All language subtitles for Puppy.Love.S01E02_English

You're very good with dogs.

Every dog on the Wirral
comes to me in the end.

Charlie, lie down.

What is it, son?
Not much of a catch, am I?

We were in love!
Do you remember our chat

about alternatives to intercourse?

I've got an old cow from a
do-gooding outfit

breathing down my neck.

We may well be in a position
to offer financial assistance,

to gifted and talented children
of parents who are in prison.

Wait, wait...

Problems with your dog?

I can help you with that.

Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop!

THUD

DOG WHINES

Jasmine!

Yeah, my grandson is a very
talented footballer, yeah.

Yeah, well, there
was an infringement

of the drug regulations at
the other club but it was...

I see. Yeah, well, listen,
I won't keep you cos

I bet you're all very busy getting
ready for the relegation dogfight.

Good luck with that...not!

Well, that's a letter from the
vet's threatening cancellation.

If Eron is not good enough
for the Championship,

then I shall try a few
Premiership clubs.

That's a thank-you letter from the
lady with the epileptic malamute.

Ah, this dog's heartbroken, Tony.

She's not even barking
at the postie now.

And that's a final
demand from the water.

Well, lucky we've got our own supply
then. Yeah.

Ooh, looks like Barbara's got
herself back on privileges.

Well, don't you go opening it. It's
addressed to Eron. I'm filtering.

If the prison can have a shufty,
then surely her own mother can.

Oh, she's a bit out of date.

He's got something a bit
fluffier to cosy up with now,

hasn't he, Super Maria? Yeah!

Cover up your best bits.

You don't want the dog
mistaking them for butter.

Aw, look at the pair of yous.

You're like Ryan O'Neal
and Ally McBeal. Who?

Only you won't die of cancer when
you're 24, love...hopefully.

Ah-ho-ho-ho, thanks, Nana.

Hey, I need to get these on
charge so I can flog them

at the class later on.

Erm, I'm really grateful you've
given us a home, Mrs Fazackerly.

Aww! If you could have seen this lad
when he was toddling round with

a full nappy with his mother
sky-high on glue, poor scrap...

Look at him now.

Don't go soft on us, Nana.
Did yous two get any sleep?

Or were you up all night
playing pickle tickle? Nana!

And, Eron, I hope you're not
just sorting yourself out.

When Grandad and I
first went all the way

he buzzed my brillo till dawn!
Look, Nana...

CREAKING AND CRASHING

DOG BARKS

Pull out the hook-up, Tony,
the dog's getting electrocuted!

Good girl.

Aw!

Eron, elbows.

Have you got your stuff squashed
into your old room yet, son?

Mmm, No Name pissed on
the double mattress, Nana.

Well, we don't want the princess
sleeping on the pee, do we?

We'll be fine in the single bed.

And don't worry about
your nocturnals,

Grandad's only got partial hearing

and I'll just pop on my headphones,
listen to a bit of Rhydian.

Oh, no, it's... Do you want
a bit of HP with that, Jaz?

Have you got any ketchup?
We've run out.

Get some more when Tony's
DLA comes in on Thursday.

It's my mum. Right,
stay where you are.

I'll handle this.

DOG BARKS

Stand still, Mrs Singh,
do not excite the dog.

They don't lock their jaw unless
they're in full-scale attack mode.

Look, look, come on,
No Name. Good dog.

Right, if you've come to
take Jaz away... Jasmine

..you can think again.

No, look, when teens exhibit
red-flag behaviours, I'm the first

to understand that they are
processing their emotions in the
amygdala.

You what, doola?! Well, you know, at
this stage of cerebral development,

they're making poor decisions.

Their frontal cortex
is being restructured.

It's crucial that they
eat enough salad,

fruit, all the right nutrients.

I'm going down the
shops on Thursday.

I'm going to be buying eight
anti-bloat yogurts for 69 pence.

Might I have a word
with the young couple?

Come on, No Name. Good dog.

Wait.

He's not having his tubes snipped.

Yeah, you don't even castrate a
dog until he's a fully-grown male.

No, no, no, no of course not, no.

So, you two can choose
between erm...

..a male and a female
condom, that's a sponge,

cervical cap or a
diaphragm, withdrawal...

That doesn't work, does it, Tony?
Not with a red-blooded male.

..erm, an IUD, an implant.

You've got ring, a patch, the pill.

Oh, I think this one might
even accommodate you, Tone.

Can I take the dogs out, Nana V?

