Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

'Ten years ago, Rob Beckett and I met on the comedy circuit

and we've been friends ever since.'

I think we compliment each other. He's sad, I'm happy.

He'll always smile about things.

Just a shame that that smile is so punchable.

(LAUGHS)

'Now, we're putting our friendship to the test...'

Why are we in this vehicle? Bigger, the better, innit?

'..as we travel the world together.' I'm gonna get out

and smack your arse with this. Get out, then.

'To meet some of the greatest athletes on the planet...

..as well as some of the biggest stars from the world of music

and entertainment.

We'll be immersing ourselves in their worlds

to find out what makes them who they are.'

I look happy, don't I? 'Just minus the skill...'

Oh, my God! '..talent...'

I haven't been this close to my wife in three weeks.

'..or motivation...' Jesus Christ.

Bolt don't do this.

..that makes them megastars.

Holy shit!

This week, Romesh and I are headed to Jamaica

for an exclusive interview with living legend Usain Bolt.

Usain Bolt gets it!

We're gonna be exploring his homeland

to find out more about the fastest man who has ever lived,

and somehow we're gonna end up performing live

on Jamaica national television.

This is possibly the most nervous -I've ever been. -I feel so sick.

This is it, Rom. We're going to Jamaica to interview Usain Bolt.

-For work. -I would say it's putting some pressure on the relationship.

-Why? -Because we're gonna be away for a week together.

It's a holiday, mate.

We're going to Jamaica on holiday. It'll be fun.

I've got the vibe that you're gonna be a bit touristy.

Are you a fan of Usain Bolt?

I am a fan of the phenomenon of Usain Bolt.

-Yes. -He has achieved more than you could imagine he was ghonna achieve.

There's something amazing about watching everyone else really try their hardest

and he pisses it.

My issue is I want to see people try.

I always will put in 100%.

And I don't think he's put in 100%.

Romesh, he's not doing the Tokyo Olympics, right?

-He doesn't need to, Rob. -He can still go and win the 100 metres.

I think he's already won the 100 metres a bit.

He lives in Jamaica and he's retired.

Oh, my God, it sounds like a nightmare.

With all the money. Oh, my God!

Oh, God, he's got to run again, hasn't he? Who gives a shit?

What else is he gonna do? Chill out!

He must be fucking bored. He only does a race every four fucking years!

He has to work for ten seconds every four years.

Do it again, you lazy prick!

Sorry.

I can't have this argument with you the whole way to Jamaica.

We've only been on holiday an hour. Oh, my God!

My first memory of Usain Bolt was at the 2008 Olympics at Beijing.

He was just 21 at the time.

And he announced his arrival to the world in the 100 metres final.

But he didn't just win. He made history.

Set.

(PISTOL FIRES) They get away first time.

Powell has got a very good start.

Here comes Usain Bolt. Usain Bolt streaking away from the field.

It's gonna be gold for Jamaica. That is superb.

It's a new world record.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

But that was just the beginning.

Over the next nine years, Usain dominated his sport,

smashing world records and claiming eight Olympic gold medals.

And sometimes he didn't even bother to tie his shoe laces.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC)

Until in 2017, when he drew the curtain on his illustrious career.

Usain is, in my opinion, the greatest athlete of all time.

And in a few days we'll be meeting him face to face.

We had three days to prepare for our interview.

I had planned to take Romesh on a cultural tour of the island

to see how it had shaped Usain Bolt's life.

But as Jamaica has some

of the most beautiful holiday resorts of the Caribbean,

I thought, "Why not have a little holiday first?"

Hello, all right? Thank you. Cheers.

But our holiday in paradise didn't get off to the best of starts.

We're sharing. I didn't think you'd mind.

Sharing what? The room.

It's an ongoing thing with Rob, where he wants us to stay together.

Like, we were doing a weekend at a comedy club

Rob said, "Do you want to stay in the same room?" I said no.

He said, "Why not?" I said, "Because I'm an adult."

Come in, mate. Look at it.

Look at this!

Look! To hell with the floor.

-We cannot share this room. -Is this not the best room you've ever seen?

Look, you can see the sea, through the floor.

It's the most excited I've ever been to see a hole in the floor.

It's called a window, mate.

He said, "What if we had adjoining rooms with a door in between?"

No, Rob. No. We can spend the day together

and then we can go to our separate rooms like grownups.

We turn up at the hotel, we check into the hotel.

The lady behind Reception says to Rob,

"I'm sorry I couldn't sort out the adjoining rooms."

Despite me saying no, he still organised it.

Rob, it is an amazing room for two people that love each other.

I love you.

I didn't think you'd mind.

You can't have... You cannot have thought I wouldn't mind about this.

