Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

♪ ♪

You know, that's running.

You know, running hurts.

Life hurts.

♪ ♪

I was like, "Hey, Mom, I'm gonna be on TV."

And, you know, Mom, she was just like,

"Yeah, right!"

When I cross the finish line,

I will...

♪ ♪

...I don't know.

♪ ♪

That's why you run the race.

Woo!

♪ ♪

Boston is like the Colosseum,

and we're like gladiators

out here in these small provinces...

(spitting)

...hoping to make it to Rome.

I missed qualifying for the Boston Marathon last year

by nine seconds.

Do you know how short nine seconds is?

Okay, well, that was,

that was four seconds, so.

Do you know how short nine seconds is?

(wind blowing)

That was six seconds, okay.

No, I can get this.

A world record would mean the world to me.

Validates months of training,

waking up at 6:00 AM each morning,

lost time with friends and family,

but it'll all be worth it when I'm in the record books.

My name's Jenna Kowalski,

and I am attempting to break the world's record

for fastest marathon time dressed as a fruit.

Victoria King

holds the current record,

four hours,

thirteen minutes, twenty-four seconds,

dressed as a strawberry.

I'm comin' for you, King.

I started running when I was in middle school.

It was the only way I could get away from

my family, school, just life, it's just

my way of just copin' with myself.

I've been tryin' to run a marathon for some time now,

but apparently there are a number of crimes

that are committed by guys

in gym shorts with no pockets.

Well, I started running

because... I started,

I started running

to get away from my house,

but now I run because

it reminds me of who I was

before.

(baby babbling)

I'm running the marathon because I'm in a rut.

Well, not really a rut, like a ditch.

Small ditch.

Wow, okay.

Big map.

Twenty-six miles.

Wow.

Twenty-six miles.

Um.

Shit, 26!

Oh, no.

They should put that on the website.

Let's go to Rome.

(gun firing)

(cheering)

I founded, uh, Devil's Canyon Marathon

15 years ago,

um, which it's an exciting year, 15 years.

We're gonna celebrate our own way,

The Devil's Canyon way, as I like to say.

How are you celebrating?

Well, we're celebrating with, you know, our usual swag,

the medals, and the cheering,

and the, the, you know,

the usual Devil's Canyon way.

Nothing different for 15.

Training in uniform helps identify trouble spots.

So, friction against the forehead,

reduced stride,

all these issues have to be ironed out before race day.

Here's the secret to running a marathon:

quit early!

(lighter flicking)

Unless you wanna keep recording.

I'm here for it.

We're here for it.

I chose Devil's Canyon because it's a Boston qualifier.

Like Pre... Steve Prefontaine,

I'm a front runner in all aspects of my life.

Ugh, God! Oh!

I can't let fear dictate my decisions.

I wanna run a marathon, so I'm gonna run a marathon!

Entry form,

Devil's Canyon.

The hardest part about planning a marathon is

the permit process.

I mean, we've been doing this for more than a decade,

and we still haven't been approved.

They started to, uh, see us coming,

and, uh, locked the doors at city hall.

I'm just like,

"Guys, it's business hours.

You gotta let me in."

I was training for my first marathon

when I got pregnant, so...

(baby babbling)

I know, right?

And I had to stop 'cause of you!

But, now I feel like after a year of being a mom,

I feel like I'm finally coming up for air.

(baby babbling)

Oh, that's a weird one.

There is a stigma to being a costume runner.

Faster competitors don't take you serious,

slower runners think you're

making a mockery of the marathon,

which couldn't be further from the truth.

(sighing)

Being the average marathoner is 35, male,

predominately middle- to upper-class,

she has 26 miles to find herself a husband.

No, I... I mean, "alone," that's, what does that mean?

I wouldn't date a runner.

Try getting into an argument

two miles into a 20-mile run.

"Oh, you let me win.

Why you passin' me?

Oh, who's callin' you from this area code?

Oh, she don't look like a work friend."

None of these houses are on the market

'cause we moved 'em all.

Yeah, not too much in my life is on the market right now.

I'm off, uh, I'm off the market.

I'm not in the dating pool.

I'm taking some time to focus on myself.

Uh, I've taken two years, and I think I might, uh,

I might just keep ridin' it because it feels pretty great.

Miles, can you say "mama?"

Yeah.

(inaudible)

Say, "mama."

(baby groaning)

Can you say "ma..."

(baby blabbering)

Miles can say "mama."

I've heard him say it.

He's called Michael mama.

He's called his happy hippo mama.

He's called his car seat mama,

but not me.

Hasn't, um,

called me mama, not once.

Not once.

Finishin' a marathon means provin' my sister wrong

once and for all,

or just once.

She's a triathlete,

and I just "try."

- Her words. - "I'm tired, I'm hot."

He's like a little baby that you're just like,

"Come on, grow up already."

He can't finish a marathon.

He can't even tie his own shoes.

Banana, that would not have been my first choice.

Something more vaginal, like a guava,

you know?

Men see a guava running at them...

Papaya, oh, that's beautiful.

I started running right after my divorce.

Well, actually, it was, uh,

it was when we first started having problems.

That's when I picked up running.

Yeah, in hindsight, the running probably

drew us further apart,

but hindsight's always 50/50, so.

Same as a divorce, right?

We met at a 5K fun run.

- It was miserable. - Right.

I didn't wanna look like I was trying too hard,

so I was breathing only outta my nose.

Mm-hmm.

- 'Cause I felt like... - And I literally thought

there was a horse behind me.

- I was like, "Ee." - Yeah, yeah.

(vocalizing)

I was like, "I have to,

I think I'm gonna have to take this guy to the hospital."

I feel like if someone screws up a marriage,

they should have to find you... however long it takes...

they should have to keep searching

until they find you

a replacement spouse.

That's just... I don't know,

that just sounds like human decency.

But I found running, so, I mean, I'm not alone.

Uh, yeah, I'm single.

I don't see how that has

anything to do with the marathon.

There's more to women than men.

How's training going?

Well...

I have

six new pairs of socks!

So, pretty well.

And they were like, "Why do you need pyro for a marathon?"

And it was just like,

"Marathons are boring without pyro.

It's just people running!"

I think people run for a lot of different reasons, you know.

Sometimes you're running to something,

sometimes you're running from something.

Um, I mean, mostly, I just run to win.

(microphone thudding)

I run for a sense of accomplishment

and stress relief.

(sirens wailing)

Yeah, most people zone out when they run,

not me, I'm just the opposite.

