Original subtitles

♪ Go Ninja! ♪

(Randy) I was chosen to protect my school

from the forces of evil.

I am the Ninja.

I am Randy Cunningham.

Mmm... meow...

Cunningham! How are you asleep right now?! Get up!

Uh, huh. Why? Emergency? Monster? McFist?!

It's 5:58 am. Or as I like to call it:

(crying sound) My birthday!

I would'a let you sleep, but I knew you couldn't wait to show me what you got me.

-Got you? For your birthday? -I mean, it's gotta be big.

(chuckles) After what happened last year...

♪ You did it You birthdayed ♪

♪ You've aged another year ♪

♪ Have a free birthday sundae cake ♪

It's vegan. Hmm.

Hey, Howard, what's going on...

Aah! I forgot your birthday!

You promised that you'd never forget again.

And I didn't! I didn't.

So... whattaya got?! Oh, I'm so excited!

Wait, wait don't tell! No, tell me!

Wait, don't tell me! No, tell me! Wait don't tell me!

Yeah, No, no, no. OK, tell me.

Wait don't tell me. No, tell me.

Wait don't tell me! Yeah, no, no, no. OK, tell me.

-(Nomicon hums) -(screaming)

Hm?

Uh, I know, I forgot Howard's birthday!

How could I forget? I'm a terrible friend.

Come on, you gotta help me!

Hm. "Sometimes protecting someone

is the most dangerous thing a Ninja can do."

Protecting... Nomicon, that's it! If I lie to Howard,

I can protect him from knowing I forgot.

You really got my back on this one Nomi-cuz.

(sighs)

Wait, don't tell me. No, tell me!

-Oh, I'm gonna tell you. -Yes, tell me!

-I'm gonna tell ya! -Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me!

Oh... you, uh... Ri... You wanna know right now?

You wanna know what it is right now... Ahh... uh...

-Eye... -You what?

(Randy) Ham... tank-ing...

...yo... toe... um...

You ham taking me toe where?

I, uh... Space-Fist One!

Is what eye ham tanking yo toe!

Space-Fist One?

Yeah, you love space. It's like your favorite thing.

It is? Ooh... it is! Ho-ho-ho!

-Hah-hah-hah! -Hmm-hmm-hmmm!

Hep-hep-hep!

Hm. Could you give me a minute?

I am... not having pants on.

(groans)

Space-Fist One! It's glorious...

Why did I build it again?

To explore the stars

and further mankind's understanding of the universe.

-What? That's a terrible idea. -I'm kidding.

We're launching a satellite that targets the Ninja and blasts a Raptor-Bot at him.

We live in a golden age, don't we?

Unfortunately, Norrisville's beloved Ape-stronaut Neil Apestrong has retired.

I heard he promised his old lady he'd never fly again.

Ha! What a wimp.

We need to find a replacement pilot.

Ooh! This one might have the stuff.

(retching) I'm sorry...

This never happens...

Oh, there's the stuff! He's gettin' it all over the place!

Ah? Ah? Pretty Bruce-tastic, right?!

-What's wrong buddy? -I dunno...

Looking at a spaceship for my birthday?

I mean, you had a whole year to plan it and it just kinda feels...

Oh! Wait a second... you're messing with me! There's more, isn't there?

Buuuhh, you got me. There's so much more.

Oh, what is it? Tell me. Oh, wait no, don't tell me.

OK, tell me! Oh, wait, no, don't tell me.

OK, tell me! Don't tell me. Tell me! No, don't... Tell me!

Uh, we are going...

Two boards... the shuttle!

Yes! That's it! We're going two boards the shuttle!

You're taking me on the ship? Why would we go on the...

-Oh, I get it. Ho-ho-ho! -Ha-ha-ha!

-Hm-hm-hmm! -Hep-hep-hep!

So...

-To the ship! -Ha!

How do we get this door open?

(electronic voice) Door. Open.

Hm.

OK, OK. Can I open up my eyes now?

I never said you had to cover your eyes.

But if I don't cover my eyes, it'll ruin the...

...surprise...?

Cunningham, where the juice is my surprise party?

Oh, uh... Surprise... We did it!

This is your idea of a surprise party?!

Ugh, Howard, I didn't plan you a surprise party.

Then what was all that "Hah-hah-hah," "Hep-hep-hep" about?!

You were bluffing?! Did you not even have a plan at all?

What? No, of course I had a plan.

