Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Yeah, there's absolutely no damage to his eye whatsoever.

There's nothing there, OK? -Great. -So, listen,

I want you to go away and I want you to enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Well, he does have other symptoms, actually.

He's got quite a lot of different conditions.

Yeah, OK, well, we've examined his eye and there's nothing wrong with

-his eye. -Sorry, let me finish. He's dyslexic

and, you know, possibly dyspraxic.

He's got some rumblings of eczema.

It's just a freckle, darling. It's not a freckle. That is eczema.

I know it when I see it.

And he's also, erm... Well, he's asthmatic.

Right, has he got inhalers?

Yes, yes. He's got the blue pump and the brown pump.

Great. And is he using the brown pump?

Yes, he normally does two brown -pumps every morning. -Good.

And if he's feeling tight,

he'll squeeze in another pump in the afternoon.

-OK. -And blue pump is really just an emergency...

Top-up at night...top-up pump. Is he topping up at night?

-Yes. -Not that often, though.

Well, no, just every night.

There were some other issues.

I'm so sorry, but we just had accident on the cliffs

and I think we're going to have an influx of people.

So, we really need the bed space.

-That's awful, awful. -I know, but we need the bed space.

Come on, Archie, let's...

Just, I mean, quickly, before they get here then,

I wonder if you wouldn't mind having just a very quick look at his anus.

-His anus? -Yes.

It's just, I'm very... I'm actually concerned

that, erm, he might have more than one.

-Oh. -I love those poufs.

Poufs, yeah. Footstools.

-Yeah. -Chairs for children.

-Fantastic. -They're kind of like elephants' feet or something.

Yeah. Red and white.

Like a bleeding elephant -or something. -Yeah.

Hey, guys.

-Hey! -How are you?

OK.

Amazing place, isn't it?

It's incredible. I love covered arcades like this.

It's just a fantastic -way to shop. -Yeah.

Shelter.

What's going on? Can I nick a rollie, actually?

I just really fancy one.

Thank you. Cheers.

I'll have one, too, actually, mate.

You don't smoke, Tom.

Thanks, Mum.

Your hair looks nice, Tom.

Yeah? Thank you.

I think of you as more receding.

-Bald. -Right.

Well, I mean, it was thinning a bit, but it's exploded back into my life.

So, what, it just...rejuvenated?

Absolutely, it's rejuvenated. -All over? -Pretty much.

What are you, er...? You want me to show you?

No, it's... It's back with a bang.

I don't know why. I'm not a scientist.

I'm not Stephen Hawking,

but I think maybe it's just because I'm spending time

with someone who, er... has such a vital energy, you know?

So were you completely bald?

No, no. I was just kind of...

I was thinning. You just kind of catch a certain light

and you might see, you'd see scalp, but...everyone has that.

Come here.

It's intriguing.

SHE GASPS O-M-G.

I just love stuff like this. I love tat and...

-Hi. -Hi.

We're just saying what a fabulous shop you're maintaining here.

It's terrific. Big congrats.

Is this original?

Yes. Yes, it's, er...an original brush.

Yeah? Well, it certainly works.

Thank you.

-Is that real pearls? -Yeah.

-That is beautiful. -Pretty.

Yeah.

Pearls are found in, erm... -oysters. -Really?

-Yes. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. They occur in the sea.

Oh, my God. We should totally get -some oysters tonight. -Yeah! Yeah!

You can get some oysters from... You can get a bag of them.

I can't actually have them because of my IBS,

but I will definitely watch you eating them.

-Oh, my God. -I don't know why I'm whispering! They're an aphrodisiac.

That's a fact. That's not an opinion.

But that means it's just going to be me that's...

They CAN make you sexy.

I'm not complaining. Oh, wow, that's so cool.

What's the...? What's the provenance of this? How did it...?

It belonged to, erm, Ian Astbury of The Cult.

(No way.)No!

-Pop band, '80s. -I mean, I don't know their music,

but I'm fully aware of the impact they made. I mean, that's...

Before him, it, it was worn by the...

the one-armed drummer in Def Leppard.

-Def Leppard. -Oh, God, yeah, yeah.

This is... He just carried on drumming, didn't he?

With his stick jammed into his ulna.

Yeah.

So, how did Ian Astbury...

Did he bring it in, like he'd had enough of it, or...?

I... It was in his dressing room at the time.

So you... You took it?

I... I left him a note.

Is that...is that a real diamond?

Uh...

Y-Yes, yes.

What is that? Is that a... It's a.....treble clef?

