Original subtitles

Your pals found a package

that belonged to a coupla Degens the other day.

ALL: You're wrong, you're wrong you're wrong. WAYNE: Hey!

Where was it? Dollar Store parking lot.

Tell him whose it was.

Soupy Campbell's and Spider Creemanse's.

KATY: Argh.

Well, did you open it?

Nope. Popped in right back in the mailbox. Proper thing.

Shoulda opened it.

That just didn't feels right on accounts that it wasn't ours.

Well, by the rules of 'finders keepers,' it was yours.

So you shoulda opened it.

Yeah, it was our guyses by the rights.

I begs to differ.

Even though we founds it, it was still technically their guyses.

It was yours, fair and square.

With all dues respects, Miss Katys,

it was them fellowses, just landed in our guyses hands brieflys.

Hmm, I'm with Katy.

It was our guyses.

And now we'll never know what was in Soupy's and Spider's package.

That's what I said.

Looks, I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, "You guyses let yer consciences

"get in the way of something that was rightfully your guyses."

And you might be right. She's right.

Their guyses loss is our guyses gain.

There's something not right here.

Not pertaining to whose package it was, but just...

like the English language part of it

You guys keep saying, "Your guyses,"

and "Our guyses," and "Them fellowhases."

Okay, just, 'kay, you know what, 'kay,

what say Katy and I find a wallet.

Whose wallet is it?

Yours and Katyses. No.

Wayneses and Katy...ses.

It's ours. Correct.

Or Katy's and mine.

You know what, it kinda chaps my ass more than just a wee bit

when people use big words to sound smart.

It's far more smart and efficient

to use small words.

Save your breath for something more important,

like chorin' or toe curlin'.

Hmm, especially toe curlin'.

You know, I thinks I know what you'res insinuating at here, Wayne.

And I want you to know I take great solstice

in working through all the conflictions that come

from the King and Queens language.

Shall I call you an ambleance, Dan?

Or better yet, a whambleance?

The library has a lots of choice literature

to help through your confliction, Dan.

Well, the lie‐berry's is full of choice laterature.

Irregardlessly...

expresso.

Ooh, now that one's so wrong, it might as well be right.

In any event,

the decision on what happens to the package,

is Darylses, and Danses,

not mine and Katyses.

But you did the right thing, Dan.

Well, thank you. I appreciate yer support.

Sssss.

Hey, have you ever seen that movie,

There's Something About Mary?

Bet you didn't know they're making a Canadian version. Yeah.

It's gonna be called, There's Something About Marie.

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Guys by applause, who agrees with me on this.

Women are like cats.

Men are like dogs, right?

Oh, yeah, case in point.

There's your waitress, everyone.

Meow. (SLIGHT CLAPPING)

MAN: Yeah, Bonnie.

Don't forget the tip.

Actually, you should give her more than just the tip,

tip her on her back and smash her, yeah!

(MAN BANGS TABLE) Oy!

How about I tip you on your back and smash you

with a rusty rebar,

until you apologize to my sister,

you shitty fuckin' citiot.

I'll smash you too that' all I know.

Okay, what's your problem tighty‐whitey?

Jeez, it's like Mr. Clean shopped at Baby Gap, right?

You're gonna be shopping for a new suit at the morgue

unless you take a log off that fire, pussy!

(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

Yeah, all right, settle down, Olaf from Frozen.

You forget that shirt in the dryer for three years

and now, it's cutting off all the oxygen to your brain.

Settle down, you can breathe.

Get the fuck of the stage.

CROWD: Yeah.

Hey, hey, okay,

here's one for ya, uh...

why did the chicken cross the road? Why?

To get the fuck out of Letterkenny.

This place fuckin' sucks!

CROWD: Boo.

Oh, yeah. Nice. What am I suddenly in LetterKenya?

You guys run fast.

Wow, I thought you guys would appreciate that.

It's racist, just like you.

Okay! Thanks very much, Letterkenny. (CROWD BOOING)

This has been the exact opposite of fun.

Too bad the show wasn't in Betterkenny,

'cause you guys are the worst audience ever!

(CROWD BOOING)

No, you suck.

Here's some chicken, funny man.

What the fuck?

MCMURRAY: This is a real place. You think this is easy?

Think it's so fuckin' easy. Why don't you try it yourselves?

REILLY: What's up boys?

What's up, tank top?

Aw, looks like you guys could use a bit of a tune‐up.

Yeah, summer shape is slip sliding away, boys.

You're letting yourselves go a little bit, eh?

Getting ready for the SAG awards?

Hmm, you two are going to be the rollsiest, pollsiest,

Letterkenny Irish ever seen boys.

Rollsiest of the pollsiest, ferda.

