Original subtitles

-♪ Go, Ninja! ♪ - (Randy) I was chosen

to protect my school from the forces of evil.

I am the Ninja. I am Randy Cunningham.

♪ Smoke bomb! ♪

Ugh.

Thanks for the ride, Uncle Sledge! Sorry about your seats!

(sirens blaring)

You didn't tell me we were bringing purses!

-It's not a purse! It's a bag. -You didn't tell me we were bringing bags!

We aren't. I just needed something to put the sorcerer ball in.

That thing made Booray monster out and go on a rampage

and you bring it to Julian's birthday party?!

Wow. That is epically unsmart, Cunningham.

There's no such thing as "unsmart."

Says the guy who brought a sorcerer ball to Julian's birthday party.

What was I supposed to do? I couldn't leave it at home.

-Why not? -Why not? I'll tell ya why not.

What if a raccoon broke into my room and swiped the powerball.

But he's got little hands so he can't hold it so good,

so he drops it, boom, right into the sewer and an alligator...

Stop! Just stop, Cunningham! That would never happen.

You're right. Because the ball's with me!

At Julian's party. Un-unsmart! Me!

-Axe. -You are making a huge mistake!

If you don't get in Sinjin Knightfire's Magic Funporium right now!

Ugh. Magic. I hate this place.

Why did we R.S.V.P. to this? We are leaving right after cake.

Come on, Howard. This is Juilian's birthday party.

Julian. He's one of our best... classmates.

Ooh! Is this my birthday present?

Hands off, Julian!

This is something un-present-like.

Ooh. Un-present-like. How mysterious-ish. Tell me more.

Or we could change the subject. Let's talk birthday.

It's a magic party. (laughs)

I'm something of an amateur illusionist myself.

I mean, I'm no Sinjin Knightfire...

Is this your card?

-It is! That's my card! -(applause)

Is this your card?

I didn't pick a card.

I'll never be a great magician.

You couldn't be a worse magician.

(whimpering)

My birthday's ruined! Ruined!

-(sobbing) -What? He literally couldn't be worse.

You should go apologize. But since you won't, I'll go after him.

(chuckles) Classic us.

Julian? You OK?

(Julian sobbing) Depends. Is this your card?

And again, I haven't picked a card yet.

(wheezing) Forget it, Randy. I'm a failure.

Do you want to... talk about it?

Oh, I couldn't. My love of magic started when I was four.

-(groans) -Or was it three?

-(groans) -Better be safe and start at two.

(groans) Oh, Nomicon. Thank cheese.

(screaming)

Ow! Ow! Ow!

(grunts)

In ancient times,

a poor and wretched Peddler stumbled upon a great evil.

-(thunder crashing) -(evil laughter)

Weak of will and tempted by the awesome power,

he gave himself to the darkness.

And the Sorcerer came to be.

OK, that ball is bad news. I'll just run it home,

stash it under my bed and be back before cake.

What the juice?! Julian...Julian?!

Howard, I think Julian has the bag.

You let Julian hold the bag? I wanna hold the bag!

I didn't let him... erg. I can't talk about this now.

Julian! Julian!

Do you mind! We're making memories here!

I'm flying!

Gah! Always check the Lost and Found!

-(mumbling) -Julian? Buddy? Y'OK?

You don't feel weird or strange or evil-ish?

Evil-ish? Heavens no.

I'm just gonna take this.

(grunts)

(sobs)

(evil laughter)

Don't look at me like that. I got it back. Just gotta get it out of here!

What are you doing? Come on!

I'm not going anywhere until you admit

that bringing that ball to this party was a terrible idea.

(Knightfire on PA) Guests of Julian's birthday party,

there is no escape... from fun!

In my illusionarium!

Probably should'a waited till we got outside

to rub it in your face.

Join me for a voy-yaj into the world of mah-jeek.

(evil chuckle)

Ace of spades, ace of clubs, ace of hearts, ace of diamonds... doves!

(gasps)

Master Knightfire.

As the birthday boy, I have a special request!

-(whispering) -Uh-huh. I love it. I'm on it.

(electronic music)

I am Sinjin Knightfire!

