Original subtitles

That's a letter from the vet threatening cancellation.

Hello, Mr Denomer. Mr Denomer, our trustee, has awarded Eron

a sum of money for his football boots.

Future'Z North West financial report?

Oh, yes, I'm sure I'll be able to manage this for you.

Did yous two get any sleep or were you up all night

playing pickle-tickle? Nana!

Just cause we're staying in the same bed, it doesn't mean we're at it.

We want to wait. We want it to be special.

Oh, hi, hi. Can I see a vet, urgently?

Something wrong with this dog here. Oh, are you registered?

No, no, no. We just moved to the area, so...

What's the dog's name? No Name. She doesn't have a name?

No, that's her name. No Name.

If you just take a seat, you'll be called. Thanks very much.

We'll pop Tigger in the freezer and if you'd let us know

about the cremation. OK?

Mrs Johnson, come on. After you.

Is that the vet? Yes. Very nice.

Come on, Charlie. Charlie, come!

Oh, good morning. Yes, I've got an appointment to see Mrs Kusiak.

8.30. Naomi Singh.

Oh, Mrs Fazackerley! Hello. I thought you didn't use this vets?

Oh, erm, hi. Hello, Mrs Singh. No, well, erm...

The other one closed down.

Did you get my e-mails?

Oh, we're just changing broadband provider at the moment, so...

I left you four phone messages. I lost my phone.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, there it is.

Craig. Just get me what you've got. Thanks. Yeah, OK.

Are we all set for the Trustee's visit this afternoon?

Oh, yeah, we're all set. Eron won't let you down.

I just wanted to say, erm, don't say anything about the emotional

entanglement between our offspring in front of the Trustee.

Why's that? Well, just for, you know, erm...

Avoid any conflict of interest.

If you're suggesting there's anything to be ashamed of...

No, no, no! No, because love is not something to be ashamed of.

It's something to be proud about.

Well, if you want Eron to keep his football boots,

it all needs to be highly professional and above board,

if you get my meaning.

I do see, yeah. Something wrong with Charlie, is there?

No, no, no, he's absolutely fine.

I've just brought him in to be neutered.

You'll need another six months for that.

The big breeds, they need their balls. Don't you?

Oh, I think there are different schools of thought, aren't there?

Ah, good morning, Lilli. I've brought Charlie in for neutering.

Shall I just leave him with you?

No, we don't recommend that before eight months at the earliest,

especially with the big breeds. But...

Oh, sorry, I'm going to have to get this, I'm so sorry,

it's my husband's 50th, so, erm...

Danielle, are you all right to organise everyone to hide in

the shrubs? I'll bring Ravi through to the garden at eight o'clock.

Excuse me, this is an emergency.

Just to say, I'm picking up a whole lamb tomorrow.

I'm going to roast it with aromatic spices in flaming hay.

So it's, it's Moorish...

and more-ish! I've got to go.

Sorry, are you saying that you won't be able to perform this operation?

Because I've been having a lot of trouble with him recently.

He keeps just running off. You need to work on his recall.

No, he tried to run across this very busy road the other day.

Again, recall. No, also he's mounting other dogs.

I mean, mostly male, but he could get a bitch pregnant.

Couldn't he? Are both his testicles down?

Oh, just Pinky at this stage.

Expect Perky in another couple of weeks.

I still wouldn't recommend it. He's displaying signs of aggression.

Really? Yes, he ran past me this morning,

grabbed the hem of my nightie and ripped the lace. Vicious brute.

I understand if you want to take him elsewhere, but at this surgery,

we wouldn't neuter him for at least another eight weeks.

Oh, no, plea... Sorry.

It's a shame you've wasted your time, isn't it, on such a busy day?

Oh, no, no, no. I haven't wasted any time.

I... Ah, yes, this is what I had in mind.

Ahh, yeah, clicker training.

Well, you'll need to grow a third hand, but good luck with that.

No Name? Yeah, but I think we were meant to see the gentleman vet.

I thought it was an emergency. Oh, no, it is, yeah, yeah, yeah.

3.45 sharp, Mrs Fazackerley.

Well, she's sniffing. She's lying in her basket. She's asleep sometimes.

She's awake at others. She's gulping her food, drinking water.

That just sounds like a dog to me. Does it?

Well, there's something wrong and I can't put my finger on it.

She hasn't got a temperature and there's no obvious signs of illness.

I thought you said this was an emergency? Oh, no, it is.

I can feel it in my waters.

Well, if you like, I could run a full set of tests for you?

How much would that be? About £1,500.