-It's a treble clef. -Yeah. Erm... And the bass clef....

Is this Ian Astbury's?

Uh... Yes, yes.

I have, erm...a bass clef, too.

So, you can have the...

Yeah, I mean, you can't have one without the other, can you?

Actually, if you have a rummage, there's a couple of crotchets.

And are they Ian Astbury's as well?

Yes.

Wow.

I could also, erm... throw in the abacus,

-which is over there. -Is that his?

It belonged to the band, yes.

Would you consider doing a deal for the Astbury material?

-Yes. -We're talking clefs, crotchets, amulet...

-And the abacus. -And the abacus.

Which we haven't... Which we'd be buying unseen.

I mean, I haven't actually seen it yet.

I could do that for you.

Do you know Ian Astbury?

-No, no. -Look at that ring.

-Oh, my word. -Yes.

-My word. -It's stunning, isn't it?

Oh, that's gorgeous.

-It's good. -Love at first sight.

-Yeah. -It is, I mean, it is absolutely stonking.

-It's Victorian. -Mm.

It's actually, erm...

It's actually, er, an engagement ring.

-Oh, I love it. -It's incredible.

So, how much is it?

£500.

And you don't think... I mean, that looks like, to me,

there's one and then a bridge or a gap

or a membrane-y bridge or something

-to another one? -No, I just think it's a very long anus.

-I think that's all. -Oh, God.

-Mm-hm. -I mean, could that resolve?

Could that shrink down? It's unlikely to shrink.

If anything, it'll probably get bigger as he grows.

You know, it might just lengthen a little bit

as he grows up and so on, if he grows up.

Well, but...but... I mean, what are you saying?

That it might get longer and longer and longer and longer?

Well, no. You know, it'll reach a maximum,

but then it might, kind of, start caving in on itself, as it were.

But it's nothing to worry about.

-And what would happen then? -Well, he could have a small operation.

It's just vanity, no-one's really going to be looking there anyway.

--I hope not. -Happy? -Yeah, that's put my mind at rest.

OK, good. You pop your pants up, Archie.

I'll be waiting out here, OK? Robin, can you do it?

Thank you.

There we go.

SHE SNIFFS

SHE SNIFFS

SHE SNORTS

Babe, can you stop doing that?

Sorry. I've...

I've got a cold.

Have you brushed your teeth this morning?

Yes, of course.

Why? Does... Do I...?

-Does it smell? -Just a bit, yeah.

It's probably just the virus, the bacteria in my mouth.

Oh, my God, baby, look.

-Wow. -Lederhosen.

Oh, achtung.

You could totally pull those off, you know.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

You want to...pull my pork off?

-Hmm. -You want some pulled pork?

You'll give me a massive bonk-on in a moment.

Oh, my God.

God, I love your touch.

A-ha!

Can we try these on?

-Sure. -Yeah?

Is there somewhere...? Oh, just over there?

Me? Try them on?

-Yeah. -Through...through the curtain.

Oh, yeah.

But, I mean, have you come across this kind of elongated anus before?

Um, yeah, there was one gentleman during training,

he had quite a flabby one,

but he was fine, it didn't restrict him in life or anything.

And you don't think he'll have sat on something at school?

Or a set square or something, that's...?

Well, he might have, but his anus is fine, his eye's fine.

-Thank you, doctor. -That's all right. -We'll just...calm down. -Thank you.

They're very rude, aren't they?

Oh, Kerry, it's Fee. Have you got the fish yet?

There you go. Just don't tell your mum, OK?

-Good lad. -Have you got the fish?

Look, have you got the fish?!

Well, why not?

Oh!

MOANING

Oh, God.

-Oh, yeah. -Mm, mm.

Whoa, whoa.

GRUNTING

How are you getting on?

SLAPPING SOUNDS

HE GASPS AND GROANS

I'll see you outside, babe.

Sorry, it's a new belt.

This, er, this fell off. Sorry.

Oh, shit.

-I left my wallet up there. -Oh.

It must have fallen out of the hessian tote.

Ah! Erm, I-I left my wallet.

I really don't appreciate people coming in here

and using this place like some kind of knocking shop.

No, absolutely, absolutely.

Big apols. It is the honeymoon phase,

but I am seriously in love with all your produce here,

and I will absolutely make a purchase.

She liked the ring.

Didn't she?

I Don't Feel Like Dancin' by Scissor Sisters

Hey, guys, who wants some fizz?

Oh, no, well, we're not really drinking during the day

because there are children present.

