All language subtitles for Rob And Romesh Vs s01e01_English

The following programme contains
strong language.

'Ten years ago, Rob Beckett and I
met on the comedy circuit

and we've been friends ever since.'

I think we compliment each other.
He's sad, I'm happy.

He'll always smile about things.

Just a shame that that smile
is so punchable.

(LAUGHS)

'Now, we're putting our friendship
to the test...'

Why are we in this vehicle?
Bigger, the better, innit?

'..as we travel the world together.'
I'm gonna get out

and smack your arse with this.
Get out, then.

'To meet some of the greatest
athletes on the planet...

..as well as some of the biggest
stars from the world of music

and entertainment.

We'll be immersing ourselves
in their worlds

to find out what makes them
who they are.'

I look happy, don't I?
'Just minus the skill...'

Oh, my God!
'..talent...'

I haven't been this close
to my wife in three weeks.

'..or motivation...'
Jesus Christ.

Bolt don't do this.

..that makes them megastars.

Holy shit!

This week, Romesh and I
are headed to Jamaica

for an exclusive interview
with living legend Usain Bolt.

Usain Bolt gets it!

We're gonna be exploring
his homeland

to find out more about the fastest
man who has ever lived,

and somehow we're gonna end up
performing live

on Jamaica national television.

This is possibly the most nervous
-I've ever been.
-I feel so sick.

This is it, Rom. We're going to
Jamaica to interview Usain Bolt.

-For work.
-I would say it's putting
some pressure on the relationship.

-Why?
-Because we're gonna be away
for a week together.

It's a holiday, mate.

We're going to Jamaica on holiday.
It'll be fun.

I've got the vibe that you're gonna
be a bit touristy.

Are you a fan of Usain Bolt?

I am a fan of the phenomenon
of Usain Bolt.

-Yes.
-He has achieved more than you
could imagine he was ghonna achieve.

There's something amazing
about watching everyone else
really try their hardest

and he pisses it.

My issue is I want
to see people try.

I always will put in 100%.

And I don't think he's put in 100%.

Romesh, he's not doing
the Tokyo Olympics, right?

-He doesn't need to, Rob.
-He can
still go and win the 100 metres.

I think he's already
won the 100 metres a bit.

He lives in Jamaica
and he's retired.

Oh, my God,
it sounds like a nightmare.

With all the money. Oh, my God!

Oh, God, he's got to run again,
hasn't he? Who gives a shit?

What else is he gonna do?
Chill out!

He must be fucking bored. He only
does a race every four fucking years!

He has to work for ten seconds
every four years.

Do it again, you lazy prick!

Sorry.

I can't have this argument with you
the whole way to Jamaica.

We've only been on holiday an hour.
Oh, my God!

My first memory of Usain Bolt was
at the 2008 Olympics at Beijing.

He was just 21 at the time.

And he announced his arrival to
the world in the 100 metres final.

But he didn't just win.
He made history.

Set.

(PISTOL FIRES)
They get away first time.

Powell has got a very good start.

Here comes Usain Bolt. Usain Bolt
streaking away from the field.

It's gonna be gold for Jamaica.
That is superb.

It's a new world record.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

But that was just the beginning.

Over the next nine years,
Usain dominated his sport,

smashing world records and claiming
eight Olympic gold medals.

And sometimes he didn't even bother
to tie his shoe laces.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC)

Until in 2017, when he drew the
curtain on his illustrious career.

Usain is, in my opinion, the
greatest athlete of all time.

And in a few days we'll be meeting
him face to face.

We had three days to prepare
for our interview.

I had planned to take Romesh on
a cultural tour of the island

to see how it had shaped
Usain Bolt's life.

But as Jamaica has some

of the most beautiful holiday resorts
of the Caribbean,

I thought, "Why not have
a little holiday first?"

Hello, all right?
Thank you. Cheers.

But our holiday in paradise didn't
get off to the best of starts.

We're sharing.
I didn't think you'd mind.

Sharing what?
The room.

It's an ongoing thing with Rob,
where he wants us to stay together.

Like, we were doing a weekend
at a comedy club

Rob said, "Do you want to stay
in the same room?" I said no.

He said, "Why not?"
I said, "Because I'm an adult."

Come in, mate. Look at it.

Look at this!

Look! To hell with the floor.

-We cannot share this room.
-Is this
not the best room you've ever seen?

Look, you can see the sea,
through the floor.

It's the most excited I've ever been
to see a hole in the floor.

It's called a window, mate.

He said, "What if we had adjoining
rooms with a door in between?"

No, Rob. No.
We can spend the day together

and then we can go to our separate
rooms like grownups.

We turn up at the hotel,
we check into the hotel.

The lady behind Reception
says to Rob,

"I'm sorry I couldn't sort out
the adjoining rooms."

Despite me saying no,
he still organised it.

Rob, it is an amazing room for two
people that love each other.

I love you.

I didn't think you'd mind.

