Original subtitles

♪ Go, Ninja! ♪

(Randy) I was chosen to protect my school

from the forces of evil.

I am the Ninja.

I am Randy Cunningham.

♪ Smoke bomb! ♪

(announcer) On All Hallow's Eve, prepare to be scared witless.

-(growling) -(farting)

(screaming)

(announcer) At the Whoopee World Halloween Fright-tacular!

One fright only.

So, Boo-ce.

-Do you get it? Boo-ce! -Got it the first time. Still stupid.

-(door closing) -Morning, class. Morning, Gerry.

Why are those lips talkin' instead of kissin'?

(class groaning)

With Halloween a week away, I thought we'd celebrate

by growing our very own Vitis Odor Mortis.

The Smell of Death Vines.

Hmm?

-(sniffing) -Smells like old man breath.

I was gonna go with meat farts.

Follow these directions exactly.

Or your plant will look like me.

Two cups of water per day.

One scoop of plant food every hour.

Alternate sunlight and shade... No, this is way too complicated.

-It's a plant. -I know.

Let's just put all the water and plant food in now.

Howard, we just outsmarted nature.

(Howard groaning)

There are no extra plants in here.

Oh, we're getting an "F." There's nothing worse than an "F!"

We get an "F" and there's no way our folks will let us go

to the Whoopee World Fright-tacular tonight.

I made this costume for nothing.

Speaking of costumes, I'm half a cow, right?

-And you're a guy who tries to kill me. -Uh-huh.

You were supposed to be the front half of a cow!

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, but Viceroy's got style.

So, class starts in five. How are you gonna fix this?

I can't fix this. I don't know how to raise the dead.

I'll bet your Ninja Know-It-All does.

Okay, the NinjaNomicon is an 800-year-old book

of ancient warrior wisdom, not a book of science shortcuts.

Four minutes.

You want to spend Halloween at the Fright-tacular, or grounded?

(muttering)

-Uh-huh. -(groaning)

"Forbidden knowledge of the Shadow Warrior.

Do not enter?"

Hmm.

Invisibility, no. Flying, no.

Telepathy, no. Ah, here it is.

The Ninja Art of Healing.

Yes!

Whoa. Really?

I got about three minutes here. Can I get, like, the quickie version?

All right, recite koan. Mm-hmm, that's easy.

Invert healing energy. I got it, etcetera and so forth,

and skipping to the end, life is restored. Got it!

(shouting)

-You got it? -Uh, yeah, kinda.

It was a lot of steps.

We... Correction, you, got like one minute.

Get crackin'!

Art of healing, laying hands. Mm-hmm, uh-huh.

Art of heal... (Randy shouting) My hands! I can't control them!

Nothing is safe! Nothing is safe!

-(groaning) -Ooh.

It'll be worth it when we're at Whoopee World, and...

-Oh, come on! -Ow!

(bell ringing)

(groaning)

Debbie and Flute Girl, "A."

Bash and Bucky, "A."

Boys, I'm afraid you get an...

(voice) Arr!

"R?" That's worse than an "F!"

Are you ready to die?

(all screaming)

Gerry. You're alive!

Is it possible that you might have, um, skipped a step?

-Doomsday is coming! -(farting)

I just made doomsday in my pants.

(Gerry laughing)

(all chattering)

(all screaming)

(Randy) Smoke bomb!

Ninja Rings!

Oh, you got me.

What the juice?

Just ribbin' ya'.

Ninja Bone Dodge, Ninja Bone Dodge, Ninja BD!

Ninja... Ow!

Ninja Slip, Ninja Slip.

(shouting) Oh, no. Stairs!

See you around.

Howard? Howard!

-Oh. -I need your help.

Where'd your husband take that young man whose name I do not know?

I wish I knew, Ninja. Mr. D has always had a secretive side.

Been that way since college.

Ah. College.

(Mrs. D) Gerry was first in his class at MSU:

Mad Scientist University.

Gerry was brilliant.

Spent every waking moment working on his thesis:

-the Doomsday Device. -Oh!

(Randy) I'm sorry. Doomsday Device?

Okay, so is that how he, you know, he has bones?

-Oh, no. That's actually a funny story. -Back to the Doomsday Device!

(Mrs. D) One night, MSU's number two student -betrayed him.

(Randy) Viceroy.

-He always had a jealous streak. -Ninja Lead!

Trick or treat!

Get a job!

Smiles, Hannibal.

