Original subtitles

-♪ Go ninja! ♪ -(Randy) I was chosen to protect my school

from the forces of evil.

I am the Ninja. I am Randy Cunningham.

♪ Smokebomb ♪

(tires screeching)

Faking sick to stay home from school?

How have we never thought of that?

Brock Octane is a role model. And tomorrow we will follow his example.

(both) Fake sick!

Shh!

Okay, here goes nothin'.

Ninja-Pukin'-Poke!

(retching sound)

(toilet flushes)

Mommy? (groans)

I don't think I can do school today.

(groans) I gotta stay home, Mort. Sick. Fever.

A fever, Howie? Oh, no. Better take your temperature.

Aaah!

Oh, no, we lost the mouth thermometer.

So... where's that one going?

(Howard) No!

Bad news, Cunningham. Mort called my bluff.

Also, temperature's normal. Looks like we're going to school.

(slurping, chuckles) Whaddya mean "we"?

You can't stay home if I have to go to school.

That's the rule!

Howard, I horked hard for this day off!

Not my fault you wonked your lie. I'm staying home.

(grunts) But it's not fair!

It's not not fair!

-Well, it's not not not fair! -And, you're hung up on.

Where was I? About to interrogate some shifty penguins I believe.

(video game sounds)

-(penguin squawks) -(book vibrating)

Make it quick. Inspector Cunningham has some flightless birds to question.

You can't make me squawk!

(screams, grunts)

I know what you're gonna say, and lemme stop you right there.

You're gonna say, "The Ninja can't take a sick day."

And I'll be all, "Whaaaat? The Ninja can't take a sick day?" How is that even fair?

"The Ninja can take a sick day." Oh. Then I vloomp corrected. So Bruce!

(mimics gun noises, grunts)

Okay, Squawko, time to find out what you were doing in the polar bear den, hm?

(penguin screams)

-Poisonous cats? Hurricannon? -Done it. Don't want to.

-Cybernetic tree army? -Dumb.

(groans) You haven't even tried it yet!

Don't need to. I heard it's dumb.

If you don't like any of my Ninja destroying plans, you think of one!

Fine. I will. And it's gonna be the real McCoy! None of this dumb stuff.

Hmmm. Now about a plan...

Plan, plan, plan... plan. Plan, plan, plan... plan... plan.

Ever see a word so much, it just kinda loses its meaning?

-How's that plan coming? -Don't rush me!

I confess! I confess! I iced that bear in cold blood, I tell ya! In cold blood!

(game) You have confessed all of penguins.

Yes! So Bruce! Best sick day ever!

-(giggles) -(doorbell rings)

Hold the honk on, I'm coming!

Uh, Dr. Sam? What the pediatrician are you doing here?

Hey there, big guy. Your mommy called

and said somebody had a bad case of the yuckies. Is that twoo?

Yeah, I got the yuckies. Weal bad. (coughs)

You don't wook sick. What's da matter?

Ooo, yeah... my blood... hurts?

Bad bwood? Oh, no.

And it gets worse! My ears are burning, and my teeth are freezing!

Not to mention I'm seeing the plaids and my tummy tingles?

-Ooo. -Also... my butt is numb.

Well, um, Wandy, you're gonna have to be a bwave liddle fella and stay home today.

That's the plan, Dr. Sam!

Whoa.

General Mike? Dr. Sam. We got a Code Brown in Norrisville. It's Donkey Pox.

(video game sounds)

(grunting)

-Aw, yes! -(phone ringing)

-Randy here. -I said, I said, Chuck Clucker here.

And you, sir, have won a bucket of my world-famous Chicken Slam-Ritos.

To claim your reward, simply come to the school...

Aw, forget it Howard, I'm not coming.

Ah! But who am I gonna eat lunch with?

Howard, it's just one day. You can eat lunch alone.

Stupid Cunningham. Eat lunch alone? You can't eat lunch alone. Wait, can you?

(thunder roars)

(shudders) Yeah, I didn't think so.

If I can't get Cunningham here before lunch...

...maybe I can get the Ninja.

(donkey brays)

(groans)

(chuckles)

You know what's better than watching you struggle? Nothing.

I'm not struggling. I'm... brainstorming. Yes!

