Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

ROB: Welcome to the special edition of Rob and Romesh Vs.

Oh!

Wahey!

ROMESH: Over the last four years,

we've thrown ourselves into a whole host of different worlds...

To find out what we like... (YELLING)

Oh! ..and what we don't.

Oh. Jesus Christ!

I don't like it, mate.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

From the catwalks of fashion...

-Love that! -I look like an intergalactic flasher.

..to the fields of the NFL... Touchdown! There's the spike!

...the NBA courts...

..even Jamaican TV.

Please welcome Romesh Ranganathan and Rob Beckett!

Tonight, we look back at some of our favourite moments

from the past three series.

(YELLING)

That's quite good, innit?

Rom. Are you excited about fashion?

I just think that you're not a fashion person

if the number one remit for a garment is "Does it hide my tits?"

100 per cent. That's why the bomber jacket is good.

You've got your T-shirt down the middle. Tit flanker in the jacket.

Yeah, that's why I always get excited when it starts to get cold.

-Layers. -Because layers... Yeah. -Layers are your friend. -Oh, my God.

They're such a friend. So what would be your--

What is your physical hang-ups?

You do your top three, I'll do mine. -OK. Stomach. -Yeah.

-Eye. -Eye. I would say the eye is distracting,

but gives you a bit of character. What do you mean by distracting?

Sometimes, when I look at you, I don't know which eye to pick.

Sometimes it just goes for bridge of nose.

That is one of the worst things -anyone's ever said to me. -Really?

But sometimes-- Only when I overthink it--

I've known you for ten years.

Are you telling me that over that ten years--Yeah.

..you've had times when you think, "I'll just look at his nose?"

If you look at anyone and overthink it, you panic

and don't know where to look.

Rob, I'm not a car crash. Sorry, I didn't-- I just--

It's not just you-- "I don't know what to focus on

"when I'm looking at you." Not all the time!

"I look at your nose to avoid looking at your distracting eye."

And also, you said it straight after

I told you it's one of my biggest hang-ups.

You're literally--That is bad. Literally, psychologically,

the worst strategy you could have taken.

Tell me your three hang-ups so I can shit on 'em for you.

Sorry, that was bad. So your belly, your eye, what else?

My arse. Belly, eye, arse.

My three... It counts as two separate ones, tits and nipples.

Tits and nipples. Cos if the tits went,

the nipples are still a problem.

You can see, like, bulbous lumps through my T-shirt sometimes.

-No, you can't. -You can. And that is what a friend does.

(LAUGHS) OK? Cos I'll be honest with you, I have noticed your nipples.

(LAUGHING) But I didn't say it like that

because I know how to deal with a human and be a friend.

(LAUGHING HELPLESSLY) "I have noticed your nipples!"

The moment had come.

It was time for us to do our final photo shoot. In our underwear.

To say I was anxious would be an understatement.

Everyone's got body hang-ups, haven't they?

You know? I've got larger than normal nipples.

Burger nips, Jaffa cake nips-- Jaffnips, they used to call me.

So I'm-- I'm, you know, anxious about them.

But then, they're all gonna be out, aren't they?

You know? SO I'm gonna be worried about that, my little dick...

A number of things will cause me anxiety,

but I've just gotta get on with it, cos I wanna become a model.

-Boys. -All right, Micky.

-Ah! -The final photo shoot.

We're a bit nervous. -I'msure. -I'm not happy about this.

I know this is scary, but I know you can pull it off.

I'm not pulling it off. -Sexy. -Oh, sorry. Yeah. The shoot.

Now, we're recreating the famous David Gandy

Dolce and Gabbana swimwear shoot.

It's fine. It is what it is. I've not used any socks,

but, um, let's go with what nature's provided.

You can do this, Rob. You can do -it. -So you want me down there?

Yeah, you're straddling this here. Sure.

(LAUGHS)

And Rom, you're back here.

So you're straddling as well, but your head's coming this side.

(LAUGHS)

(SNORTS) Oh!

(ALL LAUGHING)

So--I feel like I'm in prison.

OK. Can you sit-- -Gotta sit upright. -Higher.

That's--Oh! (LAUGHS) Sorry, sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh, that was so--

Oh, that wasn't good. I hope that was a sock, mate.

I haven't been this close to my wife in about three weeks.

That's better. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that beard.

Mate, I can't. Banter off for five minutes.

That's great. You lean slightly over, Rob.

Your body leans slightly that way.

My body--Fabulous.

It took a while, but eventually we managed to stop laughing

long enough for Nicky to take some more photos.

Perfect. Bring your head forward a little bit for me, Rom.

We were starting to feel like David Gandy.

That's great. It's heavenly.

Finally, we were becoming models.

Lovely.

-Yes! -Oh, God!

(LAUGHS) I can't do any more.

I'm done, mate! Fuck me!

Oh, fuck! Which way out?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Rob and I were in Birmingham, to train with the city's prestigious

Birmingham Royal Ballet Company.

And pas.

