Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

DISTANT DANCE MUSIC

And I-I sh-should have realised the...

..that the diarrhoea was... a warning sign.

Mm.

It just went... on and on...

..until she passed.

It was almost... as if... she...

..pooed away her entire body.

Ooh.

HE GASPS Oh, dear.

Erm... HE GASPS

I saw you the other day.

What do you mean?

You were...

You were rubbing in your sleeping bag.

You were making lovely noises.

I.. I.. Sorry, I... I don't know what you're...

HE RUBS TABLE

HE PANTS HEAVILY

Oh! Oh!

Ah! Ah!

Ohhh!

Oh!

Aah!

HE PANTS HEAVILY

Right, well, thank you for the tea.

Erm, I'm sure Archie's probably wondering where I've got to,

-so I'd better head out. -Mm.

You knew I was watching you, -didn't you? -No, no, I didn't.

I-I-I know you don't like Robin.

What, no, I...

SHE WHIMPERS

Mm! Mm! Mm!

Oh, my goodness! Mm...

Mummy's stinky was bald.

I just want to use your toilet. Ah, yes, you...

DOOR LOCKS You want to f...

You want to freshen up.

SHE PANTS HEAVILY

HE PANTS HEAVILY

Oh, mummy's dead.

HE PANTS HEAVILY And...

..I like stinkies.

Oh, God, I like stinkies!

MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC

Ha!

SHE WHIMPERS

TRICKLING

Hey! Hey! Who goes there?

Boo! Aghh!

I was just looking for Davey. Were you hoping for a peek?

You were hoping for -a peek of the pork? -He said there was a party here or something.

A party? Par-tay!

Whoo! No, there's no fucking party here, love. I think you've got the wrong place.

So Davey's not here? No, Davey's not here.

But, you know, er...

I am.

Fucking...

Baby. What you doing?

What do you think I'm doing? I can't have drugs.

Could you...

Could you hug me?

HE WHIMPERS

Actually, you know what?

Just slap me.

Just slap me, Faye!

Ah!

I've been such a prick.

I've been such a big fat prick for the last three days.

I love you so much, baby.

And all I wanna do is...

All I wanna do with you... is take you back to that tent,

open a bottle of new world red...

..and bang you to sleep. Hello , little piggies! HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

What's up, bitches? Where's the party?

-Hang on. -Could you... Here's the fucking party.

I've just got a really quiet question for you.

Shh! Too noisy.

Er, why, what is it about you and me?

Wh-Why do we always have this thing? I don't know what you mean.

You don't know what I mean? No, I don't know what you mean.

You fucking know. I see it in your eyes.

Why do you have this thing where I just have this fucking chemistry with your girlfriend.

Yeah, well, Faye's a very chemical person.

She's friendly and people just respond to her.

So, actually, you just join a queue of thousands of people.

-Yeah. -Everyone has chemistry -with her. -She likes, she likes her bad boys, doesn't she?

-Yeah. -Well, I don't know... She's got one.

Cos I'm... I'm a fucking bad boy.

You? You're not fucking -proper bad boy. -Yeah?

-Bad enough. -Really?

I mean, I'm not... I'm not on, like, a list of...

Interpol's most wanted boys or anything, but...

..I can throw it down -and spread it around.Yeah? -Mm-hm.

Throw what down? You guys should kiss.

Yeah, I can do that.

-You like that? -I like that.

You know, like a proper... kiss.

I don't... I don't wanna proper kiss him.

-What? -How fucking bad are you? Yeah, you bad boy!

Ooh, he's so bad.

Turn you on?

A little bit. Like I said, I'm a bad boy.

Surprisingly soft.

Let's go back to the tent, baby.

I'm gonna bonk you.

BOTTLES CLATTER

-How about a blowjob? -Yeah, good.

-Yeah, OK.Definitely.Yeah? -Yeah.

Go on, then.

What, to...

No, I don't wanna... I don't wanna -do that. -How about Tom...

..watches while you give me one? Sure.

I don't want to do that either, Faye. Can we go back to the tent now, please?

Baby, you said you wanted to have a threesome.

Yeah.

Who else are we gonna -have a threesome with? -Right? Noel.

Baby... please.

Look, either you suck his cock

or I do.

Mm.

MUFFLED: Oh, God!

MUFFLED: Oh, my God! Hang on.

-MUFFLED: Wait... Mm. -Oh, God!

I've had enough.

QUIET MUSIC

DOOR LOCK SQUEAKS

PANPIPE MUSIC

-Hm! -Oh!

HE PANTS HEAVILY

Hmmm.

HE GROANS

HE GROANS

Ohh!

QUIET DANCE MUSIC

Archie! Archie, we're leaving!

-What's that? -Go away.

Go away! Leave me alone!

BIRDS SQUAWK

I guess I feel so privileged that... Mm...she sort of...

just exploded into my life like a firecracker, you know? I mean, she's...

Baby, baby, baby! Ah, here he is, with his plump, pillowy lips.

She's... Alright? She's my fairy godmother, you know?

She's... She's Tinker Bell.

But she's real. She's real life.

Do you know how many abortions she's had? Ask me how many abortions she's had.

Erm, what, sorry? Ask me how many abortions she's had?

-How many abortions?Two. -Really? -Mm-hm. Big ones.Wow. -Yeah.

I'm sorry. What, another one?

What do you mean? Well, you know, like Anne?

