Original subtitles

- ♪ I pull up ten deep ♪

♪ I military the Jeep ♪

♪ Summon the Grim Reaper ♪

♪ Here's a message from me ♪

♪ I know you thought it's all sweet ♪

♪ But it ain't ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ The picture that you paint don't quite fit the frame ♪

♪ Yeah I go crazy ♪

- Okay. - ♪ I go stupid ♪

♪ I go loco, I go dumb ♪

♪ It's all 'bout where you at ♪

- Transpo has arrived.

I repeat, transpo has arrived.

- Copy. I am en route. I am en route.

- ♪ Nah, I ain't the one, I ain't the two ♪

♪ You gon' mess around and have me on the news ♪

- You think anyone saw me? - No. All clear.

- All right, good, 'cause I'm a lawyer, you know.

I--I uphold the law.

- Yeah, as we break into David's apartment.

I cannot believe that I allowed you guys to talk me into this.

- This would've been a lot cooler if it wasn't a minivan.

- Okay, but it's gonna get us to where we need to go, though.

Okay? - Damn, girl. You movin' in?

- Hardly. Tools of the trade.

I got a blacklight, luminol,

rubber gloves, magnifying glass, hazmat suit--

- I'm sorry. Is that a microscope?

- No hunch too big. No evidence too small.

I like that.

- Go! Go! Go! - What?

- What? - What?

[all screaming]

- [laughs]

I just always wanted to do that.

- Ohh, God, Hazel.

- Whoo. Oh, my God, Hazel.

- All right. The men are confirmed gone.

We got a long drive and an investigation

ahead of us, so let's roll.

- Ladies, sunglasses.

Oh, and seat belts. Safety first, everybody.

Seat belts. - Oh yeah.

- Gotta really give it some-- get into the slack.

- Can't... - Okay.

- Just one second. - Okay.

- Let's go!

- ♪ Beep-beep, is that my bestie in a Tessie? ♪

[tires squealing]

- Skin on tan, ooh, she ready ♪

♪ You look goodt, with a T at the end ♪

♪ I'ma hype her every time, that my mother[...] friend ♪

♪ ♪

- Gotta disable that.

Gotta disconnect that. And gotta hack that.

- Damn, kids today really know their tech.

I could barely work a Roku.

- David and Gary's last scheduled event

ends at 10:00 p.m.,

so we've gotta be outta here by 2300 hours.

- In English, honey. all: 11:00.

- Clock is ticking, so let's get going.

I want anything and everything that points to cheating.

We leave no stone unturned.

- Aww, Hazel, now look. It's the wedding picture.

She was so beautiful that night.

They look like the Obamas but with less money.

Oh, look at Megan Wegan.

She's really grown into her body, mostly her ears.

Oh, God. What am I doing?

- You're supposed to be in the bedroom

searching like we discussed.

- No, I mean what am I actually doing?

I just broke into my best friend's husband's apartment

to try and find some evidence to,

like, destroy their marriage or some shit?

Like, what am I doing?

- I look cute in this, right? - Hazel!

Stop TikToking, bitch.

Are you serious? This is your idea!

We're supposed to be doing shit!

- Their marriage is not over. Ari will just know the truth,

and she will be able to make a more informed decision.

- Yeah, but if you and you and you and you guys all think

that he's guilty, which means that, like,

he probably has cheated, then we have to find evidence.

But do we even need evidence to, like, ruin a family?

- Bree, you're spiraling, all right?

You are a surgeon. You are a mother.

Get it together. All right? We're gonna do a search.

We're gonna get you some answers.

We're gonna see what we find.

- Yeah, and whatever happens

we are going to be there for our girl.

- Okay. Okay.

Sorry, I have to count backwards from 100 to really,

like, take it down sometimes, but thank you so much.

I really needed you guys to check in with me right there,

but also, don't ever do that shit again.

Respect your elders.

All right, bitches. Let's turn this shit up.

- Oh, look. There's candy.

- Hazel, focus.

- Get in there and make those connections.

Brother-to-brother. - Hello.

- Welcome, brother! - Hey, thank you.