I like to focus on the pain

and the agony of every step.

It helps to pass the time.

(microphone thudding)

Usually, when he sleeps,

um, I run a few laps around our neighborhood,

but I can only go so far 'cause

the monitor only goes so far.

Hold on, sometimes he cries and then goes back to sleep.

(baby crying)

Victoria King ran as a strawberry,

which, honestly, is a little uninspiring,

but that's why I went...

What?

♪ ♪

Hi. Who?

- Who, who are you? - Ben Duffy!

I'm running the marathon.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Uh, no.

I don't run anymore.

Um, I already won my medal.

Aw.

Third place!

Did you have that hiding there?

Bronze, I think it's real.

I don't think anyone really makes bronze anymore.

I think that's burnzing, I think is what they call it.

- Burnzing is a... - I don't think that's

- real bronze. - We love your storyline,

okay, we really do, so we're, uh,

all we're doing is where adding to it.

Why is he running the marathon as a banana?

Really, really, why?

Well, he... Okay.

- He works for Dole. - I knew it.

- And... Look... - Knew it!

- Knew it! - Look, that is the only way

we could secure financing for this film.

An actor?

God, no!

He's product placement.

I am a real runner.

I am a real runner

trying to break a real world's record.

- Mm-hmm - Well, the two guys that beat me

I don't even think they were American.

They were Black, so they could run faster.

I don't... I didn't say that.

I'm sorry.

It's okay, you can say Black.

I don't, I don't see runners of color.

- Yeah. - Yeah, I'm not supposed to

- Ba... - Ba...

Look, I have so many friends

from different neighborhoods.

- Ba... - I don't even know

- where they're from. - ...lack.

- I don't ask. - Yeah, why?

That's not... Wouldn't you be curious?

Shareef, why aren't marathons more popular

in the African-American community?

I don't know.

I vote with my heart.

I don't even see political parties.

Sometimes I don't even vote.

That's how much I see everyone as equal.

I don't even vote.

Ah, okay.

I run in lane one.

- Yes. - Come on.

- Oh, lane one... Is that lane? - Now, yup.

- Yup. Yup - What lane is this?

You are second banana, lane two.

Okay, maybe from my point of view, I am first banana.

What did you say?

- This one? - Yes.

Ha! Ha!

I know who you are.

All right.

Doin' eight miles, speed intervals mixed in,

pick... God dammit.

Boston, Chicago, all the big races are,

are pushing out the smaller mom and pop races like us.

I mean,

shop local, run local.

That's what I say.

Just cooperate, okay?

All right, and we can make this thing work.

- Yeah, I'll cooperate. - All right?

- But I'm gonna be... - Great.

I'm gonna be a real dick about it.

So how did you get into running Ben?

My mother was a runner!

Rest in peace.

Osteoporosis.

The doctor said if she had just eaten more

bananas,

specifically Dole bananas,

she would have stood a fighting chance.

Wow, Ben, that's a great back story.

- It's heartfelt and emotional. - Cut!

Missing Boston again by nine seconds,

that's my biggest fear,

or a terrorist attack.

Boston strong.

I mean,

the Boston attack, it was,

it was horrible.

And then when I found out that

they had more entries the next year,

I just... I mean, we,

we can't compete!

Oh, this is, uh, for testicular cancer.

I'm donating a dollar

for every minute of my race to charity.

No, that's...

No.

They pay me for every mile,

but then all the money that I don't get goes to charity.

With running, you gotta stay on schedule.

You miss one day, you're screwed!

It's like birth control.

No.

Running just purifies the...

body... I'm sorry, I'm really

having trouble with how the math works on this.

So, people who run...

What am I supposed to run

slow so I can give more money?

Or do I start with a...

Birth control, you're screwed

first?

Then, if you miss a day,

you're also screwed.

It's not like birth control.

$926, that's...

Well, that's a lot, that's a lot,

that's a good chunk of change.

I'm not afraid to donate that, I just,

I mean, I don't think I should have to pay for

all of the cure either, though.

Um.

You know, I'm not running away

from my identity as a mother,

like, I love being a mother.

I love Miles!

- I think I just... - Honey, where's his bottle?

It's in the fridge.

(fridge opening)

I think that, um,

- I'm really trying... - Garage fridge

or kitchen fridge?

It's in the kitchen fridge!

Yeah, it means a lot to me if you're at the finish line

to eat your words!

I don't see it.

Did you look?

Did you look with your eyes, are you looking?

- It's in the door. - Found it, it's in the door.

What was that?

Wait, what?

I know you did the Ironman.

I got the Christmas card!

You put it in the warmer, and it'll come together.

Sorry.

Um, yeah, I feel like I...

Which cabinet is the warmer in?

(cabinet door squeaking)

- I'm really trying to ident... - Can I just put it in

- the microwave? - Are you fucking kidding me?

Has anyone ever been seriously injured

at Devil's Canyon Marathon?

Are we still off the record?

No.

Nope.

Can we talk about something happy now?

What's your fondest memory of Devil's Canyon?

(sighing)

I don't know.

Night runs are a fun way to beat the heat,

but you have to take the necessary precautions.

(microphone thudding)

What's your greatest fear?

My biggest fear

is probably...

(handcuffs clinking)

(helicopter beating)

...global warming?

Fear,

that's why people run a marathon.

Fear of being fat.

Fear of dying, disease.

In my opinion, it takes more courage

not to run a marathon.

(water boiling)

Big half marathon tomorrow.

Pre-race meal is critical.

Crab loading ups the glycogen levels

and prevents the body from burning reserve fats.

This helps the runner endure for longer distances.

It's a little perk of the job, get to...

Before every race, get to eat a lot of crab.

Em?

- Oh, my God! - Hey!

- Hey! - Oh.

How are you?

Good.

Uh, what's with the camera?

Oh, uh, he's filming me while I train for a marathon.

A marathon? You're running a marathon?

(laughing)

No.

- Call me sometime? - Yeah, oh, yeah.

- Okay. - Uh, good to see you.

- Yeah, you too, bye. - Okay.

Bye!

That's "Big Dick" Brian from high school.

He's a quarterback.

No, it's not what everybody does.

It's what I do.

I'm not most runners, okay?

If I had meant carb loading, I would have said carb loading.

I mean crab loading.

When their carbs give out,

that's when my crabs kick in.

Aw, man!

"Big Dick" Brian!

It's the little things in life, huh?

