Original subtitles

>> O'Brien: TONIGHT ON

"HOT PACKAGE"...

OUCH!

TELEVISION KEEPS ON SUCKING.

>> Roark: AND "H.P." HAS GOT THE

EXCLUSIVE.

HOT.

>> Beckles: ALLEGED LOVER,

ACCUSED HEARTBREAKER, AND

"HOT PACKAGE'S" CELEBRITY EXPERT

JEFF DEANE TURNER IS BACK.

>> THEY DIDN'T CHARGE HER WITH

WHAT SHE WAS WAITING TO DO WITH

ME, LYING IN WAIT -- THAT THING

I TOLD YOU ABOUT.

>> Beckles: THAT'S RIGHT.

AND I'LL BE HERE WITH LEGENDARY

ALTERNATIVE-ROMANCE FILM

DIRECTOR ROB SPALLONE.

>> THEIR FACES ARE ALL [BLEEP]

UP, THEIR [BLEEP] STINKS.

>> Roark: HOTTER.

THEN, A "P.O.B. P.O.V." YOU

WON'T WANT TO MISS.

>> O'Brien: WE COUNT DOWN YOUR

TOP SEXIEST MOMENTS FROM THE

LAST 23 YEARS.

>> WILL YOU MARRY ME?

>> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

>> Roark: THEN -- THEN --

THEN...

THEN...

>> ALL THOSE STORIES AND MORE...

>> Beckles: TONIGHT ON

"HOT PACKAGE."

>> O'Brien: YOU'RE WATCHING

"HOT PACKAGE," THE BEST AND ONLY

CURRENT ENTERTAINMENT-NEWS

PROGRAM.

>> Beckles: WELCOME TO

"HOT PACKAGE," EVERYBODY.

I'M DERRICK BECKLES.

>> O'Brien: AND I'M PAT O'BRIEN.

>> Roark: I'M ANASTAS--

>> O'Brien: WELL, AROUND HERE,

DERRICK, IT HAS BEEN AN

ENORMOUSLY EMOTIONAL DAY, SO

LET'S GET STARTED.

>> Beckles: TRUE.

IT'S A TELEVISION SUCK-OFF TO

END ALL SUCK-OFFS THIS WEEK WITH

THE SURPRISE NETWORK

ANNOUNCEMENT THAT

"VAMPIRE LOVE STORY" HAS BEEN

CANCELLED.

NEWS OF THE CANCELLATION LEFT

FANS OF "VAMPIRE LOVE STORY"

DEVASTATED, WHILE CRITICS

CELEBRATED.

>> O'Brien: REALLY, DERRICK?

I LOVE THIS SHOW.

AND AS A FAN OF "V.L.S.," I

VEHEMENTLY DISAGREE WITH THESE

REVIEWS.

>> Beckles: THAT'S WHY IT'S

TONIGHT'S VERY PERSONAL

"PAT O'BRIEN POINT OF VIEW."

PAT HAS A BONE TO PICK WITH THE

CRITICS AND THE NETWORK THAT

CANCELLED "VAMPIRE LOVE STORY."

>> Roark: AND NOW...

>> ROMANTIC MOMENTS.

>> HI, DAVE.

COULD YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE,

PLEASE?

>> I'M DEAD.

>> COME ON. WE'RE ALL TIRED.

>> NO, I'M NOT KIDDING.

I'M DEAD.

>> COME ON.

>> WHOA.

>> HUH?

>> DAVID?

>> HOLLY, I LOVE YOU.

>> AND I LOVE YOU.

WHAT HAPPENED?

>> TIGER KILLED ME.

>> Beckles: ROMANTIC STUFF.

LET'S DO THIS.

TIME FOR A HOLLYWOOD MAKEOVER.

MEET KEVIN.

>> I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS

MAKEOVER.

>> Beckles: HE WANTS TO ROMANCE

THE LADIES LIKE JAMES BOND.

ONE PROBLEM, THOUGH, KEVIN --

YOUR STYLE SCREAMS

"DOUBLE-O-ZERO."

