Original subtitles

Can I have a stick of gum? Yeah, you wanna stick?

Yeah, I'll have a stick, if you got a stick.

Stick of gum. I'll maybe take a second stick.

More than one stick? Was drinkin' from the hose.

It's a wee bit rusty down the line.

That sounds like a two‐stick fire to me.

Dary? Yeah?

Say "about."

About. Okay.

You gots a sticks of gum? Yeah, you wanna stick?

If you gots a sticks, I'd takes a stick.

Stick of gum. You got more than one stick?

Yeah, you want more than one stick of gum?

I drank some OJ's after brushin' my teeth.

So, I'm breathin' fires.

Yup, sounds like you need more than one stick.

Dan? Say "about."

Abouts. 'Kay.

Hey, you want a stick of gum?

I know you've got a stick of gum.

Yeah, I got a stick. Give me a stick.

Stick of gum.

I'll take another one for later too.

More than one stick of gum?

Yeah, I had some Gus & Bru in my coffee this morning.

Yeah? You'll need more than one stick.

Katy? Yeah?

Say...

"About."

About. 'Kay.

Why do you keep asking us to say that, good buddy?

Well...

A GI Jehovah come up the laneway the other day.

And he said it like,

"a‐boat."

"A‐boat?"

Yes, like if you're out on the water, you're in...

A boat.

I ain't never heard no one says it like, "a‐boats."

That's a weird way to say, "about."

Well, to be fair...

♪ To be fair ♪ To be fair

♪ To be fair ♪ To be fair

To be fair, Yanks think we got a weird way of saying "about."

Yeah, what's that's all abouts?

Well, they say it like, "abowt."

"Abowt?"

Yeah, and they make fun of us for saying, "about."

No, I'm pretty sure

Yanks make fun of us for sayin' "a‐boot."

Who says "a‐boot?"

Ask a fuckin' Yank.

A boot.

Abowt.

A‐boot. And now...

A‐boat.

Well, what did the GI have to say?

Well...

It's about heart, it's about passion,

it's about discipline.

It's about not having Christmas, isn't it?

It's about so much more than you think it's about.

So what did you do?

Waste his time a wee bit,

as you do.

Well, then why don't you tell me what it's about?

It's about Jesus,

being God's only direct creation.

It's about not drinkin', isn't it?

It's about not watching "R" rated movies, as well.

Well, it's for sure about not dancing.

Pretty sure someone

told me one time that's what it's about.

For sure. It's about

not listening to music containing immoral lyrics.

What's your fuckin' name?

Bob. Bob, tell me,

what's good about it?

Yeah, but what did he have to say?

You wanna know what? Phone rang and went inside to get it,

kinda forgot he was out there, so must have skedaddled.

No!

And I'd be more than happy to continue

telling you what being a Jehovah's Witness is all about.

How about I leave you behind some literature?

What's your fuckin' name again?

Bob.

Get the fuck outta here, Bob.

Okay.

Hey! What'd you get into?

He could use a stick of gum.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, Mennonites.

Menno‐nappers.

WAYNE: Fuck, can they run, those Nappers.

That looks like Noah Dyck.

WAYNE: And Anita Dyck.

Wayne. Mr. Dyck.

Dyck with a "Y," yes. Daryl.

Mrs. Dyck.

Wayne, feel free to call me Noah Dyck.

And, Daryl, please continue to call me Mrs. Dyck.

Brings ya up the laneway?

Wayne, your family's always been very good to our community

and we appreciate it, once.

You've used us right and hopefully you feel

as though we've used you right, too.

Without question.

We appreciate it, once.

Which is why I know I can count on your discretion.

Especially in a matter as sensitive as this one.

Can confirm.

Okay.

This is not easy to say,

nor is it by any means an accusation...

Where are our daughters? Anita Dyck. Now.

Please.

Our daughter, Charity. Charity Dyck?

And her sister Chastity...

Chastity Dyck?

Are on their gap year, once...

Isn't that called Rumspringa?

Men are talking, Daryl.

Anita Dyck and I are concerned

that our little Dycks have been bitten,

by the good time bug.

And while Dycks have been known to slip out on occasion,

our fear

is that our Dycks have

been out longer than we're comfortable with, once.

Have you seen our Dycks?

About yea tall, once.

Strong nose, like their father,

strong‐willed, like their mother.

I did see them at the bush party, actually.

Dycks at a bush party, you say?

I knew it. Shameful.

Haven't seen them since though, truth be told.

Katy, you seen a Dyck or two?

That's a loaded question, big brother.

Hello, Katy.

Noah. Anita.

Katherine.

Lovely day.

What brings you guys by?

