Original subtitles

>> O'Brien: TONIGHT ON

"HOT PACKAGE"...

OUCH!

>> Beckles: LOOKS LIKE THERE'S

NO ENTERTAINMENT NEWS TODAY.

>> O'Brien: BUT REST ASSURED,

THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

>> Beckles: SO TONIGHT IS

GONNA BE DONATED TO FUN!

>> HO, HO, HO!

MERRY CH--

OH! OH!

>> Beckles: IT'S THE

"HOT PACKAGE SOOPER BLOOPER

SPECIAL," WITH...

AND BLOOPSIE DROPS BY!

THEN THERE'S A REAL DOCTOR IN

THE "WRAP-UP ZONE."

AND THE BLOOPER COMPUTER'S HERE

TO MAKE SURE THE BLOOPERS ARE

FUN!

AND WE'LL HAVE YOUR TOP-THREE

FAVORITE BLOOPERS OF THE WEEK.

THEN...

YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT I

COULD BELIEVE WHEN YOU

DISBELIEVE WHO I'M TALKING TO

TODAY ABOUT THEIR NEW HOME.

ALL THOSE BLOOPS AND MORE ON A

VERY SPECIAL BLOOPER EDITION OF

"HOT PACKAGE."

>> O'Brien: YOU'RE WATCHING

"HOT PACKAGE," THE BEST AND ONLY

CURRENT ENTERTAINMENT-NEWS

PROGRAMMING.

>> Beckles: NOW HERE'S DERRICK!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

OH, MAN.

WELCOME BACK, NORTH AMERICA, TO

THIS VERY SPECIAL BLOOPER

EDITION OF "HOT PACKAGE."

I'M HERE WITH BLOOPER VETERAN

PERRY CARAVELLO AND MY MAIN MAN

PAT O'BRIEN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, MAN.

>> Roark: BUT REMEMBER, WITH

GREAT BLOOPERS COMES GREAT

RESPONSIBILITY.

LET'S BOW OUR HEADS IN PRAYER.

HEAVENLY FATHER, THANK YOU FOR

THE BLOOPERS PROVIDED FOR US

TONIGHT.

>> Beckles: PAT, STOP.

>> Roark: FORGIVE US OUR

BLOOPERS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Beckles: OH, MAN.

>> O'Brien: OKAY, I'M STARVING.

>> Beckles: YES.

>> O'Brien: I DEFINITELY SMELL

SOME FRESHLY BAKED BLOOPERS.

LET'S EAT!

PERRY, WANT TO DO THE HONORS?

>> WELL, YOU GOT IT.

NUTS, ANYONE?

[ SLIP! BANG! BANG! ]

>> UNH!

[ GROANING ]

>> WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH YOU,

YOU SILLY?

>> THANK YOU, MOMMY.

[ ALARM BLARING ]

>> O'Brien: WOW.

NOT EXACTLY A WOW, MAN.

IT WAS KIND OF CRUEL.

>> Beckles: YEAH.

ANYWAY, THIS BUSINESSMAN BRINGS

A WHOLE NEW MEANING TO "HEAD

OFFICE."

>> NO, PLEASE!

AAH!

[ WOMEN SCREAM ]

>> OH, THAT'S THE BOMB!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Beckles: OH, MAN.

LET'S POP A TAPE IN THIS GIZMO

AND CHECK OUT A NEW

"HOT PACKAGE" PRACTICAL JOKE.

>> O'Brien: GOOD CALL, MY MAN.

>> Beckles: ALL RIGHT.

[BLEEP]

[BLEEP]

UH...

>> AAH! AAH!

>> IS THIS YOUR STUDIO?

>> NO, THIS IS MY CAVE.

THIS IS WHERE I PLAY.

>> WITH THIS KNIFE, I WILL STAB

YOU IN THE NAME OF COCAMANTIS.

WHEN I SEE YOUR BLOOD, ONLY THEN

WILL I MAKE LOVE TO YOU.

ONLY THEN WILL I SEND YOU TO

HIM.

[ HORN BLOWS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Beckles: STICK AROUND FOR

YOUR FAVORITE THREE BLOOPERS OF

THE WEEK.

TIME FOR SOME LAUGHS AND GAFFS

WITH MY BUDDY BLOOPSIE!

SO, BLOOPSIE, WHERE ARE YOU?

>> RIGHT HERE!

BLOOP OF THE MORNING TO YOU,

DERRICK!

>> Beckles: THERE YOU ARE.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET DOWN TO

BUSINESS.

>> [ LAUGHS ] OKAY.

NUTS, ANYONE?

[ SPITS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OH, THAT'S THE BOMB!

>> THIS NEXT CLIP IS A REAL

HEARTWARMING STORY.

[ SPITS ]

>> MY DAD THREW UP ABOUT 20

OXYCONTINS 'CAUSE MY CAR

WOULDN'T START, SO WE HAD TO

CALL AAA, AND MY DAD'S GOT AAA

AND HE HAD TO BE PRESENT.