Look, I'll be honest with you, I did ask for a twin.

I don't want to sleep WITH you, I want to sleep near you.

I asked for a twin, but they don't do 'em cos it's the honeymoon one.

(CORK POPS)

(LAUGHS) Mate, get that...

Look, we'll be all right.

My idea of coming here was to get some idea of the culture of Jamaica

and meet Usain Bolt and sample what this place is about.

And I realise that doing that with Rob,

there will be some sort of compromise to that.

We're not exactly the same people, we don't have the same interests.

What I didn't anticipate was ending up on honeymoon with Rob Beckett.

But Rom just needed to chill out a bit

because I had everything in hand.

Lovely, innit?

Oh. Drinks are here.

Oh, yes, please. Thank you very much.

Cheers. Thank you. There you go, babe.

Your pina colada.

Are you all right with coconut milk?

As a vegan.

It doesn't make up for where we're staying, mate.

In absolute luxury?

This is like a prize on This Morning.

I'm dealing with the fact that this might be the best pina colada I've ever had.

You're getting into the spirit now.

What has this got to do with Usain Bolt and Jamaican culture?

I've got loads of stuff planned.

We're going to the international stadium in Jamaica, OK?

We're gonna watch some athletics.

We're gonna do some sprint training as well. It's all planned out.

I know what I'm doing, but for the time being, try and enjoy yourself.

That all sounds fine, Rob, but why are we in a honeymoon suite?

Double acts share rooms. -Are we a double act? -No.

We're not a double act. Cannon and Ball.

Ant and Dec. cookies and milk.

Grumpy and Shithead. Good pina colada, though, innit?

Innit? It is unbelievable.

Look at you.

-Just the right amount of colada. -You don't want to over pina it, do you?

♪ RUPERT HOLMES: Escape

♪ If you like pina coladas

♪ Getting caught in the rain... ♪

Even after the pina colada, Romesh still seemed a little bit flat.

So I booked us an activity that would hopefully perk him up.

This isn't the cultural experience I was thinking about.

Get on, man. Are you coming on?

I'm gonna see how fast it goes, have a look from the boat.

Just enjoy yourself, get into the Jamaican vibe.

You get in the boat, mate. I'm gonna enjoy a little holiday from you.

This is textbook How To Have A Shit Time In Paradise.

You have all the ingredients of a good trip...

Hold on!

..and then inject Rob Beckett.

There's jellyfish!

And that turns it onto this, which is a shit storm.

And sharks.

I think it's going great so far, the trip.

He's being a bit hard work and annoying me,

but he'll get that out of his system and relax. But it's going well.

Are you enjoying it?

That's it. Can it go faster?

You fucker!

Fucking hell! (LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY)

Oh, God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus.

Do you feel Jamaican yet?

After taking Rom on a joy ride round the bay,

I thought we could do with something a bit more chilled.

Do you reckon Usain Bolt does this? I don't think anybody does this;

get on a kayak with someone they find fucking annoying.

What we could be doing is sampling some Jamaican culture

so we've got something to talk to him about.

Wait, where are you now? -What? -Usain Bolt's Jamaican.

We're enjoying ourselves in Jamaica.

Oh, God. Your logic is just...

Basically, I am doing romantic things with Rob.

These are things honeymoon couples do.

The only thing we're not doing is banging.

If you don't row in a minute, I'm gonna get out of here

and smack your arse with this. OK. Get out, then.

No, go on, then. You want to make the threat?

(LAUGHS) Let's see you carry it out.

I'm not rowing. I'm not rowing, -look. -When I get out the sea...

He's always got the hump and it's always on me to try and cheer him up.

Do you know what I mean?

Why have I got to explain myself? We're in Jamaica.

Enjoy it. Or fuck off.

Some people want everybody else to have a bad time.

So, they set out to annoy someone, so that they're miserable like them.

I want to make everyone feel happy. You just want to bring people down.

I'm sorry, OK?

All right.

It's just not fair, is it?

What a grumpy bastard.

♪ BOB MARLEY: One Love

It was the and of our first day in Jamaica.

So far, we'd learned nothing about Usain Bolt.

I was hoping we could discuss the interview over some dinner.

It's like a date scene off Love Island.

What do you do with your tongue when you eat? It hovers when you eat.

If you take Usain Bolt... Go on, eat that again.

I was about to eat something. When you do that, you go...

It's like a little lizard.

I'm just debating whether to... Show me.

There it is.

I don't do that. You do.

That's this meal ruined. (LAUGHS)

I'll drink. Unless my dick comes out when I do that.

Oh.

-Nice chatting, innit? -Feels like it's run its course a bit, but, yeah.