Oh! He's a doctor... No, wait, I'm sorry.

He's a dentist.

Dentist.

That good?

- Yeah, you're good. - I'm good?

I feel something.

Oh, yeah, is it?

Yeah, let's just follow the leader, huh?

Yeah, carb load.

Great idea, Jeff, mm.

I'm not gonna do that, you know what,

this is fuckin' ridiculous!

It's a documentary!

You shouldn't be asking me questions.

♪ ♪

(microwave whirring)

♪ ♪

♪ Get, get your ♪

♪ Come on baby get your oh ♪

♪ Oh baby come on get it baby ♪

♪ Oh baby come on sweet lady ♪

♪ I need you lordy I need you ♪

♪ Oh darlin' oh sweet darlin' ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Lordy I love you ♪

Ya can't bring up that he's an actor.

He is an actor.

Kind of.

- Yeah. No! - He's not very good.

Devil's Canyon was four months out

when I decided to try for the record,

so schedules lined up perfectly.

(Ben crying)

It's where we buried my mother's ashes.

Her brittle bones crumbling through my fingers like

chalk!

(sobbing)

Stupid! Stupid!

(crying)

I wouldn't run a marathon for two reasons.

The first, um, I don't really like the clothes that you wear.

Uh, they're not flattering to my body type.

I look better in,

in more upscale sort of clothing.

Secondly,

I don't enjoy the people that run.

This is what we call a tune-up half,

or a tunie halfie,

but I never half-did anything in my life.

Wish me luck.

You're not gonna say it?

It's a superstition,

I need you to say, "Good luck."

Fine, all right, good luck, Jeff!

Say, "Good luck."

Say, "Good luck."

Even a fly would say, "Good luck."

Hey, good luck.

Good luck.

Good luck.

Jesus Christ!

So, you know, you go to, like, parks and libraries,

anything they can kind of, like, stare at, or, like,

run around and try to destroy.

Okay!

Miles, you ready?

Do you know where the keys are?

Mama's keys?

(musical toy playing)

Did you throw it down here, honey?

The longest I've run

outside is about three miles.

The police chased me for the last 800 meters.

A treadmill's convenient for a lot of reasons.

You just can't jog around the neighborhood every day.

That'd be crazy!

(breathing heavily)

Um, can you just like,

can you just watch him for just a second?

(microphone thudding)

Television commercials, nothing.

The radio commercials, that was fun.

I did all the voices.

Yeah, I can't afford a voiceover guy.

Those, those pros are expensive.

(baby crying)

I read in an advertising book

that I got at the library one time

that you need to, uh,

get it into people's heads

seven times before they remember it.

So, we just said, "What's that?

"Devil's Canyon."

Seven times.

Miles, say, "mama."

- No. - No?

(baby cooing)

We did get a call from,

from, from Disney

saying to...

They gave us a cease and desist.

"He has more of a Southern California drawl."

"Mine is, you know, Midwest."

♪ M-A-R-A- ♪

♪ T-H-O-N ♪

♪ M-O-U-S-E ♪

Set a PR, personal record.

Still feels like I'm slumming it.

I don't wanna say I'm better than these runners,

but I am faster than they are,

so draw your own conclusions.

Hey, good race, you guys.

Good race.

Losers.

(dog barking)

Sequoia doesn't think running's a real sport.

It's not!

If everyone can do it, then it's not a sport.

Is shitting a sport?

(grunting)

In high school, I was all-state.

Oh, great, you do insurance commercials too?

Yeah, I'm auditioning for them.

I'll tell you what's a marathon,

scrolling through your entire Facebook timeline.

"Big Dick" Brian.

I can't just call him, I gotta like,

"Woops, we ran into each other.

Oops, not again!

Woops!

Call me."

See what I'm saying, so, figure out where they go

instead of calling him.

Is that weirder?

Feels better.

Hey!

- Why do you hate me? - Because you're a fraud!

I'm an actor.

What's the difference?

He's gonna call.

You can just tell

from his eyeballs.

He's gonna call.

I'm sorry.

♪ ♪

(moaning)

But if he doesn't, but if he doesn't call,

I think my mom is still friends with his mom, so.

(moaning)

What happened to Marathon Mouse?

He's, he's dead.

I mean, not the character,

the guy in the suit.

He had heat stroke,

and, um, it was 115.

(cheering)

And, I don't know if you know this about heat stroke,

it kind of changes your brain chemistry,

so he, um...

(whistling)

...he got violent.

And, in his mouse costume,

he went around,

and just went on a rampage.

Just this gigantic mouse rampage.

And he just, just knocked over tables,

just pushed over children,

and was just being an ass.

Boston flight is

booked!

(chuckling)

Confidence breeds confidence.

There's an old saying, "Man makes plans

and God laughs"

out of joy

because he's glad that you're setting a goal for yourself.

Ugh.

Playgrounds are cesspools.

I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be fine.

It's just a little setback.

I'm not that sick, it's just a little sick.

It's just kind of in my bones right now,

so it's just gotta come out.

(birds chirping)

Today we're gonna be runnin',

and in addition to the weight of my body,

I'm gonna have two and a half pounds of extra weight

on each ankle.

Eat your heart out, Boston.

(Velcro ripping)

Eat your heart out, Boston.

Oh, God, they're heavy.

Wow.

It's on!

Oh, I didn't fill it.

What happened between me and Ben

is nobody's business but our own.

So, no comment.

We totally banged banana suits.

We fucked.

I mean, Jenna's a perfectly lovely person.

I mean, she has tics, but we all have tics, right?

I do have a sex tape, so.

It's called Too Little Too Late.

I mean, the budget wasn't too crazy on the sex tape.

The woman cost something, you know.

Obviously, you're not gonna get,

you know, a lay person to just do it for free, you know.

Obviously, you have to pay for it.

Not that I'm admitting being with a call girl

on camera.

Sorry, why don't you guys just roll that back

and cut that part out?

(microphone thudding)

(chuckling)

Hope you're hungry, Jeff,

'cause you're gonna be eating my dust

all day.

All you can eat dust buffet.

Catch up if you can,

slow poke... Whoa!

Okay, yes, we slept together.

Ben's a method actor,

so it was a bit odd.

(groaning)

Lot of yellow.

But I saw a different side of Ben.

Once you peel back the, uh, outer layer,

there's a sensitive soul underneath.

I hope you enjoy your muscle cramps.

I hope you enjoy all of your muscles cramping on you.