You can't have... You cannot have
thought I wouldn't mind about this.

Look, I'll be honest with you,
I did ask for a twin.

I don't want to sleep WITH you,
I want to sleep near you.

I asked for a twin, but they don't
do 'em cos it's the honeymoon one.

(CORK POPS)

(LAUGHS)
Mate, get that...

Look, we'll be all right.

My idea of coming here was to get
some idea of the culture of Jamaica

and meet Usain Bolt and sample
what this place is about.

And I realise that doing that
with Rob,

there will be some sort
of compromise to that.

We're not exactly the same people,
we don't have the same interests.

What I didn't anticipate was ending
up on honeymoon with Rob Beckett.

But Rom just needed
to chill out a bit

because I had everything in hand.

Lovely, innit?

Oh. Drinks are here.

Oh, yes, please. Thank you very much.

Cheers. Thank you.
There you go, babe.

Your pina colada.

Are you all right with coconut milk?

As a vegan.

It doesn't make up for
where we're staying, mate.

In absolute luxury?

This is like a prize
on This Morning.

I'm dealing with the fact
that this might be the best pina
colada I've ever had.

You're getting into the spirit now.

What has this got to do with
Usain Bolt and Jamaican culture?

I've got loads of stuff planned.

We're going to the international
stadium in Jamaica, OK?

We're gonna watch some athletics.

We're gonna do some sprint training
as well. It's all planned out.

I know what I'm doing, but for the
time being, try and enjoy yourself.

That all sounds fine, Rob,
but why are we in a honeymoon suite?

Double acts share rooms.
-Are we a double act?
-No.

We're not a double act.
Cannon and Ball.

Ant and Dec. cookies and milk.

Grumpy and Shithead.
Good pina colada, though, innit?

Innit?
It is unbelievable.

Look at you.

-Just the right amount of colada.
-You
don't want to over pina it, do you?

♪ RUPERT HOLMES: Escape

♪ If you like pina coladas

♪ Getting caught in the rain... ♪

Even after the pina colada, Romesh
still seemed a little bit flat.

So I booked us an activity
that would hopefully perk him up.

This isn't the cultural experience
I was thinking about.

Get on, man.
Are you coming on?

I'm gonna see how fast it goes,
have a look from the boat.

Just enjoy yourself,
get into the Jamaican vibe.

You get in the boat, mate. I'm gonna
enjoy a little holiday from you.

This is textbook How To Have A Shit
Time In Paradise.

You have all the ingredients
of a good trip...

Hold on!

..and then inject Rob Beckett.

There's jellyfish!

And that turns it onto this,
which is a shit storm.

And sharks.

I think it's going great so far,
the trip.

He's being a bit hard work
and annoying me,

but he'll get that out of his system
and relax. But it's going well.

Are you enjoying it?

That's it. Can it go faster?

You fucker!

Fucking hell!
(LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY)

Oh, God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus.

Do you feel Jamaican yet?

After taking Rom on a joy ride
round the bay,

I thought we could do with something
a bit more chilled.

Do you reckon Usain Bolt does this?
I don't think anybody does this;

get on a kayak with someone
they find fucking annoying.

What we could be doing is sampling
some Jamaican culture

so we've got something
to talk to him about.

Wait, where are you now?
-What?
-Usain Bolt's Jamaican.

We're enjoying ourselves in Jamaica.

Oh, God. Your logic is just...

Basically, I am doing
romantic things with Rob.

These are things
honeymoon couples do.

The only thing we're not doing
is banging.

If you don't row in a minute,
I'm gonna get out of here

and smack your arse with this.
OK. Get out, then.

No, go on, then.
You want to make the threat?

(LAUGHS)
Let's see you carry it out.

I'm not rowing. I'm not rowing,
-look.
-When I get out the sea...

He's always got the hump and it's
always on me to try and cheer him up.

Do you know what I mean?

Why have I got to explain myself?
We're in Jamaica.

Enjoy it. Or fuck off.

Some people want everybody else
to have a bad time.

So, they set out to annoy someone,
so that they're miserable like them.

I want to make everyone feel happy.
You just want to bring people down.

I'm sorry, OK?

All right.

It's just not fair, is it?

What a grumpy bastard.

♪ BOB MARLEY: One Love

It was the and of our first day
in Jamaica.

So far, we'd learned nothing
about Usain Bolt.

I was hoping we could discuss
the interview over some dinner.

It's like a date scene
off Love Island.

What do you do with your tongue
when you eat? It hovers when you eat.

If you take Usain Bolt...
Go on, eat that again.

I was about to eat something.
When you do that, you go...

It's like a little lizard.

I'm just debating whether to...
Show me.

There it is.

I don't do that.
You do.

That's this meal ruined.
(LAUGHS)

I'll drink. Unless my dick comes out
when I do that.

Oh.

-Nice chatting, innit?
-Feels like it's
run its course a bit, but, yeah.

