Original subtitles

>> Beckles: HI, EVERYBODY.

I'M DERRICK BECKLES, AND THIS IS

"HOT PACKAGE."

OR SHOULD I SAY, A "HOT PACKAGE

RE:PLAY CLASSIC."

DUE TO YOUR OVERWHELMING

REQUESTS, WE'RE GONNA BE SHOWING

YOU ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE

EPISODES.

RIGHT NOW, YOUR ONLY JOB IS TO

SIT BACK AND ENJOY.

>> O'Brien: TONIGHT ON

"HOT PACKAGE" -- OUCH!

"HOT PACKAGE" GOES LIVE ON

LOCATION WITH ADAM JOSEPH, AS HE

FUNKS IT UP FOR TEEN GIRLS.

IT'S AN "HP" EXCLUSIVE.

>> TO IRAN, BEAUTIES IN THE

EYES OF THEIR BEHEADERS.

FROM EMBEDDED TO IMPRISONED,

DAY 22.

"HP's" OWN INTERNATIONAL NEWS

TEAM, NIKKI AND KARI REMAIN

COOL, CALM, AND CONNECTED TO US.

>> O'Brien: SPEAKING OF KEEPING

YOUR HEAD ON TIGHT, YOU ASKED

FOR IT -- YOUR COUNTDOWN TO THE

TOP THREE POST-EXPLOSION

CELEBRATIONS OF ALL TIME.

>> YEAH!

>> O'Brien: OUCH!

>> AND WHO'S THIS SLICE OF

EBONY PIE?

UNH-UNH! I'M NOT TELLING.

YOU'LL FIND OUT DURING "HP's"

"BEFORE THEY WERE COOL."

>> O'Brien: AND GOSSIP!

>> SHE SET THAT BRUSH FIRE TO

BURN UP THE BODIES OF SOMEONE

SHE'D SHOT, AND SHE ALMOST

BURNED DOWN HER WHOLE

NEIGHBORHOOD!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> OUTRAGEOUS!

>> O'Brien: ALL THOSE STORIES

AND MUCH MORE, TONIGHT ON

"HOT PACKAGE."

>> HOT!

>> O'Brien: YOU'RE WATCHING

"HOT PACKAGE," THE BEST AND ONLY

AND CURRENT ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

PROGRAM.

HI, AGAIN, EVERYBODY.

I'M PAT O'BRIEN, AND TONIGHT ON

"HOT PACKAGE," ONE-MAN BOY BAND

SINGING SENSATION ADAM JOSEPH

HAS GOT A HOT NEW VIDEO THAT'S

BURNING UP THE WEB.

>> * CHANGE YOUR LIFE

>> O'Brien: AND IT'S AN "HP"...

IT'S AN "HP" EXCLUSIVE.

>> * I WANT TO GIVE YOU MY

>> * FAGGOTY ATTENTION

>> * BABY, LET ME MAKE YOU FEEL

RIGHT *

>> O'Brien: HIS UPBEAT MESSAGE

AND GOOD LOOKS TO BOOT DROPPED

AN ATOMIC BOMB OF FUNKY FUN AND

LEFT NO TOE UNTAPPED.

>> Beckles: LAST NIGHT,

ADAM JOSEPH PLAYED TO A ROOM OF

SCREAMING FANS -- A BENEFIT

CONCERT FOR FATHERS WITHOUT TEEN

DAUGHTERS.

AND THEY SCREAMED.

AND THEY LOST THEIR MINDS.

>> O'Brien: AND...

>> Beckles: AND THEY WET

THEMSELVES.

>> O'Brien: [ LAUGHS, COUGHS ]

>> AAAAAAH!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> I TOLD YOU EVERYTHING I TOUCH

HAS A WAY OF EXPLODING.

WEREN'T YOU LISTENING?

[ GUN COCKS ]

>> WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?

>> DESPITE RUMORS TO THE

CONTRARY, EVEN A SMALL WOMAN CAN

EASILY HANDLE THE KICK OF

A .44 MAGNUM WITH A LITTLE

PRACTICE.

>> AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[ BODY THUDS ]

[ WOMAN SCREAMS ]

>> OUTRAGEOUS!

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE NUMBER 1!

>> O'Brien: BOY, UH, I AM NOW

VERY, VERY --

I'M SORRY.

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

THE TRAGIC SAGA OF AMERICA'S

FAVORITE CORRESPONDENT CUTIES.

>> PRETTY, PERKY, AND PETITE,

OUR GIRLS SIT TIGHT IN A TEHRAN

JAIL CELL, WAITING POSSIBLE

EXECUTION.