What are you fuckin' blind?

The fuck are you smoking boys?

Looks like you buys can use some cross‐fit.

That's squat's up.

Wait, you dick farmers work here, now?

Oh, more like Celebrity Endorsers.

Get the Celebrity Endorphins going.

Celebrity Enforcers. Uppin' memberships,

droppin' shoulder dips.

Gettin' yolked boys?

REILLY: You guys want a free trial?

We put the abs in absolutely free.

Full body workout, abso‐glutely, bro.

Crunch and munch, boys.

Crunch then brunch, boys.

Play the cards you're dealt.

Chuckin' tires and muscle fires, boys.

It'a cardio day.

BOTH: Fuck cardio.

Why would we get training from you?

You look like our before pictures.

Squat's the matter, are you chicken?

(BOTH SQUAWKING)

MCMURRAY: Wayne... WAYNE AND MCMURRAY: How'r you...

MCMURRAY: We're good, man. Not so bad.

Look, I'm getting real sick... MCMURRAY: One time...

You go...

Get after it. All right. Ahem.

The lovely Mrs. McMurray and I have been doing some very serious thinking.

Maybe we should try it ourselves.

Stand up comedy?

Or something similar.

Well, to be fair...

(SINGING) To be fair...

(ALL SINGING) To be fair.

To be fair, it's likely pretty tough sledding up there, for a stand‐up comedian.

That comedian was a joke.

(LAUGHING)

Well that's a good one, big hos.

Thank yous. Let me put it this way, okay,

I was this close to making that stand‐up comic

a lie‐down comic.

I don't get it.

Well, I'm just saying that

I was thinking about whoopin' his ass

and so I imagined

he would have been lying down had I done that.

Well, see there you go, point and proof

you're up there trying to be funny like a nut sack,

if nobody gets your shit, you're hooped like him.

So... So can confirm it's pretty tough sleddin' up there

for a stand‐up comedian.

Ah, okay. I get it.

Could use a little work.

Point for test‐driving it though.

In any event... In any event...

In any event, we should host our own talent show.

That's not a bad idea.

How're we gonna get the word out?

Ah, you can put it on your fuckin' Facebooks, likely.

And whos will be preforming at this events?

Who wouldn't, that's the question.

The fuck else is there to do around here.

Jimmy Dickens should host. So we just need judges and a few more acts.

Well, I'll judge and so will he. Why?

ALL: Born to judge, bud.

All right. There's our judges.

Now we just need a few more acts.

Would you be needing a joke smith for this esteems affair?

'Cause I've always wanted to try my hand at stands ups comedy.

And I've often wondered how those courageous souls makes it work.

Salt of the earth people, stand up comedians.

For the most part. You're in.

That leaves you, Daryl.

Got any special talent you'd like to share with the class?

Oh, I don't know.

I'd be half scared to get up there.

That means you'd be half excited too.

Well, we could make first prize

$100 bar tab at MoDean's if that colors the water any different for you.

He's in.

Good 'nuff. Good 'nuff.

Good 'nuff. Good 'nuff.

Good 'nuff. Good 'nuff.

Good stuff.

Wayne? Dary?

What'd you get me into?

It's time to get back on the horse, bud. Oh, no.

No, I took that horse out the back side of the barn.

Put her down for good. And for good reason.

Are you forgettin' where you come from?

'Cause it sounds to me like you're forgettin' where you come from.

Are you forgettin' your roots?

Your line‐dancing lineage is legendary.

You will find no finer liners, Dary.

Aunt Doreen made it to sectionals.

I was not given that gift.

Aunt Doreen could have gone to provincials.

Some say she could have gone to regionals.

If she had lived in the States, she would have gone to state.

Oh, how she'd have won state.

She'd a took state.

If it hadn't have been for... She didn't have the...

If it weren't for the... ALL: ...bum leg.

Buerger's disease.

Was it Buerger's? Yes.

Buergers.

Didn't she get treated at the Mayo Clinic? Yes.

She got her Buerger's treated with mayo.

Did she do that to ketchup to the competition?

Did she ketchup? Yes.

And despite her Buerger's,

she never beefed with anyone.

She relished a challenge.

That was a challenge that she relished.

Mustard up the courage.

She worked her buns off.

She worked the buns off her Buergers.

No cheesy moves. Lettuce all be inspired by her.

She lettuce. No hot‐dogging.

Just Beurgers.

The point is,

if Aunt Doreen can do all that with a gouty gam,

you sure as shit can line dance in Letterkenny.

I guess you're right.

If Aunt Doreen can do it with a shitty stick,

then I can probably get up on stage at the talent show

for Aunt Doreen. The thing is, I just

wished I had your guyses confidence.

Or Fred Astaire's.

