Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour from the outset.

♪ Birthday boy coming through your flaps. ♪

Happy birthday to me, and breakfast in bed for my princess.

Oh, no, I think... Happy birthday, dada.

Gosh, careful. -Never mind, no harm done. -Oh dear.

Birthday kiss?

Robin, I hope you're not pressing for intercourse.

Sorry, you're crushing my hip, do --you mind? -Sorry. -I want to get a bit more sleep.

Come on, let's give mummy a lie-in.

Uh, uh. Mo...morning.

-Morning. -Lovely...

-..day for it. -Yes, yes. -Isn't it, yes. Ha ha ha. -Ha.

The...the...these. They're not mine.

No, of course not. They're Mummy's. Poor Mummy.

-It's not good actually. -Oh dear.

Oh dear. Well, we hope to meet her before too long. Come along Archie.

Bye.

CAR RADIO PLAYS

TOILET FLUSHES

-Oh. -Hi... Um... Sorry to bother you.

-It's about the hog roast. -Hmmm.

It's...all ready to go then.

Mother got terrible diarr...dire...dar...

-D...diarrhoea. -Oh.

So, I didn't think you'd want me...handling the meat.

Maybe you...wouldn't mind...

-..po...po... Po? -Po-popping over.

Can I just quickly get...dressed?

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Whoa, what the fuck! What the fuck are you doing?

Playing. What the fuck are you doing?

Oh just, erm, you know...shaking it up.

-It's good, is it? -Mmm.

Fucking tease. You fucking beer tease.

Go on, give me one. Go on.

I...Go on, give me one. What, are --you scared? -No. -Oh yeah your are.

-Of course I'm not. -You're fucking scared, you're fucking bricking it.

-I just can't be the person. -What person...?The bad...

..what, person that sets somebody free? I don't have a problem.

I just want a beer. Come on, give me one.

Why don't you help yourself then?

HE SIGHS

I think it'll taste better coming from you.

Oh, fuck me. Oh, fuck me, that is... You hate it?

That is good.

Oops.

Oh, erm...the erm...

-..he should be very nice. -Hmm. They're very...

-..juicy, these pigs. -Hmm.

R-r-r-r-r...

-right. -Super.

Right, ah. Yes. Good. I must press on actually.

Oh yes, oh yes. -The, the, the, the party. -Yes.

What, what, what, what time's kick-off?

Er, well, it's six o'clock.

Six o'cl...yes, I, well, I, hmm... I think I might be

a little late. Mummy... Oh no, no, no, no.

No, no, it's a family... It's a family party.

Mummy has her boiled eggs at six -o'clock. -Right, yes.

Erm, I need, I need to press on really,

because I've got a lot to do, so.

-Have you skewered a pig before? -No. -You did very well. -Thank you.

Better get this... Hmm...this.

This...this...

-..this blood off. -Hmm, hmm.

I think I'll run a bath.

-Good. -With, erm... With, erm...

With...smellies.

--Hmm.Smellies? -Mm-mm. -Smellies. I think I'll run a bath with smellies.

Good.

I...sorry, I'm going to have to press on. Can I just bob past you?

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Right.

ACCORDION MUSIC

Right, OK, everyone, it's celebration time.

CHEERING

Yes, alright.

It's Robin's 50th birthday, erm.

There's proper champagne... Ooh...for myself and for Robin.

And then for everyone else there's Cava. So, do tuck in.

We're...we're happy with our Shloer, -aren't we? -Yes.

What, what are you wearing?

The Bo-Peep outfit. You were going to be the shepherd.

I told you I didn't want to do it. Oh, that's a shame.

-Let's have a speech. -Oh, erm.

I suppose, reaching...

I think actually we should take a moment for Anne.

Yeah, absolutely.

She's not dead, is she?

Not quite.

SOMEONE CRIES QUIETLY

And of course we're, you know, we're very sad that Tom had to leave us.