(scattered cheering)

Welcome to the magical world of magic.

For my first trick,

I'm going to need a volunteer from the audience.

Hold on,

is there a Rand-y Cunning-ham...

Randy Cunningham in the audience?

I can't go up there! I have to hold the bag!

Randy! Randy! Randy!

(all) Randy! Randy! Randy!

Relax, I'll watch the bag...

if you admit you shouldn't have brought that thing in the first place!

Never! Just gonna slouch it out.

Right over here. This is him. Randy Cunningham! Here he is!

-(groans) -This is the box of transference.

A portal betwixt

our world and another.

You wanna leave your purse at your seat?

It's not a purse. And I can't.

Fine. Suit yourself.

I will place him in the box.

And banish him from our plane...

Aah.

(mild applause)

(mumbles)

-Tada! -(audience gasps)

All right, put your hands together

-for the box of transference. -(applause)

-It's gone! My bag! -What bag?

-Ugh. My purse? -I dunno kid. OK?

What happens in the box of transference stays in the box of transference.

Now beat it.

-(applause) -(evil laugh)

I lost it. I lost the sorcerer ball and I have no idea where it is.

-(thunder rumbles) -I think I know where it is.

Lightning? I don't do lightning.

But I do!

Applaud before me,

for I am the greatest magician in the universe!

(evil laugh)

-(screeching) -(screaming)

(shouting)

-(screams) -You are making a huge mistake!

That is exactly what I said. Didn't I, Cunningham?

-(yelling) -Cunningham?

A doorway to another dimension! And I opened it! Me!

-(laughs) -Smokebomb!

Julian, this isn't you!

You're a regular weirdo. Not a wonkin' shoobiopath!

I am a master of magic! And no one can deny my power!

Um... Missed me. (grunts)

Ninja! Save us!

Little held up here!

Booo!

Ahh! Also save me, too!

-(screeching) -Ninja leap!

(growls)

Ninja boom ball!

Thanks, Ninja!

Watch it! Huh?

Hey! Found your purse! Ball's gone.

(evil laughter)

Welcome, evil ones.

-H'oh boy. That's not good. -(screaming)

Ninja ring!

-Thanks for saving us, Ninja! -(screaming)

Ninja?! Need to be saved again!

Thanks for coming to my party.

Oh!

Ninja sai! Ninja sai!

(screeching)

-Yah! -There's nothing you can do.

I'm a great magician. No! I'm a sorcerer!

It's not you, it's the ball!

I'll have to remember to thank Randy Cunningham

for the best birthday present ever.

Ninja ball-slap!

(gasps)

(groans)

My regards to the Land of Shadows.

Howard! The ball! Get the ball! But don't touch it!

Get it. Don't touch it. You got a lotta rules, Ninja.

The bag, use the bag!

-You mean the purse? -Fine, yes, the purse.

(grunts) Hey Julian! Trade ya.

-Howard, no! -Howard, yes!

Ninja for the ball?

-(yells) -Give it here.

Catch.

(grunting)

(yelps)

(screams)

-Ninja scarf save! -(screaming)

Let go of the bag!

It's my birthday present!

It's not your present.

(evil laugh)

Whoa.

-(grunting) -Julian?

Did I miss cake?

My Illusionarium!

You can forget about your security deposit, kid.

So I'm gonna... smokebomb!

So you're saying I was right and you owe me for saving your cheese.

I am not saying either of those things. But thanks.

I never should have brought that ball to the party.

I thought I could protect it, but instead I put everyone in danger.

Epically unsmart.

Cunningham, that is not a word.

Kinda wish I didn't throw the ball into the land of shadows though.

-That's probably a bad thing. -Which is why I didn't let you.

Hmm?

(gasps)

Take this thing and hide it in a place no one will ever look.

Not your underwear drawer. Because I look there.

Howard, you are the cheese...

But, wait, if you had the ball what was in the bag?

(evil laugh)

(screams)

(roars)

Only the true bros shall pass.

-(video game beeps) -(slurps)

(groans) Howard! Ditch the fizz! Dragon-fist at four o'clock!

I'm on it!

Aw, I'm soaked to the phone! Incoming sparkling water zing!