SO I WENT THROUGH MY PERSONAL

COLLECTION OF HOLLYWOOD HUNKS

AND FOUND THIS GUY...

>> HUNK SELECTED.

>> Beckles: ...THE PERFECT

INSPIRATION FOR KEVIN'S NEW

MAKEOVER LOOK.

>> GOD, NO!

NO! NO! NO!

GET ME OUT OF THIS TERRIBLE

PLACE!

GET ME OUT OF HERE!

AAAAAH!

>> O'Brien: WOW.

>> Beckles: YEP.

COMING UP, KEVIN'S MAKEOVER

RESULTS.

>> O'Brien: ROM-COM MASTERMIND

ROB SPALLONE SITS DOWN WITH OUR

CASANOVA OF CASUAL CONVERSATION,

MY MAIN MAN DERRICK BECKLES, IN

THE LATEST "ONES ON ONE."

>> Beckles: I FINALLY MADE A

DREAM COME TRUE AND SAT DOWN

WITH THE SULTAN OF SEDUCTION,

AND WE TALKED ABOUT THE MAGIC

BEHIND HIS FILMMAKING.

YOUR FILMS ARE LEGENDARY FOR

ROMANCE.

WHAT'S THE MOST ROMANTIC THING

THAT'S BEEN DONE IN ONE OF YOUR

FILMS?

>> I SHOT THE WORLD'S OLDEST

GANG BANG.

I SHOT A LITTLE 19-YEAR-OLD GIRL

WITH ALL OLD PEOPLE --

60, 70 YEARS OLD.

THE WORLD'S BIGGEST GANG BANG

PEOPLE THINK WAS 500 GUYS AND A

GIRL.

NOT TRUE.

I SHOT THE WORLD'S BIGGEST GANG

BANG.

1 GIRL, 45 PEOPLE -- ALL OVER

300, 400, 500 POUNDS.

>> Beckles: [ LAUGHS ]

>> THEY WERE EATING PIZZA PIES,

FOLDING THEM IN HALF, AND EATING

THEM LIKE SLICES.

>> Beckles: I WOULD THINK THAT

YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO EAT ON SET.

>> THEY DON'T CARE.

I'M SHOOTING AN [BLEEP]

THE GIRL WALKS IN WITH STARBUCKS

THIS BIG.

>> Beckles: [ CHUCKLES ]

>> YOU KNOW HOW GOOD THAT IS FOR

THE SCENE, RIGHT -- OR THE GUY'S

HOUSE WE'RE SHOOTING IN FOR HIS

COUCH OR HIS BED?

NOT TOO GOOD.

>> Beckles: WHY?

>> 'CAUSE THEN THEY'LL [BLEEP]

ALL OVER THE PLACE.

>> Beckles: GO GET 'EM, ROB.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS TRENDING

NOW?

>> SPITTING WAS BIG FOR A WHILE.

[BLEEP] WAS HUGE FOR A WHILE.

NOW THEY'RE INTO PARODIES, THAT

ROMANCE [BLEEP]

DIRTY, FILTHY, NASTY'S WHAT THEY

WANT.

>> Beckles: THERE'S TALK OF A

TEEN CLUB.

EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT TEENS.

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE TEEN

CLUB?

>> I'M TRYING TO OPEN A CLUB

RIGHT NOW FOR KIDS -- 13-, 14-,

15-YEAR-OLD KIDS -- JUST MUSIC.

IT'S MORE LIKE A BABYSITTING

SERVICE.

THE PARENTS DROP 'EM OFF, PAY

$10, COME BACK IN FOUR HOURS,

AND PICK 'EM UP.

>> Beckles: I WATCH YOUR FILMS,

AND I JUST GET TAKEN AWAY.

I FEEL LIKE A KID AGAIN.

HOW DO YOU GET SO MANY OF THOSE

GREAT EFFECTS DONE?