But, you know he's, he's where he should be. You know, with his wife. So...

Right, so, as you know I was going to do the egg and tomato duet with Tom.

But he's with his wife, where he should be, so Robin is

insistent that, as it's his birthday, he replace Tom as tomato.

OK?

♪ I'm an egg.

♪ And I'm a tomato.

♪ When we're together my uvula vibratos.

♪ Fried or scrambled, # Tossed we ramble

♪ About each other's mouths like lambs taking a gambol. ♪

Shall we be naughty and have some cake?

Mummy doesn't let me have cake.

Oh, come on, I'm sure she'll let you have a bit of daddy's cake on his birthday. There you go.

Hmm? Fun to be naughty, isn't it?

Can I be naughty?

Sure.

You. You little...

♪ Let's get together for the tum-dance.

♪ Let's get together for the tum-dance. ♪

APPLAUSE

--Kerry, cake. -Oh, yes. -Now.

Quickly.

Where did Archie go?

-Oh. Oh. -Oh my god.

LAUGHING

Is that Robin's birthday cake for the party?

Yeah, it's great having fun, mate.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow. ♪

-Alright? -Something smells good.

What...on earth has happened?

Fi, I am so sorry. Sorry.

What have you done? What have you done to the cake? I don't

understand, why would you do that to a cake?

It wasn't me. Well, it's never you, is it?

It's never your fault, nothing's ever your fault. I can't believe

you've sabotaged Robin's, poor Robin's... Oh.....birthday like this.

SHE TUTS

Oh Kerry, please don't be upset. I'm not bothered... Fi.

--Hey man. -Tom. -Hey. What, you came back?

How you doing? I couldn't miss your birthday.

SHE POURS A DRINK

SHE SIGHS

Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley

♪ We're no strangers to love

♪ You know the rules and so do I

♪ A full commitment's what I'm thinking of

♪ You wouldn't get this from any other guy

♪ I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling

♪ Gotta make you understand

♪ Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down

♪ Never gonna run around and desert you

♪ Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye

♪ Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. ♪

And did she respond to you at all? Aaaah...no.

But, you know, the doctors are really, they're really jazzed about her progress.

Excellent. So, you know, I couldn't be happier.

Great. And do you think she knew you were there?

I knew she was there, and somehow that was enough.

-Plus, you know, she's tall. -Mm-hmm?

And they, I mean they just said that the coma might just

kind of work its way down to her midriff and her legs.

-Right. -She's a big girl, she'll sweat it out.

-You seen Fay anywhere? -I haven't, you know. No, not for a while.

-OK, she's probably in the tent. -OK. I'll check the tent.

-See you later. -The night is young.

Oh wow, I can't believe you saw her eyelashes move. That's great, guys.

-I'm really pumped about that. -Yeah, but, it might have just been the wind.

It could have been the wind.

How's your holiday?

It's kind of terrible.

Erm... I'm here all on my own

and I actually tried to get back to London

but the train broke down and then, I don't know if it was on the news,

but the trains have broken down, all the trains are broken down.

Oh. Mum... Mum said you were seeing someone else.

I think that's why she did it.

No. No, no, not at all.

Who's that?

Where? Behind you.

What, the tent flaps? You talking about the tent flaps?

They're tent flaps.

No, dad, that woman behind you.

I don't know.

I do not know.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

-Whoa-ho, here he is. -Hey. -Alright, mate? -How you doing?

♪ It's Bobby, with Adam, and Fay. What they doing?

♪ Let's have a beer. Hey baby, how you doing? ♪

-Mate, have a beer. -Not now, thanks, man.

No, they're really -good. -Hey baby, how you doing?

Hello, chaps. Hello, chap-esses. Hey, Robin.

--Hey. -Hello. -Are you alright? Yeah, how are you?

I'm very well, thank you, very well.

I think I've got a few too many of these.

Feeling like I've got a bit -of a corker of a head on. -Oh, man.

Mixed the grain and the grape, I think, which you shouldn't do.

-Well, here's a little present. -Oh.

Get your tanks off my lawn, OK. Tom Fuhrer.

And, I've got you that. Oh, why thank you. What is it?

-It's a headache tablet. -Oh, Fay. -Isn't she amazing? -She is, she's like Boots.

Is everything good in the 'hood, babe?

I'll let you two lovebirds get reacquainted, and I'll go and find Fiona.

-Bye. -See you later, man.

Wind yer body.

You OK, babe?

Are you kidding?

Sorry, I'm, erm... I'm looking for Fay. Erm, she...

Oh really, because I thought you didn't know her, so...

What you talking about?

SHE SIGHS

In the tent. You were Skypeing your children.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on. No, no, no, you weren't there, alright.

-Oh my god. -What? I was Skypeing my kids and that...

That was you.

No, honestly, I don't... I sensed a presence,

like a shadow of a cloud or...

Like a bird or a crow. I thought it was... I thought it was a crow.

You thought I was a crow? I th...yeah.

I, honestly... If I'd known it was you, baby, why on earth... Oh, that's...

..why wouldn't have I introduced you to my beautiful children?

Because you don't want to.I...

No one wants to more than me, OK?

So you had the chance but you chose not to?

I didn't know you were there. Children... You say you wanted to

get engaged and then you don't fucking follow it through.

I want to get engaged to you so hard, baby.

--Baby. -So we're getting married? -Tch.

Are we getting married?

I just want us to have this honeymoon period together, you know.

I just want to like, I just want to, I just want to like fuck

and think about it.

Cooee. There you are. You look so wonderful.

SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

You do, like a big ginger princess.

Are you happy, Robin?

Are you having a happy birthday?

I'm having a birthday.

HE CHUCKLES

You, you're so wonderful.

-You, you should be happy. -Aww, bless you, Kerry. And so are you.

-No. -Yeah, yes, yes you are. I'm here to tell you that you are.

And that's official.

Sorry, Robin, I was a bit drunk. Good.

Hog.

--Hi, Fi. -Oh. -May I join you?

So you just couldn't bear to miss the party.

Oh well, no, no, I spoke to the kids and we all felt

that Anne would want me to finish up here, really.

Right, so you didn't go and see her?

I...

Look, Fi,

--I'm a nice guy. -Yeah. -You know, I'm a... I'm a good guy.

And Fay loves me, and I'm having such a good time,

I'm having such a laugh.

And, Anne used to say I didn't have a sense of humour. Well, hello?

Fay laughs at virtually every single thing I say.

Well of course she does, she's -retarded. -She is not retarded, she is a hip young gunslinger.

And, I'm sorry, Fi,

no one's ever said this to you before I don't think,

and it's about time someone did. You... You are so uptight.

You know?

No wonder you can't have sex, you're probably all closed up down there.

I'm not closed up down there!

I mean, poor Robin. It's not you I'm thinking of, poor Robin. I...I'm menopausal.

Well that's... I know plenty of menopausal gals who have

perfectly healthy sex lives.

Bully for those menopausal gals, Tom. I mean, I have inflammation, I have dryness,

and it's extremely difficult for me to get anything in there at all.

You're just not trying, Fi.

And meanwhile your, your husband's running around like a castrated elf.

Well, I don't want to have sex with Robin. I, you know, he... I don't want to have sex with him.

Well, I don't think you want to have -sex with anyone, actually. -Yes I do.

Who? Who? Who do you want to have sex with?

Well, there was a time when I found you attractive, Tom.

You are...

not an unattractive woman, Fi.

Well you're, so you're saying I'm not unattractive. Are you saying that I'm attractive, is that what

you're saying? You know, my mother said that Fred West was not an

unattractive man. I mean, is he attractive?

You are more attractive than Fred West.

What are we doing in here?

What do you think we're doing in -here? -Having a shower.

This will sort you out. No, this is good actually, because I don't have a problem with drugs.

Oh my god. You're a box of tricks, aren't you? I fucking love you, you're brilliant.

Hello?

Adam.

Adam.

Is that your girlfriend?

-Maybe. -Do you love her?

Shut up.

So mental, isn't it?

Got a whole field to do this in, just do it in the fucking toilets.

OK.

It's good, it's really good that you're doing this actually, Kerry.

Because I think, you know, old people just think that they can't have fun anymore.

Right.

You know. Yeah, you're old. But, you know, try and have a good time.

Yeah.

SHE SNIFFS

Well, this is sexy isn't it? It happens.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

How are you feeling? Mm, I feel very good.

That's just moving out of the euphoria to something more glow.

-Oi, what's up chucks? -Hey. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy...

How you doing? Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.

Mate, what is it?

I'm trying to work out, what is it with your fucking girlfriend?

What can I tell you? Lucky guy, I guess.

Anne was lovely, -wasn't she? -She's great.

I mean, IS lovely. -Yeah, I mean, she's not dead. -No.

She had a nice body. She had a great...torso.

No, she had a cracking trunk. She was 6'4" of fun.

You know, now there's this one...

this hot little bitch who's been -plying me with drugs. -Alright, mate.

THEY LAUGH

She has, she's been fucking plying me with drugs,

she's a fucking little stir.

♪ Stir it up. Stir it up. ♪

You know, she's coming in here like a fucking...

fucking dirty little tornado. OK, Adam.

Adam, listen, this is my girlfriend, mate.

And I know Fay is a lot of fun,

but that doesn't mean we can all hop on the pussy ship here.

I haven't hopped on any pussy ship, I promise you, Tom.

I don't think you have, Adam, have you hopped on a pussy ship?

Woo-woo, all aboard.

The HMS Hot... Dirty... Pussy...

OK, that's enough. Let's draw a line under this.

Come on, mate, I'm with Kerry, I've got to fantasise about someone.

Oh, here he is, the crown prince.

Alright, Dave. Your fancy lady arrived yet?

No.

Are you going to get yourself some eh, some muff?

Why are you drinking?

Why am I drinking? Why are you drunk?

Because it's time for your fucking dad to have some fucking

fun for once in his life.

Fucking drinking. I'm off my fucking tits.

That's why I'm fucking drinking,

because I need some fucking fun in my life. You probably should stop.

You should fucking know that more than anybody, you little cunt.

I fucking hate you.

You fucking... We really should get -you a cup of coffee. -Fuck off.

Adam, you're looking a bit -cross-eyed. -Yeah, so are you, mate.

You always have done. Come on, let's not get nasty.

You're such a fucking...

You're such a fucking sad prick. -Oh, please. -I'm not a sad prick.

-I'm not a sad prick, mate. -What happened to your, how the fucking

hell did you get your hair back, baldy? You with your fringe.

I've had excellent comments about my fringe, mate.

-Baldy. -Bald men are some of the most sexually active members of society.

I've got... Sean Connery! ..tons -of spunk, mate. -Did you take it?

I've got tons of fucking spunk, -right. -Let's not get nasty.

Did you take it off you arse -and put it on your head? -No.

-I didn't, a surgeon did. -Fuck you. So, piss off.

And do you know who's sad? You know -who's sad, your son. -Yeah, yeah.

Your son is wanking himself to death because his cock's the only friend he's got.

In fact his cock's a better father -to him that you are. -No more.

You sound like his fucking mother, fucking off and leaving me with him.

She drowned to death. Yeah, it's like, watch where you're fucking going you stupid cow.

Fucking, leaving me with a fucking kid, fucked up my life.

And now I end up with Kerry.

No one's fucking sorry for me, are they?

You're the fucking cunt, mate.

-She's gone. -What?

Mum's passed away, Fiona.

Oh, my god, I...

She's passed away. -I'm so sorry. -She's just...

Have you...? I'm so sorry, I can't really stop.

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