Jasmine, it's safer to
have all the information

and then you can make
informed choices.

You're a sex maniac!

Look, hang on, Jaz!

Listen, Eron's been watching dogs
copulate since he was knee-high.

Would you like a biscuit?

Oh, yes, thank you. It's a
shame they've headed off.

I'd rather have liked them to
hear my, erm, my good news.

Oh, yeah, what's that?

Future'Z has awarded Eron a sum
of money for his football boots.

Mr Denomer, our trustee,

was very impressed by
the application I put in.

Ah, I'm made up, he deserves that!

How much? Well, now...

this is a bit confusing.

Our, erm, departmental
financial assistant

has just left, unfortunately.

So, erm, I'm not sure what
that figure there is.

Well, if you turn it
round...there you go.

Right, that's the first tranche.

And, erm, that looks like
a quarterly figure.

And then the organisation's
put in an overhead of 12.5%.

He's very good at
figures, Mrs Singh.

Yeah, he was part-qualified before
he was beached by depression.

So, if you take it away
you're left with...£147.38.

Good grief! There's a
hitch, unfortunately.

Technically, the client - that's
Eron's situation has changed.

Oh, yeah? Well, the voluntary
sector is under a lot of

scrutiny, as I'm sure you're aware.

Indeed.

And you have a new member
of the household

nullifying the original
signed declaration.

Ah, so the lad's not going
to get his boots, then?

Sadly not.

Well, is there nothing we can do?

Tragically, no.

Though Jasmine could
always move back home.

Good boy, Charlie!

Good loose lead, good.

Go on, lad.

No, Charlie, leave it!

Leave! Charlie! Gerald!

Charlie!

DOG BARKS

Thank you so much, officer.

I'm terribly sorry he
startled your cat, madam,

It's just youthful exuberance,
isn't it, officer?

Local bylaws clearly state that
you must not have a dog off a lead

and at large in a
public thoroughfare.

Yes, I am very aware of that.
That brute's not trained!

No, he is, actually. We
school him pretty rigorously.

It's the third time, this week,
he's tried to attack Gerald!

But he doesn't attend an
accredited training class?

Oh, no, yeah, he does. It's
Mrs Fazackerly's Dogging Needs.

Best in the area. How frequently
does the dog attend?

Erm...we go weekly.
Name and address, madam?

Is this really necessary, officer?

We are cracking down on casual

and irresponsible dog
owners in the area.

Well, what about cat owners?

All right, it's Ms Naomi Singh and
it's number 15 Patterdale Gardens.

And may I have your name,
madam, as a witness?

It's Heaven Jones.

Is that Helen with two L's?

No, Heaven - where the
angels live with Jesus.

Unusual name.
I outgrew the last one.

Ms Singh, I'm obliged to issue
you with a penalty notice...

Well, he pulled the
lead out of my hand!

..in the form of an
£80 on-the-spot fine.

What?! That's not enough
of a punishment.

Will I have a criminal record?

Yes. Honestly...

Is that your wheelie bin, madam?
Yes, they're due tomorrow.

Then I have to issue you with
a further on-the-spot fine

for putting your rubbish out early.

COMPUTER CONVERSATION

Right, Charlie, in your
bed, in your bed.

Make sure you do, yeah. OK.

In your bed, in your
bed, in your bed.

Did Jasmine phone?

Hey, bro, check out the climb
over the Togowotee Pass.

She'll be back, that
woman's very grasping.

I've got a no-nose saddle
to limit groin pain.

More cushion for the pushing!

LAUGHTER

Charlie, in your bed!

Check out the delivery
options. No problem.

I think this dog is
actually getting worse!

Do you want some sourdough, Ravi?

Sourdough? Yes, it's
a breakfast item.

It's made from wild lactobacilli.

I think in your part of the world
they call it lahooh or canjeelo.

In the Pennines?

Same time tomorrow, dude?

Cool, love you long time, bro.

Ravi, do you think
your usual saddle is

causing your erectile dysfunction?

Still here.

SCRUNCHING

DOGS BARK

Hiya, Keiron, Chief Superintendent
Hooper around?

He's just over there. Cheers!
Nice work there, Dylan.

That's a belter of a bite
circle, isn't it, Super?

Yeah, I'm very proud of my team.
We've got a mixture today,

experienced and new dogs.

Just watching young Jacks there, he's
learning how to bite and detain.

Oh, talking of which,
you didn't find that dangly, blue
earring in your bedding, did you?

Yeah, we did get into a bit
of a mangle, didn't we?

