Original subtitles

You're very good with dogs.

Every dog on the Wirral comes to me in the end.

Charlie, lie down.

What is it, son? Not much of a catch, am I?

We were in love! Do you remember our chat

about alternatives to intercourse?

I've got an old cow from a do-gooding outfit

breathing down my neck.

We may well be in a position to offer financial assistance,

to gifted and talented children of parents who are in prison.

Wait, wait...

Problems with your dog?

I can help you with that.

Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop!

THUD

DOG WHINES

Jasmine!

Yeah, my grandson is a very talented footballer, yeah.

Yeah, well, there was an infringement

of the drug regulations at the other club but it was...

I see. Yeah, well, listen, I won't keep you cos

I bet you're all very busy getting ready for the relegation dogfight.

Good luck with that...not!

Well, that's a letter from the vet's threatening cancellation.

If Eron is not good enough for the Championship,

then I shall try a few Premiership clubs.

That's a thank-you letter from the lady with the epileptic malamute.

Ah, this dog's heartbroken, Tony.

She's not even barking at the postie now.

And that's a final demand from the water.

Well, lucky we've got our own supply then. Yeah.

Ooh, looks like Barbara's got herself back on privileges.

Well, don't you go opening it. It's addressed to Eron. I'm filtering.

If the prison can have a shufty, then surely her own mother can.

Oh, she's a bit out of date.

He's got something a bit fluffier to cosy up with now,

hasn't he, Super Maria? Yeah!

Cover up your best bits.

You don't want the dog mistaking them for butter.

Aw, look at the pair of yous.

You're like Ryan O'Neal and Ally McBeal. Who?

Only you won't die of cancer when you're 24, love...hopefully.

Ah-ho-ho-ho, thanks, Nana.

Hey, I need to get these on charge so I can flog them

at the class later on.

Erm, I'm really grateful you've given us a home, Mrs Fazackerly.

Aww! If you could have seen this lad when he was toddling round with

a full nappy with his mother sky-high on glue, poor scrap...

Look at him now.

Don't go soft on us, Nana. Did yous two get any sleep?

Or were you up all night playing pickle tickle? Nana!

And, Eron, I hope you're not just sorting yourself out.

When Grandad and I first went all the way

he buzzed my brillo till dawn! Look, Nana...

CREAKING AND CRASHING

DOG BARKS

Pull out the hook-up, Tony, the dog's getting electrocuted!

Good girl.

Aw!

Eron, elbows.

Have you got your stuff squashed into your old room yet, son?

Mmm, No Name pissed on the double mattress, Nana.

Well, we don't want the princess sleeping on the pee, do we?

We'll be fine in the single bed.

And don't worry about your nocturnals,

Grandad's only got partial hearing

and I'll just pop on my headphones, listen to a bit of Rhydian.

Oh, no, it's... Do you want a bit of HP with that, Jaz?

Have you got any ketchup? We've run out.

Get some more when Tony's DLA comes in on Thursday.

It's my mum. Right, stay where you are.

I'll handle this.

DOG BARKS

Stand still, Mrs Singh, do not excite the dog.

They don't lock their jaw unless they're in full-scale attack mode.

Look, look, come on, No Name. Good dog.

Right, if you've come to take Jaz away... Jasmine

..you can think again.

No, look, when teens exhibit red-flag behaviours, I'm the first

to understand that they are processing their emotions in the amygdala.

You what, doola?! Well, you know, at this stage of cerebral development,

they're making poor decisions.

Their frontal cortex is being restructured.

It's crucial that they eat enough salad,

fruit, all the right nutrients.

I'm going down the shops on Thursday.

I'm going to be buying eight anti-bloat yogurts for 69 pence.

Might I have a word with the young couple?

Come on, No Name. Good dog.

Wait.

He's not having his tubes snipped.

Yeah, you don't even castrate a dog until he's a fully-grown male.

No, no, no, no of course not, no.

So, you two can choose between erm...

..a male and a female condom, that's a sponge,

cervical cap or a diaphragm, withdrawal...

That doesn't work, does it, Tony? Not with a red-blooded male.

..erm, an IUD, an implant.

You've got ring, a patch, the pill.

Oh, I think this one might even accommodate you, Tone.

Can I take the dogs out, Nana V?

Jasmine, it's safer to have all the information

and then you can make informed choices.