This was just a... A... thing to do while everyone was gathering at your,

well, I guess it's not a surprise anymore, surprise party.

Don't forget to act surprised, OK?

Oh! Oh, I'll act so surprised.

Where we going? Where's it gonna be?

Uh... PJ McFlubbusters. For a surprise... birthday... lunch.

That's it, yeah, a lunch!

(electronic voice) Launch sequence activated.

-What? Launch?! I said lunch! -(screams) Help me!

-What's with the floating? -There's no gravity in space.

Uh. Some evil genius you are. It's called grabbity.

Sweet cheese.

I just lunched my best friend into orbit... on his birthday.

I have to save him... But how? I'm not an astronaut.

(gasps) But he is.

-(doorbell rings) -(monkeys screeching)

Captain Apestrong, sir! Sorry to bother you, but it's an emergency.

I accidentally lunched my best friend into space.

(both screeching)

I can't believe it. I'm in space!

I'm freaking out! No way I'll be able to make my surprise party from space.

Gah! Gravity button? What's gravity?

(gasps) Oh... Grabbity. Ha!

Whoever labeled that button must have not paid attention in skyence class.

(monkey sounds)

I know you promised your wife you'd never fly again, but I need your help.

Mrs. Apestrong, trust me, I get it.

I wouldn't ask, but someone's life is on the line.

Please. I'm gonna lose my best friend.

(groans)

(screeching)

Ape-pollo 13?! So... Bruce!

This one better have the stuff.

(grunts)

He ain't got it.

(Randy gasps)

Look, there it is!

-Are you sure about this? -(screeching)

(grunts) Whoa...!

♪ You did it You birthdayed ♪

♪ You've aged another year ♪

♪ Have a free space ice cream brick ♪

It's freeze-dried. (groans)

(Randy) Hey! Got enough for two?

Ninja?! Yes!

Oh, thank cheese! You have got to get me

back to earth so I don't miss my surprise party!

Howard, uh... about your party...

So, should we call McFlubbusters and tell them we're gonna be late,

-or whadya wanna do? -We don't need to call.

I was lying about your party.

You mean, there's no surprise party at PJ McFlubbusters?

No, uh, because, uh, because...

It's... on the moon, baby!

"Sometimes protecting someone is the most dangerous thing a Ninja can do."

Ugh, no, I don't wanna tell him. It'll crush him.

What is going on?

Your surprise party isn't on the moon.

No cheese.

To be honest... I forgot your birthday.

I was trying to protect your feelings by lying about it, but all that...

Ow! (groans)

-(machine boots up) -(computer voice) Ninja detected.

-(flatulence) -(McFist) Oh! 'Scuse me.

-(roars) -(screams)

(grunting)

(screams)

Ninja-Kick!

Well, this is officially

the second weirdest birthday I've ever had.

-You're welcome. -Not a thank you!

(grunting)

Shnasty!

Uh! Double shnasty!

Huh... Uh...

Huh? Yes! Anti-gravity!

(chuckles) It's pronounced grabbity.

(grunts) Ninja-Electro-Balls!

(straining)

Honkin' space-gravity. That's it! Space!

Howard! Open... the Air-Lock... Hatch!

How do I get the Air-Lock Hatch open?!

(electronic voice) Air-Lock Hatch open.

Ah, that'll do it.

(yelling)

Ninja-Orbit-Kick!

(screams)

(screeches)

(both) No!

Neil!

He was too pure for this world!

I just killed Neil Apestrong.

-And ruined my birthday. -And stranded us in space.

Not to mention, ruined my birthday.

-We're gonna die up here. -On my birthday.

Yes, I ruined your birthday and I'm sorry!

But I think we're past that now.

I... I shoobed it. I shoobed it all.

Hey, look on the bright side:

If we die up here, I won't have any more birthdays for you to forget.

Thanks, buddy.

(all screaming)

-He's alive! -Neil!

-Can you fly this thing?! -(screeches)

We're saved! Get in here! Howard, open the cockpit door.

(screaming)

How do I get the cockpit door open?

(electronic voice) Cockpit door open.

(gasps and groans) Are you kidding me?

Little more... Little more...

Perfect.

Next year I'm planning my own party.

-And I will not forget it. -Yes, you will.

Ah, you're right, I probably will.

(all laughing)

Well, it took all day, but we finally did it.

The one ape that's got enough stuff to fly Space-Fist One.

Make me proud, son.

