Original subtitles

♪ Go, Ninja! ♪

(Randy) I was chosen to protect my school

from the forces of evil.

I am the Ninja.

I am Randy Cunningham.

♪ Smoke bomb! ♪

How Bruce are these McKicks?

Only the Bruce-ist shoes ever!

McFist has made yet another product I literally cannot live without.

We would totally die.

I mean, we're McFist men from toes to teeth.

I've got McKicks, McTighties, McSkinnies,

-McHoodies... -McShorties, McTops.

I even got a mouthful of McFillings.

McFistios is my complete breakfast.

My ride of choice is a McCedes. (grunts)

McFist is so Bruce! He's the cheese!

His name should be Bruce McCheese.

He is my hero.

Today is the day I destroy the Ninja forever!

I presume you have a plan.

Of course we have a plan. (whispering) What's the plan?

-I've come up... -I've come up with...

What have I come up with?

We lure the Ninja into a custom made deadly trap

of my own devising.

Lure. Ninja. Trap. My own devising!

Fool! How do you expect to lure the Ninja into a trap?

Yeah, what are we going to use as bait?

-Fool. -(grumbling) Bait?

It'd have to be something important.

Something he has to save like... a kitten!

(moans) I was thinking a pillar of the community.

Someone beloved by all.

What? Like that monkey astronaut down at the zoo?

(howling)

-He's not so great! -I was referring to you.

Ooh, you really think I'm more beloved than Neil Apestrong?

Silence!

If you want your reward, you will destroy the Ninja!

This better work, Viceroy. I want my reward!

(Randy) Question: Can McFist do anything wrong?

Answer: No. That is why I'm his number one fan.

I thought you were the Ninja's number one fan?

Yeah, but I am the Ninja.

I can't be my own number one fan.

Ow! Building, that's a building.

I am splitting at the seams to present the new

-McFistory history pavilion. -(applause)

Oh, come on!

-A history pavilion? -Epic McFail.

This generous new addition to our school is a gift

from beloved Norrisville philanthropist, entrepreneurist,

and mustache enthusiast, Hannibal McFist!

-(cheering) -You're too kind.

This isn't about me, this is about the children!

(crickets chirping)

Also, snack bar's free till noon.

-(cheering) -And he's back!

Hi, I'm Brock Octane.

The teleprompter I'm reading says, "History.

It's all around us."

Like dinosaurs, the wheel, and those guys with hats.

Whoa!

This pavilion is filled with

interactive, animatronic displays of famous Norrisvillians.

That's right. History even happens here...

-History... -Is the cheese!

(all clamoring)

That's legendary Crushing Corp quarterback, Johnny Bueno!

- Go deep, for history. -So... lifelike.

And that's Norrisville's sweetheart, Monica Mo.

Ooh... (blows kiss)

-(whistling) -So lifelike.

Uh, who's the dude hugging the cat?

(scoffs) Are you for reals?

That's famous adventurer and author, Brawn Brickwall.

He was seriously hardcore.

(growling)

He just ate a habanero pepper.

That's two hundred thousand skullville units!

Behold the centerpiece of the McFistory pavilion,

the most important person, in Norrisville history...

-...the Ninja. -(all) Wow!

Oh, check it out! You are history.

Then why am I getting a D in it?

Yes... I sure do love the Ninja.

Why, if I were ever in mortal peril, I'd sure want the Ninja to save me.

(clears throat) I'd want the Ninja to save me.

I'd want the Ninja to save me!

(screams) I'm in mortal peril!

Less wedgie, Viceroy.

If it doesn't look real, the trap won't work.

-(chuckles) -(dings)

That robo-Ninja's got McFist!

It appears we are experiencing a robot uprising,

At this time I invite all students and faculty to...

-...run for your lives! -(all screaming)

Somebody get the Ninja! The real Ninja!

(screaming continues) What do I do?

What do I do? What do I do?

NinjaNomicon! I'll be behind that tree.

You can't go Nomicon behind a tree.

-What are you, an animal? -No, the NinjaNomicon.

The ancient book of Ninja wisdom. Heard of it?

(laughs) Oh! I thought that was Ninja code for "bathroom."

(grunts)

(shouting)

-(laughing) -(continues shouting)

What are those things?

"Beware the enemy who wears a hero's mask."

That robo-Ninja's no hero. Don't worry, I'm on it!