You're a sex maniac!

Look, hang on, Jaz!

Listen, Eron's been watching dogs copulate since he was knee-high.

Would you like a biscuit?

Oh, yes, thank you. It's a shame they've headed off.

I'd rather have liked them to hear my, erm, my good news.

Oh, yeah, what's that?

Future'Z has awarded Eron a sum of money for his football boots.

Mr Denomer, our trustee,

was very impressed by the application I put in.

Ah, I'm made up, he deserves that!

How much? Well, now...

this is a bit confusing.

Our, erm, departmental financial assistant

has just left, unfortunately.

So, erm, I'm not sure what that figure there is.

Well, if you turn it round...there you go.

Right, that's the first tranche.

And, erm, that looks like a quarterly figure.

And then the organisation's put in an overhead of 12.5%.

He's very good at figures, Mrs Singh.

Yeah, he was part-qualified before he was beached by depression.

So, if you take it away you're left with...£147.38.

Good grief! There's a hitch, unfortunately.

Technically, the client - that's Eron's situation has changed.

Oh, yeah? Well, the voluntary sector is under a lot of

scrutiny, as I'm sure you're aware.

Indeed.

And you have a new member of the household

nullifying the original signed declaration.

Ah, so the lad's not going to get his boots, then?

Sadly not.

Well, is there nothing we can do?

Tragically, no.

Though Jasmine could always move back home.

Good boy, Charlie!

Good loose lead, good.

Go on, lad.

No, Charlie, leave it!

Leave! Charlie! Gerald!

Charlie!

DOG BARKS

Thank you so much, officer.

I'm terribly sorry he startled your cat, madam,

It's just youthful exuberance, isn't it, officer?

Local bylaws clearly state that you must not have a dog off a lead

and at large in a public thoroughfare.

Yes, I am very aware of that. That brute's not trained!

No, he is, actually. We school him pretty rigorously.

It's the third time, this week, he's tried to attack Gerald!

But he doesn't attend an accredited training class?

Oh, no, yeah, he does. It's Mrs Fazackerly's Dogging Needs.

Best in the area. How frequently does the dog attend?

Erm...we go weekly. Name and address, madam?

Is this really necessary, officer?

We are cracking down on casual

and irresponsible dog owners in the area.

Well, what about cat owners?

All right, it's Ms Naomi Singh and it's number 15 Patterdale Gardens.

And may I have your name, madam, as a witness?

It's Heaven Jones.

Is that Helen with two L's?

No, Heaven - where the angels live with Jesus.

Unusual name. I outgrew the last one.

Ms Singh, I'm obliged to issue you with a penalty notice...

Well, he pulled the lead out of my hand!

..in the form of an £80 on-the-spot fine.

What?! That's not enough of a punishment.

Will I have a criminal record?

Yes. Honestly...

Is that your wheelie bin, madam? Yes, they're due tomorrow.

Then I have to issue you with a further on-the-spot fine

for putting your rubbish out early.

COMPUTER CONVERSATION

Right, Charlie, in your bed, in your bed.

Make sure you do, yeah. OK.

In your bed, in your bed, in your bed.

Did Jasmine phone?

Hey, bro, check out the climb over the Togowotee Pass.

She'll be back, that woman's very grasping.

I've got a no-nose saddle to limit groin pain.

More cushion for the pushing!

LAUGHTER

Charlie, in your bed!

Check out the delivery options. No problem.

I think this dog is actually getting worse!

Do you want some sourdough, Ravi?

Sourdough? Yes, it's a breakfast item.

It's made from wild lactobacilli.

I think in your part of the world they call it lahooh or canjeelo.

In the Pennines?

Same time tomorrow, dude?

Cool, love you long time, bro.

Ravi, do you think your usual saddle is

causing your erectile dysfunction?

Still here.

SCRUNCHING

DOGS BARK

Hiya, Keiron, Chief Superintendent Hooper around?

He's just over there. Cheers! Nice work there, Dylan.

That's a belter of a bite circle, isn't it, Super?

Yeah, I'm very proud of my team. We've got a mixture today,

experienced and new dogs.

Just watching young Jacks there, he's learning how to bite and detain.

Oh, talking of which, you didn't find that dangly, blue earring in your bedding, did you?

Yeah, we did get into a bit of a mangle, didn't we?

