Original subtitles

>> O'Brien: TONIGHT ON

"HOT PACKAGE," OUCH!

IT'S OFFICIAL.

THE TOES HAVE IT.

>> Beckles: WE TAKE A LOOK AT

NORTH AMERICA'S FAVORITE NEW

SHOW.

SCARY PERRY CARAVELLO PLOPS BY

TO GIVE US THE EXCLUSIVE INSIDE

SCOOP ON HOW TO MAKE IT AS A MAN

IN THIS WOMEN'S BUSINESS WE CALL

SHOW.

>> WHEN GOD CREATES YOU AS A

LADY, BE A LADY.

SHE JUST LOOKS LIKE A PIG.

>> Beckles: [ LAUGHS ]

>> Roark: EVERY BAD BOY LOVES TO

TALK ABOUT THE LENGTH OF IT, HOW

THICK IT IS, AND HOW IT SMELLS.

THICK IT IS, AND HOW IT SMELLS. YOU GUESSED IT.

YOU GUESSED IT.

>> Beckles: THEN WE TURN SLOPPY

POPS INTO DAPPER DADS.

IT'S A SPECIAL DADDY/DAUGHTER

"HOT PACKAGE" MAKEOVER.

>> O'Brien: THEN...

>> Roark: HOLLYWOOD UNDER SIEGE.

OUR EXCLUSIVE DEATH TABULATOR

JOINS "H.P." FOR THE LATEST

JOINS "H.P." FOR THE LATEST AUTOMATED UPDATES.

AUTOMATED UPDATES.

>> CASH.

>> Beckles: PLUS AND

JEFF DEANE TURNER DROPS BY WITH

A MOVIE REVIEW.

>> MM. MAMMA MIA!

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> O'Brien: ALL THOSE STORIES

AND MUCH MORE, ONLY HERE!

>> Beckles: TONIGHT ON

"HOT PACKAGE."

>> O'Brien: YOU'RE WATCHING

"HOT PACKAGE," THE BEST AND ONLY

CURRENT ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

PROGRAMMING.

>> Beckles: HELLO, EVERYONE.

WELCOME BACK TO "HOT PACKAGE."

I'M DERRICK BECKLES.

>> O'Brien: AND I'M PAT O'BRIEN.

HI, EVERYBODY.

HI, NORTH AMERICA.

IT APPEARS AMERICA'S FAVORITE

NEW COCKTAIL IS SHRIMP, OR

SHOULD I SAY SHRIMPING,AND FANS

ARE EATING IT UP.

>> Beckles: WELL, AS YOU

DEFINITELYKNOW BY NOW,

SHRIMPING, A.K.A. TOE SUCKING,

IS BACK, AND IT'S ALL

COMPLIMENTS OF

"JUST KICKIN' IT!" THE HOT, NEW

SITCOM WITH A LOT OF SOUL,

TALENTED PIGGIES, AND THEIR

BROODING, HUNKY CO-SUCKING

TOE-STARS.

>> THIS NEVER HAPPENED.

>> YES, SIR!

>> THIS NEVER, EVER...

HAPPENED.

>> Beckles: PACKING IN THE

RATINGS AND LAUGHS WEEK AFTER

WEEK, THESE DOGS KEEP BARKING

WITHOUT ANY NOISE COMPLAINTS.

IN FACT, INSIDERS PREDICT

"JUST KICKIN' IT!" HAS AT LEAST

NINE MORE SEASONS IN IT.

YOU GUESSED IT -- ONE FOR EACH

TOE.

>> O'Brien: WELL, LET'S HOPE

NOBODY HAS PUT THEIR FOOT IN

THEIR MOUTHS OVER THIS ONE.

[ WAILING ]

UH-OH.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC MEANS!

>> Roark: YOU GUESSED IT.

BAD BOY HAIRDO NUMBER 50.

BAD BOY HAIRDO NUMBER 50. [ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

>> HEY, MAN, I'M HUNGRY!

SEND UP SOME FOOD!

>> YEAH!

>> NO. NO FOOD.

>> NO. NO FOOD. >> DON'T MESS WITH ME, MAN!

>> DON'T MESS WITH ME, MAN!

>> O'Brien: MMM!