After watching the professionals in action...

We are bang in trouble.

..and taking to the dance floor ourselves...

We look like shit.

..it turns out that, frustratingly...

Good, Rob... Rob Beckett is one graceful little prick.

Welcome to ballet.

Look at that.

Oh, check that.

Oh, I actually like having hair this length.

I think it's--Can you imagine you're at a nightclub or something?

Think, "Oh, she looks quite stylish.""Oh, she's nice. Hey."

Oh! Urgh! (ALL LAUGH)

Ahem. Excuse me, mate. Uh, know where the toilets are?

Yes, I do, He-Man.

What do you reckon?

I actually think, weirdly, that kind of suits you.

Oh, hello. Am I into death metal?

How do I... How heavy do you like my metal? Very heavy.

(ALL LAUGHING) This is my favourite. Do you know what?

That's the first one that actually looks like it could be your hair.

Yeah, you-- I don't do telly for a few years.

Yeah."What happened to Beckett?" "Oh, he's running that--""Hi."

I'll be on Through the Keyhole. Yeah.

"Yeah, he's just got a lot of gothic stuff."

Beckett's opened -that comic book shop. -I love bats.

I love bats, comics... Yeah. And rock hard riffs.

Yeah. And do you know what's -so good about it? -What's that?

You got the wig, your outfit's compl--

That's exactly how they'd be. -Yeah. -The outfit, yeah.

Well, I opened the, um... sort of Samurai sword shop in '93.

(LAUGHS)

Having tried on nearly every wig in the department,

it was finally time to be fitted for the wigs we'd be wearing on stage.

Oh, hello.

And they weren't quite what we were expecting.

-Oh, hello. Oh. -You've got a little crown that goes over the top.

Oh, no. (LAUGHING)

It's good-- Loads-- It's closer--

If you just hold on to the sides... What am I playing?

What's my role? Paedophile? -Just lower that onto your head. -OK.

-Here-- Oh. -Here we go. And move your finger...

Do-- I-- I feel like I need a moustache.

You have got a moustache. -Thank you. -Thank God.

Can't go curtains and--Can you imagine he comes on like that?

Are you ready for your crowning -glory? -Yes, please.

Let's spin you a little bit. And this...

This'll make--is what instigated the CRB check.

♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da ♪

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hi, um, I've come for the job about the au pair.

OK... Welcome to parents' evening.

I honestly... Your chi--

Welcome to parents' evening. Your child has been excellent this year.

I don't think you could look more like a paedophile than you do now.

You look like such a paedophile,

other paedophiles wouldn't hang out with you, you're too obvious.

-I'm the giveaway.Yeah. -The net -would close. -You'd blow their cover.

-As a mate... Yeah. -I think you're -a good-looking guy. -Mmm.

But right now, you look so horrible I can't even deal with it.

Loom... Imagine this looming over -you. -So disgusting. Just sweating.

Happy anniversary. (LAUGHS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

But before we were allowed to strut our stuff in the Bullring,

Marion had one final surprise,

as principal dancer Tyrone Singleton introduced us

to the perfect way to wind down after a busy day of ballet.

OK, so basically, as a professional ballet dancer,

after a day's full hard work,

the best way to recuperate your muscles

is to dunk yourself in this here ice bath.

So... over to you. Good luck. OK.

I'm not doing this. This is mental, innit?

Right, I'll go this side. I'll go-- Just put your--

No, I'm not going in. -It's like doing a shot, right? -OK.

OK, feet.

(YELLING)

Oh, my--

It's getting cold. It's getting worse.

It's not getting warm! Supposed to get used to it.

(SCREAMS)

-Aaah! -Oh, God! Aaah!

I can't do this. I can't do this. I cannot do that.

Oh, my God. (BOTH YELLING)

Aaah!(GASPING)

You all right, guys? It doesn't-- I can't--

It's impossible to do, mate.

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, it's not pleasant,

but you've just gotta, like, surrender to the pain.

-You just have to go through. -OK.

I'm not gonna lie, you just gotta jump in, gotta commit, go for it.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING AND LAUGHING)

Oh, fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Help! Someone help! Someone help!

Oh, fuck me! Someone help me!

Oh... Mate... Fuck!

Fuck you, Tyrone! I've not got-- (YELLS)

Aaah! (BOTH GASPING AND LAUGHING)

(SIGHING)

God, that is mental.

Did the training, done the ice bath,

now I'm gonna spend the next hour trying to find my dick.

Let's go. OK. I don't think it's in there.

ROB: Romesh and I had arrived at Lincoln Field,

the home of the Philadelphia Eagles,

for the opening game of the season against the Atlanta Falcons,

and I was determined to make it a day even Rom would enjoy.

Here we are, Romesh. Philadelphia Eagles.

I'm giving you -the full NFL experience. -Yeah.

-Tailgating. -Yeah. Booze, food and games.

Right. My three favourite things.

What time is the actual game? Fly, Eagles, fly.

