Original subtitles

GOOD EVENING, FIEND FANS,

AND WELCOME TO MY CRAWLY CRYPT.

THIS LITTLE DRAMA

IS ABOUT ONE OF LIFE'S UNEXPECTED PLEASURES--

DYING, THAT IS.

MOST OF US ONLY GET TO DO IT ONCE.

THEN IT'S ALL OVER BEFORE YOU CAN REALLY ENJOY IT.

BUT ONE MAN DID GET TO DIE AGAIN,

AND HE LIKED IT SO MUCH,

HE STARTED DOING IT FOR A LIVING.

THIS IS THE STORY OF ULRIC THE UNDYING,

A SIDE SHOW PERFORMER

WHO FOUND DEATH NOT ONLY FUN,

BUT PROFITABLE.

IN FACT, HE'S DYING TO PUT ON A SHOW FOR YOU...

RIGHT NOW.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CAT MEOWS]

[MAN TALKING]

[KIDS ON RIDE SCREAMING WITH EXCITEMENT]

[PEOPLE TALKING]

COME GATHER ROUND, GATHER ROUND.

COME FROM FAR, COME FROM NEAR.

GATHER ROUND, FOLKS, RIGHT OVER HERE.

COME SEE THE SHOW-- 100% NATURAL,

NOTHING ARTIFICIAL, GUARANTEED NO PESTICIDES,

AH, BUT PERHAPS A HOMICIDE.

TONIGHT, A SPECIAL SHOW,

TWO SHOWS IN ONE--

THE TRAGEDY OF DEATH

AND THE MIRACLE OF RESURRECTION!

OH! OH!

TONIGHT, THIS MAN,

OUR VERY OWN ULRIC THE UNDYING,

WILL BE SEALED INTO A COFFIN

AND BURIED IN A GRAVE 6 FEET UNDER

TO AWAIT HIS INEVITABLE EXPIRATION

BY THE GRASP OF SUFFOCATION.

I CALL TO YOUR ATTENTION A CLOCK

WHICH HANGS ABOVE HIS GRAVE.

ULRIC WILL BE BURIED ALIVE

AT PRECISELY THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT,

BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA LET HIM OUT UNTIL NOON TOMORROW,

AT WHICH TIME HIS PRECIOUS,

PRECIOUS OXYGEN WILL HAVE BEEN EXHAUSTED.

HA HA HA HA HA! FOLKS, THIS IS AN ESCAPE

THAT HOUDINI HIMSELF COULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF.

I GIVE TO YOU ULRIC THE UNDYING!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

ULRIC! ULRIC!

All: ULRIC! ULRIC!

ULRIC! ULRIC!

ULRIC! ULRIC!

ULRIC! ULRIC!

ULRIC! ULRIC!

ULRIC! ULRIC!

ULRIC! ULRIC!

ULRIC! ULRIC!

ULRIC! ULRIC!

ULRIC! ULRIC! ULRIC!

WHEN THEY DIG ME UP, I'LL BE DEAD,

JUST LIKE ALL THOSE BASTARDS WANT ME TO BE,

BUT I WON'T STAY THAT WAY.

I REMEMBER THE DAY IT ALL BEGAN.

[COUGHING]

[CAT MEOWING]

[COUGHING]

AAH!

WHO ARE YOU?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE RICH?

HEY...

RICHER THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE.

RICHER THAN YOU EVER DREAMED OF.

HMM.

THIS MONEY, MY LIFE SAVINGS,

WILL BE YOURS

IF YOU CONSENT TO A SMALL EXPERIMENT.

[CAT MEOWING] UH...

HA HA HA!

YES, MY FRIEND.

COME.

WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND.

THIS-- YOU'LL PARDON THE TERM--

IS A CAT SCAN.

IT SHOWS BLOOD FLOW INTO THE BRAIN

OF A HEALTHY HOUSE CAT.

THIS SHOWS THE BRAIN OF A CAT NEAR DEATH.

WHAT'S YOUR POINT, DOC?

MY POINT IS THAT THIS CAT DIDN'T DIE.

NOT PERMANENTLY.

AN HOUR LATER, HE WAS HEALTHY AS A KITTEN,

AND THE SAME THING HAPPENED AGAIN AND AGAIN

UNTIL THE NINTH TIME, WHEN HE FINALLY STAYED DEAD.

