Original subtitles

♪ Go, Ninja! ♪

(Randy) I was chosen to protect my school

from the forces of evil.

I am the Ninja.

I am Randy Cunningham.

♪ Smoke bomb! ♪

(school bell rings)

I'm telling you, my mom's on an epic cleaning jag.

There's nowhere in my house I can hide this.

-Closet? Basement? -Cleaning it.

-Your attic? -Attic's creepy.

Hm. Mm.

There. Sorcerer Ball all hidden.

Ninja: one. Forces of Evil: a-zero.

-(loud thudding) -What was that?

Hmm... I'm going with Forces of Evil.

(creatures shrieking)

(thudding continues)

(roaring)

(robotic giggle)

Smoke bomb. What the freeway?

(grunting) Whoa!

(grunting continues)

I hate fighting traffic!

Which is why I take the bus.

Hu-yah! Ha! Ninja sl...

Huh?! "Robot power. Do not disconnect."

(robot powers down)

Huh... Ha!

-(glass shatters) -Smoke bomb!

So I just... (popping sound)

And problem-o solved-o.

Ninja: two. Forces of Evil: a-zilch.

It's just too easy, baby.

-You got that right. -Or, maybe I'm too good.

Do you think that's possible, to be too good?

You're not too good. It was too easy!

You unplugged a robot. No offense,

-but your enemies are a joke. -Uh... yes offense.

No idea what you're talking about.

-No offense. -Um... double offense!

I know exactly what I'm talking about.

If I was your enemy, I'd beat you every time.

(laughs) You beat me?

(laughs) Yes, me. Beat you.

I am a mastermind. I can get you to do anything I want.

(laughing)

Yo, Mastermind, you coming?

I'm waiting for the chili fries.

There's chili fries? Why did I order the fries-fries?

If you want the chili fries, I'll take the fries-fries off your hands.

Thank you, buddy.

Uh... one order of a-chili fries, a-please.

Chili fries is on Chili Friday.

Today is fries-fries, and he got the last of 'em.

(gulping) Mastermind!

Also, could you grab some ketchup?

(groans)

I've scoured every inch of this wretched town.

Yet the Power Ball evades my grasp.

If I were you, and I was-slash-am,

I'd check the last place I-slash-we had it.

Oh, thank you so much.

Never thought of that, except I did!

Terribly sorry, Evil Me.

Perhaps it is here. I'll look again.

Hard rock, endless void, gargoyle head...

Nope, not here.

Let me check the bag one more time.

You've checked the bag, you fool!

What's this? "If found, return to Randy Cunningham."

(gasps) Interesting. (chuckles)

All right, class, three more minutes to finish your atomic models.

And while they do that, I'll keep my eye on you.

Oh! Mm.

Oh, Jerry!

You still got it.

Swiping my fries does not make you a mastermind.

You're right. Oopsie daisy, dropped my pencil.

I mean, you can't even do your own homework.

How could you be a mastermind?

-Oops. Oh, I am such a klutz. -(pencil clatters)

Now, a true mastermind would, like, I don't know,

-they would, um... -Get you to do my homework

-without you knowing it? -Yes! Yes, exactly.

Miss D! Done with my model thing.

Excellent work, Mr. Weinerman.

Your model is the atomic bomb!

"A"! But Mr. Cunningham, I'm afraid yours

-is a nuclear disaster! "D"! -(gasps)

What the juice?

-How did you...? -Master... mind.

Ahh!

Fine, you tricked me twice.

But I'm on to you. It's not gonna happen again.

You know why? You're not a mastermind.

-Here, let me get that... bouquet? -(girls laughing)

-(growls) -(slow jazz music plays)

-(all laughing) -In your dreams, Cunningham.

-(girls laughing) -Uh... No, but I didn't...

-I don't even... -Mastermind!

(groans)

(stammers) Pardon me for just...

(laughter continues)

Just admit I'm a mastermind

and if you had to face me in battle, you would lose.

-Never! -Then I highly suggest you

take two steps to the left.

No! No, I'm not doing anything you say!

Me? Master of my mind.

-(laughter) -(grunts) Not you. Me.

-My mind... Ow! -(laughter)

(groans) Now I move to the left.

But not because you told me to, because I want to.

(groaning)

(elaborate groans)

Master... mind.

(shouts)

-Ahh! -Humph!

Uh...

Nomicon, you gotta help me.

-I think Howard might be a... -Mastermind?

-(shouts) -(laughs) Mastermind.

(grunts)

Ahh! Oof!

I'm losing it, Nomicon.

Howard isn't really a mastermind, is he?

