Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

COCKEREL CROWS

MUFFLED BREATHING

Oh, my God.

How am I doing, baby?

Hm?

Do you want to go...faster? I can go faster.

Or, I can go slower? I'm good with slower.

You know, someone once told me, he said,

like, do the alphabet when you're doing this?

Where, uh, where are you up to? E. The letter E.

I could do it like lower case if you want - I'm doing upper case

at the moment, but it might give it a bit more of a curve?

Do you mind if we just leave it?

Huh?

Oh, baby...

Is this... Is this because of the mix-up with the ring?

Because, I mean...

we can totally discuss the whole marriage thing if you want to.

I'm just... I'm just not in the mood.

Baby...

I'm in the mood...

I'm in the mood.

Hm? It's so good down there.

It's just so...

It's, like, so smooth, and, like, lean...

It's like a goddamn burger bun.

I mean, with Anne it was like more Gorillas In The Mist, you know?

I mean, it was just... I don't want to think about Anne's vagina.

I don't want to think about Anne's vagina either, I don't...

I want to think about your vagina.

I want to look at your vagina.

I'm going to look at your vagina.

Oh, my God!

I'm looking at your vagina!

Hi!

BANJO MUSIC PLAYS

Lovely day for it.

-Oh, yes, hi. -Morning.

I know you wanted the hog for Robin's birthday.

Did you also want the trotter platter?

-Oh. -No, thank you. Yeah, that... Well.

I could do you a... a starter trotter platter today, if you like,

so you can, uh...

HE STUTTERS

-..dip your toe in. -Hah!

I could also throw in -my sausage sampler. ALL: -Ooh.

-Yum. -What's that, Noel?

Well, it's a selection of... of self-stuffed sausages...

Wow... How do they stuff themselves?

-No, I mean I... I stuff them. -Right.

Um, with some secret flavourings,

which I think everybody may find rather interesting,

developed by...my mother, who, in fact, used to make the...

sausages, until...

LOW GRUNT

..she... she lost the u...use -of her hands. -Oh...

-Alas. -I'm sorry to hear that. Thank you.

-So...you'd like the platter? -Mm, -sounds yum, I think. -No, thank you.

Well, I'll... I'll bring it anyway. Um, have a good day.

-Thank you. -Keep it real, now.

He's clearly had an amazing journey.

Oh! Actually,

I've got a little early birthday -surprise for Robinio here. -No.

Oh, sorry, no, sorry...

Sorry, I don't want to be a party pooper,

but we're not doing that until the Sunday -

tomorrow, in fact. Oh, we're doing it now.

-It's just a card. -Come on.

It's just a card, let's see what it says.

And the winner is...

Oh, my goodness!

It's a fishing trip, for this afternoon!

Aw, thank you. -Pleasure. -That's just absolutely...

Yeah, that's absolutely impossible,

I'm afraid, because we're going to -Monkey World. -Yeah, but we haven't

bought tickets or anything, have we? And this is... This is for today.

Yeah, exactly. You know what, it'll be fun, Fee. Come on.

Plus, you know, with the catch,

I could cook one of my world-famous gumbos.

TENT UNZIPS

Hey.

Hey, I got a little something -for you. -Yeah?

I've got a big something for you, huh?

IN TEXAN ACCENT: Rodeo, how long can he stay on?

What the hell is this? It's a present.

What have you done? I got you a present.

Look at you.

Wow...

-You really got them! -Yeah...

Do you like them?I...

bloody love them.

I thought maybe you could wear them today.

Yeah, I c... I could, I...

I wonder, though, ac...

They're antiques. I don't want to damage them.

They're really old, I mean, God, they're... Yeah.

This gusset's, like, really super stained, too.

Oh, yeah, OK. Yeah, that's pretty...

That's pretty brown.

So you're going then, are you? Well...

it's a birthday present, my darling, my hands are tied.

Well, thank you very much, Robin.

-For what? -Giving me this bloody migraine.

If you'd stuck to the schedule this would not be happening.

Where are my bloody tablets?

What are you doing?! Shh, shh, shh, shh... Robin!

No, no, it's acupressure. Fay was showing us.

Well, perhaps she could show you how to bugger off!

What's the matter with you? It's pressure points...

You're just bumping away at me like some humpback whale.

-HE WHISPERS: -Sorry...

Go on, shoo. Get off. OK, OK.

♪ Won't you ride the wind and go, white seabird

♪ Ride the wind and go, mollymawk... ♪

Oooh, very smart... OK, that's cool. We've got sexy captain.

Ooh, thank you, officer and a gentleman.

You look like a Russian sailor.

You've got a really weird-shaped head.

I've just got lots of hair, Fay. Oh, right. Sorry, I thought you had,

like, water on the brain or something. Elephant man.

OK, so...

-I have bought some beers. -Ooh.

No, we're fine, thank you, Fay. Cheers, Fay.

-And some of these! -Oh, thank you.

Isn't she amazing?

You amaze me. Jesus. Is that...?

What is that, for your... That's to keep your hernia in, is it?

Nah, hernia's gone, man.

Popped back in like a mole's head.

It's all good in the hood.

Where's my cap, babe?