We're projecting a positive image, don't ya' know?

Another Ninja? How original.

Uh, I mean, enjoy these McFizzles.

(all chattering)

(Howard) For a guy with no muscles, you're surprisingly strong.

Whoa. You will have a front row seat as I complete my greatest invention,

and take first in our class, Viceroy.

-Whoa, hang on. -Huh?

You think I'm Viceroy?

Ah, look at me, I'm not an adult.

You're not Viceroy!

So, can I get, like, a ride home, or...

I'm going to destroy your home.

-And your home's home. -Home's home?

I'm going to destroy the planet!

Stupid kids sitting in a pumpkin patch all night.

There's no such thing as the Great...

-Viceroy. -Ninja!

-Just need to talk. -(blowing whistle)

Gerry... Driscoll... is... alive!

Actually, sorta alive.

Really a mix of alive and not alive.

The point is, he's back and...

(both) He wants to finish his Doomsday Device.

Right, no, yeah. You got it, you said it.

And because of our history, only I can find him.

-Hello, Marlene. -Willem.

So, Doomsday Device. What's the deal there?

Proof of functioning Doomsday Device guarantees you valedictorian at MSU.

Summa cum lunatic.

But the only way to prove it's functioning is to destroy the world.

Ah, yes. The Driscoll Conundrum.

And you married that wacko?

I like dangerous men.

(Viceroy) Back up, back up.

There, under the gift shop.

-Wait here, Mrs. Driscoll. -But...

-It could be dangerous. -But I like that.

(laughing)

(Randy) Smoke bomb!

(Gerry) Hello, Ninja.

-Hey! -And real Viceroy.

Gerry. I see the diet worked.

So glad you're here, to witness my superior brain.

(laughing maniacally)

(machine) Earth will be destroyed in two minutes.

(grunts)

Not if I have anything to say about it.

Oh, boy. Not if Viceroy has anything to say about it.

Lot of science in here.

Ooh, and who is this stylish young fellow?

You even got the glasses right.

Viceroy!

(groaning)

I'm gonna need about 20 hours.

(machine) One minute, 42 seconds.

You got a minute 42.

How do you like me now, homie?

(laughs) I'm armed and dangerous!

(machine) 59 seconds.

-Why don't you just unplug it? -Because it's nuclear-powered.

Wearing a lab coat doesn't make you a scientist.

(both grunting)

Huh?

Ninja Table Spin Kick!

A-ha! I've got a bone to pick with you.

(giggling) Oh, Gerry.

Hi!

-(groans) -Heads up.

Ha! Good one.

(shouting)

Put me back, put me back!

How does the bowtie stay on? That makes no sense.

It's over, Gerry.

But I didn't blow up the world. How will I ever be valedictorian?

They named a valedictorian.

(alarm sounding)

And besides, if you blow up the world...

We won't be together anymore.

-Are you crazy? -Crazy for this bag of bones.

No! No.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Put me by the scanner.

(machine) Ten seconds.

Completing retina scan.

- ID match. -Deactivate.

But he doesn't have retinas.

-So, that happened. -Oh, Gerry.

Now that you're back, we're going to do so many wonderful things together.

Yup! Frying the Earth is small potatoes.

I'm just dying to get going on my Destroy the Universe machine.

And after I mash the whole Universe...

On second thought, maybe we're all better off

if we go back to how things were.

Destroy them all!

Hey, what are you do...

Howard.

(clearing throat)

(whirring)

I know Randy and I kinda blew it on the plant,

but seeing how your husband almost killed me,

maybe you can hook us up with an "A?"

-I'll give you a "C." -Same thing.

(groaning)

I'm sorry it had to be this way.

I know, he was too dangerous.

At least now he won't complain about taking me dancing.

Aw, but I've got two left feet.

(humming)

(giggling)

Oh! Gerry, don't get fresh.

Can you blame me, hot stuff?

(smooching)

That's scarier than anything we're gonna see

at the Fright-tacular.

Cunningham, we really learned an important Halloween lesson.

Yeah, not to take shortcuts. Especially when raising the dead.

Uh, no. McFist gives out awesome candy.

You know, you're lucky it only worked on Mr. D.

That lab's full of dead stuff.

Dissection frogs, dissection cats,

and a ton of weird junk in jars.

Welcome to the Whoopee World Fright-tacular.

