Original subtitles

You're discussing critical space stuff

with your pals the other day.

DARYL: How would you batch in space?

With immaculate care.

Yeah, it'd go airborne if you didn't contain it.

Depends on the length of the missions, I thinks.

Like, if it's a pretty short mission, you can probably gets away

without mixing a batch up theres.

Maybe you can get away without mixing a batch.

I mix one every night or I'm not sleeping.

Kind of likes how I needs to takes a shower

immediately afters I takes a shits?

You'd cone it.

What?

Each spaceman's given a cone,

put over your junk, for when you batch in space.

They do? So let's say you're in your space quarters,

you lay on your back in your bunk,

put the cone over your junk and fire one up,

and since it's zero gravity,

your batch'd float up to the top of the cone,

and remain there.

Then what'll you do with it?

Each cadet's got a space disposal in their quarters,

so he'll just throw it in there.

That what they do? Most important thing

is to obstruct the space cam in your quarters

so that the rest of the space cadets don't see you batching.

I'd imagine they'd give you a few cones.

Probably stick one of those cones over the camera. Exactly.

Wayne?

Dan.

How did youse acquires this knowledge?

You remember when I took Angie down Disney?

Yeah.

Was having drinks in a bar by Cape Canaveral

and heard some cadets talking.

Space cadets?

Don't fuckin' piss me off, Dary.

Isn't Cape Canaverals a ways away from Disney?

It's not that far.

Okay.

You're having a drinks in Capes Canaverals

and you overhear some cadets

talk something about mixing a batch ups in space?

Did I stutter?

Crazier things have happened, I guess.

Was Bondars there? Roberta?

Yeah, Robertas Bondars,

neuroscientist, Canada's first female astronauts.

Fucking legend, Robertas Bondars.

Yeah, Bondar was there. Nice.

What about the other guy, um, what's his name?

He just left, apparently.

Wow, rubbing shoulders

with North America's finest space cadets.

Yeah. Bondar hammered?

No.

No, I seen her crash a few Old Fashioneds,

but she was actually sitting in a quiet corner by herself.

Wonder why the other guys left.

I don't have that information, Dan.

Can you imagine if North America's finest space cadets

went ups into outer space togethers?

Oh, they did. They dids?

Yup. Houston wanted them to go up there together again, too.

Bondar didn't wanna.

Why nots?

I don't think you wanna know.

Well, sures, we dos.

Look, youse didn't hear this from me, all right?

All right.

Dary, all right? All right.

Look, a lot of people don't know this,

but those two weren't just North America's finest spacemen,

they were actually planet Earth's finest space people.

So, of course, Houston wanted them

up there together as much as possible.

But they only went up theres togethers the one time?

Yep.

'Cause Bondars didn't wants to go up theres with him agains.

Yeah. Okay.

So, like, he was as a bit of a guy's guy around Kennedy Center.

You know, he played pranks and stuff,

and they'd just say, "Well, that's just him."

Of course, Bondar was the more senior spaceman,

had a bit of a reputation for, like, kicking it old‐school.

Hence, the Old Fashioneds.

So she didn't have a lot of time for the whole boys‐will‐be‐boys mentality.

'Kay.

So, they finally shoe‐horned them up there together,

knowin' full well it was oil and water.

And I guess you can say he proved them right.

Those space cadets really tell tales out of school, eh?

Yep. What happened next?

So, each spaceman's got a space cam

in their quarters which are connected

to the other spacemen's quarters,

as well as the main shuttle bay and the saucer section,

the two smaller bays and the stardrive section.

They'd be connected to the main bridge?

Of course, they are, Dary. Fuck's sake.

So, we're talking about an elite vessel here?

NASA'd never send a ship up there if it wasn't galaxy class.

You bet they wouldn't. Same with Elon Musk,

but apparently Russia does it all the time.

Fucking joke star fleet.

So, what happened next?

So, Bondar'd be up in Alpha quadrant,

keeping the Captain's log, likely, of the events. Yeah.

And they'd all just come out of a Yeager loop,

so she was a bit worn out.

Yeah, she wouldn't be at full bars.

But, of course, there's Bondar still up there in Alpha,

keeping an eye out for wormholes and what not. Yeah.

I guess there he'd be down there in Beta quadrant,

floating around in space quarters,

which Bondar could see, so could Houston.

I guess what he'd do

is float off‐camera,

pull his space pants down,

grab his junk in a bunch in his hands...

Like dinker‐ball?

Sake, Dary.

This is hard enough to get through

without you stopping all over his story, Dary.

Sorry, good buddy.

So, there he'd be floating off camera.

I guess what he'd do... Allegedlys.

...according to the cadets,

is dip just his junk back into frame.

No. Apparently did it all the time.

Where's Houston in all this?

Houston thought it was hilarious.

But Bondar didn't? Nope.

Bondar did not.

Jesus Christ.

I guess then what he'd do is he'd get on his comms.

Allegedlys.

Just telling you what the cadets told me.

He'd go like,

(IMITATES RADIO STATIC) "Hey, Bondar,

"check out space cam six." No.

Yep. She report him?

Oh, she reported it.