I tell you what, er, I'll just keep an eye on her for a couple of days.

Yes, I can see you. Yes, hello, yes, I'm waving. Hello, come on in.

Oh, Naomi! It's so lovely to meet you.

Oh, well, look, I - or we - at Future'Z North West

are so thrilled to welcome you, Mr Denomer.

Oh, please! Call me Jepherson or Jep! Oh, Jep! Come on, hug!

I always like having a beautiful woman in my arms.

Oh, likewise. No, I don't. Sorry.

I'm so sorry I can only spend this afternoon with you,

but I need to be in Glasgow tomorrow.

Oh, bonny Glasgae. Och aye, the noo.

They're our best-performing office.

Are they? Yes, they are. Right. Ooh.

Look, I know you've already had this on e-mail,

but I always think it's very useful to have a hard copy.

Yes, it is. But first, a little wee-wee? Of course, yes.

Do you want to...?

Oh, you have a dog.

Aww, we're already suffering lawn burn from puppy urine, I'm afraid!

Would you mind if we took a tour of the local park? OK, that's fine.

What a lovely old soldier!

Oh! Did you want to go wee-wees yourself, first?

I'll just get my puppy.

This way, Charlie!

Then at 13.40, we shall be visiting Hoylake Church Hall

to visit a jazz ballet class.

We fund an enthusiastic young dancer, Jaden Colhorn.

His father is serving time in HMP Liverpool.

14.25, we'll meet Janet Treacher. She's a young diver.

Her mother's sadly serving a life sentence at HMP Bronzefield.

Double patricide. Oh, no, Charlie, drop it. Drop it!

So sorry, Jeph...pup...

Finally at 15.45 hundred hours, we'll attend a penalty shoot-out

demonstration by a very promising young footballer, Eron Fazackerley.

Sadly, with a history of misuse of spun...skunk.

He's now clean. He's from an itinerant criminal family.

But we have purchased him a pair of professional football boots.

Very good. Oh, did you have a chance to look online

at the Future'Z report I sent you? It took quite some doing.

Yes, I did, yes, I did.

I must tell you, it's not bad! But the financial section

is one of the best I've seen in a long, long time.

It's impressive. Oh, well, thank you.

Excuse me? Your dog's just wee-ed in my handbag!

Aww, no. I've come all the way from Caldy.

I could have gone to Zumba. Oh, I'm sorry there, Mrs Beggs.

Very rare occurrence this, but it's just that we've got

a football demonstration on this afternoon.

Well, I tell you what, I'll have another 34D balconette

whilst I'm here then. Oh, I'm sorry, love, I've got nothing left.

Two nursing bras and a pair of trunks.

Yeah, sorry about that.

It's not good enough, Craig. I was promised briefs, boxers,

tangas, pandas, brieffettes, balconettes, corsellettes

and basques, bustiers, peep holes, magic pants and teddies,

tummy-trimmers, waist-cinchers, low-rise shapers, plunges, bodies,

baby dolls and shorts, thongs, strapless, suspenders and g-strings.

Nan, I normally pay £5 a minute to listen to that kind of talk.

What am I meant to do with 15 Chinese fire pits?

Tim was talking about getting one of them barbecues for the summer.

Well, you're very welcome to take a look, Mrs Beggs.

Just don't give any money to him.

Eron, son, hurry up, they'll be here in a frog's whistle.

Come on, Jaz, crack on.

And do you sink it in the ground or do you just stand it?

No, just on your patio, cos it's concreted over.

Hey, Eron, let's have another look at them.

So how did you get on at the new vet?

Oh, not bad.

Let that other vet send the bills to the debt collectors.

We'll stick with Mrs Kuziak for now.

And what's wrong with this dog, Tony?

Ah, she looks same as normal to me.

She doesn't to me. She's all over the shop.

Hey, you don't think I've got cancer, do you?

You what? Well, dogs can smell things on a cellular level,

and she was sniffing my bust yesterday.

When did you last wash your bra? Cop a feel, Tony.

Start at the nipple, work outwards.

Can you feel anything?

Only the dormouse coming out of hibernation.

Tell him it's not even Christmas. This is serious.

Mortality bites.

Turn right here. Oh, yes, it's tragic, really...

Hygiene issues, and the housing conditions

only just met our criteria with this client, I'm afraid.

Oh, er, I would advise you to keep Tuggy away from her two dogs.

They're both bull breeds, I'm afraid. Hear that, Tuggy?

Wow, what a fantastic view. Isn't it wonderful?