Well, they're not going to be drinking, are they?

Well, I wouldn't mind a little glass of fizz actually, Fay.

-Yeah? -Yes, why not?

-Birthday fizz. -A little bit of 'poo on the birthday.

Birthday 'poo! LAUGHTER

-Cheers. -No, don't.

Kerry, do you want some -with your juice? -No, no.

I'm fine. No!

Adam can't, Fay.

-He's an alcoholic. -God, I mean, tell me about it, I'm a total alcoholic.

No, no. He has a disease.

-A disease? -The disease of alcoholism.

No, Adam has admitted he's powerless over alcohol.

Big congrats, by the way, man.

God, that's such a shame.

So, have you ever tried, like, homoeopathy or flower essences?

Flower essences have alcohol in, don't they?

They have whisky. Well, it's negligible I imagine.

Not if you're an alcoholic.

Will someone help me build a sand castle?

Yes, go on, Robin. -Go and help. -No, no, it's fine.

Honestly, guys, it's fine. I can go.

Thanks, Fay.

-Isn't she great? -She's really sweet.

Mm. That she is.

So, are...are you in touch with Anne at all?

I... Bits and bobs.

Yeah, Kerry had her on the phone about two in the morning, er,

fucking threatening to top herself.

Yeah, well, I mean, she was the one who wanted to call it quits.

Yeah, but why does she always have to call us

when she's feeling suicidal?

Exactly. I mean, you're not going to get an argument out of me, Adam.

It's clearly a cry for help.

I mean, she wouldn't do anything. She's got kids, hasn't she?

-Your kids. -Exactly.

I actually really want Fay to meet the kids.

I think, erm...

I think she's a keeper.

She's seriously clever. And not, you know, that boring clever.

She's bright. She is bright.

Yeah. And she's not in-your-face, "I'm a scientist" clever,

but, I mean, she's got street-smart.

Emotional intelligence.

Exactly, thank you. Exactly.

Is that intelligence, though?

Well, it's not artificial intelligence.

I mean, this is the real thing.

RELAXING MUSIC

I just wanted to say again, you know, like,

I'm so sorry about Archie and everything, but... Mm, mm.

..I'm glad, you know, he's OK.

Well, he's not. I mean, that's the point. He's not necessarily OK.

You know, I mean, he's comfortable, but we do need to monitor him.

--Really? -Yes. -Is his eye still painful?

Apparently, he could still lose the sight in one eye.

Cos I really, I just want to be really clear, Fee,

that you don't blame me.

Because, to be honest, I noticed when I met him,

that his eyes looked quite loose.

What do you mean?

Well, just that, erm... I could just see they're quite, sort of,

maybe, quite...in the sockets.

There was nothing wrong with his eyes.

I mean, all right, that was probably the one area that he did have

a normal working capacity.

No, I'm not... He's a cute guy, boy.

I just thought one of them,

particularly the one that ended up getting hit by the ball...

Which, again, wasn't my fault.

As I say, it was wrong place, wrong time, he couldn't defend himself,

he wasn't able to handle the bat very well.

I don't know if... I know he's got lots of medical issues.

Yes, he does have medical issues,

which is why you should have taken a lot more care.

And it was made clear to you that he had medical issues,

so I don't understand why you would go at it like that.

No, I wasn't going at it. -You went at it. -I really wasn't.

Well, from where I was, you were going at it quite hard.

It sounds like I was having sex with him or something.

-I just really resent the implication

that you think I'm just...

I wasn't for a moment implying you were...

What?! Sorry, I don't even want to think about that.

God.

You're it! THEY LAUGH

Robin is a really sweet guy.

-Hm. -Yeah, you've done well, there.

Well, he's done well, too.

It's not a question of... who's done the best, is it?

Is he naturally grey?

Well, I don't... I don't know anyone who would be unnaturally grey.

-You know? -Hm. I mean, he was ginger.

Aww..

Yeah, I've never been out with a ginger guy, actually.

Erm...

I've been out with an Indian guy.

He was very, very small, erm...

and sort of dry, very, very tiny penis,

which, you know, which is why it's nice to be with somebody like Tom.

Mm.

He's a bit more sort of chunky.

I imagine Robin's quite chunky.

Right. I think probably this fish isn't going to get bought

unless I go right -now, so excuse me. -Oh.

46, 47, 48, 49,

50, 51, 52, 53, 54...

Hey, you've got the flow.

-Nice. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, but...can you do this?

-Wow, that is amazing. -Right?

Yeah, yeah.

