Original subtitles

Romesh and I are back.

This place is outrageous, Rom.

We're not getting any younger.

And there's a lot of stuff out there we know nothing about.

Tracking a rhino.

In this series, we're on a journey of discovery.

Am I into death metal?

Over the next four episodes...

we'll be delving into the worlds of basketball...

ballet... I look like a circus strongman.

..and cricket... -Aaargh! -Romesh!

..to find what we like. (CHEERING)

And what we don't. (SCREAMING)

We might even discover a hidden talent.

(CRIES OUT)

Or we might just end up humiliating ourselves.

You booked us into a spa and now we're having tubes up our arse.

This week we're going to learn all about ballet.

Hello. BEETHOVEN: Fifth Symphony

And it's fair to say it's something we know nothing about.

We've been given behind the scenes access... (SNIGGERS)

..to one of the most prestigious ballet companies in the world.

-Hello! -I'm enjoying ballet, but also trying not to cry.

We'll train like ballerinas... Surrender to the pain.

(BOTH SCREAM) We'll meet one of the greatest dancers of all time...

Ballet is the ultimate art form.

Before taking to the stage in a real production of Swan Lake.

What's happening?

So, Rombo. Ballet. Are you a fan of it?

Am I a fan of it?

It feels a bit like it's a sort of thing that people do cos they feel like they should.

-Yes. -They want to seem cultured, so they go and watch the ballet.

Are you nervous about doing this?

I'm more worried about the outfit than the....Oh, my God.

I hadn't even thought about it.

All I know is dancers' bodies are the best bodies in the world.

Lisa keeps telling me that. I'm gonna ask you a question. I know the answer.

I said, "Do you feel more confident about your body?"

And what you told me the other day when you got out of the shower -really made me laugh. -Oh, my God.

(LAUGHS)

You caught sight of your naked body... Cos it's such a big mirror.

You caught sight of your naked body and what did you say?

I hate your body. (LAUGHS)

Who was you talking to?

"I hate your body." Looking at yourself alone.I...

Who's in charge of it?

It was such a bleak moment. "I hate your body."

It's just sort of, like... After I said it,

I just stood there staring myself out for a bit longer.

Then went and had a shower like a pathetic, fat, little tubby prick.

So, Romesh, we're en route to one of the most, you know, famous

and respected ballet companies in the world.

Where we going? Russia? No.

Vienna? Nope. Closer to home.

We're going to Birmingham!

The second largest city in the UK and home to the M6.

And the Birmingham Royal Ballet:

one of the world's finest ballet companies,

and for the next 24 hours, they were gonna get two brand-new recruits.

We're both gonna be awful. But let's face it,

I can't be any worse than Romesh at ballet. Surely.

Can he dance?

Rob cannot dance. And when I say cannot dance,

I don't mean he can't do ballet.

I mean, Rob can't even do a side to side step at a wedding.

He's got absolutely no rhythm.

There's no connection between what Rob does

and the music that's playing.

Fortunately for us, though...

Oh, hello, Marion. -Oh, hi. -Rob. Lovely to meet you.

..assistant director and ballet royalty, Marion Tait,

was on hand to take us under her wing.

-Thank you very much. -What have we got in store for you today?

You're putting us through our paces. You know, you know what the plan is?

You've got a full day, you've got a class.

You're gonna get to know some dancers. They're gonna -put you through your paces. -OK.

So are we being assessed today? Is that what's happening?

I think for your sakes, you need to have a feel of what ballet is.

-Yes. -Have you ever done ballet? BOTH: No.

-No. -No. OK.

-No, never. -But actually, there's quite a lot of acting.

He's been in a sitcom. You've done -some acting. -I've done some acting.

You played... What was the bloke you played?

Romesh. Romesh, yes, he played.

Yeah. Sort of, played the downbeat kind of Asian bloke.

Anyway, we need to get you working. Perfect. Thank you very much.

See you later. Good luck. Thank you for the opportunities. We won't let you down.

-I hope you survive. -Thank you -very much. See you later. -Goodbye.

♪ The Nutcracker, Op.71

But before we're allowed to hit the dance floor,

ballet master Dominic Antonucci

invited us to watch him and the company in training...

..so we could see exactly what we had let ourselves in for.

You're welcome to join in anytime.

Thanks. Thanks. We will just jump in if necessary.