- You ready to make some meaningful connections

with your fellow man and with yourself.

- Yes. Actually, I'm here to write a piece

on one of the speakers. I'm a writer.

Mostly I do science fiction. You know, sci-fi.

This is my first non-fi piece. I'm--I'm kidding.

Anyway, embrace the challenge, right?

- I like that spirit. What's your name?

- Gary Washington.

- Washington.

Huh, doesn't look like you're registered, Gary Washington.

We strive to help men make meaningful connections

after they've paid the nonrefundable fee.

- You know what? Try David Montgomery.

That's the person that I'm writing about.

I did mention I was doing a profile piece?

- You did. - Okay, cool.

- Oh, here we go. - Here it is.

- Okay. Boom. - Oh. Uh, okay.

- In the end, I realize that denying the pain

was a way of keeping myself on the battlefield.

Admitting weakness was the bravest thing I ever did.

Thank you.

[applause]

- I'm Ernest. - Oh, okay.

- I'm a father.

I'm a son.

I'm a lover.

- Oh, okay.

- I'm a fighter.

- Okay.

- And a music maker. - Oh, wow. Okay. Cool.

- And you? - Hmm? Oh, I'm Gary. Yeah.

- But who are you? - I'm Gary. Ow.

- Now, please welcome New York State Senator David Montgomery.

[applause]

- Ha-ha-ha-ha.

- Thank you.

I wanna talk today about the enemy inside all of us...

About overcoming obstacles so you can get the career

you want and resist your Mr. Resistor.

Now, let me break this down for you in ten easy steps.

One, have a dream.

Two, establish a plan. Three.

- I can't do this. - Oh, no, no, he just started.

He's got ten.

- I came here to cry, Gary,

not listen to some suit try to sell me vitamins.

- Oh, no, he's not selling vitamins.

He's got a ten-step--

- You wanna go throw axes

and talk about what really scares us?

- No, I'ma let you go throw axes.

- I'll catch you at the group hug.

- Damn it, I don't see shit.

- Hazel! What are you doing? - He may not be cheating,

but a man who organizes his shirts in color progression

has a dead body somewhere. I know it.

- Oh, this is on some definite Dexter Morgan shit.

- Now, you know what? It's time to bring out the big guns.

Hazel, cut the lights.

- What is that? - A sperm light.

Ahh!

Ahh!

Look at him.

Hmm. All right, he might be a little kinky.

Maybe he likes it on the floor! Or on the dresser!

- Okay, Eartha Kitt.

I understand that you trying to be Catwoman right now,

and I really do appreciate it,

but this is David we're talking about.

It's gonna be on the right side of the bed.

Maybe on the side side of the bed.

- [purrs]

- Bam! I'm just sayin'.

I'm comin' through for you hos right now.

Yes. Mm-hmm. Right here. That's right.

Bree got the clutch. That's right. I keep it breezy.

I'm a natural born leader. Excuse me.

You better come to your girl when you wanna find some shit.

This necklace right here.

Uh-huh, this is for the side piece.

- "Here's an early graduation gift for Megan.

"Found it as I was cleaning out the attic.

Love, Aunt Tilda." Mm-hmm.

- Unless David's smashing Aunt Tilda, you got zip.

- Shut up. - All right, look.

At the risk of sounding a little bit bitchy,

could you two, like,

lean into your adultery expertises a little?

- Excuse me? Lean in to our expertise?

Uh-uh. That sounded bitchy.

- Girl, I married your father.

I do not have experience in finding proof.

I have experience in ignoring it.

- Jackpot.

Ladies, exhibit A.

Shea Moisture Moringa Avocado.

- I wanna smell it.

- Oh, I've been dying to use that.

It's really good and expensive.

- There's a hint of musk and avocado.

- David's got good taste. You know what I mean?

If it's good enough for him, it's good enough for me.

- Except David-- - Ah, shit.

all: Doesn't have hair!

- He's a black Kojak.

- This is bitch shit.

- This is all the evidence we need.

- I have seen this before.

Derek explained away a lot of shit with "Baby,

it's a gift for you."

