Original subtitles

Charlie, come! You got a trial at Finch Farm!

I've got a '99 Saturn to limit groin pain.

More cushion for the pushin'.

Your mother put a phone call in to you, did she?

She said there weren't enough phones on her wing.

She's changed her name to Percy. It's after her favourite poet.

Percy Bysshe Shelley.

I'm going to die in this van, I tell you.

If I need to get a can opener and get you out of this place, I'll do it.

RAVI: I'm feeling quite confused.

Are you saying you might never come back?

Charlie!

Charlie!

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

HIGH PITCHED: Charlie!

That's it. Oh, No Name's pups need a name.

Aw! It's like an incubator in here.

Give us a cool-off with that flannel, V.

Eron, son, the scout's coming tomoz.

Stop dribbling over Fanny Annie's tootsies

and get out there dribbling that ball.

Got a court summons for not paying that pay day broker loan fee.

You'll have to speak to Craig.

He said he's got some Korean snow boots coming in. North or South?

North, obviously.

We've got a different fire safety inspector this year.

Could do with a bloody fire. Get some insurance money.

That's not a bad idea.

Good morning. Did John Pridder say to expect your annual fire check?

He certainly did. Firefighter Damon Peachey. By name and by nature.

Is that a dog? Aww, week-old pup.

I couldn't wash my hands, could I? Oh, yeah. Come on in.

There's a basin in the back there.

He's been a very long time in there.

Oh, sorry.

Don't I know you? You do look familiar.

You're not on upforit.org, are you? Oh.

You look older in your profile pic. Certainly am.

It's where I met Keeley nine months ago.

We just moved in with each other. Oh, that's romantic.

First baby is due next month. I've got a great-grandchild on the way.

Really? You don't look old enough.

Oh, you can talk, with your concave contours.

Not that I'm looking. I have been working on my core.

You just need to pull up through the back passage.

I'll try that later with a cup of tea. Right.

Well, let's get this place safety checked. When you're ready.

NAOMI: Charlie!

Charlie!

Charlie!

Stupid dog.

Charlie!

Thanks for that. I'm a bit germaphobic around dogs.

By the way, I'm sorry I couldn't take you up on the invite

for that three-way.

Oh.

Sorry. Don't worry about Tony. He's my ex. He's caravan-bound.

You don't mind, do you, Tony?

He's looking forward to doing some dating himself when he can get out.

Listen, Ravi, I'm sorry

if you're still angry about my misinterpretation

of your relationship with Dennis, and of course

I didn't mean blow in that sense, but please can you call me?

I let Charlie off the lead

by that double-trunked tree with the honey fungus

and he bolted off after a squirrel.

I've been calling him for 40 minutes and he won't come back.

Oh, and where is that online banking plastic pin thingy?

Because I need to access the account. So please call me.

Charlie? If you don't come back now, I am going home without you!

You need to stand your gas fire on a stone or metal slab

and remember to open the door or window whenever it's turned on.

That doesn't make any sense. I'm paying to heat the yard.

And I don't want a draft getting on these puppies.

Couldn't you just do up your cardigan?

Oh. The dogs. Right. Sorry. How do I do this, Nana Vee?

It says microwave for two minutes. You'll have to put it in a pan.

Any cars must be parked a minimum of 6 metres away from a mobile home.

Where's a pen so I can get all this down, Tony?

Just hold this pup for me, will you, love? Yeah, she needs to keep warm.

She's been rejected. Her mum's up the hozzy.

And sort out this spark guard. And this won't do.

If you must use candles, and we don't recommend it,

don't put it in a plastic bottle.

A ceramic saucer is best.

And remove all the rubbish from underneath the van.

OK. Got it. Thanks very much for that, love. Come on, baby.

Actually, that wasn't as bad as I thought.

It's lucky she didn't have a widdle on you.

Could I just wash my hands again? Just hands.

Have another shower.

I might join you.

Just joking.

SHE GASPS

NAOMI: Oh, Jasmine, can you call me?

I need you to go to Caldy Woods and look for Charlie.

I waited there for him for over an hour. He's not interested in me.

And frankly, a dog is very low on my list of priorities right now.

I've got to sort out three Polish mini piling contractors,

your father's midlife crisis and my subsiding basement.

Ah.

Dzien dobry, Radek. Dzien dobry. How's it all going?

Your husband have to pay me £8,000 today.

Well, actually, he's away, Radek.

He's enjoying the top ten bike rides of the world, only in a car.

I have to pay my men.

How do you say in Polish, "Thank you for your wonderful work.

"I will pay you tomorrow"?