It was... (SNORTS)

What's wrong with you? (LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY)

Fair play. You owned how you eat that.

Anyway, carry on with your story.

(LAUGHS)

Why are you doing like a villain laugh?

It's so disgusting!

That sort of tofu perv.

(SNORTS)

'Romesh and I were in Jamaica preparing

for our exclusive interview with Usain Bolt.'

Look at the state of this weather.

I thought it was supposed to be sunny. What's going on?

Came out of nowhere, didn't it? Sort of feels like Jurassic Park

when the fat guy nicks the embryos. Yeah.

He was a right disgusting little snake, wasn't he?

Horrible bastard, he was, in that film.

What a thing to get passionate about.

I really hated him. I thought, "You fat, horrible bastard. Greedy...

I'll put one in my whipped cream.

I'll drive down, get to the ferry, so I can get my money for the thing."

Serves him right. I hated him most out of any film, I think.

Wow, I did not expect that. He's my favourite film villain.

I'd arranged for us to visit Bolt's former training camp

at the University of the West Indies.

This is where he spent countless hours preparing for events.

So it was the perfect place for us

to get into his mind-set for our big interview.

What's your PB at 100 metres?

The last time I was measured running it I was 14 years old.

That's how many seconds it was - 14.

14 seconds? Yeah.

I did it at 15, and I think I weight 15 stone.

And I did it in 21 seconds. I was so fat.

I looked like the Milky Bar Kid cos I had glasses.

So I use to try and get the girls on side

by going, "Milky Bars are on me."

Right. A bit of banter.

-Did you carry Milky Bars? -No, but they used to go, "They're in you."

That's the problem.

When we arrived at Bolt's training ground,

I had hoped we were just gonna be given a guided tour.

But as usual, Rob had over committed

and signed us up for a full training session.

I don't really agree with the idea of us doing the training.

I just don't like running. I don't run for trains and stuff like that.

The people that run at, like, the train station.

So you can make the train and get to work earlier?

What are you talking about? Missing the train is a gift.

The man charged with putting us through our paces

was Jermaine Shand

who helped guide Bolt to medal glory.

Usain Bolt running away from everybody.

It's a gold. His eighth gold.

Jermaine had a whole training session planned for us,

ending in a 100-metre race between myself and Rob.

And on top of that we were going

to have to do it in scorching, 35-degree heat.

It's so bright. I feel like a little mole who's come out in the day.

Hello, Jermaine. Rob. Nice to meet you.

Lovely to meet you.

It is fucking hot, isn't it? I just want to get that out the way.

I just want to know that you feel -the same. -You will survive.

Are you ready? -Let's do it. -Let's go.

When you are going to a training facility, what you expect to see

is some training. We didn't see any training because the weather today

is too hot for the Jamaicans.

Luckily, Jermaine was going to break us in gently.

And walk.

Are you winding us up?

Absolutely no way -Usain Bolt does this. -What?

I feel like I've gone skiing and I've got two pints from the bar!

You're gonna go this way.

Like a crab? -A crab. Right. -OK.

Is this a thing where you bring British people over and take the piss out of them?

You're mugging us off. No, I'm not, I'm not.

I've got to walk like I need a shit? Keep that angle. Go.

Go.

Is that head all right? Close that leg. Close. No, no, no.

Bring your feet together.

Together. Here. Bring the left in. No, keep that angle.

Together, Rob.

Apart. Together. Oh, OK.

Apart. Together.

Like walking! Right.

We're gonna do one of his favourites.

He said, 'The next thing I'm gonna show you', he looked at me, 'is probably gonna be your favourite.'

I'll call it the Indian Jump.

The Indian Jump.

That one? OK.

Jermaine says that I should be naturally predisposed to that.

-The Indian Jump, mate? -OK. It's in my ancestors.

OK. Let's go.

Here we go. See? It's his favourite. It is!

The Indian Jump. The heritage is kicking in.

(LAUGHTER)

The Indian Jump. Of course I'm gonna smash it!

If that was a white fella, I don't think you'd have been able to include that in the show.

This is the worst, the absolute -worst. -You did the Indian Jump well.

I just want to say, on the record, this whole segment is pointless.

The idea that we need to train in the heat to discover it's difficult, I could have told you that.

Jermaine, we're just talking about how much we're ready for the next -bit.Sure. I'm ready also. -Cheers.

'Next up, Jermaine introduced us to one of Usain's most demanding pieces of equipment.

But it wasn't exactly state-of-the-art.'

Up to the waist.

It was a metal sled that we had to pull along with a piece of rope.

A rusty little sledge? He's won about 100 gold medals. Put your hand in your pocket, Bolt!

Go!

Go, Rom!

Keep your back straight, come on!

Yes, Romesh!

