Original subtitles

♪ Go, ninja! ♪

(Randy) I was chosen to protect my school

from the forces of evil.

I am the ninja.

I am Randy Cunningham.

♪ Smoke bomb ♪

Attention, students.

The moment you lined up for is almost upon us.

Come on, back up. Back up!

Savesies. Savesies!

As you know, last month our beloved cafeteria

was destroyed by a certain mutated student

who shall remain nameless.

He gots a name! It's Bucky!

Says so right here in his underwears!

No wedgies! See you in detention.

Now, while the Ninja was able to protect our students...

Woot, woot! Ninja!

...he was unable to protect

the tables, chairs, floors and ceiling.

But only four short weeks

and one year's Twirl Team budget later...

That is so the boo.

...we are ready to open our new cafeteria!

Now, I know you've all lined up to "score"

the "illest" table, but let me assure you

they are all equally ill.

Wrong-o, Slim-Diggity.

There is one that stands above the rest.

Tab-el-Dorado!

Wait, I thought we settled on Shangri-lunch.

Oh, yeah, that's way better.

Shangri-lunch.

The single greatest place to sit

in all of the lunch room.

Perfect proximity to the snack bar.

Centrally located for hearing

what's up with the what's up.

And thanks to a perfectly positioned skylight,

even the lighting makes you look cooler.

Shangri-lunch, here we come.

I hereby declare this cafeteria...

...a place to eat!

(all shouting)

Come on, Howard! Pick up the pace.

Howard, look out!

Sit on this! 'Cause it's a chair.

And you sit on it.

Oursies!

Howard. That was incredible!

I know. Those donuts were gluten-free.

Didn't think I could keep 'em down.

Shangri-lunch. Oh, it's ours.

This is the beginning of something big, Howard.

Things are about to change for us, I can feel it.

New cafeteria rules: No sprinting.

See ya in detention.

(playing sad trombone)

(groaning)

Thanks for saving my table for me!

No, Bash. We got here first.

First is for losers!

(sad trombone)

-Bash... -...is a jerk.

Also, we now have a strict "no soaring" policy.

-See you in detention. -(sad trombone muffled)

Three times? Really, Stevens?

(scoffing)

What I wouldn't give to jam that trombone

straight up Stevens' wah-wah.

Maybe you can.

All you have to do is roll.

(giggling)

What the juice?

Cunningham, don't talk to them

or we're gonna wind up sitting at their table.

Welcome to Der Monster Klub!

"Cloob?" What's a "cloob?"

It's the better, more strangely European way

of saying "club." I am your Klub-Master!

Your roll, Accordion David.

Yes, a four. I give Bash a wedgie.

Is this one of those in-your-head games?

'Cause I'm so not down with imagination.

Every day at lunch, we play as monsters,

pretending to strike fear in the hearts of jerks everywhere!

Like Stevens. He sad-trombones me

every time I drop a juggling pin.

Every time!

(playing sad trombone)

And Bash. He resents me

for my great skill on the accordion.

(playing discordant notes)

And Slimovitz.

This is for canceling Twirl Team!

Uh, what about the Ninja?

In this world, there are only monsters.

There is no Ninja.

-(giggling) -(gasping)

Ha! A nine.

I'm giving the Lunch Lady a swirlie!

Cunningham, you gotta try this game.

It's the cheese.

Yes, come, Randy.

Savor the power of Der Monster Klub!

Eh, it's just a game.

Right?

(pop music playing)

♪ When I first met you ♪

♪ I thought I wouldn't like your game ♪

♪ But then I rolled the dice ♪

♪ And things will never be the same ♪

♪ Not quite friends But someday ♪

♪ We can hang out after school ♪

♪ Not quite friends But someday ♪

♪ Actually, today I'm kind of busy ♪

-(all gasping) -What just happened?

You rolled the dreaded five.

'Tis the fifth day in a row

your enemy has worn his underpants.

Therefore, he turns into a...

...a monster!

What?

No, that's not how you turn into a monster.

Guys, you turn into a monster when you get bummed.

Like humiliated or something like that, like there's...

Cunningham!