Just slow up a bit. HE SPEAKS POLISH

Sorry. Hello? Hello? Yes.

HE SPEAKS POLISH

Yes. Thank you. I'm sorry. I'm waiting for my husband to call me.

I need to access our online bank savings account.

Your husband doesn't like you any more? It's a... No. Sorry. I just...

I do need to call my insurance company, so...

Claims.

Claims.

Yes.

Sorry, is that a person? Yes, good. Thank you. Um, yes, hello there.

I...

I've just entered my policy number. What?

So what was the point of doing that, then?

I'm switching the water off now. No, sorry. I'm going to need the loo.

Oh, no, sorry. This is actually quite urgent.

No, this isn't Mr Singh. No. I'm his estranged wife.

He's done the estranging, by the way.

PHONE RINGS

Jasmine, thank goodness. Yes. No, don't cry, sweetheart. Well...

Well, can't Eron go and look for him if you've got morning sickness?

Sorry. Yes. Hello. Yes, fire away. Uh... St Bridget's Infants.

Oh.

Fluffy? Jasmine, please calm down, sweetheart.

I'm sure Charlie will be back soon. Have you had anything to eat?

The water is turned off now. Oh, hell.

Can you at least tell me

when I can expect my alternative accommodation to come through?

You know, as of 30 seconds ago I have no human waste facilities.

What about a ginger biscuit? Yes, I'll hold!

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, Jasmine, darling, can you call me back?

There's someone at the door.

Thank you.

Hello, cutie.

Hello, Mrs Fazackerley. How's No Name?

PHONE RINGS Excuse me.

Hello? Yes, Mrs Singh. Excuse me, but I was here first.

Charlie's gone missing? Have you called the microchip database?

She's never worked hard enough on her recall.

We only call the police if we think that the dog's been stolen.

Oh. Don't worry about it, love. She's a very rude woman.

Now, I've brought in No Name's red blanket, just as a reminder of me.

Sorry, that's not allowed. But... Oh. Mrs Fazackerley.

She's recovering really well from surgery.

I'm afraid we did have to give her a full hysterectomy, though.

No more pups. No.

Hopefully, if the meds do the trick, you know,

you can take her home tomorrow.

What? And try her again feeding the babies?

Yeah. I think it might have been the pain in the abdomen

that caused her to push them away.

Or maybe she was taken away from her own mother too young

and she just doesn't know what to do.

Or she's just knackered.

I couldn't get out of bed for three years after our Barbara. Oh.

I brought the DNA for you here. The swab.

Now, I was thinking that the owner of the randy roamer who sired these

pups could pay half your vet bills. And...? And the other half?

I was wondering if we might not come to some kind of arrangement. Ah!

Bear with me. We could barter a bit of our expertise.

Your expertise? Could bring you a little bit of extra custom.

But first things first, please can I see my dog? Of course.

Come through.

Oh.

You've got the colour back in your cheeks,

haven't you, little No Name, hey?

Eron's missing you.

And Jasmine's missing you.

Tony's missing you.

Your mummy's missing you. And your babies are missing you.

SHE WHIMPERS

My good little girl.

Come in!

It's locked. Can you open up? I'm quite pushed for time here.

I brought your bits and bobs, Jasmine.

Why are you crying, love? Eron still can't find Charlie.

Sorry, Mrs Singh, I can't get up.

Me foreshortened sartorius is very tight this morning.

Jasmine, can you just get off the sofa and open the door, lovey?

Just leave them on the porch.

Look, Jasmine, you're pregnant, not crippled.

Apologies, Mr Fazackerley. I accept that was slightly disableist.

I wondered if Mrs Fazackerley might find these useful.

They're all good quality.

I don't want anything for them. Eron can bring them in.

Ah! No luck? I've been looking for hours. Nothing.

You know, if he's been knocked over, someone could have let him

in the back of a car, driven through the tunnel

and dumped him in a bin somewhere. Or thrown him off the pier end.

Please can you go back and look again? No, no, no.

Mrs Singh, I can't. I've got to go to school. I've got footy practice.

No, Jasmine adores that dog.

Give us a go with the screen, there, Rach. Yeah.

Mmm! That's looking good.

PHONE RINGS

Nana Vee - for all your doggy needs.

Yeah. Well, you can talk to me 'cause I'm her mother.

Why has she gone and done that?

Yeah, well, she always was an attention seeker.

Well, she wouldn't be in the clink,

would she, if she hadn't paraded around in a robbed Damon Daybreak

Class A 3270 petrol V8 Vortec engine

on a workhorse chassis like Dick Turpin.

I'll let her son know.

Yeah.

Who brought this in?