(grunting)

-Look out, there's a mine. -I know! I'm gonna... Just did!

You have made dragon cry fiery tears! Now entering Level Zero!

Cunningham, we're about to beat

Grave Puncher: Dragon Punch: Quad Fist Bro-dition, together!

We are so in sync right now! Punching as one. Kicking as one.

-We're even finishing each others... -Burritos!

-Burritos? We don't even have... -Have burritos!

Man, we are on fire!

(bell dinging)

Ahh! There's a monster on the loose!

Everyone stay in the hole!

Skee-cash-cow, man. Skee-cash-cow.

Gotta ninj. BRB, buddy.

Ah! What about Level Zero?

Hm. Play with Bucky till I get back.

(chuckles)

(gasps) You would have me bro-dish with another?

-(kids screaming) -Howard! I have to go!

-(grunts) -You're sure? Like sure sure?

I've never been so sure-sure of anything in my life-life!

You "bro" you want to!

Replacement friend zing!

Fine. But if we lose, you're buying me lunch.

Also if we win, you're buying me lunch.

-(roars) -Ahhh!

Let's do this!

Ninja Flute Girl kick!

-(roars) -Oh. That was my guts.

(screams)

Why is Flute Girl attacking... what's that girls name?

Plays the clarinet.

I think her name's "Claire." Or maybe it's "Annette."

-My name is Rachel! -Rachel!

Nah, that can't be right.

Stevens gave me a trombone lesson and Flute Girl lost her cheese!

(roars)

Huh? Stevens! I should'a known!

Stevens, you gotta cool it with all the tom-cattin'.

Flute Girl gets jealous!

-(roars) -(screams)

-(plays note) -Ninja trombone slash!

(gasps)

You good? You good? Is everybody good?

Good. Smokebomb!

I'm not good.

-(video game beeping) -(grunting)

Hey buddy, I'm back!

Craziest thing: did you know that clarinet girl's name is Rachel?

You have extincted all the dragons! Maximum high five four times!

-We did it? -You did it?

-(cheering) -With him?

That's me! I'm the him!

-(laughter) -Wow.

Uh, you won. Without me. That's, uh, really the cheese.

Actually, it's "hold the cheese."

(laughs) Am I right?

Sorry, buddy. Inside joke.

Guess you had to brie there! Hold-the-cheese zing!

(laughs) Speaking of, I believe somebody owes me nachos.

Owes? I wouldn't say I owes you nachos. I can spot you nachos.

'Chos for my bro!

(gasps)

You're mooching off Bucky now?

Shall we adjourn to the Food Hole, my good Hensletter?

We shall, my good Weinerman.

(laughing)

Hey, that's cool.

Save me a seat, OK? I'll meet you there.

Aww.

(cell phone ringing)

-Hey man, you coming over or what? -Be right there.

I just gotta take care of this spider problem.

Ninja slice!

Yes! Ew!

Buf! So gross...

What's the matter, you got "attack-nophobia"? Ha!

Spider zing. Hensletter's gonna love that one.

Did Howard just zing?

(groans)

(bell ringing)

Sorry I didn't call you back.

I was up all night wringing spider goo outta my underpants.

No worries. I held my own cheese.

(chuckles) Held my own cheese.

Yeah, still don't get that. So did you like go to bed early? Or...

-What happened? -There he is! Big Dave!

You left this at my place last night.

Thanks, Howard. That was an epic jam session.

We still on for tonight?

I'll SMS you with the deetelios!

Um! You jammed with Accordion Dave last night?!

No! Accordion Dave jammed with me. And Bucky.

What?! But we were supposed to hang out!

You were off ninja-ing!

Was I supposed to sit around and wait for you?

Yes! I mean, no, not wait. Just, sit by yourself not doing anything.

Hey, you were the one who said I should bro-dish with Bucky.

I did say that...

What up, Pradeep? You still holding that cheese?

You know that I am! Pew-pew! Ha-ha!

Pradeep was there too?!

You know that he was... now.

I can't believe this!

What the juice, Cunningham, are you jealous?

(laughs) Jealous?

I don't know what that word means,

The meaning... What does it mean?