Or...

...the underpants thing makes a ton of sense.

Of course. Bummedness!

That's the key!

(giggling)

My dear Klubers, forgive me

for the humiliation I'm about to inflict.

Attention, classmates. I must inform you

that Juggo sleeps with a stuffed kitty

named Admiral Cuddles.

You said what happens at sleepovers

stays at sleepovers!

(all laughing)

And my good friend Accordion Dave

shaves his butt.

If I don't, it looks like

I'm wearing fur underpants.

(all laughing)

And Theresa...

Julian, don't you say it!

(laughter echoing)

(sniffing)

Ah. I have not sniffed this much simultaneous humiliation

since the Great De-Pantsing of '81!

The moment of my escape is nigh!

-(squeaking) -It means "near."

Now back up. You're standing too nigh.

(laughing maniacally)

Like none of you have ever tasted it before!

(all laughing)

(all shouting)

Yes! It's working.

Go, my Klub.

The power of monster is yours!

That's right. The ad should say

"For Sale: 200 Gently Twirled Batons."

(screeching)

I'm gonna have to call you back.

-(screaming) -(playing sad trombone)

(shouting)

(gasping)

(screaming)

Monster or no monster,

I ain't givin' up this table!

(screaming)

(growling)

Hey! You're makin' weird sounds.

(laughing)

(shouting) Bash no likey!

Epic brain-fart, Cunningham.

Epic. Brain. Fart.

I have to stop them.

Or you could just let it happen.

The monsters get to monster

and we get Shangri-Lunch back.

(muttering) No!

I have to fix this.

Oh, you're out of the Klub.

-You stupid jerk! -(discordant accordion)

-Put me down! -(Ninja) Smokebomb!

-Dave, drop the... -No, Ninja.

Don't stop Dave's rampage.

Sorry, Julian.

Nobody gets monstered on my watch.

-Dave, drop the... -No, Ninja!

No! Would you stop that?

Ninja Wrap!

It's not fair! You're ruining it.

You're ruining everything! (sobbing)

Four monsters for the price of one.

I love a bargain.

(shouting)

Bash, run!

You run! (shouting)

Got the table back. You want in?

Yah!

Ninja Glow Balls!

Hey! Check it out.

I'm stuck in some kinda sticky stringy thing

that came out of a spider's butt!

It's a web. Sweet school board,

I need to have a talk with the Science Department.

Oh, also get me down!

-(screeching) -What the juice?

Yikes! Whoa.

Why am I not landing?

Listen, Monster Klub...

Kloob.

Kloob, I know that you feel

powerless and weak and picked on.

But mutating yourselves into hideous rampaging monsters

is never the answer.

If you do this, you're as bad as they are.

No! It came out of his butt.

Now we finish the game.

A four? That's wedgies.

Everyone's getting wedgies!

Please, I'll find the money for Twirl Team.

Just leave my skivvies alone.

(groaning) Ninja Finger Slicey Thingies!

Time for a bulk de-stanking.

How do you destank an entire Klub?

Twenty-sided die.

It's my roll, Julian.

Stop him!

Ninja Stretch.

Ninja Helicopter Baton Flying Maneuver!

Huh? (groaning)

(growling)

Next time, Ninja.

Next time!

(squeaking)

(Dave) Hey, you there. Help me, I'm stuck!

What happened? I don't remember anything.

Nothing? So you don't remember

how to become a monster?

-Well, I remember that. -(groaning)

You wear the same underpants five days in a row.

(laughing) You keep on believin' that, buddy.

Smokebomb!

Uh, Ninja. 'Scuse me?

You gonna... You gonna cut us down?

(sad trombone)

See this is why

getting the perfect table is so important.

You sat with the weirdoes for ten minutes

and you started a monster uprising!

So I accidentally told them a Ninja secret.

The important thing is I fixed it.

I stopped the Klub.

No, the important thing is,

while you were running around like a shoob,

I got us Shangri-Lunch.

That you did, Big H. That you did.

People, if we're gonna make this Lunch-Nasium work

while the gym's being repaired,

we're gonna need some rules.

