Original subtitles

-♪ Yo, Ninja! ♪ - (Randy) I was chosen

to protect my school from the forces of evil.

I am the Ninja. I am Randy Cunningham.

♪ Smoke bomb! ♪

(rock music plays)

Greetings, net-lings.

We're live from Speakman Fields,

where in less than an hour, Lloyd Doppler,

Norrisville's first weather satellite, is gonna crash this party.

Space Junkies have come from far and wide

to watch that totally twisted ball of metal

kiss the ground hard.

And we're gonna see it in full-on hyperzoom.

-The McPeepers 360 pro-grade binoculars. -Ooh!

Image stabilization.

Ultra-low dispersion lenses.

Chromatic aberration prevention.

With these McPeepers, we'll be inches away

from Lloyd Doppler as it commits

the ultimate sacrifice...

(both) Smashdown!

Let's do it. Time's a-wastin'.

-Maybe you should let me hold those. -What? Why?

How should I put this? Hmm...

You kind of break, like, everything you touch.

-What are you talking about? -Hmm...

If only I had an example.

Your McScoots, McSkates, McFistPad, McSoundBox,

McLightBox, McVidStick, McBeanBag, McBunk

and your McFurBuddy, may he rest in piece.

(sniffs)

Cunningham, those McPeepers are my dad's.

Which means I'm less not allowed to touch them than you.

See? Touched 'em. They're fine.

(gasps, screams) I'm cursed!

Now we'll never see Lloyd Doppler's fiery death

in rod-melting, cone-splitting zoomage.

Do something!

-Like what? -I don't know. Ninja out.

Go in the Nomicon . Some wonkin' thing.

Oh, so when I'm shoobed, the NinjaNomicon is "stupid",

-but when you're shoobed... -Yes. Exactly. Go!

Ugh! (gasps)

(shouts)

Nomicon , I have this friend

who wasn't supposed to touch this thing, but he touched it,

it broke, I told him not to, but...

You got anything for that?

"A problem at a distance..."

(grunting)

"...may be a solution up close."

I look forward to figuring out whatever the cheese that means.

What'd it say? What'd it say? What'd it say?

A problem at a distance may be a solution up close.

Oh, great, that solves absolutely nothing!

Hmm.

"McPeepers are guaranteed 100% unbreakable"?

Wait a honkin' minute... That's it!

Howard, I know how we can get a new pair of McPeepers.

You're gonna tell me, right?

(McFist) Viceroy, get in here!

Not sure why we even bothered putting in an intercom.

Care to explain this?

(screaming)

H-Diz here with a "s'update."

With only a half-hour before Lloyd's crash landing, a giant,

uncoordinated robot anteater...

Please. It's an "armored-dillo."

...is fritzing out all over our fun.

(McFist screams)

Why's your robot fritzing out all over the fun, Viceroy?

I said I wanted it to lure and destroy the Ninja.

You also said, "I just finished watching a show on armadillos.

Make it exactly like an armadillo."

Fun fact, armadillos can hold their breath for up to six minutes.

Also, they have terrible eyesight.

Oh, I'm beginning to see the problem.

Sir, there are two boys here

saying they broke their McPeepers.

They want a free pair.

Give 'em a free pair of McKicks in the butt!

Impossible. McPeepers don't break.

I designed them specifically not to.

And yet they did. Shocker.

-Just take care of it. -What about the armored-dillo?

Does it look like he's going anywhere?

-(squealing) -(laughing)

(sighs)

This better work, Cunningham. I am not missing Smashdown.

OK. You got another idea?

Of course not. (chuckles) I'm just saying it better work.

So you're the ones claiming you broke a pair of McPeepers.

Sorry, boys, but there is just no...

But they're indestructible. I'll prove it.

-See? Indestructible. -Huh?

Oh, boy! Totally see.

Sorry, buddy. Robot on the loose. Gotta take care of this.

Indestructible.

Get the new McPeeps and meet me there.

McPeepers don't break. (shrieks)

I've got a Smashdown to attend,

so if you'll just give me my new McPeepers,

-I'll be on my way. -You come with me now.