Great work. Next! Let's go!

Romesh!

Hey, no playing in training.

Let's go. Let's go.

'After another six tortuous reps...'

'..Jermaine put us out of our misery.'

Jesus Christ!

Bolt don't moan like this.

Fuck the fuck off, mate. Let's go. Right here.

In the UK, we call that training. That's it. We're done.

That was just a warm-up. This is Jamaica. That's a warm-up.

'Now we were warmed up, Jermaine was gonna put us to the test.

A head-to-head 100m race.'

At our fitness level, I'm sure it's -just hope for the best! -For your condition, probably, yes.

On your marks.

♪ CHARIOTS OF FIRE

Set.

(CLAP ECHOES)

We made it out of the blocks, but only just.

Because after two hours of training

in the Jamaican midday heat,

our exhausted, overweight, disgusting bodies gave up.

Fuck this.

100 metres is quite far, you know.

'We finished in a pathetic 27 seconds.'

I sort of am conscious of the fact of sounding a bit ungrateful,

because we are in one of the most beautiful countries in the world

and we are gonna meet Usain Bolt, but, still, this has been shit.

Even though the training had nearly killed us, we felt inspired

by running on the same track as a legend.

Now we were on our way to the National Stadium in Kingston

to watch some future sprint stars.

This is where, in 2002, a 15-year-old Usain Bolt would compete

in the World Junior Championships, in front of a capacity crowd of 35,000.

He took on the best of the world's juniors in the 200m final.

His victory set the stadium alight,

making him the youngest junior gold medallist ever.

I don't know why race runners have gold chains on.

Like Michael Johnson had that big -gold chain. -I love Michael Johnson.

Why do you love Michael Johnson so much?

He just runs so weird. Do you know what I mean?

Like... He can run really fast, but he couldn't bend over to pick up anything!

It's weird, cos I love Usain Bolt and I love Michael Johnson,

but they couldn't be more opposite in terms of geezers.

(US ACCENT) A lot of people said, 'You can't run like that with your back like that.'

(US ACCENT) But I... I'm like a country yokel!

But I sure did show 'em.

Why, hell, I'm goddamn Michael Johnson, I could outrun Usain Bolt!

Cos I'm Michael goddamn Johnson!

And I run with a straight motherfucking back!

My name is Michael Johnson and I ain't gonna bend down for nobody!

I run with a straight back.

Saying all that, I've absolutely -slaughtered the guy. -You love him.

A few hours later, we reach Jamaica's capital, Kingston.

By the looks of things, we were finally gonna get the slice of Jamaican culture we'd been missing.

But the thing with Rob is, even when he does do something good,

he always manages to ruin it!

Hang on. Walk ahead. Walk ahead.

I don't want people to know I'm with you.

His first time in Jamaica! (LAUGHTER)

That's why he looks like such a dick.

The good thing is if somebody has a choice between which one of us to beat up,

they've got an obvious target.

You think the hat is too much?

(LAUGHS) I think you look great, -mate. -Better?

With families turning up to watch the best go head-to-head,

we were looking forward to potentially seeing the next Usain Bolt,

so I was keen to get in early and bag the best seats.

Good, innit?

Wow, it's...empty.

It's not very full, is it?

But we can, er, soak it up, soak up the atmos.

There's not many people dressed like me, is there?

No. But...

I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb!

Well, you're gonna stick out cos you -look like an albino. -Let's get our seats, big boy.

'Unfortunately, Rob had booked us seats together.

It wasn't long before he tried to drag me down with him.'

Thank you.

(SHARP HOOT)

He bought the vuvuzela, which is a typical Beckett instrument, cos it's loud and fucking annoying.

'And when he's like this, there's only one way to deal with him.'

(LONG HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK) (GIGGLES)

(PROLONGED NOTE)

(HIGH-PITCHED NOTE CONTINUES)

(GIGGLING)

That was so long. That was so long.

(GIGGLES AND SNORTS)

I've heard two incredible noises in my life.

(SNORTS)

The first one is the cry of my children at their birth.

I went from nought to migraine!

And the second most beautiful noise

is Rob telling me that he got a headache immediately after the vuvuzela.

(LAUGHS)

Thank you for this. I love it.

'With the events underway, it was at last time for us to enjoy the athletics.'

That poor girl fell over.

'With the 100m final looming,

the excitement in the stadium was building

and Rob was getting swept up in the occasion - a massive surprise.'

Hiya. Could we get some shrimps, please?

You want some shrimp? Yes, please.

OK, darling. For you. You want some spice?

Yeah. Give him some spice.

-Put it on? -Yeah. Put a lot on!

He can handle it. Lots!

Yes. Yeah! Oh, that...