Second group, please. (PIANO MUSIC)

I feel like I don't know these people well enough to watch them.

I feel like it's seeing a different species.

Stretch doing the battement, don't give in.

I struggle to put my arms out for that long.

Straight to the floor. (PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES)

See that? Spinning on tiptoes. Impossible.

It was becoming very apparent that Rom and I

might have bitten off more than we can chew.

And although I was trying hard to concentrate,

there was one serious question on my mind.

Why have they all got such massive cocks?

(DOMINIC GIVES INSTRUCTION)

There must be something in their shorts as well as their penis.

I'm already thinking, what am I gonna do with my...

I, um...

Look at his arse. It's absolutely incredible.

I don't know where to look. I know where to look.

You just don't wanna get caught.

I'm sorry to be base.

The arses on those blokes are absolutely breathtaking.

Look at it. Their physiques are insane.

What am I gonna do? I've got zero arse.

I think in ballet my arse might be a disability.

Let's take a front in, side in.

However, Romesh having no arse was the least of our problems.

Side in, tendu close, a battement close.

And tendu, pas de bourree, straight to the fourth.

Everything was in French. I didn't know what was going on.

One, tendu, battement and tombe pas de bourree, squeezing the fourth.

I can't understand instructions and I've not got the body for it.

What's going to happen? I don't know what you want from me.

And even if I did, I couldn't deliver it. Welcome to ballet.

We can't do it. I know that sounds like an obvious thing.

But we can't even begin to do it.

It should be illegal for us to think about doing it.

Hope to see you later. Yes, sure.

Gonna be my partner? Well, I don't know about that.

-We'll see. We'll see. -Allow me to -hope. -OK, I hope so. Thank you.

So, it was fair to say we weren't feeling very optimistic,

but it was hard to see how things could get any worse.

We're dead. We are so dead.

♪ Swan Lake, Op.20

And then they did.

That training costume that we wore,

is one of the worst outfits I've ever worn.

It's absolutely awful. We look like shit.

-Hello. -Well, we have some new additions to our class today.

Yeah. Welcome, Rob.

I've got a couple of new additions to my insecurities as well I didn't know about.

I can't see this ending well.

All right, guys, we're gonna take you through the basics of ballet. BOTH: OK.

The dancers are now gonna show you the five positions of ballet.

So, we're taking first position.

Arms forward in a circle.

So we're making a nice circle with the arms. That's it.

I look like a circus strong man. (LAUGHS)

-You do a bit. -This is a lot for me to take in visually.

From my own reflection and from that.

(LAUGHTER)

The thing that I was surprised by is that the moves they were showing us,

they were the simplest ballet moves you could possibly show someone.

And I found them impossible.

Oh! No.

Oh, God, I can't do it. I can't -do it, Rob. -You can. Keep going.

It's fine.

Oh... (LAUGHS)

I know mine's shit, but what the fuck was that?

It was at that point that I thought this is the absolute worst,

Morale's low, isn't it? I saw that in your eyes there.

I... It's...it's... I'm enjoying ballet, but also trying not to cry.

So it's sort of... it's a sort of a rollercoaster for me.

And then... Rob Beckett turned out to be good at it.

When the dancer moves from one position to the next

they always point their feet.

You have beautiful feet, sir. Do I?

We need to work on those. -OK. -Is that good?

That's very good. Yes. Oh, hello!

Out of the box. Very nice.

Rob Beckett is good at ballet.

I couldn't have foreseen that's what I'd say to you.

He's got no musicality in him at all.

But, my God, is he graceful!

Yeah, see. Like that, loving it. Yeah, so a little bit lower.

Yeah, perfect. Oh, my God.

I'd say without wanting to blow my own trumpet,

I think I had more of a natural...

you know, vibe towards ballet.

OK. I'm going to grab you shortly.

It just felt like it came naturally to me.

Where the whole time, Romesh looked like a panicked egg.

Oh, Jesus. I'm so sorry.

Was that my fault or hers? Try again.(LAUGHTER)

Ready? Matthew, thank you.

(PIANO MUSIC)

Having smashed the basics

next Rom and I had to take everything we had learned

and put it together in our very own ballet routine.

Which was fine...for me.

(PIANO MUSIC)

Right, men. That's what you're gonna be doing. That's the sequence. We got that.

I'm just... We can't do that.