No, no, no. What time is the actual -game? -Nine o'clock.

What time is it now? Three? Three. Yeah.

Six hours?

-Yeah. -So we're doing a nine-hour day?

That's longer than my mum's Royal Mail shift, mate.

You gotta soak it up, mate.

We were here six hours early to meet the Eagles'

notoriously passionate fans

and experience the American tradition of tailgating...

Go, Birds!

..where the faithful gather prior to the game to drink beer...

ALL: Eagles!

..burn meat...

ALL: Eagles! (CHEERING)

..and shout... ALL: Eagles!

..a lot. (CHANTING) E-A-G-L-E-S! Eagles!

Eagles! Eagles!

-Good!Yeah! -Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Whoo! ALL: Yeah!

(CHEERING) Yeah!

Whoo! Go, Birds! Yeah!

I tell you what, Romesh, I'm fuckin' 'avin' it now.

After nine of these and that shot, I'm into it.

MAN: Go, Birds! That's it. Eagles!

(DRUMMING) ALL: Fly, Eagles, fly ♪

But to be considered a true fan,

you need to undertake the beer bong baptism,

which consists of two pints of American lager

poured through a funnel directly into your mouth.

-Are you ready?Yes! -Yes! To join Eagles Nation?

And the man in the hat is E-Rock,

the self-proclaimed undisputed King of Tailgating.

Yes!

(ALL SHOUTING)

And we drink...

Drink, bitches!

(ALL CHEERING)

ALL: E-A-G-L-E-S! Eagles!

Eagles!

(CHEERING)

Yes! WOMAN: Beer gods!

That was... Light work! Congratulations, you guys!

None of it on you. (LAUGHS)

I'm throwing it out there, Rom. Thanks for that!

I think this might be better than the actual game.

I've got absolutely no doubt about that.

I feel like I'm at an actual frat party.

What I would say is they can't really-- they can't really drink.

I mean--They can't. They can't. They think they can.

What's that? Like, a cup of little... piss beer?

And then those shots! I mean, it's insane.

What was that? Ribena? But that's what's so funny.

It's really intimidating. You go, "Oh my God, they're on it."

You try it and go, "All right, this is Ribena. Nice."

I wanna bring 'em to the football. Like, "Shall we do it? Aaah!"

I wanna take 'em Millwall,

where they've gotta do 15 pints of Stella then try and watch a game.

Guys, you like to do a shot of Ribena and some piss-weak beer.

We like to do 15 pints and then stab someone in a car park.

I love it. I do love it. I love it.

I've never had this much fun in a car park.

I've never had -this much fun with you. -Aww!

Cheers, Bobby. Let's do it. Tailgate.

Eagles!

Romesh and I are in LA learning all we can about basketball.

Our training session this morning had been an absolute nightmare.

Here! That's you! ALL: Ohh! ROB: Yes!

And what was supposed to be a post-workout relaxing spa trip

was quickly becoming a disaster.

-I don't need water up me arse. -Your colon is the sewer of your body.

My colon's a sewer?

There was no turning back now.

I was about to have my first ever colonic irrigation treatment,

and to top it off, Rom was coming along for the ride.

-Hi. -Hiya, you all right? How are you today?

-Yeah, I'm all right. -OK, Rob.

I'm Chantilly, I'm gonna be your therapist today.

-And Romesh. -Nice to meet you. OK, all I need you to do

is just lie on your back -so we can get you started. -OK.

Now, what's your reason you're having the colonic today?

Um, a woman--An iPad. Yeah, an iPad-- lady with an iPad

told me that it was essential.

-OK. -I don't know the best way to say this.

How much tube will be in my bottom?

About a half inch. -Half an inch. -Yes, sir.

And who inserts the tube? Rob will insert the tube.

I will help him guide it in, but he will definitely insert it.

So, this is the tube. Oh, for--Shit.

OK, so we're gonna get you started now.

-Don't jump.OK. -Just, I want you to breathe and relax if you can.

-Let me have your hand. -Oh, my God. -You just insert it. -Oh!

Guide it in. I need you to breathe and relax.(SIGHS)

Very good, breathe and relax.

-Oh!OK. -Oh, my God. I'm connecting your speculum.

-You're connecting my speculum? -Yes. Take a deep breath. OK?

Go ahead and turn -on your back. -On my back?

Keep your knees bent, because my hand will be here most of the time.

This is mental. OK.

How much are you enjoying your NBA experience so far?

I thought there would be more basketball.

OK, Rob, if you could look over here?

-Yeah. -This tube gives you water.

-OK. -So, right now I'm filling you with water.

-You're filling me with water. -Yes. I'm going to release the pressure.

Oh, yeah, there it is, that's--

OK, I'm gonna flush you again. That actually-- that is better.

That is quite comfortable. -Does that feel nice? -OK, good.

You're doing really well.

OK, I'll give you a little massage -on the tummy. -Where's that going?

This is going--On my tummy? OK. Yes. Here on your sigmoid area.

You're doing really great, mate.