SOMETHING SMELLS GOOD!

TIME TO GO TO OUR ULTIMATE URBAN

FASHION FANATIC,

DERRICK BECKLES.

>> FASHION.

>> Beckles: TIME FOR A

"HOT PACKAGE" MAKEOVER.

MEET GORDON, A SELF-DESCRIBED

NIGHTMARE ON FASHION STREET.

AND IT WAS KEEPING HIS DAUGHTER

EMILY UP ALL NIGHT LONG, UNTIL

SHE FAXED ME A LETTER ASKING TO

HELP HER DADDY OUT.

I GAVE GORDON EXCLUSIVE ACCESS

TO "H.P."'s BOUNTIFUL BEEF

CAKES, COURTESY OF OUR "H.P."

HOLLYWOOD HUNK VIDEO VAULT.

HE WENT WITH THIS SUCCULENT,

SOPHISTICATED STUD.

>> BEING ABLE TO REFLECT WAS

ALMOST LIKE REMINISCING ON

THINGS THAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE,

THINGS THAT YOU THOUGHT YOU

SHOULD HAVE DONE.

AND SOMETIMES THE BEST WAY TO

LEARN ABOUT LIFE IS JUST TO MAKE

MISTAKES.

>> Beckles: STICK AROUND TO SEE

EMILY REUNITED WITH HER

MADE-OVER DADDY.

>> O'Brien: I CAN ASSURE YOU

I'LL BE PUTTING UP A "MISSING"

POSTER FOR MY PATIENCE.

[ WAILING ]

UH-OH.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC MEANS.

>> Roark: YOU GUESSED IT.

>> LOSING MONEY IS NOT ON MY

MENU.

AND I DON'T EXPECT IT TO BE ON

YOURS.

I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH LIFE

EATING PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY.

I'LL GO THROUGH LIFE EATING

LOBSTER AND CAVIAR AND TAKING

YOU WITH ME.

NOW...

>> Roark: AND NOW LEGENDARY

ENTERTAINER AND UNSTOPPABLE

TRIPLE THREAT DERRICK BECKLES.

IT'S TIME FOR "ONES ON ONE."

>> Beckles: [ LAUGHS ]

LAUGHING.s: [ LAUGHS ]

CRYING.

SCREAMING.

THESE ARE ALL PART OF SUPERSTAR

PERRY CARAVELLO'S CRAFT.

AND NOW WE CAN ADD MALE GENDER

GURU TO THE LIST, AS

MR. CARAVELLO TELLS US ALL ABOUT

HOW HE SEES THE FUTURE OF MEN IN

AN INDUSTRY COMPLETELY RUN BY,

AND FOR, WOMEN.

I SAT DOWN WITH THE STAR OF

"WINDY CITY HEAT," AND WE TALKED

THE HARD LINE OF GENDER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WOMEN NEED TO

UNDERSTAND ABOUT BEING A MAN

THAT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND?

>> THE PACKAGE.

THEY WON'T HAVE THE PACKAGE IF

THEY'RE NOT A MAN.

>> Beckles: PERRY CONTINUED TO

TELL IT LIKE IT IS.

>> UNLESS THEY DO WHAT, UH,

SONNY BONO'S DUMBASS DAUGHTER

DID -- HAD A FREAKING SEX

CHANGE.

SHE'S A WOMAN FOR LIFE.

>> Beckles: DO YOU THINK

ALYSSA MILANO'S ATTRACTIVE?

>> YEAH. OH, YEAH.

SHE'S A VERY ATTRACTIVE GIRL.

>> Beckles: WOULD YOU DATE

CHASTITY OR CHAZ, GIVEN A

CHOICE?

>> I HAVE FRIENDS THAT USED TO

GO OUT WITH...HER WHEN SHE WAS A

"GIRL."

UH...BUT THEY -- BUT SHE WAS

JUST TOO MUCH OF A TOMBOYISH

KID, AND THEN THAT TOMBOY TURNED

INTO A [BLEEP]

>> Beckles: BUT IN CLASSIC PERRY

STYLE, WITH TOUGH LOVE COMES

TOUGHER TENDERNESS.

>> THAT'S WRONG.

>> Beckles: MM-HMM.