(shrieks)

-Eh... Grabbity... -Oy!

(bell rings)

(panting)

For honk's sake, run! We're late for class!

Whoa, whoa!

-(grunting) -You boys know the rules:

no running in the halls!

Aw, c'mon P-Slims, we're gonna be late!

And then you'll punish us by making us spend lunchtime in your office again!

Then you better walk fast.

-(grunting) -Speedwalking counts as running.

-(bell rings) -And you're late. See you at lunch!

-Mmm. So may good rules! -(groans)

Principal Slimovitz, you're killing us with all these rules.

It's like we can't follow one without breaking two others.

Got my review with the School Board today.

Just want to make sure I've got everything under control.

I think it's time to teach the rules a lesson of our own.

Teach the rules a lesson? With ketchup?

-Are you even listening to yourself? -No, I'm not.

(giggling)

Wow, I have missed a lot of these!

Uh, things are going to change around here.

Ah! Something's on my face!

-(giggling) -It came out of my book!

I have to warn everyone!

Doh!

(Slimovitz) Attention students: Someone has sabotaged our books!

Destroy all reading materials immediately!

(all gasping and screaming)

Whoa!

(knocking)

Ah, hello?

I'm here for my review.

(door shuts)

Irving Slimovitz.

In your estimation, how excellent are you at principaling?

Um... very excellent?

Does that look like very excellent to you?

-But that wasn't my fault! -Any of these your fault?

(giggling)

We've got rules being broken left, right and sideways up in here.

For the safety of all our children, you're fired!

Please! Give me one more chance!

I don't think so.

NHS has been chosen

to take part in an experimental principaling program.

(gasps)

You just got replaced.

Mm...

What the honk is this?

The latest in educational head wear.

PAL: Principal-Assisted Learning.

That sounds like one of P-Slim's wonk ideas.

No, no, no. Due to yesterday's rioting incident,

Principal Slimovitz was re-assigned. To the unemployment line.

He got canned like a sardine.

(gasps) Sweet cheese, you got him fired?!

By accident! He was shoobing us with all his rules!

When you think about it, he got him fired.

-(Nomicon hums) -Hmm?

(groans) I know, Nomicon, rules are meant to be followed.

Let's just save ourselves the shloomp on this one, huh.

Hm...

Greetings, students. I'm your new principal, Todd Principal.

Ooh, he's got his job in his name.

He must be really good at it.

Your old principal was deemed unfit to principal.

I think Norrisville High deserves better. Don't you?

(all) Yes, Mr. Principal.

OK, Irving. You just walk in there and you get your stuff.

They may have taken your job, but they are not going to take

your World's Greatest Cat Owner mug! (groans)

That brings us to the mitochondria.

Paying attention in class is the cheese.

Know what's also the cheese? Perfect posture.

Don't mind me. Just here to pick up my things.

Not trying to start a fight with the new... Huh... computer?!

Greetings, former educator.

(gasps) The new principal's not people!

He knows too much. Drag and drop him into the trash.

(yelps)

Buttermaker! Micholas! Unhand me this instant!

(groaning)

(door slams)

What a lovely day!

It is a lovely day, Randy.

You are violating rule 48: no talking in the hallway.

Please desist. (chuckles)

Huh. Did Bash seem weird to you?

Uh, what's weird about showing enthusiasm for school rules?

Nothing, nothing! It's just, since when does he speak in complete sentences?

(grunting and groaning)

Pounding on the door didn't work.

Oh! Time for plan B: curling up in the fetal position.

(sighs) Oh!

(squeaking)

Well, if it isn't a McFistodore 34. And his friends.

I haven't had a party like this since A/V Club.

Halls are clean. No one's running.

Sundown doesn't smell like kitty litter.

Something's just... off.

Hi, fellas. Nice afternoon, isn't it?

Yes, Douglas, it is a nice afternoon.

Thank you for inquiring. (chuckles)

Wait a sec. Was I just nice to Doug?

You're right! Something's off. Something's way off!

-(beeping) -Psst! Boys!

Principal Slimovitz...?

I've hacked in from the basement.

None of this is real!

Todd Principal is a computer,

and he's trapped everyone inside a simulation.

(groans) He's forcing you to reach

your academic potential in some sort of horrible educational utopia.

What a monster!

We have to stop him... her... it... Is it a boy computer?

-Here. -Ketchup packets?

(Slimovitz) When the time comes, you'll know what to do.