Yes, they're very fortunate. In some ways. Yes.

Mr Trustee! Hello.

Mr Trustee!

Hello, Mrs Fazackerley.

Thank you so much for everything you've done for Eron!

Oh, you are most welcome.

I've been really looking forward to meeting you.

I'm sure you want to see the boots in action. Yes, I do.

And afterwards, Team Teas! That's perfect.

Mr Denomer is in rather a hurry. He's going to have to dash off.

He's got an important meeting in Scotland.

You want to make sure you don't look up those kilts.

That's unless he wants an eyeful!

Oh, who's this old boy? Oh, this is my old friend Tuggy.

Aww. How old's Tuggy? 14.

14? He's doing well, isn't he? Yes, he is.

Yeah, sweet. Right, shall we kick off? Yes.

Quite literally. Good.

You didn't tell me you were going to rope Jasmine

into this demonstration. This could be extremely compromising.

What's a penalty shoot-out without a goalie?

Are you ready, Mr Denomer?

Eron.

Screamer! Fabulous. Careful.

Fantastic, fantastic.

That was a blinder! Fantastic.

Look at that. Great kids.

Blinder!

Come on, lad. Rehydration.

Right, Mrs Fazackerley, we do need to head off, I'm afraid.

Oh, wait, we've got two balls left yet.

Oh. That's OK.

This is so satisfying to see, it really is.

Oh, I'm so pleased.

Golaccio!

Whoa! A screamer! Fantastic. Bravo.

Yes, well done. Right, Jeph, er, ep. Let's get you on the road.

Talented, or talented? Indeed. You must be very proud of him.

We're so proud of our Eron. And what about Team Teas?

I've got a packet of Kunzle's Showboats.

I've been holding them back. How do you fancy a couple of those?

That would be a real treat. And Tony could do with a bit of feedback

as well, yeah. You know, on all the financial work that he did

for Mrs Singh's trustees report, was it? Oh, yes.

I just asked Mr Fazackerley to do a little bit of preparatory clerking,

which was very useful. And we haven't been paid for that yet.

Really? Nope. No, that's all in the pipeline, so don't concern yourself.

OK. Here, boy. So, why don't we go meet the great man?

Thank you so much.

Hey, Jep. Just listen to this.

DOG GROANS

Would Tuggy like a sausage? Oh, why not? He has so few pleasures left.

Mrs Singh, can No Name have a sausage, please?

Yes. Of course.

Good girl. That's not normal, Tony.

She's just bolted her food.

I have to feed Tuggy by hand now.

How old did you say he was again? 14. He's an old fella!

Oh, he's not doing too badly.

You know, a lot of these crossbreeds don't make it beyond 12.

Well, I have to take him everywhere in the car now.

He can no longer tolerate the kennel.

You know, he used to fly internationally.

Oh, did he have his own flat-bed?

I was once upgraded on a flight to see my mother-in-law and...

He's a smasher. Yes, he is. You're going to miss him.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean nothing. Oh, that's all right.

You're right. I know it's going to rip my heart out of me.

I know that. It'll be difficult.

You never get over it, Jep. Never.

When you see the life ebb out of them like that.

I mean, I grew up in children's homes, so dogs are my life.

And your marvellous business. And we're thriving.

No, we're bloody not. Don't say that in front of the trustee.

We are drowning in debt. Would you like a makeover?

Well, I'm wearing my best top, so... I mean a mini-money-makeover.

Why not? The first thing you need to do is stop the red ink.

And how do we do that? What are you selling?

I help dogs. And their owners?

Depending.

Right. Do you think we should make a move?

What percentage of your income

do you spend on housing, transport, food, entertainment?

Do you know those numbers? What income? OK.

We need to increase your income,

so you have money left over to pay your debts and to save.

This will give you the ability

to focus on your short-term goals and your long-term goals.

We love a good goal, don't we, Nana?

Get away! get away! How about another Showboat, Mr Denomer?

They look delicious. Thank you.

Look at this behaviour here, Tony. Goals are important in life,

because you need something that you are aiming at. Sod off!

Mrs Singh, have you had a health check recently?

There's no reason you should be kicking the ball

in the opposite direction.

I've been telling her that for years. Right.

I think we should probably make a move. OK, your makeover is done.

Now let's move on to the books.

WHEELS SPIN

Have you got a bit of carpet we can put under the wheels?

Or a cardboard box?

Right! This'll get you sorted, Mr Denomer.

You'll be on the high road, or the low road,

before you can say Greyfriars Bobby. Shouldn't you tow it from the front?