Oh, I'll just ask.

I need £8,000 by three o'clock.

I thought you said I could pay you by the end of the working day.

End of the day is three o'clock. Is it?

Ravi, it's me again.

Look, I need to transfer the money now so I can pay Radek.

I can't find the online banking plastic pin thingy.

Have you moved it out of the concertina file?

Can you please call me? Or I'll go home. Or he'll go home.

Radek, please.

I will underpin other house. No, you underpin this house. Radek!

Hey! This is nice, isn't it?

Oh, No Name will like that when she gets back home.

I'll pop it in her basket.

Oh, and Jas, thank your Mum for that, will you? Very nice of her.

This old one here hasn't worked.

Not since the mouse got itself trapped between the magnetron

and the stirrer.

I still say we could have stuck a bottlebrush around the side

and cleared the charred corpse from the doings.

Hey, Jas, you want to be careful with these tea lights.

That hunky fireman, he says they've got a metal base.

Heat up hotter than Rhydian.

I'm sorry, babe. No sign of Charlie. Nana Vee found his collar at the vet.

Eron, son.

I need to talk to you in the bedroom.

Now.

It was just a few cuts.

Mum's not going to die, is she, Nana?

No. No.

She's pulling the sympathy vote. A lot of the inmates do it.

Probably just trying to get out of basketweaving.

She needs her bottom spanked. Go and stop her doing it, Nana.

I can't, son. But you're her Mum.

Ravi, I don't care if you're up the top of the Jotunheimen or

the bottom of the Grand Teton, can you please call me?

I really, really need to access our number one house account.

Can you move that car at least 6m away, please? It's a fire hazard.

Did you find an online banking plastic pin

thingy in one of the boxes I gifted you this morning?

No, but someone found your dog's collar.

Yeah, well, a new dog can cause marital discord.

Little Jackie was the reason that Tony

and I broke up in the first place.

Well, Ravi and I are seriously considering conscious uncoupling.

Yeah, Tony and I did a bit of that when we were getting back together.

Oh, no, that was unconscious coupling, after a few bevvies.

It was definitely here. I remember that honey fungus.

Oh, I had that once. Very itchy. OK.

Right. Take off your top. I beg your pardon? Or your trousers.

Whichever stinks of you the most.

Well, what else am I supposed to wear?

All right, if you don't want to get your dog back.

Oh, for heaven's sake. He's not having this blouse. It's new.

Now...

..if your dog is still alive, we'll find him

nestled in there in the morning. Right. I'm off to give a lecture.

Well, how I supposed to get back? Well, you can always walk.

I need to get home before the contractors knock off.

Well, then, I'll drop you somewhere nice and convenient.

So here we have now, this is a Staffordshire bull terrier.

I've got one of these myself. Lovely, lovely breed.

Very good with small children.

And that could help you, Gemma, with your childcare problems.

They do have a tendency to experience a little eczema.

Isn't that right, Mrs Kusiak? It can be.

And any skin complaints for any breeds

can be treated here at this surgery.

Or at any other reputable veterinary practice.

OK. The Neapolitan mastiff. A big dog.

Now, this dog doesn't live long.

Might suit you, Maureen.

Yeah, and she's buying a puppy and you bought a new coat, love.

Yeah, you are obviously a glass half full kind of girl, aren't you? Yes.

I want you all to think about this. Picture it.

When you get your puppy,

you are everything to that dog for a lifetime.

And in that lifetime, any puppy inoculations you might need

can be undertaken here at this surgery.

Or obviously at any other reputable veterinary practice.

And...

Ah, sorry. No, that's Tony's verruca, that.

I just brought a picture of it down to show the vet.

He's caravan-bound, which proves that you don't just get them

from swimming pools.

PHONE RINGS

I was brought up in children's homes, so dogs are...

Mrs Fazackerley.

I'm sorry. You won't be able to take her home after all.

She's got a temperature of 42.

Hello. Um, can I pin this on your board?

He's been missing for over 24 hours now.

I'll just ask.

Hello. Hi.

Of all the emergency services,

I must say I do think you firefighters are jolly brave.

I mean, I wouldn't want to head into a burning building

surrounded by flames and caught in a sudden backdraft.

Mrs Kusiak, can I wash my hands? You know where everything is, Damon.

Charlie is still missing, Lilly. PHONE RINGS

Excuse me a minute. Can I...? Hello, Lilly Kusiak speaking.

Ah, Mrs Fazackerley's bitch.

Yes.

The father of the puppies is a golden retriever. Lovely.

I'll pop back later. Thank you. I'll pass that on.

Bye-bye.

Sorry. Did I waken you?