>> OKAY, WHEN GOD CREATES YOU AS

A LADY, BE A LADY, OKAY?

BE A WOMAN.

STOP TRYING TO CONTROL THE MANLY

SIDE OF THE FENCE.

>> Beckles: WHAT ELSE IS IT

ABOUT BEING A MALE THAT'S SO

IMPORTANT TO KNOW AND TO KEEP IN

MIND?

>> UH, I MEAN, YOU'VE -- YOU'VE

STUMPED ME.

UM...

NORMALLY I'M NOT USED TO BEING

STUMPED BECAUSE, UH, I'M USUALLY

RIGHT ON MY TOES AND REALLY OUT

THERE.

THERE. UM...UM...

UM...UM...

>> O'Brien: NOW MORE ON PERRY'S

INTERVIEW IN THE

"WRAP UP ZONE."

>> Roark: GREAT, GREAT

INTERVIEW.

HE MUST KNOW CHAZ REALLY WELL.

>> Beckles: HMM, I DON'T -- I

DON'T -- I DON'T THINK SO.

>> O'Brien: UH-OH.

[ WAILING ]

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC MEANS.

TAKE A LOOK.

>> Roark: YOU GUESSED IT.

>> THEY'RE NOT GONNA LEAVE YOU

ALONE TILL THEY KNOW THAT THEY

GOT THAT WATERMELON THAT'S IN

YOURPOCKET SITTING IN THEIR

POCKET.

HOW YOU GONNA GO BUY A NEW HOUSE

OR A NEW ROLLS-ROYCE WHEN YOU

AIN'T GOT A DIME IN YOUR POCKET?

OH, YOU'RE GONNA PUT A TROPHY UP

FOR COLLATERAL.

YEAH.

WELL, THE GUY AT THE BANK

DOESN'T THINK SO, AND I DON'T,

EITHER.

CASH.

>> Beckles: DON'T WORRY, EMILY.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A HUNKY DADDY

SOON.

NOW IN-HOUSE CINEMANIAC AND

"HOT PACKAGE" CELEBRITY

SPECIALIST JEFF DEANE TURNER

REVIEWS A MOVIE WITH BLACK GUYS

IN IT.

>> TODAY'S MOVIE IS CALLED

"RAZOR SHARPE."

>> [ SCREAMS ]

[ BONES CRACKING ]

BLACK GUY IN IT.

[ GUNSHOT ]

AND, UH, HE GETS HIRED AND THEN

FIRED AND THEN HIRED AGAIN.

>> THAT'S WHY I HAD YOU FIRED

AND RE-HIRED AND FIRED AGAIN!

>> AND THEN FIRED.

>> YOU WILL FIRE HIM IN FRONT OF

EVERYONE ON THIS [BLEEP] SET!

>> OKAY!

>> AND THEN GETS HIRED.

>> THE PAY ISN'T GOOD, BUT IT'S

A WAY BACK IN.

ARE YOU INTERESTED?

>> ARE YOU KIDDING?

>> AND THEN FIRED AGAIN.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

THERE'S ONE BRIDGE ACROSS TO

STARDOM, AND YOU JUST TOOK A CAN

OF GASOLINE AND, POOF, TORCHED

IT.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

ANYWAY, UH, YEAH, I'M A LIFETIME

NATURAL GENETIC STRAIGHT.IFETIME

MOST PEOPLE UNDERSTAND WHAT IT

IS.

NOW, THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT ARE

BORN GENETICALLY WITHOUT FEAR.

SOMETIMES THAT HAPPENS WITH

OTHER EMOTIONS.

THERE WAS A TV SHOW, AND I MET

THE WOMAN -- A YOUNG WOMAN...

>> Beckles: OKAY.

[ WAILING ]

>> O'Brien: UH-OH.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC MEANS.

>> Roark: YOU GUESSED IT.

DEATH WAS THE HEADLINER THIS

WEEK IN HOLLYWOOD, AND

"HOT PACKAGE" WAS THERE.

HERE'S OUR EXCLUSIVE TRIBUTE TO

THE VICTIMS OF DEATH,

HOLLYWOOD'S MOST DEVASTATING

DISEASE.