I mean, he's Howard! I'm the Ninja.

How is he even able to... Hm?

"The unexpected is never expected."

Okay, all right. Howard mastermind's me

because he expects I'll do what he expects me to do.

So I have to expect what he expects me to do,

and do what I don't expect myself to do.

What does Howard expect me to do?

I did not expect that!

(humming, whistling)

(Evil Julian) Pardon me, fellow student,

I seek your companion, Randall.

-Who? -Randall Cunningham.

The youth with whom you are often spotted.

Randy? Oh, he's in the can.

Now leave me alone. I'm mastering a mind here!

(evil chuckling)

Ohh, butter bench,

you are my greatest creation!

-(gasps) -Hello, Randall.

-Julian? -Your friend, Howard,

told me I might find you here.

I believe you have in your possession

a certain glowing green orb of infinite power.

-Howard told you? -Yes.

-Howard? Howard? -Yes. Yes.

-Told you? -Told me.

-Howard? -Yes.

I'm sorry, just one moment.

(laughs) Howard, not this time!

You think I'm gonna do what you expect, but no, buddy!

If the unexpected is never expected,

then get ready to not expect what I'm expecting to do.

So, what is the last thing Howard would expect me to do?

(gasps, then laughs)

(both chuckling)

We're laughing!

-Mm! -(laughing continues)

Hilarious! Saved ya a seat.

You didn't expect me to do it. I didn't expect me to do it.

But I did it. Oh, boy, I did it!

Hm...

(clears throat) Why don't you take a load off

and tell me what the juice you're babbling about.

-Please sit. -I did the unexpected.

Who's the mastermind now? (laughs)

Seriously, I think you should sit down.

You sent Julian to ask me for the Sorcerer's Power Ball.

And you expected me not to give it to him.

So I did the opposite, I gave Julian the ball.

Stick that in your master mind.

I didn't send Julian for the Power Ball.

Hm? (nervous chuckle)

Yes, you did.

'Cause if you didn't that means I gave Julian an orb of ultimate evil,

and I didn't do that, did I? Did I do that?

Seems like you did.

(groans)

This was your plan, wasn't it?

(groans) I hate to say it,

but... mastermind.

I have to get that ball back.

(stammers, groans)

(grunting)

Tough to top this one. Tough to top this one...

(gleeful laughter)

Finally, the ball is mine!

And I am the master of its power! (laughs)

Smoke bomb! (grunts)

-Stupid butter. -(laughing)

Listen, Julian, I don't care how you got that ball.

-Randall gave it to me. -I don't care!

Point is, I need it. So give it.

(both chuckling)

-No! Ha! -(shouting)

(grunting)

-(gasps) -(explosion)

Please, Julian, you don't want to do this.

Oh, I very much want to do this.

But Julian, you're not evil.

No, Ninja. I'm not Julian.

(slow-motion) What?

I'm Evil Julian, from the Land of Shadows!

-Huh? -Hello!

Julian wears all purple, I wear all white!

-(stammering) -How has no one noticed this?

No matter. (chuckles)

Everyone will know who I am

when I crush your world!

(maniacal laughter)

Ah! Whoa!

-(grunting) -(laughter continues)

(electrical zapping)

Ah!

(grunts)

Ninja Block, Ninja Block, Ninja Block!

-Ninja Kick! -(both grunting)

Much stronger than regular Julian.

(both grunting)

I do not like the look of that smile.

Ah!

(grunting)

(powering up)

(robotic evil laughter)

A Sorcerer Ball-Powered robot?

How am I supposed to beat that? I can barely say it!

(gasps, then screams)

(grunts, then groans)

"The unexpected is never expected."

(grunts) Evil Julian expects me to fight him,

which means I need to Ninja Run Away!

(grunting)

(panting) It is hard, wonking work being a mastermind.

-Ahh! -Right on time.

Ninja, whatever you do, do not run between these trees!

Good old Howard, every time you expect him to do the expected,

-he does. -(giggling)

-(gasps) -(panting)

Ninja Mastermind Leap!

-Yah! -(grunting)

(panicked grunting)

Release me! I will destroy you all!

I will turn you inside out!

How did you know I was gonna pull the Wall of Plastic?

I masterminded your mastermind.

Then I have nothing left to teach you.

-(powering up) -I will unleash darkness

on you all!

-(squeaks) -I don't think so.

-Ninja Robot Toss! -(shouting)

Ninja Ball-Destroying Ring fling!

(screams)

Oh, my...

A-Ninja: three. Forces of Evil: a-still a-zero.

Ah, don't worry. That was Evil Julian.

