Original subtitles

You're havin'... Dary?

Breh‐fekst. Atta boy.

...with your pals the other day.

You wearin' perfume, bud?

Perfumes is for womens, good buddy.

He's wearin's the cologne.

It's actually an eau de toilette.

Eau de toilet. Eau de dew‐dah‐day.

What's the difference?

Well, a cologne is about seven's percent's aromatic essence

that dissolves in alcohols.

Whereas an eau de toilette is 10% aromatics essences.

There you go. An eau de toilette like this

will evaporate from your skin pretty rapidly.

So, you're gonna wanna load up on it.

You could still take a good 23 to 27% off'er, bud.

You never wears too much perfumes, Miss Katy's.

And that's what I appreciate's about you's.

Let's not. DARYL: This eau de toilette is

enchantingly refreshing on summer days like this.

That may the softest thing you've ever said, Dary.

No, it isn't. What is?

"I can't stand harsh metals against my skin."

They give me a rash.

Oh, I love's pancakes.

ALL: Thank you, ladies.

These are actually crepes.

Pancakes with a French spin.

What's the difference?

Pancake batter has a rising agent in it.

Baking powder. There you go.

It makes them thick and fluffy.

Crepe batter doesn't have a rising agent in it, so they're thinner.

Ch‐ch.

All's I know is that these would be great with some Elmira's maple syrup.

You's two's could open up a crepe shop with these.

Wanna know what? I already told her that.

We call it, Planet of the Crepes.

Crepe Canaveral.

The Crepe Crusader. Crepe Winslett's.

Do the Carpets Match the Crepes?

The Crepe of Things.

Date Crepe. DAN: I don't know about that one.

It's Crepes on a Date. Get your mind outta the gutter.

The Great Es‐Crepe.

Crepe Fear. Sex, Lies and Video Crepe.

Sadako and the Thousand Paper Crepes.

Great book... It's actually pronounced "krep."

Yeah, you guys kind of butcher our language.

Well, to be fair...

To be fair‐ah... To be fair...

To be fair‐ah...

To be fair‐ah...

there's folks in France who think you's guys butcher your language. So...

ALL: Ooh!

Who gives a crepe!

Wanna know what? There's pretty good ones for "krep" as well.

Johnny Crepe. Holy Crepe.

Total E‐Crepes of the Heart.

Crepe Up, starring Channing Tatum.

Crepe Up 2: The Streets.

Crepe Le Pew.

Le Creppaneur. I'd have a Crepsi‐Cola.

Rips, Crepes, Revelations!

Crepititis.

Oh, jeez, I don't knows about that one.

Will you get off my dick today?

Led Creppelin.

You know, if I keeping eatin' all these crepes...

I might get a crepe worm.

(LAUGHS)

Like a... it's like...

it's like a tapeworm, but it's having the...

No. Nope.

Wish you weren't so fuckin' awkward, bud.

Breakfast.

Atta boy.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

'lo? Oh, it's Stewart! He's in trouble...

Who was that? Skid.

Hello. It's Stewart! He's in tr...

Who was that?

Skid.

Ahoy, hoy... Stewart's in trouble!

Call me first, next time.

He's deh...

Isn't he sober now?

Yeah, but he... he's... he's... he's... (WEEPING)

Slow down. He's... he's... he's... (WEEPING)

Breathe, Roaldy.

(SOBBING)

Healing? Dealing!

Dealing? Shocker.

(SOBBING)Yeah. There's another deh... and he...

and he said he's gonna kill him.

Okay. Well, stop deh‐healing and come home.

He won't... he won't!

Why not? Because he's a vigi...

he's a vigilante!

Fuck sakes.

Okay. We're coming. No... yeah.

No, we're not. Yes, we are.

No, we're not. Yes, we are.

No, we're not. Dan, get off my dick today.

Sorry, Miss Katy's.

What's the problem, Wayne?

You don't wanna go to the SPCA and play with the dogs?

Oh!

What's the matter, Dary?

You don't wanna go to the food court in the mall

and get a little of everything to create the perfect meal?

Oh!

And Dan, if, you get off my dick,

we'll play Big Buck Hunter HD 42‐inch wild

in one of the Donnelly bars.

Robin Hood...

pop culture's most beloved vigilante.

Boisterous.

Rebellious.

Unstoppable.

Just like me.

Katy and the hicks are coming here

and they're gonna take us home.

No‐ah! Yes‐ah!

No‐ah! Yes‐ah!

"No" what?

He said, "No‐wah"!

We keep drugs safe.

It's not supposed to be safe. It's drugs!

(GASPS)

You don't relish being a vigilante, Roald?

This is the third note stuck to the door this week!

Mmm. The grammar's atrocious.

Exceptionally odious.

That's what makes it scary.

