Original subtitles

You were sippin' suds with your buds the other day...

WAYNE: Hey, Dary, real quick.

"Blank, lunch and dinner."

Breh‐fekst. Oh, boy.

Can I be honest with you guys for a sec?

Oh, careful, Dary.

DAN: I'd suggest everything you've said

up until now has been a lie.

And you've said lots of things.

Like, when someone starts a sentence

with "Don't take this the wrong way..."

Guess what? I already did.

Yeah, the same thing if people start a sentence

by saying, "You're gonna hate me for saying this..."

Guess what? I already do.

Or, when people start a sentence by saying,

"You're not gonna wanna hear this..."

Guess what? I already don't.

No, it's just an observation.

Well I'm curious as to know why you thought

it required a preface.

Well, because I'm aware of how it might sound.

Quit beatin' around the bush, Dary.

Yeah, Dary, I don't remember you been such an around‐the‐bush beater.

Oh, fine, now I'm not even gonna say it.

ALL: Say it.

The only thing worse than saying,

"You're not gonna wanna hear this,"

is when someone says they have something to say,

and they don't say it.

You're digging your heels in like a 12‐year‐old girl.

When in doubt, spit's it out.

Okay, fine, I'm gonna say it. Okay, here goes.

You know micro‐brewing?

Like, craft beer?

Yeah.

I always thought it was "craft beard,"

on account of the guys who make it always have beards.

So, it was all that for just this then, eh?

Thank you for inviting us into the circle of trust, Dary.

I believe the preferred term is,

"lumbersexuals."

Well, "craft beard" makes a pocket‐load more sense.

DAN: You know, craft beards doesn't really bother me.

But it's the clever wordplay that goes into the naming of it

that I finds hard to swallow.

Like, "So hoppy together,"

or "Barley breathing."

Now, why don't you just call them what it is?

It's fuckin' beer. "Beer and headlights."

Yeah. I'll contribute.

"Ale by comparison."

Stout and about.

Sounds actually pretty good, "Stout and about."

Stout and about's not bad at all, actually.

I'd drink some stout and about.

I'm surprised we're not drinking a stout and about right now.

I think what you wanna do is you wanna put

an animal in the name 'cause people love animals.

Like, "Cute Koala Cream,"

or "Happy Hamster Honey."

No, no. What you wanna do is you wanna put

a berry in the name 'cause people love berries.

"Partridge Berry Pilsner,"

or "Alderberry Ale."

Pleasing to the ears and the mouth.

No, Dary. Dary, no.

No, Dan. Dan, no. No, Katy. Katy, no.

What you're exposed to do,

is put something cozy in the names

'cuz people like being cozy, right?

Like "toque" or "mittens."

And then, if you really wanna double down on it,

you put something outdoorsy in the name

because people love being outdoors.

Like, "lake," or "mountains."

So what it's really gonna boil down to

is "Toque Lake Brew co,"

or "Mountain Mittens Alpine Ale."

"Blanket Fire Light." There you go, Dary.

The other ways to go is to use

a clever, but ironical statement.

Like, "I'm bitters."

See, I'd go suggestive.

Like, "Slip‐it‐in cider."

Katy. What?

Let's get this gal a fuckin' puppers.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Dary, have a shot? I'd have a shot.

Dan, have a shot? I'd have a shot.

McMurray, have a shot? (SLURRING) I'll have a shot.

Tyson, have a shot? I'll have a shot.

JB, have a shot? I'll have a shot.

Fuck, boys... let's have a shot.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

(CELL PHONE BEEPS) G'day?

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

(SPEAKS FRENCH) Et Jean‐Carl.

Et Jean‐Pierre.

Mes amis. (SPEAKS FRENCH)

Are you's up at your chalet in the Laurentians having a Laurentide, or what?

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

You know, you's got some pretty choice gins

there in Q‐bec. You ought to hammer on one of those.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Can do. (SPEAKS FRENCH)

What, like, a buck‐and‐doe?

(ALL SPEAKING FRENCH)

Numbers? (SPEAKS FRENCH)

Well, I happen to be sitting with the first team

all‐stars as we speak.