Why doesn't Jaz drive? She only weighs about five stone wet through.

Good idea. No! She doesn't have a driving licence.

Do you? She'll be all right. It's an automatic, isn't it?

All you've got to do is put it into reverse.

Why don't Eron, Naomi and I push the front of the car to help you?

Oh, if only I had the right footwear. Positions, please.

Right! Ready! Steady! Go!

CRASHING

I said reverse! Not drive!

I told you my daughter couldn't drive, you stupid woman.

Jasmine's your daughter?

Oh, I'm so sorry. Does this compromise my position at Future'Z?

Don't worry, don't worry. It's just a car. It's just a car.

So the car should be repaired

and back from the garage within 48 hours.

That's totally fine. I'll pick it up on my way down south.

I'm so sorry. This sort of thing

does tend to happen at the Fazackerleys'.

You know, lack of resources means

that they're forced to live below a publicly agreed minimum standard.

And I want to thank you so much for agreeing to take care of my Tuggy.

Oh, no... I really appreciate it.

I'm going to miss you, old boy.

Yes. Be good while I'm away, OK? See you soon.

I'm sure he'll be fine. He probably wouldn't like the train.

By the way, overnight, you may want to put down something absorbent.

He needs something to catch the drips. Oh, well, don't we all?

Anyway, look, I think your train is probably pulling in,

so we'd better...

Right, No Name, I'm going to lie down

and you're going to sniff where the tumour is.

Oh, see a doctor if you're worried, V.

Sniff! Where is it? Oh! Hang on a minute, Tony.

Tony, I think I've got brain cancer!

Have I got a headache? How would I know?

She likes you, doesn't she, Jaz?

She wants to get in your lap.

PHONE RINGS

Nana V! For all your dogging needs!

Oh, hello, Mrs Singh, yeah.

Oh. hang on a moment.

Tony, can you fire up NHS Choices Symptom Checker?

I'm sorry to hear that. Right. Do yo have a rash? Does he have a rash?

No. Any abdominal pain?

Well, just press his belly. Does he squeal? No.

Any breathing difficulties? Is he gasping for air? No.

Any loss of balance?

Yeah, he does. Key it in, Tone.

"Go straight to A & E."

Right, I'll meet you at the vet's.

Oh, no.

Oh, that's terrible.

Poor Tuggy. Poor Mr Trustee.

Oh, no! No. No. No.

This is the whole lamb for my husband's surprise birthday party.

Tuggy's on the back seat.

So, as a result, I've had to cancel the whole thing, I'm afraid.

Tim can be such a fool.

Yes, I'm sorry to say that about your husband, Danielle,

but, you know, since he's found out, Ravi's had a complete wobble.

Says he doesn't want to celebrate his birthday at all.

No, he just wants an ordinary day, moping and Skype-ing his ride buddy.

Very annoying.

Yeah, I think basically he's having a midlife crisis, so...

Hiya, honey. Would we be seeing the gentleman vet today?

I'll just see. Thanks.

I heard. It's the fourth time that's happened this week.

Well, an absolute killjoy. Yes, OK.

Hello, ladies. Hello. Hi.

I believe you've requested Garrett Hughes today. Correct. Yeah. Yeah.

If you're happy to wait at least 45 minutes, then that's fine.

I do feel it's my duty to inform you,

and he won't mind me saying this,

that I did get a first at the Royal Veterinary College,

whereas he only got a 2:1.

Right, we'll see you.

Toffees beat Manchester City 2-1, on Saturday.

Come on, then, Tuggy. Good boy.

When I'm listening to his chest,

there's quite a lot of noise in there that shouldn't be there.

Basically, you've got two options.

Option one is that I can give him some symptomatic treatment

which will give him plenty of pain relief,

but it is only a short-term fix.

The other way is that we say, you know,

he's come a long way and, maybe, it's just kinder at this stage

to put him to sleep. Today.

Whatever's best for the dog.

No. I think we do need to give Mr Denomer a chance to say goodbye...

..don't you? Well, I will organise the meds.

Just keep an eye on him around the clock, OK?

Come on, Tuggy. Good boy.

Poor old thing.

That's it.

Thank you.

Oh, Mrs Kusiak, I couldn't ask you a quick favour, could I?

You couldn't do a routine breast examination

on my brizzlers, could you? I think that's something for your GP.

Oh, I phone every morning at eight o'clock,

but, by the time I get through, there's no appointments left.

I mean, you do do blocked livestock teats, don't you?

Are you serious? What's the difference?

It's very unusual. Why don't you wait back in my surgery?