-(robot snarls) -(panting)

(screaming)

(Bucky) Toi-let me out! Porta Potty zing!

(Ninja) Smoke bomb!

(shrieks)

Hello. Over here.

Nope. Over here. No, here.

Here. How's this?

Follow the sound of my voice.

Oh, boy.

Ninja flip!

Ninja unprotected belly stab!

N.J., mucho grac for your help. You hanging?

-What? -Only ten minutes

and they'll be writing Lloyd Doppler's orbit-uary.

(Bucky) Orbit-uary. Satellite zing.

Ten minutes. Howard should be here by now.

Unless he can't. 'Cause I left him at my archenemy's lair.

Smoke bomb!

Hey, Viceroy, what has four legs,

a hard shell and is 100% useless?

Your armored-dillo.

Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

Yep, feeling pretty good about that burn.

Who's the kid?

This boy is greatest destructive force I've ever seen.

Every product in there is guaranteed indestructible.

Yet, he can always find its weakness.

He demolished the McPooper.

Mm-hmm. Inadequate pressure valve.

(humming)

-Hm? -How'd he do that?

Apparently, I over-oxidized the metal plating

on the McFrying Pan.

(clears throat)

(screams, sighs)

And under-oxidized the plating on the McStove.

(laughing)

(screams)

How exactly is this chowder head burning down

my building good for business?

Oh, it's terrible for business.

But it's great for that other thing.

(laughing) The other thing.

What other thing?

-You know... -Yes.

No, I don't know.

Five minutes till smashdown.

(panting) There was a kid here a minute ago.

Yay big, breaks stuff.

He destroyed another pair of McPeepers

so Mr. Viceroy took him to the back room.

The back room?

Bad things always happen in back rooms.

Viceroy, whatever I assume you're doing

to my friend right now, you better assume

that I'm assuming I'm going to do it to you.

Only worse and that's a fact.

Howard, you're OK.

-Better than OK. Look what I got. -New McPeepers.

New and improved.

Thanks to your friend here,

now they really are indestructible.

Show him.

Pleasure working with you, Willem.

And thanks for the fresh peeps.

Believe me, you earned them.

(laughs, cackles)

So that's weird.

You shaking hands with Viceroy.

Yeah, I thought breaking things was a curse.

Turns out it's a gift.

I'm helping to make high quality consumer goods.

Feels nice helping people. You should try it.

Oh, that's a great idea, maybe I will. Thanks so much.

Eyes on the skies. Only three minutes till...

(both) Smashdown!

No. No. You already had Ninja o'clock.

It's past Ninja o'clock.

Don't worry. I'm warmed up.

This won't take long.

Ninja chain-sicle! Oof!

Ow! How'd you see that coming?

Oh, you have McPeepers in the back of your...

Wait a honkin' second! McPeepers?

-Ninja stab! - Ninja stab!

What kind of armor is that?

McFrying Pans. Good luck stopping those, Ninja.

Those are Weinerman-tested.

Ninja tengu fire ball!

That bot can't be broken.

My best friend is gonna be destroyed because of me.

It's a curse again.

The 100% McFist Product Robot.

-Now 100% indestructible. -Yes!

And the Ninja will be 100% destrumbled.

-Sir, "destrumbled" is not a... -Yes, it is.

(grunting)

Ninja electric slice!

(panting) That robot can't be stopped.

No kidding!

No, I mean it really can't be stopped.

Why do I have to be so awesome at breaking things? (screams)

-This is all my fault. -Stop shaking me.

-I break everything I touch. -Stop touching me.

(gasps) "A problem at a distance may be a solution up close."

Howard, you've never met a McFist product you can't break.

There must be a way to destroy this robot.

Nothing on Earth can stop it.

-Unless... -Mm-hmm.

(Ninja) Hey, you! Over here.

Weinerman jamming sticks.

(grunting)

Whoa!

-(all gasp) -(man) Sixteen,

fifteen, fourteen,

- thirteen, twelve... -Ninja steer!