It was... (SNORTS)

What's wrong with you?
(LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY)

Fair play.
You owned how you eat that.

Anyway, carry on with your story.

(LAUGHS)

Why are you doing
like a villain laugh?

It's so disgusting!

That sort of tofu perv.

(SNORTS)

'Romesh and I were in Jamaica
preparing

for our exclusive interview
with Usain Bolt.'

Look at the state of this weather.

I thought it was supposed
to be sunny. What's going on?

Came out of nowhere, didn't it?
Sort of feels like Jurassic Park

when the fat guy nicks the embryos.
Yeah.

He was a right disgusting
little snake, wasn't he?

Horrible bastard, he was,
in that film.

What a thing to get
passionate about.

I really hated him. I thought, "You
fat, horrible bastard. Greedy...

I'll put one in my whipped cream.

I'll drive down, get to the ferry,
so I can get my money for the thing."

Serves him right. I hated him most
out of any film, I think.

Wow, I did not expect that.
He's my favourite film villain.

I'd arranged for us to visit
Bolt's former training camp

at the University of the West Indies.

This is where he spent countless
hours preparing for events.

So it was the perfect place for us

to get into his mind-set
for our big interview.

What's your PB at 100 metres?

The last time I was measured
running it I was 14 years old.

That's how many seconds it was - 14.

14 seconds?
Yeah.

I did it at 15,
and I think I weight 15 stone.

And I did it in 21 seconds.
I was so fat.

I looked like the Milky Bar Kid
cos I had glasses.

So I use to try
and get the girls on side

by going, "Milky Bars are on me."

Right.
A bit of banter.

-Did you carry Milky Bars?
-No, but
they used to go, "They're in you."

That's the problem.

When we arrived
at Bolt's training ground,

I had hoped we were just gonna
be given a guided tour.

But as usual,
Rob had over committed

and signed us up for
a full training session.

I don't really agree with the idea
of us doing the training.

I just don't like running. I don't
run for trains and stuff like that.

The people that run
at, like, the train station.

So you can make the train
and get to work earlier?

What are you talking about?
Missing the train is a gift.

The man charged with putting us
through our paces

was Jermaine Shand

who helped guide Bolt
to medal glory.

Usain Bolt running away
from everybody.

It's a gold. His eighth gold.

Jermaine had a whole training
session planned for us,

ending in a 100-metre race
between myself and Rob.

And on top of that we were going

to have to do it
in scorching, 35-degree heat.

It's so bright. I feel like a little
mole who's come out in the day.

Hello, Jermaine. Rob.
Nice to meet you.

Lovely to meet you.

It is fucking hot, isn't it? I just
want to get that out the way.

I just want to know that you feel
-the same.
-You will survive.

Are you ready?
-Let's do it.
-Let's go.

When you are going to a training
facility, what you expect to see

is some training. We didn't see any
training because the weather today

is too hot for the Jamaicans.

Luckily, Jermaine was going
to break us in gently.

And walk.

Are you winding us up?

Absolutely no way
-Usain Bolt does this.
-What?

I feel like I've gone skiing and
I've got two pints from the bar!

You're gonna go this way.

Like a crab?
-A crab. Right.
-OK.

Is this a thing where you bring
British people over and take the
piss out of them?

You're mugging us off.
No, I'm not, I'm not.

I've got to walk like I need a shit?
Keep that angle. Go.

Go.

Is that head all right?
Close that leg. Close. No, no, no.

Bring your feet together.

Together. Here. Bring the left in.
No, keep that angle.

Together, Rob.

Apart. Together.
Oh, OK.

Apart. Together.

Like walking!
Right.

We're gonna do one of his
favourites.

He said, 'The next thing I'm gonna
show you', he looked at me, 'is
probably gonna be your favourite.'

I'll call it the Indian Jump.

The Indian Jump.

That one? OK.

Jermaine says that I should be
naturally predisposed to that.

-The Indian Jump, mate?
-OK.
It's in my ancestors.

OK. Let's go.

Here we go. See? It's his favourite.
It is!

The Indian Jump.
The heritage is kicking in.

(LAUGHTER)

The Indian Jump. Of course I'm gonna
smash it!

If that was a white fella, I don't
think you'd have been able to
include that in the show.

This is the worst, the absolute
-worst.
-You did the Indian Jump well.

I just want to say, on the record,
this whole segment is pointless.

The idea that we need to train in
the heat to discover it's difficult,
I could have told you that.

Jermaine, we're just talking about
how much we're ready for the next
-bit.Sure. I'm ready also.
-Cheers.

'Next up, Jermaine introduced us to
one of Usain's most demanding pieces
of equipment.

But it wasn't exactly
state-of-the-art.'

Up to the waist.

It was a metal sled that we had to
pull along with a piece of rope.

A rusty little sledge? He's won about
100 gold medals. Put your hand in
your pocket, Bolt!

Go!

Go, Rom!

Keep your back straight, come on!

Yes, Romesh!

