Original subtitles

♪ Go Ninja! ♪

(Randy) I was chosen to protect my school

from the forces of evil.

I am the Ninja.

I am Randy Cunningham.

Where are you, Julian? Where... are... you?

-(phone ringing) -Uh...

Hey, Cunningham, I came by

so you could walk me to school, and, uh, well, we got a problem!

-Is it Julian?! -It's worse!

Howard, Julian has all the powerballs.

I'm not coming down from here until I find him!

Ohh... In that case: It's Julian! He's here!

I'm on my way!

Where are you, Ninja? Where... are... you?

Sir, I finished installing the monster alarm at Norrisville High.

-So? -So next time a monster attacks,

-we'll know. -So?

So where there's monster, there's Ninja.

-Mm? -When that alarm goes off,

we'll capture the Ninja! I'm a genius!

Gonna find you, Ninja.

Gonna... find... you.

(grunting)

All right, Julian, time to...

Julian? Hey, where's Julian?

Oh, yeah, he's not here.

Howard! There is nothing more important

than finding Julian and stopping him before he takes over the universe!

-Eh. -(gasps)

(hammering)

-Is that a...? -It is.

-Are we...? -You are.

Cunningham, you're moving!

-(grunts) -(gasps) Drowning!

Why'd you throw water on me?! How'd I get to my room?!

These are not the pants I put on this morning.

That's not important right now!

But... these pants are not the pants I put on.

I overheard your parents. You're moving tomorrow!

I'm moving tomorrow?!

-(whimpers) -We are not gonna let that happen!

Pack a bag. You can hide out at my house!

Mm?

I can't do that.

Oh, you're right, it's the first place they'll look.

Ah! We'll get an apartment!

If I'm moving tomorrow, I have to stop Evil Julian today.

I'm thinking a two bed/two bath on the West Side.

Pool'd be a plus, but no jacuz? That's a deal breaker.

If I was amassing my power, where would I hide?

-Hey-ya Ninja! -The sewer! That has to be it!

(thunder rumbling)

Or Mt. Chuck... is another option.

And, yes, you're gonna have to cover all the rent.

And utilities. And food. But I'll bring the bean bag!

Also, can I borrow your bean bag?

Cunningham? Cunningham? Cunningham?!

(grunting)

Ninja-Hand-Drill!

(grunting)

(panting)

(gasps) Huh?

Come to me, my minions!

Together we will plunge this world into darkness!

So begins my reign of shadow!

Evil Julian! Not on my honkin' watch. I gotta stop 'em! But how?

How? Huh. How to stop Evil Julian...?

-(Nomicon humming) -Thank cheese, Nomicon! I got nothing.

Please tell me you got something.

(grunts) (yelling)

What the juice?

What we got here?

What do I want from me?

-Freedom. Here take my hand. -(shudders)

No, let me go!

(gasps) Woof. Sure are a lot of lowlights here.

You got any highlights in these holes?

(screaming) Help...

Fine, yes, I get it, I've shoobed up a lot!

Just tell me how to beat Evil Julian!

Tell me what to do!

"When facing an unbeatable enemy, seek an unlikely ally."

That's not a plan! That doesn't even make... (yelling)

Unlikely ally. Where am I gonna find...

(phone ringing) Huh?

Howard! Of course! He's totally unlikely!

Real cool, Cunningham. We were supposed to run away together!

Listen, I need you to get to Mt. Chuck as fast as you can.

You wanna run away to Mt. Chuck?

(chuckles) I mean, it's a little rustic for my taste

but if the utilities are included, it could work!

All right, don't sign anything 'til I get there!

Huh? Where'd he go?

He's right behind you, Ninja!

H'oh boy. Ah!

(screaming)

We've played this game before, Ninja! You cannot win!

Oh, I'm not doing it alone. I got unlikely help on the way.

(groans) It's usually here by now... Late... bus.

(grunting)

My army is coming, Ninja!

Yeah? Well, I got backup, too!

And my backup is gonna kick yo backup's butt.

Is this the Crosstown?

(speaks indistinct)

Oh, the 23 goes crosstown.

-(speaks indistinct) -Fifteen minutes?

Yeah, I can wait 15 minutes, I'm in no rush.

(horn honks)

(laughing) (roaring)

What... the juice... is that?!

The first of many!

My soldier is hungry!

Hi-ya! Ha!