[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> [ Echoing ] HMM, THAT GESTUNK

OF A CANINE THINKS HE WILL BE

THE FIRST DOG TO SCUBA-DOOBA.

>> HERE'S YOUR SANDWICH,

MOTHER[BLEEP]

>> OH, YOU MOTHER[BLEEP] BITCH!

OH, YOU MOTHER...[BLEEP]

OH, YOU MOTHER...[BLEEP] AAH!

AAH!

AAH! >> AAH!

>> AAH!

[ TIRES SCREECHING ]

>> AAH!

>> HASTA LA VISTA,CHIA.

YOU'RE ON OUR TURF.

>> Roark: YOU GUESSED IT.

>> Beckles: GREAT HAIRDO.

[ WAILING ]

>> O'Brien: UH-OH.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC MEANS.

>> Roark: YOU GUESSED IT.

BAD-BOY HAIRDO 48.

>> [ WAILING ]

>> O'Brien: UH-OH.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC MEANS.

>> Roark: YOU GUESSED IT.

WE HAVE SOME MAKEOVER RESULTS.

WE'RE JOINED BY GORDON'SSULTS.

DAUGHTER, EMILY, TO SEE HER

DADDY'S TRANSFORMATION.

>> Beckles: HE LOOKS ADORABLE.

REMEMBER GORDON?

HE WAS THE NIGHTMARE ON FASHION

STREET THAT DRESSED LIKE HE

LIVED IN A BOILER ROOM.

FORTUNATELY, HIS DAUGHTER,

EMILY, HAD THE GOOD SENSE TO BEG

ME FOR HELP.

GORDON CONSULTED THE VAULT AND

PICKED THIS AU NATURAL STUD TO

BASE HIS MAKEOVER ON.

AND THEN I GOT BUSY WITH THE

"HOT PACKAGE" MAKEOVER TEAM.

WE BOUGHT HIM NEW SOCKS, GAVE

HIM THE ULTIMATE MIDAS TOUCH

WITH SOME GOLD HOOPS, KICKED HIS

BROWS TO THE CURB, AND LEFT HIM

NAKED TO LET HIS BODY DO THE

TALKING, AND IT HAD A LOT TO

SAY.

>> O'Brien: IRRETRIEVABLY

HANDSOME.

>> Beckles: AND HERE'S YOUR DAD

NOW, EMILY.

LIVE ON THE "HOT PACKAGE" STAGE,

FROM CRAPPY PAPPY TO FOXY

FATHER, HERE'S GORDON!

>> [ WAILING ]

>> O'Brien: UH-OH.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC MEANS.

>> Roark: YOU GUESSED IT.

DEATH WAS THE HEADLINER THIS

WEEK IN HOLLYWOOD...

>> MM. MAMMA MIA!

>> Roark: ...AND "HOT PACKAGE"

WAS THERE.

>> I'M GONNA GET YOU THAT NEW

MOMMY YOU'VE BEEN ASKING FOR,

EMILY.

>> Beckles: WE JUST FOUND OUT

GORDON WAS BEATEN TO DEATH

OUTSIDE OF THE STUDIO BY A GROUP

OF JEALOUS MEN.

AND IT MAY NOT REPLACE HER

FATHER, BUT WE'D LIKE TO OFFER

EMILY A FREE MAKEOVER FOR BEING

SUCH A GOOD SPORT.

>> [ SOBBING ]

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

>> O'Brien: AND THAT'S WHY

EMILY IS "H.P."'s SMILE OF THE

WEEK.

[ WAILING ]

UH-OH.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC MEANS.

>> LET YOUR STROKE OUT JUST A

LITTLE BIT.

CASH.

MIKE TYSON'S OUT BACK WAITING.

MONEY.

DOES MY NOSE LOOK LIKE IT'S BEEN

SMASHED?

CASH.

LET'S BREAK THIS GUY'S THUMBS.

CASH.

SOME BOOB IN WATTS COUNTY.

DOLLAR SIGNS.

INDEED, MY FRIEND.

NO GOOD.

CASH.

>> SO I GIVE "RAZOR SHARPE" FOUR

CHILI PEPPERS OUT OF FIVE.

>> GET THE CASH.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. >> [ GRUNTS ]