Basketballs on the left, meatballs on the right!

Howard, this is the greatest night of our lives.

(both grunting)

Grave Puncher, the greatest video game

since I don't know when

has been made into a movie!

Nothing will stop us from seeing the world premiere

of Grave Puncher: The Movie.

(both) IN 6-D!

(both chortling)

(gasping) Huh?

Would you Butt Punchers keep it down?

I'm trying to study for my driver's test.

Which is why my colleague Randy and I

will be taking in the midnight show of a certain cinema film

that involves the mass punching of graves.

It's Grave Puncher. They made it into a movie.

-And it is 6-D. -Are you crazy?

Mom and Dad would never let you go to a midnight movie.

Exactly! That's why we're going tonight,

while they're out. Duh.

Oh, no. No way. They left me in charge.

OK? I'm responsible. You and Mandy...

Randy. It's always been Randy.

...are not going to a midnight movie!

-Yes, we are. -No, you're not!

(door locking)

(grunting)

Oh, man, the door's locked. We're trapped!

We're not gonna get to see Grave Puncher...

Howard, chill.

It's the only screening of GPTM 6-D in the world.

We are gonna see that movie.

But we're trapped in a maximum-security basement,

almost below ground level. We'd have to escape

without the guard discovering we're gone.

-We are totally shoobed! -Or are we?

I think this situation calls for a little shloomp

into the NinjaNomicon.

(grunting)

(Randy) "The Art of Escape." Oh, bing. Go!

OK, bag. Making a dummy.

Window. That's how you escape.

Booyah, I got it.

"Deceit often comes at a price."

Oh, yeah, it does.

The price of two tickets and a large poppy-corn!

(shouting) No!

Easy, boy. Movie hasn't started yet.

We already know the Art of Escape.

All we have to do is escape backwards.

Manhole. I'll Ninja-out,

then we'll sneak under the theater through the sewer,

climb up the plumbing into the bathroom,

hose off, de-suit, and boom! We are in.

Or we could climb that ladder into that window.

Hmm. Yeah, no, we could... we could do that.

-(projector running) -(Randy) Mmm-hmm.

-Hey, boss, you OK? -I'm a Ninja.

I think I can handle...

(crackling)

Way to stuff the entry, Cunningham.

Why don't you make some more noise?

Hey, you just gonna stand here

or you gonna help me clean this off?

I'm just gonna stand here. Hey, you asked.

Hurry up!

Watching you clean up those McSquiddles

reminded me that I wanted you to buy me some McSquiddles.

(farting)

(scoffs) Gross.

(sniffing)

This room doesn't smell like sleep farts.

(Heidi shouting) Howard!

♪ Movie time Let's go to the movies ♪

♪ Get your popcorn ♪

Slappage!

Why'd you pinch off the slap?

(high voice) Over there.

Look over there!

Let's just casually stand up

-and go find other seats. -Forget it, Cunningham!

These were the last empty seats in the house.

Deal with it. There's nowhere else to sit.

(slurping)

You feel that? I just got chills.

Why would I feel you get chills?

Because chills is a side effect

of my new 6-D McFist-O-Vision system.

It uses the latest in laser-guided,

cybernetic, holographic technology

to create the ultimate cinematic experience.

I'll be the judge of that.

(Heidi) I am not gonna let stupid Howard

keep me from studying for my driver's test.

Coming to a complete stop. Check for oncoming traffic.

Left signal, and we're moving.

Ah, this is nice,

us at the movies together.

Your knee is touching my knee.

Mmm-hmm.

(audience gasping)

(Randy and Howard) Grave Puncher!

In 6-D!!

(audience reacting)

(growling)

(laughing)

Did I tell you or did I tell you?

Ooh, there he is, there he is!

-Puncher! -I love you, Puncher!

Ooo, here comes my favorite part.

Watch. Right...

Viceroy, if you don't stop talking I'm gonna...

You just got 6-Ded.

Hard.

One of you tombstones killed my mama.

You all gonna pay.

With punches!

So honkin' Bruce!

Can't black out!

Must watch awesome movie!

(crackling)

Well, what do we have here?

