Original subtitles

>> O'Brien: TONIGHT ON

"HOT PACKAGE" -- OUCH!

TRAGEDY ON SET -- "HOT PACKAGE"

HAS THE HEART-BREAKING FOOTAGE.

>> YOU'RE ASKING ME.

I'M GETTING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

>> Roark: DON COSTELLO,

AMERICA'S FAVORITE FUNNY MAN.

>> Beckles: CONCERNS ABOUT HIS

IMMEDIATE HEALTH.

>> O'Brien: WE'LL PROVIDE

UP-TO-THE-MINUTE COVERAGE.

IT'S AN "H.P."...

OKAY.

>> Beckles: "HOT PACKAGE" DIGS

UP MORE RAP CLASSICS.

>> Roark: DRUGS.

>> Beckles: HE WAS ON A "ROID"

TO NOWHERE.

I SIT DOWN WITH GREGG VALENTINO

AND HIS ARMS IN A VERY SPECIAL

"ONES ON ONE."

>> WELL, I [BLEEP] ALL OVER HIS

FEET.

>> O'Brien: THEN...

>> MY PHONE'S LOSING BATTERY.

>> Roark: STAR OF "TRUNK,"

JENNIFER DAY DROPS BY THE STUDIO

WITH A SPECIAL SONG FOR DON.

>> O'Brien: MAKEOVER MADNESS,

FROM BORING BEFORES TO AWESOME

EVER-AFTERS.

>> Beckles: AND THE WOMAN WHO

EVERYONE THOUGHT WAS

SYLVESTER STALLONE'S MOTHER,

JACKIE STALLONE, BUT ISN'T, SETS

THE RECORD STRAIGHT.

ALL THOSE STORIES AND MORE

TONIGHT ON "HOT PACKAGE."

>> HOT.

>> O'Brien: YOU'RE WATCHING

"HOT PACKAGE," THE BEST AND ONLY

AND CURRENT ENTERTAINMENT-NEWS

PROGRAMMING.

>> Beckles: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYONE.

I'M DERRICK BECKLES, AND THIS IS

"HOT PACKAGE."

>> O'Brien: WOW, WHAT A GREAT

SHOW, AND IF WE'RE LUCKY, DON

DOESN'T DIE.

>> Roark: INDEED, PAT.

ALL RIGHT.

TIME FOR SOME HOLLYWOOD HEALTH

TIPS, AND WHO BETTER TO TELL --

>> Beckles: ACTUALLY, LET'S GET

TO THIS UNFORTUNATE NEWS FIRST.

"HOT PACKAGE" RECEIVED THIS

EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE OF A MISSING

CELLPHONE -- THE OWNER,

AWARD-WINNING ACTRESS

TANNER MAYES.

>> O'Brien: IT'S AN

"H.P. EXCLUSIVE."

CELLPHONE MISSING, HER ATTEMPTS

TO RETRIEVE HER PROPERTY LAUGHED

OFF.

>> Beckles: THE VIDEO SHOWS THE

LEADING LADY PATIENTLY PLEADING

FOR PEOPLE TO HELP HER FIND HER

PHONE.

>> REALLY?

>> AND MAYBE SOMEONE WOULD

[BLEEP] HELP YOU!

>> REALLY?! REALLY?!

REALLY?

>> YEAH, REALLY.

>> REALLY?

>> ARROGANCE IS THE SAME THING.

>> REALLY?! REALLY?! REALLY?!

REALLY?!

>> O'Brien: FINALLY, THE

EMOTIONALLY BRUISED AND BATTERED

STARLET, SEEN HERE, IS FORCED TO

LEAVE THE SET, UNABLE TO

COMMUNICATE HER ADDRESS IN

CHINESE.

>> Beckles: WELL, WE'LL BE

KEEPING A CLOSE EYE ON THIS

STORY.

YO, TIME FOR A RAP CLASSIC.

>> * [ Rapping ] IN COMPETITION,

I'M THE BEST *

* THE OTHERS CAN'T WITHSTAND MY

TEST *

* I ALWAYS HAVE MY HEAD HELD

HIGH *

* THE DECK IS STACKED,

AND SO AM I *

>> THE KNOCKOUTS!

>> I'M GETTING A NERVOUS

BREAKDOWN.

>> Roark: LET'S CHECK IN AS

CELEBRITIES WISH DON WELL.

>> DON COSTELLO, YOU'RE AMAZING,

AND I WISH YOU ARE BACK TO YOUR

NORMAL 100% SELF SO WE CAN ALL

CONTINUE LAUGHING AND LOVING YOU

EVERMORE.