Oh, God. We're not going.

Aren't we? No, God no. I hate fish.

-Really?Yeah...disgusting. -OK.

Um, we're going to stay here, guys, -I think. -Mm-hm.

-Mummy, are you coming? -No. Here you go.

What's this, Fee?

It's a print out of all the drownings over the last five years.

No, I'm good, thanks.

How's your migraine, love?

It's dreadful, thank you. Oh, Fee, big hugs.

I know how you struggle with your miggies.

Do you know what, masturbation's amazing for relieving headaches.

-Ooh. When do I start? -Hah!

Don't be disgusting, Robin!

-Enjoy, guys. -Right, yes, yes. -All aboard, skipper. -Yeah.

Enjoy the Sound of Music, mate. Yeah, thanks a lot.

I hope not to bump into any Nazis.

What's Nazis?

Ah, they were just some guys.

MORRIS DANCERS' BELLS JINGLE

Are you OK, babe? Yeah, never better.

Um, I was wondering, maybe... Maybe I should get changed somewhere...

-or something. -What?

No, you look amazing.

We should go somewhere -and get wasted. -OK.

I mean, I could get changed, and then we get wasted.

THEY KISS LOUDLY

HEAVY BREATHING

MUFFLED: Stop, stop, I'm going to come...

You're amazing.

God.

I am so glad we're not fishing.

God...

gone fishing, stay fishing. God, I love booze.

Just boozing and woozing, in the middle of the day?

There's nothing like it.

I just want to take some drugs. Yeah!

Yeah, let's do some drugs... Yeah?

-Like, later, yeah. -Like, now.

-Now? -Yeah.

No, it's just I'm... I'm feeling pretty spazzocked...

from the old tequilas... Well... But, er...

..let's get more spazzocked.

You want to turn it up a notch? Mm-hmm.

Let's take it up a notch.

Right, time for the beverage.

Here we go, cheers!

Cheers, Archie!

Ahoy there, shipmates!

-All having fun on this side? -Yeah...

You caught any?

-What? -You caught any?

Caught what? Er, caught any fish yet?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I've caught some fish, I just...

chucked them all back.

Oh, right, OK. You tossed them -over the side. -That's right.

Jolly good. Well, we're doing rather well - not a competition!

Over and out.

WHISPERS: We're beating them!

I've got some...

tea...

and ginger biscuits.

-Ginger helps seasickness. -It's not the sea that's making me sick.

It's just, it's a bit tight, actually, could you?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Why bring it if you can't open it?

Fucking hell...

Actually, I think my... I think my milk's gone off, actually.

Oh, that's a surprise. It's not the only thing that's gone off.

Fucking curdled. Fucking stinks.

MUSIC: Like I Love You by Justin Timberlake

♪ If it's up to me your face will change

♪ If you're smiling that should set the tone

♪ Just be limber... ♪

All right?

I like that little dress you've got on.

It's a skirt, actually.

Your skin is, like, CGI or some shit.

Cheers.

♪ You're a good girl and that's what makes me trust you

♪ Hey! Late at night, I talk to you

♪ You will know the difference when I touch you

♪ People are so phony Nosy cos they're lonely

♪ Aren't you sick of the same thing?

♪ They say so and so was dating

♪ Love you or they're hating

♪ Man, it doesn't matter anyway

♪ Because we're here tonight

♪ If you're smiling that should set the tone

♪ Just be limber, baby

♪ And if you let go, the music should groove your bones

♪ Baby, just remember

♪ Sing this song with me

♪ Ain't nobody love you like I love you

♪ You're a good girl and that's what makes me trust you

♪ Hey! ♪ Late at night I talk to you.... ♪

MUMBLES: I'm sorry to disturb.

-You good? -I'm just trying to... get to the...

Do you want a drink? -GIGGLING: -Yes, please.

So, what you having? Let's get some slammers.

Ah, girl from out of town, interested in some slammers?

Rosie-lee, can we get some slammers, please?

More tequila, need tequila, need tequila...

TOGETHER: Tequila, tequila, tequila!

Wind your body, yes. Hey...

What you doing?

Hi, guys. Hey.

What are we doing? A bit of sambuca?

Can I help you?

N...uh, no, no, was just...

Just, uh...

making contact with my lady.

-Your lady. -Sorry, this is a friend of mine, Tom.

-I'm Tom, nice to see you.Tom. -I'm a bit more than a friend, bit of a...

-MUMBLING: -I'm Biggs, this is Dazza. St... Bi...

Spazza? Darren, nice to meet you. Dazza.

Well, look, it's, um... I mean it's... It's only the afternoon,

but the sun's over the yardarm as far as I'm concerned -

let's get them in. OK.

Hm?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So, guys, um, we were wondering... do you have any...

Any stuff?

We've got a little bit of stuff. Great, great, great.

And what...what do you have, stuff-wise?

Blue cheese, whizz... I've got some tinas... Gosh.

Well, I mean, I think...

I think we just fancy some E, actually, if that's... Yeah.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

How much you want? Do you want a G, even half a G?

-Two Gs? -Look, the Gs sound great, but I think we just want the Es.