Whew! Oh, good.

That would've been a tough one to come back from.

(chirp)

(zapping)

(evil chuckling)

(Howard panting) Cunningham? Where'd you go?

Over here! Look! Monster tracks!

(Howard) Sweet honking cheese, they're huge!

(animal snarling)

(whimpers, then screams)

-(roars) -The Chuckacabra!

We found it!

(screaming)

-Oh! It found us! It found us! -(grunts)

(panting) It's so hard to talk when you run.

-(shouts) -Howard? Howard!

-(static sizzles) - Howard?

That was so Bruce!

Best fake monster video ever!

(multiple animal sounds)

-We made up a legend. -We discovered a legend.

And now we become legend.

Uploading to ShoobTube.

People are gonna lose their cheese when they see this.

I am so losing my cheese right now!

Now where was I?

The Chuckacabra had just grabbed Howard!

He knows where he was! Nobody asked you, Doug!

Ah, yes. There I was.

Facing the beast, when instinct took over.

-Fight or flight? -And we chose flight.

-(all gasp) -The first people ever to outrun

a confirmed Chuckacabra attack.

I'm not saying we're legends...

-We're legends. -(applause)

-(gasps) -Wow, Randy.

That video's so Bruce. Can I get a picture?

Theresa. Yeah, sure. Let me just get Howard.

Actually, I was thinking, like, alone maybe?

Ah, you want me to take a picture of you alone.

No, I meant me and you.

Uh... me and you?

You and me? Us? Together? You want an "us-ie"?

(squeals) See you around, Randy.

(stammering)

What was Fowler bugging you about?

We took an us-ie.

I think 'cause of the Chuckacabra video!

We made that video!

How could you guys us-ie without me?

-(horns honking) -Hm?

(all gasping)

That's Brawn Brickwall!

He's Norrisville's second most famous TV explorer!

(announcer) Brawn the Lookout.

Noogie-noogie-noogie!

Noogie-noogie-noogie!

- Ooh! - Noogie-noogie-noogie!

(laughing)

He's noogied every mythical beast

from the Nestlake Sasquatch to the Abominable Loch Monster.

Yeah, I've seen the title sequence.

I rose this morn, to learn the legend of a new beast,

the Chuckacabra.

I seek the lads who discovered the foul wretch.

Where might they be?

-They might be there! -(both gasp, then gulp)

Look at you, barely out of training pants!

Yet you expect us to believe

you survived a tussle with that brute?

-Of course we do? -Ha-ha! Of course you do.

I tip my night vision to you, squibs.

-(all cheering) -Oh, yeah, we're the squibs.

(chuckles) I'm sure they must feel quite proud of their accomplishment.

-The proudest. -But it is nothing.

That's right, noth... Wait. What? What?

For I, Brawn Brickwall,

shall be the first to noogie a Chuckacabra.

A rendezvous with a fiend awaits!

To Chuck Mountain!

(sighs) To Chuck Mountain!

Did you hear that?

Yeah. Brawn's totally cutting us out of the action!

No. I mean there's no such thing as a Chuckacabra.

We made it up!

So what happens when he doesn't find it?

Hm... Everyone will think we found it and he didn't.

Yeah... Yeah!

He'll look like a shoob.

Serves him right thinking he can gank our legend.

Sum a prospero.

When Brawn Brickwall promises a Chuckacabra,

a Chuckacabra Brawn Brickwall delivers.

(roaring)

That's impossible! Chuckacabras don't exist!

And that's not even what they look like!

(all chanting) Brawn! Brawn!

The brute was fierce, but was no match.

And today, on a live edition of Brawn the Lookout,

I shall deliver upon the ogre a noogie.

Brawn, sign my head. No, wait! Noogie it!

-Noogie-noogie-noogie. -Oh!

Whoa, it's tingly and life-affirming!

(all chanting) Noogie! Noogie! Noogie!

Those should be our cheers!

Brawn totally owes us!

Ah! The pioneers who made the discovery.

It is they I shall reward.

Okay, here we go.

This is more like it.

-Noogie-noogie-noogie! -(both groan)

Is that what I looked like?

Oh! That is humiliating!

-(crowd cheering) -(Howard groans)

First, he ganks our legend. Then he makes us look like shoobs!

You know, I hate to even suggest it,

but this calls for a little shloop in the old...

-(grunts) -Great, so we're on the same page.

I'll just wait here.

(Randy grunts)

(gasps) Huh?

(crowd cheers)

(Randy) "Glory unearned is inglorious."

Inglorious, exactly Nomicon!

Brawn is in our glory.

Okay, let me get this straight.