They're gonna give you -a little bit of a clue. -A clue?

And by clue you mean demonstrating it right there.(LAUGHTER)

Because if that's not the clue, -this ain't happening. -OK.

Let's do once with a bit of help and then we'll do it without them after.

Yeah, we'll build up to... Who the hell are you?

I'm trying to be the bridge between happy people and you.

-I'm happy. -You are not happy. I am happy.

This is a wonderful experience. It's just I'm even worse than you at this.

(LAUGHTER) And...that is difficult.

I'm processing that.

So it takes a little bit of... Do you know what I mean?

So let's just fucking do it. (LAUGHS)

(PIANO PLAYS MUSIC FROM SWAN LAKE)

-That was good. -Yes. I absolutely smashed it over here.

I saw that. Did you do yours all right?

I don't know. You did know. You absolute prick.

(LAUGHTER) A hundred percent you knew.

The ballet master, right, loved Rob.

That's lovely flow, Rob.

"Rob, you're so natural." Then the others,

obviously they're kissing the master's arse as well,

so they're, "Rob, you are great."

Well done, Rob. You've learned so much in a short space of time. Thanks, mate.

Just keep going and learn, and you pick bits up as you go, don't you?

I'm a natural. You've seen my pointy toes. Powerful thighs.

Good, Rob. Excellent, that is excellent.

I think if I did ballet when I was younger, maybe it could have been my thing.

Well done.

Well done.

Rob Beckett, when he's good at something...

I don't wanna be anywhere near him.

♪ Pomp And Circumstance

Rob and I are in Birmingham to train with the city's prestigious

Birmingham Royal Ballet Company.

And pas...

After watching the professionals in action...

We are bang in trouble.

..and taken to the dancefloor ourselves...

We look like shit.

..it turns out that frustratingly

Good, Rob.

..Rob Beckett is one graceful little prick.

Welcome to ballet.

(MUSIC ENDS)

So how's the day been?

I would describe it as difficult. Yeah. Up and down.

Well, the plan is to get you two on

in a serious production of Swan Lake.

OK. Are we gonna be in it? That's the idea.

Swan Lake is a big deal, isn't it?

It is a huge classic ballet.

It's one of our heritage pieces, which we are very proud of.

I know you take this...this sort of challenge very seriously.

Of course. I have found you a role.

So we're gonna be in Swan Lake? You are. You are.

♪ Swan Lake, Op.20

When it comes to ballet, they don't get any more iconic than Swan Lake.

At over 100 years old,

it's still one of the most performed ballets in the world.

And I, for one, am ready for my big break.

Court... It's court gent. Court gent. Now...

You are the first people that the audience see

when the curtain goes up on the Queen's Palace.

OK? You are very important... Yes.

..to the atmosphere of this Act III,

which opens in the Queen's Palace. Is it quite a big part?

If you approach this in the serious manner that you have done...

Of course. ..during today,

I think it will be very challenging, but very rewarding.

We will not let you down. OK.

♪ Radetzky March Op.228

Incredibly, Marion had entrusted us with two roles in Swan Lake,

and unsurprisingly, Rob was overconfident.

I'm excited and nervous about Swan Lake,

because let's be honest, if I have a blinder,

lose two stone, get ripped, I've got a new career.

I can't visualise a way

in which this is gonna be anything other than a disaster.

And by disaster I mean me being shit and Rob absolutely smashing it.

So as we were now fully-fledged members

of the Birmingham Royal Ballet Company,

off we went to make-up and wardrobe.

Look at that. Gorge, look at that.

Oh, I actually like having hair this length.

-I think you get away with it. -Can you imagine you're at a nightclub?

She looks quite stylish.

Ooh, she's nice. Hey.

Urgh! (LAUGHTER)

Excuse me, mate, know where the toilets are?

Yes, I do, He-Man.

(LAUGHTER)

-What do you reckon? -I actually think weirdly that kind of suits you.

Oh, hello. Am I into death metal?

How heavy do I like my metal? Very heavy.

(GIGGLING)

This is my favourite. You know what? That's the first one

that actually looks like -it could be your hair. -Yeah.

I don't do telly for a few years. What happened to Beckett?

Hi. I'll be on Through The Keyhole.

-Yeah. -Yeah, it's just got a lot of gothic stuff.

You seen Beckett's opened -that comic book shop? -I love bats.