Yeah, that's it. Braining up a storm over here.

(grunting)

Oh, look, there's the phone. Better get it.

Hello, McFist speaking.

Wow, really? The number on the McFist Pad dials you directly?

Sure, why not? Let's go with that. What do you want?

Don't ask me who I am or how I know this, but the Ninja's pulling a sickie.

So if you send a robot to school right now,

you can catch him off guard and probably beat him.

Slow down! Ninja... sickie... robot... school...

It's gotta be here before lunch. (stomach rumbles)

Oh... so hungry.

Hunger-bot, eh? I like it!

Oh, Hannibal, you did not just get your plan from some guy on the phone.

Sure did! Ooh, and it's a doozie!

It doesn't concern you that someone out there knows you want to destroy the Ninja?

Nah, this guy seemed cool about it. I think we're good. Now get to work!

(phone rings)

(yells)

(game) You have bogeyed back to monkey.

Bogeyed back to monkey? You're playing "Missing Links" without me?

Bah! I'm not coming to school just to eat lunch with you.

Fine. Just thought you'd wanna know a robot's attacking the school.

-(robot roaring) -(gasps)

Oh, my nosh!

Hide your snacks, lunchkateers, NHS is on the menu for this Bot-attack.

Hopefully Ninja shows to pop this bot some just desserts.

-(roaring) -(Heidi screams)

-Howard, it's Ninja time! -(Howard chuckles)

-I think you meant lunch time! -What was that?

-What? Nothing. Just get here. - Hmm...

What the plastic?

The pwastic keeps you sepawated from the genewal popuwation.

There's a special doctor word for that: Quawwantine.

"Quawwantine"? Why am I quawwantined?

I wooked up your symptoms in my super special doctor book.

And you have a nasty case of the Donkey Pox, champ.

Here, have a sticker.

Uh-oh! You can't see that. It says "Get Well Soon!"

Which you won't.

Please! You have to let me out!

(panting)

Nomicon! You said, and I quote: "The Ninja can take a sick day."

All I did was take a sick day and now everything's wonked to shoob-livion!

Ooh... I faked sick. You know, I feel like I got Nomi-played on that one.

-(book hums) -All right, you don't have to rub it in.

Dr. Sam!

Listen, I'm not really sick. I was faking.

But, what about your symptoms, little big man?

I mean, what about your numb-butt?

I lied. I can totally feel my butt.

(screeches) Ya, see?

Cheezum Pete's! Lied? Why would anyone lie about the sickies?

Sickies are the worst-ies.

Sorry, Dr. Sam. I gotta get to school.

Yes, you do! Education is important fow healfy growing boys.

Uh, you're not gonna tell my mom about this are you?

Fwaid I have to, widdle buddy. Sowwy.

Boo.

All right, you worthless grunts, let's de-bag this house!

Dr. Sam, the decontamination missile is still en route...

En route, in route, en rou... it's on its way.

Oh... the missile. I always forget that Code Brown ends in a missile strike.

Leave the bag! We're buggin' out!

(roaring)

-C'mon Cunningham... -Smokebomb!

You can relax. I'm here.

Finally! Lunch starts in 30 seconds!

So, you know, hurry up with the Ninja-thing.

-(screams) -(gasps)

Ninja-Ring!

Okay, so that happened. Maybe try some... Ninja-Hot-Balls!

Ninja-Stop-Drop-And-Roll!

How 'bout a Ninja-Bee-Ball!

-(cell phone rings) -You got Randy.

Hey, pardner. We haz an uh-oh.

See what happened was-wuz I didn't really use my brainsies.

Uh-huh, yeah, okay, yeah, let me stop you there.

You sent a honkin' missile to destroy my house?

I know I shouldn't have faked sick... but a missile?

-(roaring) -(grunting)

Can we schedule my check up later?

-(beeps) -(gulps)

(screaming)

Stop... eating... me!

Speaking of eating, can we hurry this up?

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm just a little busy trying not to get eaten.

Not to mention there's a missile screaming towards my house...

You think it's that missile?

Or do you think it's, like, another missile? Or, what?

Missile! Ninja-Forming-A-Plan!

(grunts) Hope to cheese this works.

Oh, Hunger-Bot, eat this!