They're too hardcore to proofread.

Hard corny. (CHUCKLES)

You're so fuckin' funny.

If they don't take the edifice of their letter seriously,

why would I take their threat seriously?

One mistake is enough for you to ignore the angel of death?

Two. Two?

Two mistakes! In two sentences.

Your, versus, you're, y‐o‐u‐apostrophe r‐e,

is so fucking basic it's embarrassing.

If you want to say, "You are dead,"

which this fucking boob has cheaply attempted,

then you'd want use... you're.

Where is the other mistake?

Omission of the word "of".

(SQUEAKS) Oh, that may have been an intentional omission.

Sure, Roald. He's a man of exorbitantly few words.

So, my reply...

(SIGHS UNHAPPILY)

"Your threat is meaningless." Ooh!

Got good hands.

(GASPS, SQUEAKS)

Stick that on the door!

Roald, I would like to speak with Stewart privately.

Oh...

(SMACKS) STEWART: Ow! Again!

Dream notch on the bedpost, boys. Go.

Dead or alive? Either.

Go. Terry Fox.

Good one. Great one.

Do you know how much ass Terry Fox would get if he was still alive?

He could start with mine.

Ronzy. Go.

Gretz. God.

Good one. The great one.

Reilly. Go.

Gretz. BOTH: Get out.

Paulina.

BOTH: Gotcha.

Get it. Jonesy.

Go. Grande.

Ariana. Graceful.

Glorious. Gracias.

SHORESY: Ariana Grande looks like she's eight, tit‐fucker.

I'm givin' the pre‐school your plate numbers.

ALL: Shoresy?

And Gretz's daughter's a married woman, you classless piece of shit.

She wouldn't fuck you if you had

Mario's dangles and Messier's dick.

ALL: Fuck you, Shoresy!

Fuck you, Daxi.

You wouldn't know what to do with the great one.

He fires bigger rockets than Elon Musk.

Oh, fuck you, Mary‐Anne.

Fuck you, Ronzy. You're a marathon of dope.

Terry Fox ran 3400 miles

in a 143 days on one leg.

If he were alive, he'd be gettin' handy's from Hiltons and Hadids.

Fuck you, Betty‐Anne.

If Terry Fox was alive,

Gisele would be sliding into his DM's from Patriots' games.

Fuck you, Mary‐Anne!

If Terry Fox ran 143 days

he smashed 143 broads

and that's probably fuckin' light.

ALL: Fuck you, Shoresy.

If Terry Fox was alive he'd have an interview show like Seinfeld.

You mean, Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee? Yeah.

But it'd be called Canadians in Cars Getting Blow's.

MARY‐ANNE: If Terry Fox was alive

he'd be smashing J‐Law and J‐Lo on Scar‐Jo's boat.

He'd be boatin' with Kylie Minogue.

Let's get some fuckin' gyozas.

ALL: Fuck you, Shoresy!

Gimme a high five...

Oh, gimme a high five right there.

The city is not looking so bad right about now, eh, big brother.

WAYNE: Know what? I'm just happy to be alive

after sharing the expressway with city drivers.

DARYL: Boy, howdy.

Did you ever notice that every time you go to merge,

there just happens to be six in‐breds

merging at the exact same time?

Come off the ramp, get your fuckin' foot in it.

Yeah. And then ya got the wannabe Indie car drivers who have it right to the rug

who kinda fly's up behind you and kiss bumpers.

Like, what's your hurry's there Jimmy Hinchcliffe's?

Greg Moore was the greatest.

Oh, yeah, he was the fuckin' greatest.

What's their hurry? They've got a fuckin' brunch line to go wait in.

All right, well, what's the scoop here, Katy‐Cat?

We gonna go find Stewart or what?

Well, now hold on one fiscal minute here, Wayne.

Pizza, fries, sushis, Yogen Fruz.

I thought we were going to the food court.

Of course we are, Dary.

Szechuan, shawarma, stir fries, Five Guys...

We can't forgets about Colonels Cajun BBQs and DQs.

Well, there's no way we're missing Tacos and Quiznos,

Chipotle and Chick‐fil‐A.

Wayne, we're meetin' the skids at the club at around midnight.

That's still a good six calendar hours away, Katy. Simmer down.

Yeah, but I still have to go find something to wear.

Show these city girls what's up.

All right. Let's split.

You wanna know what? It's always so tough sayin' bye to the puppies.

Like they're so cute you almost don't want to.

That may be the softest thing you've ever said, big brother.

No, it isn't. What is?

"How come no one ever compliments me on my eyelashes?"

You're paraphrasing. You fuckin' know it!

Is that what I'm doin'? What I said was,

"I got real long eyelashes.

"But I'm surprised no one's ever noticed that."

