Original subtitles

The dog gave you a wee bit of a scare the other day.

A stroke? That's what I said.

But he didn't have a stroke. That's what they said.

Why'd you thinks he was havin' a strokes?

Well, he was out layin' in the sun for a few hours,

when he came back up the house, his back end was all honey dick.

How so?

Well, it was like he was trying to walk and scratch himself at the same time

and his brain couldn't figure out which one to focus on.

So what did you do?

I said, "Oh, fuck, this is it."

Is that what you did?

I said, "Oh, fuck, you're getting the needle.

"Better get one ready for me, too."

He's okay, good buddy.

Oh, fuck, "If we're diggin' a hole,

"better dig a big one, I'm gettin' in there with him."

But it's all been sorted?

Oh, it's all sorted but I said, "Oh, fuck," Dary.

Yeah, we oughta leave this world behind. That's what I said.

You knew that he was on bladder meds for the last three weeks.

Fuckin' geezer.

And that he'd be passing the bladder stones sometime around now

and to expect some odd behavior,

you still go worst case scenario?

I said, "Oh, fuck, this is it."

And what was the verdict?

Passin' bladder stones.

Exactly. Just passing some bladder stones.

There a fuckin' echo in here, Katy?

I think he faked it.

Faked what?

A stroke.

Why would the dog fakes a strokes?

Gus faked a stroke so that he could go to the vet and get a thermometer up the bum.

Look, if you're comin'...

you better come correct.

Well, look how Stormy responds to a thermometer up the bum. Hates her life.

No time for a knuckler there either.

No time for a two‐knuckler.

There's no such thing as a three‐knuckler.

Which we've established.

Cito, too. Even the sight of a thermometer, send him scrambling.

Yeah. God help the vet tries to throw a knuckler up Cito's bum.

Vet might not get that one back.

What are you sayin' here, Katy?

I'm saying that Gus is...

Look, if you're comin'... you better come correct!

Gus is gay.

No, he isn't.

Yeah, he is.

No, he isn't.

Yeah, he is.

Have you ever seen him mount a female?

He's a gentleman.

But you've seen him mount countless males.

He'd mount the red‐hot tailpipe of a high CC quad. Katy, come off it!

What if he is gay? What's the big deal?

I don't give a fuck if he's gay.

Maybe you do.

Maybe you think that...

Just gimme a minute. Gotta let that...

Gotta let that marinate.

Hey, Dary, what if Gus was gay?

I don't give a fuck if he's gay.

Dan, what if Gus is gay?

Well, Professor Tricia's... I withdraw.

See, Wayne, Gus is gay. What's the big deal?

I already said I don't give a fuck if he's gay.

Well, that makes me very happy.

Just don't, uh...

Don't go sayin' that around McMurray. Why?

McMurray gets weird about that stuff.

How so?

Like, he's fine with it, if you're gay...

If you're queer.

Maybe he'd like to get honey dickin'.

He just, uh, gets kind of weird talkin' about it, is all.

How does he talk about it?

Well, he'll just get all uncomfortable, you know.

He'll be like, ahem...

"Uh, you know, if one of them come up to me and say, 'You're fuckin' cute, bud...'

"From what I said right from the start

"at the very beginning, 'I ain't one of ya.'"

That is about the best shit I've heard all day.

Ahem, "If they ever come up to me and say, 'Fuck, are you cute, bud.'"

"You wanna know what I said right from the start at the very beginning?"

"Yeah, uh, I... I love my wife. And you know, uh..."

Keep it away from me?

"No... not around me."

"Because, I ain't one of ya."

This is fascinating.

You know, Professor Tricia...

You know what, Dan? Enough!

WAYNE: "Ahem, I ain't one of ya.

"No, but, uh, yous got your street,

yous got your day and from what I'm told, yous are here to stay.

"Just keep it away from me, 'cause I ain't one of ya."

L.O.L.

"You know why? I don't really care, I mean,

"I don't like being told what to do myself there, either."

"Yous got your street. Yous got your day."

"Oh, boy, do I love my wife and, boy, she loves me."

"From what I'm told yous are here to stay..."

"Not anywhere near me."

"Ahem, I ain't one of ya, but, uh, you know, you can think I'm cute,

"but, uh, you know, you're a good enough guy,

"but, uh, I see we both like tight T‐shirts, but...

"We can have a beer, but nothin' else.

'Cause I ain't one of ya."