Missile, huh? This is why you don't fake sick without me.

Your dumb plan failed again, Viceroy.

It wasn't my plan.

Well, someone told it to me. That was you on the phone, wasn't it?

(groans)

-(school bell rings) -(Randy) Can you believe? Grounded a week!

Hey, the important thing is,

you still got here in time for lunch.

Quarantine, missiles, robots... I really packed it in, didn't I?

It's like you took a whole day off in half a day!

(both) Hmm? Day-off!

Good thing McFist sent in that robot or my house woulda been shoobed.

-Eh, you're welcome. -You did that?

Yes!

(Howard) I told Uncle Buhaj, "Bring me something Bruce from Australia!"

And what's he get me? A stupid crooked stick!

Howard, that's a boomerang!

More like a bummerang. It doesn't do anything.

You can't even point with it.

You throw it, right, and it comes back to you!

It's like a stick you can't lose!

Can't lose. I like those odds.

What are you waiting for? Throw it! It'll fly right back to your hand!

You said I couldn't lose it!

It was supposed to come back.

Maybe the batteries are low.

We can't go to it! It'll be like the crooked stick won!

-Found the boomerang. -(Howard groans)

Well, let's go ask McFist for it back.

But, Howard, he's my arch-nemesis!

Yeah, well, right now your arch-nemesis has my honkin' one-way crooked stick.

(groans)

(doorbell rings)

Hello! I'm out antiquing with Marci, but we'll be back Sunday!

Probably shouldn't mention we're gone all weekend. I'll just record ano...

I guess we'll have to wait 'til they get back.

But Uncle Buhaj's coming for dinner tomorrow.

If he finds out I lost that thing, he'll stop getting me presents when he travels.

And he's going to Canada next, Cunningham. Canada!

Fine. I'll ninja-out and get your boomerang back, okay? Wait here.

Hurry up. I'm already bored.

I'm the Ninja. I'll be in and out.

(grunts)

(Australian accent) Crikey, there ya are, mate!

(normal voice) Totally nailed that accent.

(gasps)

(laughing) This is pretty fun.

-Bouncing! -Hey, Ninja!

-I come up here, you're bouncin' off? -I'm not bouncing.

-What happened to "in and out"? -How'd you even get up here?

Front door was open.

You outta see all the crazy Bruce stuff McFist has!

I don't know. I mean, I got the boomerang. We should probably go.

Can we take the escalator? I really don't like when you carry me. It's awkward.

-(humming) -Please hold for Nomicon.

-(grunts) -(laughing)

(screams)

"Don't go in someone else's house."

All right, okay, okay, this is a tricky one. Let's see:

Don't go in someone else's house.

But McFist isn't just "someone", he's McFist,

and this isn't a house, it's a mansion.

So unless I'm over-thinking this, you're telling me:

"Do go in McFist's mansion. Yes"!

Mm-hmm.

(female voice) Fourth Floor: Go-Kart Race Track.

Third Floor: Super Fun Old West Town.

I can't believe I almost didn't come in here!

I am so glad the Nomicon told me to do it!

I told you to do it!

-But really the Nomicon told me. -(female voice) First Floor: Exit.

First floor? What happened to Second Floor?

(female voice) Second Floor: Best Arcade in the World.

(both exclaim)

-(both laughing) -Okay...

(Viceroy) "Viceroy, feed the piranha and wash the peacocks while we're gone!

And then leave!"

Hannibal, it would be my pleasure...

to not leave and watch the entire There's Someone in the House series! Whoo!

-(whimpers) -(knocking)

(shudders)

-(laughing) -(video game noises)

-There's someone in the house. - There's someone in the house.

-(electronic noises) -Oh no!

I know what happens when you "check it out,"

in There's Someone in the House, Too, Also and Again!

-Hmm? -(beeping)

Fine, we'll both check it out.

This is the best arcade in the world!

Female Voice was right!

(tires screeching)

(screams)

Did you hear something?

All I hear is a bunch of go-karts not being ridden!

(laughing) Hurry up! They got sparkley helmets!

(laughing)

-(Randy and Howard laughing) -(groans)

This is so much Brucer than throwing a boomerang!

You know, I gotta hand it to ya, Cunningham.