‐es.

Hey, guys, I was over at Gailers. How's Gailer?

You know, usual. Upbeat and horny.

Who's your guys favorite stand up comedians?

Mark Forward.

Dave Chappelle. Steven Wright.

Why? Who's yours?

Oh, big fella. Hell of a storyteller.

Handsome as the day is long. Can't remember his name though.

Good guy? Great guy.

I'm glad to hear he's a good guy, at least. Anywho...

I was wondering if I could get your guyses opinions on something.

Okay. I've been working on my stand up act.

My style's going to be observationals comedy.

Pretty much I'm just going to make observations about days‐to‐day life.

You wants to hear one? Sure.

All right.

Did yous ever notice

when you goes to the gas station and there's a line up

you always picks which vehicles to waits behind and,

and the other fellas whats you didn't get behind

is always done first?

Always happens every time.

Kind of makes a fella wonder.

Don't it?

Yeah, that's a choice observation, Squirrely Dan.

Yeah, that happens sometimes.

All right. All right.

Let me try's another one. Did you ever notice

you're at the grocery store and you picks a cart what with to do shopping with,

you always seem to grabs the one that got the squeaky wheel.

It almost happens every single time, every time.

Kind of makes a fella wonder...

don't it? Yeah.

Yeah, I just needs to cook up a few more of these, and I'm in business.

Yeah, yous never know.

You're letting gravity win these days, boys.

No more man cans. No more puddin' pecs.

No ifs, ands or guts.

So, let's gut going.

First things first, you're gonna reach your arm up

as high as it will go touch that ceiling.

Higher than Ariana Grande doing a Mariah Carey cover.

I told you, it's cardio day.

BOTH: Fuck cardio.

Goddamn it.

Gotta crack a snappy for the Winstagram, buddy.

Yeah, couple of pickies for the chickies.

JONESY: Gymstagram, bro.

REILLY: Instapicks, instachicks.

Gotta provide people with proof you're pressin' pounds,

otherwise what's the point? Am I right?

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Welcome Letterkenny, to the first ever Letterkenny Talent Show.

Round of Applause.

How many people are we looking at here?

We got 20 little people over here. We're looking at 25, 25 little, lotta people

lookin' away. Lookin' 25, we got 30 little people over here.

Doop, dee, doop, dee, dee doop do theme song.

Let's check in with our judges to see what they're looking for.

First up is Katy.

Hey, Jim, um...

You know, I guess I'm just looking for something that I've never seen before.

This is hour opportunity, Letterkenny. Tonight it's your stage.

Couldn't have said it better myself, if I tried, 5‐6‐7 times,

how about 8? Okay, I'll take 8. How about 9 times?

Now we're looking at 10 times. How many times should I have tried before I died,

maybe 13.

Last up is Wayne. What are you lookin to see here, tonight, Wayne?

Don't fuck it up, bud. There you have it.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Well, it's time for our first act of the night.

Here to perform a monologue from her favorite movie,

Gladiator. It's Gail.

I do apologize.

This is a monologue from Gladiator,

"XXX Glad‐he‐ate‐her."

Lingus, you barbarian.

Let your Italian hands,

Rome all over my body.

(GRUNTS)

You're such a gifted orator.

Unsheathe your sword.

I implore you.

Spare me you dick‐

tator.

Oh, I'm about to Climaximus.

Oh, oh, what

we do in life echoes in eterni‐tittiees.

Ah! Oh.

(SOUNDS BUZZER)

Well, that was bang on.

Even better than the movie.

Thanks.

(CLAPPING)

This one's for you, Barbara.

(PLAYING UKULELE)

(SINGING) ♪ Love is a feelin'

♪ That goes deeper with time

♪ From the first whisper In the morning ♪

(MAN COUGHING)

Want me to start over?

(MAN IN AUDIENCE COUGHING)

Sneezus Christ, Ebisneezer Scrooge!

What! Somebody got a life threatening dissneeze out there!

Huh?

We finally got some class up here after Gail's little strip sneeze

and then now look what happens!

Look at it!

God, am I speaking Canton‐sneeze up here!

Do I need to get down on my sneeze and beg?

Huh? You take that garbage

over‐sneezeand order yourself some Chi‐sneeze cuisine,

before I go Hercu‐sneeze up your asshole.

Carpi diem. Sneeze the day.

Yes!

It's fuckin' embarrassing.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

GLEN: Now I know you all know the Salty Treats.

We got together and formed ourselves a Christian post alt‐rock

emo super band. And we are called...

My Tattered Journal.

(SINGING) ♪ I wanna be close to Christ

♪ Why, n... why

♪ I wanna be close to Christ

♪ And why...

♪ N'why...

Is he singin'...? Yeah.