I GUESS HE WANTED TO DIE ON MY

FRONT PORCH, BUT BEFORE I WALKED

UP THERE, I SAID A PRAYER.

I SAID, "PLEASE, IN THE NAME OF

JESUS, I PRAY THAT MY DAD

DOESN'T OVERDOSE ON HIS PILLS."

AND HE HAD TO BE PRESENT WHEN

THE AAA TOW TRUCK GOT THERE.

THEN WHEN HE GOT THERE, RIGHT

BEFORE THEY GOT THERE, HE THREW

UP, AND THERE WAS ABOUT 20 PILLS

IN THE SNOW BY MY FRONT PORCH,

AND I HAD TO PICK THEM OUT TO

SEE WHAT THEY WERE, AND THEY

SAID "O.C., 40 MILLIGRAMS."

>> AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH

THESE PILLS?

>> I SAVED THEM.

AND I TOOK SOME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Beckles: WAIT ONE

OXYCONTIN-PICKING MINUTE.

I THINK SHE MEANT TO CALL N.A.,

NOT AAA.

>> I'VE GOT ONE MORE!

>> Beckles: DON'T!

>> COME ON!

>> Beckles: STOP!

>> "DON'T STOP?"

OKAY!

WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN THESE TWO KIDS FIND A DEAD

BODY.

>> Beckles: WHOA! NOT SO FAST,

NOT SO FAST!

TIME FOR SOME HOME-AUDIENCE

BLOOPERS THAT SOMEONE JUST

DELIVERED TO US.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ BABY CRIES ]

>> [ VOMITS ]

>> Beckles: [ LAUGHS ]

>> O'Brien: OOPS!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> CLASSIC.

>> O'Brien: YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S THE BOMB.

>> THAT'S THE BOMB!

>> PLEASE TELL ME THERE'S MORE

WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

>> Beckles: OH! I THINK WE CAN

BLOOP A FEW MORE WHERE THAT

CAME FROM.

HERE'S A CLASSIC MOVIE OUTTAKE

SUPER BLOOPER.

TAKE A LOOK.

>> SON OF A BITCH!

>> Beckles: [ LAUGHS ]

>> AAH!

>> Beckles: [ LAUGHS ]

ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO WE HAVE NEXT?

PERRY, HOPEFULLY, YOU HAVE A

CLIP THE BLOOPER COMPUTER WILL

LIKE.

>> OH, MAN.

DON'T "LEAF" YOUR CAR

UNATTENDED.

[ CHAIN-SAW MOTOR REVVING ]

>> [BLEEP]

OH, MY GOD!

OH-HO!

[ ALARM BLARING ]

>> Beckles: UH, WOW.

THAT IS TWO, PERRY.

THAT IS TWO, OKAY?

TIME FOR A VERY SPECIAL

"ONES ON ONE."

HE'S HEADSTRONG, GUTSY, AND

FOCUSED -- A HOMEOWNER,

ENTREPRENEUR, MODEL, AND

COMEDIAN CAPABLE OF SERVING UP

HIS OWN BLOOPERS AND PRACTICAL

JOKES.

OF COURSE, I'M TALKING ABOUT

MYSELF, DERRICK BECKLES.

AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE THE

SHOCKING CONFESSIONS I GOT OUT

OF ME.

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE

WITH BLOOPERS.

MY EXPERIENCE WITH BLOOPERS IS

THIS -- LIFE IS A BLOOPER.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU HAVE THIS FANTASTIC PLACE IN

ASPEN.

YOU ACTUALLY DESIGNED IT

YOURSELF, YOU BUILT IT WITH

YOUR OWN TWO HANDS.

I DIDN'T, I DIDN'T --

YES.

I NEEDED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HIS

HOUSE, AND I STARTED FEELING

LIKE A REAL-ESTATE SECRET AGENT.

>> I HAD THE HOME BROKEN UP INTO

DIFFERENT ROOMS.

THERE'S AN UPSTAIRS.

THERE'S A DOWNSTAIRS.

THERE'S EVEN A DOWNSTAIRS BELOW

THE DOWNSTAIRS.

THERE'S A HUGE POOL.

THERE'S A PLACE I CAN PARK MY

CAR.

THE KITCHEN IS, AGAIN, ONE OF

MY --

THAT'S MY BABY, IS THE KITCHEN.

TELL ME MORE, TELL ME MORE.

DISHWASHER.

WHOA.

WHAT THEY CAN DO WITH KITCHENS

NOWADAYS, IT'S INCREDIBLE.

IT SOUNDS LIKE IT HAS SO MANY

THINGS.

IT HAS A TABLE. IT HAS CHAIRS.

THERE'S EVEN SOME CUPBOARDS THAT

YOU HAVE DISHES IN.

IF YOU WALK INTO THE MAIN --

THERE'S FOUR ENTRANCES TO MY

KITCHEN.

WHEN YOU WALK INTO THE MAIN

ENTRANCE, WHICH IS AN ARCHWAY,

YOU'RE GONNA WALK IN THERE AND

YOU'RE GONNA SEE A TABLE,

THERE'S CHAIRS, THERE'S A PLACE

FOR PEOPLE TO SIT.