Great work.
Next! Let's go!

Romesh!

Hey, no playing in training.

Let's go. Let's go.

'After another six tortuous reps...'

'..Jermaine put us out of
our misery.'

Jesus Christ!

Bolt don't moan like this.

Fuck the fuck off, mate.
Let's go. Right here.

In the UK, we call that training.
That's it. We're done.

That was just a warm-up. This is
Jamaica. That's a warm-up.

'Now we were warmed up, Jermaine was
gonna put us to the test.

A head-to-head 100m race.'

At our fitness level, I'm sure it's
-just hope for the best!
-For your
condition, probably, yes.

On your marks.

♪ CHARIOTS OF FIRE

Set.

(CLAP ECHOES)

We made it out of the blocks,
but only just.

Because after two hours of training

in the Jamaican midday heat,

our exhausted, overweight,
disgusting bodies gave up.

Fuck this.

100 metres is quite far, you know.

'We finished in a pathetic
27 seconds.'

I sort of am conscious of the fact
of sounding a bit ungrateful,

because we are in one of the most
beautiful countries in the world

and we are gonna meet Usain Bolt,
but, still, this has been shit.

Even though the training had nearly
killed us, we felt inspired

by running on the same track
as a legend.

Now we were on our way to
the National Stadium in Kingston

to watch some future sprint stars.

This is where, in 2002, a 15-year-old
Usain Bolt would compete

in the World Junior Championships, in
front of a capacity crowd of 35,000.

He took on the best of the world's
juniors in the 200m final.

His victory set the stadium alight,

making him the youngest junior gold
medallist ever.

I don't know why race runners have
gold chains on.

Like Michael Johnson had that big
-gold chain.
-I love Michael Johnson.

Why do you love Michael Johnson
so much?

He just runs so weird. Do you know
what I mean?

Like... He can run really fast, but
he couldn't bend over to pick up
anything!

It's weird, cos I love Usain Bolt
and I love Michael Johnson,

but they couldn't be more opposite
in terms of geezers.

(US ACCENT) A lot of people said,
'You can't run like that with your
back like that.'

(US ACCENT) But I...
I'm like a country yokel!

But I sure did show 'em.

Why, hell, I'm goddamn Michael
Johnson, I could outrun Usain Bolt!

Cos I'm Michael goddamn Johnson!

And I run with a straight
motherfucking back!

My name is Michael Johnson and I
ain't gonna bend down for nobody!

I run with a straight back.

Saying all that, I've absolutely
-slaughtered the guy.
-You love him.

A few hours later, we reach
Jamaica's capital, Kingston.

By the looks of things, we were
finally gonna get the slice of
Jamaican culture we'd been missing.

But the thing with Rob is, even when
he does do something good,

he always manages to ruin it!

Hang on.
Walk ahead. Walk ahead.

I don't want people
to know I'm with you.

His first time in Jamaica!
(LAUGHTER)

That's why he looks like
such a dick.

The good thing is if somebody has
a choice between which one of us to
beat up,

they've got an obvious target.

You think the hat is too much?

(LAUGHS) I think you look great,
-mate.
-Better?

With families turning up to watch
the best go head-to-head,

we were looking forward to
potentially seeing the next
Usain Bolt,

so I was keen to get in early
and bag the best seats.

Good, innit?

Wow, it's...empty.

It's not very full, is it?

But we can, er, soak it up,
soak up the atmos.

There's not many people
dressed like me, is there?

No. But...

I feel like I stick out
like a sore thumb!

Well, you're gonna stick out cos you
-look like an albino.
-Let's get our
seats, big boy.

'Unfortunately, Rob had booked us
seats together.

It wasn't long before he tried to
drag me down with him.'

Thank you.

(SHARP HOOT)

He bought the vuvuzela, which is
a typical Beckett instrument, cos
it's loud and fucking annoying.

'And when he's like this, there's
only one way to deal with him.'

(LONG HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK)
(GIGGLES)

(PROLONGED NOTE)

(HIGH-PITCHED NOTE CONTINUES)

(GIGGLING)

That was so long. That was so long.

(GIGGLES AND SNORTS)

I've heard two incredible noises
in my life.

(SNORTS)

The first one is the cry of
my children at their birth.

I went from nought to migraine!

And the second most beautiful noise

is Rob telling me that he got
a headache immediately after the
vuvuzela.

(LAUGHS)

Thank you for this. I love it.

'With the events underway, it was at
last time for us to enjoy
the athletics.'

That poor girl fell over.

'With the 100m final looming,

the excitement in the stadium was
building

and Rob was getting swept up in the
occasion - a massive surprise.'

Hiya. Could we get some shrimps,
please?

You want some shrimp?
Yes, please.

OK, darling. For you.
You want some spice?

Yeah.
Give him some spice.

-Put it on?
-Yeah.
Put a lot on!

He can handle it. Lots!

Yes. Yeah!
Oh, that...