A bientot.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Who wants to go to a buck‐and‐doe in Q‐bec?

Stag‐and‐doe, I'll never say no.

A Jack‐and‐Jill, always a thrill.

Drink‐and‐dance till you shit your pants.

Love a good turn‐and‐stomp.

Love a sip‐and‐spin.

What's a sip‐and‐spin? Who the fuck are you?

A sip‐and‐spin...

Stag‐and‐doe...

Jacks‐and‐Jills...

Drink‐and‐dance...

Turn‐and‐stomp... Or a buck‐and‐doe,

is a pre‐wedding party thrown by the best man

and maid of honor

to raise money for the bride and groom's big day.

Oh, cool. Get the fuck out of here, dude.

In Winnipeg, they call them "socials." Can confirm.

You know, Winnipeg has a very large

Ukranian population.

Not too many people know that.

Hey, Jewish and Italian, too. Not too many people know that.

Whose gulp and grind is it?

Remember Anik?

Oh... (GROANS)

Well, that's why you gotta strike while the iron's hot,

big shooter. Another French gal that got away.

I can't catch a break.

Who's drivin'? Oh, fuck, not me, I'm hammered.

Dary, you hammered? Oh, I'm hammered.

Dan, you hammered? Oh, I'm hammered.

McMurray, hammered? (SLURRING) I'm hammered.

Tyson, you hammered? I'm hammered.

JB, you hammered? I'm hammered.

Fuck, boys, we're hammered.

And how's that for ya?

Well, it's not too bad for me,

but right about now it's not smart, really.

Well, I'm not missin' out on French boys.

Look, I'll drive, but I'm not fittin' all of youse in my truck.

Pete and Repeat.

Guys wanna go to a buck and doe?

Oh, fuck, yeah. I didn't even know

there's a drink and dance tonight.

How we not know about a swing‐and‐sway?

It's not here, it's in Quebec.

I got no reason to say no.

Let's slam some rheumy skin.

Let's get our meat smoked, boys.

Fire a little batch of Celine Dijon.

Let's go. Okay.

Good. You're drivin'.

(SLURRING INDISTINCTLY)

Hold your horses now, hold your horses. All right?

McMurray, how are you, now?

I'm a teensy bit concerned, Wayne.

How's that? What's the problem, McMurray?

Youse guys got some French pals

who want us English dudes

to go to their party in Quebec, right?

Right as Dan's jerk hand.

Right.

Except, youse gotta realize

that, in all likelihood, your French pals

probably have some French pals

who doesn't want us English dudes

to go to their party in Quebec. Right?

Left. Right.

Quebec damn near left Canada.

Separatism is alive and well in Quebec right now, mon freres.

Well, they just had the referendum

damn near yesterday. Mmm.

If, by "yesterday," you mean a quarter of centuries ago,

then, yeah, I can back that.

I said, "It feels like." No, you didn't.

Did, too. No, you didn't.

DARY: Did too. DAN: Did not.

See? The French is causing separation

separatism right here, right now...

Settle down, McMurray.

Alls I'm sayin' is,

if they're not happy to see me,

then I ain't pretending to be happy to see them.

You heard it here first.

When a friend asks for help, you help him,

and that's all there is to it.

Dary, you'll have a scrap? I'd have a scrap.

Dan, you have a scrap? I'd have a scrap.

Tyson, have a scrap? I'd have a scrap.

JB, you have a scrap? I'd have a scrap.

I don't even know what your fuckin' names are.

We'll have a scrap. Fuck, boys.

Let's have a scrap.

I'll have a scrap, too.

My terms are non‐negotiable.

This is gonna be a long drive. (CHUCKLES)

Wait up, sum'bitches.

(FRENCH MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoopsie Goldberg.

Hey, come over here and shake my hand, good buddy.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oh, it's Stompin' Tom. Is that fella Cock Quacin still bummin' around?

How's Jim Cutey and Micheal Bubbly?

About as good as Kim Mitchell, there, Cocket Richard.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Yeah, long live the hip.

Here we go now.

So you guys got Celine Dion

all cued up in there? What's the scoop?

We've got All‐anus Morissette.

(SLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Who are youse?

Excusez‐moi. Cute.