I love bats, comics and rock-hard riffs.

Know what's so good about it? You've got the wig - the outfit's complete.

That's exactly how they'd be. -Yeah. -The outfit... Yeah.

Well, I opened the erm...

Silver Samurai sword shop in '93.

(LAUGHTER)

Having tried on nearly every wig in the department,

it was finally time to be fitted for the wigs we'd be wearing onstage.

Oh, hello.

And they weren't quite what we were expecting.

-Oh, hello. -You've got a little crown that goes over the top.

Oh, no. (GUFFAWS)

It's good. Loads of... (CONTINUES LAUGHING)

Right, if you just come round to -the side here. -What am I playing?

What's my role, paedophile?

Just lower that onto your head. -OK. -And move your fingers.

Do... I feel like I need a moustache.

You have got a moustache. -Thank you. -Thank God.

You can't go curtains and... Can you imagine? He comes on like that.

Are you ready for your -crowning glory? -Yes, please.

Let's spin you around a little bit. And this...

is what instigated the CRB check.

♪ Duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-dah! (LAUGHTER)

Hi. I've come for the job about the au pair.

Welcome to parents' evening. I honestly... Your child...

Welcome to parents' evening. Your child has been excellent this year.

I don't think you can look more like a paedophile than you do.

You look like such a paedophile that other paedophiles would not hang out with you.

Yeah, I'm a giveaway. -Yeah. -The net would close in.

You'd blow their cover. As a mate... Yeah.

..I think you're a good-looking guy.

But right now you look so horrible, I can't even deal with it.

Just looming... Imagine this -looming over you. -So disgusting.

Just sweating. Happy anniversary.

(LAUGHTER)

♪ JOHANN STRAUSS II: Voices Of Spring

-Hello. -Hello. Oh, hiya. I'm Rob.

Nice to meet you. Hi.

With our wigs sorted, it was time to try on our costumes.

And straightaway it was obvious that Rob and I were expected to embrace

the full ballet dancer experience.

All right. OK. Where's that go?

Erm... Normally you'd wear this underneath.

So that on flesh? It goes onto nak...onto flesh?

Is that a new one? And then after we've tried that on will you burn it?

So, are we just... Hang on. Are we just putting this on?

With no pants? What?

I don't know what's, like, telly now and what's real life.

(LAUGHTER)

Costume fitting was one of the top three

most humiliating things I've ever done.

Probably won't get my knob and bollocks out. Just put them on -over my pants. -OK. Sure.

The other two are part of this series as well. So we're smashing that.

(SNIGGERS) Keep laughing at this point.

I'd rather people laugh -at this stage. -Sorry.

It's just that we've met these ladies less than a minute ago.

(LAUGHTER) I know. God.

Oh, that's gone right up, hasn't it?

Do you want a T-shirt? Ohhh!

What's up? What's wrong?

You suddenly... Have a look at me. What do you think's wrong?

A lot of clothes, baggy and tight.

Oh, that's not very nice, is it, that?

I can give you a black t-shirt to wear under it. That's disg... That is horrible.

OK. Come on, Romesh, let's do this.

I would describe the costume fitting as needlessly humiliating.

(LAUGHTER) Oh, God.

Putting the jockstrap on: embarrassing, humiliating.

That is invasive, that jockstrap. That gets right in there.

Oh, my God. Yeah.

Like, buy me a drink first in there.

Can we please get a top half layer on, urgently?

Thank you. Oh, that's done it.

That's covered up all... That's covered up all the business areas.

Thank God for that. Yeah.

Then we've gotta put some boots on. Hugely embarrassing.

And then put a massive coat on that covers everything up.

Oh, Jesus. It's heavy, innit?

OK. -You look great. -Yeah?

Why have I been given a jockstrap?

First of all tell us that we're gonna wear a massive coat

and then let's decide how much detail's gotta go underneath.

Right. We're gonna head off -to the Bullring. -Yeah.

Go Nando's or something.

Finishing touch.

♪ JOHANN STRAUSS II: On The Beautiful Blue Danube

Look at that. Come on.

But before we were allowed to strut our stuff in the Bullring,

Marion had one final surprise...

as principal dancer Tyrone Singleton introduced us to the perfect way

to wind down after a busy day of ballet.