If he's "inglorious," then we're "out-glorious"?

Yes. We did all the hard work,

and fake Brawn with his fake Chuckacabra is all up in our glory.

We gotta take him down.

Brick by Brickwall.

I've trolled the sands of the Sahara.

Forded the river Nile.

But never have I encountered such a fearsome beast!

(snarling)

(crowd murmuring)

Time to yank the mask of the fakacabra.

Not yet.

And at great risk to my personal safety, I shall begin the noogie.

(crowd) Yay!

Let me yank it!

Wait for it.

First, I shed my gauntlet.

-(all gasp) -I really wanna yank it!

-Hold on a sec... Theresa? -There you are.

-I found you. -Yes.

-And you did, uh, found me. -(grunts)

-Third knuckle in proper position. -(crowd gasps)

The noogie shall commence in exactly...

Yeah, I did it!

-(crowd gasps) -Ah!

-Ha! -O.M.Cabra! It's a fake!

That fearsome beast isn't fearsome or a beast!

Brawn Brickwall is a fraud?

(crowd booing)

-He lied to us! -I guess he's not "inglorious" anymore.

-(both chuckle) -Actually, that's totally inglorious.

Uh, actually, actually,

inglorious means "in the glory,"

which he is no longer, as he is now "out-glorious."

Randy, that's not what "inglorious" means.

Oh, look at that. Dictionary right there on your phone, huh?

Howard, inglorious means the opposite of what we thought it did.

And we have, perhaps, wonked up.

(scoffs) "Us"? What'd we do?

-You! -(shouts)

What have you done?

Ganked your legend.

No!

(laughs) Yes!

The wretched resonance of ruined reputation!

(stammers)

(snarling)

(shouts)

(gasps) Hey! Huh.

(grunting)

Follow that monster! Huh?

(groans)

Now follow that monster!

(snarling continues)

Smoke bomb!

(whispering) Howard? Where are you?

-(panting) -(quiet snarl)

(grunting)

Didn't see that coming. (gasps)

-(rustling) -(gasps)

(branches crackling)

(snarling)

(grunting)

Gotta even the odds.

Ninja Blow Ball!

(painful cry)

Ninja taking advantage of temporary blindness.

(shouts)

(groans)

(groans) My favorite outer shirt!

-Hup! (grunts) -(snarls)

Ooh!

-(gasps) Huh? -(snarling)

-(groaning) -(Howard shouting)

(roars) Humiliate me?

For the record, you throwing me off a mountain is a lot worse

than me humiliating you.

(grunts)

-(roars) -Ninja Sticky Balls!

(grunts) Oh! Now I'm sticky!

-(gasps) -(snarls)

Ah! Big boulder, big boulder!

(grunting)

Big boulder meet Ninja Tiny Giant Exploding Ball.

(laughs) Hm?

(groans)

Just de-stank him!

I'm sticky in places I shouldn't be sticky.

That's it! Gotta make him inglorious.

-(roaring) -Noogie-noogie-noogie!

-It didn't work. -I am aware.

Oh! We gotta unearn our unearned glory.

No. No, I'm not feeling that.

Hey, why don't we unearn something else?

Students and faculty of Norrisville High,

this student has a confession.

Uh, shouldn't Randy Cunningham be up here confessing?

Randy's a little busy right now.

(groans) Fine. The Chuckacabra, Cunningham made it all up!

-Yep, I just held the camera. -(all gasp)

So this all started with your lie?

(nervous chuckle) Again, mostly with Cunningham's lie.

If I had to put hard numbers on it, I'd say 90 percent Cunningham,

-ten percent Weinerman. How was that? -(growls)

(grunting) Yes, that's better.

(grunts) Good enough. Smoke bomb, I guess.

Hm.

No!

I apologize for my chicanery.

Today, I confronted the real monster, a beast named "Falsity."

-(crowd) Aww... -Noogie-noogie-noogie.

So were all your monsters fake?

You sure you wanna go down this road, Doug?

Are you sure? (grunts)

(laughs) Oh, my favorite part was when he yelled at Doug.

I can't believe you lied about the Chuckacabra.

'Twas inglorious, I admit.

And now I shall punish mine falstostity with a noogie.

Noogie-noogie-noogie.

(groans)

Are you buying any of this?

You are so infuriating.

-Hm. -Ah! Did you hear that?

She thinks that I'm the opposite of furiating.

No, she thinks "we're" the opposite of furiating!

(sighs)

-Hm? -(laughs) Should we look this up?

Nah, I think we got it.

Yeah, we're good.

-(rustling) -(roars)

(theme music playing)