A grave new world.

To punch!

Yow! That's some high-voltage punch-ocity!

Whoo-hoo!

This movie's better than the video game.

Puncher, over here!

Punch me!

Jab! Jab! Bolo Punch!

Right. Left. Right.

In the mouth. In your face.

Jab! Jab! Jab! (laughing)

I gotta hand it to you, Viceroy,

this 6-D is blowin' my mind.

-Jab! -Oh, no.

This isn't 6-D. It's 7-D.

What the juice is 7-D?

It's the D that comes right after six.

Seven-D creates a tear in the fabric of space and time,

allowing fictional characters to enter our world.

And punch us!

You're telling me this thing's for real?

That look like special effects to you?

(screaming)

Make it stop punching my theater!

I would if I knew how.

Something must have happened to the projector.

(gasping)

Howard, the Puncher is real!

And I think McSquiddling the projector made it happen.

This is all our fault.

I don't care.

This is the greatest motion picture of all time.

Now stop talking.

I knew I should have gone to The Love That Never Loves!

-Upper-cut! Body-pound! -He's coming.

-Get me outta this thing! -I am so conflicted.

Our lives are in danger,

but this may be my only chance

to meet Brock Octane face-to-fist.

Get me out!

Hello, I'm Hannibal McFist.

Due to a technical glitch,

the Puncher has come out of the movie

and is on a rampage. No need to panic.

(all screaming)

Howard! Get down.

No! We risked everything to see this

and I have to see how it ends.

It ends with you getting obliterated.

Unless the Ninja makes a cameo.

Checking rearview mirror. Glancing over shoulder.

Backing up.

Movie was halfway over. No refunds!

(gasping)

(laughing)

Howard!

I am taking you home right...

(screaming)

Hey! Thanks, Grave Puncher!

(Randy) Smokebomb!

I gotta admit, Puncher,

I'm kinda geekin' out right now.

Welcome to the party, Player 2.

Prepare to get punched!

(shouting)

Clouds, wind, chicken... Ninja Air Fist!

OK, that Air Fist shoulda worked.

Yippey-ki-yay, other puncher!

Ninja Roundhouse!

Mmm-hmm.

Sheesh.

Nothing's working.

Throw the Haymaker. Trust me.

I beat my best friend with that move all the time.

The juice you do. Ninja Haymaker!

-Now hit him with the... -I know!

I've only played the game a ka-trillion times.

Ninja Jab! Ninja Hammer Fist!

Ninja Upset Punch! Shovel Hook!

I don't get it! That combo should have

taken you straight to the bonus round.

"Deceit often comes at a price."

We caused the mess. We gotta pay the price.

I have to destroy the projector.

But that's the only 6-D version

of Grave Puncher: The Movie in existence!

It's the price we have to pay.

There can be only one puncher!

Ninja Tengu-Fire Ball!

No!

Hey!

That's for ruining the movie!

-(groaning) -(Viceroy) Ooh...

Seven-D. This is all your fault!

Oww! Best movie ever!

I can't wait to fork over my hard-earned cash

to see it again and again!

And again!

Seven-D. This was all my idea!

Get the theater ready.

We're trashin' it again tomorrow.

-But we can't... -Tomorrow!

Yes, sir.

Howard Weinerman, you are so dead!

I'm sorry, Heidi. We're not here right now.

We're at home sleep-farting in bed.

Hello? Hey, Mom.

Yeah, I know he's not.

They went to a midnight movie.

I didn't let them!

How is this my fault? That's not fair!

Well, Cunningham, another happy ending.

We can't let Heidi pay the price for our deceit.

Mrs. Weinerman, we snuck out.

Heidi had nothing to do with this.

This is Randy, by the way.

Oh. Thanks, Sandy.

It's Randy, I just said it.

Five, four, three, two...

...and ungrounded!

Stuck in my bedroom for a week.

That was the hardest time I've ever done.

-(birds chirping) -So what do you wanna do now?

Hmm, wanna play more Grave Puncher?

Allow me to answer that question

with a question.

Who's ready to punch and roll!

(theme music playing)