>> Beckles: AN EXCLUSIVE DEBUT

OF JENNIFER'S GET-WELL SONG TO

DON.

LET'S DO THIS -- TIME FOR A

HOLLYWOOD MAKEOVER.

>> O'Brien: WHAT WILL OUR

MACHIAVELLI OF MAKEOVER PULL OFF

TONIGHT?

>> Beckles: [ CHUCKLES ]

I LIKE THAT ONE, PAT.

HERE'S STEWART.

STEWART NEEDED A NEW LOOK --

STAT.

WHAT TO DO? CONSULT THE VAULT.

STEWART LOOKED THROUGH TAPE

AFTER TAPE OF MY HUNK

COLLECTION, BUT HE COULDN'T MAKE

UP HIS MIND.

HE WANTED TO BE THIS HUNK...

>> YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> Beckles: THEN HE WANTED TO BE

THIS HUNK...

>> TURN HIM INTO A HUMAN PIÑATA.

>> Beckles: ...THEN THIS HUNK...

>> [ GRUNTING ]

>> Beckles: TAPE AFTER TAPE,

HUNK AFTER HUNK, STEWART STILL

COULDN'T MAKE UP HIS MIND.

STAY TUNED FOR INDECISIVE

STEWART'S MAKEOVER RESULTS.

>> O'Brien: STICK AROUND.

YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

"HOT PACKAGE'S" TROUBADOUR OF

TRUTH, FASCIST OF FACTS, AND

DICTATOR OF DETAILS,

DERRICK BECKLES DOES IT AGAIN.

IT'S TIME FOR "ONES ON ONE."

>> Beckles: HERE'S AMERICA'S

MOST NOTORIOUS ARMS DEALER, BUT

THE ARMS HE DEALT WERE ATTACHED

TO HIS BODY.

HE WAS ARRESTED FOR SELLING

STEROIDS, AND THEN HIS ARMS

EXPLODED.

I SAT DOWN WITH MY MAN

GREGG VALENTINO, AND IN TYPICAL

GREGG FASHION, WE COVERED GIRLS,

DRUGS, AND THE DISABLED.

YOUR ARMS EXPLODED.

>> WELL, BASICALLY, I GOT HIT

WITH A BAT, AND MY ARM BLEW UP

LIKE A BALLOON, SO I DRAINED IT.

AND I FILM MYSELF DOING IT.

AND I JUST DRAINED IT OF BLOOD.

I MEAN, I HAD LIKE A FREAKING

LITER.

I WAS A PINCUSHION AS IT WAS.

>> Beckles: HOW BIG WERE YOUR

ARMS AT THEIR BIGGEST POINT?

>> 27 INCHES.

I HOLD THE WORLD'S RECORD --

BIGGEST ARMS EVER.

>> Beckles: HOW BIG ARE YOUR

ARMS NOW?

>> THEY'RE NOT -- THEY'RE NOT

REALLY THAT BIG ANYMORE.

I MEAN, UH, YOU KNOW, I'M NOT

JUICED UP ANYMORE.

>> Beckles: AND SPEAKING OF

JUICE, GREGG TOLD US ABOUT THE

DAY THE COPS PUT THE SQUEEZE ON

HIM.

>> WELL, I WAS SELLING STEROIDS,

AND I GOT ARRESTED FOR THAT.

>> Beckles: EXPLAIN WHEN YOU GOT

ARRESTED.

WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?

>> ONE DAY, I'M WORKING OUT,

AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S AFTER HOURS.

THE NEXT THING I KNOW, THE GYM

DOOR KICKS IN, AND THERE'S LIKE

COPS EVERYWHERE, YOU KNOW?

AND THEY'RE PUTTING GUNS TO MY

HEAD, AND I'M LIKE, "HOLY

[BLEEP]"

I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING A

SET, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, THERE'S NO REASON FOR

THAT.

>> Beckles: THEN I ASK GREGG THE

QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND.

DO YOU THINK ALYSSA MILANO IS

ATTRACTIVE?

>> DUDE, LET ME TELL YOU

SOMETHING -- I THINK SHE'S

GORGEOUS.

>> Beckles: AND WHAT ABOUT

TRANSVESTITES?

DO YOU ENJOY TRANSVESTITES?

>> UH...LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY --

I'VE DONE THINGS THAT, UM, MOST

PEOPLE WOULDN'T DO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

"BEND OVER, I'LL DRIVE."