♪ Touch me...

♪ Is it Christ?

♪ Oh why?

♪ And I will touch me...

♪ Is it Christ?

♪ Oh why? Oh, why?

♪ Oh, why, oh why?

♪ Oh, why, oh, why, oh, why? ♪

(BUZZES)

Cut.

Glen? What?

I was just wondering, where exactly do you want Wayne to touch you?

Where do I wan...

Where do I want Wayne to touch...

My spirit.

What else would I mean?

Well... Don't answer that.

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREAMING)

(BUZZES)

What the actual fuck was that Stewart?

Scream therapy juxtaposed against self‐expression from the streets.

You've just witnessed the new genre of dance

that's about to slit through the Saudi‐Samoan, Estonian, Scandinavian, Istanbullian

Sri Lankan, Swiss, Saharan, Southern State sub underground city streets!

It's called...

(YELLS)

...ache dancing.

And now, for our second set.

(BUZZING)

(SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING)

SANTA: Oh, you're a little rascal, aren't you, little girl.

Oh, oh, am I in twouble Santa?

(SEXUALLY) I've been a really good girl, this year.

(BOTH SEXUALLY GRUNTING)

SANTA: Uh, you've been a naughty girl. (MRS. MCMURRAY SQUEALS)

You need a bare bum spanking like this.

MRS. MCMURRAY: No! No. SANTA: yes, yes,

you've been naughty. You have been so naughty.

You little (MUMBLING) thing.

...and bury my jingle balls. (BUZZES)

What the fuck, Wayne!

These costumes weren't cheap.

Doing you a favor before you had to get 'em dry cleaned.

Well, we're still gonna need 'em dry cleaned, don't you worry. (LAUGHS)

... in a little role‐playing isn't it baby...

(BUZZING)

(UPBEAT GYM MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, snipers.

Who squat, when, where, why, snippies?

Cardio day.

BOTH: Fuck, cardio.

So you think that we could get some training?

Oh, for sure. The most important thing is to get a high angle.

It makes your eyes pop and your eyebrow game on point.

You ladies know your angles?

If you don't provide people with proof that you're pressing pounds, what's the point?

I meant cross‐fit training. From them.

I mean, yeah, sure, if you want to start with beginners.

Dip your toe in the water before you commit?

Start soft, makes sense.

Those fellas will show you the ropes, literally.

REILLY: More satisfied customers, buddy.

See what happens when we work the celebrity endorphins, buddy?

REILLY: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Appies and ales, wheelin' some tails.

You bet. BOTH: Ninja dust.

(CROWD LAUGHING) Oh, calm down, everybody. Calm down.

Now did, did you ever notice...

lineups at the Dollar Store is gettin' longer. Like, I just stopped in there to get

a candy bar the other day. I'm stuck waitin' three hours behind Mrs. Henderson

buying a whole kitchen sink.

(CROWD LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

MAN: It's true.

Kinda makes a fella wonder.

Don't it?

Did you ever notice...

overalls don't breathe very good.

I get so hot out this summer I'm afraid I'm gonna steam

the wrinkles out of my ball sack.

(MAN SHOUTING)

Kinda makes a fella wonder.

I like when he does that.

Don't it?

Oh, and did yous ever notice,

Glen over here is wearing his glasses again.

What's the matter over there Glen?

You got poor eyesights?

Dan, I sure do.

Last winter, Gail got me Lasik, but it didn't take, so...

I didn't say it was your fault.

I didn't ask you for your life story, Glens.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

But it kinda makes a fella wonder...

Don't it?

Thank you everybody that's my time.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Judges, a few...

a few thoughts on Dan's act. I thought it was good, good, good, so good, we're looking

at great, so great, we're talking about unbelievable making me laugh. Katy?

Well, it was observational, as billed.

Funny, 'cause it's true, I guess.

Overall, not s'bad.

Thank you, Miss. Katys. I appreciates your assessment.

(LAUGHING) Appreciate it.

Wayne. Well...

Well, I liked it because

what I see, I understand.

Whereas everything else I've seen today

I don't understand.

I guess that makes you the fella to beat, Squirrely Dan.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hot dog.

I don't know what that means, it's probably not this,

but this was super easy.

DAN: You do sinkers and you tells people about it.

Have a good night. GLEN: Yay, for Dan.

Yay for Dan.

Time for our final act at the Met this evening.

This gentlemen comes from a long, long line of line dancers

and tonight he's here to dance for you.

Let's hear it for Daryl.

(CROWD CLAPPING)

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

( SWAMP THING PLAYING)

KATY: He's losing it.

WAYNE: All for show offs up there. Hang on there, good buddy.

Fuck cardio.

( SWAMP THING CONTINUES)