- Excuse me, this is 2/3 full or empty.

I can't remember which.

But this is definitely proof that he's cheating.

- Jackpot, ladies.

I hacked into David's bank account.

- Whoa, you are scary.

- Damn. - Thanks.

Looks like David makes a monthly payment

to sensualromances.com.

- Ooh, you should go to the site.

For research.

- Yep, it's porn. - Oh, wow.

Yeah, that's definitely--oh, how does she bend like--oh.

- Okay, he's paying for porn? That is shady, okay?

He's probably playing it for his mistress.

- Stand down, Mindhunter.

Ari told me that David pays for porn,

because he finds the pop-up ads are distracting.

- That's true. They're distracting.

- What is wrong with everybody?

- All right, well, how about weekly identical payments

to something called Love Me Long Thai?

- Damn, he's really into some stuff.

- Oh, no, actually, that is just a Thai restaurant.

- Hmm, Love Me Long Thai. - Oh, wait a minute. Shit.

Gary is FaceTiming me. I gotta pick it up.

You guys be quiet, okay? - No, just decline the call.

- Yeah. - I cannot decline the call.

We are married, happily married,

and he's gonna know something's wrong

if I don't pick up the call.

Plus, he's like really nervous about this trip.

You guys just be quiet, okay?

- Hey, babe! What's up? - Baby!

Oh, it's so good to see your face. I miss you.

- I miss you too.

Come on, Gar Bear, you know I love you so much.

It's been, like, two hours though.

- I know. I know. How are the kids?

Can I see 'em?

- The kids? Our kids? You wanna see our kids.

Our son and daughter that we have made together.

You wanna see them.

It's so funny, because they're so busy right now.

They're playing the blanket game,

and they can't wait to show you.

- Really? 'Cause it's just-- 'cause they're just so quiet.

- Quiet? Oh, no.

They're not quiet. They're loud.

They're just listening to Michael Jackson.

[all giggling]

- Okay, now--now, they sound weird, baby.

Is everything okay?

- Yeah, Gar Bear, everything is great, okay?

You're supposed to be on a getaway. Now get away.

Love you so much. Mwah!

- I just wanted to say I love y--okay.

- The ending of Armageddon. When the Patriots lose.

When you disappoint your third son.

When your dog dies!

- Oh! - Gary.

- Huh? One second.

Okay, okay, I'll be back. I'll be back.

Keep trying. Keep trying. Keep trying.

Dawg, that was a great talk in there, man.

- Was it? - Mm-hmm.

- No, no, no. I tanked, Gary. - Uh...

- Yeah, I don't think this is my scene.

I--I should bounce. My pollsters are right.

Women love me, of course, but with men,

I'm not somebody they want to have a beer with.

- No, no. I would definitely have a beer with you, man.

You can't leave. There's like

a shit ton of stuff that you're good at.

They have a psychological obstacle course.

I don't know that that means,

and then, oh, it's a rap battle. Okay?

And I've seen you at a karaoke.

I know you can spit a little bit.

- Wait, di--did you just say rap battle?

- I did say rap battle.

- Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. I'm in.

- [lips fluttering]

[peaceful music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Buffalo gal won't you come out tonight ♪

♪ Come out tonight, come out tonight ♪

♪ Buffalo gal won't you come out tonight ♪

♪ And dance by the light of the moon ♪

- What is it? I'm at yoga.

- It's Nigel!

I'm out of town, and he hasn't responded to my text.

Maybe he's dead or kidnapped or trapped underneath my coats.

I need you to go over there. It's an emergency.

- A few hours without a text is not an emergency.

Grandma, may I remind you, today is Saturday.

- Ugh! May I remind you that I sign your paychecks.

I need you to get over there right now

or don't bother comin' in on Monday.

- Namaste. - Do what I say.

What?

Ooh.

[gasps] Oh.

- Soydelish. Huh, no sugar. Nice.

Hey, what's up with this Love Me Long Thai?

- Let's call 'em and find out. - That's a good idea.

- Love Me Long Thai restaurant.

I can take your order. What would you like?