Hurry up, boys, you're my only hope.

(both) Hm.

(gasps)

(bell rings)

(screaming) Oh, no!

Hot dog sauce! It's all over my face!

-(both laughing) -This should be on a hot dog,

not on Doug's face!

(PAL) Multiple rule infractions. Buffering...

(both laughing)

Hot dog sauce! Oh, classic Doug.

C'mon! We gotta get Slimovitz!

(panting)

(gasps)

Uh...

Boys! I am so glad to see you!

All right. Let's not make this weird.

We're not safe here. If that thing is half the principal I think he is,

he already knows you're truant.

(PAL) Attention: two students are offline.

Initiate Firewall. Eliminate all anomalies.

(mechanical whirring)

(both panting)

-Boys! Slow down! -We gotta get to the office.

But we're running! In the hall!

Really, you're harping on that now?

I hate to be a downer here

but, uh... I don't think we're gettin' to that office.

I'll distract him!

You boys get in there and unplug him.

-Howard... -Hide. Yeah. I'm on it.

(yelps)

Entire student body vs. Ninja?

Good thing I have the speed advantage.

(gasps) Don't have the speed advantage!

Todd Principal, prepare to get schooled.

-(gasps) -Greetings.

Give it up, Todd. A computer can't principal.

On the contrary, I am the perfect principal.

We'll see about that.

I invoke rule 72-B of the NHS code:

A Principal-Off. Winner... takes... school.

I accept your challenge. I know the rules better than any human.

(gasps)

All right, pop quiz:

What color are students forbidden to wear in January?

White. So they don't get lost in the snow.

Oh, I see how it is. Playing for keeps.

OK, next question!

(grunts) Ninja-Misuse-Of-School-Property!

(grunting)

I don't know how long I can hold 'em off!

Howard, you gotta jack back in and hurry Slimovitz up!

There's no way I'm going back in there! It's creepy in there.

Howard!

All right! I'm goin'!

-Hmm? -(groaning)

(gasps)

What is the minimum amount of meat, uh,

required for the cafeteria to legally call it Salisbury steak?

Trick question: There is no meat.

Aw! Thought I had you with that one!

Really wish I hadn't heard that.

Yes! Principal's Office! Almost there! (grunts)

Oh, uh... No!

Principal's Office... was almost there!

Ow! Ooh!

...and if the Assistant Vice-Principal is also deceased,

the head custodian becomes the new head of school.

-(gasps) -(gulps)

OK, last question...

Ninja-Student-Dogpile-Escape!

...and then bury the sockstraps at least 50 feet from any water source.

Please tell me that's not right.

I'm afraid it is.

Then it is settled. I am the superior administrator.

-The school is mine! -That was my last question.

-(gasps) -You have been proven... obsolete.

Remember... me...

Hm... I have a question: Two students are late to class.

They're running. How do you keep them from breaking any rules?

I tell them to walk.

But then they'll be late. That's against the rules.

-Then they must run. -Also against the rules.

Then they must walk. Then they'll be late.

So they must run. That's against the rules.

So they must walk. Then they'll be late!

Buffering... Buffering... Buffering... Buffering...

This question is unanswerable!

For a computer maybe. What do you think, Principal Slimovitz?

Boy... that's a toughie.

Come on, Slims, dig deep. What would a human do?

Well, I guess, to stop them from breaking the rules...

I could write them a pass...

Ohhh, I could've written you and Randy a pass!

Yes. Yes you could have.

You are the superior principal.

(powering down)

Sometimes the right way to enforce a rule is not to enforce it at all.

You have taught me compassion... emotion...

Ninja-Tengu-Fireball!

I feel as if I've just begun to live... Ahh!

-Ooh, it's terrible! -(both screaming)

It's the worst thing I've ever seen!

(all gasp)

I don't care about rules no more! Move it! (chuckles)

Ah, yes. Smokebomb.

Sure, I'd be willing to come back, for a 20 percent raise.

Oh, no? Less pay? OK, Less pay it is.

Gotta go. My 2:00 is here.

Ah, you boys taught me a valuable lesson.

Guess this makes us even for that ketchup thing, huh?

What? Oh, no, no, no.

You two are going to copy the entire rule book, by hand, until you learn it.

(both groan)

Ah! Wait. So now are we even?

(chuckles) No, now you go to detention.

(both groan)

(laughing)

Ah... Mmmm...

(chirp)

(Howard) Tell me, tell me, tell me...