Did they slap sanctions on him?

Yeah.

Yeah, he got jacked up.

Good for Houstons. Mmm‐hmm.

Of course, they were still supposed to be up there

another two months together,

and things only got worse. How?

Remember what I was saying about the cone? Yeah?

I guess whenever it was Bondar's turn to clean Beta quadrant,

he would routinely batch and not cone it.

Inexcusables!

I ain't Bondar to tell you that's an understatement.

I think she would, too.

No, she never expected to be floating around

some spaceman's quarters trying to catch airborne ejaculate

in a plastic vacuum bag

when she signed up for space camp.

No, they only tell you about omega particles

at space camp. Mmm‐hmm.

This went on for two more months?

Oh, no way, Dan.

Oh, you better believe Houston aborted the mission.

Bondar had strict orders

to Picard Maneuver and warp 10 home.

How many light years away were they?

I was gonna ask,

but then the cadets would know I was eavesdropping, so...

Then what happened?

(EXHALES)

They bring Bondar in for top‐secret meeting,

airtight boardroom,

pat‐down, spawn entry, no cell phones inside and they said,

"Well, what do you wanna do here, Bondar?"

Lets him have it.

No. No?

No. You remember how I said she's old‐school.

Yeah.

Bondar says to him, she says,

"I'm gonna be down at the bar drinking Old Fashioneds.

"That guy's gonna get what's coming to him."

Fucking buzzed herself out of the boardroom.

Dids he? Well, Dan,

one of them's up in space doing space activities,

the other one's at a bar by Disney drinking Old Fashioneds.

That woman is the portrait of class.

She always has been.

God bless yas, Robertas Bondars.

Now, you can't be especially sure

those were even real space cadets

at the bar by Kennedy that day

on account of being so close to Disney.

Could have just been playing pretend

or cosplaying,

like so many in that area like to do.

But if there weren't over there spinning the yarn,

fucking Bondar for Prime Minister, eh?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHIMES)

Allo. Oui, hello.

Do it. (GROANS) Bae, no.

Oh, come on, we talked about this.

I told you Marie‐Pierre had to see it, and now, she's here.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

All right.

Youse are sure you're laughing with me and not at me, eh?

Absolutely not.

Good enough. Is Katy there?

Sup? Sup?

Can you hold the camera for us? Sure.

Oh, 'cause he's gonna do that thing for that second verse, right?

Yup, the thing for the second verse is why we're here, lady.

Gotcha. Ah, youse the luckiest...

Caught me half‐caught here, fuck.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) (BOTH LAUGHING)

(SIGHS) All right, here goes.

(SIGHS)

(SINGING ALPHABET POORLY IN FRENCH)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Oh!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Bye! (SPEAKING FRENCH)

Things we do for love, eh, big brother?

Well, it's a keeper if ever there was one, bud.

You looks like you're in a bad way over there, Dary.

Yeah, I'm in a real bad way.

Have a beer. I'm good.

Ah, I don't need a beer either.

Was actually thinking about a water.

Ah, for hell, I'm having one. No one's driving, right?

I'd have a beer. WAYNE: Atta boy.

What's the matter, Dary?

I just...

I haven't talked to Anik in a bit.

I haven't seen Aniks in a fortnight.

A fortnight? Who the fuck are you?

What she been up to, Dary?

I don't know. I do.

You do? Yeah, I've got Anik on Instagram.

She has an Instagram? Airball!

Dary,

you don't know about Anik's Instagram?

Katy, my butt cheeks are clenched up

real tight right here.

So, whatever you're driving at, get after it.

Okay.

I love a girl who knows what she wants

and gets it, and I love Anik.

But her Instagrams, I mean, I love this too,

but it's skanky.

Uh‐oh! A little Skank Sinatra?

Little Skank Zappa?

Skank Ocean. Oh, bother.

What're we talking about here, little Tom Skanks?

Little Skank Aaron? Skanklin D. Roosevelt.

Can I see?

Are your butt cheeks still clenched?

Yes.

Oh...

That's a lot of likes.

Well, life's a drive through, bud. Gotta just...

Just keep moving forward.

So, should...

Should I do something?

Well, she hasn't called you

and she's posting motherfucking sexy photos, like, three times a day,

so, perhaps.

Wayne? Dary?

What would you do if your gal had like a real racy Instagram account?

Well, I haven't had to cross that bridge yet, good buddy,

but she'd be a shaky one.

She'd be dangerous.

She'd be Muay Thai jai alai.

Take an eye, big brother. Yeah, I'd have an eye.

(WHOOPS MILDLY)

(WHOOPS MILDLY)

(WHOOPS MORE STRONGLY) Oh!

In the words of Scottie Wallis... (WHOOPS)

That's what I said. I said... (WHOOPS)

There's no way the photos can be that... (WHOOPS)

Holy fucking... (WHOOPS)

We're talking "Y" to the "E" to the "W"!

I'm looking at yew!

Come on, give me a big old, yew, boy!

All right, big brother, let's get out of here.

Where we going? You're not going anywhere.

Yeah, you stay here, we gotta go get...

Get something sorted.

KATY: Where is Scottie Wallis anyways?