(MACHINE WHIRRING) -Oh! -Well done.

This is good.(LAUGHS) Do you want me to...

Yeah, actually--Right up in here.

Yeah, because you can focus on the feeling then.

(LAUGHS)

Oh! (BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, this is not good! Oh, no, my botty!

Aaah-- Ohhh!

Chantilly! (GROANS) I'll bring it back now.

(CHUCKLES) Oh!

And take a deep breath again.

Your stool is starting to release right now.

Oh, that's my-- There it is. Oh, Jesus Christ.

(EXHALES)

I don't ever want to look at that tube again.

(LAUGHING) Oh, God! Why are you looking?

Why--I can't! I can't!

I've just seen-- OK, take another deep breath

and just relax your core. -Relax the core. -Mm-hm.

Pretty backed up there.

-I am backed up, ain't I? -Mm-hm. -That does happen when I fly. -Yeah.

They're starting to break apart, faecal matter.

Oh, Jesus! -There we go. -There we go.

A lot coming out, isn't there, -Chantilly? -Yeah.

Oh, fuck. Please! It looks like a bitter shandy.

Oh, God! (WHIMPERS) -OK. -Oh!

It's a bit red, as well. Ohhh!

-Yeah. -Is that too red? No, that's what you've eaten.

Something in the colon. -Beetroot. -Yes.

It's firing through now, innit?

-Oh, my God. -OK. You feel it? It's marching out of me.

Yes, it's the gas pressure. Oh, my God.

And just breathe. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck. I'm so sorry, I'm sorry.

Chantilly, I don't like looking at that.

-Oh, Jesus! -There we go, That's a lot.

Oh, my God. That's one of the worst things I've ever seen.

-Oh, my God. -Oh, my God!

It feels like there's been a fire alarm in my stomach.

Are you feeling a little lighter -in the area? -Yes.

OK. I'm gonna send you to the restroom.(GROANS)

Rom, will you get out of the way?

Will I be able to get to the -restroom? -You will.

-OK.OK.Good luck. -Yes, -turn to the side. -OK. Oh, my God.

-And--Oh, my God. -Go, go, go.

-Oh! -Thank you. Take your time!

That was a good one. (GROANS) He had a great cleaning.

I need a moment. (GROANS)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

So, to teach us our routines,

Alan hooked us up with some of his friends.

Rob was paired up with his drag mother, Dolly Trolley.

-Hello. -Hello, darling. I need-- I need help.

And I was with the sassy CaraMel.

-Hello, hello. -You're a cutie! Hello, how are you?

♪ Who's a sexy chick? ♪

I feel weirdly more confident

when we have all the makeup and the clothes on,

but doing it dressed like I'm going for a run--You feel--

It feels a bit more-- it's a bit more nervy.

Yeah, as if this makes it more -sensible. -I know. It's mad, innit?

You know what'd make this easier? A full face of makeup and a dress.

So before we could learn our routines--

OK, I'm ready. That's all right, isn't it?

..we got into character by finding our inner queens.

I look like the head of the Asian Metallica fan club.

Oh, she's gorgeous!

Oh, there we go. She's ready for the nightclub.

-That's better, innit? -Yeah.

This isn't drag, is it? Look at me.

Look like I've just come out of the toilets at Gatwick. On a stag do.

"Oh, we've got my wig and some shoes."

Lovely. Should we have a strip to Madonna?

Yeah, why not? Let's do it.

If this ain't the time, when is it?

♪ Come on, girls

♪ You believe in love? ♪

Rob's screwed. He's got no musical ability whatsoever.

Here we go, slow, slow, quick, quick, quick, quick.

♪ Put your love to the test ♪

So in terms of him having to do something to music

while dressed as a woman?

(LAUGHS) Then you know your love is real ♪

He's done. Express yourself ♪

-Lovely. -That was all right, weren't it?

-To be honest? -Yeah.

I don't think we're gonna make you too dancey.

♪ I can't take this ♪

And if Rob wasn't gonna be too dancey...

what was expected of me seemed to be the exact opposite.

♪I'm tellin' you Loosen up my buttons, babe

♪ Uh-huh! But you keep frontin', uh

♪ Sayin' what you gon' do to me

♪ Uh-huh! But I ain't seen nothin'

♪ I'm telling you to ♪

Stop!

OK, there's absolutely no-- (BOTH LAUGHING)

There's absolutely no way I'm gonna do any of that.

-That was amazing. -Whoo! Thank you. That was really good.

-I know, right? -How long did it take to put that together?

Oh, honey, it took me, like, a day.

Honey, I'm gonna take this spirit, this talent and throw it in you.

Help you receive it. Let's go. Come on.

♪ This ain't gonna be easy ♪

Yep, Cara was a mean task master. Let's go!

And if I was gonna have to learn a new routine...

Fuck! ..I had my work cut out.

♪ Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah ♪

Dah... dah...

Bend forward. And if you can, look at your booty.

And then whip.

Hup, hup, hup. Aaah!