>> THERE WILL BE A PIÑA COLADA

MIX OR A HAND CREAM OR SOMETHING

ON SET THAT WE'LL THROW IN THE

[BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP]

>> Beckles: PROBLEM SOLVED.

AND WHAT ELSE?OBLEM SOLVED.

>> THE CHLAMYDIA AND THE

GONORRHEA AND ALL THAT?

THE PEOPLE WORRY ABOUT AIDS.

I'VE BEEN IN HERE A LONG TIME.

THERE'S MAYBE BEEN SIX CASES OF

AIDS.

>> Beckles: HOW MANY BOTTLES OF

AIDS COME IN A CASE?

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

WHAT DO YOU RESPECT MOST ABOUT

ACTRESSES?

>> THEY'RE NOT ACTORS AND

ACTRESSES.

THEY THINK THEY ARE.

THEY'RE NOT.

THEY'RE PIECES OF MEAT TO ME.

>> Beckles: [ LAUGHS ]

SPEAKING OF MEAT, WILL PORN GO

AWAY?

>> PORNO IS REAL CLOSE TO BEING

OVER.

>> Beckles: FOR YOU, FOR...?

>> EVERYBODY. IT'S OVER.

AGAIN, EVERYTHING'S BEEN SHOT,

AND NOBODY'S BUYING THE STUFF

ANYMORE.

WHY BUY PORNO IF YOU CAN GET IT

FOR FREE?

THERE'S SO MUCH FREE [BLEEP] ON

THE INTERNET THAT, UH, NOBODY'S

BUYING VIDEO ANYMORE.

>> Beckles: AFTER TALKING TO

ROB, I REALIZED EVEN THOUGH

PORNOGRAPHY MAY GO AWAY, THE

VISION AND CARE THAT HE HAS IN

HIS CRAFT NEVER WILL.

COMING UP, PAT BLASTS THE

CRITICS OF "VAMPIRE LOVE STORY."

AND DON'T FORGET ABOUT

MAKEOVERS.

>> Roark: AND NOW...

>> ROMANTIC MOMENTS.

>> Beckles: [ CHUCKLES ]

ROMANTIC STUFF.

>> [ GRUNTS ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> HUH? IT'S NICE, ISN'T IT?

>> THIS IS GORGEOUS.

>> IT'S BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT?

>> IT'S GORGEOUS.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, ANYWAY?

>> WELL, I'VE BEEN -- BEEN

TRYING TO GET MY GUTS UP FOR A

LONG TIME, JULIE.

UM...

I WANT TO ASK YOU IF -- IF YOU'D

MARRY ME.

>> YES, I WOULD.

>> YOU WOULD?

>> LOVE YOU.

>> I LOVE YOU.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

[ TELEPHONE BUZZES ]

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

>> WHO THE HELL IS THIS AT 7:00

IN THE MORNING?

>> IT'S 7:00 A.M. IN THE

MORNING.

YOU WANT ME TO PLAY GUESS WHO?

>> THE ONLY THING YOU NEED TO DO

IS WAIT FOR MY FINAL WORD AND

EXECUTE IT.

>> OKAY, OKAY.

>> YOU WORRY ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE

TO DO.

>> OKAY.

>> OKAY?

>> OKAY.

>> YEAH, OKAY.

>> I HAVE TO GO.

>> YOU GET BACK TO WORK.

>> OKAY, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU.

>> SEE YA. I'LL CALL YOU LATER.

AAAAHH! MY [BLEEP] HAND! AAAAHH!

>> UNSETTLING.

>> Aaaahh!

Aaaahh!

[Bleep] it! Aaaahh!

AAAAHH! [BLEEP] AAAAHH!

>> Roark: STAY TUNED FOR THE

SURPRISE RESULTS IN OUR

"H.P. HOLLYWOOD MAKEOVER."

NOW JEFF DEANE TURNER SNEAKS

INTO OUR MINDS AND WHISPERS HIS

TIPS FOR NOBODIES TO BAG THE

CELEB SOMEBODIES.