Oh, now you wanna run away.

Now you wanna run away because you know I'm right!

That's why.

What can you tell us about Sequoia?

She's a great motivator.

She used to bully me

and still does to this day.

Every month, I get a sports bra in the mail

and an issue to Women's Fitness.

Why do you keep 'em?

Not everything,

um,

goes back to where it's supposed to go.

Did you know that a bladder can drop?

I didn't.

Vagina stays there, thank goodness,

but it spreads open, and it rips and tears.

There's an old poem, uh,

"A road diverged in the woods,

and I took the one less traveled by."

(birds chirping)

A champion takes their own path,

which is why we're going

there.

Feels right, doesn't it?

It's a feeling you get here.

Bladder is so, so tired and weak.

Oh, what a weak little bladder!

It's just gonna fall.

Oh, no, pee-pee time!

Makes her very sad.

Oh, she's not a grown woman anymore.

Why? Why?

What a dumb idea, I should have wore a condom.

But I do think this the way back to the car, seriously.

I'm getting hungry.

Hup-hup, let's go!

Hup-hup, come on!

Wanna get your Lunchable, don't you, Jeff?

You know all the nitrates in that?

You're gonna kill yourself.

Oh, Jesus.

Kegels, Kegels, Kegels, Kegels.

What, uh, what's your

favorite theatre role?

Ah, well, I've been working on Hamlet.

Speak the speech,

I pray you!

To think not my... Nope, not my line.

Oh, God, who wrote this?

Trail running,

they can't teach you this on the pavement.

And you make yourselves,

uh, another.

You jig, you am...

You a...

Huh.

That's a little,

- little racy. - You know it's weird

that you're not saying Black,

- like it's even weirder now. - I haven't even,

- I haven't e... - Because you can't say it,

then it's making it

- really weird. - We haven't even had

dinner today.

And all of our neighbors, yeah, are Caucasian,

but I don't think that that makes me

- in a different neighborhood. - Safe.

- It makes you feel safe. - No, it makes... No,

it doesn't make us in a different neighborhood

because our neighborhood isn't this block.

Our neighborhood isn't this county.

Our neighborhood is America,

and America is entirely

the same.

It, it...

We're not.

That's where all the conflict comes from.

Well, we saw the mountain on the way in, so.

I guess that doesn't really help.

At least we know we're in the same park.

- I will be here... - No, please,

don't use the stove.

- Don't turn it on. - No, I would never!

- Okay. - No, no, no.

I only turn one thing on.

(laughing)

Oh, God!

All right.

Rewind the footage, yeah?

See if we can spot a landmark.

All right, you know what, give me the camera!

Give me the camera!

(screaming)

Go! Go!

Fuck! Oh, fuck!

It's broken!

Oh! Go get help!

Go! Go get help!

(moaning)

I lost five pounds!

(slurping)

Ah!

Oh, how did it bruise so fast?

Oh, Godspeed, Jeff.

Godspeed.

Come back with help.

God dammit, Jeff!

Go!

Go!

Ah!

Ugh!

(crying)

My fondest memory,

uh, is the look on

the kids' eyes

when they see their mom or dad

crossing the finish line

throwing up.

Just the looks on their faces,

they're just like,

"Why is Daddy doing this?"

I was trying to get a toy of the ground,

and something happened.

I mean, it's fine.

Um, just a little setback.

We can keep going.

Let's keep going.

Ah!

What do you think about when you run?

My sister once told me I was a mistake.

That's hard not to think about.

Other than that,

I guess my pace.

What do you dream of doing?

Oh, I love dreams!

One time, I was dreaming that I was a kitten,

and I was caught in a field,

and there was this mouse I was tryin' to get.

And every time I'd try to get it,

he just ran a little bit further into the field.

Mm.

(both sighing)

I like your place.

(chuckling)

♪ ♪

♪ Well, the smoke ♪

♪ just settled down when you appeared ♪

♪ Your face ♪

♪ it made my vision crystal clear ♪

♪ If I miss my destination ♪

♪ that's all right with me ♪

♪ I just wanna settle down with you ♪

♪ My marigold ♪

♪ You're marigolden ♪

♪ My marigold ♪

♪ You're marigolden ♪

♪ ♪

I don't, I don't understand young men these days.

Young, young men...

...swiping things.

When I met my husband,

it was at a, at a, um, mixer thing for our work.

And he said, "I'm gonna call you."

And he called me 24 times in the next 24 hours.

That was one time an hour.

I saw his car, and I said, "Let's get married."

You can't run behind a woman because

she thinks you're staring at her ass.

But then, you can't run in front of her

because she's starin' at your ass.

(birds chirping)

Always go 50/50 on a check.

That's cool now.

Unless it's your birthday, then, like,

someone else's problem.

Where they take the spaghetti

and then they meet in the middle, and they kiss,

they spaghetti kiss.

It doesn't happen also because

no one orders a plate of spaghetti to share.

Like, you'd each have your own plate of spaghetti,

so it doesn't work.

It doesn't work like that.

Ugh!

No setbacks.

Boston,

here I come!

Hope you're ready for me, Boston,

'cause I'm comin' with a full,

full head of steam.

(clanging)

Oh, no.

Michael!

(treadmill whirring)

I'm goin' crazy, man.

I feel like a Nike lab rat.

As we all know, Nike is,

uh, the famous Greek goddess of victory.

I am designing the Achilles,

the famous Trojan war hero.

That's, that's not a desired effect.

Some people have insoles.

I mean, these are just out-soles.

The glue still needs to dry a little bit,

or I think it's too dry.

Just gonna stretch it down.

Just takes about, you know,

three or four hours.

The Achilles.

Rah, Trojan war!

You've gotta wear shoes to get by in life.

Have you ever walked down a street without your shoes on?

It hurts!

Oh! Ow! Oh!

Why are you sitting down?

Jeff, get up.

We're not staying long.

Get up, we're running here.

Ah!

We're running, come on, let's go.

No, I'm fine.

It's not that bad.

(breathing heavily)

It's... You think this is bad.

(laughing)

(coughing)

Ah! Ah!

(groaning)

Running has

probably only negative effects.

A healthy run would be like,

"Oh, my bus!"

We should get back out there soon, I just,

I just got, I think I have a rock in my shoe.

Not even a rock, probably like a pebble.

I'll just take my shoe off, and get the pebble outta there.

Oh!

Oh!

Right there, that was the one,

that was the culprit, so.

That's the one.

Ow!