I guarantee you my soldier is hungrier than your soldier! (chuckles)

(Howard, sing-songy) Money goes in the slot, slot spits it out.

Taking out the dollar and tryin' to flatten it out.

(grunting)

Put it back in the slot...

-(buttons beeping) -(whirring)

Aw, a hanger?!

(grunting) Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!

-(grunting) -(roaring)

H'oh, boy.

(panting)

Getting here... was so hard.

A loft? I had not considered that.

Howard, thank cheese! Nomicon says to beat Evil Julian I need an unlikely ally.

I'm thinking you flank him from the left...

What the juice are you talkin'?

You're gonna help me defeat Evil Julian.

Are you out of your honkin' mind?!

What makes you think I can help you fight this thing!

But the Nomicon said...

Newsflash! Nomicon don't know shoob!

But... we fought the Sorcerer together.

Oh, yeah, OK, cool, good idea, you got the Tengu Stone?

Because last time you turned me into a bird demon,

which gave me the power to be useful in a situation like this.

Right, right, right, yeah. No, I kind'a forgot about that.

(roaring)

(laughing) Now destroy them!

Run! Run!

What's it look like I'm doing?!

Yes! Yes! Oh, yes!

Ninja! It's getting hot back here!

Ninja-Cheese-Snag!

We're gonna make it!

(yells)

We didn't make it.

Yeah, I caught that, buddy.

Enough! Give up, Ninja!

Never! You're gonna have to destroy us.

As you wish.

-(gasps) -(roars)

Yep, OK, I'm not doing this.

No, no, no! What are you doing, what are you doing?!

(laughing) They have doomed themselves!

And now nothing will stand in my way!

So, where was I?

No!

(gasps) No!

If I am to bring forth my army, I must gather more power!

-(Howard grunts) -(gasps) What happened? What happened?

Well, the good news is we're alive. I think.

What's the bad news?

You might wanna see for yourself.

(gasps) H'oh boy.

For the record, I wanted an apartment on the West Side,

not a floating rock in the land of shadows!

Why is my suit wet?

Oh, yeah... I squirted you with this hose.

(gasps)

-(screeches) -Stupid Land of Shadows.

There must be a portal here somewhere, or a wormhole, or a warp zone.

Yeah, warp zone, that sounds right.

There's nothing here. Just a bunch of rocks, and pebbles, and Julian.

Julian?! Wait, Evil Julian or Good Julian?

-(giggling) -Annoying Julian.

Hello! Looks like, my rock wants to go this way. (chuckles)

Well, lovely seeing you!

And now we're neighbors with Julian.

You know this is all your fault, right?

(groans)

Oh, my! Sorry about the mess.

We weren't expecting company.

-We? -Where are my manners.

Ninja, Howard, meet Tyler.

Don't talk like that around our guests.

Do you want them to leave?

I'm so sorry. He's such a grump.

-Mm. -Snacksies!

I hope no one's stalactose intolerant! (giggles)

Eww... We gotta find that warp zone.

(laughing)

(indistinct chatter)

-Greetings, former classmates. -(all gasp)

This is the part where you scream.

(all screaming)

My, my. I haven't tasted terror like this in quite some time!

(laughs)

(screaming continues)

(thunder rumbles)

-(alarm beeping) -(groans)

This thing won't stop squawking!

Sir, that's the monster alarm!

-Why's it squawking?! -There's a monster at the school!

Oh, there's a monster at the...

What are we standing here

listening to this thing squawk for? Let's roll!

He licked that thing down to the nub.

Julian, we gotta get you out of here.

I'm afraid it's impossible, Ninja. (giggles)

Come on, Julian. You must have seen or heard of some way out.

Well, I've heard tell of a portal...

Except I don't know where it is.

But Tyler does!

We are not following Tyler!

Tyler says, "First, we get off this rock!"

-Hmm? -Hm.

Uh... come on.

(grunting)

(screaming)

Down there.

(screaming)

(grunting)

We made it!

Tyler says, "That was the easy part."

Next we must pass the deadly and hazard-filled swinefield.

-(farting sound) -Huh?

-(sniffing) -(screaming)

It's deadly. And hazard-filled.

Then we must scale the strange and arduous cliffs' faces...

-(biting sound) -(yelling)

They're strange. And arduous.

Finally, we must cross the creepy and grotesque sea of larvae...

(groans) Oh, this is creepy. And grotesque.

I told you.

How much... further to the portal?

It is in... the cave.