You were dead set on doing number 26.

Yeah, well, Rita wasn't interested in "The Toboggan".

Well, 15 years of marriage can take a lot of getting over.

Oh, divorce can make you feel very alone.

My ex never moved out but Tony can be very silent of an evening.

Right, Canine Responsibility Awareness Community Day.

Mrs Fazackerly, let's talk CRAC.

Hello, white flag!

Sorry, did we get off on the wrong foot?

Oh, look, you have a lovely cat, I have a dog.

Can't we, as neighbours, be reasonable and just sort this out?

I'm not planning to stick around for long.

Oh, what a pity.

Are you part of the short-term emergency housing scheme?

Whatever, it's a shoebox!

Oh, well, yes, I work in the voluntary sector,

so, you know, I do understand.

Well, at least I'm free...at last.

Right, erm, is there any sign of your cat?

Oh, he's not mine.

Oh! You can't possess an animal. Well, you sort of can.

They're not bound by laws. Gerald can defecate where he wants to.

Well, that is true.

Mammals need freedom to pursue their goals, their visions...

Neighbourhood cats...

CAR ALARM BLARES

Oh, sorry! No, Charlie, Charlie.

Right, so, the dog owners...

at the end of the class I want them filling this bottleneck, OK?

Try flogging the light-up bras, would you?

Get rid of all this knocked-off stuff.

OK, canine responsibility, what does that mean to you?

Mrs Beggs?

Erm...is it picking up your dog poo?

I think we all agree you've got to pick up your dog poo.

What is canine responsibility to you, young man?

Keeping your dog on the lead.

Yeah, keeping your dog on the lead.

Part of being caninely responsible is about using your judgment.

OK, so you're taking your little puppy,

you're taking him out for a walk.

You come face to face with a man in spectacles.

Your puppy catches his own reflection,

terrified, he pulls, runs into the road, a car swerves to avoid him...

a horse coming from the opposite direction is

startled by the sound of squealing brakes.

He bolts, the rider is thrown into the path of an articulated lorry,

carrying flammable cargo,

which careers over a railway bridge, fireball explodes

and it lands on the 12.13 from Lime Street - you're liable.

Sorry, actually, can I just ask,

how do you stop your dog just chasing after cats?

I will take questions for the remedial dogs

at the end of the class.

OK, so what we're going to talk about today is what frightens

a little puppy.

A little puppy can be terrified when he can't see the owner's face.

Mrs Singh, I wonder if you could just pop up.

Erm, take the centre of the room. Please bring Charlie with you.

Come on, Charlie. Charlie, come. Charlie, come.

OK, now if you could just pop that on your head.

Now don't get jealous, everyone,

you'll all have a chance to do this later.

Now, Mrs Singh has her face covered,

and you can see that Charlie is terrified.

He's showing all the signs of fear.

That's cos he can't see the owner's face.

Thank you very much, Mrs Singh.

OK, now, canine responsibility - what does it mean, Mrs Singh?

Sorry, the dog's not working for them,

you're just giving them willy-nilly. Well, he'll bark otherwise.

It's not appropriate to give your dog a treat without him

working for it.

Ah-ha-ha! Here is Mr Canine Responsibility himself!

The man who put "super" into Chief Super, Chief Super Gerry Hooper!

Good evening. Now, this gentleman here...

he's presiding over a very important day coming up next week and I

hope we've got a lot of takers.

Who's coming to CRAC Day?

Hurry, hurry!

If the bizzies see this knocked-off gear Nana will be in trouble!

So, Gerry, this year after the best-dressed dog competition

and after the micro-chippers have done their worst,

I take the puppies on a Hazard Hike.

You've got my juices flowing!

TONY COUGHS

Oh, you remember my ex, don't you? All right, Tony?

Tell me more. I arrange a number of everyday hazards

and the owners coax the puppies through.

Well, a bit like a ghost train, only doggy style.

You're very generous with your time in this community, Veneta.

I've got a lot to give. Of course there would be a charge for that...

extra.

Ooh, sorry about this. We are celebrating Chinese New Year.

Can I get you a cup of tea or something stronger?

Oh, I could kill for a Tia Maria...but not in uniform.

You're very welcome to take it off.

Sorry, Tony.

Oh, don't worry about Tony, he'll be cheering you on.

As soon as he's lost a bit of weight,

he'll be out of this van himself.