You were dead set
on doing number 26.

Yeah, well, Rita wasn't interested
in "The Toboggan".

Well, 15 years of marriage can
take a lot of getting over.

Oh, divorce can make
you feel very alone.

My ex never moved out but Tony
can be very silent of an evening.

Right, Canine Responsibility
Awareness Community Day.

Mrs Fazackerly, let's talk CRAC.

Hello, white flag!

Sorry, did we get off
on the wrong foot?

Oh, look, you have a lovely
cat, I have a dog.

Can't we, as neighbours, be
reasonable and just sort this out?

I'm not planning to
stick around for long.

Oh, what a pity.

Are you part of the short-term
emergency housing scheme?

Whatever, it's a shoebox!

Oh, well, yes, I work
in the voluntary sector,

so, you know, I do understand.

Well, at least I'm free...at last.

Right, erm, is there
any sign of your cat?

Oh, he's not mine.

Oh! You can't possess an
animal. Well, you sort of can.

They're not bound by laws. Gerald
can defecate where he wants to.

Well, that is true.

Mammals need freedom to pursue
their goals, their visions...

Neighbourhood cats...

CAR ALARM BLARES

Oh, sorry! No, Charlie, Charlie.

Right, so, the dog owners...

at the end of the class I want
them filling this bottleneck, OK?

Try flogging the light-up bras,
would you?

Get rid of all this
knocked-off stuff.

OK, canine responsibility,
what does that mean to you?

Mrs Beggs?

Erm...is it picking up your dog poo?

I think we all agree you've
got to pick up your dog poo.

What is canine responsibility
to you, young man?

Keeping your dog on the lead.

Yeah, keeping your dog on the lead.

Part of being caninely responsible
is about using your judgment.

OK, so you're taking
your little puppy,

you're taking him out for a walk.

You come face to face
with a man in spectacles.

Your puppy catches
his own reflection,

terrified, he pulls, runs into the
road, a car swerves to avoid him...

a horse coming from the
opposite direction is

startled by the sound
of squealing brakes.

He bolts, the rider is thrown into
the path of an articulated lorry,

carrying flammable cargo,

which careers over a
railway bridge, fireball explodes

and it lands on the 12.13 from
Lime Street - you're liable.

Sorry, actually, can I just ask,

how do you stop your dog
just chasing after cats?

I will take questions
for the remedial dogs

at the end of the class.

OK, so what we're going to talk
about today is what frightens

a little puppy.

A little puppy can be terrified
when he can't see the owner's face.

Mrs Singh, I wonder if
you could just pop up.

Erm, take the centre of the room.
Please bring Charlie with you.

Come on, Charlie. Charlie, come.
Charlie, come.

OK, now if you could just
pop that on your head.

Now don't get jealous, everyone,

you'll all have a chance
to do this later.

Now, Mrs Singh has her face covered,

and you can see that
Charlie is terrified.

He's showing all the signs of fear.

That's cos he can't
see the owner's face.

Thank you very much, Mrs Singh.

OK, now, canine responsibility -
what does it mean, Mrs Singh?

Sorry, the dog's not
working for them,

you're just giving them willy-nilly.
Well, he'll bark otherwise.

It's not appropriate to give
your dog a treat without him

working for it.

Ah-ha-ha! Here is
Mr Canine Responsibility himself!

The man who put "super" into Chief
Super, Chief Super Gerry Hooper!

Good evening.
Now, this gentleman here...

he's presiding over a very important
day coming up next week and I

hope we've got a lot of takers.

Who's coming to CRAC Day?

Hurry, hurry!

If the bizzies see this knocked-off
gear Nana will be in trouble!

So, Gerry, this year after the
best-dressed dog competition

and after the micro-chippers
have done their worst,

I take the puppies
on a Hazard Hike.

You've got my juices flowing!

TONY COUGHS

Oh, you remember my ex, don't
you? All right, Tony?

Tell me more. I arrange a
number of everyday hazards

and the owners coax
the puppies through.

Well, a bit like a ghost
train, only doggy style.

You're very generous with your
time in this community, Veneta.

I've got a lot to give. Of course
there would be a charge for that...

extra.

Ooh, sorry about this. We are
celebrating Chinese New Year.

Can I get you a cup of tea
or something stronger?

Oh, I could kill for a
Tia Maria...but not in uniform.

You're very welcome to take it off.

Sorry, Tony.

Oh, don't worry about Tony,
he'll be cheering you on.