Jean‐Guy. (SPEAKS FRENCH)

(SPEAKS FRENCH) Jean‐Pierre. (SPEAKS FRENCH)

(SPEAKS FRENCH) Jean‐Carl. (SPEAKS FRENCH)

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

That's Anik. (SPEAKING FRENCH)

McMurray.

Yeah, I guess that makes me Jean McMurray.

(SPEAKS FRENCH) McMurray.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

I've been called worse. And Jean Daryl?

Jean Dan? That's Jean Squirrelly Dan.

I'm Jean C. Reilly.

I'm Jean Bons Jonsi.

Actually, my middle name's John.

You know, French people don't have middle names, right?

Anik.

Jean‐Claude.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Jean‐Lance.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

"Buck and doe."

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

He wouldn't let me invite English family to the wedding.

So I said we have to have a buck and doe so they could be included.

Well, how very charitable of you.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Wow, si, mon frere.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Youse go grab us a pint. I'll get the tickets.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Very good old boy. Oui.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

No girlfriend?

Pourquoi?

Oh, no, no, no. No, no. (LAUGHS)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Okay.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Okay.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Mo.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Very hot. Okay.

(LAUGHS)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

My niece. Beautiful.

But...

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Merci, monsieur... (SPEAKS FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Jean Claude... (SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

What is it? Drink it.

(ALL CHEERING IN FRENCH)

I'm gonna have a piss.

Throw a few darts first, maybe.

(MCMURRAY MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)

Jesus H! That is fucking good.

Sortilege. Maple‐syrup whiskey.

What a pairing! Mm‐hmm.

That's good. Isn't that good?

That's good. Isn't that good?

That's good. WAYNE: Isn't that good?

No, that's good. Isn't that good?

That's good. Fuck, boys.

That's good!

Fuck, boys. I'd have another round.

Next round's on us, boys.

(SPEAKS FRENCH) Let's go!

So what do youse guys do for work?

Jean‐Pierre works at Jacutsue.

And what about you, Jean‐Carl?

Uh, me? You know TD?

TD Bank? Huh?

TD. TD Bank.

Titty Bank? Yeah. "TD."

Titty Bank. Titty Bank.

TD Bank? TD Bank.

Huh? TD. TD Bank.

Huh? TD Bank.

TD Bank. TD Bank.

Huh? Come on.

TD Bank.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) TD Bank.

I wanna make sure I'm hearing this right.

"Titty bank"?

Titty bank.

Oui. TD Bank.

(MOUTHING INAUDIBLY)

I'm not happy.

No?

But it's your bock et biche.

I thought I was.

Planning the wedding was a nightmare.

And then, I saw you.

Titty bank?

So like, a rip club...

That's what I thought. (SPEAKS FRENCH)

TD Bank. (SPEAKS FRENCH) TD Bank.

It is "TD Bank."

ALL: Oh...

ALL: Tee‐Dee Bank.

BOTH: Yeah. TD Bank.

(TABLE RUMBLES)

(RHYTHMIC RUMBLING)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(RUMBLING CONTINUES)

Jean‐Guy, you have a scrap?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Jean‐Carl, have a scrap?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Jean‐Pierre, have a scrap?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

BOTH: I'll have a scrap.

Fuck, boys, let's have a scrap.

So what was all this talk about a titty bank?

Is it close by or...

MapQuest it? Or...

Should we get a motel, and stay the night, or...

McMurray.

Katy.

So you know? You hear that?

(FAINT RUMBLING)

Oh. That's the most aggressive two‐step I think I ever heard.

That's no two‐step. Huh?

It's showtime.

You must forgive me for not washing my hands... We gotta go!

Roger.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)

(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)

(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I told him I couldn't marry him.

Is that what you did?

I told him I was not happy.

Good enough.

I told him I was in love with an Englishman.

Good enough?

I told him I was in love with you.

(CHUCKLES)

That's good stuff.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Do you like to dance?

I fuckin' love to dance.

Let's go.

(FRENCH MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)

(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)

(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)

(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)

(FRENCH MUSIC CONTINUES)

(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)

(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)

(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)

(FRENCH MUSIC CONTINUES)