After two hours without a wicket, I was starting to lose faith.

But the Barmy Army was as rowdy as ever.

COMMENTATOR: I don't know how they're still going.

The amount that's consumed before the test match,

during the test match, the evening of the test match.

They weren't giving up. Rob, on the other hand...

I wanna see what the...

Oh. Rob's asleep.

(CHEERING) Yes!

Yes! Come on!

Yeah!

COMMENTATOR: That picture tells you all you need to know.

Did you see it? No.

(LAUGHS) Neither did I.

What Sleeping Beauty and I had missed

was Zak Crawley catching Quinton de Kock.

Four more, yes!

Whoo!

But South Africa still had a danger man out there

who was holding firm.

COMMENTATOR: Van der Dussen, been there for almost three hours.

Two men catching in the covers.

So, do we dare dream this could actually happen?

I think it could happen.

COMMENTATOR: Getting closer and closer to crowding the batsman.

(CHEERING) Got him!

Yes! Come on!

Yes! Come on!

It had taken hours, but we'd finally broken the deadlock.

Come on. That was good, weren't it?

Trouble was, time was slipping away

and as the match entered the final hour,

it was looking more and more like South Africa

would drag out a gut-wrenching draw.

COMMENTATOR: The thought will be going through their head

that there may be too much to do now.

South Africa still had three wickets standing

and the game was on a knife edge.

COMMENTATOR: Tension is high very, very deep into day five.

With Jimmy Anderson injured, Ben Stokes was called up to bowl.

COMMENTATOR: He does have the X factor, Ben Stokes.

Is he gonna break it open? What's he gonna do?

How's it gonna go?

He looks focused, Stokes, dun't he?

Rob's nap must have done him some good

because that was the first intelligent observation he'd made all week.

Ooh! And you know what,

he was absolutely right.

With every ball, Stokes was getting closer and closer.

Oh!

COMMENTATOR: Ben Stokes using every last ounce of energy that he has.

But South Africa were holding on.

Just.

COMMENTATOR: It's too good this reverse swing, I tell you.

Way too good. They're fantastic deliveries.

The fact that he can do that proves,

it just illustrates how much England support there is here today,

how much there's been throughout this test match.

Come on, England!

Yes! Come on!

Yes!

COMMENTATOR: It's taken.

It's a good take as well by Joe Root.

It's on, mate. It's on. Two more.

Come on!

Stokes had delivered, and as South Africa's

ninth and penultimate batsman Anrich Nortje came in,

even Rob was on the edge of his seat.

This ball is the most likely -to get him out. -Come on!

First ball, come on. First ball, come on.

Yes! COMMENTATOR: Two in a row.

What a catch that is! Come on!

Come on! Come on, England!

Yes! That was mental.

Yes! How did he catch that?

Yes, England!

COMMENTATOR: Crawley, with a stunner.

It was a spectacular catch by Zak Crawley and we were back.

I mean I was ready to quit on this sport... Yeah.

..just ten minutes ago.

(LAUGHS) It is now the best thing I've ever seen.

Oh, my God, I'm absolutely buzzing.

There was only one wicket standing between England and a historic win.

COMMENTATOR: Now one of the great cricketers of the modern game,

Ben Stokes.

Steaming in.

Bowling with skill, heart and fire.

Come on, England. Come on, England.

COMMENTATOR: Hearts are beating fast all around this ground.

Catch that. Yes!

BOTH: Yes! Come on!

COMMENTATOR: England win the second test match.

Yes!

Come on!

COMMENTATOR: For the first time since 1957,

England win in Cape Town.

That was amazing!

Oh, yes!

Ben Stokes had made the difference.

An English hero who never gives up.

Just like us.

I always knew we were gonna do it.

Yeah, I never doubted it. I always had faith.

And do you know what, -I enjoyed all of it. -Yeah.

There was never a point where I dropped out of it and thought -

No point did I not believe... No.

..or was bored by the process.

It was an unbelievable end to the day

and to top it off we were invited onto the field

to soak in the atmosphere.

Hello. (CROWD BOOS)

Are we getting booed or clapped? I dunno.

Oh, this is a nightmare. Yeah, I know this is awful.

This is an absolute nightmare. They hate us

and love us at the same time, it's horrendous.

(CROWD CHANT)

What is this?

(LAUGHS) (CROWD CHANTS)

(LAUGHS)

Who are they?

(LAUGHS)

I was just gonna say it's ab...

It's so bad that we're, we're allowed to do this.

I know, I feel guilty.

Barmy Army. Yeah.

They were going for it even when it looked like it was a lost cause.

They were going for it the whole way. You and I, let's be absolutely honest...

I gave up. ..we dipped out.

I tapped out about quarter past two.

And it does feel almost a bit bad,

but then when it goes our way, we're suddenly up for it -and shouting our heads off. -Yeah.

We didn't support as well as we could've. We let the side down a bit.

I would say I'm a cricket fan

if that means that I'm in Cape Town in 30 degrees

and we win a five-day thriller. Yes.

We were there, mate. Two hours it took to get one.

I was on my phone, you were asleep, but we were there.

Yeah, I was unconscious but that's not the point.

Right, let's go for a drink.

Barmy Army?

Billy trumpet's getting a round in.

So our cricket tour was over

but we couldn't leave the Rainbow Nation

without giving Rom one last chance to catch a ball.

Argh!

(LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY)

Right in the chunder pool that was, mate.

-♪ 10 -CC: Dreadlock Holiday

♪ I was walking down the street... Get it, Romesh!

What do you mean get it? It's not a joint effort, you prick. You're supposed to catch it.

Idiot.

Good luck, mate. Thanks, mate.

Orange bat twat. What?

Orange bat twat. Why do you have to always reiterate to my hair, mate?

You've got him.

Yeah! Oh.

Actions speak louder than words, pal.

Yes! How's that! Yes, Romesh, give him some shit.

Piss off, Bairstow, you wanker.

♪ I say I don't like cricket

♪ Oh, no

Oh!

♪ I love it

(LAUGHTER)

♪ I don't like cricket

♪ No, no

♪ I love it

♪ Don't you walk through my words

♪ You got to show some respect

♪ Don't you walk through my words

♪ Cos you ain't heard me out yet... ♪

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