When I said, "Let's go in McFist's mansion,"

I was sure you were gonna be like, "No, we're not doing any fun things!"

But we're doing all the fun things!

Best part is: For once I did not wonk up the Nomicon's advice.

Also, the go-karts. That's a best part, too.

(Viceroy) Is someone up there?

Viceroy! Let's get outta here!

Huh? Uh... ooo...

Which door did we come through?

Forget this! I'm calling in backup!

(beeping)

Intruder detected.

We just need to find the escalator and get the juice outta here.

-Uh... Cunningham? -Did you find the escalator?

I did not.

Easy, pardner. No need to start blastin'.

We're just a couple of tender feet looking for the front door.

Y'all are intruding. I'm abouts to deliver some down-home security.

What do you think he means by... aah!

Run!

Yeehaw. Blast'em cowboy.

Ninja-Scarf-Swing-Kick!

(screams)

(Viceroy mumbling indistinct)

(female voice) Welcome to the McPanic Room.

There, there, sweet baby. Mama make it all better.

-(rumbling) -(screams)

It's not all better, it's worse!

-Otto... round up the posse! -(Otto beeps)

(groovy music playing)

Ha! Now what'chu gonna do?

Oh, boy.

Why is this happening?

You said the Nomicon said we were good to do this!

It did! It said "Don't go in someone else's house."

-What? -No, it's cool.

It's a metaphor. Or a simile.

You know, something that says one thing but means something else.

Pretty sure it meant the first thing, you shoob!

You know, maybe you should start running this wisdom by me first.

Huh?

Hey, remember when I said it was awkward when you carry me,

well, this isn't one of those times! Run!

We're going down these stairs fast! This has gotta be a record!

The front door!

(Howard chuckling)

Ninja, you forget the goal? You know, us? Getting out of here? Unblasted?

Howard, the mansion is wired with cameras!

And I Ninja-ed out! If I don't delete the security footage, will know I'm the Ninja!

We'll deal with that later!

No, I epically want this. I have to fix it.

I'm just gonna hang... over here.

Quick-Draw-Ninja-Ring!

Ninja-Laser-Dodge! Ninja-Laser-Dodge! Ninja-Laser-Dodge!

(grunting)

(screams)

Whoa, what is that thing?

Are you serious? It's why we came in here in the first place!

Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, we probably should've just left it on the roof.

-Not really crazy about that thing anyway. -I am so mad at you right now!

Adios, intruder.

-Howard! The boomerang! -What's a boomerang?

The crooked stick! Throw the crooked stick!

Weinerman-Lame-Gift-Throw!

Ohh...

Yes! Come back to me, boomerang!

Dang.

Ninja-Hang'em-High!

(Howard chuckles)

Thanks, buddy. Now let's find McFist's control room,

delete the security footage and get out of here.

(both) Uh...

-What have you done? -Sounded like burglars,

or lions, or burglarin' lions.

Never trust a lion, that's what my dad always says.

I know exactly what happened.

You do?

You two have been gettin' rowdy in here while McFist is gone!

But how did you survive my cowpokes?

-They, um, blew up on their own. -Hmm.

Glad we got that cleared up! We'll be on our way...

H'oh no! You're not going anywhere!

I want McFist to meet the fools who trashed his mansion!

Sure, no problem "Hannibal". Or is it "Marci"?

I'm assuming one of those is your name or that would mean that...

(chuckles) Dude, you are so busted.

Fine. So maybe I'm not supposed to be hangin' around in here either.

What are you gonna do, tell McFist?

Please don't tell McFist!

Erase the security footage and no one'll ever know what went down.

Security footage?

I turned those cameras off the second the McFist's left.

This ain't my first rodeo.

(chuckles) (Viceroy) Rodeo. 'Cause of the cowpokes.

(Randy and Howard) Boooo!

Cleaning McFist's mansion was way less fun than trashing it.

Gah! I lost my crooked stick, again!

So much for getting another gift from Uncle Buhaj.

Don't worry, that boomerang'll turn up.

Don't worry, Suger-Toes!

Nothing's going to happen to your precious new vase...

Or is it vase? Vase of vase? Well, if it's a new vase...

(whines) What?

(theme music playing)