Gimme a high five... high five...

(MIMICS DOOR KNOCKING)

Gae?

(MIMICS DOOR KNOCKING)

Roaldy. Look!

Oh, this is so agitating.

I know. I'm frightened.

I'm referring to the spelling and the grammar, Roald.

Gives me the coldest pricklies.

What have those wordsmiths assembled for us this segment?

(LAUGHS) How asinine!

They can kiss my asinine.

Oh, that ass is mine...

I'm frightened!

Yet another demeaning attempt to intimidate.

And this one even better. Yeah.

I'm pushing the panic button here, you guysers.

Don't be such a jellyfish, Roald!

My slow‐learning, seven‐year‐old brother

even knows it's, "If you're... y‐o‐u apostrophe r‐e,

there... t‐h‐e‐r‐e tonight...

Comma. No period.

It's "I‐t apostrophe s... on." Period.

I'd have chosen an exclamation point.

I think you're right.

Past notes haven't quite landed. Do you know what I mean?

Yes, sans duress.

They don't exactly have the tiger by the tail, do they?

Not exactly whipping the excitement up to a real fever pitch. No.

They are not. For a plethora of reasons.

This death note, presumably the final installment, it requires urgency.

Some sort of accent, I would agree.

The exclamation point guides the reader to approach it more threateningly.

Like, there's stakes there. Like, "It's on!"

Right? Exactly.

As opposed to a period. Because, if it's me... It's you.

I read it like... "It's on."

The period leaves the decision up to the reader.

It does suggest a more docile read.

There's no room for ambiguity in death threats.

Exclamation point?

Yes... Sex‐clamation point.

Oh... Go stick that on the door!

Alley‐yoop.

(SIGHS) Okay. Let's clean this shit up and go back in.

I need to find something to wear tonight. Get my hussy on.

Give me five calendar minutes to digest, and I'll join ya.

Oh, so you're looking to find a nice bench

to have a sit down outside a lingerie store, Dary?

I'd be looking for a sit down,

won't be no bench though. Be the throne then, Dary?

Porcelain one. Can confirm.

You should have a sits down in a public washrooms?

Surprised I'm not having a sit down in a public washroom right now.

You's would do such a thing's?

Faster than Greg fuckin' Moore.

How could ya, Dary?

How could you do such a thing's?

Public washrooms is disgusting.

Poo particles is literally's airborne's.

Oh, ceased mingling with the peasants again now, have we, Dan.

Won't find a more violent environments on the planet Earth.

Not for my money.

Not for my money either.

Oh, how's the weather up there in your ivory tower, Wayne?

Well, I'll go in, just won't have a sit‐down.

I'll rock one, like a good old boy. Not a monster.

Must be nice to have the option.

Well, I just get the giggles is all.

Ain't nothin' to giggle about in a cesspool of fecal matters and pee‐pees.

Sure there is. What?

Well... farts.

Ew. Well, there's nothin' funnier than a fart.

Except kids fallin' off bikes maybe.

Fuck, I could watch kids fall off bikes all fiscal day.

I don't give a shit about your kids.

DARYL: Oh, yeah, it's super funny.

You just be standing there, rocking a piss,

dude will come up next to you. Just rip a fart.

How is that funny? Dude droppin' his guts like that?

I take's exceptions to it.

Well, you're supposed to be standing there,

nobody'll say nothing, you'll be rockin' one, peacefully.

Then you just rip a fart.

It's not funny's. It's fuckin' hilarious.

What is your guys fascination with farts?

Well, you don't know him. He doesn't know you.

He ain't never heard one like that before.

Yeah, farts will never not be funny.

I will never not laugh at a fart.

There's even a courtesy aspect of it, too.

Ah, this should be interesting.

Well, like if you go into a public bathroom,

there's a guy in a stall,

he'll announce his presence to you.

Like how?

He's sittin' there and maybe he'll clear his throat.

Like... (CLEARS THROAT)

That's exactly how they do it, Dary.

They go... (CLEARS THROAT)

Why would he want to announce that he's having a sit down?

Well, the first sound you hear is not a fart.

He's prepping you for the acoustics.

And how is that courteous?

Well, let's say you're like me, you get the giggles.

From a fart? I get the giggles from a fart, yes.

You're in there, you're at the urinal,

you hear a fart, you giggle a wee bit.

Get shaking. Piss goes everywhere.

How do you think the pee's particles gets airborne's?

DARYL: It's weird,

'cause dudes will fart in front of each other any day of the week.

Soon as you get into a public stall,

want to announce their presence.

Make sure one doesn't sneak up on ya.

But it's a public bathroom.

You're supposed to hear those sorts of sounds.

It's just different in there, Katy.

It's more intimate. Come off it.

Some dudes want to announce themselves by sniffing,

which is not the right avenue.