"Talkin' about, uh... You know, maybe, maybe you ever been to 'Pulco?"

"What you never been down 'Cun?"

"Ever been down to that 'Minican?"

"Ever been down Caico?"

"Gotta go down to Caicos, you never been to Caicos."

"Plenty of yous in the Florida Keys."

"Florida Keys, Florida for me's."

"Plenty of yous down Key West."

"I love the Key West... Key West is the best."

"Plenty of yous down Miami."

"Oh, hot jimmy‐don‐bobby, I been down to Miami."

You all right with it if the dog's gay?

Much told gays are here to stay. So...

Guess he does always spring that red rocket when he's up on your lap.

So that was in the cards.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(IMITATES SWIPING)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

Snipes.

Oh... snipers.

Hey, boys, quick row down? Yeah, quick pow‐wow, boys.

You guys sure you want your snipers just cruising in there unattended?

Chest puffer convention in there, boys.

Dudes walking around with watermelons under each arm.

Nothin' to worry about there.

Uh, no reason not to trust her 'til she gives you one, boy.

Wow, that's a mature approach, boys.

Thinking the game far beyond your years, boys.

You guys comin' to bush party tonight?

You bet. You?

The bush party we're hosting?

Yeah.

Perhaps.

Mmm... boys. Boys!

We got a bet going with Ronsy and Daxy...

Who can tally the most take downs.

That's a mature approach, boys.

Thinking the game far beyond your years, boys.

Mmm. All the college and uni tail home for the summer, boys.

Gotta get it while the getting's goodest and the goods about to get got, get it?

Got it. Good.

More to that.

The college and uni kids that are home

that have taken their fightin' skills to the city for a year,

they're thinkin' they're tougher than nails.

More to that.

There's a chest puffer in there

beaking about being the toughest guy in his college town.

And I think you know what that means.

Well, are you gonna tell me?

Well, if he's sayin' that he's the toughest guy in his college town,

college towns are bigger than our town

and that would also make him the toughest guy in...

BOTH: The toughest guy in Letterkenny. (FARTS)

Who's the toughest guy in Letterkenny? Here we go now.

Just givin' you a heads up.

More to that.

Suckers are fair game at a bush party.

Yeah, like, if you see a dude giving me the stink eye,

best just walk over there and sucker him.

Yeah, because he's likely thinking about suckering you.

Now you don't wanna get suckered.

Yeah, we know the rules at a bush party, boys.

All about the W's at a bush party, boys.

They don't ask how, they ask how many at a bush party.

Some chest puffer in there saying he's the toughest guy in Letterkenny.

How'd that work out for you, JB?

One's the loneliest number, bud.

Yeah, well, second place is first loser.

Lotta chin waggin' going on in there, eh? Yous ready?

You tellin' me I don't look it?

Heads on a swivel, boys. Use your peripherals.

Who the fuck are you?

Him or me, boys. Only rule of suckers.

Here we go now!

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

Holy shit, you just hop off a horse or were ya fucked up the ass?

(CAR ENGINE STARTS) Tough carrying around those watermelons all day, pheasant?

Enjoy the water weight 'til your creatine runs out, bud.

You're gonna look like someone stuck a fuckin' pin in ya.

Breathe, pilon.

You're gonna get fuckin' hemorrhoids.

Way to hustle, bro.

SHORESY: Fuck, you could cut the sexual tension over there with a knife.

Give your balls a tug, tit fucker.

Fuck you, Shoresy. Put a shirt on.

SHORESY: Fuck you, Reilly.

Go scoop it off your mom's bedroom floor for me.

She gives my nipples butterfly kisses.

Fuck you, Shoresy.

SHORESY: Fuck you, Jonesy.

Your mom shot cum straight across the room and killed my Siamese Fighting Fish.

Threw off the pH levels in my aquarium, you piece of shit.

Fuck you, Shoresy. Do you hear yourself?

Fuck you, Reilly.

Should have heard your mom last night,

she sounded like a window closing on a Tonkinese cat's tail.

Sounded like, "Ah..."

Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you, Jonesy.

Should have heard your mom last night.

She sounded like my great‐aunt when I pull a surprise visit.

She was like, "Oh..."

Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you, Reilly.

Your mom sneaky gushed so hard, she bucked me off the waterbed last night.

Don't tell her I was thinking about Jonesy's mom the entire time!

Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you, Jonesy.

Your mom ugly cried 'cause she left the lens cap on the camcorder last night.