Scratching the itch with Claudia Cardinale or whomever he fancies.

Ah, now here's my little smasher!

I prefer cats myself but she is a lovely little bitch.

Was it all your wife's fault?

Rita was high maintenance...

cruel, passionate,

spontaneous, wild...

I know the type. I'm like that, aren't I, Tony?

Among other things.

I don't know...she just made me feel alive.

Like I do?

I need to go, V.

Sorry, Gerry, do you mind?

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Have you and your ex done the divvy up, then?

Divorce can be very expensive for a man.

Oh, the solicitors are still slogging it out.

Are you on speaking terms?

No, last I heard she was way away.

You're hurting, Gerry.

You're a very intuitive woman, V...

I'm losing my mind!

Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh...

now, come on, come to Nana...that's it.

Now, you couldn't advance me a little float, could you?

Just for the items I need to purchase for my Hazard Hike.

URINE DRIBBLES AND TONY STRAINS

HEAVEN: Gerald! Gerald!

Have you fed the dog?

Charlie, Charlie!

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie!

HEAVEN IN THE DISTANCE: Gerald, Gerald!

Ravi!

Gerald, Gerald, where are you?

DOORBELL RINGS

Killer!

So, the dog came back through a gap in the fence

when your husband waved around some Stinking Bishop?

Yes, erm, Charlie has a penchant for British cheese.

And where is Mr Singh now?

He's out road testing a no-nose saddle.

Oh, I like this. Ah, been looking for that actually...can I?

I don't want other cat to suffer. Gerald's dead!

Oh, no, Charlie, shush!

Can I get you a drink of water?

Have you got any cough mixture? No, I don't think so...

It's a boss house this.

Ah, no. Thank you so much for dropping by, I won't keep you.

Mrs Singh, I don't think you

appreciate the gravity of the situation.

Jasmine! Don't try and hug me.

Nana V's just told me what you did.

I like to treat them like adults.

I'm only here because I don't want you to stop Eron getting his money.

I can't bend the rules, Jasmine, not even for you.

Would you like a cocoa, sweetheart?

We will have to search the area for a corpse.

Oh, Mrs Singh's committed homicide?

No, with respect, officer, I find it hard to believe that the

police are this concerned with finding a missing cat.

Oh, felicide. Yeah, my little No Name, my dog,

she knows all about that.

You look like a dog.

That's a compliment in my book.

Mrs Singh, you are suspected of

owning a dangerously out of control animal.

No, no, no, this is grossly unfair!

Mrs Singh, the court may issue a destruction order for Charlie.

Now, hang on a minute there, son. Are you a Virgo?

Are you nuts? And a £5,000 fine...

Ah, talking of which, can I now please have Eron's £147.38?

..or a nine-month prison sentence, Mrs Singh. Good day.

That is a trip hazard,

my toe is now stubbed.

I could claim.

I used to have a big fridge.

Come on, Eron, son, take the dogs for a walk. Get your mind off it.

But I love Jaz, Nana.

I know you do, son.

Come on now, go and fetch me grandad's chamois.

Come on, Tony, let's do your nethers.

Nether say nether...

Nether say die!

SHE CHUCKLES

# I nether, nether, nether want to

# Be in love with anyone but you

# You make me sing

# You make me sad

# You make me glad You make me mad for you

# You make me laugh You make me cry

# You make me live You make me die for you

# I love you, hate you love you, hate you

# But I'll want you till the world stops turning

# Whatever you do

# I'll nether, nether, nether want to be

# In love with anyone but you. #

THEY LAUGH

Ooh, you could cut your nails!

Good afternoon, madam, you wish to

make a complaint about one of my bylaw enforcement officers, I gather.

Yes, I'm afraid so.

Yeah, some of these lads are desperate for promotion.

I've told him,

"You'll never make traffic warden if you sweat the small stuff."

Mmm, well, yes, thank you so much, Chief Superintendent.

As long as we're singing off the same hymn sheet, Mrs Singh?

Oh, yes, in two part canto, crescendo poco a poco.

I'll certainly come along.

Well, CRAC Day will give yourself and Charlie a lot more confidence.

And I always say, "A happy dog is a law-abiding dog."

Don't you agree, Mrs Singh? Oh, please, call me Naomi.

Na-yo-mi. No, Naomi.