As soon as he's lost
a bit of weight,

he'll be out of this van himself.

Scratching the itch with Claudia
Cardinale or whomever he fancies.

Ah, now here's my little smasher!

I prefer cats myself but she
is a lovely little bitch.

Was it all your wife's fault?

Rita was high maintenance...

cruel, passionate,

spontaneous, wild...

I know the type. I'm like
that, aren't I, Tony?

Among other things.

I don't know...she just
made me feel alive.

Like I do?

I need to go, V.

Sorry, Gerry, do you mind?

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Have you and your ex
done the divvy up, then?

Divorce can be very
expensive for a man.

Oh, the solicitors are
still slogging it out.

Are you on speaking terms?

No, last I heard she was way away.

You're hurting, Gerry.

You're a very intuitive woman, V...

I'm losing my mind!

Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh...

now, come on, come
to Nana...that's it.

Now, you couldn't advance me
a little float, could you?

Just for the items I need to
purchase for my Hazard Hike.

URINE DRIBBLES AND TONY STRAINS

HEAVEN: Gerald! Gerald!

Have you fed the dog?

Charlie, Charlie!

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie!

HEAVEN IN THE DISTANCE:
Gerald, Gerald!

Ravi!

Gerald, Gerald, where are you?

DOORBELL RINGS

Killer!

So, the dog came back
through a gap in the fence

when your husband waved
around some Stinking Bishop?

Yes, erm, Charlie has a
penchant for British cheese.

And where is Mr Singh now?

He's out road testing
a no-nose saddle.

Oh, I like this. Ah, been looking
for that actually...can I?

I don't want other cat
to suffer. Gerald's dead!

Oh, no, Charlie, shush!

Can I get you a drink of water?

Have you got any cough mixture?
No, I don't think so...

It's a boss house this.

Ah, no. Thank you so much for
dropping by, I won't keep you.

Mrs Singh, I don't think you

appreciate the gravity
of the situation.

Jasmine! Don't try and hug me.

Nana V's just told me what you did.

I like to treat them like adults.

I'm only here because I don't want
you to stop Eron getting his money.

I can't bend the rules,
Jasmine, not even for you.

Would you like a cocoa, sweetheart?

We will have to search
the area for a corpse.

Oh, Mrs Singh's committed homicide?

No, with respect, officer, I find
it hard to believe that the

police are this concerned
with finding a missing cat.

Oh, felicide. Yeah, my
little No Name, my dog,

she knows all about that.

You look like a dog.

That's a compliment in my book.

Mrs Singh, you are suspected of

owning a dangerously
out of control animal.

No, no, no, this
is grossly unfair!

Mrs Singh, the court may issue
a destruction order for Charlie.

Now, hang on a minute there,
son. Are you a Virgo?

Are you nuts? And a £5,000 fine...

Ah, talking of which, can I now
please have Eron's £147.38?

..or a nine-month prison sentence,
Mrs Singh. Good day.

That is a trip hazard,

my toe is now stubbed.

I could claim.

I used to have a big fridge.

Come on, Eron, son, take the dogs
for a walk. Get your mind off it.

But I love Jaz, Nana.

I know you do, son.

Come on now, go and fetch
me grandad's chamois.

Come on, Tony, let's
do your nethers.

Nether say nether...

Nether say die!

SHE CHUCKLES

# I nether, nether, nether want to

# Be in love with anyone but you

# You make me sing

# You make me sad

# You make me glad
You make me mad for you

# You make me laugh
You make me cry

# You make me live
You make me die for you

# I love you, hate you
love you, hate you

# But I'll want you till
the world stops turning

# Whatever you do

# I'll nether, nether,
nether want to be

# In love with anyone but you. #

THEY LAUGH

Ooh, you could cut your nails!

Good afternoon, madam, you wish to

make a complaint about one of my
bylaw enforcement officers, I gather.

Yes, I'm afraid so.

Yeah, some of these lads are
desperate for promotion.

I've told him,

"You'll never make traffic warden
if you sweat the small stuff."

Mmm, well, yes, thank you
so much, Chief Superintendent.

As long as we're singing off the
same hymn sheet, Mrs Singh?

Oh, yes, in two part canto,
crescendo poco a poco.

I'll certainly come along.

Well, CRAC Day will give yourself
and Charlie a lot more confidence.

And I always say, "A happy
dog is a law-abiding dog."

Don't you agree, Mrs Singh?
Oh, please, call me Naomi.

Na-yo-mi. No, Naomi.