-OK. -So, basically, as a professional ballet dancer,

after a day's full hard work,

the best way to recuperate your muscles

is to dunk yourself in this ice bath.

So...over to you.

Good luck.

I'm not doing this. This is mental, isn't it?

Go. Right. I'll go this side.

I'll get over... No, I'm not going in.

It's like doing a shot, right? OK.

OK. Feet.

(GASPS, CRIES OUT)

-Oi! -It's cold. It's getting worse, it's getting worse.

It's not getting warm. You're supposed to get used to it.

Aaargh!

Aaargh! I can't do it.

I can't do this. I can't do this. I cannot do that. Oh, my god!

(BOTH CRY OUT)

Oh!

You all right, guys? It doesn't... I can't...

It's impossible to do, mate.

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie. It's not pleasant.

But you just gotta, like, surrender to the pain.

You just have to go for it. OK.

I'm not gonna lie, you've just gotta jump in.

Gotta commit. Go for it.

(BOTH SCREAM AND YELL)

(SCREAMS INTENSIFY)

(SCREAMING AND YELLING)

Help! Someone help. Someone help! Someone help!

Oh! Oh! Oh, my God!

-Hey. -Fuck you, Tyrone! Oh, God, Tyrone!

(YELLS)

(YELLING AND PANTING)

(WHIMPERS) (TYRONE LAUGHING)

God. That is mental.

Did the training, done the ice bath.

Now I'm gonna spend the next hour trying to find my dick. Let's go.

OK. I don't think it's in there.

♪ JOHANN STRAUSS II: Tritsch-Tratsch-Polka, Op.214

Rob and I have been training hard.

Good, Rob.

As tomorrow night, we'll be taking to the stage

to perform in the Birmingham Royal Ballet's

touring production of Swan Lake.

We've got the costumes.

Oh, my God. Yeah.

We've even got the hair.

(LAUGHS)

Now, all we had to do was try not to humiliate ourselves

in front of some of the world's greatest ballet dancers.

Come on, Romesh!

I can't see this ending well.

How you feeling about Swan Lake, performing?

Well, first of all take the smugness -out of your voice. -What?

Cos I know that you're feeling great about it. You're a natural.

I'm in a good place. What can I say?

-What about you? -Well, I've been meaning to talk to you about this.

OK. When we chat on the phone

before we're about to go out and do these things... Yeah. ..gonna do the challenge,

you always say to me: "We're comedians.

We're supposed to be shit at stuff. Don't worry about it, relax."

Until you have a sniff that you might be good at something.

And then... you become an absolute wanker.

Then all of a sudden, it's all about succeeding.

It's all about absolutely smashing it.

When does that happen? When does that happen?

Mate, any time that it looks like you might be good at something,

you become a complete tosser. -Isn't everyone like that? -No.

I don't mind if -you become like that, right? -Yeah.

But it's just the fact that you reason because you think you might be shit as well,

so then you're being all gentle, gentle.

"No, Rom, don't worry. We're just trying to make a show. Relax."

And then suddenly, "Oh, you're a bit.. Just shit, mate.

You're shit!" No, but you've... I've been...

"How come you're so shit at this, Rom? How come you're crap at this?"

Let's run through the challenges. Right?

NFL. You were better at catching it than me. Right?

You actually caught one in training. We were both bad at the event.

Until... Until you thought you'd won and then you become a tosser.

So there you go. There's one. What's the next one?

Jamaica dancing. -We were both bad at that. -Yeah, OK.

-You were better than me. -You didn't dispute... So, there you go.

You discovered one I was better at, then it's all about us doing it -together. -Nashville.

You were better than me at the country singing.

And then it's all a journey. It's all about us together.

We're in it together. Modelling: I changed.

Yeah, of course you did. When that good photo came out.

"Oh, I don't know why you... It's weird, innit?

You'd have thought that you'd be better at it cos you're straight-faced all the time.

It turns out I'm really good at it. Who would've known?"

Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah.

But before I could kick-start my new career in ballet,

Marion had invited Romesh and I to Southampton

to watch tonight's performance of Swan Lake

on the very stage we'll be dancing on tomorrow.

I'm actually quite excited. Are you? Why?

Now we're in here, bit of a buzz. Loads of people. 3,000...

3,000 people in here watching a ballet.

Yeah. I'm up for it. It's exciting.

Would you ever come on a date night with Lisa?