OH. DIFFERENT CAT, HUH?

WHAT'S ALL THIS GOT TO DO WITH ME?

WELL, I...

I WANT TO GIVE YOU THOSE NINE LIVES.

DON'T TOUCH!

THE NEXT BEST THING TO BEING IMMORTAL.

IT'S A SIMPLE MATTER, REALLY,

REMOVING A GLAND FROM A COMMON CAT

AND SURGICALLY

GRAFTING IT INTO YOUR BRAIN.

MY BRAIN?

OHHH...

SO I CAN DIE NINE TIMES!

NOW YOU'RE MAKING SENSE, DOC.

AND THIS IS WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT, HUH?

I'M GOING TO GET YOUR GLAND,

AND THESE ARE THE TOOLS OF THE PROFESSION.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

IF THIS DON'T WORK--

IF IT DOESN'T WORK,

YOU'LL HAVE NO COMPLAINTS.

UHH!

HOLY...

CHRIST, I'VE HAD HANGOVERS BEFORE,

BUT THIS IS TERRIBLE.

MY HEAD.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, DOC.

YOU DIDN'T SAY YOU WERE GOING TO SHAVE MY HEAD.

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

SHITTY.

DOC, DID IT WORK?

ABSOLUTELY. FABULOUS.

FANTASTIC!

YOU NOW HAVE THE NINE LIVES OF THIS POOR CAT.

WAIT A MINUTE.

HOW DO I KNOW I'VE GOT NINE LIVES?

THIS OUGHT TO KILL YOU.

NO, DOC! NO!

[SHORT BEEP]

[FLATLINING]

THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

NO!

WELCOME BACK TO LIFE, MY FRIEND.

YOU--YOU BASTARD!

YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!

I DIDN'T TRY TO KILL YOU.

DID KILL YOU,

DEADER THAN KELSEY'S NUTS!

AND YOU CAN STILL DIE EIGHT MORE TIMES.

ALL RIGHT. IF THAT'S TRUE,

WHEN DO I GET MY MONEY?

AS I PROMISED, RIGHT NOW,

BUT BEFORE YOU STAGGER INTO THE NEAREST BAR

TO SLURP DOWN YOUR MONEY,

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE 100 TIMES MORE, 1,000?

NO! NO! WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT TO DO TO ME?

NOTHING, DEAR BOY. I JUST THOUGHT

PERHAPS YOUR SPECIAL TALENT

COULD MAKE US BOTH A LOT OF MONEY,

ENOUGH TO FINANCE MY YEARS

OF MY LONGEVITY RESEARCH

AND ENOUGH, OF COURSE,

TO BUY YOU AN OCEAN OF ALCOHOL.

WHAT DO I GOTTA DO?

FIRST, YOU NEED TO SHAVE.

TRY NOT TO CUT YOUR OWN THROAT.

THOSE EXTRA LIVES ARE TOO VALUABLE TO WASTE.

WHY NOT?

IT'D BE WORTH MILLIONS.

NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED. I'VE SEEN ESCAPE ACTS.

THE ONLY THING THAT DISAPPEARS IS THE AUDIENCE.

YEAH, BUT ULRIC THE UNDYING IS DIFFERENT.

YOU SEE, HE DOESN'T ESCAPE.

HE ACTUALLY DIES RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES.

THAT'S WHY WE CAN ONLY SCHEDULE

A LIMITED NUMBER OF PERFORMANCES.

HE DIES?

YES.

OK, STRANGELOVE, I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT.

I HOPE IT WORKS. I COULD USE THE MONEY.

MY FREAKS NEED A NEW SHOE.

[THUNDER]

GATHER ROUND, GATHER ROUND

AS ULRIC THE UNDYING DEFIES THE DROWNING CHAMBER,

A WATERY NIGHTMARE FROM WHICH THERE IS NO ESCAPE,

THREE MINUTES IS ENOUGH TO KILL ANY MERE MORTAL,

BUT ULRIC WILL REMAIN UNDERWATER

FOR A FULL HOUR,

AS VERIFIED BY THE EMINENT DR. MANFRED MANN.

DR. EMIL MANFRED.

WHATEVER YOU SAY, DOC. ULRIC, ARE YOU READY?

