Original subtitles

♪ Go, Ninja! ♪

(Randy) I was chosen to protect my school

from the forces of evil.

I am the Ninja.

I am Randy Cunningham.

♪ Smoke bomb! ♪

(bell rings)

Hmm... Something feels different about today.

Oh, haha, I know: It's Saturday and we're at school!

Instead of being home in my underpants, I'm here in my over pants.

-Happy with yourself, Cunningham? -This isn't my fault!

(Slimovitz) Attention, students: this semester

we've missed 67 school days due to Ninja battles.

So we're making them up with Saturday School!

Hey, don't blame me, it's Ninja's fault!

(groans)

Stupid Ninja.

-He ruined our Saturday! -Ninja's the worst!

Really, Doug? The Ninja who saves our honkin' cheese, is the worst?

-Howard, tell Doug to shut it. -I'm with Doug on this one.

-Wha...? -Thanks, Howard.

Shut it, Doug!

(chuckles)

Okay, I royally shoobed Saturday, but in my defense...

I offer this:

Ha! Wiener fight! So good.

I mean, their gloves? Made of buns! Ah... gold.

-You guys are idiots. -(chuckles) Yes we are.

(chuckles) I still blame you!

To begin, let's find the circumference of this circle. Anyone?

-(gasps) -Why is your hand up?

Why is my hand up? 42.683 repeating.

That's... correct, Howard.

Didn't think I'd ever say those words. (chuckles)

-How did you know...? -I dunno, it just happened!

Now onto our constant companion, the variable.

Who can solve for X? Ahh, anybody? Ahh?

X equals 2AB over 6Y.

-Howard, you're freaking me out. -I'm freaking me out!

Oh, sorry, Mr. Weinerman, you're incorrect.

-Oh, thank cheese. -No, wait, I'm incorrect.

X does equal 2AB over 6Y. Weinerman!

(indistinct chatter)

That was pretty much all I was gonna teach today so onto your next class!

Since when do you raise your hand? We're not hand-raisers.

It was like my hand had a mind of its own!

And my hand's mind told my mouth what my hand was thinking.

Oh, Cunningham, I'm losing my cheese.

No, no. We'll figure this out.

There's gotta be a reason. What's different about today?

Besides being at school on Saturday?

Howard, that's it! Saturday School!

Monday to Friday your brain-shields are up.

You don't let any learning in. But today's Saturday!

My brain-shields are down! I'm wide open! I could wind up being a genius!

(sobbing) I don't wanna be a genius.

(gasps) Look at me, I'm a freak!

Yeah, but a freak that just freaked everyone out of math class.

Keep this up, we'll be outta Saturday School in...

-Precisely 13.4 minutes. -(mutters) Four minutes! Almost.

-I was really... I almost had it. -But, I don't wanna.

Howard, if you do that, you'll be a hero to everyone!

-And the Ninja will be forgiven. -Uh, what was that?

Hmm? What that was? Not-Nom. Nomicon. I gotta go. (grunts)

(yelling)

Well timed, Nomicon!

We cannot let Howard know I'm using him

to get the Ninja off the Shoob List. Hm?

Huh?

"When you use a friend, you gain an enemy."

I'm not using Howard, I'm using his smarts,

which don't belong to him because they came from

Saturday School which I am responsible for,

so really they're more like our smarts, right?

-Yah! -What did the Nomicon say?

It said, "use your thinkin' meat

to get everyone out of Saturday school!"

And get the Ninja out of trouble.

-What did you say? -Nothing.

Why do I keep doing that?

♪ He's getting smarter everyday ♪

♪ He's getting smarter in every way ♪

♪ Smart Howard Smart Howard ♪

♪ Smarter than he was one second ago ♪

♪ Smarter than he was two seconds ago ♪

♪ Smart Howard Smart Howard ♪

♪ He used to be so dumb But now he's smart ♪

Olé!

♪ He used to scratch his bum but now he's into art ♪

♪ Smart, Smart Howard ♪

So honkin' Bruce!

One more class and the Ninja's totally off the hook!

What was that, Randall?

Just excited about Saturday School

almost being over! Slap it in baby!

Why are you not slapping it in baby?

Because I'm a scholar, not a child.

Whoa-oh! Check it out!

-(farting noise) -(Howard clears throat)

But Howard loves Fart Shoe.

(gasps)

Okay, class, time's up!