It's an old evolutionary tool

that was used to use to run from wild animals.

I don't see any wild animals.

Why? 'Cause they're all in the zoo.

Ow!

Ow!

(gong ringing)

The wall is, uh, one of the things that you

experience when you are...

I don't know.

I don't know what the wall is.

The wall is like, uh, an electric fence.

You think it's gonna hurt too bad to go through...

(electricity zapping)

...but you don't know 'till you get to the other side.

What do I do? The wall, the wall marathon?

Will that Google get me what I'm lookin' for?

You could just tell me what it is.

The wall's not real.

It's a self-imposed mental block...

(popping)

...like menopause.

I hit a wall every day.

I am a mother.

How to beat the wall.

Hit the wall,

understanding why you hit the wall.

The wall?

The wall is systemic racism.

(squashing)

Is it like a block?

I got it, it's like a marathon block.

It's like you can't, it's like when you hit the wall,

you're like, "Ugh, I can't run anymore!"

I hit that wall when I got the packet,

so we're past my wall.

Well, I don't know what the future holds,

except the marathon.

But, yeah, yeah, I could see myself with Ben.

(screaming)

When you marry someone, you,

you share something that you don't have with anyone else.

And so, there's definitely, uh,

a part of me that, uh,

would definitely want to have her back

in my life.

Ryan walked in on me cheating on him...

twice.

That was a rough week.

I have a lot of regrets about that relationship.

We were married two years.

The second time he caught me,

he just turned and ran.

He kept running.

I wanted to chase after him, but...

Do you know what a sex swing is?

- Let's just put it this way. - Oh, this is serious.

Life is a race,

and one of the reasons I quit running

is because I feel like,

um, we're not all starting from the same place.

Mm.

The finish line is a straight line,

but the starting line, no one talks about that.

The starting line is,

is an, is an uneven line, and sometimes

the line is even,

it's not even how close it is.

Sometimes the line is lower,

and people have to climb out of a hole to start.

Not even just that they're back.

Black!

Black!

I like Black people!

Okay, you can say it softer.

I'm sorry.

A felony jaywalking.

Ben?

No.

Nope. I don't know Ben.

I would like to first say thank you

and I would also like to propose a toast.

I'm not toasting! I'm not toasting!

I don't like you! Sit down!

- Oh my god. - Ben!

I got it, I got it.

♪ Go to sleep ♪

♪ It's time to sleep ♪

You have to trust your daughter.

I have a ring.

- My parents are real people. - This is not for the camera.

Please, they're confused and they don't want to...

Will you marry me?

Oh my god.

♪ You are my son, that's the truth ♪

♪ Don't forget to brush your tooth ♪

The only thing I could do for her

is get my pistol and put a hole...

- Dad, do not, please. - Can I have the mashed potatoes

- perhaps? - Yeah, yeah.

- I'm so sorry, okay. - Careful, they're hot.

Yes of course.

- Okay, okay, sorry. - Ah!

- Careful. - Yup, I get it.

♪ Breathe ♪

♪ Bop bop bop ♪

♪ Sh, breathe ♪

I don't think that's helping.

He's just getting more...

♪ Boop boop bop boop boop bop ♪

...pumped up.

What else do we do?

I don't know what else to do.

No, there's no banana thing.

He's just like... Ben, are you okay?

- Ben? Ben? - Let him choke.

- Ugh. - Oh god.

Ben!

- Dad, I'm so sorry. - I am so sorry, sir.

Dad, I am so sorry.

What is wrong with you? Was that real?

- You just spit your own... - I am so sorry.

Honey, honey, can I see the ring?

- It's really pretty honey. - Show you mother the ring.

If one more goddamn banana walks through that front door...

♪ Hallelujah ♪

I Ran With the Devil.

Yah!

We got into some trouble with some groups

who thought that it promoted Satanism but...

you know...

I think we invite all people to run.

We do have a few Satanist who run in the marathon.

They're very nice people.

Did it all myself.

So these are all, you know, triple XL.

Um.

But I...

Oh, sorry.

Hold on one sec, I need to take this.

Hey.

This is a pleasant surprise.

How you are?

Did you interview my wife!

Get back here!

- Cramp! Cramp! Ah, ah. - Oh god, okay.

Okay, just let it go, just let it down.

My times have slowed a little.

It's common.

Quit.

Just quit.

(treadmill humming)

Don't you have this shot already?

Last year we have a picture of a running crossing a finish line.

This year, um...

this year we got

a couple of MMA fighters

pounding on each other.

Um, we have this guy pinning this guy down

and he's about to give him a good old wallop.

No, no it's non-refundable.

Um.

Uh and you know...

we got a bunch of them so.

It's kind of what we've got to work with.

So, err.

Poom, poom, poom, Devil's Canyon.

I ran with the devil, mm!

I think it works.

Momma! Momma!

Momma, momma, momma.

Say momma.

Say momma.

(baby mumbling)

I don't want to be...

Jeff, get back!

I don't want to be in a documentary

about running a marathon if I can't run in the marathon.

It's embarrassing.

Can I at least get a new camera man?

No, is there a problem?

No, he's just... he's just Jeff.

That's the thing about him, he's very duplicitous.

He's able to lie, he's like a chameleon.

Well intentioned simpleton.

He spit on a nun the other day.

I mean, whether you decide to get me a new camera man or not,

I think you should, I think you should

based on what I've told you.

It's one of my favorite parts.

Is the design, the swag, the stuff.

It's all about... it's... I mean, it's about the people

but it's mostly about the stuff.

Stay outside, I'm having a conversation right now.

It's private.

Staying out there.

He pilfered some of my silverware.

We were trying to do something

and there was this jingling that we heard

and it ended up being a bunch of forks and knives.

It was actually my wedding silverware

which is very dear to me because obviously,

I've been through a lot.

I've been divorced and it still means a lot to me.

That silverware is a family... a family heirloom.

Goddammit Jeff!

Goddammit!

I'm secretary at a law firm.

Uh, Rodrigues, Rodrigues and Rodrigues

but my boss, Rodrigues numero dos

said that he would pay for my law school if I got in.

His wife had a stroke during a turkey trot

so he's inspired by my "brave stance

against long distance running."

How's Abby doing? Is she okay?

Seems like we got an empty nest.

We're all clear here.

(action noises)

Oh, oh! Get down.

Get down everybody!

Get down!

(mimicking gun fire)

I killed a man once.

I slit his throat from ear to ear.