It's fuckin' amateur hour over there! (FARTS)

BOTH: Fuck you, Shoresy!

That's it, Roaldy.

Just enough to turn it green.

I never thought I'd be able to put a wholesome spin on drug dealing,

but here we are.

GHB is the best party drug when used properly.

What's it like?

It's like the chattiness of good blow,

with the euphoric high of good M.

No way!

And half the come down. No way.

And you keep your appetite.

Dee‐lish.

Kinda just flail.

Ho‐lee.

But when used improperly, it's the date rape drug. Ew.

That's why we put green dye in it.

In case some financial district chauch

with contentious intentions tries to slip it into some girl's drink...

...she'll know.

I'd sure like to try it.

I like sober Roald. I like sober Gae.

STEWART: Gae...

Can't feel my legs...

Not as much as I like sober Stewart.

We'll go to the club at midnight.

ROALD: Sure thing, partner.

(MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

Make that 12:30.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

Nope.

And you better not be the ones

who have been crop‐dusting this place for the past half hour.

It's fuckin' gross.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

What are you doing?

I don't know, straw bales and barley.

Just between us girls?

(BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH)

I'm a little concerned about my electrolytes.

Feels like they're a little bit depleted.

You gotta stay hydrated.

Look, if your pee isn't clear, you're not hydrated.

Just gotta approach this thing like a marathon runner.

Throwin' so much hip in this sort of weather's a great way to get heat stroke.

Ever had heat stroke? No.

You don't want it.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I'm actually surprised to see you out here doing this.

Suppose you gotta find time for other things, though.

The day'll get away on ya.

You know, I don't mean to bring this up to your back door like this or anything...

No, no. If a friend asks for help, you help him.

I'm not complaining.

I know you better than that.

Just... just between us girls?

Just between us girls.

(IN ENGLISH) Girl talk.

Girl talk.

SHORESY: Whoever did that, that's fuckin' Timbits hockey.

That's Saturday morning tyke skills camp.

Hey, nice butt... Let's get some fuckin' bubble tea!

(PARTY MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey! We said watch our drinks.

BOTH: Fuckin' idiot!

I did! No, you didn't. Look!

Why are they green?

Because someone put G in them.

G's not green. BIANCA: Yes, it is!

DEALER: No, it isn't. ALY: Yes, it is.

And you shouldn't sell that stuff anymore. It's not safe.

It's not supposed to be safe. It's drugs.

It doesn't matter anyway. No one will buy it from you that way.

Let's go find who's selling the green stuff.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What?

Somebody else is selling in here?

Yeah. And keeping us safe. Some vigilante shit.

And when a girl asks you to watch her drink, watch her fuckin' drink.

BOTH: Fucking idiot!

(DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUMBLES)

(PHONE RINGS)

'Lo...

Of course I'll be there, it's on the property...

'Kay.

Chest puffer's coming.

Ch‐ch.

(INAUDIBLE)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

What... what's going on there?

Take downs, by the looks of it.

No. With the Amish girls.

No, they're not Amish. They're Mennonite.

What's the difference?

Mennonites can use cars and electricity. Amish can't.

Menno‐nappers.

Menno‐night riders.

Shmelly's.

They're in this period of their lives called Rumspringa

where they can just carry on like the rest of us for a while.

Call us the English.

Yeah. We're in the English world.

We've been called worse.

They can co to parties and be shit heads without any consequence from their parents.

They can still go home and have a bed to sleep in no matter what.

Why just let them go be shit heads?

Well, it's to help them decide whether or not they want to stay in the English world permanently

or go back to the Mennonite world and be with their families.

What's in the Mennonite world?

Whole lotta chorin'.

Great pride in community.

Generations and generations of inbreedings.

How many stay in the English world?

Few.

But some do?

KATY: Yep...

Some do.

(PARTY MUSIC PLAYING)

Roald! Stewart!

Has our modus operandi escaped you?

Stewart? Our M. O.!

Fuck emo.

Inconspicuous!

I'm to spit in this? Veil your transactions.

I'm down for trans action.

Keep your dealings disclosed, lest we be made manifest.

Are you guys sellin' the green G?

That's us! Shh!

Pleasure. This is some vigilante shit.

Grazie.

Wayne!

Who the fuck are you?

I'm the toughest guy in Letterkenny.

Ch‐ch.

Have an eye for suckers.

We got 'em.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)