AND NOW A NEW VIDEO OF THE

COURAGEOUS DUO HAS SURFACED.

IT OFFERS HOPEFUL SHOUT-OUTS TO

THEIR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND ALSO

THE LOVES OF THEIR LIVES, ANDY

AND BRENT.

>> O'Brien: BE WARNED, THOUGH,

THE FOOTAGE IS EMOTIONALLY RAW

AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR

YOUNGER OR ELDERLY VIEWERS.

>> HI.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> UH...

>> MM, YEAH.

>> SAY HI TO ANDY.

>> OH, YEAH, I HAVE TO SAY HI TO

ANDY, MY BOYFRIEND.

>> AND BRENT, MINE.

>> HI.

>> HI.

>> HI.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

UM...MM.

Think of something.

>> O'Brien: WELL, A NATION'S

PRAYERS GO OUT TO YOU, NIKKI AND

KARI.

GOOD LUCK WITH THOSE [BLEEP]

CHARGES.

>> HEY, LET'S HAVE IT.

>> THIS IS FOR THE MOLOKAI COPS.

>> O'Brien: OUCH!

>> AAH! AAH!

>> O'Brien: AND NOW WE TURN TO

"HOT PACKAGE" HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP

GOOSE DERRICK BECKLES WITH A

BEHIND-THE-SCENES EXCLUSIVE ON

KEEPING UP WITH THE STARS AS HE

WISHES UPON A STAR WITH "HP's"

OWN STARGAZER,

JEFF DEANE TURNER.

[ TWINKLE! ]

>> Beckles: THANKS, PAT.

HE'S DANGEROUSLY PEACEFUL,

LEGENDARILY UNASSUMING,

FEARLESSLY ROMANTIC, AND HAS ALL

OF HIS FACTS READIED AND

CHECKED.

OF COURSE, I'M TALKING ABOUT

CELEBRITY STARGAZER

EXTRAORDINAIRE

JEFF DEANE TURNER.

SAT DOWN WITH JEFF, AND IT

DIDN'T STOP.

WHAT DO WE HAVE ON THE

"HARRY POTTER"?

ANY SCOOPS?

>> WHAT I DO LIKE ABOUT THEM IS

IT INTRODUCES CHILDREN AND

PEOPLE OF ALL AGES TO SERIOUS

SPIRITUAL WARFARE.

>> Beckles: AND WHAT ABOUT

ALYSSA MILANO?

[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> [BLEEP] FILED A RESTRAINING

ORDER AGAINST ME.

I'M ACTUALLY TRYING TO

RECONCILIATE.

>> Beckles: AND WHAT ABOUT

FASHION?

JEFF HAD MORE.

WHAT IS HOT ON THE RUNWAYS THIS

WEEK, SPEAKING OF STALKINGS?

>> OH. [ LAUGHS ]

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

>> Beckles: SO, WHAT IS HOT?

>> LONG DRESSES, FROM WHAT I'VE

HEARD.

>> Beckles: WOW.

>> LET ME FINISH ABOUT [BLEEP]

[BLEEP] BELIEVES THAT SHE'S THE

ONLY ONE THAT CAN STOP THE

ETRUSCAN PLAGUE SHIP THAT WAS IN

AN ESTUARY IN MANHATTAN THAT WAS

SENT THERE THOUSANDS OF YEARS

AGO.

>> Beckles: [ CHUCKLES ]

CLASSIC JEFF.

>> [BLEEP] BELIEVES SHE'S THE

VOLCANO GODDESS AETNA.

>> Beckles: AND IT GOT HOTTER.

>> SHE ALSO ADMITTED IN CHARM

MAGAZINE, "I CAN DISASSOCIATE."

>> Beckles: IS THIS GONNA BE

SOMETHING THAT WE'RE GONNA BE

SEEING MORE OF, DISASSOCIATION,

OR...

>> DISASSOCIATIVE IDENTITY

DISORDER IS VERY COMMON.

I HAVE IT.

>> Beckles: DON'T WORRY.

JEFF'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

WE ASKED HIM WHERE HE'S GONNA

BE.

ARE YOU GONNA BE ANYWHERE SOON?

CAN WE CATCH YOU ANYWHERE?

>> I WILL BE, IN FEBRUARY, AT

THE HOLLYWOOD COLLECTORS AND

CELEBRITIES SHOW.

>> Beckles: EXCELLENT, JEFF.