HUH?

ARE YOU READY?

OH, YEAH, I'M READY.

OK, BOYS. FILL HER UP.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

AS THE WATER ENGULFS ULRIC,

I BEG YOU TO CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS.

MAKE NO MOVE TO SAVE HIM!

SORRY. STAND BACK!

DO YOU WANT TO HAVE DINNER AFTER?

DO YOU WANT TO HAVE DINNER

WITH ME LATER?

HE WAS A CHILD PRODIGY...

DINNER.

DINNER WITH ME LATER.

DINNER! AHH! EAT!

YOU WANT TO EAT WITH ME LATER

AFTER YOU'RE DEAD?

YOU--I'LL WAIT HERE, OK?

[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

[SCREAMING]

OH, OH! OH, OH, OH! OH!

SPEED IT UP, SPEED IT UP.

THAT'S IT! HE'S DEADER

THAN A POSSUM ON THE INTERSTATE.

HE'S DEADER THAN SHIT!

DON'T WORRY, FOLKS.

WE'RE GONNA STILL KEEP HIM IN THERE

FOR A FULL HOUR!

MAY I HAVE THE OFFICIAL CLOCK?

[TICKING]

[ALARM RINGS]

HE'S DEAD.

HE'S OFFICIALLY DEAD.

THANK YOU, DR. MANFRED.

DRAIN THE TANK.

THIS MAY SEEM LIKE ULRIC'S LAST PERFORMANCE,

BUT DON'T GO AWAY YET, FOLKS,

FOR ULRIC IS A MAN WHO LIVES ONLY TO DIE AGAIN.

I GIVE YOU RESURRECTION!

RESURRECTION!

IS HE GONNA COME BACK FOR DINNER?

OF COURSE HE'S GONNA COME BACK. RESURRECTION,

DOC, RESURRECT!

RESURRECTION! COME BACK!

COME BACK! [CROWD BOOING]

FOLKS, DON'T GO AWAY. DOC! DOC, YOU CAN

GET IN TROUBLE IN SOME STATES FOR THIS.

RESURRECTION! RESURRECTION!

FOLKS! FOLKS, DON'T GO AWAY.

RESURRECTION!

I'LL BE HAPPY TO GIVE YOU A RAIN CHECK.

RESURRECTION!

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

FOLKS, FOLKS, LISTEN.

OH! OH!

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN THERE?

HOW COULD YOU LET HIM DO IT?

IT'S YOUR FAULT HE'S DEAD.

[SPLASH] AAH!

IT'S HIS FAULT I'M RICH! HA HA HA!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, HONEY?

UH...CORALEE.

HEY, CORALEE,

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SOME ITALIAN FOOD?

I'M BUYING.

THAT'D BE GREAT!

DOC, GET ME A TOWEL.

HE'S ALIVE!

HEY, I'M RESURRECTED!

DOC!

RESURRECTION!

HE'S ALIVE!

RESURRECTION!

GATHER ROUND, GATHER ROUND.

HA HA HA HA!

JUST THINK, DOC.

10 GRAND JUST TO LET THEM WATCH ME DROWN

ON THE 10:00 NEWS.

DON'T FORGET YOU AGREED THAT 60%

GOES TO CONTINUE MY LONGEVITY RESEARCH.

HEY, DOC, RELAX. WE GOT A PARTNERSHIP,

AND I GOT A DATE.

HI.

HI.

THAT'S ONE THING I'LL SAY

FOR OLD DOC MANFRED.

HE WASTED NO TIME GETTING ME KILLED AGAIN.

GATHER ROUND, GATHER ROUND

FOR A LITTLE FRONTIER JUSTICE

AS OUR OWN ULRIC THE UNDYING

IS GONNA HAVE A LITTLE NECKTIE PARTY

AS HE GETS HIS NECK STRETCHED

BEFORE OUR VERY EYES.

SEEMS LIKE A NICE DAY TO DIE.

I BECAME A SENSATION.

CROWDS WOULD GATHER FROM MILES AROUND

JUST TO SEE ME BITE THE BIG ONE.

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? THANKS FOR COMIN'.

THANKS FOR COMIN' BACK. SEEN YOU LAST TIME HERE.

OH, COME ON! COME ON!