(shrill shout)

(grunts) I have to save McFist.

If the Ninja saves McFist,

think of all the free stuff you'll get!

Just remember I'm a size six.

Smoke bomb!

Don't worry, Mr. McFist, the real Ninja's here to save you.

Mr. McFist? Robo-Ninja? Anybody? Where'd they go?

That can't be good.

It worked, he's been duped!

-We pulled off a dupe! -Almost like it was planned.

Ow! (grunts)

What the juice?

Johnny Bueno?

(grunts)

All right, Bueno, let's do this.

-(shrieking) -Ninja swing!

Monica Mo? But you're Norrisville's sweetheart.

(all) Destroy the Ninja.

Let's make history.

Viceroy, here's how I see the next five minutes playing out.

Ninja destroyed, Sorcerer escaped,

me, rewarded with the superhuman ability of my choosing.

Congratulations, sir, I don't know how you did it.

Sometimes I amaze even myself.

What kind of power should I ask for?

How about the power to recognize sarcasm?

Uh... When would I ever use that?

(grunts)

-Oh... -(shrieking)

Ah!

Duck, duck, duck.

(grunting)

(shrieking)

Yah! Monica was hot, but that's ridiculous.

(grunts) Oh, come on, that was a great line!

Boom!

As the robots are currently mid-revolution,

your best chance of survival is to do the robot and talk like a robot.

(robotic voice) Bleep-bloop, pleased to meet you.

(horn honking)

-We're good, it's robot! -(all cheering)

On the one hand, the ability to fly would be cool.

Then again, teleportation has a nice ring to it.

I'm at the office, bam, I'm in the lab, bam,

now I'm at the mall, bam!

Sir, you better take a look at this.

(growling) Stupid Ninja destroyed everything!

I just have to do it myself! Get me the McSterminator!

This is the McSterminator? It looks like a bolo tie.

Put it on.

(growls) These things look ridiculous, I've never been able to pull them off.

Ooh! Now we're talking.

Hand over McFist, giant robot who...

I'm sorry, what historical Norrisvillian are you supposed to be?

I'm the guy who destroyed the Ninja.

Nobody's ever destroyed the...

(mumbling)

No... Okay... No, I see what you're doing.

(growling)

(grunts)

-Hannibal McFist! -(mumbling)

(gasps) It all makes sense.

The robots lured me here by kidnapping you,

then they forced you to fight me.

They did? I mean, they did!

-Why would they do that? -Uh... er...

(Randy) Beware the enemy who wears a hero's mask.

But you can't be the enemy, you're Hannibal McFist,

you manufacture awesome!

It's called McAwesome, actually, it comes out next month.

Give me your home address and I'll send you a case.

What better mask for an enemy

than that of the most beloved man in town!

That's right, Ninja. The most beloved man in town

-is about to blast you in the face! -This can't be.

It can be. Ninjadom!

You're going down, McFist. I'm telling everyone about you.

No one will believe you.

I'm Hannibal McFist, lovable gazillionaire.

I own this town!

Then I'll just have to stop you, right here, right now.

(screams)

Right now doesn't really work for me.

Let's reschedule. (screams indistinctly)

(grunting) Yah!

Did you save McFist? Is he okay?

(all murmuring)

(groans softly) Yes, McFist is safe.

-(all cheering) -Smoke bomb.

It appears the killer robots have been crushed!

Of course, this means we'll have to go back to teaching history

the old-fashioned way. Who feels like reading?

-(all groan) -(plays sad note)

(Howard) So Hannibal McFist is a bad guy?

Really bad. Like all the way bad.

My mind is blown, totally blown!

Quick question: I know he's your mortal enemy and all,

but we can still buy his super Bruce stuff, right?

-No, we can't. -(grumbles)

-What about the McAwesome? -The Ninja is boycotting it!

But Randy Cunningham will be first in line!

How could I not be? It's got "awesome" in the name.

Show yourself, McFist!

Just be quiet, he'll go away.

-No, I won't! -(Hannibal) Yes, he will.

(shouts indistinctly)

It is my duty as the Ninja to warn you that I am

currently in the zone, and have been for about a week.

(screeches)

Oh, you don't believe me? Let me tell you about Monday.

Ninja flashback.

Hiyah! Ninja eye-dios!

-(screams) -Ninja double kick!