Keep that away from me. Thank you.

-Smell that. -I told you!

That is hot, mate. You're gonna be shitting through the eye of a needle, mate.

Enjoy, though.

(CHUCKLES)

-It's spicy, isn't it? -Yes, it is! You could have warned me.

I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm new round here.

Do you drink the juice? -If you want to. -Yeah.

What an absolute... It's gonna be hot!

(LAUGHTER)

(GIGGLES)

'This was the event we'd come to see.'

Right, it's the big one.

The 100m final. Are you excited? -Yes, I am very excited. -Yes, Romesh!

(STARTING PISTOL FIRES) Oh!

This is it! Come on! Come on!

COMMENTATOR: "Baker.

The rest have been left behind.

This a two-man race now.

And for the victory... Ronnie Baker!"

Somebody I don't know, but it was good.

In the blink of Romesh's good eye, it was over.

America's Ronnie Baker took the 100m in ten seconds flat.

-Been a good night. -Yes. Thank you very much for organising it, Rob.

-Enjoyed it? -Very much so. Tarnished by how much of a bell-end you look!

Apart from that, it was great. The real Jamaica.

-Let's go. -Go back? -Yes. -I'll run you a bath.

It was Rom and I's third day in Jamaica and our interview with Usain Bolt was just one day away.

His iconic celebration is instantly recognisable

and was inspired by his love of the Jamaican music dancehall.

So I've brought Romesh back to Kingston, where I'd arranged for us to have a lesson

with the hottest dance group on the island, the Ravers Clavers.

We were meeting dance trio Wiz, spelt with one Z, Silent,

and Kool, with a K, not their real names, who are gonna teach us a dance routine.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a terrible dancer.

I never dance. I can't dance. I've tried, I'm useless.

I didn't even have a first dance when I got married.

Maybe I'm an awful dancer, but I'm exceptional at dancehall.

I'm quite a fast learner. Kool is gonna demonstrate.

OK, cool.

This is a step where you're confident in what you're wearing.

I'm not very confident in what I'm -wearing. Shall I pretend? -Yeah.

One...two...

The truth of it is, is that we started off, they showed us a dance

and Rob displayed the same sort of rhythm

as an injured badger.

(GROANS)

They noticed...

that there was a runt in the litter.

-Relax. -Relax? OK. It's quite a tense situation!

Try to fix the shirt.

My shirt?

In the herd, there was one sort of three-legged, mopey piece of shit,

that was gonna get picked off by any kind of predator coming past.

He was awful.

See the foot?

His is absolutely fine, Romesh's?

Romesh is good.

Fair enough.

You don't need to check on me, mate.

Five stars on TripAdvisor.

You need to step your game up.

-Swing. -That's it. All right.

I was watching you, man. You're out there saving yourself.

That's embarrassing. We go like that.

(LAUGHTER)

Let them know who is Rob Ravers.

The... Yeah. Good name, innit?

Romesh Ravers. Good, innit?

Have you got any other names that aren't just our names that you could call us?

Like Bad Man Ravers?

Indian Ravers?

-Indian Ravers? -Not quite accurate. Technically, Sri Lankan.

They called me the Indian Claver,

because I've joined the Clavers and everyone here seems to think I'm Indian.

I don't mind being called Indian. Why would they pick up that I'm Sri Lankan?

But why not call him White Claver? Brie Claver? White Cheddar Claver?

Why can't he be called that? Ghost Claver. Ghost-Face Claver! There you go.

'An hour into the practice and it was looking like my dancehall career was over before it had even begun!'

I'm just gonna go for it. If I'm gonna get it wrong, I might as well enjoy it, but then it just clicked.

One, two, three, four.

That was good. Yeah. Getting there.

Before I knew it, I was grooving and Romesh was messing it up.

So, what you're doing wrong, you're not lifting your right foot back.

He's new though, isn't he?

When he managed to actually show a semblance of basic coordination, they patted him on the head.

Is that better? Much better. Good one, Rob.

He took that to mean that he'd done really well.

As you would do. That's how it's supposed to work.

I've done it with my own children.

My first son, 'Well done, mate, you got full marks in your spelling test.'

My second son, 'Well done, mate, you stopped eating your own shit.'

You change your praise and your feedback based on the level of ability.

'After an intense few hours of practice, we've mastered the basics of the routine.'

Thank you so much for that.

'And I had a little surprise up my sleeve for Romesh.'

I've arranged for us to perform with the Ravers Clavers on national television.

I don't think he's gonna take it well. He don't like big crowds. That's why he tours!

Magnum Kings

is Jamaica's answer to the X Factor.

Filmed in front of a live audience of thousands and broadcast to millions,

contestants battle it out each week

in the hope of ultimately being crowned

the King and Queen of Dance Hall.