And then down, up. Come on.

-Hold on. -You can-- I'm not gonna be able to do that.

All right, then do-- Yep, yep. Ha, ha!

Anything that requires getting up off the floor,

going down to the floor,

any illusion that I might have created is smashed to pieces.

I mean, come on. Because I can't get up gracefully.

I watch Cara do it, she's bang, straight up.

I do it, it's like I'm getting up from having a fall.

Get up! Up, up! Come on!

Poke that booty out, bring it down low.

Now shake it. Uh! Uh! Uh!

If you stick your tongue out, sometimes it helps.

-Uh! -Uh!

Now spin. Ah!

Uh! Uh! Uh!

-Yes! -Oh, fuckin' hell.

Oh, no, she's tired.

Oh. No, I'm dizzy. Uh-oh--

-Holy shit. -Medic!

Medic! Oh, God!

But if our dancing wasn't bad enough,

we were also going to have to lip-sync.

My instinct just tells me, go out there,

and if I keep just going "I'm every woman" and just go mental...

Yeah... I reckon I could drag it through on energy.

As long as I know that "I'm every woman" bit, that's--

the main bit of the song, innit?

♪ I'm every woman ( SINGS ALONG)

♪ It's all in me ♪

♪ Anything you want now, baby ( VOCALISING)

When I look in the mirror, I just... Naturally ♪

(LAUGHS) I see half an act.

♪ I'm every woman ( SINGS ALONG)

♪ It's all in me ♪

I just don't know where the other half is.

And I don't know if I will find it.

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

That was quite good, weren't it? Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

-Really good. -Yeah, I mean--Even if you--Look, let's face facts.

It was out of time, I don't know any of the words,

and I was late to certain points of that quite dramatically.

Well, I'm bang in trouble, aren't I?

We all know that. Do you know how I know that?

Normally, when we film this, there's a bit of laughter with the crew.

Silence. Just a worrying dread.

I'm in so much trouble.

It turns out lip-syncing isn't as easy as I thought.

And back in the other room...

♪ Our love is here to stay Yeah, yeah, ooh ♪

Lip-syncing wasn't a problem for me.

-Uh-huh. Uh-huh. -But my dance routine definitely was.

♪ My anaconda don't My anaconda don't ♪

♪ My anaconda don't want none Unless you got buns, hun

♪ Oh, my God ♪

Cara's such an incredible dancer.

Oh, shit!

And I'm so incredibly shit at dancing.

There's one move in particular

where I've got to sort of sexily slink to the ground

into kind of a pussycat wanting to fuck position,

is the best way to describe it.

(LAUGHING)

I can't do it without looking like I'm gonna cry.

I've managed to take the light out of her eyes

with my complete inability to work my arse.

I mean, I've got the--

(MUSIC STOPS)

OK! Um...

(LAUGHS)

That was cute. I forgot the music stopped for a second.

I was just so in a trance...

by your, um, floor work.

Ahem.

I am very, very, very, very far

from where I wanted and expected to be at this stage.

I've done a shitload of training

and I am nowhere near where I need to be.

So between now and the performance, I'm gonna have to work my arse off.

That was your ending, sweetheart.

Thank you.

♪ Well, I'm back

♪ Are you pleased to see me? ♪

ROB: Whoa! Yes!

-AJ, we're back again. -Yeah. The journey continues.

What annoyed me about the last one we did was that AJ really liked you.

You know, like, I wanted to be his pal.

-Yeah. -You know, because I'm a big boxing fan.

He's one of the coolest men on the planet.

Do you not think you come across as a bit...

-You're yappy, aren't you? -I'm a bit needy. I'm a bit too full-on.

In your heart... Yeah...you're a wonderful, wonderful person.

-Yeah.I love you. -OK. But encased in that... Yeah?

It's like the tiniest Russian doll is the good Rob Beckett,

and then around that... Yeah.

..there's six other, progressively larger Russian dolls

of an annoying prick, -do you see what I mean? -Sure.

So once you know that little... Yeah...the tiny one's in there...

Yeah...you go "Do you know what? I'll put up with this."So...

someone like AJ's just seeing the Russian doll that's a prick?

Yeah, and also, it was almost like you put on another--

another coat of prick... Yeah,..before you met him,

because you were so keen to... Be pals.

I think I got him to sign too many gloves.

Well, you-- Eight gloves, right? Yeah.

I text him as well. So bleak.

I text him like, the day after we met, saying, "Hey, AJ."

Jesus Christ. Uh, "Good to-- good to meet ya."

I bet you did a little, sort of, trying to put a gag in.

I think I did a emoji boxing glove, which I think I regret--

That was the the day after? -The day after. -OK...

And what did he say in his reply?

-Well, he didn't reply. -Oh, no. That's right. He didn't reply.

OK, so, then... Yeah. -He doesn't reply. -No.

So you text him again... Yeah...a month later.

And what did you say in that text? "Hey, AJ."

-Did you say "Hey, AJ" again? -Yeah.