Not really.

I got a little in at the end. Yeah, I worry about mine.

She's not even born yet. Have you got a name? Shelley.

After Percy Bysshe, the poet? No, because we live near a beach.

What's wrong with her?

Women's troubles.

Right. Well, good luck with that.

These hands aren't going to wash themselves.

I can offer you a pound a month against the monies owed.

Well, that's all we have.

OK. OK, OK. I'll send them in again.

No change. I'll put the kettle on.

Tea, toast, butter and eggs, love?

Did Eron get off to his trial OK? Bit nervous.

Was I not a good mother, Tony? Not really, love.

But then you were only 17.

You've been a good nana, though.

Barbara gave me such a look when she was born. I thought...

.."We've got a ripe one here."

You weren't yourself for a couple of years.

But then you were still grieving for Jackie.

I loved that little dog.

You'll feel better once you've had something to eat.

Charlie!

I'm sorry!

There you go, love.

What's that smell?

Burning plastic?

Did you clean the microwave out before you put the eggs in? No.

Get out, Tony! But I'm caravan-bound!

Pull up your back passage and get out now!

Jasmine's having a lie down! Jas! Get out! We're on fire!

Oh, the puppies. Where are the puppies?

I think they're in No Name's basket. Oh, no! No!

Keep calm, keep calm. Just wait. Wait there. Tony, no!

You've only just got out of the van. You've been in there for 15 years.

Don't go back! Grandad's going to die! No! No, Tony! Hurry up!

What? Where's Grandad? He's in the van. Grandad! No! No. No.

THEY CRY

HE COUGHS

Tony, you stupid, brave bloody fool!

SHE MUMBLES

Sorry about the lack of facilities at Patterdale Gardens.

Where are we going to live now? I can't do any more, I'm afraid.

The house will be out of bounds from this afternoon.

They're rebuilding from the foundations up.

And you're moving into five-star accommodation, no doubt.

Well, my insurance settlement has come through, so yes, I am sorted.

Very happy for Jasmine to join me.

And the rest of us can go hang. Well, sadly resources are finite.

Rubbish. Money grows on trees.

£200, hey? Very nice.

Well, we paid 600 for him.

Next time, get yourself a nice cheap little rescue.

Oh, this is hopeless. He's been missing for over 48 hours.

Well, with a dog it's all about the nose.

Now, a dog will scent for its kith and kin.

Till its last breath.

Charlie!

Charlie! Charlie!

HE BARKS

He came back! He came back! Oh! Charlie! He likes me.

He actually likes me.

Charlie! Oh!

So, the DNA test on the puppies said golden retriever?

Yeah, which means that you owe me for the vet's bill for the wear

and tear on my dog's bits. And for the puppies' maintenance.

Well, it doesn't necessarily mean it's this golden retriever.

Well, if it looks like a duck and it barks like a duck, it is a duck.

PHONE RINGS

Mrs Kusiak.

That's great news.

No Name's out of the woods. What time can I pick her up?

Tony was a hero. No.

There is nothing heroic about a member of the public

going into a burning structure.

I mean, after all, what is more important,

a human being or a dog?

Anyway, it seems to have been caused by

an online banking plastic pin thingy

stuck under the microwave plate, which shorted the system

and now you've lost your home.

It's just tin and paper. Were you insured?

Policy lapsed because we missed a payment.

That's my daughter.

You know what, Tony? She looks...

She looks like a lovely little girl in this picture.

Where are you going to live?

Something will turn up.

CAR HORN HONKS

Hello! John Pridder has allocated me the pitch next to yours.

Is that a Damon Daybreak classic 3270 petrol V8 Vortec

engine on a workhorse chassis?

I've no idea.

We're sorted. This sleeps five.

It's got smart storage, a queen bed and two nightstands. All mod cons.

Could I just wash my hands? Yes. Climb aboard.

Right. I'm off to see a vet about a dog.

Right. Come on, No Name. This way.

Hello. Yeah, hi. Can I get a message please to Barbara...

Sorry, to Percy Bysshe Shelley.

Percy Bysshe Shelley, yeah.

Yeah, could you just say that... her mother says... No, um...

Sorry, could you say... could you just say we're both...

No, no. Just... Um, say...

Mum says get well soon.

Right.

Come on, little No Name.

Let's you and me give this mothering lark another go, hey?

He said every hopeful has to be outstanding at just one thing.

And he said you were outstanding at three. Well...

Anyone else for a cup of tea?

Mrs Singh? Um...have we got Earl Grey? No.

SHE LAUGHS

Good boy, Charlie.

Charlie, no.

Good boy.

HE BARKS