You earned your spot here. Job well done.

We were gonna be showcasing our new skills

in a guest performance on the show.

All I had to do was convince Romesh.

How was dancehall? You wanted a bit of real Jamaica.

You actually did very well.

-It was good, weren't it?Yes. -Great,

because we're gonna be doing that routine with the Clavers

on Jamaican national telly, so...

-Are you up for that? -What are you talking about?

What I've done is... You know the X -Factor. -Yes.

Like the Jamaican version of that.

We are dropping some dutty wines on it.

OK, but we can barely do it in a deserted car park, so why -

I think you'll feed off the audience.

-I think you'll come alive. -They'll feed off us when we cock it up.

I genuinely think I'm all right now. Only you would have the arrogance

to believe that practising in a car park for a bit means we can do it on television.

-I'm better with a crowd. -They're not expecting stand-up.

You can't go, 'I'm shit at dancing but look at my teeth.'

-We gotta do the dance. -Yeah, but I will. I'll feed off the energy

-and I'll just...bang. -I'm not doing -it. -You'll be great. See you later.

Is he taking the piss?

-See you in a minute. -All right. -Guys, we can't make it. -Shut up!

Sorry we can't be there. Just... He doesn't know what he's doing.

It's a good opportunity for you to perform in front of a big crowd.

Sorry, Rob, I'm not actually listening to you any more.

We can't do this. Anyway, this is over.

The scene's out. We're out. Cut.

I don't think that's the dancehall vibe. It's about being relaxed...

OK, sorry, listen. I thought you'd got enough footage and we were done.

That's it! That's it! Yes, Romesh!

With our friendship feeling the strain, it was back to the honeymoon resort

where Rob had booked us onto another pointless activity.

Right, you've got to stand up. That's it. That's it, Rommy!

Yeah! Oh.

Arh!

We're trying to get into the mind, body, soul and spirit of Usain Bolt.

So we need to do stuff to settle in in his motherland.

So, we're doing this.

(LAUGHTER)

Uhh!

This is supposed to be us getting culturally into Jamaica.

I was doing quite well and you kept pulling me off.

OK, stop doing that... I'm not doing the joke. The fucking salt in there.

Why are you such a... Do you know what?

I think he might actually be pissed -off. -I was doing all right.

I was doing all right, I was getting there and every time he's pushing me off.

Cheer up, mate. We're on holiday. We're on fucking holiday. Jamaica.

What is he so... I don't know why he's so moody.

It's cos all of his other travelogues

he's so fucking miserable. Come on, we're in Jamaica.

As the sun set on day two of our time in Jamaica,

there was still one thing left to do.

Unbelievably, we were about to dance live on national television.

When we arrived for the TV broadcast, filming had already begun.

And as the first acts took to the stage,

even I started to have some doubts.

(DANCEHALL MUSIC)

We weren't due on stage for over an hour,

so we had time for some desperate last-minute practice.

How are you feeling?

I don't... I sort of uh...

Believe me, it's OK practising up here

but when we're out there you're gonna properly shit yourself.

I've had four whiskies.

Our mentors and partners from the Ravers Clavers had arrived.

But even they couldn't give us a much-needed confidence boost.

It's just so intense here and so loud.

And it's intense, it's terrifying, it's intimidating

and it's Rob's fault. It's all Rob's fault that we're here doing this.

The Clavers were not looking for new members.

And now we're here like a pair of pricks...going to do this thing.

We're gonna die tonight. We are gonna die.

I don't mean in a comedic, nobody's laughing.

I mean somebody will kill us for insulting their culture.

(DANCEHALL MUSIC)

The waiting was torture, but finally we were given the call to head backstage.

We would be on after the next commercial break.

Oh, I feel so sick.

I think it's the worst thing I've ever done.

-Most nervous. -This is possibly the most nervous I've ever been.

I'm more nervous now than I was for my first-ever gig.

Cos I think deep down I always knew I could be funny

but deep down I know I cannot dance.

I felt like reminding Rob, for the 10th or 12th time,

that he was completely responsible for what was about to happen.

But, as the presenter had stepped up to introduce us, our time had come.

All right, we have something special for you!

Please welcome to the stage, all the way from the UK,

Romesh Ranganathan and Rob Beckett

joined by the Ravers Clavers!

-Oh, God. -Oh, shit.

We were about to dance live on Jamaican national television.

-Oh, God. -Fuck me.

Check, check, check, all right.

♪ Shake that thing Miss Kana Kana

♪ Shake that thing Miss Annabella

♪ Shake that thing yan Donna Donna

♪ Jodi and Rebecca

♪ Woman get busy, just shake that booty...