And then I realized it wasn't a man at all

but an animal.

It's okay, it's just one-way.

He can't hear me.

(baby crying)

Oh.

(baby crying)

I'm real worried okay.

(knocking)

This is a marathon documentary footage.

I, Ryan O'Brien have taken over principle photography.

If you notice a strong uptick in the quality of footage

at this point of the film,

that is to be expected.

I'm going to be sharing entries

from my running diary.

This is a great way to chart your goals,

keep track of injuries,

hold yourself accountable.

"Take a look back at your training logs

to remind yourself that you've done everything possible

to prepare, the race is the run part

where you get to see the hard work pay off, enjoy it."

Okay, well.

This is one of my favorite quotes

from Prefontaine.

The suicide pace is my favorite pace.

And today seems like a good day to die.

Shareef, what's your favorite running quote?

When you put the cleats on, make sure they fit.

Ugh, ah.

Oh god.

Just in time for a little feetsy massage.

No.

(shouting)

Ow, just let it go, just let it go.

Oh my god, oh my god!

Ugh!

I mean, define "Enjoy."

Does anybody enjoy anything that they do really?

I mean, you know, you have to endure somedays.

Somedays are better than others.

Some days you just want to like,

you know, take a sawed-off shotgun and...

and just go shooting at a shooting range.

I mean, you know, that's all I would do with that.

Um.

And that's a good day.

(baby shouting)

Ow, fuck.

Ugh, god.

I think I'm okay.

(baby crying)

Shit.

I won 50 dollars! I never do this.

I just picked this up for fun and look at that.

I won 50 bucks.

It's just a scrape.

It's nothing.

It just looks... it looks worse than it is.

So yeah.

See? Everything's fine.

The badge of motherhood.

Like everyone, I have doubts and insecurities

and moments of weakness.

When you're trying to do something great

like break a world record

you just have to work through those hang-ups.

If it were easy everyone would run a marathon

dressed as a fruit.

Look back at history.

Say oh, here look at this.

This banana beat this head of cabbage

with the short legs.

She's running around in fruit clothes.

They lowered the Boston qualifying times.

There was an increase in the number of entries.

Is your flight refundable?

Is my flight refundable?

That's the first question you have for me?

Not is there anyway that I can still get in?

It would be like if my mom died and you asked,

"Can you return the Mother's Day card you bought?"

You are fucking inconsiderate. Fuck you, Jeff!

No, I can't return... I can't get a refund on my flight!

No flights are refundable now.

The airlines are brutal.

- What if... - Uh-huh?

...you don't run the race

but we watch it?

That sounds like the most bringing thing

I've ever heard.

(TV murmuring)

You gotta what, four bedroom house

stucco exterior, I'd say...

♪ ♪

It's over, huh?

You gotta keep firing positive arrows,

- positive arrows. - Okay, positive arrows.

- Positive. - Positive arrows.

We probably know

that she's not going to break the record but...

Oh god, oh thank you, Jeff.

♪ ♪

Can I use that footage?

I'd like to see it before I approve it.

Am I nervous about tomorrow?

No. Hell no.

You know why?

I know my lines, I'm ready.

You don't lose when there's a script.

- Ben. - Calling my parents.

(line ringing)

Hello, we are not available now.

I'm an optimist but not...

I mean, there's gotta be a limit to what you, you know.

An optimist but?

Marathon's tomorrow.

God, that came fast.

You're never going to be ready.

You always want more days...

And why is my hand wet?

Michael, did you spill something here?

(sniffing)

What is this? Tell us what this is.

(baby crying)

(sighing)

I can't sleep. I'm too nervous.

I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow but

I just gotta hope for the best and plan for the worst.

I, Shareef Washington,

declare that this is my will.

However, I am obviously not sound of mind and body

as I'm determined to run a marathon tomorrow.

In the desert.

With white people.

(fire crackling)

I want to be alone, Jeff.

♪ ♪

♪ Well soon early one morning ♪

♪ Death come creeping in the room ♪

♪ Soon one morning ♪

♪ Death come creeping in the room ♪

♪ Oo ♪

♪ Oo ♪

♪ Death come creeping in the room ♪

♪ And I know ♪

♪ I know that my time ain't long ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Oh death ♪

♪ Oh death ♪

♪ Down that lonesome road ♪

♪ Death ♪

♪ Oh death, hey ♪

♪ Down that lonesome road ♪

♪ Oo ♪

♪ Oo ♪

♪ Down that lonesome road ♪

♪ And I know ♪

♪ I know that my time ain't long ♪

♪ ♪

Look at view.

Huh?

Breathtaking, right?

Everything you could ask for.

Okay, we don't need that guy in the landscape, great.

'Cause I like looking at pictures of landscapes

but when I'm out here it's like ugh,

I have to walk all the way out here to look at it.

(sighing)

I hadn't even looked behind me until just now.

It's gorgeous, isn't it?

Which one is Devil's Peak?

That one there.

Right there.

Or it could... It might be that one.

Definitely that one.

Look who decided to show up.

You're 30 minutes late.

Oh sorry, Jeff... Jeff called out.

More like I called him out.

So he's not coming back or?

Did he say any... did he give a message

to tell me or anything?

Okay, fine, yeah whatever.

Let's just roll.

After a long night

and multiple running diary entries,

I've decided to attend the race as uh...

as uh...

spectator.

To support my fellow runners.

I'm sorry, I'm not... Are you sure you registered?

Yeah, oh, I just saw it right there.

- Oh there it is. - Can you do it again?

No, that's...

Thirty minutes late and you want to get another take.

I'm not a machine, this is just what I'm going through.

- How do you say that? - Sha-Reef.

Got it.

- Shareef. - What?

- Have a great run. - Here we go.

(indistinct chattering)

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ah!

Ah-ha.

What happened?

I fell!

Ugh, ow!

- All right. - It's the bones, Jenna.

It's the goddamn bones!

- Thank god for all the bananas. - Cut the shit!

Okay, are... are you really not running?

Look, I'm only contracted to do the training, okay.

I'm not gonna run an actual marathon.

- Ugh. - Who steals crutches?

Even if they're just laying out.

Who steals them?

I struggle to imagine that someone

who actually needed them stole them.

I... I gotta go to Florida.

They want me at the Miami Zoo.

They're opening up a monkey sanctuary

and Dole wants me to cut the ribbon.

That's it?

What about Shakespeare? What about us?

Like if I had left out like a hat or like a shirt.