We heard out daughters were here and...

Charity and...

We'll take all the Charity Dyck you've got.

All the Chastity Dyck, too.

We want Charity and Chastity home

before they get swayed into a life of bad decisions, once.

They are free to decide whether

the English world is for them. That is their right.

But our Dycks belong in the hands of

the Mennonite community.

And we would like to gently

suggest to them that they return home with us

before they've been too exposed.

Well, the last I saw them, they were with hockey players.

(GASPS)

I offered to give them a ride home but,

they said that they wanted to walk.

We Dycks can be hard‐headed.

Hockey players have quite the reputation

for sticking their noses,

and other things, where they don't belong.

Can confirm.

Oh, dear. My goodness.

Good heavens. Heaven only knows.

Well, the good news is,

there's only a couple of places hockey players tend to hang out.

Yeah, the gym or the barn.

The barn? Oh, dear.

My goodness. Good heavens.

Heaven only knows. The hayloft.

Intertwined in breathy clusters.

Look, I should clarify.

The barn, as in the hockey rink.

Yeah, you're looking for two

puck heads drivin' a Tonka truck.

That's Reilly and Jonesy.

And Noah, please go ahead

and let us know if there's anything else we can do to help.

Wayne, our entire community thanks you for your kindness

as you've shown us here this day, once.

Well,

it looks like a couple of Dycks.

Oh, hello there, Daniel.

Haven't seen you in the age of a dog.

Well,

until soon.

Goddamn Schmellies.

Whoa.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)

And a good day to ye both.

I'm Noah Dyck, with a "Y."

And this is my wife. Anita Dyck.

Ah, that's Jonesy.

That's Reilly.

Hello.

Sorry to bother you, but we were wondering if...

Where are our daughters? Yes.

Dunno. Ditto.

Sorry for the confusion. It's just that Wayne

seemed to think you might have seen our Dycks.

Oh, those Dycks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Charity and, um...

The other one. Chastity.

Yeah. Yeah, it's all coming back to me now.

We, we, we met them.

But we didn't, like, meet them.

No, definitely never met them.

Well, have you seen them?

Not, like, seen them, if that's what you mean.

We're definitely not seeing your Dycks.

You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

No.

But I do know this. If I find out you're lying to me,

the wrath of an angry Dyck will leave a lasting mark. Once.

Well, maybe check the Dollar Store.

They may be dancing with the skids or something.

Thank you so much for your time.

Praise be to God. Praise be to Him.

Praise be to you. Praise be.

Well, blessed is the fruit.

May the Lord open.

ANITA: Must be a new translation.

What the fuck was that?

You almost blew it!

Charity! (LAUGHING)

You know, you guys have been around like, a lot.

The Dycks love the English world.

Yeah, but I mean,

the Mennonite world has its perks, too, I'm sure.

Just put a little English on a Dyck.

And we'll put a little Mennonite on a penis.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Dan, why do you hate Mennonites so much?

They're nice people, good workers.

They're great workers.

Good runners, too. Fuck, can they run.

They drive a hard bargain on the business side.

Yeah, can be a wee bit sheisty.

Oh, they run like the wind. Every one of them can run.

Tight with money. Great workers.

They'll show you a thing or two about good work.

They'll beat you in a race, boy. Fuck, can they run.

Just because I respects them don't means I can't hates them.

I'm gonna need a minute

with that. That was like a quadruple negative.

Well, how can you hate 'em? They're harmless.

That's what they wants you to think.

But deep down they're judgier

than Judge Reinhold and Judge Judy

watching Judge Dredds.

Oh, is that what they are?

I was fifteens at the time.

Is that what you were?

It was the Letterkenny Days picnic,

hottest day in July.

I believe yous were away at a balls tournament.

The Jeff Davies Memorial.

Jeff Davies was fast too.

Not as fast as a Napper, though. Fuck, can they run.

Anyhoo, it was the tater sack race.

I always hated them.

Burlap burns.

First prize was an ice‐cold glass of lemonades.

We lined up at the start line and looked across to

the finish line and there she was.

A little Schmellie, holdin' up the prize lemonades,

almost like a mirage.

That's my favorite all‐time chocolate bar.

We locked eyes and smiled.

Despite her broad shoulders, she was cute as a bug's horn.

Good runner, too, no doubt.

I was in first place coming down to the finish line,

like the wind.

So I guess you could say you had it

in the bag?

Hey‐o! Hey‐o!

I did.

When out of nowhere, this...

Schmellie in a sack...

No, I told you they were fast.

I'm the one who's been saying

this entire time how fast they are. Fuck, can they run.

He comes tearing up from behinds me,

knocks me over,

ass over teakettles.