Oh...

What? It's just a cave.

-Oh... whew. -But it is dark and ominous.

I knew it!

(grunts) I've drained my power balls, yet nothing!

No mayhem, no pandemonium, no chaos!

I should be teeming with power right now!

I'm teeming with power right now! I can feel it surging through my veins!

(roars)

What's going on? Where's the Ninja?

Who the honk are you?

That's what the kids say, "Honk."

There's a new Sorcerer in town!

What happened to the Old Sorcerer?

I have absorbed all of his power,

and now I will use it to rule your world!

I think we should go...

Listen, I had kind of a thing with the old guy,

promised me a superpower in exchange for my help.

He said he didn't need my help!

Who does this shoob think he is?!

"Shoob." That's what kids call stuff that's wonk.

Tyler says a man in fancy pants will show us the way to the portal.

Oh, a man in fancy pants, he says?!

Come on, Ninja, Tyler's yankin' your scarf!

What brings you to my cave?

Whoa, those are some snazzy trousers!

I believe you owe Tyler an apology.

Sorry, Tyler.

Kind sir, we come seeking your portal.

It lies just on the other side of this pile... of bones!

Why is there a pile of bones?

(roaring)

The gateway to your world lies through the beast!

Hey, we're almost there, guys!

The portal's just on the other side of this beast.

(grunts)

-(roars) -H'oh boy.

Huh?

There's no portal behind this beast!

Ninja-Rings!

Ah!

(Randy) The portal! It's inside him!

We don't have to get past the beast!

-We have to get through it! -What does that mean?!

We have to let the monster eat us!

What's that, Tyler? You don't want to do this?

Oh, well, if Tyler's not doing it, I'm not doing it.

You know what, I think I'm with Tyler on this one, Ninja.

Howard, it's the only way back!

Yeah, well, maybe I don't wanna go back.

Don't wanna go... What? It's honkin' awful here!

If we go back and you lose, we die.

If we go back and you win, we're separated.

Plus, that whole getting eaten by a monster thing.

Which I am not into.

-I don't have a choice. -There's always a choice.

You chose to spend our last day Ninja-ing...

Howard, we were never gonna run away and get an apartment together.

I know that. But you could have at least pretended we were going to.

Hey, just because I'm moving away doesn't mean we won't always be best...

-(screams) -Best what?!

We won't always be best what?!

...friends!

Now, to bring forth my unholy army

and reign terror throughout your world!

...friends!

Ninja?!

There you go!

Delivered him right to you!

He knows you had nothing to do with it.

He does now, big mouth.

Welcome back, Ninja.

I robbed the Sorcerer of his power!

I am now stronger than you can ever imagine!

I'll be the judge of...

(groans)

Way stronger than I imagined.

"When facing an unbeatable enemy, seek an unlikely ally."

Who's supposed to help me?!

Don't look at me. We're dealing with a juice-ly un-Bruce Shoob here.

See, that's what the kids...

Oh, you don't get it, you're not cheese.

(laughing)

No. No, no, no, no! Team up with the Old Sorcerer to defeat the New Sorcerer?!

I can't do that! Can I?

Ninja-Sorcerer-Freedom-Flip!

-(whirring) -(laughing)

All is lost, Ninja.

-My prison... -He's too weak, Ninja.

He can't even get out of his hole!

(grunts) Whoa!

Come to destroy me, have you?

Not exactly.

Hey, you wanna help me take this shoob out?

It would be my pleasure.

Holy Cheese! Plot twist!

Huh?

Ninja-Air-Fist!

Ahh!

-(whistles) -(roars)

Ninja-Rings!

Ninja-Tengu-Fire-Ball!

Wait!

No! My power!

It was my power first... 800 years ago!

(laughing)

Ninja-Putting- An-End-To-This-Ring!

It's over. We did it!

-Not quite. -What?

Seriously?! I let you out!

And I totally appreciate it.

(screams)

(both grunting)

Smokebomb!

Hm?

(screaming)

Ahh!

Boo-pus!

I have looked forward to this day for centuries.

Vengeance is mine!

-(screaming) -(grunting)

That was terrifying!

What the juice did we land on?

-(groans) -Landed on the Sorcerer!

-What is happening?! -What is happening?!

-Oh, hello, evil me! -Stay away!

(giggles) That tickled!

-Where did I go? -Howard!

(scoffs) We're apart for five minutes, and you let the Sorcerer out?