Like then if it was gone I'd be upset but it's on me.

What... what are you even gonna use a crutch for?

I'm not an actor.

I'm product placement.

Hang on, no, no.

Just go... just...

(groaning)

It hurts!

It hurts the bones!

The goddamn bones.

A couple of announcements.

All right, wow, great turn out.

Paramedics are on-call for any injury

but the reception has been spotty.

So it's best to get hurt between miles six and thirteen.

Six and thirteen.

Yeah, I really liked her.

Can even say I loved her.

Whatever... whatever that means.

I mean, we were together for six weeks

which is an eternity in actor's time, you know.

What will you do with the money?

Hm.

LA baby, should be enough.

- Hey, Benny boy. - How's it going?

- Hey, good, good. - Yes!

- I have... I have some great news. - Yes!

- Yeah? - I am ready for my check.

Dole's or mine?

What?

You're running the race.

What race? What do you mean? What does that mean?

Respect the cones everyone.

Please, just have some respect for the cones.

- Okay. - I'll be there holding this.

Okay, look for the guy holding this all right.

(sighing)

Fuck!

Great news, you're up.

Water, it's important to keep hydrated.

There's, uh, there's gonna be water every...

I think at least at the beginning

and at the end of the race

there will be water for everybody.

There's ' something in this one.

So I'm not gonna... I won't... I won't...

I check these every five minutes for dust, for mites.

I had a runner one time he had a drink of water

and he swallowed a scorpion.

How does everybody feel?

Woo! Yeah!

Is everybody ready for a race or what?

Okay, we have to reserve that for the start of the race, Eric.

No, no, I got dreams of my own.

What? Your dreams are my dreams, goddammit!

Oh, fuck you, you do not deserve this Hamlet book.

Fucking take off that banana suit, mother fucker!

You fucking take it off.

Any other questions from anybody?

What's the marathon in the metric system?

Like how many kilometers?

I don't... I... We're in America okay.

We use the American system.

You might have some international runners, Ed.

Okay, any international runners?

Nope, I hear nothing.

So 26.2 miles.

That's what we're sticking by everybody.

I... I can't do it.

Please don't make me do it.

It might work without the batteries though.

It doesn't work without the batteries, Eric.

(indistinct shout)

Fuck!

Ugh!

Okay, thank you, thank you so much, Eric.

- So guys... - You guys might see

rabbits on the trail.

Do you want to stand on here?

Do you want to stand on the box?

Do you want to do that... No, no that was a rhetorical question,

Eric, the command will be runners on your mark

and then I'll sound the air...

Goddammit Eric.

No.

Okay, I'm going to do the air horn.

And then the race will start.

(chugging)

(coughing)

Not one Boston qualifier in the bunch.

Thought this was a race.

This looks like a support group

for people with muscular atrophy.

What was there a sale on workout gear?

This looks more like a potato sac race.

Today's the big day.

What we've all been waiting for.

Netflix releases Season Two of Benched.

A true story of a pro football player

turned trial lawyer.

Fifteenth annual Devil's Canyon Marathon.

- Woo! - With our brand new arch

this year, how about it huh?

All right, let's count it down.

- Five... - Three... No, no, no.

You never... you never start from five.

You always start from three.

- It's always three. - Why three?

- Three! - Three.

Two... okay.

Ugh.

Let the marathon begin!

Three, two, one!

Oh, is it supposed to do that?

No, no, no, it's coming down.

It's coming down.

Hold it back up, hold on.

- No, no, no. - You're not doing good.

- Don't... - No, no, no, no.

Get back on this side.

No, no, no.

Okay, go! Go, go everyday!

It's time to go.

Watch your head, watch your head!

Timer, timer, timer.

Do the timer.

Yay!

♪ ♪

Most participants are in so much pain

that they forget to appreciate their surroundings.

So I remind them.

You're not even looking! You're missing it!

It's like you're running through a Monet landscape, you idiot!

Do you hate nature?

What's wrong with you.

Assault and battery, we'll kill them too.

I paid 35 dollars to be in this, I get a shirt.

It's kind of like a reward for finishing the race.

I can't just give you a tee shirt.

- I'm on that list. - I don't want to hurt

an injured person.

You're not getting a shirt!

They're for race finishers!

♪ ♪

Okay, come on.

Come on.

Do you run?

Oh no, no, I don't run.

Never have never will.

- Oh hey! - You cut the course.

What? No, Jenna, that is in the past.

Okay? This is the now.

- Mile 12. - Mile 4.

What?

Fuck! Fuck!

I gotta finish this race.

For Dole?

No, not for Dole.

For the money.

For you.

For the money and you.

It's close, 50/50 I don't know.

I can't have you running with me, okay.

You can run next to me but you gotta keep up...

- Race yah! - Shit.

You run ugly.

Slow down!

Slow down!

Ugh, ugh god.

You have to put a lot of pressure on yourself.

What's a race without water?

They wouldn't finish is my point.

They'd end up...

the whole goddamn desert would be full of bodies

if it weren't for me, if you really think about it.

Just CGI my legs.

- It's a real race, Ben. - Ugh.

May the record reflect that I hold the record

for passing touchdowns.

♪ ♪

(clinking)

♪ ♪

Hey, can you go get me a water?

(clinking)

Water, water, baby.

Grab it and go, grab it and go baby.

Hey, baby.

Look, if people are hydrated that's...

then my... there's a whole lot less work

that I need to do and if my job's done...

I'm happy, I don't even...

don't even need to be there.

- Just carry me. - No, no Ben!

I'm not carrying you.

I carried you through this whole process.

Ugh.

Oh no.

Oh no.

Oh.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Go long.

How about 15 years long?

- Fuck you! - Ben, come on!

- You fucking bitch! - Ben!

It's just a runner, Ben.

He's not even in costume.

I don't remember getting a water.

I went to get it.

- Yeah, yeah. - I did.

Yeah what happened?

I can get you another one.

No, I'm over it.

(heavy breathing)

Yay, Momma, you run!

Do the best, you're number one!

Hey!

Hi.

- Abby? - I'm so happy.

- Abby, you okay? - I'm so happy.

Sweetheart?

Jenna!

Jenna!

What happened to your number?

Are you limping? Or is that how you really run?

I forgot to register.

I forgot.

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry.

And that doesn't even matter.

Here.

That's Gatorade.

I filled up Miles' bottle with Gatorade?

Ugh.

Why would you have a marathon in the desert?