Keep that away from me.
Thank you.

-Smell that.
-I told you!

That is hot, mate. You're gonna be
shitting through the eye of a
needle, mate.

Enjoy, though.

(CHUCKLES)

-It's spicy, isn't it?
-Yes, it is!
You could have warned me.

I don't know if you've noticed, but
I'm new round here.

Do you drink the juice?
-If you want to.
-Yeah.

What an absolute...
It's gonna be hot!

(LAUGHTER)

(GIGGLES)

'This was the event we'd come
to see.'

Right, it's the big one.

The 100m final. Are you excited?
-Yes, I am very excited.
-Yes, Romesh!

(STARTING PISTOL FIRES)
Oh!

This is it! Come on!
Come on!

COMMENTATOR: "Baker.

The rest have been left behind.

This a two-man race now.

And for the victory... Ronnie Baker!"

Somebody I don't know,
but it was good.

In the blink of Romesh's good eye,
it was over.

America's Ronnie Baker took the 100m
in ten seconds flat.

-Been a good night.
-Yes. Thank you
very much for organising it, Rob.

-Enjoyed it?
-Very much so. Tarnished
by how much of a bell-end you look!

Apart from that, it was great.
The real Jamaica.

-Let's go.
-Go back?
-Yes.
-I'll run you a bath.

It was Rom and I's third day in
Jamaica and our interview with
Usain Bolt was just one day away.

His iconic celebration is instantly
recognisable

and was inspired by his love
of the Jamaican music dancehall.

So I've brought Romesh back to
Kingston, where I'd arranged for us
to have a lesson

with the hottest dance group
on the island, the Ravers Clavers.

We were meeting dance trio Wiz,
spelt with one Z, Silent,

and Kool, with a K, not their real
names, who are gonna teach us
a dance routine.

Don't get me wrong,
I'm a terrible dancer.

I never dance. I can't dance.
I've tried, I'm useless.

I didn't even have a first dance
when I got married.

Maybe I'm an awful dancer, but I'm
exceptional at dancehall.

I'm quite a fast learner.
Kool is gonna demonstrate.

OK, cool.

This is a step where you're
confident in what you're wearing.

I'm not very confident in what I'm
-wearing. Shall I pretend?
-Yeah.

One...two...

The truth of it is, is that we
started off, they showed us a dance

and Rob displayed
the same sort of rhythm

as an injured badger.

(GROANS)

They noticed...

that there was a runt in the litter.

-Relax.
-Relax? OK.
It's quite a tense situation!

Try to fix the shirt.

My shirt?

In the herd, there was one sort of
three-legged, mopey piece of shit,

that was gonna get picked off by
any kind of predator coming past.

He was awful.

See the foot?

His is absolutely fine, Romesh's?

Romesh is good.

Fair enough.

You don't need to check on me, mate.

Five stars on TripAdvisor.

You need to step your game up.

-Swing.
-That's it.
All right.

I was watching you, man. You're out
there saving yourself.

That's embarrassing.
We go like that.

(LAUGHTER)

Let them know who is Rob Ravers.

The... Yeah.
Good name, innit?

Romesh Ravers. Good, innit?

Have you got any other names that
aren't just our names that you could
call us?

Like Bad Man Ravers?

Indian Ravers?

-Indian Ravers?
-Not quite accurate.
Technically, Sri Lankan.

They called me the Indian Claver,

because I've joined the Clavers and
everyone here seems to think I'm
Indian.

I don't mind being called Indian.
Why would they pick up that I'm
Sri Lankan?

But why not call him White Claver?
Brie Claver? White Cheddar Claver?

Why can't he be called that?
Ghost Claver. Ghost-Face Claver!
There you go.

'An hour into the practice and it was
looking like my dancehall career was
over before it had even begun!'

I'm just gonna go for it. If I'm
gonna get it wrong, I might as well
enjoy it, but then it just clicked.

One, two, three, four.

That was good.
Yeah. Getting there.

Before I knew it, I was grooving
and Romesh was messing it up.

So, what you're doing wrong, you're
not lifting your right foot back.

He's new though, isn't he?

When he managed to actually show
a semblance of basic coordination,
they patted him on the head.

Is that better?
Much better. Good one, Rob.

He took that to mean that he'd done
really well.

As you would do. That's how it's
supposed to work.

I've done it with my own children.

My first son, 'Well done, mate,
you got full marks in your spelling
test.'

My second son, 'Well done, mate,
you stopped eating your own shit.'

You change your praise and your
feedback based on the level of
ability.

'After an intense few hours of
practice, we've mastered the basics
of the routine.'

Thank you so much for that.

'And I had a little surprise
up my sleeve for Romesh.'

I've arranged for us to perform with
the Ravers Clavers on national
television.

I don't think he's gonna take it
well. He don't like big crowds.
That's why he tours!

Magnum Kings

is Jamaica's answer to the X Factor.