-(moaning) -Yey!

-That was awesome! -Uh-huh.

-Ninja, you are in the zone. -The zone?

Ninja time chop!

(shouting)

Ch-ch-ch-chop!

It's nice knowing ya.

Well, what do you know, I am in the zone.

(shouts indistinctly) Yah! All right, you two...

...three spider things? Are you guys spider things?

Let me introduce you to the ba-boom zone.

Wednesday? Yeah, nothing really happened Wednesday.

Point is, me, zone! You don't want to do this.

(grunting) I guess we're doing this.

Yah!

Ninja tail stab! Thank you, thank you.

Told ya! Zone. Yah!

Once again you send an incompetent robot

to do a competent robot's job!

Give me a break, the Ninja is en fuego.

You've lost a robot every single day!

I didn't lose any on Wednesday.

That's because I took the entire company to Whoopee World.

-(screaming) -(laughing)

I'm gonna hurl.

Like your Whoopee Wednesdays, do you?

-Do I? -Well, if you ever want another one,

you'll build me the deadliest monster ever!

Huh.

-(funk music plays) -(Randy) Mm-hmm, okay. All right.

Feeling good, zone in. What's up, green hat?

Mm-hmm. Okay, two, three girls!

(grunts) Guess who's getting his Way-bot. Ha, ha.

Hey, look! It's that guy.

Hmm? That guy? I hate that guy! Get that guy!

And to you I say...

♪ Zone ♪

Huh? All right, Nomicon, you get two minutes,

then it's back to the zone.

Mmm.

(screaming)

"The only knowledge a Ninja can possess

is the knowledge that he possesses no knowledge."

Deep stuff, yeah, deep stuff.

Well, here's some Ninja knowledge I know I know.

When you're in the zone... winning's just plain easy.

(grunts)

(screeching)

-Still in the zone? -Still in the zone.

Good, I'm counting on you

to zone us through our Spanish presentation.

Howard, relax.

Everything is agua frijoles.

-(both sigh) -Okay. You know you just said

"everything is beans water," right?

Don't try to psych us out, Debbie Kang.

We're ready for this. We've even been studying with Miguel.

The guy who runs the burrito cart?

He said our Spanish speaking is chile verde.

- Chile verde, Debbie. -You guys are so stupid.

Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the taco this morning.

Guacamole, Cunningham, guacamole.

(speaking Spanish)

-(grunts) -Thank you, Debbie Kang,

for that informative report

on the very, very, very, very cute and deadly Mexican death bear.

De nada, Senora Jorge. (humming)

(Jorge) Senores Cunningham y Weinerman. Su turno.

Turno. It's just "turn" with an "o" at the end of it!

(humming)

Randy, why don't you salsa roja.

-Ladies and gentlemen... -And Debbie Kang.

-(grumbles) -Our report is on

Spanish explorer, Ponce de Leon.

(clears throat) And here I go.

Ponce de Leon, chimichanga flautas, tamale nacho supremo.

Ah, but Ponce de Leon is most famous for discovering

habanero quesadilla . Corn or flour tortilla.

Burrito grande for listening.

What was that?

-Uh, Spanish. -Mm-hmm.

-Ha! -(groans)

I'm giving you both an "F."

-(gasps) -You're giving us an "F"?

- Si. -Oh, a "C."

That's way better than an "F."

-No, I am giving you an "F." -An "F"!

- Si. -Are we getting a "C" or an "F"?

I just need to manage my parent's expectations.

-(bell rings) -An "F"? I did not see that coming.

Howard, don't panic. This is a small speed bump.

Remember, I'm still in the zone.

I'll just go back in there, ask Jorge for some extra credit,

and, boomo, F-o becomes a C-o.

-(Howard screams) -(roars)

Right after I take care of that.

No, no, no, priorities.

First, our grade, then snake-y, fly-y thingy.

Relax. They're super easy to beat.

I'll be back in, like, two seconds.

-(roaring) -(screaming)

Hey! Hork up the band geek.

Yeah, I said it.

Ninja horking ball!

-(moans) Whoa. Thanks, Ninja. -(roars)

Great idea, Viceroy.

The Ninja destroys your first robot,

so you go after him with the exact, same stupid robot?

(Viceroy) Oh, is that what I did?

(Randy) Stretch... Yah!