Um, how many Es do we want, darling? Do we want a half-dozen? Dozen?

Baker's dozen? Baker's dozen!

Make it a baker's. Do you want some brown?

-Er, no. -She wants some brown.

No, thank you, no brown needed here.

There's no need for brown, no need for brown.

Are you racist?

-Hm? -Are you racist?

No, sorry, I thought he meant...

-heroin. -No.

Has he got a problem with a black man's face?

No, no, no, no, I love the... -the black man's face. -Yeah?

Yeah, absolutely, and... Do you know, to be honest...

I'm actually quite relieved to see...

..one. You.

Because... I was saying, wasn't I, it's actually, predominantly

quite a white area, isn't it, all a bit Jane Austen.

And... I know she lived around here, actually.

Certainly for a portion of her life. Sounds like a bitch.

Well, she's... She's dead now. She wrote Persuasion.

So, you want some Es? -Yeah. -OK.

Northanger Abbey is a terrific primer

if you really want to get involved...

-Not you, Heidi. -Right.

DOOR CLOSES

THUNDER CLAPS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh, Fiona, what...

a lovely surprise.

I wa... I...was just working on your...

trotter platter.

Um... actually, I have, um...

a terrible migraine.

I wondered if you had any painkillers?

Only Mother's, which are...

somewhat nuclear.

Would you like some, uh...quiche?

I... I was just...

having a nibble, while Mummy snoozes...

Um...don't worry, then. OK, thanks.

It's quite eggy.

MUSIC ON JUKEBOX: Uptown Funk ft. Bruno Mars by Mark Ronson

PHONE BEEPS

PHONE BEEPS

MAN'S VOICE: You're feeling amazing...

fresh...

beautiful...

ready to tackle the day.

Wow...

You are a powerful, happy person.

You've never been happier.

Wow.

Feels good.

LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

SKATERS JEER

-Come on! -What's this?

Come on, mate!

OK, no, thank you.

I've got IBS!

Oi, why'd you let her put him in this?

-He looks like a dick. -Oh.

Come on, let's take it off. Oh! -How's, that?I can breathe. -Right?

Come on, why don't we just chuck this...

Oh, no, no, no!..over the side? Mummy will be very cross.

He said it was nice breathing -earlier. -Mummy will be very cross.

-Fun's fun. -Right, well, we couldn't possibly do that.

No, it's medicinal. It's not a fashion statement.

You want your son to look like a prick, do you..?No! He doesn't look like a...

Don't be such a pussy, hoy it in! I'm not being a pussy.

We're meant to be having fun! Have some fun with it.

I'm prepared to dangle it over the -side.Let's dangle it. -Shall we have

a bit of fun with Mummy's thing? Don't be a pussy, hoy it in!

Shall we dangle the helmet? Oh, for fuck's sake.

Argh! Shit!

-Better. -God!

Oh, Adam, please!

Archie needs that, Fee will be -furious! -Go and get it, then.

Oh, for God's sake.

Aaargh!

Dad, she can't swim!

For Christ's sake, just grab her a rope.

You're in charge.

It's OK, I'm coming! Here I come!

Get the helmet!

Adam! Adam, please!

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS IN THE DISTANCE

Oh, baby.

Oh, babe...

Oh, my God.

The lederhose are just ruined.

-Yeah. -Wh... What are you...

What are you doing?

Oh, you know...

I just...

I just fell in.

Um...

I was in the skateboard park, took a half-pipe and...

I just misjudged it.

I'm good, I'm good. I'm good.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Cool.

God, where were...? I was just waiting for you for absolutely ages.

Yeah, yeah. You know, life. -FROM DISTANCE: -Oi, paedo. Dickhead!

Tote... Oi, you prick!

Phone... Let's go.

-Do you know those guys, babe? -Yeah.

-Well, who are they? -Dunno.

Oh, we should give them a lift.

We haven't got room.

I think that's Tom and...

It's Fay, yeah, pull over.

Go on, pull o... pull over! It's not safe!

You've got to pull over for them! Adam!

TYRES SKID

Fancy meeting you here.

Hello, stranger, what are you doing with this roadkill?

Go on, jump in.

Come on, chop chop, I'll drive.

Come on.

Adam, you've been banned.

MUSIC ON STEREO: A Sky Full of Stars by Coldplay

♪ Because you light up the path

♪ I don't care... ♪ Are you OK, Kerry?

It's just, um, I get a bit car sick if I'm in the back.

No, I'm fine.

So what happened to you lot then?

Oh, you know, just a...bit of horseplay, mate, really.

-Oh, yeah? -Mm-hmm.

Yeah, we had something like that.

Kerry threw herself in the sea,

forgot she couldn't swim.

Kerry... Davey saved my life!

Oh, wow, Davey, you're my new hero! Yeah, Davey...

LOUD RETCHING

-Oh, babe, that stinks. -I know.

-It's disgusting. -I know.

-Have you been eating dog shit? -No!

Oh...come on.

HE GRUNTS

SHE MOANS

LOUD MOANING

Oh...

Mmm.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Oh!

Oh... Nnn...nn-nnn.

SHE SIGHS

Subtitles by Ericsson

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