...eleven, ten, nine, eight...

-Whoa! - ...seven, six, five, four,

- three, two, one, zero. -No, no, no!

Lloyd Doppler. Right on time.

-It's a gift! -(cheering)

Smoke bomb!

A satellite? Agghh!

(laughs) Indestructible.

-(screams) -That, too.

-(McFist shouts) -(metal clanking)

(Viceroy) Also that.

-(gunfire) -Blam. Blam!

(laughs, chokes)

(imitating video game sounds)

(game announcer) That is no baloney, you have leveled up!

Um, I come with a message from the Food Hole.

You're bogartin' the Mustermann, and people are not happy.

(growling)

Howard, I've dropped eight hours. Blam!

And two weeks allowance into this game. Bla-blam!

I'm finally about to beat it.

Click. Click. Click. No. I'm out.

(announcer) Welcome, Baby Buckaroo. He will to be your huckleberry.

-What are you doing? -Saving your butt.

My butt doesn't need saving.

- Baby Buckaroo is hero of the victory. -What the juice?

By the power vested in me

by the Manfred Mustermann Kid Cowboy Committee,

I hereby pronounce you,

"Hero for the Day." Skee-bow!

Wow! A medal.

I did not plan on being a hero today.

But when duty calls, you know? (laughs)

-Duty. -Just one thing, you're not a hero.

Then why do I have this medal?

Because you jumped in at the last second and ganked your biffer's cheese,

-Howard-style. -What's that supposed to mean?

Look, the Ninja is a hero. You're, you know...

No, I don't know.

Come on, we both know. You're... you.

Exactly. A hero!

Clearly what we need is some kind of hero expert.

Fortunately, I happen to have such an expert

here in my satchel.

Even the NinjaNomicon will agree with me on this one

because I'm right.

(gasps)

"A hero sacrifices all to save the day."

Yes, exactly. Thanks a trills, Nomi-Cool . Vloomp you later.

Ha! It must kill you that even your own book says I'm the hero.

That is not what it said.

I sacrificed my last token. Day saved by me.

You didn't save the day. You saved the second.

That medal should say, "Randy does all the work while Howard

jumps in at the last second and ganks his cheese."

And yet, all it says is "Hero."

Medals don't lie, Cunningham.

(roars) What's this, some kind of line?

Let's stand in it and find out. (guffaws)

-Hey, Randy. -Oh, were you asking about my hero medal?

I got it for hero-ing. I'm a hero. Hero.

Not a hero.

(dance music playing)

How have we never heard of "Club Super Awesome Teen Time Club"?

It's every one of those words.

And one of them twice.

I'll bet it's exclusive. Think of all the people who didn't get in.

Cunningham and Weinerman, check.

Every single person from school is here.

Bucky? Why are you taking attendance?

She told me to. I didn't mask any questions.

Mysterious hostess zing!

-Ugh! I know that smell. -Wasn't me!

OK, it was me.

I'm talking about her. Rancid bologna. Old man breath.

Don't tell me. Don't tell me...

Students of Norrisville,

I hope you're enjoying the party.

(cheering)

Everybody's cheering, so I'm cheering.

Because it will be your last.

(cackling)

Wouldn't you know it? My first party is also my last.

(cackling)

-(Randy) The Sorceress. -Man, they'll let anybody in this club.

You are all my prisoners.

The Ninja will come for us.

Oh, I believe the Ninja is already here.

Now to give him a reason to show himself.

(snarling)

(shouting)

My sister's a demon dog!

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't suspected.

-This calls for a hero. -I'm on it.

I mean the Ninja, not you, Baby Buckaroo.

(gasps)

Stay outta my way. It's Ninja ti... Theresa.

You're holding my hand. That's quite a grip you got there.

Hope you don't mind. I'm gonna hang onto this 'cause, you know... those.

(screams)

Reveal yourself, Ninja.

Or everyone will pay for your cowardice.

Hmm. Where is that Ninja?

Guess I'll have to handle this.