This is like a date night activity, isn't it?

Well, the problem we have is we're not really into the same things.

So every single time we go out, -one of us makes a compromise. -OK.

What about you? We don't really do date night.

What we may do is get a takeaway.

And then have, like, a couple of bottles of wine.

And then I'll start the er... you know, the... Yeah.

Hi, babe. Yeah.

Just a bit of that. Yeah.

And then...fingers crossed for... Fingers crossed?

That feels like a weird way -to do it. -That's how she gets off.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Do you think this is appropriate chat for the ballet?

Cos I don't.

(ORCHESTRA STRIKES UP) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)

With less than a day to go before it's our turn on the stage,

tonight was our one and only chance

to familiarise ourselves with the production.

But while the dancers' physiques were there for all to see,

the story was a little harder to define.

The best way to describe how I found that first section was...

impenetrable.

(MUSIC FROM SWAN LAKE)

But just then, dancers wearing very familiar costumes took to the stage,

giving Rob and I a chance to finally see what we'd be doing.

(APPLAUSE)

♪ TCHAIKOVSKY: Swan Lake Main Theme

By this point, we'd both given up

trying to figure out what was going on.

So Rob decided to entertain himself by narrating the performance.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Rob and I were...struggling.

It sounds disrespectful, I don't mean it to be.

It's just that we just sort of thought this is exactly...

what we thought it was gonna be in a bad way.

You know, I'm not gonna be able to access this. I'm not enjoying it at all.

And then as soon as that second act started...

♪ Entrance Of Swans

(APPLAUSE)

♪ Dance Of The Little Swans

They turn up at that lake. All those cygnets come out.

♪ Dance Of The Little Swans

Just all of their feet, just...

It was beautiful.

(APPLAUSE)

So to our surprise, we'd enjoyed the show.

MAN: Come in.

Which was just as well because we'd been invited backstage

to meet the Birmingham Royal Ballet's new creative director,

and ballet living legend, Carlos Acosta.

Carlos is not your typical ballet dancer.

Raised on the mean streets of Cuba,

he went on to become arguably the greatest dancer of his generation.

Imagine Messi and Ronaldo rolled into one.

But as a ballet dancer. That is Carlos Acosta.

So, you've seen Swan Lake? -Yes. -It was amazing.

How do you get on? It was very, very good. Very good.

What I noticed was, first of all, the...the...

if you don't mind me saying, on the male ballet dancers

the arses on those men is -absolutely breathtaking. -Oh, rump!

Why are their arses so big, Carlos? Eight hours every day - that's pure muscle.

Just squatting. You know, lifting the leg, jumping.

That's what...what you do. It's like it needs a new name.

No... It's not an arse any more.

Yeah, I would just say the bottom half of those costumes,

I would say is quite unforgiving.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, like...not for Carlos.

-No, not for you, sure. -For us. But for normal humans...

I think that may be us. Do you know what I mean?

-No, no, no, Romesh. -Yeah? The problem's you.

Yes. No, I appreciate that, sorry. The trousers are fine.

I don't wanna blow my own trumpet, I've lost a bit of weight.

My tits have got a little bit smaller, right?

I used to have moobs. They've gone down.

However, I don't know if I've now got

sort of like tits at the bottom of my back.

But I don't know if they're new or if they've always been there.

But I didn't notice them until they went down.

I'm not sure what your question is.

The question is... Yeah.

Erm... I just wanted to tell you I've been doing some...working out.

(ALL LAUGH)

You don't dance as much now, obviously. But do you miss it?

What do you try and replace that buzz with?

Or can you not replace it? Man, no. You can't replace it.

(LAUGHTER) It's so addictive.

And it's just so wonderful.

You know, it's when I feel the most happy when I'm on stage.

It's...it's incredible, man. It's like...

It's profound, you know?

It's like when you're there, you...

you know, you have the... the costume.

And you are in that space, that black box.

And the music and the adrenaline, and the full orchestra.

And, you know, it's just incredible.

-You know? -And the ultimate dream was to be in Birmingham.

(LAUGHS)

But er... It is one of the most respected ballet companies in the world.

Yeah. But as a city, it's great...

I mean, I don't wanna get grief from the people of Birmingham here.

Watch out, watch out how you're talking.

If I could go to somewhere else on holiday... Yeah.

I go would go there -other than Birmingham. -Sure.

