Original subtitles

(boy) For 800 years,

Norrisville High has been protected by a ninja.

No one knows that every four years,

a new warrior is chosen.

♪ Go, ninja! ♪

A freshman to fight the forces of evil.

I am the Ninja.

I am Randy Cunningham.

♪ Smoke bomb ♪

♪ What the hey Come on, you ♪

♪ What the juice He's a Bruce ♪

♪ Besta cheese Ninja freeze ♪

♪ Ninja rock Don't stop ♪

-♪ What the hey ♪ -♪ Come on, you ♪

♪ Do it, ninja What the juice ♪

♪ He's a hero Come on, fighter ♪

♪ Just a freshman and a ninja ♪

(Randy) Smoke bomb!

(Randy) The way to forget is to remember.

What the juice?

(grunting)

You were gonna draw a moustache on my face?

What? No!

I wanted to see how you look with sideburns.

And the word "garbanzo" on your forehead.

What were you doing in the Nomicon?

You think being the Ninja is all flipping and punching and kicking.

And it is, which is awesome.

But every so often, my ninja-ing takes me

to a wicked gross place I call the Shnasty Zone.

What?

Zippity bop mm-mm.

Shnasty!

(Randy) And there was a time I saw Principal Slimovitz after school.

Yee-haw! I'm a big baby cowboy.

(horse neighing)

Aw, shnasty!

(Randy) And you know Taco Tuesday in the cafeteria?

(splashing)

Shnasty!

(vomiting)

(laughing) Whoa!

Oh, thanks for nothing, Cunningham.

Now, I can't eat the tacos.

Nah, I'm still gonna eat the tacos.

So, I went in the Nomicon to see if there was some way

to unremember that stuff. Uh, like a mind-wipe.

I could totally use a mind-wipe.

You know that stupid Whoopee World commercial?

(upbeat electronic music)

(screaming)

I keep getting it stuck in my head.

Whenever I hear it, I can't think of anything else.

Hmm?

Don't you do it.

♪ Whoop, whoop, whoop Whoop, whoop, whoopee ♪

♪ Whoop, whoop, whoop Whoop, whoop, whoopee ♪

(groaning)

-♪ Whoop, whoop, whoopee ♪ -(shouting)

Turns out Becky's just a little bloated,

so it was all just a huge misunderstanding.

(cheering)

-Hey, Heidi. -(scoffs)

What the juice, Howard?

Kinda doing a live gossip report here.

Kinda got an emergency here. I need lunch money.

What about the money Mom gave you?

That was just brunch money.

Gossip report, huh? Weak, lame, snoozer.

Look, if you want real gossip,

I'll give you the real dish.

Please. The only dish you know

comes with sausage and extra cheese.

-(reaction) - (boy) Oh, man!

Real nice.

Well, stuff this in your gossip hole.

After school P. Slims likes to mosey around

in nothing but a ten gallon hat and training pants.

Nuh-uh!

Yee-haw! I'm a big baby cowboy.

(kids laughing)

After school is me time!

(Heidi) All right, that was pretty juicy.

-I'll give you a splart. -(squishing)

So, if you don't have anything else, buh-bye.

Sista, please, they don't call me Double Dip

just 'cause I like ice cream.

I always got another scoop.

-(groaning) -You know Taco Tuesday?

They oughta rename it Roadkill Tuesday.

Nuh-uh!

(bell ringing)

(indistinct chattering)

Awesome gossip, Howard!

Double Dip!

He saved us from eating chipmunk-changas.

Huh?

Ah! That's the slow clap.

You're getting the slow clap!

(chuckling)

We're getting the slow clap.

Couldn't have done it without your gossip.

Couldn't have done it without your big mouth.

Howard, my paid views are through the roof.

-I need more gossip, -(shouting)

and I need it in three, two...

(Heidi) It's the Deep Dish

with Howard "Double Dip" Weinerman. Whoo!

So, Howard, everyone's dying to know what other juicy gossip you got.

(breathless) Let's hear it.

Uh...

I don't know.

Don't embarrass me, Double Dip.

You must know one secret.

One thing nobody else knows.

One single thing someone's confided in you

that you're not supposed to tell anyone.

-(bell dings) -I know who the Ninja is!

-(gasping) -Wha...

-(exclaims) -(splurting)

You know who the Ninja is?

Yes. Yes, I do.

So, if you want the deep dish,

you'll have to tune in tomorrow.