Filmed in front of a live audience of
thousands and broadcast to millions,

contestants battle it out each week

in the hope of ultimately being
crowned

the King and Queen of Dance Hall.

You earned your spot here. Job well
done.

We were gonna be showcasing our new
skills

in a guest performance on the show.

All I had to do was convince Romesh.

How was dancehall? You wanted a bit
of real Jamaica.

You actually did very well.

-It was good, weren't it?Yes.
-Great,

because we're gonna be doing that
routine with the Clavers

on Jamaican national telly, so...

-Are you up for that?
-What are you
talking about?

What I've done is... You know the X
-Factor.
-Yes.

Like the Jamaican version of that.

We are dropping some dutty wines on
it.

OK, but we can barely do it in a
deserted car park, so why -

I think you'll feed off the
audience.

-I think you'll come alive.
-They'll
feed off us when we cock it up.

I genuinely think I'm all right now.
Only you would have the arrogance

to believe that practising in a car
park for a bit means we can do it on
television.

-I'm better with a crowd.
-They're not
expecting stand-up.

You can't go, 'I'm shit at dancing
but look at my teeth.'

-We gotta do the dance.
-Yeah, but I
will. I'll feed off the energy

-and I'll just...bang.
-I'm not doing
-it.
-You'll be great. See you later.

Is he taking the piss?

-See you in a minute.
-All right.
-Guys, we can't make it.
-Shut up!

Sorry we can't be there. Just... He
doesn't know what he's doing.

It's a good opportunity for you to
perform in front of a big crowd.

Sorry, Rob, I'm not actually
listening to you any more.

We can't do this. Anyway, this is
over.

The scene's out. We're out. Cut.

I don't think that's the dancehall
vibe. It's about being relaxed...

OK, sorry, listen. I thought you'd
got enough footage and we were done.

That's it! That's it! Yes, Romesh!

With our friendship feeling the
strain, it was back to the honeymoon
resort

where Rob had booked us onto another
pointless activity.

Right, you've got to stand up.
That's it. That's it, Rommy!

Yeah! Oh.

Arh!

We're trying to get into the mind,
body, soul and spirit of Usain Bolt.

So we need to do stuff to settle in
in his motherland.

So, we're doing this.

(LAUGHTER)

Uhh!

This is supposed to be us getting
culturally into Jamaica.

I was doing quite well and you kept
pulling me off.

OK, stop doing that... I'm not doing
the joke. The fucking salt in there.

Why are you such a... Do you know
what?

I think he might actually be pissed
-off.
-I was doing all right.

I was doing all right, I was getting
there and every time he's pushing me
off.

Cheer up, mate. We're on holiday.
We're on fucking holiday. Jamaica.

What is he so... I don't know why
he's so moody.

It's cos all of his other
travelogues

he's so fucking miserable. Come on,
we're in Jamaica.

As the sun set on day two of our
time in Jamaica,

there was still one thing left to
do.

Unbelievably, we were about to dance
live on national television.

When we arrived for the TV broadcast,
filming had already begun.

And as the first acts took to the
stage,

even I started to have some doubts.

(DANCEHALL MUSIC)

We weren't due on stage for over an
hour,

so we had time for some desperate
last-minute practice.

How are you feeling?

I don't... I sort of uh...

Believe me, it's OK practising up
here

but when we're out there you're
gonna properly shit yourself.

I've had four whiskies.

Our mentors and partners from the
Ravers Clavers had arrived.

But even they couldn't give us a
much-needed confidence boost.

It's just so intense here and so
loud.

And it's intense, it's terrifying,
it's intimidating

and it's Rob's fault. It's all Rob's
fault that we're here doing this.

The Clavers were not looking for new
members.

And now we're here like a pair of
pricks...going to do this thing.

We're gonna die tonight. We are
gonna die.

I don't mean in a comedic, nobody's
laughing.

I mean somebody will kill us for
insulting their culture.

(DANCEHALL MUSIC)

The waiting was torture, but finally
we were given the call to head
backstage.

We would be on after the next
commercial break.

Oh, I feel so sick.

I think it's the worst thing I've
ever done.

-Most nervous.
-This is possibly the
most nervous I've ever been.

I'm more nervous now than I was for
my first-ever gig.

Cos I think deep down I always knew I
could be funny

but deep down I know I cannot dance.

I felt like reminding Rob, for the
10th or 12th time,

that he was completely responsible
for what was about to happen.

But, as the presenter had stepped up
to introduce us, our time had come.

All right, we have something special
for you!

Please welcome to the stage, all the
way from the UK,

Romesh Ranganathan and Rob Beckett

joined by the Ravers Clavers!

-Oh, God.
-Oh, shit.

We were about to dance live on
Jamaican national television.

-Oh, God.
-Fuck me.

Check, check, check, all right.

♪ Shake that thing Miss Kana Kana

♪ Shake that thing Miss Annabella

♪ Shake that thing yan Donna Donna

♪ Jodi and Rebecca

♪ Woman get busy, just shake that
booty...