Please hand in your physics projects.

So what're we making huh? Burrito box? Where do the burritos come out? Ow!

I would never waste my intellect on such foolish endeavors.

That's exactly what you'd waste it on!

Mr. Weinerman, a word?

It's come to my attention

you've received A's in all your classes today.

I believe you mean, A-pluses.

I don't know how to say this without accusing you, so I'll just accuse you:

-You're cheating. -Could a cheater have created... this?

You expect me to believe you built that burrito box all by yourself?

It's not a burrito box!

It's the first apparatus ever built to compact mass

dense enough to deform space-time!

It's a black hole machine, you ninnies! Welcome... to the void!

That's more like it. Regular ol' C-student Howard.

In this case, the "C" stands for "cheating."

-(all laughing) -(Howard grunts)

Howard Weinerman? Genius? Ha!

The black hole was between his ears.

It's like I always say: idiot.

Still waitin' on that burrito!

Philistines! I am smarter than you all!

(straining)

Howard?

(screaming)

Gerry! So long, doll face. You'll always anti-matter to me!

Smokebomb! (yells)

Howard? What did you do?

Silence, Ninja. I require total concentration to power my apparatus.

You're making that black hole with your brain?

Wait, did you just say that in my brain? Is your brain in my brain?

(gasps)

Ninja-Snatch! No, we are talking about this!

You get back in my brain right now!

Ninja-Chainsicle!

If Howard's mind can get in my mind, maybe my mind can get in his mind.

How do I do that? (grunts)

Hope your brain-shields are still down.

'Cause I'm coming in!

(grunting)

Whoa.

Howard? You in here?

-Huh? -Welcome to my mind shaft, Ninja.

-(screams) -So, what's with the art?

Simpleton! They are pure celebrations of a mind given over to intellect!

Okay, see I know I said to genius us out of Saturday School,

but you've geniused yourself out of Howard.

You have no one to blame but yourself.

You used me to save the Ninja's reputation.

How did you figure that out?

Wonder if it was the whispery thing?

Of course it was the whispery thing!

I suppose I should thank you.

Yes, if it weren't for you I never would have realized my true potential.

(grunting)

Ninja-Circle-Maker Tripping-Balls!

(gasps)

You want something to scream about?

-Huh? -(screaming)

(groans)

Guess I'm running out the clock.

Really? No "boo"? Who are you?

(giggling)

(Randy) What the...? Is that the Weiner Fight?

Locked away with the rest of the dumb.

Hate to do this, buddy, but we gotta put your super brain out of commission.

Ninja-Conkin'-Balls!

(giggling)

No, you shoobs, that was a bad thing! Huh?

Ninja-Cold-Balls!

(straining)

-Stupid, squiggly double-T! -It's pi, Randall.

No, pie is delicious. These are just a bunch of wonkin' numbers!

Old Howard would've known that.

Old Howard is gone, Ninja.

And soon the enemies of intellect shall follow.

(Randy) "When you use a friend, you gain an enemy."

I used Howard and turned him into my enemy!

Now I need to use his enemy to gain my friend back!

Your doodles are of no use here! You cannot outsmart me!

No... but maybe I can out dumb you! Ninja-Jump-Split!

Ninja-Twisty-Ladder-Grab!

(grunting)

(laughing)

Ninja-Swing! I don't think so!

What a joyous pun! The thinking man's humor.

What? What'd I say? What'd I say?

Ninja-Open-The-Door!

Get out of the cage! Man you guys are dumb!

(farting noise)

Now he looks like The Stinker. (giggles, clears throat)

(giggling)

It's working!

(laughing) He put pi in his hat!

-Yes! Embrace your dumb! -Never!

(bell rings)

Howard, they're wieners... wearing bun gloves!

(both laughing)

It's the gloves! The gloves make it!

Good to have you back, buddy.

Time to go!

-Hmm? -Hey.

(yelling)

Okay, Saturday School was a bad idea! Lucky the Ninja was here to save us.

Isn't it the Ninja's fault we were here in the first place?

Everyone's dismissed but Doug! Everybody go home except Doug!

(indistinct chatter)

I shouldn't have used you to clean up my mess. I will never do it again.

Unless I have to.

Every time! I hear you every time!

Isn't anybody gonna ask how Howard got so smart?

(Randy) Nobody cares, Doug!

Mr. Viceroy, I accidentally injected

all of your evil genius juice into a can of Purple McBubble Slam.