Double Dip!

Need a mind-wipe, need a mind-wipe, need a mind-wipe, need a mind-wipe!

(Randy) "The way to forget...

is to remember."

Not a mind-wipe!

-(gasping) -(humming)

What were you gonna do this time?

Write "Ninja" on my forehead?

(nervous chuckle)

I panicked, but I know how to fix it.

I'll just string 'em along

until you figure out how to fix it.

Or I know, I could mind-wipe the entire town.

I like it, I like it.

Except there is no mind-wipe!

I don't like it.

(Howard) Cunningham, don't be so hard on yourself.

This isn't your fault.

I know it's not my fault. It's your fault.

It's your big mouth's fault.

Huh. Didn't hear any complaining during the slow clap.

All I'm saying is, if McFist saw the show,

he might come after you.

Oh, nobody's coming after me.

Mr. Weinerman, your limousine is here.

Listen, I gotta jet, my limo's here.

Call me later and tell me how you are gonna fix this.

-Howard, you don't have a limo. -(door closing)

It occurs to me I don't have a limo.

Ah!

McFist.

Hang in there, Double Dip. I'm coming for ya'.

(sighs)

Ah! Ah!

-(growling) -Ah!

I suppose you're wondering why we brought you here.

Uh, 'cause I said I know who the Ninja is?

Okay. But you must be wondering

how we're going to get you to tell us.

-By torturing me? -By torturing you!

-That's what he said. -I know that!

(exclaiming)

(laughing)

No, no! Okay, okay.

Ninja Scarf Save! (shouting)

Ninja Sprint!

No, no, no, no! Oh, no, no, no!

Ninja Stop, Ninja Stop, Ninja Stop!

No, no, no, no, no, no, eee.

Bring out the Chair of Torture.

The Rack! The Iron Maiden!

-Ah! -The Bed of Anguish.

And, uh... Uh, feels like I'm forgetting one.

-Um... -I'll get my Mindreader.

We can figure out what you're forgetting.

You have a Mindreader?

-Why didn't you tell me? -You never asked!

What am I supposed to be, a Mindreader?

(chuckling) You see what I did there?

(chuckling)

Bring in the Mindreader!

Don't get smashed, don't get smashed.

Now don't get smashed, now do not get smashed!

(shouting) Wait for it, wait for it.

Wait for it, now! Ah! Ah!

Scariest vent ever!

It's oil o'clock somewhere.

-Am I right? -(laughing)

Crack!

Uh. Whoops.

Get him.

(thinking) Okay, don't think about the Ninja.

Think about something else.

Think about, uh... baseball.

I don't know anything about baseball!

(exclaiming)

Sorry, fellas. Break time's over.

(shouting)

(Randy) Leftovers, popcorn.

Oh, here it is. Robo-ape.

-(humming) -(whirring)

(bell dings)

(laughing)

We're about to discover the Ninja's secret identity.

I can't wait to tell Mother.

That's it? That's the Mindreader?

Couldn't have made it any smaller?

I could have, but then you wouldn't have been able to see anything.

(repeating) Forget about the Ninja.

(Randy) Psst. Howard.

Oh, no, I'm hearing his voice.

No, Howard, up here.

Hey, I'm trying to forget...

Oh, Ninja. Took you long enough.

Well, it's good to see you too, buddy.

Right, sorry. You okay?

Now get me outta here!

(exclaiming)

I can't get through.

(shouts)

Down in front, you banana eating trashcans!

Ninja, I haven't sold you out.

I would never sell you out.

-Thanks, pal. -But, they have a Mindreader,

so there's a pretty good chance

-I'm gonna sell you out. -What?

You know what we could really use right about now?

A mind-wipe. Am I right?

There is no mind-wipe!

All the Nomicon said was the way to forget is to remember.

♪ Whoop, whoop, whoop Whoop, whoop, whoopee ♪

♪ Whoop, whoop, whoop Whoop, whoop, whoopee ♪

-♪ Whoop, whoop, whoop ♪ -Why would you do that?

Now that stupid song is all I can think about...

Ohhhh.

Show me the Ninja!

♪ Whoop, whoop, whoop Whoop, whoop, whoopee ♪

What is that, some sort of song?

It's the only thing on his mind.

The only thing? There's nothing else?

Bubkis, didley, zippo.

Shut it off, shut it off!

This chucklehead doesn't know who the Ninja is.