Cool, edgy stuff.

It's a bit more street, Archie.

Do you know what I mean? Football, it's a bit passe.

Plus, you can also DUNK on someone!

You can get right up. Are you all right?

-Yeah, I'm fine. -You've just got to keep watching cos I might come in.

Let's let the kids play.

ACOUSTIC GUITAR

♪ Out, out, out, why don't you leave me alone?

♪ Shout, shout... ♪

SHE TRAILS OFF TIMIDLY

♪ Out, out, out, why don't you leave me alone?

♪ Shout, shout, shout, baby, get off my phone

♪ Doubt, doubt, doubt, it's young men only

♪ Trout, trout, trout, you're going to hook me again

♪ Out, out, out, why don't you leave me alone? ♪

You're full of surprises.

Such an amazing vocal.

The fish cost double what they quoted.

I'll be paying for the whole weekend at this rate.

Oh, my God. Fee, let me chip in.

Oh, thanks.

Where's the wallet, babe?

I think it's in the hessian tote. OK.

Oh, God.

So, it... Whoops! Oh, God.

I think it's still partly alive.

-Oh, my God. -Damn, babe.

It was meant to be a surprise!

-Oh, my God. -No, no, no. Don't...

-I had to get it. -Oh, my God.

I had to get it.

Thank you.

-Do you like it? -Yeah.

-I love it. -Put it on.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

It's like it's part of you already. I'm literally shaking.

It's like a...

..sixth finger.

I really want to bonk you with that ring on.

Oh, my God.

OK.

Guys...

Tom and I have got an announcement.

Do we?

We're engaged.

-Oh, wow! -Congratulations.

-Where is Archie? -Do you remember

when you proposed, my beautiful wife?

No, sorry, where is Archie?

I thought he was with you.

Oh, my... Oh, my, God. Where is Archie?!

Archie!

Oh, my God, he's missing. He's been abducted!

-I knew it! -He was here a minute ago. Why weren't you watching him?!

You bloody fool!

Archie! Oh, my God!

Archie! Archie!

-Archie! Archie! -Archie!

Fee, he's here!

What? Oh, thank God.

Oh, thank God, oh. Oh, my poppet.

Oh! Where were you?

What's that?

-A lolly. -Right, -where did you get that? -The man.

The...the man?!

All right, what man?

What man? The man that touched my bottom.

Jesus Christ.

Where did he touch you, sweetie?

-In my bottom. -Oh, my God!

Oh, my God...

No, this is happening. This is actually happening.

Oh, my God. Right, where, what did the man...

-Somebody call the police! -Fee! Fee! I don't think...

Shut up, this is your fault!

Ow!

All right, it's all right, sweetheart.

It's just that Mummy has hurt her hand.

Now, do you want some squash or something?

Can we get him some squash?

Do you have any of that ice?

Put the fish on it. -I'll get the fish. -OK.

This is in ice, Robin.

OK.

It's all right. Yeah, I'm fine.

OK, that'll bring the swelling down. OK, thanks, darling.

-At least it's all right. -Just hold it in place for yourself, will you?

PANTING AND GROANING

Oh, my God. It's most beautiful ring in the world.

It's twinkly, like a distant moon.

Oh, God. It makes you look like fucking Cinderella.

I'm totally bonking your brains out -with the ring on. -Oh, my God.

God, I wish you could wear it on your cock.

-Like a cock ring? -Yeah. I could definitely do that.

-Won't it be too small? -No. I think it's made of pretty flexible metal.

Oh, God.

Maybe I could stuff it up your Jap's eye.

I was thinking that, too.

But I think there's a risk of infection.

-You might get an infection? -Exactly. We are so on the same page sexually.

Oh, my God.

Show me the ring, show me the ring. I'm showing you the ring.

No, show it to me in a different way.

Oh, God, that's so hot.

I'm going to kiss the ring.

Oh, God.

How does my cock feel?

Like a big pencil.

Oh, God.

Like, where is it? In a pencil thing?

In a pencil case. Yeah, exactly, a pencil case.

Like it's bursting out. And all the pens are flying everywhere.

Oh, shit. And there's other stuff -in there? -Yeah, like rubbers.

And, maybe, like, a little troll.

You're like a wordsmith.

Now, baby,

-you know I love the ring. -Oh, God.

And you love the ring too, right? Yeah.

I just want to clarify... Yeah.

You know the ring?

I meant it like more as a gift than an engagement ring.

Oh, oh!

Uhh.

-Did you come? -No.

Me too.

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