I EVEN HAVE A RACK FOR MY PAPER

TOWELS.

UH, THERE'S A STOVE.

THERE'S AN ISLAND OF MY DREAMS

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KITCHEN.

SO I'LL CHOP VEGETABLES THERE.

LET'S SAY I'M PREPARING CHICKEN.

I'LL TAKE THE CHICKEN OUT OF THE

REFRIGERATOR, PUT THE CHICKEN ON

THE ISLAND AND START PREPARING

THAT.

[ LAUGHS ]

WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE

ANYBODY WHO'S TRYING TO BREAK

INTO THE BUSINESS?

I'M HOPING NO ONE BREAKS INTO MY

HOUSE.

IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

AS FOR HOLLYWOOD, I WOULD SAY

WHAT PEOPLE NEED TO REMEMBER IS,

IT'S A TOUGH TOWN, BUT MORE THAN

THAT, IT'S A CARING TOWN.

IT'S A COMMUNITY, AND IF YOU

RESPECT THAT, YOU RESPECT THE

PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD, THEY'RE

GONNA RESPECT YOU BACK, AND IT'S

GONNA BE -- YOU'RE GONNA HAVE

FRIENDS FOR LIFE.

[ LAUGHS ]

IF DERRICK BECKLES IS ANY

INDICATION OF THE WARMTH THAT

YOU CAN FIND IN HOLLYWOOD, I'M

GONNA HAVE A FRIEND FOR LIFE.

BECAUSE THIS GUY'S THE BOMB.

>> OH, THAT'S THE BOMB!

>> O'Brien: THAT WAS THE BOMB.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Beckles: THANKS, MY MAN.

>> O'Brien: ALL RIGHT, PERRY,

WANT TO TRY THIS AGAIN, DAWG?

>> UH, THESE LITTLE GUYS HAVE

OBVIOUSLY NEVER HEARD THE PHRASE

"CURIOSITY GETS THE KITTEN."

[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ ALARM BLARING ]

[BLEEP] DAMN IT!

>> Beckles: ALL RIGHT, PERRY,

LET'S GO TO THE WRAP-UP ZONE AND

FIND OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU.

>> O'Brien: OH, GOOD LUCK.

>> Beckles: TIME TO GO TO

THE WRAP-UP ZONE AND TALK TO A

REAL DOCTOR ABOUT PERRY.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

WE SAW SOMEBODY IN ONE OF THE

BLOOPERS GETTING HIT IN THE

NUTS.

HOW SERIOUS CAN THAT BE?

>> THAT CAN BE EXTREMELY

SERIOUS.

YOU CAN END UP WITH A SITUATION

WHERE THE TESTICLE ACTUALLY BE

TWISTED -- THEY CALL THAT

TORSION -- AND THAT CAN ACTUALLY

CAUSE THE TESTICLE TO DIE.

>> Roark: SO SCARY.

>> IT IS. IT'S FRIGHTENING.

>> Beckles: IS IT A BLOOPER OR

NOT A BLOOPER, IN YOUR OPINION?

>> IT'S DEFINITELY NOT A

BLOOPER.

>> Roark: DERRICK, I HAVE A

CONCERN.

DOCTOR, THE KITTEN WE WITNESSED

EARLIER, WHAT IF IT FELL OFF THE

MOTORCYCLE?

>> OH, MY GOSH.

I MEAN, THE ODDS OF THAT CAT

LANDING ON ALL FOUR PAWS IS

REMOTE.

YOU COULD END UP WITH A

PARALYZED OR A DEAD CAT.

>> Beckles: BLOOPER OR NOT A

BLOOPER?

>> NOT A BLOOPER.

>> Roark: OH, MY GOODNESS.

>> Beckles: HE LAUGHS AT THIS

KIND OF THING ALL THE TIME.

>> I'M NOT LAUGHING.

>> HE HAS TO UNDERSTAND THE

SERIOUSNESS OF SOME OF THESE

THINGS.

>> I'M GONNA BUTT IN RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE, ANASTASIA, YOU WERE

ABOUT TO START CRYING, AND I

DON'T WANT ANY PROBLEMS TO START

HAPPENING.

I MEAN, IF I LOST A TESTICLE,

THAT WOULD BE -- THAT WOULD BE

THE WORLD'S WORST.

IT WOULD BE THE WORLD'S WORST.

>> UNH!

>> O'Brien: BLOOPS!

[ LAUGHTER ]

GOOD NIGHT, NORTH AMERICA, AND

THANKS FOR BEING GRATEFUL.

>> Beckles: HERE'S YOUR TOP

THREE FAVORITE BLOOPERS OF THE

WEEK.

>> O'Brien: BLOOPSIE DAISY!

>> ...AND THE COMPANY SHOULD

HAVE CHECKED THESE TANKS --

[ BOING! ]

>> AAH!

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

>> REALLY, I SHOULD HAVE CLEANED

UP THE GREASE OVER THERE.

AND THEY SHOULD NEVER PUT THE

DEEP-FRYER SO CLOSE--

AAH!