(McFist) Get him outta here!

Whoopee.

Listen, Cunningham.

I'm sorry my big mouth got us in so much trouble.

I take full responsibility.

Howard, we're cool.

But this is kinda your fault too, a little bit, right?

I mean, you know I can't keep a secret,

and it's not like I ever asked if you were the Ninja,

-you just told me, so... -Howard.

-You know what, we'll call it even. -Oh, here's the thing.

The whole school thinks you're revealing the Ninja's identity.

So, how are you gonna handle that, Double D?

Relax. I got this.

So, Howard, who's the Ninja?

The Ninja is...

♪ Whoop, whoop, whoop Whoop, whoop, whoopee ♪

♪ Whoop, whoop, whoop Whoop, whoop, whoopee ♪

Howard! I knew you didn't know! Ah!

♪ Whoop, whoop, whoop Whoop, whoop, whoopee ♪

♪ Whoop, whoop, whoop Whoop, whoop, whoopee ♪

♪ Whoop, whoop, whoop Whoop, whoop, whoopee ♪

♪ Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop ♪

(bell ringing)

Is it me, or is Coach Green completely insane?

Well, I think he's just trying to keep gym class interesting.

(laughing)

This baby has a light trigger.

Nope, he's totally insane.

-So. -(shrieking)

Who's ready to play hopscotch?

(cell phone ringing)

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay, cheers.

Apparently, your "fire marshal"

has some safety concerns, so hopscotch is off.

I know, I'm bummed too.

Guess I'll just have to go with my back-up plan.

Climbing a rope!

See, that is refreshingly rational.

But to ensure a spirited romp,

I've enlisted a few of your classmates

to assault you with balls as you ascend!

Aw, we just got greened!

Greened hard.

Mick! Now we got one less crushing ball!

(whistle)

Ready to give it a go... Stevens.

Ha! You're gonna eat it, Stevens.

According to his family physician,

young Stevens here has some sort of "medical condition"

that forbids him from climbing a rope.

(blowing the trumpet)

Well, then, Mr. Weinerman, you're first to shimmy the wipple.

-(Howard muttering) -(bird calling)

(grunts, inhales)

-(bell ringing) -Ooh!

Oh, man!

Outta time. (chuckles)

And I was just about to get my shimmy on.

Chin up, Weinerman.

You'll be first on the rope tomorrow.

Stupid wipple!

(groaning)

I do not want to climb that rope.

We're gonna crush you tomorrow!

Crush you like the thing that crushes...

other things!

(shouting) Yeah!

(shrieks)

(laughing)

Mick, bro. You're killin' me.

What would you say if I said you don't have to climb that rope?

I would say great! And then I might ask how.

I don't know. But I bet the answer lies within...

the Nomicon!

That's your math book.

I meant the Nomicon!

(Randy) Listen, Nomicon.

You and I both know Howard can't climb that rope.

We have to help him. Whatta ya' got?

(evil laughter)

"The best way to avoid an attack, is to avoid an attack?"

What the juice? Fine. You know what?

Forget it, Nomicon.

If you didn't want to help,

all you had to do was not suck me in here.

Okay, the floor is splitting.

(screaming)

(grunts)

(moaning)

So, you got it?

Book was a dead-end.

-And kinda jerky about it. -(growling)

(blowing the trumpet)

Ha-ha!

Stevens. Thinks he's so cool 'cause he's got that fancy doctor's note.

(sigh) Wish I had IBS.

Ah, that's it, Howard!

We need a doctor's note.

We need a golden doctor's note.

Cunningham. Everyone and their brother's

gone looking for that notepad.

It doesn't exist, it's a myth.

A fairytale seventh graders tell each other at sleepovers.

Right now it's our only hope.

We just have to find a way into...

the old gym.

This is a terrible plan. Just want you to know that.

No. No. No.

-Ah! -Greetings, normals.

If you seek the entrance to the old gym,

it lies not in this tin tomb.

(giggles) Ouch.

-Julian? -Weirdo.

I haunt this locker room every day,

yet the entrance eludes me.

And I even possess a map.

But I've never been able to decipher the riddle.

Solve it, and you can join me

on a quest into the deep, cavernous void.

I'm awesome at riddles.

"In this room, amid the sweat stink and such,

the entrance lies where no boy would ever touch."

Where's the one place in a boys' locker room

no one's ever touched?

-(zipping) -(flushing)

Soap dispenser!