-And... the head's off. -Wait for it.

Back in the zone!

Mexican death bear? (grunts)

Ooh! Where'd you get a Mexican death bear on such short notice?

Now, over here, we have the Mexican death bear.

This creature is so deadly that if it ever escaped...

Uh... (clears throat)

Who wants to be the first here to try our new emergency exit?

Mmm. Looks like somebody in this room

owes somebody else in this room an apology.

(humming)

-Apologize to the man! -Sorry.

-(roaring) -(shouting)

Ninja doorknob!

Okay, I got a death bear situation going on here.

I could really use a little Nomicon sauce right about now.

Why... won't... you... open?

Oh, really? You're mad at me because I blew you off before.

Okay, fine. I'm sorry you couldn't handle me being in the zone.

I apologize. Now please help me!

-Aah! -Two seconds, huh?

Oh, did I keep you waiting? I'm so sorry.

I lost track of time fighting a death bear!

Is it really fighting when you're just getting your butt kicked!

It's too fast, it's too strong. I don't know how to beat it, okay?

Think, Howard. What do we know about Mexican death bears?

-Who do I look like, Debbie Kang? -(both) Debbie Kang!

-Why are we saying "Debbie Kang"? -She's like an expert on this thing.

Her whole report was in Spanish,

so she may have been giving a flan recipe.

Man, how good is flan? (screams)

-Howard, Debbie Kang! -(roaring)

Debbie Kang, I need your help.

Mmm... Hello?

Seriously? You're not gonna help me?

Okay, fine, I admit it.

Your Spanish is more Spanish than my Spanish.

Like all the way Spanish.

Mmm. Now will you turn around and help?

(groans)

Oh, hey, Howard. Did you say something?

Uh... Yeah.

The Ninja's down the hall fighting a Mexican death bear.

(squeals) A Mexican death bear?

So cute!

(laughs) All right. What's nerdball Kang rocking here.

"Hypno-Spanish"? Hmm...

(man speaking Spanish)

I am escorting Spanish into your brain.

(all screaming)

(grunts) Where the heck is Debbie Kang?

So cute! (squeals)

Whoa-ho-ho, slow your roll.

That is a very dangerous snake-bottom bear you're running at right now.

I just love them so much! (squeals)

Same here. Quick question.

-How do I kill it? -(shudders)

No, no, not so much "kill" as "make him stop hitting me."

Oh, that's easy. I did my whole Spanish report about Mexican death bears.

Wanna hear it? (speaks Spanish)

No, no, no. No Spanish, just the hitting. That's all.

(groans) Okay, that's easy.

Just rub his little tummy counter-clockwise.

That should put him right to sleep.

-Rub his tummy? -(growling)

-(squeaking) -(shouts)

(grunting)

Mmm... Oof.

Sleepy bear, who's a sleepy bear?

Does this feel nice? Debbie, any thoughts?

I'm rubbing counter-clockwise.

Ugh, your other counter-clockwise.

-Okay... Oh, all right. -("Rock-a-bye Baby" plays)

What do you know? Good call.

Uh... Okay, I'll admit

that did not go exactly as planned.

The important thing is

when we're at Whoopee World next Wednesday,

we're gonna look back at this and laugh.

(beeping)

Buy Whoopee World and ban the following people:

-Viceroy. -Mmm...

-No, that's it, just Viceroy. -Hmm.

That was cold.

-(man on recording speaking Spanish) -Hey, what happened to you?

-Howard! - Que pasa, Cunningham?

-What did you just say? - Le dije, "Que pasa, Cunningham?"

-You're in the Spanish zone. -Hmm. La zona Espanola.

(grunts) We have to get you to Senora Jorge now.

Si, ahora, vamos.

No, no, no, no. Don't waste the Spanish. Save it for the Senora.

(guitar music plays)

(sighs) A "Si." We did it.

Okay, Nomicon, I was kind of a jerk today.

I should've listened. You were right,

the only knowledge I poses is that I possess no knowledge.

And I'm not even sure about that.

Hmm?

So we cool? You'll keep teaching me stuff and stuff?

(groans)

(screaming)

Whoa! Dragon? Are you kidding me?

And birds?

(Randy) When he realizes he knows nothing,

the Ninja is ready to learn everything.

So Bruce!

(grunts) Nomicon! That's a Nomicon!

(theme music playing)