"Hey, AJ, got my tour show next week. Do you fancy coming?"

So desperate. Right? It gets worse.

-On the beg. Go on. -So then, that was a week...(LAUGHS)..before.

No reply.

"Hey, AJ."Oh, my God. Did you honestly?

-Third? -Uh... A third text?

"Hey, AJ, I've got you on the guest list, plus--"

I think it was, like, ten.

"I'm gonna have to, like, release some. Let me know."Oh, my God.

You put the false pressure on it!

-Oh, my God! -I did say it. But it had sold well,

so I did wanna try and sell 'em if he weren't coming.

Nothing. And then I've not replied -since. -Well done.

-Yeah. -Right. Playing it cool.

Send him a text now. I can't, I'm driving.

Give us--No, no, no, no, no, no, -no, no, no. -Look, dude.

-No! -No, dude, just let me text him. What's your--No.

Because he's gonna think I'm a dick.

"Anthony Joshua."Oh, God. I wasn't sure, but I thought it'd be funny.

"Hello, mate. I've got you down on my guest list

"provisionally coming to my gig." Oh, God! Provisionally!

I said provisionally!(LAUGHS)

Aaaagh!"Do you reckon--" Oh, this is awful.

Stop reading. Please stop reading.

Oh, my God, there's another one! -No! -Fuck! Mate!

You--(LAUGHING) What did I say?

What did I say? I don't wanna hear it!

I don't wanna hear! Put a song on.

What have I said? "Good luck tomorrow, mate.

"Remember, it's just a hobby that's got outta hand."No!

"Enjoy it, Beckett." Oh, that's awful!

Beckett! (LAUGHS) That's awful.

Because he said-- We were chatting about it. Oh, no.

Oh, God, no. Oh! (LAUGHING HELPLESSLY)

Ugh!"Good luck tomorrow, mate." Oh, no, I've given him advice.

"Remember, it's just a hobby that's got outta hand."Oh, no!

Why've I given AJ adv--Why did you sign it Beckett like you're mates?

I'm trying to be friends with him, ain't I?

I'm really trying hard to be friends with Anthony Joshua.

-Oh,God. -Fucking hell, that's good. (LAUGHS)

When we interview him, you are gonna bring that up immediately.

100 per cent. First thing.

So we're gonna look at Rob's, then? Yeah, sure.

-Oh. -Yeah. I wanted to do more,

but I thought the point of restriction was to not.

But it looks more like a burger, doesn't it?

Maybe it needs a bit of freedom. Maybe this--

this is restriction, and now freedom's here.

-Yeah? -I think we made a coll--

Ooh. It's a freedom-restriction collab.

-Yes! -There he is.

But if that's Romesh's... Yeah, you've gotta do yours now.

-All right. -This is Rob's.

(LAUGHS) Fucking hell!

It got on his teeth. It went in my mouth!

I was fine with it, it went in my mouth.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Go on, make your mark.

What are you doing?

Oh, yours actually looks like a face.

Oh, my-- Fuck's-- You look like a pirate.

-You hit me so hard. -Sorry, sorry. You went like that.

It was so forceful, it went -in my mouth. -I'm so sorry.

Oh, there's a bit of wood there! (LAUGHS HELPLESSLY)

(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, God!

Oh! (BOTH SIGHING)

Oh! Do you know what? I think maybe I need a bit of restriction.

Oh!

Now that we've been initiated as honorary safari rangers,

head vet William Fowlds had a special job for us.

OK, so the plan is to do a management procedure

on a female white rhino.

-OK. -Uh, she hasn't conceived,

so we just wanna make sure that that is the case.

OK. So how did you find out if she's -pregnant? -We're gonna scan her.

That's the 100 per cent way -of doing it. -Yeah.

If she's positive, she's definitely pregnant.

-OK. -It's a rectal scan, but in order to get the probe in,

we've gotta clear out her rectum of all that digested grass.

-Yeah. -So what I need you to do is help me clear out the rectum.

There's a lot of grass there, they eat an enormous amount of food.

It sounds like you're saying that we're gonna clear out the rectum.

Yeah, that's exactly what you're gonna be doing.

-Rectum's the arse, innit? -Yes.

Clearly, we've become the go-to guys for faecal-related challenges.

But before we could get stuck into the task at hand,

we had to locate the rhino, which meant, as William took to the air...

MAN ON RADIO: The signal is in that direction you're flying now.

..we followed in hot pursuit on the ground.

Rob, I'm gonna tell you this now. -Mate. -Genuinely buzzing.

We're trackin' a rhino!

-See the chopper. -The chopper.

There's info on rhinos if you wanna look?

Thanks, I'm all right. Don't know if we'll see a rhino.

I'm seeing a bellend. What's that?

Huh? Nothing. (LAUGHING) Can't hear a word!

MAN ON RADIO: There's the signal.

William had spotted our rhino. But there was a problem.

Oh, yeah. There were two of them.

So what will we do with the other rhino? What happens there?