Ain't nothin' in there you wanna be sniffin'.

No, I'm gonna tell ya. All right, come on, Dary. Let's go.

You guys should make some betters efforts to avoid bacteria's exposures.

Good hygiene is the only jeans that never goes out of styles.

Dan, I think that might be the softest thing you've ever said.

No, it isn't. What is?

Okay.

One time my perennials didn't come in for the second year,

and you knows perennials is exposed to live

more than two years.

So, I says,

"I'm so upset about my perennials."

KATY: Yikes.

Dary...

(FARTS)

(CHUCKLES)

Oy! Oh, girls!

We can help with this.

(SQUEALS) We don't want these dudes in the club either.

Thanks, but some hicks are coming from Letterkenny and they're taking us home.

(STEWART AND GAE MOANING)

Good luck getting him away from that.

Sounds like some of that good fuckin'...

Mmm. Mmm‐hmm.

(WHISPERING) There may be animals being harmed in there.

Listen to me. Some hicks from Letterkenny aren't gonna do it.

These dudes roll deep.

Take this shit seriously.

You're keeping us safe. Even though it's not supposed to be safe 'cause it's drugs.

And we appreciate it. But you're dealing on their turf.

They're not gonna stop 'til you're off it.

One way or another. They do not care.

Look at their spelling.

Dangerous grammar. Dangerous.

(WHISPERING) That's what I said.

GAE: Oh, my god, it's so big, Stewart!

Mmm. Hmm.

So, how's the take down tally, boys?

Yeah, boys. How's the tail town?

Undressin' and progressin' boys.

Workin' smarter, not harder.

You know what I'm talking about.

Yeah... How's the titty tally on your end, boys.

Suckin' some ya‐yas?

Come on, I get off on it. Yeah, you handlin' some knocks?

Took down an Austral‐Asian just last week.

How exotic.

Smashed an Indo‐Laotian two nights ago.

Festive. I know.

Ever smashed an Arctic‐Kuwaiti?

No.

Ever smashed an Ecuadorian‐Albanian?

'Course.

Ever smashed a Sierra Leonean‐Saudi?

No. Ever smashed a Sri Lankan French citizen?

Several.

You ever smashed a Uruguayan‐Israeli?

What? How about a Croatian‐Quebecer.

BOTH: Likely.

You ever smashed a Tibetan‐New Zealander? No.

How about a Moroccan‐Hong Konger? No.

Ever smashed a Cuban‐Uzbek? Come on.

You ever smashed a Maltese‐Congolese?

Boys, I think that's a dog.

You ever smashed a Baltic‐German‐Spaniard?

That's for sure a dog, buddy.

How about a Baltic‐Russian‐Iraqi?

You've for sure smashed a Peruvian‐Turk.

Everyone has.

Same way everyone's smashed a Welsh‐Nigerian.

Gimme a Swedish‐Philipinno for dinner.

And a Guatemalan‐Slovak for dessert.

Ah...

Gimme a Tamil‐British Virgin Islander, Ronzy.

Gimme a Kosovar‐Greenlander, Daxi.

I'm gonna gobble him all up.

We could be in trouble in this takedown tourney, buddy.

DAX: Gimme a Qatari‐Montenegrin, Ronzy.

Gimme a St. Lucian‐Luxembourger, Daxi.

I think we're in trouble, buddy.

I'm gonna fuck a Dutch‐Afghan!

I'm fuckin' a Falkland Island‐Serb!

I'm gonna fuck a Somali‐Chinese Mainlander!

I'm gonna fuck an Islamic‐Spartan!

BOTH: This is Islamic‐Sparta!

(TRANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(MOUTHING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Um, that was pretty fuckin' serious.

That was pretty fuckin' serious.

Bringin' weapons to a street fight.

Strike five fuckin' million against the city.

And a lot of them condo buildings

just looks like human storages to me.

Pretty fuckin' serious, skid?

Mortally fuckin' serious, hick.

It's time to come home, Stewart.

Can we leave now? No!

Train ain't comin' back, buds.

Stewart?

I said no‐ah!

Stewart, we gotta lay low for a while.

What about... You go your way. I'll go another.

It's best we split up.

What about the... Just...just for now.

I know what comes next.

Stewart... Gae.

(SQUEAKS) Stewart? Roald!

Why do you rebel?

I hate my parents.

And? I hate the world.

And...

I hate myself.

Get this guy a fuckin' Puppers...

(SOBBING)

It's not going anywhere any time soon.

No.

We'll rebel again.

All right, we need to split too.

Um, Miss Katy's? What?

Was I's able's to successfully's...

Stay off my dick today, Dan?

Yes.

And yes, you may. Gimme competition!

You know what? It's better with an even number.