LADIES, GENTLEMEN, TEXANS, AND OTHER FAINT-HEARTED,

YOU MAY WANT TO TURN YOUR EYES AWAY

FROM THIS HORRIBLE EXAMPLE OF WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU DO THE DIRTY

IN THE DIRTY TOWN OF DASTARDLY.

PULL THE LEVER.

I SAID I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!

PULL IT!

CORALEE, PULL THE LEVER!

YOU DO IT! I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!

WELL, THERE'S NOT MUCH RIDING UPSTAIRS,

BUT DOWNSTAIRS IN WHAT'S COUNTING.

CORALEE, PULL THE LEVER.

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT.

I DON'T WANT--

UH-OH!

HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

HE'S ALIVE! HE'S ALIVE!

CORALEE, THE ROPE, THE ROPE. GRAB THE ROPE.

CORALEE, I DON'T WANT TO WASTE A LIFE.

CORA--AAAAH!

HEY, DOC, THERE'S AN AWFUL LOT OF MONEY

IN DYING, ISN'T THERE?

AS LONG AS I GET MY PERCENTAGE.

HEY, DOC, NO PROBLEM. I MEAN, AFTER ALL,

YOU'RE THE GUY COUNTING THE MONEY, RIGHT?

HEY, ALL I WANT IS MY SHARE.

HI, BABY!

HI, BABY. DOC, THANKS A MILLION!

THANKS A MILLION!

ULRIC! [DOOR SLAMS]

Coralee: I WANT TO SEE MR. FRIENDLY.

[GIGGLES]

I FIGURED IT WAS TIME TO BOOST MY PROFITS,

SO I WAITED JUST FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT.

THINK WHAT A STRANGE MACHINE

THE HUMAN BODY IS, ULRIC.

YEAH. HOW ABOUT THAT?

YOU CAN KILL A MAN BY DESTROYING

LESS THAN 1% OF HIS BODY.

HE CAN BE 99% HEALTHY AND DEAD.

AMAZING, ISN'T IT?

EVERY HUMAN BODY

IS LIKE A WALKING CHEMISTRY SET.

AND IF ANYTHING HAPPENS

TO UPSET THAT DELICATE BALANCE...

DEATH. JEEZ.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE SO AMAZING, ULRIC,

BECAUSE YOUR BODY FIXES ITSELF.

AND IT'S GOING TO MAKE US BOTH A LOT OF MONEY.

WELL, DOC, YOU'RE HALF RIGHT ABOUT THAT.

SEE, IT'S GOING TO MAKE ME A LOT OF MONEY.

SEE, I GOTTA BREACH OUR CONTRACT, DOC.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE

IN A TERRIBLE CAR ACCIDENT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THAT'S MURDER.

YEAH, DOC, BUT WHO'S GOING TO SUSPECT ME?

I MEAN, AFTER ALL, I'LL DIE WITH YOU.

BUT, HEY, I'VE GOT SIX LIVES.

ULRIC! WAIT! SLOW DOWN!

HA HA HA HA!

WAIT!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[SHATTERING GLASS]

NO HARD FEELINGS, DOC.

GATHER ROUND! GATHER ROUND!

TONIGHT, A SPECIAL DELIGHT.

THIS IS NO HOAX, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

IN A FEW MINUTES, OUR OWN ULRIC,

THE MAN WHO LIVES TO DIE WILL BE QUICK-FRIED

WITH A BURST OF ELECTRICAL ENERGY!

AND ONE OF YOU LUCKY FOLKS

IS GONNA BE THE ONE TO PULL THE SWITCH!

[APPLAUSE]

CORALEE, WILL YOU DRAW THE LUCKY NUMBER?

THE HONORS...

UM... THE LUCKY NUMBER IS...

OH! OH! 5, 2--

THAT'S 1. IT'S A 5.

10590!

AW! AW!

THAT'S ME! HA HA HA!

[APPLAUSE]

COME UP HERE AND CLAIM YOUR PRIZE!

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU GET TO FRY MY BOYFRIEND!

ULRIC! DO YOU HAVE ANY LAST WORDS?

YES, I DO.

I'D LIKE TO DEDICATE THIS DEATH

TO THE MEMORY OF DR. EMIL MANFRED,

MY DEAR FRIEND,

WHO WOULD HAVE WANTED ME TO CONTINUE--

SHUT UP AND COOK HIM!