>> Beckles: [ LAUGHS ]

LIKE WHEN GREGG WAS DRIVING

THOSE KIDS HOME, BUT THERE WAS

NO BATHROOM ON THE BUS.

YOU WERE A DRIVER FOR MENTALLY

DISABLED PEOPLE.

>> HOLY GOD -- HOW DID YOU KNOW

THAT?

THAT'S AWESOME.

YOU KNOW, THEY WERE -- YOU KNOW,

I DON'T WANT TO MOCK THEM, BUT,

YOU KNOW, THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT

THE [BLEEP] WAS GOING ON.

SO, I WOULD TAKE THESE BIG

PROTEIN SHAKES, AND I'D STICK A

BIG FREAKING, LIKE, CHUNK OF,

LIKE, THIS SIX-LAYER CAKE, AND

I'D BLEND IT, AND I'D EAT IT.

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, I WOULD

PARK THE BUS.

I'D RUN IN THE BACK OF THE BUS,

THROW A NEWSPAPER DOWN ON THE

FLOOR, AND "BRRPT" LIKE THIS AND

THEN THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW.

THEY HAD NO IDEA.

THEY'D BE SITTING THERE, AND

THEY'D HAVE NO CLUE.

>> Beckles: [ LAUGHS ]

>> I GOT A BETTER ONE FOR YOU,

THOUGH.

>> Beckles: HE SURE DOES --

COMING UP, "H.P." FITNESS GURU

GREGG VALENTINO SHARES SOME

HEALTH TIPS.

>> Roark: LET'S CHECK IN ON

ANOTHER TOUCHING MOMENT AS

CELEBRITIES REMEMBER DON.

>> WHO'S DON COSTELLO?

>> Beckles: YO, TIME FOR A RAP

CLASSIC.

>> * [ Rapping ] MY NAME IS

BROOKLYN, AND I'VE PERFECTED *

* THE WAY TO GET BIG THINGS

ERECTED *

* I DO MY WORK, NO IFs AND

BUTs *

* BUT, BABY, I'M BEST WITH BOLTS

AND NUTS *

>> KNOCKOUTS!

>> Roark: AND NOW THE WOMAN

EVERYONE THOUGHT WAS

JACKIE STALLONE SETS THE RECORD

STRAIGHT.

>> O'Brien: IT'S AN

"H.P. EXCLUSIVE."

>> Beckles: BUBBLY, VIVACIOUS,

BURDENED WITH POISE -- EVERYONE

IN HOLLYWOOD THOUGHT SHE WAS

JACKIE STALLONE.

[ WIND BLOWS LOUDLY ]

SHH! SHH!

DID YOU HEAR THAT? SHH!

>> [ GASPS ]

OH, GOD!

[ PANTING ]

>> AAH!

>> [ Crying ] ME WHINE, AND ME

CRY!

ME WHINING AND CRYING!

[ MOANS ]

>> UH-OH.

BETTER GET A CLOSER LOOK AT

THIS.

>> ME WHINING AND CRYING!

[ MOANS ]

AND THERE'S CATACLYSM IN THE

BLOGDOMS.

I DON'T WANT TO SURVIVE!

BUT WHEN THE

[Echoing] BLOGDOMS...

>> [ GASPS ]

OH, GOD!

[ PANTING ]

>> ...THEY'RE THE FIRST ONES TO

COME KNOCKING AT YOUR FALLOUT

SHELTER!

[ SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY ]

[ MACHINERY BEEPING ]

>> [ GASPS ]

>> I AM NOT JACKIE STALLONE.

>> OH.

>> Roark: ALL RIGHT.

TIME FOR SOME HOLLYWOOD HEALTH

TIPS.

AND WHO BETTER TO TELL US ALL

ABOUT THEM THAN GRE--

[ UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Beckles: [ LAUGHS ]

I'M HERE WITH MY MAN

GREGG VALENTINO, AND HE'S GONNA

TELL US A FEW THINGS ABOUT HOW

TO STAY IN SHAPE, BUT FIRST,

LET'S WATCH SOME CLASSIC FRAMES.

[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

CLASSIC.

LET'S JUST GET THIS JACKET OFF

AND GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

I HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS FOR

YOU -- CAKE, FRUITS, VEGETABLES.

BUT LET'S START WITH BLOOD.

I HAVE SO MUCH BLOOD IN MY BODY,

AS WELL.

YOU HAD THE SAME PROBLEM.

WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH

THAT?

>> WELL --

[ ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Beckles: UH-OH.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC MEANS.