Do not handle this. Huh?

I gotta get everybody to the bathroom.

Theresa, I don't suppose you have your twirlin' sticks on you.

-(grunts) -Am I going to get this back?

No. Hey, demon dogs.

-Fetch! -(snarls)

-Yes, yes. Quick, everyone into the... -Bathroom.

Hi, I'm Howard, I'll be your hero this evening.

Come on, Randy, let's follow Howard.

He's ganking my cheese again.

-(screaming) -(growling)

(cackling)

Say hello to our newest hero.

Ninja no-show zing!

Stop ganking my cheese!

Stop making it so easy to gank your cheese.

(whimpering) What do we do now?

Yeah, hero, what do we do now?

-Through there. -We don't know where it goes.

As any real hero can tell, it goes that way.

I'm terrified of dogs and mystery doors.

Not a good night for me.

(Sorceress) Yes, my pets,

drive them deeper

to their doom. (cackles)

Relax, everybody. You're in good hands. Mine.

Though they may be delicate, they will lead you to safety.

You have to distract Theresa and Bucky so I can...

So you can what, Cunningham?

Finally show up and gank my cheese?

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Yes. I would love that. So would everyone else.

-You have no idea where you're leading us. -Admit it.

-You have no faith in me. -I have no faith in you.

Well, I do. I'll follow you anywhere, O hero, my hero.

Wow, those are some sweaty mitts you got there.

Theresa, I think you'd be safer with Howard.

He's the... uh, real hero.

I heard that. Everybody hear that? (echoes)

-Really? -I'm afraid so.

But I'll be right behind you.

Stick close, people.

This hero train don't stop till we reach Safety Town.

-Finally, it's Nin... -Move it. I'm following that guy.

Ninja time!

Flute Dog, Weiner Dog, Morgan Dog, let's see what you got.

-(snarls) -A little warning would have been nice.

Ninja flip!

Are you sure you know where you're going?

You wouldn't ask the Ninja if he knew where he was going.

He usually knows where he's going.

Listen up, people. I'm your hero,

which means you do what I say. And I say we're going this way.

-That's a bottomless pit. -Then we're going the other way.

(grunts) Huh?

-What the juice? -(roaring)

Bad dogs.

Ninja stalactite snag!

Hi-yah!

Zone! Uh-oh.

Ow! Ah...

(grunts)

-Who's next? -(Sorceress) I am.

Welcome to my lair.

Hope you like what I've done with the place.

Little cave-y for my taste.

(shrieks)

(Sorceress cackling)

(grunts)

Ah!

Hachi-machi!

What the juice is that?

A portal to the Land of Shadows.

-The Land Of Shadows? -(cackling)

I languished there for 800 years.

Now it's your turn to suffer.

Darkness will be your prison,

while I rule the world with the Sorcerer.

-What? -Oh, yes, I did.

Ninja Sorceress surprise!

(screams, winces)

(laughs)

I will savor your destruction.

Then I will turn my wrath

on those you have sworn to protect.

Not gonna happen. They're long gone by now.

This is it. Right through this tunnel is... aw, more cave?

I'll destroy them first and make you watch.

(all gasp)

A hero sacrifices all.

(snarls)

No!

(grunting)

-(panting) -You saved me.

Don't ever do that again.

Trust me, I wasn't that into it either.

(chanting) Ninja! Ninja! Ninja!

Ninja saved us.

And Howard saved the Ninja.

-Howard! Howard... -I was wrong.

-You're a total hero. -The important thing is

-you admitted you're wrong. -Of course, I'm a hero, too.

I mean, I did banish the Sorceress back to the Land of Shadows.

Bummer they don't make a medal for that.

Oh! I lost my medal in the Land of Shadows.

I'm gonna follow the Ninja home.

No, Bash. This hero will show you the way.

-What about Randy? -I'm sure we'll find him

crying in some tunnel on the way out.

Which is this way.

-Other way. -Other way!

-(all groan) -(Ninja laughs)

Ahh... smoke bomb.

(theme music plays)