Thank you, Na-ho-mi.

Right, thanks so much. Safe journey... Bye-bye.

Na-ho-mi, Na-ho-mi, Ne-ho-mi...

Have a good day. Thanks for coming.

..never a truer word spoken.

Good afternoon and welcome to CRAC Day.

Canine Responsibility Annual Community Day.

Erm, hopefully we'll have a cracking day!

SHE LAUGHS

Yes, and don't forget, please, pick up after your dogs.

There are bags freely available.

I like to call these Chief Super Hooper's pooper scoopers...

So, we'll crack on then.

I will now hand you over to Nana V.

Gerry, is it still OK to use your police motor for the big finale?

Sure, yes.

Right, OK, can all the puppies that are registered for the Hazard Hike,

can you all please line up?

What I want you to do is to approach the Chief Superintendent one by one.

A lot of dogs do not like a man in uniform. Fortunately

for those of us that do there are a number of comprehensive websites.

Oh!

HOOVER SUCKS

Expect the unexpected, Mrs Beggs.

Now, over the next half hour you can expect a number of everyday perils.

Come on, Charlie.

Oh... Hello, Gerry!

Hello, Na-ho-mi. We do have a mature student joining us today.

He looks innocent enough, but I'm here to tell you that this

dog is currently under police caution.

Right, puppies... This way, Charlie.

..fasten your seat belts, we're in for a bumpy ride. Follow me!

DOGS BARK

This way, Charlie. That's a good boy.

Flashing lights, strobing lights and flare effects. Eyes wide.

Come on, Charlie. Come on now, Mrs Singh.

I have said to you before about not overdoing the treats.

Onto the next!

Shut...open...shut.

Building your dog's confidence - very important

while this vehicle backs up here with this loud noise.

Combination of spectacles and the shopping bag can be a really

frightening aspect for your dog.

I can actually hear his heartbeat.

Some quivering and shaking there, we'll have to work on it.

Go!

Don't be scared.

Good boy.

You've got a terrified-looking puppy there!

These are signs of fear here. Well done, well averted!

Tempting toxin test.

Get in close, get a whiff of it, get a whiff of it...and good boy.

Mrs Beggs now, come on.

Leave, leave, leave the chocolate liquorice.

Very good, very good, Mrs Beggs.

RADIO: Alpha tango 327, come in.

I've got a lock on the targets - ready your big gun.

Roger that. You already did!

Right, Mrs Singh.

SIREN WAILS

Leave it, that's it. Good boy. Well done! He's done well.

Target puppies at three o'clock, add the two to your blues.

POLICE SIREN WAILS

SHE SCREAMS

Cat killer!

Get off me, you dipsy maniac!

My cat's gone for good, I want justice!

Oi, you, break it up!

Oh, thank you, Mrs Fazackerly.

Oi!

Hey, police, stop!

Are you all right?

Oh, yes, thank you. Stop!

Rita! I'm Heaven now!

Where've you been, whatever your name is?

I did it online. I don't care if you did it on the moon,

I bloody love you!

You bastard, I bloody still love you and all.

Come here!

Another one bites the dust.

DOG VOMITS

Oh. Charlie's given you a little treat there, Mrs Singh.

Does that canine bodily waste belong to you?

Oh, for goodness' sake, this is undigested, regurgitated dog treats.

Regurgitated dog...

CAT MEOWS

..treats.

Gerald? Gerald!

Charlie!

Mrs Singh! Gerald.

Is this part of it?

Mrs Singh!

I'm fine.

It's epic, bro.

It's operated remotely by a Bowden cable, attached to a shifter

mounted on the down tube. DOORBELL RINGS

Who's that? If I can't stay with Eron, Eron is staying with me.

What? Hello, Jaz. Come on, Super Maria, come on, good girl.

Evening, Mrs Singh.

Do you want to give us a hand with these?

Which is Jasmine's bedroom, then?

No, this relationship is barely legal.

Should they really be sharing a bed?

Well, little bit of a blush downstairs,

very healthy for your best bits. Oh, you're both sex mad!

Look, just cos we're staying in the same bed,

it doesn't mean we're at it. We want to wait.

Well, that is very sensible, Jasmine.

We want it to be special. It's always special.

So, we're getting married!

SHE GASPS

HE GASPS

Woo-hoo!

This won't affect the grant, will it?