We'd barely started and people were
already laughing at Rob.

Now, I'm not saying I was good but
he was shocking.

♪ Don't take pity me want fi see you
get live

♪ Upon the riddim when me ride and
me lyrics a provide electricity

♪ Gal, nobody can tell you nuttin'
can you done know your destiny

♪ Yo sexy ladies want par with us

♪ In a the car with us
them nah war with us

♪ In a the club them want flex with
us, to get next to us

♪ Them cah vex with us

♪ From the day me born jah ignite me
flame

♪ Gal a call me name and its me fame

♪ It's all good girl turn me on

♪ Till da early mornin' get it on ♪

(CHEERING)

Even though we'd made complete fools
of ourselves, we weren't finished
just yet.

♪ ..what I know but murder she wrote

♪ Murder she wrote

♪ Murder she wrote
(LAUGHS)

♪ Murder she wrote
Watch ya now, it name

♪ A pretty face and bad character
(LAUGHS) Fuck me.

♪ Dem the kinda livin
can't hold Chaka - follow me... ♪

Mate.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, God!

-I'm so hot.
-I can't believe it.

Oh, my God. When they... I
honestly...

I felt so sick. I thought we weren't
going to be able to do it

but turns out Rob Claver and Indian
Claver have got some moves, mate.

Absolutely smashed it out of the
-park.
-Who knew?

Indian Claver, the head wobbler
himself.

-Love you, Rommy.
-All right. Listen,
I'm gonna go and get you a beer.

♪ TOOTS AND THE MAYTALS:
54-46 Was My Number

Rob and I have now spent three days
in Jamaica.

In terms of preparing us for
interviewing the greatest athlete of
all time,

Rob's research had been utterly
useless.

But, ready or not, we were on our
way to meet Usain Bolt.

-He's charismatic, cool.Yes.
-There's
these stories, you don't know if
they're true,

about how he smashed through a load
of chicken nuggets and still won the
Olym... Yeah.

All that stuff that just adds to the
mythology.

Think about big footballers. Like
David Beckham...

I'm totally not taking away from
David Beckham's stardom or
whatever...

Yeah...but Usain Bolt has become a
megastar out of athletics,

which I think is arguably... Yeah.
-..more unlikely.
-He only gets nine
seconds to perform every four years.

Where footballers every weekend -
Same as married life. Am I right?
Yeah, am I right?

(AS JOHNSON) Michael
'Mother-Fucking' Johnson.

When I have sex, I only last nine
seconds.

But I tell you what, my back's
straight.

Cos I'm Michael 'Straight-Back'
Johnson.

COMMENTATOR: Usain Bolt running to
what he'd love to be immortality as
an athlete.

Listen to the adulation.

Look at the love for this man.

Well, if this is it, what on earth
are we going to do without him?

It was finally time to meet Usain
Bolt.

How's it going?

And, after travelling 5,000 miles
and spending three days researching
his subject,

this is the best question Rob could
come up with.

When did you first realise you were
fast? Were you running for a bus

and thought, "Fucking hell, I've
-overtaken it."?
-Jesus.

Was there a moment when you were,
"Whoa!"?

The story was actually cricket.

I was a fast bowler so I was running
in and bowling

and my cricket coach said, "You know
what? You should try to run. You're
pretty quick."

I tried it and I was really good.
(LAUGHS)

-Were you hyperactive as a kid?
-Yeah.
Very. Very, very hyper.

My mum took me to the doctor because
I wouldn't stay still when I was
younger.

-Really?
-She was like, "There must be
something wrong with this kid."

The guy was like, "Nah, you just had
too much good stuff when you were
pregnant

and now he's full of energy."I had
the opposite problem.

I'd be at home and my mum'd come
back and think I was dead, not moved
off the sofa.

What would you say is the best thing
about being Usain Bolt?

When I meet famous people what I
love about it

is they actually know who I am. I'm
always surprised, you know what I
mean?

Even though I know that I've done
great things, I'm always surprised.

Especially footballers. And they go,
"Oh, my God, Usain, blah, blah,
blah."

True story. The other day, when I
was in England, I was in the club.

It was the end of the season and all
the Arsenal players were out.

I saw all the players and I was
saying hi to everybody.

And I was like, "Yo, where's
Aubameyang?"

Because everybody says he's faster
-than me.
-Oh, really?

And I always wanna say, "You're no
good. Why did you go to Arsenal?"

Anyway, I went to the bathroom, I
was coming back out.

One of the promoters said, "Yo,
here's your boy."

He said something but I didn't hear
cos the music was loud.

So I was like, "Oh, cool." Had a
conversation.

"Yo, let me get a picture." Took a
picture.

Went home, sleep. Woke up in the
morning I'm getting tag, tag.

I look - Aubameyang.

(LAUGHTER)
I didn't even know it was
him. I was like...

I wanted to say so much and then...

got the moment and then just blew
it.