Wasn't he disqualified?

No.

Well, Schmellies are sheisty.

Yeah, he should have been DQ'd

like a chocolate‐dipped cone.

So who was he?

Who's to say?

It all happened so fast.

I've never seens that Schmellie before or since.

Alls I know is I watched him

hop across the finish line upside down

and claim my prize.

Why was he upside down?

He wasn't.

I was.

I ates it.

Never got to the lemonade.

Never got to chats with her.

I never even seens her again.

But I'll never forgets her.

And guess who she was?

ALL: Who?

Lovina Dyck.

ALL: Lovina Dyck?

That's right, Lovina Dyck.

Younger sister of one Noah Dyck!

Yeah, I know who that is. Fuck, she can run, boy.

So you had a crush on a Schmellie?

I did.

And I had my hearts broken that day.

And ever since then

I have never trusted a Menno‐napper.

So, Lovina Dyck is the one who got away for Squirrelly Dan.

(CHUCKLES)

What if Dan ended up with a Schmellie?

And a Schmellie Dyck even?

Let's try and find a way

to never say Schmellie and Dyck in the same sentence.

I do often wonders

what's ever happeneds to her.

Fuck, can they run.

(RAVE MUSIC PLAYING)

(MAN BARKING)

(MEOWS)

NOAH: Whoa.

Hello unto ye.

I am Noah Dyck

and this is my wife, Anita Dyck.

How do you spell that?

Why, with a "Y," of course.

Sure you guys aren't dykes?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

We are hoping you can help us find our daughters.

How many do you have?

Two. Oh.

A pair of Dycks. Stewart! (LAUGHS)

Your Dycks are not our responsibility.

Stewart!

Maybe we have done awful things to them

and they're sleeping it off in our tenement right now.

But they'll dance again.

Dance is a vertical expression of a horizontal intention.

And I will urge you to never let your intentions be known

in the presence of mine wife ever again, once.

Why?

I bet she's...

Menno‐tight.

Care to explore each other

while the Menno‐night is still young?

Anita Dyck!

Watch what you say, please, with your pink mouth, once.

STEWART: Ow!

On the day of judgement,

He will gather all nations,

separate the sheep from the right

and goats on the left.

Which are you, sheep or goat?

(VOICE GAGGING)

Sheep or goat?

Goat!

Goat? Where are my daughters?

(HORSE WHINNIES) Names?

Uh, Charity Dyck.

(SNORTS)

Bless you. And Chastity Dyck.

I've not seen a Charity Dyck.

I've no use for a Chastity Dyck.

Good. Yous are pure sinful.

You Dycks appear firm.

In your beliefs.

(GIGGLES) Stewart!

Ow!

Ask Glen! He knows everything that goes on in Letterkenny!

Get gone, goats!

(WHIMPERS)

(HISSES)

(BLEATS)

Why, it's a good thing you stepped in when you did, once.

I was on the verge of getting rather cross.

Boys. Boys.

Grab a rake, tidy that gravel you've upset.

We need a favor, boys. A big one, boys.

What's the matter?

Are your Robert Munsch book reports overdue?

Thomas' Snowsuit or Moira's Birthday?

Angela's Airplanes or Stephanie's Ponytails?

Paperbag Princess was the best.

Oh, I liked 50 Below Zero.

What? Pigs was the best.

Oh, no, David's Father.

We don't have Robert Munsch book reports overdue.

But if I had to pick my favorite,

it'd be Mortimer.

I'd pick The Boy In The Drawer,

but only 'cause somebody

probably already picked Love You Forever.

Or my personal favorite...

I Have to Go!

No! This is serious, boys.

We had to call off our

takedown tourney with Ronsey and Daxie.

We got Dycks all over us.

Tragic.

Those Schmellies are shwarming us, boys.

Can we hide out here? Why?

Katy, I'll put this gently. All they want to do is bang.

They're Bangelina Jolie.

We feel like characters in a Bang Lee movie.

They need Banger Management.

And now you want to hit the Menno‐pause button?

They need more junk than a heroin addict.

All they want to do is make pound cake.

We're runnin' out of frosting, boys.

What's the matter, boys,

not enough wood to make the furniture?

Boys, the Mennonite has come to the end of the road?

They're Olympic‐level pole‐vaulters, buddy.

Ruthless on the uneven bar, bro.

They're the renegades of spunk.

Say jam, sucka.

And now you're too tired

to go all Menno‐night long, Lionel Bitchy?

Bonnet blisters on your birds?

Tappin' out from tappin'.

Bush league.

BOTH: Oh, there is bush...

League?

Beat it.

BOTH: Katy!