What do you mean about Anne? -What? Anne and... abortions? -Mm.

She gave me every kid... -that I put up her. -Yeah.

And we have, we actually have... Erm, sorry, forget I spoke.

Do you have something to say -about my wife? -If you want me to.

If you really want me to. You know Anne?

You know, the big lass? Yes, I know my wife.

Want some food? Anyone want -some food? -Would you like to go back to the tent?

Cos we're having a nice conversation. What are you suggesting?

You wanna take me back to the tent?

That's what she said, mate. -Who? -Anne. You know your wife?

What are you saying about my wife? Your wife, you know this...

You know...

and she won't give you any...

botty sex. You know? Maybe that's just with you. Hm?

Adam, what are you saying? Spell it out.

I fucked her!

I fucked her!

Is that enough?

QUIET DANCE MUSIC

HE COUGHS

Oh, my God! Erm, I mean, hi.

Hi. HE LAUGHS

Erm, I just thought you weren't coming.

HE SNIFFS

Oh, shit! Fuck, I'm just thinking...

Did I give Kerry this or this?

What's in that, then? One of them's ketamine.

What? Fuck it.

She's probably having a great time.

ACID HOUSE MUSIC

HE PANTS FRANTICALLY

"This is the answerphone. Please leave a message after the tone." BEEP

Hi, Anne?

It's Tom. Erm, listen,

I know you're in a coma and stuff, but I need you to know that...

..I know... about you and Adam.

HE SOBS

Faye!

MUSIC: "Let's Stick Together" by Bryan Ferry

No, thank you!

Faye!

No, no.

HE SOBS

ENGINE REVS

HE GROANS

Hey. Hey.

HE GASPS

HE WHIMPERS

Oh, yeah.

HE GASPS

Could you call an ambulance, please, Noel?

Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh.

Would you like...

..a hot... mmmm...

..chocolate? Hm?

QUIET DANCE MUSIC

SLOWED DOWN, MUFFLED SPEECH

Oh, God! God!

Oh, my God!

Archie! Oh, God! Mummy's coming!

Tom?

-Tom? -No, it's only Robin.

-I'm sorry. -Erm...

Are you alright?

You've got tears.

Aw, what's the matter? What?

-Hm? -Adam...

SHE SOBS Adam's just told me that...

-I stank. -Oh, no!

Yeah. He said... I smelt of fish.

He wouldn't rape me. Oh, what a rotter!

-Did you want him to? -No.

No? Ohh.

SHE SNIFFS Poor you.

You're so nice. You're the only nice person here.

Archie!

Robin!

Is anybody in there? SHE BANGS ON DOOR I know you've got him in there!

SHE BANGS ON DOOR

MUFFLED OPERA MUSIC

Archie?

OPERA MUSIC PLAYS

SHE SCREAMS

-It's me! -What?

Oh, Archie, thank God! Oh!

OPERA MUSIC PLAYS

HE SNIFFS

Mm. Thank you.

Do you want to smell the other one? Mm.

HE SNIFFS Oh, yes, that's a good one.

Fiona would never let me do that.

I can't... I can't kiss her, I can't suck her.

I can't suck her boobs cos of the hairs.

-Oh! -And I can't touch her down there because she says it's all inflamed.

You know, her urethra is very fat and...

sort of red and dry and irritated and...

..her clitoris is sort of hard and round, like a Strepsil.

-Ohh. -I don't know what to do.

HE SOBS

I don't know what to do.

-Aw. -I just want to make her happy.

I want her to be happy so much.

She just lies there and...

Gosh!

Oh!

Gosh! Oh, yes!

Oh!

Goodness me.

That's unusual. Oh, yes, that's...

Oh, your fingers are so nice.

It's like a butterfly has landed on my willy.

Like a white cabbage.

SHE GARBLES

SHE GARBLES

No, just... just feel... N-No.

Oh, gosh! Gosh, look.

My willy. My willy's going towards you.

It's pointing at you.

Oh!

It's gone into you.

It's gone into you! Can you feel it? Yes.

It's gone right into you. Oh! Is that alright?

-Mm. -Are you sure?

-Who is it? -It's Robin.

Oh! Oh, yes!

It's going up and down like a little boy on a trampoline.

Oh, yes! I can't stop it!

HE SHOUTS

Ohhhhh!

MUSIC: "Freak Like Me" By Sugababes

-Excuse you. -Sorry.

Right, seat belt on, please.

CAR HORN BEEPS

CAR ENGINE STARTS

GLASS BOTTLES CLATTER

Kerry!

Babe?

CAR ENGINE ROARS What the fuck? What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Mm.

Morning!

What...

What's happening?

Nothing.

Have you seen Tom?

No.

This is Mummy's bread.

It's bread.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY Mummy's bread.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY Mummy's...

Try some.

Mmmm.

Hmmm.

I fucked her. I fucked Faye, Fi, I fucked Faye. Faye and I fucked.

SHE SOBS

♪ This summer I was swimming

♪ This summer I might have drowned

♪ But I held my breath and I kicked my feet

♪ And I moved my arms around

♪ Moved my arms around

♪ This summer I swam in the ocean

♪ And I swam in a swimming pool

♪ Salt in my wounds, chlorine in my eyes

♪ I'm a self-destructive fool

♪ This summer I did the backstroke

♪ And you know that that's not all

♪ I did the breaststroke and the butterfly

♪ And the old Australian crawl ♪

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