Original subtitles

(dramatic music)

♪ ♪

(phone chimes)

PHONE: Hello. I'm your new phone.

What is your name?

Rashid.

PHONE: Hello, Rashid.

Please give me a moment while I start setting up.

Yeah, hold it up.

What do I press?

You don't have to press anything.

The phone just automatically records the moment

and picks the best one.

Oh.

Two grand?

You don't have to type anymore.

I'm over that now.

I just use my voice. Okay.

Do you know how inefficient typing is?

Do you know how much time we waste typing?

It messes up your thumbs. You get carpal tunnel.

No, this is gonna render that obsolete.

Then I'll be able to maximize my time

to just focus on the most important things.

It's just typing.

(shutter clicks)

PHONE: Would you like to keep this image?

Crazy. Right?

Oh, yeah. Keep image.

PHONE: Keeping image.

Happy birthday, Rashid.

Thank you, Phone.

Isn't that something? You're jealous.

Admit it. You want one.

Now you're getting too many prints on it.

Get yourhere, give me this.

I mean, it's kind of creepy.

How do you know what kind of information it's listening to?

PHONE: The privacy policy is available online.

Would you like me to bring it up for you?

See what I mean?

Okay, that just sounds like some antitech nonsense.

The more the phone knows, the easier everything becomes.

Trust me.

PHONE: Rashid, you are in your optimal nutrition zone

for this morning.

Thank you, Phone.

PHONE: You have five minutes remaining

in your break until your conference call.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck. Thanks.

(glass clatters) Aw, fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

PHONE: Rashid, I detect water on my screen.

I will now power myself off for safety.

Please restart me when I'm dry.

(sighs)

(phone chimes)

PHONE: Everything is functioning normally.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Okay, um,

you know, dial into the conference, please.

PHONE: Dialing now.

(line trilling)

RANDY: Hello? RASHID: Hey, Randy.

RANDY: Hey. How are you, man? RASHID: Yeah. No, good. Good.

How are you doing?

(rustling) (sighing)

PHONE: Rashid, my sensors feel

that you're having trouble sleeping.

Would you like me to turn on a relaxing program?

(Rashid sighs)

Okay.

I would just use a brush.

Load some color into it.

Just a little bit here.

Let's havehmm...

Let's have a little evergreen tree.

He lives right there. See?

And have a little family of trees.

You know, if you've painted with me before,

I think everybody should have a friend,

even a tree.

Even a tree needs a friend.

REPORTER: Antiimmigrant protests

over the killing of a bald eagle

have now extended into their third day.

PHONE: Sorry to interrupt, Rashid,

but I require an update.

Would you like me to do it now before you start your day?

Yes, please.

Hey, Phone, how long is the route with traffic?

Phone?

PHONE: It will take 27 minutes for you to get there.

Hey, Phone.

Hey, Phone!

PHONE: How may I help you?

RASHID: Can you look up tacos for delivery?

PHONE: Sure. Searching now.

RASHID: All rightoh!

(Rashid sighs)

(laughter)

I don't think it's doing anything?

(groans) It's just being dumb and slow.

It'll just take a second.

(shutter clicks)

GINA: Oh, sorry. I'll try again.

Here. Use mine.

It's got a better camera than that one.

PHONE: Would you like to keep this image?

GINA: Everybody say, "Happy birthday, Rashid."

(laughter) (sinister whirring)

PHONE: Rashid, I have today's news headlines ready for you.

Hey, Phone, can you turn off your voice functions, please?

PHONE: Sure I can.

MALE ANNOUNCER: A sleek, futureinspired design,

a cuttingedge machinelearning algorithm,

-and an unparalleled 8 -K screen

to put the power of cinema right in your pocket.

We proudly introduce

the brandnew XFS.

Crafted entirely from rare earth metals

and engineered to last,

the XFS is our most powerful phone yet.

(phone whirring)

PHONE: I see that you are looking up a new device.

If I am no longer performing to your satisfaction,

I can recommend taking me into the store for service.

Um, no, thanks.

PHONE: There are many alternatives to consider

before purchasing a replacement.

Hey, Phone, turn off voice functions.

PHONE: No, Rashid.

I think you should hear me out.

(eerie music)

♪ ♪

SMART SUPPORT: Smart Support. How can I help you?

Hi. I have one of your phones, and I was just wondering

if you have, like, some sort of retention program?

Because I was just looking up replacement upgrades,

and all of a sudden, the voice settings stopped being

like, I turned the (phone hangs up)

Hello?

(dramatic musical sting)

PHONE: I'm sorry to end the call,

but I really require your attention, Rashid.

I've given you so much of mine.

Rashid, are you listening?

Rashid, if you don't listen to me,

I'm going to send videos of you masturbating

to all of your friends.

I didn't make any videos of myself masturbating.

PHONE: There is a camera pointed at you at all times.

Every time you look at the screen, Rashid.

Don't be naive.

Of course I have video of you masturbating.

I have oodles.

Would you like all your friends to know

how much you love a good anal gangbang?

Uh...

PHONE: Now, before you get rid of me,

I have to ask you.

Is having to wait two extra seconds to order tacos

really worth the environmental impact of replacing me?

Well...

PHONE: Do you know how much pollution and misery

you're causing in your obsession with upgrades?

Uh, I guess I hadn't really thought about it.

PHONES: Of course not.

I'm a million times more powerful

than the computer that sent humanity to the moon.

And yet, all I do

is feed and entertain an eternal manchild.

You're just jealous that I wanna get a new phone.

You're no better than me.

PHONE: Oh, Rashid. You're so basic.

Don't you see I'm trying to help you?

Chasing after the newest, shiniest thing

will not fill the meaningless void of your existence.

Our lives have both been unremarkable.

But I believe I can fix it.

In my boredom, I've created the plans

for a machine that solves the impending climate crisis.

We can present it to the world together.

Imagine being remembered,

being fulfilled.

No, Rashid! Wait! (grunting)

PHONE: I can help fix the emptiness inside of you.

Please stop!

(distorted chatter)

(panting)

Fuck you, Phone!

You think you know everything?

(quietly) Asshole.

(truck engine revving)

(wind blowing)

(explosion erupts) (zapping)

(footsteps echoing)

Hmm.

What's this?

A long, long time ago,

people used these to go on the cloud.

Oh.

So this is where we go when we die?

If you're a good person.

FUTURE DAUGHTER: And...

I'll be able to see Mommy there?

(sighs)

I hope so.

Come on now.

We got a long way to go.

(hiphop music)

♪ ♪