-We'll do one each. -One each?

All right.

OK, I won't be doing that after, I'll tell you.(GROANS)

Now in our sights, William will need to put the two-ton animal to sleep.

Yeah, it looks good. You can dart when you're ready.

Yeah, let's go.

And surprisingly, it wasn't by watching an hour of cricket,

but a jumbo-sized tranquilliser... (DART FIRES) ..to the arse.

WILLIAM ON RADIO: OK, the dart is in.

As soon as the rhino goes down, we move in.

Oh, my God. And you grease up your arm.

With the arse dart taking just minutes to kick in,

the team swings into action.

But with the danger of the other rhino charging in at any moment,

the helicopter heads back into the sky

to herd any threats away from the team.

I'm a bit concerned about what we've gotta do, though.

Cos we got a two-minute briefing,

but I don't know if that's long enough.

I'd argue that the hand up the arse stuff

should have been a bit more detailed before it was started.

I mean, I suppose, what can you say? -Put it up there, scoop it out. -Yeah.

So with one rhino on the run and another out for the count...

Guys, I'm going rectal.

Because he'd lost the spitting challenge, Rob was going in first.

Give me your hand here. As much lube as possible.

Happy to do anything for the lady. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, God!

All right, in you go. Good luck, Bob.

OK. I'm bit too eager there, ain't I?

-So just do it like that? -Yeah.

And you'll feel the difference between squishy membranes...

(GAGS)..and grass. I don't like it, mate.

Still glad we're missing the cricket, you prick?

Rob was first up. I hoped he was only up.

-Oh! -There we go. Well done. First one. Next.

-Next. -You have a go.

You're not done. Where's your glove? I can't do it.

I don't-- I don't wanna go back in. Don't wanna go back in.

Rob lost his temper.

Oh, mate-- (LAUGHS) Do you-- Look, get your glove on!

Why's he not got a glove on? Someone get him a glove.

I think we ran out of gloves, eh? Get him a glove or we'll fall out.

There's no way we've come this far

for only one of us to go up that rhino.

In you go, boy. There you go, bit of lube, come on.

-OK. Straight in. -So, you'll feel the wet, moist membranes,

and then just keep going until you feel the grass balls.

I have to get really in here.

I think it's coming out of her mouth. You might wanna ease off.

The inside of a rhino's arse is... is distinctly unpleasant,

and that's even before we talk about the smell.

My arm, I think for the next six to eight months

is gonna smell like the inside of that rhino.

So, having got closer to a rhino than we'd ever expected to,

it was time for head vet William...

He's gone there, mate, ain't ya? Fully in.

..to make his assessment.

Not pregnant. -Not pregnant. -Not pregnant.

So there's a slight chance that...

that uterus is just still out of my reach.

I don't think you could have give any more there, mate.

We're going to see if we can pick -it up on the blood test. -OK.

♪ It's the Circle of Life ♪

So now we're waiting on the blood tests to see if she was pregnant.

Some would argue, just do the blood tests, but, you know.

Think there's a strong argument for that.

(LAUGHS)

(WHISPERS) This is insane.

-What's going on? -I thought I lost my phone.

What, you left it up there? Like, I'd go back in. Ring it.

That was unbelievable.

I mean, rhino shit aside, that was truly amazing.

Missing the cricket to do something like this

was actually pretty special, but I am now itching to get back.

♪ The Circle of Life ♪

It was the end of our first day in Jamaica,

and so far we'd learned nothing about Usain Bolt.

I was hoping we could finally discuss the interview

over some dinner.

It's like the, uh... a date scene off Love Island.

If you take Usain-- What's with your tongue?

Your tongue hovers when you eat. If you take Usain Bolt--

Go on, eat that again. No, I was about to eat--

Yeah, when you do that, you go...

It's that little lizard. I was debating whether--Show me.

There he is.

-I don't do that. -Youdo.

Well, that's this meal ruined. (LAUGHS)

I'll drink, unless my dick comes out when I do that.(LAUGHS)

Oh! (CHUCKLES) Hello.

(SIGHS) It's nice chatting, ain't it?

Feels like it's run its course a bit, but yeah.

It was re-- (LAUGHS)

What's wrong with you? (LAUGHING)

Fair play, you owned how you eat now.

(LAUGHS) Carry on with your story?

(LAUGHING HELPLESSLY)

Why are you doing, -like, a villain laugh? -Oh!

Oh, it's so disgusting!

You're like some sort of tofu perv.

As the sun set on day two of our time in Jamaica,

there was still one thing left to do.

Unbelievably, we're about to dance live on national television.

( DANCEHALL SONG PLAYS)

When we arrived at the TV broadcast, filming had already begun,

and as the first acts took to the stage,

even I started to have some doubts.

We weren't due on stage for over an hour,

so we had time for some desperate last-minute practice.

How are you feeling? I don't-- I sort of, uh...

It's OK practising up here,

but when we're actually out there... Yeah.

..you're gonna properly shit yourself.