We're gonna be performing in Swan Lake.

What advice would you give us for our first performance of Swan Lake?

Live the world on stage and interact as much as you can

because it's something special, man.

-Amazing. -And just enjoy it. I mean, Tchaikovsky music.

What better music? It's the best. Yeah.

-You're a big fan. -It's always been your favourite.

Yeah, what's your favourite track? Erm...

-The first one he did. -Yeah. (LAUGHTER)

Cheers, Carlos. It's been amazing. Thank you so much.

-Appreciate it. -Thank you so much. Cheers. We won't let you down.

Yeah! That's it. Well, we probably will.

You will.

-Swan Lake? -Yeah, I'm actually feeling optimistic about ballet now.

I'm pleasantly surprised. -Me too. -OK.

I'm in the "could be a fan" category. Where you are at?

I'm in the "could be a fan" category -as well. -Welcome to the club.

No, that's not... Hold on. You can't say welcome to the club. We're in the club at the same time.

-OK. -You're not the guardian of the club.

I feel like I'm in charge of the club.

No, you're not in charge -of the club. -I feel like...

I know your people think you're in charge of the club for many years.

But we're in the club now. Deal with it. OK. But I still started the club.

You can't change that. You're allowed in now.

Which I think is good. (LAUGHS) Let's go.

It's not "welcome to the club".

We're both going into the club together.

OK, but I've gotta go in first to make sure we get in.

"I've got a brown mate with me. Is it all right?""Yeah, he's fine."

Romesh and I have been taking on the world of ballet.

And after being put through our paces

it had become apparent that one of us was clearly a natural.

Good, Rob. Excellent.

And in just a few hours' time,

we'll be putting these new skills to the test

and performing alongside the Birmingham Royal Ballet

in a sold-out production of Swan Lake.

I can't visualise a way

in which this is gonna be anything other than a disaster.

Excited, a bit of ballet? I wouldn't say I'm excited, no.

I know you're excited because you think you're gonna smash it.

It could be the first day of my new life. Who knows?

Well, everybody knows, apart from you, it seems.

You're not gonna a ballet dancer.

What more could I have done up until this point to become a ballet dancer? Actually be good at it.

I was all right. I did well enough. You were better than me.

They said a natural. Not my words. The words of Dominic.

Stop trying to bring me down. -I'm excited. -OK. Great. Let's go.

See? Graceful.

But as we made our way on stage for final rehearsal...

Hello? You all right?

..Marion had some news for us that would burst Rob's little bubble.

We've got a change of plan. -All right. -Meet Claudia.

Hello, Claudia. Hello. Nice to meet you.

-Romesh, meet Bella. -Hello, Bella. Nice to meet you. You all right?

Romesh and Bella, -get to stage right. -OK.

Now, a slight change. So, second eight.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Now, you and Romesh are gonna walk to each other.

Look at each other and just think of looking

at your court lady and going back to her.

OK. OK. Try it.

Stepping out, walking in.

Two, three, prepare.

And bow, six, seven, eight. Walk.

One, two, three. Don't swing the arms and back to your girl.

-That'll do. -Bit of an embarrassing squeaky noise.

If you do that with style, that would be fine. OK?

Throughout the whole rehearsal, all of the dancers and Marion

have all been saying, "You're doing so well, You're doing so great.

Gosh, we didn't expect you to be this good.

Wow, you've really taken to it."

OK? And all of that means Jack shit

because they've given us walking parts.

Walk. Two... Yes.

..three, four, turn.

Six. Good, guys.

This is looking better. The rehearsals were very quick.

And I don't know if I wasn't taking it in properly,

but it felt like we weren't doing anything.

I don't wanna be needy, but I don't think you're using the most of me.

I'm actually automatically... He's doing the left side which is harder.

-Yes.Aren't you? -That's harder? Yes, that's harder.

Is it? I'm absolutely buzzing.

It couldn't have gone better for me.

Could I just have the three ambassadors?

Rob, on the other hand...

-Cos I've got a full in me. -Sit down. But that's too much?

So you want a single? You're upstaging the principals.

We've both got shit parts. How do you like that, dickhead?

I haven't got time. I've got to rehearse the rest of the company.

(SNIGGERS)

So, even after our efforts in training,

it turns out that Marion had cut our parts down

and I was not happy about it.