- Hi, I'm not sure.

My husband, Senator David Montgomery,

says you have the best Thai food in town.

- Oh, yes.

We love your husband. He's a regular here.

- Well, I'm not sure what to order for dinner

since he's always there for lunch.

- Lunch? No, he comes for dinner.

He loves our chili pepper oysters with asparagus.

- Interesting.

All aphrodisiacs, hmm. Well, I'm sure it's hard

to find a good business dinner spot.

- Not business dinners. He always brings his laptop.

So sad. So alone.

He tells us he misses you, his wife.

You should come with him.

- Well, thanks. Actually, I'm not hungry anymore.

We'll rain check for later, okay? Bye.

- [clears throat]

How's it going? - A dead end.

The Thai place is playing marriage counselor.

- You'll never believe what I found.

Holy birth control, Batman.

- Oh, shit, and it's already used.

- Frequently and recently.

- [laughs]

Wait... - [whispers indistinctly]

- Oh, shit. - Hide.

Hide, hide, hide.

Where are we gonna hide?

I don't--This isn't my house. I don't know where to hide.

[indistinct whispering]

- Get down.

- [humming]

- It's Vanessa.

- Is that David?

- I know I shouldn't be doing this.

- The nerve! - Whore!

- [screams] - Ohh!

- You should be ashamed of yourself!

- Someone just called me a whore.

- It was me. - And me.

- What the fuck? - What the hell is going on?

- You tell us. What are you doing in David's apartment?

- With your titties hanging all out.

- Mm-hmm. - This doesn't look like work.

- Excuse me, menudo.

Who is this? - What's up? I'm Javier.

I'm just--oh, shit.

Are you Hazel Rachelle?

My mom is such a fan. Can I get a picture?

- Maybe later. - No pics, Bruno Mars!

And pull your pants up, boy!

I can see your medium-sized dick right now.

It's too much!

What in the entire hell is going on here?

- Wait, wait, did Ari send you guys to spy on me?

- Oh, no, no, no. The real question is,

what are you doing in a married man's apartment

with another man?

- What's she talking about? What married man?

- David's my boss.

- Whore! - Bree, try another word.

Like slut. Go get it.

- Okay. - Use that.

- Slut! - Oh, that's good.

- Look, this is my boyfriend, Javier, okay?

Well, ex-boyfriend.

We're kind of in an entanglement.

Look, I can't exactly hook up in my place, you know?

I'm so sorry. Please don't tell David.

I'm begging you, please.

- We won't as long as you cooperate.

- Yeah, we--we have a few other questions.

You're not in the clear yet.

- Oh, God, this is so embarrassing.

And oh, my God, there's a woman on the ceiling!

- Ooh! - Ooh!

- What? - Oh, shit!

I didn't know I could do that.

- I'm so impressed. - You are jumping like you

have health insurance, and I know you don't.

- I don't. - Hey, you know, uh,

me crushing this rap battle

could make for a great ending for the article, right?

- Oh, it'll be an awesome ending for the article, dude.

Come on, man. You got this.

- ♪ First thing's first, watch your tone ♪

♪ You're talking to a senator ♪

♪ You really should be honored that I'm your competitor ♪

♪ But let's me real, man, there's no competition ♪

♪ What's your job? Being a nanny? ♪

♪ Well, I'm a politician ♪

♪ I'm in a different league ♪

♪ You don't fit in my circle ♪

♪ Can't believe I came to battle ♪

♪ And y'all gave me Urkel ♪

♪ I wear the best suits ♪

♪ I'm a success, it's true ♪

♪ But tell me why's it look like your mom ♪

♪ Still dresses you ♪

♪ Feel me? Now, everybody, look at him close up ♪

♪ Ain't he the type to try to talk to girls but froze up? ♪

♪ This isn't personal, I gotta do what I must ♪

♪ Now RIP 'cause I just left you in the dust ♪

♪ You dig? ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Oh, you funny as hell which is fittin' ♪