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ BEEPING RHYTHMICALLY ]

>> Roark: ALWAYS JUBILANT AND ON

TOP OF THE WORLD, AMERICA'S

FAVORITE CROSS-EYED COMPANION,

WHO SHARED HIMSELF WITH

GENERATIONS, HAS PASSED AWAY.

[ FLATLINE ]

>> O'Brien: OH [BLEEP]

I MEAN, AM I ON A TWO-SHOT?

>> YES.

>> Beckles: AND NOW HERE'S THE

STAR OF "TRUNK," JENNIFER DAY,

WITH AN IMMEDIATELY CLASSIC

TRIBUTE TO ENTERTAINMENT'S

FAVORITE SON, DON COSTELLO.

>> THIS ONE GOES OUT TO DON.

[ FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> * GIVING ME, GIVING ME,

GIVING ME, GIVING ME *

>> * I WANT YOU HERE WITH ME

* GIVING ME ALL YOUR LOVE

* I WANT YOU HERE WITH ME

* OOH! WHOA!

* YOU'RE WORKING IT,

YOU'RE GIVING IT *

* YOU'RE MAKING ME SWEAT

* YOU'RE MAKING ME SWEAT,

OH, BABY *

* YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE

* YOU'RE WORKING IT

* YOU'RE MAKING ME SWEAT

[ MUSIC ENDS ]

[ SIGHS ] THAT WAS FUN.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Beckles: TIME FOR ANOTHER

TRIBUTE TO DON.

>> YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME --

YOU'RE ASKING ME.

I'M GETTING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

>> Beckles: LET'S ALL BID DON A

FAREWELL WITH HIS BELOVED

TRADEMARK CATCHPHRASE, "I'M

GETTING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN."

>> I'M GETTING A NERVOUS

BREAKDOWN.

>> Roark: I'M GETTING A NERVOUS

BREAKDOWN.

>> I AM GETTING A NERVOUS

BREAKDOWN.

>> I'M GETTING A NERVOUS

BREAKDOWN.

>> Beckles: I'M GETTING A

NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

>> I'M GETTING A NERVOUS

BREAKDOWN.

>> O'Brien: I'M GETTING A

NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

MY PATIENC IS GETTING A NERVOUS

BREAKDOWN WONDERING HOW THE

"H.P." HOLLYWOOD MAKEOVER HAS

TURNED OUT.

DERRICK?

>> Beckles: REMEMBER STEWART?

HIS INABILITY TO PICK A HUNK

FROM THE VIDEO VAULT WAS

DOWNRIGHT PUZZLING.

THEN I STEPPED IN WITH A

"HOT PACKAGE" MAKEOVER TEAM, AND

WE FOUND ALL THE RIGHT PIECES TO

PUT THIS GUY'S LOOK BACK

TOGETHER AGAIN.

HERE'S STEWART!

WE PIERCED HIS EARS...

>> HOT.

>> Beckles: ...TRIPLED THE

ETHNICITY OF HIS HAIR...

>> HOT.

>> Beckles: ...TOUSLED HIS

BEARD...

>> HOT.

>> Beckles: ...AND SAID ADIóS TO

THOSE EYEBROWS.

>> HOT.

>> O'Brien: WOW.

BY THE WAY, THOSE HOOPS -- HOT.

LOOKS LIKE A GREEK MODEL --

UNNERVINGLY HANDSOME.

WOW!

>> Beckles: LOOKS LIKE ANASTASIA

PULLED THE TRIGGER TOO SOON.

WORD JUST IN -- DON IS DOING

JUST FINE, AND ONLY WE CAN

CONFIRM.

>> O'Brien: YEAH, THE

"HOT PACKAGE" FAMILY OFFERS OUR

EXCLUSIVE, HEARTFELT APOLOGY FOR

ANASTASIA'S UNFORGIVABLE

MISTAKE.

>> Beckles: UNFORGIVABLE,

INDEED.

BUT, THANKFULLY, DON IS DOING

AWESOME.

SO, FROM EVERYONE HERE AT

"HOT PACKAGE"...

>> O'Brien: DREAM BIG...

>> Both: AND SMILE BIGGER.

>> * [ Rapping ] KNOCKOUTS LIKE

THEIR ACTION HOT *

* THEY'LL GIVE YOU EVERYTHING

THEY'VE GOT *

* THEY'LL GIVE YOU LEFTS,

THEY'LL GIVE YOU RIGHTS *

* THEY'RE GONNA GIVE YOU ACTION

FIGHTS *

HOT.

>> [ GASPS ]