Should I order a recall?

Hmm. Space-time didn't fold in on itself. I think we're good.

(grunting)

(humming)

-'Chos for my bro? -Hmm? Wow! What happened here?

Looks like somebody fell asleep at the cheese pump.

There was a big crowd at the nacho station. I had to rush it.

Man, if I knew you were gonna shoob it up this bad,

I'd have gotten them myself.

Yeah, why didn't you get them yourself?

Because you like getting them for me. (chuckles)

-I'm not gonna take that away from you. -Uh, yeah, no...

I love waiting in line for 20 minutes to get you 'chos.

Look, if it'll make you happy, I'll eat these.

It's just disappointing because I know you can do better.

Ahh. I'll be back!

-Cunningham, wait. -Hmm?

Five tokens should hold me over.

(groans)

You're a great friend. Maybe the best friend ever! Ha!

If I don't fix them, it's all we'll talk about.

"Let's go hang in my house."

And he'll be, "Remember when you didn't fix my 'chos?"

Welcome to Greg's Folk Hole! Skee-bop, daddio, skee-bop!

Folk Hole? This place was just a Food Hole!

Give a nice big round of snap-plause for Rachel!

Hmm?

This is, like, a song about someone

who totally does so much for us and never ever, ever is like,

"Hey, what about me?" This jam is for you.

Wonder who she's talking about. Sounds like some Bruce dude.

♪ They say he's a student Just like you and me ♪

♪ The Ninja of Norrisville ♪

-(gasps) She's singing about me! -Shhh!

♪ ...know his secret identity ♪

♪ But I doubt I ever will ♪

Ahh.

♪ Mysterious as night ♪

♪ He smokebombs right after a fight ♪

♪ The Ninja of Norrisville will save us all ♪

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard!

I only wish he was here tonight so I could say "Thankers" to his face.

-Maybe he is here tonight... -Shh!

You, shh! She's not even singing!

Oh. I finally gotcha all to myself!

You know, you been so busy lately tryin' to destroy that darn Ninja.

Yep, just you and me, honey bean.

Tonight the Ninja doesn't exist.

-Smokebomb! -Ninja!

-Ninja? -The Ninja?

That's right, it's me!

Rachel, I just wanted to say I loved your song.

O-M-Squee! I appreciate that so much!

And I appreciate you appreciating me appreciating it.

Viceroy. Ninja's here! Send in the heppest bot you got, pronto!

You know, hep! Like a hep cat. Man, you are square.

Hannibal! You promised no Ninja!

But... He... I didn't... How did, I was... Where you goin', berry patch?

(scatting) Destroy!

Gotta give it to Viceroy. Guy's got a robot for everything!

(scatting) Blast!

(screams) Ninja! Help! Ahh!

Hiya!

Allow me... to turn... the beat... around.

Ninja-Air-Fist!

Ninja-Ring!

(scatting) Die.

Ninja! You're my squee-ro!

(grunts)

What are you doing? Why aren't you in the nacho line?

-I've been a little busy. -I'm starting to think

you don't care about getting my nachos.

I'm starting to think I don't care about getting your nachos.

Ha! You don't mean that.

(grunts) I mean it, I really mean it!

I do everything for you! I'm sick of it!

(chuckles) Okay, name one thing you do for me.

Uh... your homework. I buy your food.

You wouldn't be able to find your way home without me!

Wait, are you not getting me nachos?

No! I'm never getting you nachos again! (groans)

(gasps) Fine! I'll get my own nachos! And then I'll walk home!

By myself! 'Cause I know where that is!

-I don't know where that is! -(horns honking)

Honkin' Howard.

I do all this stuff for him and what's he want me to do? More stuff!

-Hey, Ninja. -Rachel! Hey, what's up?

-I just had to thank you. -Aw. No thanks necessary.

Uh, thanks totally necessary. You saved my life. I am so gonna pay you back.

No, no, no, as the Ninja, I can't possibly take...

Stop right there, Silly-Billy. I know what you're gonna say...

"As the Ninja, I can't let anybody do anything for me because I'm a hero!"

I don't sound like tha... Do I sound like that?

It's time you let someone show you a little squee-ppreciation.

Well, I guess a little squee-ppreciation wouldn't hurt.

-(Nomicon vibrating) -Uh, just give me one second...

(yelling)

Huh?