Fine. Go up to my room.

BOTH: Thanks, Katy‐Kat.

Wait. You've said that before and it was to go bang.

And like we said, we definitely have bang‐overs. But if you...

Go.

So, you wanna do...

You wanna, like, do some sex or...

Or...

Go!

They just parked the Jeep in the driveway.

That is a new level of not smart.

Should we move it? Nah.

How are they ever gonna learn

if we don't let 'em crash and burn?

Do yous guys thinks that all Mennonites have a hankerings

for frequent intimate relations?

I'm gonna go ahead and give you the answer

I can only assume you're hoping for, Dan.

Big time.

They are good workers.

WAYNE: Fast runners, too. Fuck, can they run!

Hello? GLEN: Hello.

Hello? Hello?

Hi, y'all.

Sorry to interrupt your worship.

Ah, don't be silly, Noah.

I was just praying to Jesus's Mother, so the more the Mary‐er.

What is the mat for?

Oh, that's just me gettin' in a little exercise

while I commune with the Lord.

I call it Yo‐God.

Pretty sure it's gonna be a thing.

Now, I'm always excited to see a Dyck,

but two Dycks at once?

My cup runneth over.

To what do I owe the pleasure of getting double‐Dycked?

I, Noah Dyck,

am looking for my daughters.

They're on their gap year, once,

and we are fearful

that the hedonistic lifestyle

has captured their imaginations.

Ugh, preach. I know all about it.

You do? Well, of course I do.

My parents were both in missionary positions in Africa.

So, on my gap year,

I ran away and joined an

all‐male period revue about dolphin poaching,

called Master and Baiter.

Yelp reviews included, "It's fin‐tastic,"

and, "A performance with porpoise."

Honest to pod?

(LAUGHING) Noah!

Honest to cod.

(ALL LAUGHING)

One meanie on Yelp, however, wrote,

"Will this every dol‐finish?"

But I didn't care because a buddy of mine and I

made a blowhole we were both super proud of.

Have you seen our Dycks or not?

Anita Dyck, full stop.

I have not.

However, here's a thought.

Go to the farm and ask Wayne,

because I know if I was a teenage girl,

and I'm 80% sure that I am not,

that's exactly where I would go to get my gap filled.

(CARRIAGE APPROACHING)

NOAH: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Here I stand...

Dyckless.

Is that the Jeep

that belongs to those two sleeveless ne'er do wells?

Um... Noah, Anita.

As you mentioned previously,

we've always been honest with each other.

God rewards honesty, once.

God is the way, the truth and the life.

Those two nut sacs are in the house.

Wayne! Katy!

If anyone in town was missing a kid or a cat,

Nappers'd be the first ones knockin' offering help.

It's only right we pay that forward.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto.

A golden.

Wayne's right.

Might as well come out, boys. The jig is up.

God help you both! Anita Dyck. Anita Dyck.

Dycks, please!

Now we've all done things

in our younger years that we later regrets.

What didn't kill us, perhaps it made us stronger.

If it was a bad time,

maybe it led to a good story.

Sometimes even both.

But these young fellas was just being young fellas.

You can't faults 'em for that.

Just like your young gals was just being young gals.

Curious. Experimentals.

Super bendy.

Gumby bendy.

That's enough of... Anita Dyck. Anita.

Tongues are like Aces, boys,

you gotta know when to hold 'em.

My point is there's also

things we regrets in life that we didn't do.

This is one time in my life I don't need a sermon, Daniel.

Anita Dyck, let's listen with our heart on our sleeve.

For examples, I regrets not telling your sister...

She's Lovina Dyck.

Yes, no, I know. I know who your sister is.

And I regrets not telling

your sister, Lovinas Dycks, that I was sweet on her

all them years ago.

I let my foolish pride gets in my way.

Well, Dan, I had no idea.

Although, it makes perfect sense.

She's a wonderful woman.

With a heart as big as her shoulders are broad.

But I'm confused, once.

What does this have to do with our tiny Dycks?

Well, I'm quite sure that your daughters are gonna regret

exchanging bodily fluids with these young fellas less

than I regrets not letting

Lovina Dycks knows I was sweets on her.

Wanna know what, Squirrelly D? I'm really rooting for you here.

But you can go ahead

and summit Mount What's Your Point any time now.

So, you likes to drive a hard bargain.

Yeah, Nappers are a wee bit sheisty.

Here's mine.

If you lets this go,

I'll bring your gals to ya.

I seen 'em ups town not too long ago.

But once I bring 'em to ya,

you've gots to brings mes to Lovinas Dycks,

so we can have a long overdues conversation.

And maybe then all of us can gets some closures.