I'll be through in a minute. Thanks.

Mrs Kusiak's... She's just had to take an emergency call.

She said there's something I can help you with.

Sorry, son, I was just a bit hot. So, you're all right?

Yeah. Yeah. Sorry about that.

Although...

..are you au fait with udders?

So, if you could just give me a call as soon as you can, Jeph?

Er, Jep. Bye-bye.

Yeah, still straight to voicemail.

Well, there's no signal in Scotland. If it's anything like North Wales.

See you there. Good boy, Tuggy.

JASMINE: I've taken these for Mr Denomer.

JASMINE YAWNS

Goodness, Jasmine, it's only half past nine.

Oh, go on, Jaz. Go on, honey, you get yourself an early night.

Look, Nana's right, babe.

You need rest.

Love you.

Go get some kip, yeah?

It's going to be a long night.

Do you mind if I have a look in...?

Help yourself.

Oh, that's Little Jackie, that is.

Oh, best dog ever.

That's Bullseye at Christmas. Now, he was a clever sod.

He went under the tree, took out his own present and unwrapped it.

It was a ball.

Jasmine always preferred the paper and the cardboard box.

Mm. And this is Comfort and Cowslip.

Now, I could never tell them apart.

It was only Tony who could tell them apart. Wasn't it, love?

TONY SNORES

Yes, Jasmine had all sorts of dolls.

I could never tell them apart. Used to play with them in the bath.

Ah. This, this is a lovely little teacup I had. Big Ted.

Oh, Jasmine had a Little Ted! Oh, Big Ted, Little Ted! Yes.

Lived till he was nearly 20, you know?

We don't appreciate them at the time, do we? Mm.

Excuse me.

Hey, my medium-sized dog.

I want to say thank you.

Thank you for being my dog.

Just want to say that, in case one day it's too late.

I grew up in children's homes, so dogs are my life.

Well, I know what you mean.

I was sent to boarding school.

Oh, that's a killer. Oh, Tone.

I'll just open a window.

I think he's gone.

Hello, Mr Denomer. Yes, I'm so...

Just a minute, please.

Hello, Mr Denomer.

It's Veneta Fazackerley here.

I'm sorry, but, Tuggy's...

Well, he's not so good.

'Oh, no. Really?' Yeah.

I just thought if there was anything you'd like to say,

now might be the moment. 'Put him on. Put him on, please.'

OK, so the next voice you hear will be Tuggy's, OK?

'Hi, Tuggy. Hi, old boy. Hello, it's me.'

SHE WHIMPERS PITIFULLY

'You not feeling well?'

SHE WHIMPERS AGAIN

'I'm here, boy. I'm here.'

'Thank you, Tuggy.

'Thank you for being my best friend.'

SHE WHIMPERS AGAIN 'I hear you, boy.'

SHE WHIMPERS LOUDER

'I hear you.

'I love you, boy, and I'm going to miss you so much.

'Now, you go chase some rabbits.'

He's smiling, Jep. And he's wagging his tail.

Control yourself, V. We can't afford to replace them.

MUG SMASHES

All right, Nana? Got your lingerie order here.

Ah, just pop it in the van for us, will you, love? Will do.

She seems a bit cheesed off.

Yeah. She was like this when Little Jackie passed.

JASMINE: Mum, what's for breakfast?

Surprisingly tasty, this. Mm, it melts in the mouth.

Do you want another one there, Tone? I wouldn't say no.

Welsh lamb never lets you down.

Your husband doesn't mind having a dead dog in his freezer

for the next few days? Oh, no, no, no. It's no problem.

Jasmine. Could I have a quick word?

Thanks, love.

Jasmine, I just wanted to say thank you.

Oh, Eron did the barbecue. Oh, no, no, no.

I just wanted to say thank you for being my best...

daughter.

You've only got one. And friend!

I feel a bit queasy.

Oh, Jasmine, for heaven's sake. What was wrong with that?

Hiya, Mrs Beggs.

Hello! Look, Tim, they've got the Chinese fire pit on the go.

Yeah, yeah.

Very good. Now, any more for any more?

Meat a bit too rich for Jaz, was it, Eron?

Tim's sorry he ballsed the party up.

Oh, no, no, no.

I mean, I think, sometimes, Ravi's his own worst enemy.

Are you OK?

Tony! I've not got cancer!

Mrs Singh, No Name knew at a cellular level! I'm sorry. You've lost me.

The dog smelt cell division. I'm going to be a great-granny!

Oh, congratulations. Who's expecting?

Yeah!