ARE YOU READY?

YOU BET YOUR ASS, I'M READY!

I'M READY TO DIE.

HA HA HA!

THEN NUKE HIM!

GO FOR IT, GRANDMA!

SHOCKING, ISN'T IT?

GO FOR THE BURN!

LOOKS LIKE THAT'S THE END

OF OLD ULRIC, EH?

SHAKE AND BAKE.

RESURRECTION!

OR ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE

A LIAR OUT OF ME?

RESURRECTION!

OK, ULRIC.

ULRIC?

ULRIC!

RESURRECTION!

JUST A GAG, FOLKS. HE'S A KIDDER.

COME ON, ULRIC, RESURRECTION.

Audience member: RESURRECTION!

SHE DID IT! THE CHAMP!

GRANDMA KILLED MY BOYFRIEND!

YAY!

THERE'S NO PULSE HERE.

HE'S GOING FOR A NEW WORLD RECORD!

THAT'S ONE THING I HADN'T FIGURED.

SOME RESURRECTIONS TAKE LONGER THAN OTHERS.

APPRECIATE YOUR BUSINESS.

ALL RIGHT, NOW.

FIRST WE DRAIN--

LADIES AND--

AAAH!

DON'T! YOU CAN'T EMBALM HIM!

HE'S, UM... HE'S NOT REALLY DEAD.

WELL, YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.

NOW, PLEASE EXCUSE ME.

I HAVE A VERY TIGHT SCHEDULE.

AAAAH!

HEY, HONEY. WELCOME BACK.

CORALEE, BABY, WHAT WAS OUR TAKE?

OH! 50,625!

ALL RIGHT!

WORTH DYING FOR, HONEY, WORTH DYING FOR.

LISTEN, I MISSED YOU WHILE I WAS DEAD.

DID YOU MISS ME?

OH, I MISSED YOU!

OOH, THAT ONE--WHOO! THAT ONE, THAT ONE--WHOO!

THAT ONE WAS TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT.

I MEAN, IF THIS GUY EMBALMS ME,

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN COME BACK.

AND EVEN IF I CAN...UGH.

SO THE NEXT TIME, I MADE SPECIAL ARRANGEMENTS.

CORALEE WAS GOING TO GET MY BODY NO MATTER WHAT.

GATHER ROUND! GATHER ROUND!

SHOOT AN ARROW, LAY THE BEAR IN THE GROUND!

NOW FOR YOUR PLEASURE, FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY,

IS YOUR CHANCE TO KILL A REAL LIVE HUMAN BEING!

COME ON, I'M DYING TO DIE!

COME ON, HIT ME, HIT ME. AHHHHHH!

IN THE HEART! IN THE HEART!

GIVE HIM A "HEART" ON, AS IT WILL. HA HA!

YEAH!

YES, COME ON UP HERE!

OH! OH! A MAN OF THE SEA.

COME ON.

COME ON UP HERE, SON.

COME ON UP HERE, ADMIRAL.

COME ON, NAVY, LET'S GO!

SHOW THAT BIMBO WHAT YOU'VE GOT!

THAT WILL BE $1,000, PLEASE.

COME ON, COME ON! WHAT'S $1,000

WHEN YOU GET TO KILL A REAL HUMAN BEING?

YEAH! COME ON!

WHAT ARE YOU, AFRAID?

YES? NO? WELL, THEN, ANCHORS AWAY, POPEYE.

OK, MOVE AWAY. MOVE AWAY.

COME ON, LET'S GO! WHO'LL BE NEXT?

COME ON! WHAT AN OPPORTUNITY!

OH, HERE'S A MACHO MAN! HA HA HA HA!

YOU'VE BEEN PUMPING IRON, I SEE, HUH?

UH, YES, WE DO TAKE CREDIT CARDS.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER!

HA HA HA! HA HA HA!

HA HA HA! HA HA HA!

WELL, OK, STEP RIGHT UP THERE, SON. TIME IS MONEY.

COME ON, BONZO!

DON'T PLAY TO THE CROWD. PLAY TO THE BEAR.

THAT'S THE ONE YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL.

COME ON. HE'S DYING TO DIE! HA HA HA!

COME ON, ASSHOLE! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT HAT?

SHOOT HIM!