[ ANIMAL YOWLS ]

>> UH, YOU WERE NEVER VIOLENT

AND YOU'RE NOT A FORNICATOR AND

YOU'VE NEVER USED DOPE, TOBACCO,

OR ALCOHOL, BECAUSE I CAN TELL

YOU FOR SURE, MOST OF THE

CELEBRITY YOUNG LADIES WHO ARE

ACTORS OR SINGERS -- THAT'S WHAT

THEY'RE LOOKING FOR, AND THEY

ARE NATURAL, LIFETIME GENETIC

STRAIGHTS NOW, MOST OF THEM.

SO, I'M GIVING YOU, UH, THE BEST

ADVICE -- CASUAL, GO SLOW, AND

THE ADVICE I GIVE YOU.

>> Roark: LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE

SOME MAKEOVER RESULTS.

>> O'Brien: WOW!

>> Beckles: YEP. REMEMBER KEVIN?

HE WAS BOTH ZEROES IN "007"

UNTIL I STEPPED IN WITH THE

"HOT PACKAGE" MAKEOVER TEAM AND

BASED HIS MAKEOVER LOOK ON THIS

HOLLYWOOD HUNK.

HERE HE IS -- 00-KEVIN.

WE GAVE HIM A NEW WATCH...

>> O'Brien: WOW!

>> GORGEOUS.

>> Beckles: ...NEW VELCRO FOR

HIS SHOES...

>> GORGEOUS.

>> Beckles: ...THE PERFECT HOOPS

FOR HIS FACE TO BRING OUT HIS

BEAUTIFUL NOSE...

>> GORGEOUS.

>> Beckles: ...AND WE LOST THE

BROWS TO GIVE THOSE EYES SOME

ROOM TO BREATHE.

>> O'Brien: [ CHUCKLES ] WOW.

LOOK AT THOSE BABY BLUES POP.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Beckles: AND NOW PAT TAKES ON

THE CRITICS OF

"VAMPIRE LOVE STORY" AND THE

NETWORK THAT CANCELLED IT.

>> O'Brien: IT'S MY "P.O.B.

P.O.V."

FACT -- "VAMPIRE LOVE STORY" IS

A LITTLE SHOW WITH A BIG HEART

AND A COUPLE OF DROPS OF BLOOD

FOR GOOD MEASURE, COUGHING UP

BIG LAUGHS IN SITUATIONS THAT

SUCK YOU RIGHT IN.

SAFE TO SAY "VAMPIRE LOVE STORY"

DELIVERS EXACTLY WHAT THE

DR. VAN HELSING ORDERED.

NOW, SUGGESTION -- FOR THOSE

DISCREDITING THIS BRAVE,

WONDERFUL PIECE OF ARTWORK, LET

ME SAY THIS.

[BLEEP]

>> Beckles: HARD-HITTING STUFF.

LET'S TALK ABOUT IT IN THE

"WRAP-UP ZONE."

WHOO! GREAT PIECE, MY MAN.

>> O'Brien: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> Beckles: YOU NAILED IT.

>> O'Brien: YEAH, I USUALLY DO.

THANK YOU, MAN.

>> Beckles: NAILED IT.

>> O'Brien: REALLY, I APPRECIATE

THAT, DERRICK.

THANKS, MY MAN.

>> Beckles: WHEW! MY MAN.

>> O'Brien: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANKS.

>> UNSETTLING.

>> O'Brien: AND FROM ALL OF US,

UH, PLEASE SEND US SOMETHING.

>> Both: DO THE RIGHT THING.

KEEP SENDING US STUFF.

>> O'Brien: UH, RIGHT.

YOU GOT IT.

[ MID-TEMPO KEYBOARD MUSIC

PLAYS ]

>> * HE LOVES THE BIG GIRL

'CAUSE SHE'S WARM AND JUICY AND

NICE *

* HE LOVES THE FULL GIRL,

AND HE WANTS HIMSELF A SLICE *

>> Beckles: ROMANTIC STUFF.