By entering this house of horrors,

you agree that Whoopee World, a wholly-owned subsidiary

of McFist Industries, Inc. shall not be held liable

for terror-induced tremors, pants wetting,

or uncontrollable fear farts. Have a Fright-tatic night. (inhales)

Fear farts? What kind of shoobs does this guy take us for?

Seriously. If I'm gonna rip one, it's to get a laugh.

Speaking of. Cunningham, pull my finger.

-(farting) -Gross.

Hey, Theresa. Debbie Kang.

Looks like we're riding together.

I heard this ride is totally terrifying.

Hope you boys can handle it.

Please, Debbie Kang. We're guys. Guys don't get scared.

(evil laughter)

(all screaming)

That was not age-appropriate.

(whimpers) I'm still shaking.

I gotta be straight with you girls. I think I peed a little.

What about you, Randy?

-I was, um... -He wasn't scared.

Guys don't get scared, right, Randy?

Scared, yeah. I was not scared.

I mean, I was so not scared, I laughed through most of it.

-I was just laughing. -That's not true.

Wow. You are so hardcore.

-I am. I really am. -(Howard grumbling)

That's not true either.

Listen, I know this sounds stupid, but...

That ride was really freaky. Would you walk us home?

I would be delighted.

They don't call me Hardcore Cunningham for nothing.

They don't call you that.

-(evil laughter) -(shrieks)

Wait up!

-(McFist humming) -(ringing)

Oh, Hannibal, could you get that?

(groans) This is the last mooch we're feeding tonight, Marci.

Last one!

Hmm? (mutters)

Hello?

Candy!

Stop sneaking up on me!

We have a little situation.

-Yeah, how little? -Huge.

Remember when you combined the top secret weapons division

with the consumer candy division?

Yeah, of course I remember.

Costs down, revenues up. Best idea I ever had.

Except that it wasn't.

There's something you need to see.

Admit it, Cunningham. You were scared. You had to be.

You're the biggest scaredy-baby I know.

I'm not a scaredy-baby. If anyone's a scaredy-baby,

-it's gotta be you. -(Debbie screams)

I thought I saw something.

You're holding my hand.

I mean, yo, that's cool, baby.

Howard, you want to get in on this?

Have you all gone mad?

He's acting brave to try to impress you.

I would have done the same thing if I'd have thought of it.

-(howling) -(all gasping)

Uh, if Howard's not gonna hold that hand,

I'll take it.

Mm-hmm-hmm-hmm.

This is an act. And I'm gonna prove it.

Go for it.

Some of us are scaredy-babies, and some of us are me.

-(grumbling) -(Randy humming)

Candy!

Let me get this straight.

The sludge that was supposed to go to the McBoom-Boom Factory

went to the McYum-Yum Factory.

Mm-hmm.

Well, what happened to the sludge

that was supposed to go to the McYum-Yum Factory?

Ooh, not bad. I fail to see the problem.

The problem is McFizzles have been weaponized,

turning anyone who eats them into a candy-crazed, ultra-vicious,

unstoppable zombie!

(trilling)

(munching)

(growling)

Congratulations.

You've created a confection of mass destruction.

Proud of yourself for that one?

A little. (chuckling)

(Randy chuckling) I mean, who knows why I'm so brave?

Maybe I have an under-active fear gland, or extra-bravery chromosomes.

The important thing is, while you're with me, you're safe, baby.

-(grumbling and gasping) -(bird cawing)

You're right, Cunningham.

You're not scared of anything.

You're so brave.

I bet you could cut through this spooky cemetery.

Alone.

-I could. -Then do it.

Fine, I'm doing it.

-Good, go. -Good. I'm gone.

I am not missing my curfew for this. Let's get outta here.

Just admit it.

You're a great big scaredy-baby.

I'll tell the girls and you don't have to do this.

Please, I'm the Ninja. I fight monsters and robots all the time.

I'm not scared.

Then you won't mind if I hang onto the Ninja Mask

-until you're done? -Mind?

By all means.

-(humming) -(howling)

-(whimpering) -(owl hooting)

Yeah, don't worry, ladies. This won't take long.

He'll come screaming back any sec...

(gasping) Theresa?

Debbie Kang?

-Cunningham? -(shattering)

-(thunder cracking) -(whimpering)

-(rustling) -I'm not scared!

-Why are you screaming? -Why are you following me?

The girls ditched us and I was all alone, so I came in here.

Which I'm beginning to regret.

(girl screaming)

(stammering) Ghost! That's a honkin' ghost!