HIT THE BEAR!

ONE SHOT! ONE SHOT YOU HAVE HERE. COME ON, BOY!

YOU CAN DO IT! I KNOW YOU CAN!

THE BEAR'S OVER THERE. THE BEAR'S OVER THERE.

Man: I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE!

Woman: AH! HE'S GONNA KILL US ALL!

THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT. YOU READY? ARE YOU READY?

AIM! FIRE!

[JEERING, BOOING] NICE SHOT!

OH! SO NEAR AND YET SO FAR!

AS THE FRENCH SAY, ZE TOUGH SHIT!

HA HA HA HA HA!

WHO'S NEXT? COME ON, FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!

JUNIOR'S GOING TO GIVE IT A TRY!

A FATHER AND SON TEAM!

YOU CAN DO IT. COME ON, I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.

WHAT DO WE OWE YOU, $1,000?

$1,000, PLEASE.

WELL WORTH IT FOR MY SON.

COME ON, JUNI--

I DON'T WANT TO.

JUNIOR, DON'T BE A SISSY NOW.

I DON'T WANT TO. JUNIOR...

LISTEN TO YOUR FATHER, SON. LISTEN TO YOUR FATHER.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON. I'M GONNA GET YOU

A JUNIOR MEMBERSHIP IN THE N.R.A.

SOME KIDS KILL RABBITS. YOU CAN KILL PEOPLE.

COME ON, NOW. PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

I DON'T WANT TO KILL ANYBODY.

I'VE BEEN KILLING PEOPLE FOR YEARS AND NOW IT'S YOUR TURN.

COME ON, YOU CAN LINE IT UP.

NO. STEADY.

NOW!

[CROWD MURMURING]

OH! OH!

YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE, JUNIOR.

I DIDN'T DO IT, DAD.

YOU DID IT ON PURPOSE, JUNIOR.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO HIT HIM IN THE BALLS.

You little fat fucker.

ALL RIGHT, WHO'LL BE NEXT?

COME ON! A PERSONAL CHECK?

YES, WE TAKE PERSONAL CHECKS.

I'LL NEED TWO PIECES OF IDENTIFICATION, PLEASE.

OH, LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT THIS!

STATE FAIR ARCHERY CHAMPION 1987!

OOH! YAY!

WELL, IF ANYONE CAN HIT HIM, I GUESS HE CAN, HUH?

GO GET HIM, SIR, AND GOOD LUCK TO YOU!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

SWEET DREAMS, ULRIC!

HE'S DEAD!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

SO WHAT DO I WIN?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THE LOVELY CORALEE.

CONGRATULATIONS, SIR.

AWESOME! OH, YEAH!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT FOR IT?

I NEED SOMEONE TO HELP ME MOVE THE BODY.

I'M SORRY, BUT YOU CAN'T MOVE HIM.

I HAVE A SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT WITH THE DECEASED.

DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.

HE TOLD ME TO GIVE YOU THIS

IF THERE WAS ANY OBJECTION.

HOLY SHIT.

THIS IS MORE MONEY THAN I MAKE IN A YEAR.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

CAN I HELP MOVE THE BODY?

YEAH.

YOU MADE THE FRONT PAGE!

SHITTY PICTURE.

HOW YOU FEELING, HONEY?

BABY, THIS DYING SHIT'S TAKING YEARS OFF MY LIFE.

OH, POOR BABY.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I'LL GET IT. WHO IS IT?

GATHER ROUND. GATHER ROUND.

HERE WE GO. 80% OF THE BOX OFFICE TAKE,

PAYOLA FROM HBO,

AND SOME SIDE BET MONEY, TOO.

[SNAPS]

YOU KNOW, ULRIC BUBBY,

ON A MORE PERSONAL NOTE,

I WANT YOU TO SINCERELY KNOW HOW--

HOW MUCH I--

60 GRAND.

MIES SU CARNY.

60,000. CORALEE, BABY.

YEAH?

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE TAKE A VACATION?

GO TO VEGAS, CATCH WAYNE NEWTON'S ACT,

HOP OVER TO THE BAHAMAS,

AND THEN WE'LL SKIP OVER TO PARIS.

DID I TELL YOU?

POLANSKI WANTS TO FILM MY LIFE STORY.