What'd I tell you? It's a myth.

(shrieking)

(sniffs)

Mmm, now there's a scent

I haven't smelled in some time.

Someone's searching for the golden doctor's note, eh?

-(squeaking) -I don't know what I'm going to do!

I just found out.

(all shouting)

(grunting)

(all) Whoa!

(Julian) The old gym.

Just as I imagined. So dark, so creepy.

So marvelous!

You're a freak. You know that, right?

(giggles)

"Never stray from the course, follow the path across the horse."

Horse? Pommel horses!

Awesome at riddles me!

So, to get out of doing gym stuff, we gotta do gym stuff?

(grumbling)

(grumbling)

-(grunts) -Howard!

(screams)

-Are you okay? -Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

No, I'm not okay! I almost died!

(Julian) How I envy thee.

Death is so cool.

(giggles) Look!

I found an adorable instrument of torture.

Isn't it delightful?

(shrieking) My hat!

Hang on, Julian.

(screaming)

I don't wanna die! Death isn't cool!

I knew Lord Creepy was a fraud.

Ah!

(engine whining)

Come on, Howard. Pull, big fella.

What do you think I'm doing?

Any other must-see sights on our Tour de Terror, Julian?

(Randy) Julian?

Julian want a wittle snackie.

I think Julian's gone bye-bye.

This is getting a little too real.

I'll get the notes, you stay with Julian.

(grumbles)

-Hold me! -Yeah, I don't think so.

-Cunningham, wait up. -(moaning)

(sniffing)

Finally. Sheer terror.

Go, go, foul funk,

and destroy the notes.

Be gone!

(evil laughter)

(chuckling) There it is.

That must be where the golden doctor's notes are.

All we gotta do to get out of climbing Green's rope is...

climb a rope.

How's that for irony?

I'll just ninja out, grab the notepad, we'll get Julian and we bounce.

(grunting)

You all dressed? Good.

-'Cause, that! -Whoa.

Probably shouldn't have left Julian behind.

(grunting)

Boom. Stuck it!

Ah, sweet ninja, that hurt.

Hey, watch it.

Howard, you can climb a rope?

Of course I can climb a rope.

But we're down here risking our lives

because I thought you couldn't climb a rope.

Well, that's dumb. You should have asked me.

Why wouldn't I be able to climb a rope?

(gasping) It's because you think I'm...

No! No, no, no. No, it's not that.

You're perfect exactly the way you are.

Don't patronize me, Ninja. Go on, say it. Go ahead.

You have tiny hands, all right?

I knew it! And I prefer delicate.

Yo, that almost hit me.

"The best way to avoid an attack is to avoid an attack."

Ninja, avoid the attack.

(grunts)

Climb, climb, climb.

Stop yelling at me!

Jackpot.

(gurgling)

Yah!

I got the notes.

(screaming)

Whoa, boy.

And I broke the office.

(grunts)

No! No!

Hey! I climbed up a rope to get those.

-Stop him, Ninja. -Okay.

-Stop him! -I said okay!

Gotta de-stank him.

There must be something he holds dear.

The hat! Totally figured it out.

(shrieking)

One note left.

Don't mind if I do.

Ninja Hat Punch.

No, no, no!

My chaos. Where's the misery?

Where's the suffering?

(squeaking)

Mr. Wienerman. The wipple beckons.

(chuckles) I don't think so, Coach G.

Wait. There's something I need to tell you.

I know, you're sorry you almost got me killed

and completely insulted me by assuming I couldn't climb a rope.

Well, yeah, that. But also...

Shhh!

We're good.

All that matters is that I'm not going up that rope.

-About that. -Read it and weep, Green.

Ten percent off a Charlie Cluckers chicken bucket.

Is this a bribe?

What? Gimme that!

-♪ Charlie's ♪ -(chicken crowing)

What have you done?

Well, Julian shared his map,

and he really fell apart down there.

So, I figured since you can climb a rope...

Stop talking! We're not good anymore.

Don't worry. I have a new plan.

The best way to avoid an attack is to avoid an attack.

(all shouting)

Follow my lead!

Swing, guys, swing.

Climb, Howard, climb.

New strategy. Pound the nerds.

(Bash) Hit that little guy!

-(Randy) Run! -Huh.

Climbing ropes ain't so bad.

(giggles)

(groans) But I have the note!

(sad trombone)

(theme music playing)