Thank you, Na-ho-mi.

Right, thanks so much.
Safe journey... Bye-bye.

Na-ho-mi, Na-ho-mi, Ne-ho-mi...

Have a good day. Thanks for coming.

..never a truer word spoken.

Good afternoon and
welcome to CRAC Day.

Canine Responsibility
Annual Community Day.

Erm, hopefully we'll
have a cracking day!

SHE LAUGHS

Yes, and don't forget, please,
pick up after your dogs.

There are bags freely available.

I like to call these Chief Super
Hooper's pooper scoopers...

So, we'll crack on then.

I will now hand you over to Nana V.

Gerry, is it still OK to use your
police motor for the big finale?

Sure, yes.

Right, OK, can all the puppies that
are registered for the Hazard Hike,

can you all please line up?

What I want you to do is to approach
the Chief Superintendent one by one.

A lot of dogs do not like a
man in uniform. Fortunately

for those of us that do there are a
number of comprehensive websites.

Oh!

HOOVER SUCKS

Expect the unexpected, Mrs Beggs.

Now, over the next half hour you can
expect a number of everyday perils.

Come on, Charlie.

Oh... Hello, Gerry!

Hello, Na-ho-mi. We do have a
mature student joining us today.

He looks innocent enough, but
I'm here to tell you that this

dog is currently
under police caution.

Right, puppies...
This way, Charlie.

..fasten your seat belts, we're
in for a bumpy ride. Follow me!

DOGS BARK

This way, Charlie.
That's a good boy.

Flashing lights, strobing lights
and flare effects. Eyes wide.

Come on, Charlie.
Come on now, Mrs Singh.

I have said to you before about
not overdoing the treats.

Onto the next!

Shut...open...shut.

Building your dog's
confidence - very important

while this vehicle backs up
here with this loud noise.

Combination of spectacles and
the shopping bag can be a really

frightening aspect for your dog.

I can actually hear his heartbeat.

Some quivering and shaking
there, we'll have to work on it.

Go!

Don't be scared.

Good boy.

You've got a terrified-looking
puppy there!

These are signs of fear here.
Well done, well averted!

Tempting toxin test.

Get in close, get a whiff of it,
get a whiff of it...and good boy.

Mrs Beggs now, come on.

Leave, leave, leave the
chocolate liquorice.

Very good, very good, Mrs Beggs.

RADIO: Alpha tango 327, come in.

I've got a lock on the targets -
ready your big gun.

Roger that. You already did!

Right, Mrs Singh.

SIREN WAILS

Leave it, that's it.
Good boy. Well done! He's done well.

Target puppies at three o'clock,
add the two to your blues.

POLICE SIREN WAILS

SHE SCREAMS

Cat killer!

Get off me, you dipsy maniac!

My cat's gone for good,
I want justice!

Oi, you, break it up!

Oh, thank you, Mrs Fazackerly.

Oi!

Hey, police, stop!

Are you all right?

Oh, yes, thank you. Stop!

Rita! I'm Heaven now!

Where've you been,
whatever your name is?

I did it online. I don't care
if you did it on the moon,

I bloody love you!

You bastard, I bloody
still love you and all.

Come here!

Another one bites the dust.

DOG VOMITS

Oh. Charlie's given you a little
treat there, Mrs Singh.

Does that canine bodily
waste belong to you?

Oh, for goodness' sake, this is
undigested, regurgitated dog treats.

Regurgitated dog...

CAT MEOWS

..treats.

Gerald? Gerald!

Charlie!

Mrs Singh! Gerald.

Is this part of it?

Mrs Singh!

I'm fine.

It's epic, bro.

It's operated remotely by a Bowden
cable, attached to a shifter

mounted on the down tube.
DOORBELL RINGS

Who's that? If I can't stay with
Eron, Eron is staying with me.

What? Hello, Jaz. Come on,
Super Maria, come on, good girl.

Evening, Mrs Singh.

Do you want to give
us a hand with these?

Which is Jasmine's bedroom, then?

No, this relationship
is barely legal.

Should they really be sharing a bed?

Well, little bit of
a blush downstairs,

very healthy for your best bits.
Oh, you're both sex mad!

Look, just cos we're
staying in the same bed,

it doesn't mean we're
at it. We want to wait.

Well, that is very
sensible, Jasmine.

We want it to be special.
It's always special.

So, we're getting married!

SHE GASPS

HE GASPS

Woo-hoo!

This won't affect
the grant, will it?