>> AND I WILL BE THERE IN

APRIL, IN JULY, IN OCTO--

>> Beckles: JEFF DEANE TURNER,

IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE.

>> [BLEEP] PROBABLY WON'T WORK

IN THIS TOWN AGAIN.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> Beckles: LET'S HOPE NOT.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> O'Brien: OH, MAN.

>> THAT LOOKED LIKE A LOT OF

FUN.

>> Beckles: IT REALLY WAS.

AND THE THING ABOUT JEFF IS HE

JUST GETS RIGHT IN THERE AND

DIGS--

>> TIME FOR CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS.

>> Beckles: LOOKING GOOD FORAYS.

ITS AGE, POLICE BRUTALITY IS

STILL KICKING IT AT 20!

>> AND OUR GENTLE FRIEND IS

TIPPING BACK SOME APPLETINIS

TONIGHT IN CELEBRATION OF

42 FABULOUS YEARS.

THAT'S RIGHT, HOMOSEXUALITY WAS

BORN IN NEW YORK CITY ON THIS

RIOTOUS DATE WAY BACK IN 1969.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE HOMOSEXUALITY

IS 42.

[ Echoing ] 42...

42...

42...

>> O'Brien: UH-OH.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE HOMOSEXUALITY

IS 42.

>> O'Brien: I CAN.

>> BABY, THIS ONE'S FOR YOU.

>> [ GASPS ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> WHO IS THIS BAD BOY?

>> MALCOLM X.

>> IF YOU GUESSED

DENZEL WASHINGTON, THEN YOU'D BE

RIGHT!

>> FASHION NEVER GOES OUT OF

STYLE, AND TONIGHT WE'RE GOING

ALL THE WAY BACK TO 1992 TO

CHECK OUT WHAT WAS HOT WAY BACK

WHEN WITH "HP's" FASHION ROBOT,

I.B.-HEM AND HER "H.P."

EXCLUSIVE SEGMENT,

"WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?"

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS

OUTFIT FOR THE CONVENTION?

HOWARD?

>> WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS

OUTFIT FOR THE CONVENTION?

>> WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

[ GUNSHOT ]

WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

>> FINE.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> O'Brien: OH, MAN.

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU, I.B.-HEM.

HYSTERICAL, AS USUAL.

>> McDONALD'S BETTER CALL THE

RONALD POLICE.

>> O'Brien: SAD NEWS OUT OF

TEHRAN.

"H.P.'s" VERY OWN KARI AND NIKKI

HAVE BEEN EXECUTED, AND, FOLKS,

THEIR HIT SHOW HAS BEEN

CANCELED.

HERE NOW IS A TOUCHING "H.P."

EXCLUSIVE TRIBUTE TO OUR OWN

KARI AND NIKKI.

OUR TWO ANGELS ARE NOW PARTYING

WITH ANGELS IN HEAVEN, AND NO

ONE CAN CLAIM OTHERWISE.

THEY WILL BE CONSTANTLY AND

CONSISTENTLY MISSED.

>> OOH!

>> YEAH! YEAH!

IS THIS LUCK OR WHAT?

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

>> O'Brien: OH, MAN!

>> OUTRAGEOUS!

>> Beckles: HERE'S SOME

"HOT PACKAGE" STORIES WE'RE

WORKING ON.

>> SAY NO...

>> NO!

>> ...TO EVERYTHING.

>> CANADIAN FASHION.

>> NO!

NO!

NO!

NO!

[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]

NO!

NO-O-O-O-O!

NO!

>> UM, I GUESS I'LL TAKE YOU

HOME NOW.

>> THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING ME IN

YOUR BROADCAST.

>> Both: GOOD NIGHT,

NORTH AMERICAN FRIENDS!

STAY FREE AND DON'T FORGET TO

FAX US!

>> O'Brien: BUT WHAT ABOUT

SMILES?

THERE WAS NO TIME FOR SMILES OR

BEER IN CANADA LAST NIGHT DURING

THIS TINY TYKE TOURNAMENT OF

BLOOD, SWEAT, AND BODILY FLUIDS.

BUT DON'T CALL SOCIAL SERVICES

JUST YET.

THEY DID IT FOR POLIO.

THAT'S WHY IT'S "H.P.'s"

SMILE OF THE WEEK.

>> AAH!

>> Beckles: "RE:PLAY CLASSIC."

I'M DERRICK BECKLES, AND THANKS

FOR WATCHING, EVERYONE.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, STAY SAFE AND

BE SMART.

>> NO!

>> OUTRAGEOUS!