What is... whoa, the Nomicon's buzzing. I gotta take this.

Mm. I didn't hear any buzzing.

Yeah, I have it on vibrate... It has that. And I felt it. It vibrated.

Jealous. Please, Nomicon.

Why would I be jealous? I'm the Ninja.

Bucky? Accordion Dave? Pradeep?!

And what's with "hold the cheese." What does that even mean?

(roars)

"The jealous dragon slays what it should protect."

Wait, wait, wait. You think I'm jealous?

I am not jealous! Maybe you're jealous!

Ohhhh, this isn't about jealousy.

It's about me protecting Howard from his false bros!

(chuckles) Man, Howard is lucky to have a friend like me!

So if there's nothing else,

I got a complicated plan to set in motion...

do some protecting... (chuckles)

Anytime. I'm ready to blow.

Whenever you're ready to... I'm good to... goooo!

(playing off-beat)

Hey buddy, whatcha doin', havin' some lunch?

Oh. Cunningham. I thought you were in the Nomicon.

The guys sent me a note asking me to eat with them.

So why don't you come with?

I wouldn't want to intrude...

Any bro of mine is a bro of theirs.

(giggles)

Oh. Looks like my fellas are running a little late.

Or...they stood you up! So un-Bruce!

Wow, a harsh but necessary way of teaching you who your true bro is.

I know who my true bro is: you. What's goin' on with that pickle?

Uh...Wait, but...what about Bucky

and the jam session and "hold the cheese"?

Those guys are just casual bros, for when you're not around.

What's the status of that burger?

-Wonder where those guys are anyway. -Hmm.

(sighs)

Why would Howard send us notes telling us to meet him on the roof

if he wasn't going to be here?

Hey. Howard, I got your note.

(stuttering) Don't let that door lock! It's note what you think!

Betrayed by our new friend zing!

(squeaking)

(sniffs)

Mmmm! Jealousy.

Anguish. Despair.

It's a veritable buffet... of betrayal!

(evil laughter)

-(door clicking) -(gasps)

I think someone's coming!

I knew Howard wouldn't let us down!

(all gasp)

Can't believe those guys bailed on me.

Yeah. About that...

(roaring)

-Bucky? Dave? Pradeep? -(growling)

-What the juice is going on? -Howard, hide! I'll handle this!

Not that any of it is my fault. Not in any way at all.

(yelling)

-(yells) -Mine!

Ninja casual bro kick!

Hands off, boys. He's with me!

-Never let me go, Ninja. -I never will, buddy.

(shouts)

How do I de-stank them? What do Casual Bros hold most dear?

(all) Howaaarrd!

Huh? Oh no. No, no, no, no, no!

-I have to destroy... -(shouting)

-...Howard?! -(yells)

-What was that? -This can't be right!

I mean, it makes Ninja-sense. But it doesn't make much bro-sense.

And absolutely no biffer-sense!

-Ow! -Come on, guys!

This is so not "hold the cheese"!

Still don't get that. (gasps)

"The jealous dragon slays what it should protect."

I was jealous! Me. Randy.

Only a Randy can protect a Howard!

-(growls) -Punching.

-(yells)

(Randy) Hold the cheese, monsters!

Ha. Hold the cheese.

It's not Howard you should be angry with. It's me, Randy Cunningham! I was jealous.

I sent the notes. I lured you to the roof.

This is your fault?!

Well, I wouldn't say "fault".

-(all roaring) -(screams)

It's my fault! It's my fault!

(whimpering)

I can't believe it's only Wednesday.

You guys can still hang out with Howard. I'm totally cool with it!

Uh-huh. No way. Forget it.

I need a nice safe friend. Like a kitten.

That sounds purr-fect! Let's do it right meow!

Scared of getting between Randy and Howard Zing!

I told you to bro-dish with Bucky, but when you did it, I lost my cheese.

-I acted like a real shoob. -Yeah, you did.

But you're my best shoob.

Ah!

(panting)

I'll never leave you hanging again.

-(horn sounds) -(roars)

Uh...

You're gonna leave me hanging now, aren't you?

I sure am. (exclaims)

(chuckles) Stevens. What a tomcat.