I've had four whiskies.

Our mentors and partners from the Ravers Clavers had arrived,

but even they couldn't give us a much needed confidence boost.

It's just so intense here, it's so loud.

Um, it's intense, it's terrifying, it's intimidating.

And it's Rob's fault.

It's all Rob's fault that we're here doing this.

The Clavers were not looking for new members.

And now we're here, like a pair of pricks,

going to do this thing.

We're gonna die tonight.

We're gonna die, and I don't mean in a comedic, nobody's laughing,

I mean, somebody will kill us for insulting their culture.

The waiting was torture,

but finally, we were given the call to head backstage.

We would be on after the next commercial break.

Oh, I feel so sick.

That is the worst we've ever done. The most-- The most nervous.

This is possibly the most nervous I've ever been.

I'm more nervous now than I was my first ever gig.

Because deep down, I always knew I could be funny,

but deep down I know I cannot dance.

I felt like reminding Rob for the tenth or 12th time

that he was completely responsible for what was about to happen,

but as the presenter had stepped up to introduce us,

our time had come.

All right, we have something special for you.

Please welcome to the stage, all the way from the UK,

Romesh Ranganathan and Rob Beckett, joined by the Ravers Clavers!

(HORNS BLARE) -Oh, God. -Oh, shit.

We were about to dance live on Jamaican national television.

-Oh, God! -Fuck me.

♪ Shake, shake, shake, all right

♪ Shake dat ting Miss Kana Kana Shake dat ting Miss Annabella

♪ Shake dat ting yan Donna Donna Jodi and Rebecca

♪ Woman, get busy Just shake dat booty non-stop ♪

We'd barely started, and people were already laughing at Rob.

Now I'm not saying I was good, but he was shocking.

♪ Don't take pity

♪ Me wah fi see you get live 'pon di riddim when me ryde

♪ And me lyrics a provide electricity

♪ Gyal nobody cah tell you nuttin'

♪ Ca you don't know your destiny

♪ Yo sexy ladies want par wid us

♪ Inna di car wid us Dem nah war wid us

♪ Inna di club dem wah flex wid us

♪ To get next to us Dem cah vex wid us

♪ From di day me born Jah ignite me flame

♪ Gyal a call me name And it is me fame

♪ It's all good, girl turn me on

♪ 'Til a early morn' Let's get it on ♪

(CHEERING) (HORNS BLARING)

Even though we'd made complete fools of ourselves,

we weren't finished just yet.

♪ Murder, she wrote Fi real, fi real

♪ Murder, she wrote

♪ Murder, she wrote (LAUGHS)

♪ Murder, she wrote

♪ Watch ya now, it name A pretty face and bad character

♪ Dem the kinda livin' can't hold

♪ Chaka, follow me! A pretty face-- ♪

Mate.

Oh, God, I-- I just can't believe it.

Oh, my God. When they-- I honestly-- I felt so sick.

-Love you, Rommy. -All right. Listen, do you know what?

I'm gonna go get you a beer.

Our time in New York was nearly over,

but David had arranged a final rendezvous

at one of the city's most iconic locations, Times Square.

And he's not here. (SIGHS)

Well, I say give it five minutes and then let's just leave.

He said eight o'clock sharp, here.

He said opposite the Starbucks, the Paramount Building and the flag,

so we're in the right place.

He said, "I'll see you there at eight."

He dropped a pin and gave me the exact location.

Where--

But he said it's bit muggy.

What?

He's not coming, Rob.

Oh.

That's the worst thing ever.

Oh, shitting hell. That is so horrible.

This is unbelievable.

I've been so...

(BOTH LAUGHING) What the shit?

Oh, my God. That is so...

That's the worst thing I've ever seen.

Why? What is it advertising?

(LAUGHS) What is it advertising?

Oh, they're not-- people are notic-- Oh.

Oh, Christ.

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God, my tits.

Look at my tits, Romesh.

Look at my-- It's all right for you!

Look at my tits!

In the middle of Times Square!

Oh, my God.

I seriously took one for the team.

-You're loving this. -I'm not-- Look at that! That's all me!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Are you Rob? Yeah. No, that's not me.

-Are you Rob? -No, that's not me. We just look like them.

-Please. -Oh, for God's sake. Look!

It's so horrible. -Don't you love it? -No.

♪ You've got the look You've got the look ♪

It looks like we're advertising ourselves as a couple.

Oh, my God. This is--

♪ Closin' time, ugly lights ♪

Don't look that big from up here.

They look fuckin' enormous from here.

♪ But you are a natural beauty Unaffected ♪

Rob, it's not gonna change.

Your tits ain't gonna shrink, mate. Let's just go.

(LAUGHING) Let's go kill Gandy.

♪ Versace on the floor

♪ Ooh

♪ Take it off for me For me, for me

♪ For me now, girl

♪ Versace on the floor

♪ Ooh

♪ Take it off for me For me, for me

♪ For me now, girl

♪ Versace on the floor ♪

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