ALL OF 'EM.

YEAH? THAT SOUNDS WONDERFUL!

BUT I HAVE AN EVEN BETTER IDEA.

I'LL GO ON VACATION...

AND YOU...

...CAN STAY HERE!

[ECHOES] STAY HERE! STAY HERE!

ECCH!

[HISSING]

UH, SORRY. UH...

UM, I'VE GOT TO GO NOW.

NO HARD FEELINGS, HOWEVER, OK?

'CAUSE, UM...

JUST, YOU KNOW,

ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR, UM...

OH, BYE, MR. FRIENDLY--

THE REST OF YOUR LIVES.

YES! LOOK OUT, VANNA.

GRRR!

THAT BITCH DOUBLE-CROSSED ME.

SHE KILLED ME AND TOOK THE MONEY

THAT I DIED FOR.

WELL, I STILL HAVE ONE LIFE LEFT.

AND THIS LIFE IS GOING TO PAY ME PLENTY.

YOU WANT WHAT?

I WANT EVERYTHING.

ALL OF THE PROFITS, 100%.

100%? BUT THAT'LL LEAVE ME WITH PRACTICALLY NOTHING.

LOOK, ASSHOLE, DON'T YOU REMEMBER

WHAT A SHITHOUSE THIS PLACE WAS

BEFORE I SHOWED UP?

BESIDES, I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK

WHAT WILL THE AUDIENCE DO

WHEN THEIR STAR ATTRACTION

PULLS A NO-SHOW.

THAT'S BLACKMAIL.

THAT'S RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT?

ALL RIGHT, 100%.

MAN, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN LIVE WITH YOURSELF.

I DON'T.

[KIDS ON RIDE SCREAMING WITH EXCITEMENT]

THAT SUCKER.

IF I WANTED, I COULD HAVE GOT A SHARE

FROM HIS CORN DOG CONCESSIONS.

HA HA HA HA!

BY THE OLD CLOCK ON MY WRIST,

IT SEEMS THAT HIS HOUR HAS APPROACHED.

COME ON, BOYS. THE TIME HAS COME.

LOWER HIM DOWN. THERE WE GO.

HEY, LISTEN, ULRIC, WHEN YOU GET TO HELL,

DON'T FORGET TO WRITE. HA HA HA!

HEY, HERE'S MUD IN YOUR EYE. HA HA HA!

Ulric: ALTHOUGH I DO FEEL A LITTLE BAD ABOUT THE DOC,

EH, BUT, WHAT THE HAY?

I'M ALREADY SET FOR LIFE.

AND ALL BECAUSE OF THAT POOR LITTLE KITTY.

POOR DEAD LITTLE KITTY.

TOO BAD HE HAD TO DIE--

WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT CAT...IT DIED.

IF IT ALREADY DIED ONCE...

[INHALES DEEPLY]

IT ONLY HAD EIGHT LIVES LEFT.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

OH, MY GOD!

[INHALES DEEPLY]

I DON'T HAVE NINE LIVES.

HEY! HEY, SOMEBODY!

WELL, HE OUGHT TO BE

ABOUT OUT OF AIR BY NOW.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

GORLOFF, IT'S ALL A FAKE.

YEAH, YOU THINK SO?

OF COURSE. YOU DON'T THINK

THEY'D REALLY LET SOMEONE DIE DOWN THERE?

SOMEBODY WAIT!

I DON'T HAVE NINE LIVES!

[EERIE YOWL]

DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING, AL?

NAAH. PROBABLY JUST A CAT.

YEAH...RIGHT.

JUST A CAT.

SOMEBODY! I DON'T HAVE NINE LIVES!

SOMEBODY!

LET ME OUT!

[GASPS]

[EERIE YOWL]

[MEOWS]

THERE, THERE.

NICE KITTY.

GET!

HA HA HA!

HOPE YOU ENJOYED OUR LITTLE BEDTIME STORY, KIDS!

ALAS, POOR ULRIC, MISSED A BET,

DYING FOR DOLLARS COULD HAVE BEEN

A POPULAR GAME SHOW.

THEY COULD HAVE PUT IT IN BETWEEN

WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE THE NEWLY DEAD GAME!

HA HA!

UNLESS THEY BURIED IT IN THE WRONG TIME SLOT.

HA HA HA!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--