Has there been anyone you've met and
you felt nervous, starstruck?

-Beyonce.Really?
-Yeah.

I had a whole conversation set up.

-You panicked?Panicked.
-What did you
actually say?"Hi."

That was it. And then there was an
awkward silence.

Oh, my God. How intimidating must
Beyonce be if you got scared?

Beyonce's the only person I've ever
met and I was like,

"Any time I meet Beyonce this is
what I'm gonna say."

-Was Jay-Z staring at you?
-I don't
know. I wasn't looking at him.
(LAUGHTER)

COMMENTATOR: They get away first
time.

Here comes Usain Bolt. Usain Bolt
streaking away from the field.

It's gonna be gold for Jamaica. That
is superb.

Usain Bolt gets it.

COMMENTATOR: His place in history
has been cemented.

-The London Olympics.Yeah.
-Was it
any good?

-It was good.
-Better than Rio and
Beijing?

Why I love London is that every
session was full.

-Mm.
-Morning session - full.

Evening - full. They really
supported track and field. It was
massive.

That's a sign, a testament, to how
shit Britain is.

That as soon as something amazing
happens, everyone turns up.

There's nothing else happening.

You can elaborate on this as much or
as little as you like,

but I've heard a rumour that in the
Olympic Villages during the
tournament...

I've heard.
..everybody is banging everybody.
I think it's the swimmers.

I think it's the swimmers. All
right, so we always start

-at the end of the Olympics.
-Right.
OK.

So the swimmers start at the front.
Most of the...

Everything ends at the start.

But track and field is the last
thing.

So we ain't having no fun.

-Right.
-So you can't let loose. But
the swimmers...

So when the last day comes, that's
the last day of the Olympics.

And the swimmers are like, "I'm
shagged out."Swimmers have a week.

So if you're really talented
athletically,

but you like getting on it -
swimming.

-(LAUGHS) Yeah.
-Cos you're done early
doors and you've got three weeks
to...

-Live your life.
-Obviously you're the
big dog.

You're the absolute legend. Everyone
loves you, even the other athletes.

There's not much chill time. Is there
a VIP room where only people who won
golds go?

-No, no.
-Cos if you get, like...no
offence but like a pole vaulter from
Kazakhstan like, "Usain!"

You're like, "Come on, mate, you're
not, are you? You finished 18th."

If I was you I'd be walking around
just like,

"Mate, I don't talk to bronzes."
Yeah! (LAUGHTER)

"Why don't you go and hang out with
your crew?"

COMMENTATOR: That celebration began
10m from the finish line.

You're obviously famous for
celebrating before you've finished
the race.

Do you regret it and think, "I
could've gone faster" or are you
happy you did it?

Or do you wish you started
celebrating earlier, like from the
start?

Put your arms up straight from the
go.

That would be start. Straight off
the blocks, "Yes, mate!

See you later, pricks!"

(LAUGHTER)

No, I don't regret it. It was cool.

You know what I mean? How cool does
-that look?
-It did look cool.

So, do you still take an interest
-and follow it?
-Yeah.

Then somebody says, "There's a guy
that we think is gonna be a good
prospect."

And you go, "That's great" and
inside you're thinking, "I hope he's
shit."(LAUGHS) No.

-Be honest, come on.
-No, man, no, no.
Hope he doesn't break my record,

but while I was running -What about
-if it was me?
-Yeah, that would annoy
me.

(LAUGHTER)
If someone's gonna break
my...

I want it to be somebody I go,
"Yeah, I can see you breaking my
world record."

You could still do it if you really
went for it. Six months training.

If I could... Not six months.
-No? A year?
-It's not as easy...

-Right, so another year off.
-Yeah.

And then just smash it for one more
-year. Go to Japan.
-Kill it.

You could liberate yourself from
having to win. You go,

"This is the big thing. Usain's
back, he's done no training."

-Nothing.
-And then you don't have to
win. "I didn't do any training.

I was eating a chicken drumstick
while I was in the race."

Yeah, that'd be... That's the way to
-do it.No.No?
-No.

Thank you so much. We really
appreciate the chance to chat to
-you.
-Thank you.

So, after four days in Jamaica, we
had finally met our man.

We'd had a lot of fun with him and it
had been humbling

to sit down and chat with a true
living legend.

Still think he should do Tokyo
though.

COMMENTATOR: Usain Bolt is the
Olympic champion.

Probably the biggest margin of all
time.

A new world record for Usain Bolt!

He has blown them all away.

How can you do that?

He came on to the scene as a
15-year-old.

BOLT: I have a goal. I want to be a
legend.

Stamp my name in history.

And then, at the end of my days, I
can say I'm a legend,

a living legend.

..set...

Look at Bolt go!

Bolt's gonna do it again.

The champion becomes a legend.

He has no equal. He is just
incomparable.

I am number one!

(GROANS WEARILY)

(SIGHS)

'Night, Romesh.

This is bullshit.

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