-(Debbie) Ow! -I did it!

I killed a ghost. Oh, man, I've never felt more alive.

I'm not a ghost!

Theresa! You scared the juice out of...

...Howard. Just Howard, and I'm very brave.

(zombie) Candy!

I don't know what happened.

We were walking home, eating candy, and well...

-That. -Candy!

(all growling) Candy!

Randy, what do we do?

Yeah, Randy.

-What do we do? -You guys get outta here.

-(whimpering) -Get moving, Fowler.

Zombies. Okay, I can handle this.

Or should I say the Ninja... ...Mask is with Howard.

-(shrieks) -Candy!

You know what I like about her? She's got the deets.

What up, N-ville? It's Heidi Hallo-Weinerman,

coming at you with some breaking deets.

Zombies are hot this year.

They're everywhere. Literally everywhere.

Everywhere you look there are zombies.

According to my calculations, the city will be overrun in 24 hours.

How to fix this? How to fix this.

I got nothing!

I do have a Doomsday Device in the hovercraft.

But that would mean wiping Norrisville from the face of the Earth. (snickering)

Seems a little drastic.

This zombie report is brought to you by McFizzles.

McFizzle to the max!

Mmm!

To the hovercraft!

(thunder cracking)

-(panting) -(Howard) No, no!

-Howard! -Candy!

(whimpering)

(Howard) It's horrible!

-Huh? Howard! -(Howard) No!

There was a hole in my bag. All my candy's gone.

Gone! (sobbing)

I'll give you half my McFizzles if you stop crying.

-(sniffing) Okay. -Howard, you have... something I need.

Forget it. I earned these McFizzles.

No, no, no. I mean my face... hat.

Theresa, what's that zombie thing you're doing?

Candy!

-Hey, no take-backs! -It can't be.

McFizzles are turning people into zombies?

Oh, boy, all right, okay.

Candy!

(both shouting)

Why are there two of them?

(whimpering)

Candy!

(screaming)

(all) Candy!

Cunningham, if this really is the end,

I want you to know that I know you're totally terrified right now.

-Come on, just admit it! -Really? We're still doing that?

-Just give me the mask. -(all) Candy!

Stick close, Howard.

You got it, Ninja.

Howard! You're eating McFizzles!

Oh, man, I forgot! Maybe I'll be fine.

I have a really strong stomach.

Candy!

(all) Candy!

(all) Candy!

Ninja Trippin' Balls!

(grunting)

Ninja Flip!

Ninja Stalling Wedge!

-(all growling) -That'll hold 'em.

Not gonna hold 'em. Come on.

Candy. I hear you. You're zombies.

Okay, Viceroy, we're in position. Activate the Doomsday Device!

(tone sounding)

(machine) 1-18, 1-17, 1-16, 1-15...

Mmm, feels like I forgot something.

Let me see, toothpaste, toothbrush, deodorant.

Uh, we got a countdown going on here.

I was in such a rush. Marci usually packs for me.

(shouts) Forgot Marci!

Turn it off! We gotta go back!

(machine) ...55, 54...

Zombie Block, Zombie Block, Zombie Block!

(grunting) No! Don't touch me! Don't touch me!

Howard, what have you done to you?

Candy!

(shouting)

-Candy! -Ninja Scarf!

Okay, just gotta stop a zombie plague.

One question: How?

(all) Candy!

(all growling)

They ate the candy and turned into zombies,

so to change them back, they have to un-eat the candy.

How do you uneat candy?

(vomiting sounds)

Aw, that's the worst.

Here goes nothing. Ninja Pukin' Poke!

(heaving)

(vomiting)

That's it, buddy. Let it out.

Get it all out.

Aw, schnasty!

This is a revoltingly positive turn of events.

A simultaneous cookie-tossing is returning the town to normal.

Great. Now we've got a live Doomsday Device,

and nothing to obliterate!

I know something we could blow up.

(chokes, burps)

Zombie burp.

Howard, that we're on the flip side

of a zombiepocalyse, I should tell you I was scared on that ride.

I just didn't want to, you know... In front of the, you know.

Aw, don't worry.

I'll admit it for you. Well, hello, ladies.

-Funny story. -(all gasping)

It's raining McFizzles.

You don't think anybody'd be stupid enough to eat them now.

-Right? -(munching)

Aw, Howard! Seriously!

Oh, I'm supposed to say no to free Mc...

Candy!

(shouting)

(theme music playing)