♪ 'Cause you're a joke ♪

♪ This fake Barack Obama tryna act all woke ♪

♪ Shouldn't have gotten me heated ♪

♪ When you don't want any smoke ♪

♪ You overstepped, it ain't workin' out ♪

♪ Now they watchin' you choke ♪

♪ Okay, my turn ♪

♪ Let's look at him really close ♪

♪ Don't he look like the type ♪

♪ Whose wife be pickin' his clothes ♪

♪ If he was any more dependent, she'd be pickin' his nose ♪

♪ His rap was wack ♪

♪ Maybe she should be pickin' his flows ♪

♪ Man, look at the way that I'm beatin' him ♪

♪ You really want it, come get it then ♪

♪ Everybody's laughing at you like you're a damn comedian ♪

♪ It's over. No need to wonder. Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Your wife can pick the coffin when I put you six feet under ♪

[cheers and applause]

- You got served!

[cheers and applause]

- And the name is Gary Washington!

[cheers and applause]

- Can I get you some Soydelish?

- How would you like that?

With a scoop of birth control?

- Boom, bitch! We found it. Also, your body, your choice.

- What am I on trial for?

I already told you about Javier.

- Do we have to spell it out for you?

- H-O-E.

- Oh, my God. You think I'm sleeping with David.

- You said it.

- Okay, the optics aren't great, but I don't know.

I must've left them earlier.

- Earlier when? - Today.

David asked me to come over and water his little finicky plants

while he was gone. It's such a nice place.

I live with three other people. My bed is in the living room.

- So get a hotel.

- I have student loans.

- What about a motel? - Eww. That's nasty.

- Yeah. - That is kinda nasty.

- You're right. - I messed up by coming here.

- Understatement. - Look, David is the best boss

I've ever had,

and I can tell he's a great husband too.

- Says the woman that's been married how many times?

- Zip. Zero.

- That's none.

- When he's not talking about work,

all he talks about is his family.

- That is sweet. - That's so beautiful.

- He's, like, loving. - Just like David.

- Really? Don't fall for that.

- She has not answered everything.

- Yeah, cut the bullshit, Vanessa.

What is this?

- Oh, that is Shea Moisture.

The moringa and avocado reconstructor.

It's the best. Let me tell you, I use it all the time.

- We know what it is!

What the hell is it doing in David's apartment?

- Seems like you've been using it.

- What?

No, no, no, I actually gave that to David, because--

- Because what? - Because it adds moisture.

Okay, listen. I'm trying to correct a trend,

because David has been polling as ashy.

- All right, hold up. I'ma look this up

on Gallup right now. Whoa, yep.

It does seem that David is suffering from an ash factor.

11% polled it as tragic.

- Okay, I gotta take this. - Now?

- What? Just ignore it. - I got shit going on too.

And he does look ashy.

- Damn.

- Don't hang up. Don't hang up. Don't hang up.

Hello? What's the tea?

- There's no emergency.

- Uh, so he's not trapped under a wine fridge

just out of reach of his phone? 'Cause I figured

that's the only way he wouldn't hit me back.

- Well, here's another way.

Maybe he doesn't want to talk to you right now, Hazel.

Sometimes that happens.

- He doesn't wanna talk to me! - Hazel.

- He doesn't wanna talk-- - Hazel!

Excuse me, but this is not our home, and we broke in,

and you are just a Black woman

yelling on a porch calling all the Karens!

- Oh, you're right. You're right. You're right.

- Yeah, you wanna be on the "Today Show?" Come on.

- Okay.

Where is low-budget Omarosa?

- We let her leave. She's telling the truth

so no point in interrogating her anymore.

- Hazel, who were you screaming at?

- Curtis. Nigel and I had a fight,

and he's acting like it's the end of the goddamn world.

- Well, if you date a kid, expect him to act like a kid.

- Can you warm me before you hit me with a truth bomb?

- Oh, it's Gary.

Okay, it's my turn on the porch.

- You think I can use your services.

- Tech? Yeah, I can help.

- Hey, baby. - Hey, babe.

David left the retreat. I think I pissed him off.

- Oh, what now?

- Hazel, what're you gonna do about Nigel?

- You guys! You guys! Oh, my God!