He keeps poor company!

You know, it's kind of suspicious.

Twos of youse going off to someplace

we'res not allowed to go to.

Kind of makes a feller wonder.

I'm not gonna ask any questions,

'cause I'm pretty sure I'll find out,

sooner rather than later!

Bad gas travels fast in a small town!

Hey, do you think that, like,

the other people in town know about her racy Instagram account?

Well, Dary, we have previously established

that bad gas does travel fast in a smalls town.

But, uh, I do believe racy photos travel faster.

Oh, I'm getting hammered. We're out of beers, bud.

Then come with me to MoDeans?

You don't have to ask me twice.

Yew!

(ALL GIGGLING)

Oh, fuck. There he is. Scottie Wallis.

You need a big old yew!

I stop the world and met with yew!

New York, I love yew!

Looks like she's just not that into yew!

Bad gas travels fast in a small town.

Sexy photos travel faster, boy, yew!

Which we have previously established.

Dary, do you know how many dudes are jerking off

to your girlfriend right now? Yew!

Wait, I actually know the answer. Yew.

Sixteen point one thousand. Yew!

I wailed on it before I got here,

but I'd wail on it again. Yew!

I just hammered on it too, but, Dary, yew!

Scottie Wallis here? No.

Thought we heard Scottie Wallis.

What's the kerfuffle?

Daryl sweetie's Instagram. Yew!

Oh.

I just jerked off to that.

And I just jerked off to that.

Jerked off to what?

Stewart was just saying that he jerked off to Daryl sweetie's Instagram,

and I was just saying that I jerked off

to Stewart jerking off to Daryl sweetie's Instagram.

You're gay? Super gay.

Yeah. (CLEARS THROAT)

Just, uh... (CLEARS THROAT) I'm not.

Um, said it from the start,

from the very beginning. (CLEARS THROAT)

You're one of them types. It's... (CLEARS THROAT)

I love my wife and...

Uh, and you're a good enough guy,

but I ain't one of yew!

Where were you, Gail?

Jerking off to Daryl sweetie's Instagram.

I'm gonna run to, yew‐hoo!

That's what I said. I said, "Yew!"

Scottie Wallis is saying, "Yew‐hoo!"

Where is Scottie Wallis?

He keeps poor company.

He's always good for a Y‐E‐W!

Somebody better tie my dick to my leg boys. Yew!

Tie my dick while your at it. Yew!

ALL: Yew!

Yew!

I can't fucking believe your budget for this thing.

Well, you can't take it with you, can you?

Hey, big spender.

You've never seen a hearse pullin' a money truck, have you?

You mind if I wear a leopard print dress to this thing?

I've got one burning a hole in my closet.

You oughta to hear this.

Allo.

'Sup? 'Sup?

Marie‐Fred, what's that big cat

running around Africa with all the spots on it?

A leo‐pard.

Yeah, and what's that fish bears like to catch in the streams?

Um, salmon.

What do you like in your ice‐cream bars?

Almonds.

Atta girl.

You driving up tonight, eh? Yeah.

All right, well, go easy, lead foot.

Okay.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oh, my God, get cuter.

I didn't say the fucking words, right?

Right. Not that I have it on my damn self.

Well, ready? Well... Yeah.

Pitter‐Patter.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH)

I haven't been able to get a hold of you for about a week.

Seems that everybody in Letterkenny is j...

Jerks don't deserve your time.

Probably best I didn't say the word.

Look, I won't be coming around anymore.

I wanted to tell you face to face.

But why? Because you're Instagram famous now?

No. Because I heard that doesn't have much of a shelf life

according to BuzzFeed.

Your'e too clingy, Daryl.

You need to learn to give a girl space.

Oh, bother.

And I'm working things out with Jean‐Claude.

I was impulsive in leaving him.

Especially how I did. I got cold feet.

We are none of us perfect.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Does Jean‐Claude know about your racy Instagram photos?

Love is trust.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(ENGINE STARTING)

Well...

That was a hells of a time to be rocking a piss.

She comes by, says all them personal things,

thinking youse are alone, but, no.

No, I was here the whole time.

I heards everythings.

So, hey,

maybes now you can enjoy her racy Instagrams

like the rest of us, you know,

without personal feelings,

or insecurities seeping throughs, 'cause...

You know. 'Cause...

Yew!

Well? Well.

Here we go now. Here we go now.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

I heard.

Bad gas travels fast in a small towns.

I love that girl, Dary, but it's for the best.

What's for the best?

Dary and his gal.

Skank Stallone?

So, Daryl's single?

Wanna dance?

Always a silver lining.

(CHUCKLES)

What are you looking at?

Dary's ex‐sweetie's Instagrams.

Check out this one hot off the presses.

I know what Scottie Wallis would say. He'd say, "Yew!"

I was just gonna say that, I was gonna say, "Yew!"

SCOTTIE: Yew!

Oh, Scottie Wallis.

He keeps poor companies.

What do you mean?

Yew!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

I got a ticket.

Shocker, lead foot.

You just talked yourself out of something, dark bread.

I got a question for you.

Okay.

Ask me inside.

It's cold.