I can't help feeling that you're a little bit...a little bit upset.

Well, at one point... Cos you were so good at the ballet, weren't you in the training.

Oh, OK. Now we've got the same part.

-Yes. -Walking on. I was a little bit annoyed.

Has it damaged your ego a little bit, Rob?

Maybe it's body diversity. Maybe I look too much like a ballet dancer.

It's just, like, "Oh, whatever. Another one of them."

And then you're there. "Look, a normal guy."

Do you know what you look like? You look like you should be sat on top of a wall.

Oh! If you want me to be honest.

You think I look like Humpty Dumpty?

(LAUGHS)

Coming from a man that when he laughs his belly moves.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Curtains up was now less than 30 minutes away.

Giving us just enough time to loosen up...

Can you feel any arse at all?

(LAUGHS)

Get into our hair and makeup...

What period is this from?

I'd say '70s radio DJ period.

And as the audience started to take their seats,

slip into costume... Oh, God, I forgot how heavy this was.

..and make our way to the stage.

(MUSIC FROM SWAN LAKE)

Are you feeling nervous? Am I feeling nervous?

About making my ballet debut? Yeah.

Our heavyweight costumes weren't helping our nerves.

But, thankfully, we weren't the only ones suffering.

Nice, nice, nice. -What are you? -You look great.

I'm a pope. You're a pope.

Well... I'm the Italian ambassador. I look like an Italian princess.

You look like a princess from a Star Wars prequel.

Are you keeping the glasses on? Yeah. It's authentic.

He should take them off. My courtly gentleman wore glasses.

No-one had glasses in this era. Yes, they did.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Rob, one of the fellow dancers.

Erm... Romesh has got his.. -Oh, God. -What was that?

Romesh has got his glasses on. Yeah.

Should he have glasses on for this

or should he take them off if he's in costume?

That's not my decision to make. What would you do if you had to wear glasses?

I mean, I wear glasses. I wear contacts for shows.

So you've prepared? You wouldn't ever wear them in a performance?

And you wear glasses? What, -all the time you need them? -Yeah.

Me too. I've got contacts in. Just another question.

Would you ever do a performance looking like a paedophile?

Happy? I'll take the glasses off. Thank you.

I'll just have them here in case I need them. Perfect. Great compromise.

OK? Yeah, fine. I'm fine with that.

(MUSIC BUILDS)

So here we go.

As the second act began,

Romesh and I got ready to step out on the stage for our ballet debut.

♪ Swan Lake, Op.20, Act II

As we strode confidently across the stage...

..completed our pirouettes

and walked back to our partners...

..we had done it.

Yep, the Birmingham Royal Ballet

had been so utterly disappointed with our ballet skills,

all they'd given us to do was one tiny spin.

But I didn't care.

As far as I was concerned, we were ballet dancers.

And as far as we could tell, our job now was to keep quiet

and remain on stage for the rest of the performance.

With our big moment complete

we were now nothing more than glorified extras.

Which, as our court ladies told us, meant we'd have to act.

(APPLAUSE)

(ORCHESTRA PLAYS)

As one scene led to another, Rom and I eventually found ourselves

acting opposite each other.

We still had no idea what was actually going on.

But...we started to get into it.

♪ Swan Lake Main Theme

Rom?

Where we going?

(MUSIC BUILDS)

(CRASH OF LIGHTNING)

(APPLAUSE)

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)

So with the conclusion of the successful performance,

Rob and I had, for one night only,

become part of the Birmingham Royal Ballet.

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

And with the applause still ringing in our ears,

we headed backstage to reflect.

Mate, I actually enjoyed it.

I sort of hoped you'd screw it up. Like, a part of me did.

-Yeah. -Like in a funny way. But then it was good that we nailed it.

What would you saying to people? You know, when they sort of spoke to you?

Yeah, I was saying stuff like, "That was a good dance, wasn't it?"

What did you say? Well, the Queen beckoned me over.

Right. What did you say to her? She went, "Ssh-schw-schw."

And what did you do? "Ssh-schw-schw."

OK, that sort of looks racist. How?

Well, you've sort of gone, "Ssh-schw-schw-schw."

She went, "Ssh-schw." Yeah, that looks fine.

What did you do? "Ssh-schw-schw."Yeah.

It still looks bad. -Even with the cup? -Yeah.

Oh... Ice bath? Always.

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