- What? - What is it?

- Gary said that he gave David the beats!

- What does that mean?

- It means David is on his way now!

He's coming here now! We've gotta clean all this up!

[all screaming]

- The laptop's on fire!

- We need water!

[all screaming]

- Oh!

- Flour?

Who the hell puts out a fire with flour!

- Girl, I'm sorry! I just saw sparks flying,

and I grabbed the closest thing to me.

- [sobbing]

I'm gluten-free!

- I mean, it's not leaving a mark.

But it's definitely caked in there.

- Oh, no. - It's in her hair.

- Oh, shit.

All right, we gotta do something quick

'cause David's cell phone just pinged from 17 miles away.

- Okay, okay, okay.

We'll just send him some money on the Veen-mo,

and then we can get the hell outta here.

- Okay, Hazel, we can't "Veen-mo" him the money,

'cause then he's gonna know it's us, bitch.

- Well, you got a better idea, bitch?

- Ladies, calm down.

Since it already looks like a break-in,

let's just lean all the way in and make it an actual break-in.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.

And then insurance will cover the damages.

- And how are we supposed to do that?

[zipper unzips]

- ♪ You don't own me ♪

all: Ooh. Ohh.

- Hell yeah. I could get down with this.

- Ooh, it's hammer time.

- Don't mess with Hazel Rachelle.

- And, I'll make this work.

- ♪ Don't tell me what to do ♪

♪ And don't tell me what to say ♪

♪ Please, when I go out with you ♪

♪ Don't put me on display ♪

♪ You don't own me ♪

♪ Don't try to change me in any way ♪

♪ You don't own me ♪

- Ahh!

- ♪ Don't tie me down, 'cause I'd never stay ♪

- Ahh!

Wahh!

- ♪ Don't tell me what to do ♪

- Ahh!

- ♪ Please, when I go out with you ♪

♪ Don't put me on display ♪

- ♪ Re-really though, Honestly ♪

- Hold up. Hold up.

Ladies, hold up!

Daddy's home.

- ♪ Yeah yeah ♪

♪ Girl gang, girl gang, squad goals, bang bang ♪

- Holy shit. - ♪ Sauced up, sauced up ♪

God, can this day get any worse?

- ♪ Brought the troop out ♪

- Oh. - ♪ And they all bang ♪

♪ Girl gang, girl gang ♪ - Oh, yeah!

- ♪ Girl gang, girl gang, girl gang, girl gang ♪

♪ Yeah, squad goals, bang bang ♪

- Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

[all screaming]

[tires squealing]

- Whoo!

- You're right! That is fun to say!

[laughter]

Oh, my goodness. Good work, ladies.

Now, we may have smashed the place,

but at least we know he's not cheating.

- Right. - Yeah, mission accomplished.

- Oh, yeah. Now, I'm gonna text Ari

and let her know that David is as boring as always.

- Well, that's for sure.

- And we gotta go somewhere where we can get plucked.

- I know that's right. - Ooh, and I have to call Gary,

because I hung up on him so quick

when he said David was home-- well, coming home.

I just have to--

can someone just call my phone?

- Oh, I'll call it.

- Don't tell me you left your phone in David's apartment.

- No, I'm not saying that. I'm not gonna tell that to you.

- ♪ Troop out ♪

- Hello, this is David Montgomery.

I'd like to report a break-in at my apartment.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Girl gang, girl gang ♪

- ♪ Number one yeah, I'm still number one ♪

- ♪ Hell yeah ♪

- ♪ Number one, always be number one ♪

- ♪ Ah-ooh ♪

- ♪ Party down took you from minor to major ♪

- ♪ Ah-ooh ♪

♪ You wanted video, the fruits of my labor ♪

- ♪ Hell yeah ♪

- ♪ Number one yeah, I'm still number one ♪

- ♪ Hell yeah ♪

- ♪ Number one, always be number one ♪

- ♪ Ah-ooh ♪

- ♪ Don't forget it, yeah, I'm still number one ♪

- ♪ Hell yeah ♪

[fingers snap] - Whoo!

[animal bleats]