We'd barely started and people were already laughing at Rob.

Now, I'm not saying I was good but he was shocking.

♪ Don't take pity me want fi see you get live

♪ Upon the riddim when me ride and me lyrics a provide electricity

♪ Gal, nobody can tell you nuttin' can you done know your destiny

♪ Yo sexy ladies want par with us

♪ In a the car with us them nah war with us

♪ In a the club them want flex with us, to get next to us

♪ Them cah vex with us

♪ From the day me born jah ignite me flame

♪ Gal a call me name and its me fame

♪ It's all good girl turn me on

♪ Till da early mornin' get it on ♪

(CHEERING)

Even though we'd made complete fools of ourselves, we weren't finished just yet.

♪ ..what I know but murder she wrote

♪ Murder she wrote

♪ Murder she wrote (LAUGHS)

♪ Murder she wrote Watch ya now, it name

♪ A pretty face and bad character (LAUGHS) Fuck me.

♪ Dem the kinda livin can't hold Chaka - follow me... ♪

Mate.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, God!

-I'm so hot. -I can't believe it.

Oh, my God. When they... I honestly...

I felt so sick. I thought we weren't going to be able to do it

but turns out Rob Claver and Indian Claver have got some moves, mate.

Absolutely smashed it out of the -park. -Who knew?

Indian Claver, the head wobbler himself.

-Love you, Rommy. -All right. Listen, I'm gonna go and get you a beer.

♪ TOOTS AND THE MAYTALS: 54-46 Was My Number

Rob and I have now spent three days in Jamaica.

In terms of preparing us for interviewing the greatest athlete of all time,

Rob's research had been utterly useless.

But, ready or not, we were on our way to meet Usain Bolt.

-He's charismatic, cool.Yes. -There's these stories, you don't know if they're true,

about how he smashed through a load of chicken nuggets and still won the Olym... Yeah.

All that stuff that just adds to the mythology.

Think about big footballers. Like David Beckham...

I'm totally not taking away from David Beckham's stardom or whatever...

Yeah...but Usain Bolt has become a megastar out of athletics,

which I think is arguably... Yeah. -..more unlikely. -He only gets nine seconds to perform every four years.

Where footballers every weekend - Same as married life. Am I right? Yeah, am I right?

(AS JOHNSON) Michael 'Mother-Fucking' Johnson.

When I have sex, I only last nine seconds.

But I tell you what, my back's straight.

Cos I'm Michael 'Straight-Back' Johnson.

COMMENTATOR: Usain Bolt running to what he'd love to be immortality as an athlete.

Listen to the adulation.

Look at the love for this man.

Well, if this is it, what on earth are we going to do without him?

It was finally time to meet Usain Bolt.

How's it going?

And, after travelling 5,000 miles and spending three days researching his subject,

this is the best question Rob could come up with.

When did you first realise you were fast? Were you running for a bus

and thought, "Fucking hell, I've -overtaken it."? -Jesus.

Was there a moment when you were, "Whoa!"?

The story was actually cricket.

I was a fast bowler so I was running in and bowling

and my cricket coach said, "You know what? You should try to run. You're pretty quick."

I tried it and I was really good. (LAUGHS)

-Were you hyperactive as a kid? -Yeah. Very. Very, very hyper.

My mum took me to the doctor because I wouldn't stay still when I was younger.

-Really? -She was like, "There must be something wrong with this kid."

The guy was like, "Nah, you just had too much good stuff when you were pregnant

and now he's full of energy."I had the opposite problem.

I'd be at home and my mum'd come back and think I was dead, not moved off the sofa.

What would you say is the best thing about being Usain Bolt?

When I meet famous people what I love about it

is they actually know who I am. I'm always surprised, you know what I mean?

Even though I know that I've done great things, I'm always surprised.

Especially footballers. And they go, "Oh, my God, Usain, blah, blah, blah."

True story. The other day, when I was in England, I was in the club.

It was the end of the season and all the Arsenal players were out.

I saw all the players and I was saying hi to everybody.

And I was like, "Yo, where's Aubameyang?"

Because everybody says he's faster -than me. -Oh, really?

And I always wanna say, "You're no good. Why did you go to Arsenal?"

Anyway, I went to the bathroom, I was coming back out.

One of the promoters said, "Yo, here's your boy."

He said something but I didn't hear cos the music was loud.

So I was like, "Oh, cool." Had a conversation.

"Yo, let me get a picture." Took a picture.

Went home, sleep. Woke up in the morning I'm getting tag, tag.

I look - Aubameyang.

(LAUGHTER) I didn't even know it was him. I was like...

I wanted to say so much and then...

got the moment and then just blew it.

Has there been anyone you've met and you felt nervous, starstruck?