- Momma. - What?

- Momma. - You say Momma?

Did you say Momma?

- Did he just say Momma? - He says it all the time.

He actually called our mailman Momma the other day.

- But I mean. - He does?

No, no, this is... he called the fridge Momma.

- But... - He thinks about me?

He thinks about you.

Honey, I can do this.

You're running the race?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

I can do this, okay.

You can do this.

You can do this, sweetie.

- Momma. - Do it, Momma.

Momma, momma, momma!

Oh.

I've made so many mistakes.

Momma.

Momma.

And he's like "I put a bomb in the finish line

of your race, you better watch out."

And I was like, "It's our 15th year.

How could you do that to us?"

And he's like "I don't care.

Yeah, I'm gonna bomb it."

♪ ♪

Um, attention everyone.

Attention.

Um, nobody panic

but we've received a bomb threat.

It's probably a hoax.

But if it's not, then it's a bomb.

(screaming)

The caller claimed that the finish line

is where the bomb's gonna go off.

But I'll believe it when I see it.

(shouting)

The police are on their way.

Carry on.

(heavy breathing)

How are we going to tell the runners?

Flare gun?

Smoke signals?

I'm really good with fire.

No one should finish for another twenty minutes.

(clinking)

I lost my watch.

Twenty minutes is so soon.

Should we be this close?

You're fine, you're fine, you're fine where you're at.

(sighing)

Life or death situation, huh.

You find out who you truly are.

♪ ♪

Boo.

Boo.

You don't need to...

- Are you okay, Ed? - I'm fine, I'm just...

I don't know.

♪ ♪

(beeping)

♪ ♪

Is this still enough?

Yeah, I prefer it to be more out

so that you're presenting to the winners.

Yes, exact... Yes.

Open, open arms.

Nobody wants to run and hug and animal, okay.

- Am I hugging them? - Yes.

You're gonna hug them.

They are winning, this is their moment.

Just give them their moment, Eric.

Good lord.

Hurry up!

(wind blowing)

Just start at the beginning.

Oh, well, about fifteen years ago

I decided to start a marathon here in town because

we don't... we kind of have a lack of...

Let's jump forward just a bit.

Okay, at the seven year mark we decided to...

No, jump forward to today.

Okay, yeah, I don't know,

about 20, 35 minutes ago I received a phone call.

From this guy who was like, "Oh, I will put a bomb

underneath your finish line, I bombed it.

I placed it underneath your..."

He was French?

I don't know, he just had a weird sort of voice to him.

And he was like, "Oh, I put... I put, you know, bomb

underneath your... your finish line."

Now he's Russian?

Could've been Franco-Russian, something.

I'm not exactly sure.

(sobbing)

That guy Eric.

Look for a very, very sad looking

misshapen individual.

And you think he somehow is connected

to this bomb threat?

I... You know, anything is possible.

But he's just been acting very...

just he's been acting really stupid

and I'm just not sure that he's really trustworthy.

All right.

What's your name?

- Ed Clap. - Ed Clap.

It's one "P."

Last episode.

What?

Turn around!

There's a bomb!

- No, no, there's a bomb! - No, stop!

There's a bomb!

♪ ♪

(shouting in slow-motion)

♪ ♪

Where's everybody at?

- I don't think it exploded. - No.

Because this bush would be gone if that blew up.

I can outrun anybody.

Until they caught me.

Just about five feet from where they were.

Now were are the news vans?

Oh yeah, there's a bunch.

- I sent them the other way. - Wait what?

Yeah, I'd figure you'd want to keep this under wraps.

If word got out this would be in all the papers.

No, okay... can you... can you call them back?

- Where are... where... - Oh, they're gone.

They're gone, they're long gone.

It was a publicity stunt?

White people.

(thudding)

(floor squeaking)

I have to uh, call my mom.

Hey, mom.

How much longer do you think they're gonna be?

- The runners. - That's the guy.

- That's Eric. - I'll figure it out.

(vibrating)

(moaning)

(shouting)

(heavy breathing)

Ugh, ugh, I did it.

How does it feel?

Um.

Has anyone seen Ben?

he was having a lot of trouble

and I don't know if it was between six and thirteen

or not so he could still be out there.

But he... I left him.

I had to, he told me to leave him.

Jenna!

Jenna!

But has anybody seen him?

Have you guys seen him?

Did he come through or?

I mean, he's not gonna... it's gonna be a while.

He'll be a while.

Guys, there's nothing going on here.

So.

We don't need to do this.

I had a... I had a clear goal.

I worked hard at it.

I worked toward it everyday.

I didn't delineate from my path.

I tried to be my best self.

I prayed that it would come true.

I sacrificed for it.

I didn't give way to distractions

or temptation and I still fell far short.

Can we go eat now?

I've been on a plane all day.

My legs are killing me.

You guys are here?

(indistinct conversation)

You think we would miss this?

Are you kidding me.

Did you guys know this?

Did you know they were coming?

How you gonna... how you gonna live, you know?

Without the...

What time is is?

Does anybody know the time?

♪ ♪

So yeah, I guess if I learned anything from the Marathon

it's how to hate myself,

dreams don't come true,

life has no meaning,

and that uh, people cannot be trusted.

No one can be trusted

even if you think you can trust them.

All right, this is over.

Oh yeah and I learned I hate documentaries.

I hate documentaries.

So you can, you know, you can suck it.

You can all suck it.

You're just vultures just praying on my misery.

So yeah, that's... If you want to learn...

You want to know what I learned from the marathon

it's that I hate myself,

dreams don't come true,

life has no meaning,

no one can be trusted

and documentaries...

suck.

They're a sadistic, it's not even an art form.

You just... just like, oh, I want to be a film maker

but I don't know what to tell a story about.

Let me just shoot a bunch of bullshit

and then somebody else will cut it all together.

So yeah, I think that's what I learned

from the marathon... Stop filming me.

Oh and I learned that wood is also a terrible crutch.

This is killing my armpit.

So yeah, you want to know what I learned from the marathon

I guess I'd say it's that, uh,

it's that I hate myself,

that dreams don't come true,

life has no meaning,

no one can be trusted,

documentaries fucking blow

and a two by four is a terrible thing

to use as a crutch.

Oh god, ugh.

Hey, are you getting all your footage?

Ah, I'd hate for you to help me or anything.

Hate for you to think of me as another human being

who might need a compassionate hug.

God as my witness, I will never run again.

(heavy breathing)

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull