Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour from the outset.

Mmm-MMM!

The bacon looks off the hook.

It is super.

Talking of super, how you doing, superhero?

-Ohhh! -Who needs Batman when you've got Robin? Want a Pride of Britain award with your breakfast?

That's very kind of you, but I couldn't leave Kerry and Davey in -the water. -So you'd drown with them?

No, no, I get it. I'm the same. Act now, think about yourself later.

Robin, I'm going to sort out the fossil goggles. You're in charge of -striking tools. -Oh. Right you are.

Thanks, Fi.

Hmm.

Oh.

She really is super, Tom. Yeah. Thanks, man.

She's a million dollars. All flexible there like a...

interest rate.

We have a tracker mortgage, so it's... Oh, tell me about it.

I just feel so lucky, you know, given a second chance like this.

I mean, she's just bounced into my life, turned it upside down, but I am dancing on the ceiling.

It's terrible to say, -but I don't miss Anne. -Oh.

I don't miss her at all. I do not miss her. No, I do not, sir.

You must miss the kids, though. Oh, yeah, I miss the little guys,

but Skype's a wonderful thing. It's a thing of beauty. This whole gig's actually made me a better father.

So is it a serious thing or is it just a fuckfest?

Adam! They're engaged!

Well, not totally, but, to be honest, fuckfest-wise, it is a bonkathon.

The tent's basically functioning as a sex dojo right now, but I just want to get it right this time.

I feel blessed and I don't want to rub your noses in my fun, but it's an incredible time for me.

But, look, here am I just... yakking on about my fun times.

I should just zip it. It's vulgar. You don't want to hear all this.

It's a renaissance for me. 400 years ago I'd be working with marble, but I won't rub my fun in your faces.

Bit of a cunt, though, aren't you?

Well, hang on, mate. I mean...

No more than you are.

You used to say, "What are you still doing with Anne? She's a nightmare." She is. A fucking giant nightmare.

-She's giant, isn't she? -She's not medically a giant! Just shy of.

Right. Just to make sure you're all aware of today's schedule, we're fossil hunting at 10am.

It's of the Triassic Period, as represented by the bunter sandstone.

Just to make you all aware, it is illegal to remove pebbles from the beach.

She has really mastered Excel, -hasn't she? -Oh, yeah.

I feel like I'm starting my life all over again, you know? --Mm?Yeah. -Yeah? -Yeah.

It feels like Fay's... given birth to me, like in a way. Like a mother and a lover.

-Mm. -Feels like a comeback. I feel like Ali.

Wow.

It kind of feels like... this big, white light's just been, --you know, switched on. -Yeah? -Yeah.

You know what? I don't want that light to go out. I don't.

It's just that honeymoon feeling, just 24/7. Just "Ah!"

We look into each other's eyes and just want to...do it.

I don't think we ever had that, -Fiona and I. -Yeah?

Well, it's never too late.

There's ways of restarting these marriages, keep the vibe alive.

-Mm, yeah. -You and Anne weren't able to do that, though, were you?

Well, you know...

-We tried. -Yeah.

-We tried. -Mm.

I mean, do you and Fi have a physical life?

Yeah, we...we go jogging.

No, I meant sex.

Ah.

Yeah?

-When did you last have sex? -Um...

Gosh. That would be going back... -seven years now. -OK.

OK. That's, um...

That was during Blair, wasn't it? That's not even Brown.

No. It was definitely Blair. Yeah, he was often there -in the background. -Yeah.

Fi never liked to miss the news.

Well, look, man, all I'm saying is it ain't over till it's over.

Hmm. Yeah. Thank you. It's never done, never done.

So did you try and have sex with her -these last seven years? -I did.

What happened? Well, nothing, really. She...

She wasn't...awake at the time and... Really?

No, no, it wasn't like that. I was very gentle. It was mainly fingers...thumbs...

But it's just that I found myself unable to perform if she was...

--..conscious. -Yeah. -Mm.

Yeah, I've been there.

Well, you know, I'm a fat one to talk. Me and Anne, we experimented a fair amount.

-Really? -Yeah. Role play, cos play,

wet play.

Well... Fi likes swimming, so... No, no, no.

Wet play is, um... Wet play is when you urinate on your partner.

Gosh.

And Anne liked that?

No, as it turned out. No.

♪ She's a spider

♪ Sit down beside her

♪ Don't criticise her

♪ Or she'll lay her eggs on you

♪ She's arachnid

♪ Don't make her backflip

♪ She'll make your disc slip

♪ And lay her eggs on you

♪ She's a woman

♪ Her eight legs a-drummin'

HE ACCOMPANIES HER

♪ Black widow's comin'

♪ To lay her eggs on you

♪ She's a spider

♪ Don't sit beside her

♪ Or push yourself inside her

♪ Or she'll lay her eggs on you-u-u

♪ She's a lady

♪ Don't call her baby

♪ She's no maybe

♪ She'll spray her eggs on you. ♪

Come on, Robin! We'll be late for the fossil hunt!

Oh, God! PHONE RINGS

Hello? ..Yes, speaking.

What...? Anne?

'I'm afraid we can't get hold of her husband.'

Oh, my God... When did this happen?'Last night.'

Yes. Thank you. -OK, yes, I will. -What...?

-Oh, my God! -Fi, is everything...?

I could whip up, like, a salad for the beach. Like a sort of beach -salad. -That would be really healthy.

Should I get some cucumbers? Eh...they're courgettes and yes.

Cos they would go well with some carrots in my beach salad.

--Ah!Hey, Fi! -Hey, Fi. -We're just talking about salads and stuff.

We're going to go to Budleigh now -for the whole fossil shebang. -Really -excited. -It's going to be big.

Yeah, fine. Just to let you know, -Tom, Anne is in a coma. -Uh-huh.

-Sorry? -Your wife, Anne, is in a coma. She took an overdose. So...just passing that on.

-How do you know? -Well, the hospital just phoned me because your children couldn't get hold of their father.

Oh, it's a fucking nightmare. I know.

I'm like... I can't believe it. I just feel like all the women just hate me. They really hate me.

Anne is in a coma!

I just... I just feel like they all -really hate me. -They don't hate you.

OK, maybe a couple of them do, but... There's only two of them!

The guys... Robin likes you, Adam loves you. He loves you. --Guys always love me. -Yeah? -OK?

-Yeah. -I'm not having a great time.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just turned all over by this whole Anne thing...

Oh, God.

Are... Are you going off me?

-A bit. -Oh, no.

-No, don't. -I'm sorry.

How much are you going off me? Like 80%.

I... Shit!

I can't go through this again. -I can't do this again. -I'm sorry.

-I wanted a fun holiday. -I know. -This is really heavy! -I know! I can't apologise enough.

-I'm just not having a good time. -I'm -sorry. -I want to go back to London.

No, don't go back to London! London's shit. Stay here with me. I mean...

Why don't we just take a little bit of something and chill the fuck out? Yeah, I've got some speed.

OK, yeah.

-Is that...is that chilling? -Yeah.

I'm going to do it until I get -a nose buzz. -Yeah? Yeah? OK.

-God, I love drugs. -Cos you know --I love you, baby. -Yeah. -I love you.

And I just want to rock with you, you know? Rawk with you!

I wanna rawk your penis! I wanna rock your roll and float your boat, baby bitch.

I'm gonna tip this on your cock. Oh, Jesus... OK? I'm going to tip it on your cock, then open this mirror,

-and just crush it. -Are you? You're going to crush my cock with a compact?

Let's get some speed on your cock. Just don't leave me.

Oh, shit...

-You ready? -Oh, yeah.

--Yeah? -Yeah. -Like that.

Ah! Ah.

-OK, I'm going to do it. -Yeah. -I'm opening it up. -OK. I'll squeeze it like chopsticks.

AAH!

Aah! Oh, my God! It's like a crocodile!

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's the IBS. Just... Sorry.

Do you need to go to the toilet? -Not any more. -You mean you...?

No, no, just the pressure's been released. It's fine, it's fine. I can hold out to Budleigh.

OK, babe?

Yeah.

It's the ice cream. The ice cream.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hey. All right?

-Hey, Davey. -Hi.

Where's Tom Tom? Oh, he's...he's in the toilet. Having a flare-up.

Smoking some puff?

No. His IBS.

I'm thinking of going back, -actually. -To the campsite?

No. To London.

There we are.

-Hi, Kerry. -Hi.

Did you get it all?

What's going on? You were meant to start fossiling at ten! So sorry, Fi!

Hey, babe. -You OK, babe? -All good, all good.

Tom, I'm so sorry to hear -about Anne. -Oh, thanks, Kez. Thanks.

Yeah, it's a bit of a biggie.

-Are we getting a coffee? -No, I'm just going to grab some tap water. -You two go and goggle up. -Okey-doke.

So, Tom, are you not going to go down and see her?

Who?

-Anne! -Well...

I mean, strictly speaking, we are on a break, Fi, aren't we?

I've got to be strong, for a start. For everyone, especially Anne.

We knew things like this would come up. When you think about it, it's not really a proper break.

-And nobody learns anything. -Tom, her life is hanging in the balance. I know, but it's a four-hour trip.

Four hours and change. It took us six to get down here.

I don't think your IBS would -stand it. -It wouldn't, no.

--Here, baby. -Thank you. -Fi? No, thank you. No.

It's got a hazelnut shot. They didn't have... I'll leave it.

This sounds like a cry for help. I've heard these cries before and do you know what?

They're the cries of a wolf. A wolf in a coma, Tom! Still a wolf!

And I keep thinking about this shadowy Horst figure.

-Where is Horst? -Exactly. Where is Horst in all this? Whither Horst?

I mean, what do we know about him? Has he been giving her paracetamol?

He's a builder. Can he afford British paracetamol? Is he giving -her Danish paracetamol? -What?!

I don't think there's a Danish -paracetamol! -I'm exploring options. Paracetamol's so dangerous, Fi.

I had a friend take an overdose. She was fine. A week later, her liver collapsed and she passed it whole.

And also, may I say, Fi? I don't see anyone else beating a path down to Anne.

You could send her some flowers or a foil balloon, but no... It's a lot of jibber jabber, no action.

Sorry. I will send Anne -some balloons. -You said you were -her best friend. -Not best...

She talks about you constantly. Not at the moment, but... Sorry. I really object to that.

It sounds like me and Fay are -the only friends Anne's got. -You've tried to turn this round on Tom.

No, no... Let's acknowledge Fay's presence in the conversation. Anne is not my partner.

Anne is... Anne is a woman who is currently unconscious that I used to sleep with.

Come here. Sorry.

Oh... It's hard. It's fucking hard, -isn't it? -It's very hard.

So, um, how long have you and Adam been married?

Um, well,

we're not actually... We're not actually married.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry!

No, but we're...very strong.

Yeah.

I heard his first wife drowned. -Yes, she did. -God.

Is that why he didn't save you the other day when you fell in? Water. Any liquid.

It's so full of death for him. Mm-hm. What, like, even a bath or something?

Well he...he prefers showers.

Come on, Davey! Get in here! Don't be a pussy! Come on!

Get in here!

Look in this sort of general area. What can happen very often is the fossils spray out from the cliffs,

tumble down and land -on other, larger rocks. -I thought they were only inside the rocks.

The fossils? Yes... They often are inside the rocks

and then they spurt out like a volcano and then land back on the larger rocks.

You see if you can find a fossil on top of a larger rock, OK? In that sort of area.

OK, Archie? I'll see you soon.

Left a bit.

♪ If I had a hammer... ♪

Oh. Would you like me to have a go, -darling? -No, I'm the person most likely to find anything significant.

All right. It's just that I can give -it a really good whack. -If you'd brought enough striking tools,

you could have done your own banging -on a piece of rock. -Mama! Mama! -Oh, my God! -Mama!

Oh, my God! Archie, have you cut yourself, darling? Are you bleeding?

-I found a fossil! -Have you found something? Gosh! Look at that! Is it an ammonite, do you think?

-Look. -I'm not blind. I can see it. Look at the size of it! It's not that big.

It's not an entire diplodocus -skeleton! -Pretty impressive for -an eight-year-old boy. -It's a start.

Indiana Jones started somewhere. He's not a fossil hunter, is he? We'd better pop it in my bag.

Ah!

Super duper.

-Well done. Group hug? -No. I want to get on with this one over here.

-All right. -There might be something -bigger in there. -Been hunting all day and Archie finds one.

Well, yes, beginner's luck, I suppose.

Perhaps we should give him a go on -this one here. -No, I'm doing this -one, thank you very much. -Let Archie!

Robin!

Stand back, please.

Right, goggies on.

Oh, dear. I think Mummy's a bit jealous because you found one. Don't be stupid, Robin.

It's about perseverance. -Let Archie have a go. -No.

He's got the magic touch. Can you be quiet, Robin? I'm trying to break open this big stone.

Ah! Done it. -Ah. And is there anything in it? -No.

Aw, rotten luck.

Thank you.

Hi.

I-I'm Davey.

I'm Lisa.

Oh, eh...

I'm... There's a party at our campsite tomorrow. Em... Em, sorry.

-Er, yeah. -OK.

-Sure. -Cool.

-I'm Davey. -You said.

Oh, yeah. And you're... -Lisa. -Lisa. Yeah.

Hey, mermaid. How ya doing?

-Yeah, good. You? -I'm pretty good. I had a good blast-off --up in the toilets. -Yeah? -Yeah.

It's all good.

Looking beautiful, right? Amazing.

You going to go in?

Er... I don't know.

-Has Adam gone in? -Yeah. He's been in for about an hour.

I might go in.

--I'm going in. -Yeah? -Yeah.

-Like what you see? -Yeah.

Still a bit sticky from my blast-off.

Yeah.

Oh! Whoo!

-Hey! -Oh, my goodness!

-Wow. -That was intense.

Whoo!

-Woo! -That was awesome. --Oh, my God! -What? -Really?

Are you seriously going to go in in your budgie smugglers? They're not budgie smugglers, mate.

Vulture smugglers.

-Really? Vulture? -Vulture, yeah. Isn't that an endangered bird? Bird of prey, mate.

-Yeah. -Tell me about the cross currents. Port to starboard?

They're pretty...small! No! Don't!

A little bit like that.

Got you! I got you.

Can I have my trousers, please, Fay?

All the denim, all the denim. Please.

Look at that.

Big game

-I think I want to go home. -Really?

Just back to London.

Oh, OK.

-Is that all right? -Yeah, sure. I think Adam's not fossiling, so I can just...

No, no... You can come with me. -Really? -Yeah!

We could just...swing by Anne's.

It'd be fun.

You could meet her. -But she's in a coma. -That's probably the best way of doing it.

-Come with me. -OK.

Cool.

Race you.

Hi, Horst. I'm absolutely devastated. It must have ripped the arse out of your day.

I am just jumping onto a train. I'm going to try and get down for about five past six.

Just as fast as my wheels can carry me.

What hospital are you in? OK.

We're in Devon. Hang on.

Are you going to the buffet car? Can you get me a pack of crisps? Cheese and onion? Thank you.

Um...

OK, OK. Well, look. I'll just jump in a black cab and...

Yeah, or an Uber. And I'll just get there as soon as I can.

What are you doing, Robin?

Stop it, please! The more you go at me, the more... My hips lock!

I was just so pleased about Archie.

-Mm. -And how pleased... -how pleased you were. -Pleased?

With him finding the fossil. Oh, yes. It was quite a first.

Do you like it? I do. Let's have a look. Ah.

Mmm.

Mmm. There we are.

Can I have a word, please?

(This makes a mockery of everything! You're just a cheat. Excuse me? I'm a cheat?)

(Not as much of a cheat as you! Telling Kerry you've had enough of -me?! -What are you talking about?!)

That's what she told me today! You're thinking of leaving me.

-No, she's mentally ill. -That's beside -the point. -Anyway, this is the sort of thing that turns somebody gay.

What? Sorry?!

Our son finding a fossil -is going to turn him gay? -Yes! If he doesn't have to fight for it.

Oh, Fiona, sometimes I wish you'd listen to yourself. I have to say this.

You flick a switch in a child's brain by deceiving them and they end up -a homosexual. -Oh, Fi...

If he's gay, he's going to be gay. There's nothing we can do about it.

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