This is why we have to stick together!

-Get off of me! -Get me off of him!

(groans)

-What are you doing?! -Trust me.

-I don't trust you! -Ninja-Ring!

Never doubted you for a second, Ninja!

Those belong to me!

-My power! -My shoe!

(gasps)

(screams)

(screams)

-The day was mine! -It is over.

Huh? You...

Us.

-Thank you for freeing us. -Mm-hmm.

Whoa! Surprise ending!

A thumbs up? An 800-year-old thank you

and you give him a thumbs up?

Sweet cheese! I did it. I defeated the Sorcerer!

I never thought you had it in ya'.

Honestly, neither did I.

Ninja, why didn't you tell us

there was an evil Sorcerer under our school?!

Doug, allow me to answer that question with a question of my own... smokebomb?

If I'd known things were gonna go this way,

I'd have worn different shoes.

-So, I'm gonna... -Me, too.

(both whimpering)

-I can't pull away. -Me, either.

(video game sounds)

(man on game) You have punched none of the graves.

-Eh, you OK, pal? - (sighs)

-(doorbell rings) -Mort, doorbell!

-(doorbell rings) -Heidi, doorbell!

(groans) I hate answering the door when I got the blues.

What... are you doing here?!

(yelling gibberish)

Your parents bought the house next door?!

(yelling gibberish)

That was the plan all along? You were never moving away?!

You didn't ask where we were moving!

You just flew into one of your rages!

I do fly into rages, don't I?

Classic mix-up! Classic mix-up!

Hey, wanna come over to my house?

-Got any snacks? -No, no, we just moved in.

Not interested.

Howard? Howard! Howard!

Ah! How good was that, Cunningham?!

So good! I really thought you were gonna leave me out here!

(speaks indistinct)

We gotta get walkie-talkies.

Or, like, two cans on a string.

You were just kidding about not having snacks, right?

You enjoy those snacks, Ninja.

Your greatest battle is just around the bend.

(chuckles)

(chirp)

(McFist) Surprise ending!

-Howard, the ball! Get the ball! -Hmm?

(grunting) Here we go... Oh, no... (screams)

(laughing)

-Get the ball! -(grunting)

-Oh, boy! Lost my shoe. -(laughing)

(grunting)

-Yes, did it! -Hey, where's the ball?

D'oh. Forgot the... (yells)

-(laughing) -You better not be laughing at me!

Hey, Whoopee, just popping in to see if you're OK.

So... you OK?

-Well, yeah. -Are you in danger?

Well, yeah.

-Are your underpants too tight? -Well, yeah.

-(both laughing) -It's not in the script!

Whoopee, do you wanna lick Howard's face?

-Well, yeah. -He wants to lick my...

(farts)

-(groans) -It wasn't me, it was Whoopee!

-Right, Whoopee? -Well, no.

Oh, come on!

-(yelling) -(grunts)

(man) Cut! Randy, you're supposed to hit the wagon.

Right, right. Let's go again.

-(screaming) I'm on a horse! I'm on a horse! -(man) Cut!

-(screaming) -(grunts)

(man) Not even close.

Whoa! Falling!

How was that? Pretty good, right?

(man) Let's go again!

Ow! I think we got it. Moving on.

(chewing)

-Has he ever said anything to you? -No, not a word.

We're the stars of the show, he's never even said, "Hello."

How much mayonnaise does he got on that sandwich.

That's disgusting.

(man) All right, Creep, we're ready for you.

And... action!

Cut! Great job! That's a wrap for the Creep!

Uh, you know he gets paid the same as us, right?

-Wait a sec, we get paid for this? -What? No...

Principal's office, almost there. (screams)

-(laughing in background) -OK, all right,

who ran an extension cord through here?

I'm at full Ninja sprint. This is not safe.

(grunting)

Really stuck in there.

Just gonna give it a good old Ninja yank.

Seriously? The entire show is run off of one outlet?!

This is ridiculous! I'll be in my trailer!

-(grunting) -(laughing)

Hey, could somebody plug the show back in, please?

Throw every weapon we've got at him, Viceroy!

(laughing) Missed me!

-Oh, man. -(man) Cut!

(grunting)

-Need another pair of Ninja pants. -(man) Cut!

(grunting)

-Huh? Why is this happening? -(laughing)

(grunting)

Yes, still got my pants!

-Come on! -(all laughing)

That one's definitely going on the gag reel.