(roars)

(Randy) "He who relies on others for everything

can rely on himself for nothing."

Welcome to two and a half minutes ago, Nomicon.

I already told this to Howard.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some squee-ppreciation to get to.

Ow!

-What the juice is happening? -Relax, Ninja.

You're in good hands: mine.

You really don't... (moans) that's the spot.

Oh, a Ninja could get used to this.

(panting)

I don't know how I got here, but praise Clucker, I did!

I'll take a Four and a Half Piece Cluck Bucket, basket o' Ham Slammers

and a bag of knuckles n' snouts.

That'll be $16.25.

All right, Cunningham, pay the man.

Uh... if you don't have money, I can't give you food. Sorry.

But... if you don't give me food, what will I eat? Hmm?

Hmm?

Leon!

(grunts) Oh, come on, Leon. You can't do this to me!

(groans) Cunningham was right.

He does everything for me. I can't do anything for myself.

I can't get home.

I can't find food. I'm gonna die out here in the wild.

(gasps)

-(meows) -(growls)

Hah! Not today, garbage cat. Not today!

I will survive!

(upbeat music plays)

I am so glad I'm not walking up this hill. You're the best, Rach.

Kinda... Gettin'... tired...

Oof, me too. Think I'll grab a quick snooze back here.

Try to pedal quiet, would ya? Thanks.

(grunting)

Gotta think of a way to make things right with Marci. So get thinkin'!

Get thinking. That's all I do around this place.

Make sure it's a real doozy!

I trust this doozy you're talking about

is a plan to destroy the Ninja?

Whoa! Ah, yup, yeah sure is! (mutters)

I've got it! A picnic by the lake!

-A picnic? -By the lake? Eeek!

Oh, yes, that's the plan!

Oooh, oh, Hannie! That's so romantic!

I'll go get my picnic hat!

No, wait, brownie bites! Don't get the hat!

Ugh. It appears I will be coming up with my own "doozy" this week.

I think that would be best.

Hmm. This is nice.

(straining)

Mini-muffins are too far away! Rachel! Rachel!

Hey, Rachel?

I got that hot chocolate... you like.

Aw! Aren't you a peach! (groans)

-Is something wrong? -No, no, no, it's just... not really hot.

I'm sorry. I'll ride back. It's just on the other side of town.

No, you don't have to. I just won't drink it.

-Huh... -There, see? All better.

(sobbing)

Hey, what just happened?

Jackpot.

Rachel, no, no, no, don't cry. I'm not mad at you.

I'm just disappointed because I know you can do better.

(moaning and growling)

No, no. Don't do that. Let's just go back to you squee-ppreciating me!

(roars)

I have to de-stank you! Because I do not want to walk all the way home!

I don't get it! She wanted to do everything for me!

"He who relies on others for everything can rely on himself for nothing."

Oh! I shouldn't have let her do everything for me.

She wrote a great song. That should have been enough.

Rachel, please, you have to stop! Ahh...

What... wait, what what?

-Howard? -Hello, old friend.

What happened to you?

Today has been a grand adventure.

When I thought all was lost, in my darkest hour,

I learned something about myself: I am a survivor.

(gasps) You built that?

I owe you an apology. I have taken advantage of our friendship.

No, Howard. Well, yes, you did, but also you didn't.

I shouldn't always do everything for you.

But it's hard because I do like getting 'chos for my bro.

Ha! I knew it! I was right!

-(groans) -Fine. You were right, too.

-(roars) -So what about the fan-girl?

Rachel, you did so much for me

but I didn't truly squee-ppreciate it until now.

This one's for you.

♪ Born to squee-ppreciate She's making my day ♪

♪ The Ninja-fan of Norrisville ♪

♪ When I act a shoob She does it anyway ♪

♪ Forgive me I hope she will ♪

♪ The Ninja-fan of Norrisville Is the Brucest of all ♪

(gags)

Let us never speak of that song again.

(groans)

Ninja, seeing as how I am a man now,

allow me to show you the way home.

Right behind ya, buddy. And now you're facing the right way.

Here we are, cupcake cheeks! One romantic lakeside picnic and no... Ninja!

No! Go, go! Get outta here! Go!

Oh, Hannie, you outdid yourself!

Whoa, where'd that tent come from? I mean, I did, didn't I?

Oh... (giggles)

Man, this one really came together! What a wonderful time.

(theme music playing)