-Beyonce.Really? -Yeah.

I had a whole conversation set up.

-You panicked?Panicked. -What did you actually say?"Hi."

That was it. And then there was an awkward silence.

Oh, my God. How intimidating must Beyonce be if you got scared?

Beyonce's the only person I've ever met and I was like,

"Any time I meet Beyonce this is what I'm gonna say."

-Was Jay-Z staring at you? -I don't know. I wasn't looking at him. (LAUGHTER)

COMMENTATOR: They get away first time.

Here comes Usain Bolt. Usain Bolt streaking away from the field.

It's gonna be gold for Jamaica. That is superb.

Usain Bolt gets it.

COMMENTATOR: His place in history has been cemented.

-The London Olympics.Yeah. -Was it any good?

-It was good. -Better than Rio and Beijing?

Why I love London is that every session was full.

-Mm. -Morning session - full.

Evening - full. They really supported track and field. It was massive.

That's a sign, a testament, to how shit Britain is.

That as soon as something amazing happens, everyone turns up.

There's nothing else happening.

You can elaborate on this as much or as little as you like,

but I've heard a rumour that in the Olympic Villages during the tournament...

I've heard. ..everybody is banging everybody. I think it's the swimmers.

I think it's the swimmers. All right, so we always start

-at the end of the Olympics. -Right. OK.

So the swimmers start at the front. Most of the...

Everything ends at the start.

But track and field is the last thing.

So we ain't having no fun.

-Right. -So you can't let loose. But the swimmers...

So when the last day comes, that's the last day of the Olympics.

And the swimmers are like, "I'm shagged out."Swimmers have a week.

So if you're really talented athletically,

but you like getting on it - swimming.

-(LAUGHS) Yeah. -Cos you're done early doors and you've got three weeks to...

-Live your life. -Obviously you're the big dog.

You're the absolute legend. Everyone loves you, even the other athletes.

There's not much chill time. Is there a VIP room where only people who won golds go?

-No, no. -Cos if you get, like...no offence but like a pole vaulter from Kazakhstan like, "Usain!"

You're like, "Come on, mate, you're not, are you? You finished 18th."

If I was you I'd be walking around just like,

"Mate, I don't talk to bronzes." Yeah! (LAUGHTER)

"Why don't you go and hang out with your crew?"

COMMENTATOR: That celebration began 10m from the finish line.

You're obviously famous for celebrating before you've finished the race.

Do you regret it and think, "I could've gone faster" or are you happy you did it?

Or do you wish you started celebrating earlier, like from the start?

Put your arms up straight from the go.

That would be start. Straight off the blocks, "Yes, mate!

See you later, pricks!"

(LAUGHTER)

No, I don't regret it. It was cool.

You know what I mean? How cool does -that look? -It did look cool.

So, do you still take an interest -and follow it? -Yeah.

Then somebody says, "There's a guy that we think is gonna be a good prospect."

And you go, "That's great" and inside you're thinking, "I hope he's shit."(LAUGHS) No.

-Be honest, come on. -No, man, no, no. Hope he doesn't break my record,

but while I was running -What about -if it was me? -Yeah, that would annoy me.

(LAUGHTER) If someone's gonna break my...

I want it to be somebody I go, "Yeah, I can see you breaking my world record."

You could still do it if you really went for it. Six months training.

If I could... Not six months. -No? A year? -It's not as easy...

-Right, so another year off. -Yeah.

And then just smash it for one more -year. Go to Japan. -Kill it.

You could liberate yourself from having to win. You go,

"This is the big thing. Usain's back, he's done no training."

-Nothing. -And then you don't have to win. "I didn't do any training.

I was eating a chicken drumstick while I was in the race."

Yeah, that'd be... That's the way to -do it.No.No? -No.

Thank you so much. We really appreciate the chance to chat to -you. -Thank you.

So, after four days in Jamaica, we had finally met our man.

We'd had a lot of fun with him and it had been humbling

to sit down and chat with a true living legend.

Still think he should do Tokyo though.

COMMENTATOR: Usain Bolt is the Olympic champion.

Probably the biggest margin of all time.

A new world record for Usain Bolt!

He has blown them all away.

How can you do that?

He came on to the scene as a 15-year-old.

BOLT: I have a goal. I want to be a legend.

Stamp my name in history.

And then, at the end of my days, I can say I'm a legend,

a living legend.

..set...

Look at Bolt go!

Bolt's gonna do it again.

The champion becomes a legend.

He has no equal. He is just incomparable.

I am number one!

(GROANS WEARILY)

(SIGHS)

'Night, Romesh.

This is bullshit.

subtitles by Deluxe E-mail sky.subtitles@sky.uk