Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

♪ This summer, I went swimming

♪ This summer, I might have drowned

♪ But I held my breath and I kicked my feet

♪ And I moved my arms around

♪ Moved my arms around

♪ This summer I swam in the ocean... ♪

Can you slow down a bit, please, Robin? We're going too fast.

Oh, sorry, darling.

Very bumpy. Thrill of the open road, that's all.

Don't be silly.

-Straight on. -Mm-hm.

Can't see anything. Oh, look, there's a sign here.

Just slow up a bit, Robin, it's left.

It's here, Pittleford Farm.

-Quick, pull in. -Oooh!

Watch out! Oh, my...!

Plenty of space, darling. Where's the tents?

What are you... Why are you stopping, Robin?

Just go straight down, it's down the end here.

I think the tents will be...

It's not, just go down to the bottom, Robin! Keep going!

-It's not here. -Sorry, Fi.

God's sake! Just about had enough of this whole...

Right. All right, stop here, please.

Right, Noel Maunders.

Wait here. OK.

Sorry. Thanks.

Ooh! Here we are, then.

Let the holiday commence.

FI KNOCKS

-Ah. -Hello. Fiona Betherill, with the group party.

-Noel Maunders. -Hello.

The tents are all...

..set up, so you can...

-..take your pick. -OK.

Super. And parking-wise, where do we...?

You're welcome to drive down to the field

to unload your suitcases and whatnot.

And then you can park back up here...

..once you've unloaded everything.

Right. OK. Super. Thank you.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Ah! Six-all.

KNOCKING Oh!

Sorry.

-All OK, Fi? -Well, no -

we can't drive down to the field, unfortunately,

so you'll have to unload all the cases up here

and bring them down manually.

Oh. Okey-doke.

-Does he need to wear that? -Yes!

Here.

It's down the bottom here somewhere, we'll see you down there.

-Come on, Archie. -Great.

Don't keep fiddling with these zips, Archie, please.

HE PANTS AND GRUNTS

I'm gasping for a tea, Robin.

Okey-doke.

You'll need to get the fire going.

-Will do.

-Right. -Typical Kerry to be late.

Well, we did say to arrive an hour after us.

Oh, don't start, Robin.

OK.

I brought you a welcome apple cake.

Oh. Thank you. Thank you very much.

No, we...we do it for all the guests.

Right.

It's one Mother used to enjoy, but...

..she can only suck, now, really, she...

Oh...dear.

Is she, um...in the house with you?

Yes, yes, yes, if I mash some up with milk and 'nanas,

she might have a...spoonful or two later...

..if we're lucky.

Sorry, Neil, can I just ask about...?

It's Noel.

Can I just ask about the bed situation within the tent?

I mean, will they be...raised, raised at all?

Well...

You've got the little mattresses.

But no, no, it's as it is, it's about the height of...

A Weetabix. Yes, it's just that I've got an issue with my hips.

So, I mean... Well...

You could take one from another tent,

then they wouldn't have a mattress.

No, dear, we can't do that, we can't take...

I mean, it's FCFS, isn't it? It's FCFS. So...

-FCFS? -FCFS.

-First Come First Served. -Yes.

Yes, I suppose so, but we did tell everyone

to come an hour afterwards. There we are.

-We have lift-off. -Oh! Super!

Well done. Thank you, thank you, Noel.

Right, I'm going to take those mattresses, Robin.

Can you grab them?

Right, yes, Fi, can we have a cup of tea first?

No, get them both quickly, please, before they get here, Robin.

What about the pillows, do you want...?

-I think they're here. -Oh.

-Hi! -Oh! She's here!

Hello, Kerry! Happy birthday, Robin!

Oh! How lovely!

-Oh, looks intriguing. -Ah, no, sorry,

we're not doing presents until Sunday,

Robin's birthday proper, so I'll pop that

in the pressie bucket.

-Oh. -Hi, by the way.

Thanks, Fi. Good journey?

Good, yes.

Yes, did you send over the kitty money, or...?

Oh, no.

-Well, there's no hurry. -No, it's...

It's £350, as per my January e-mail.

Yes, sorry. I will.

No, there's no hurry, Kerry.

How's Adam? Is he here?

Yes. He's fine. Adam's very well.

Just having a rest in the car, bit tired, so...

It's quite a journey. Did he drive?

He didn't. I drove.

But as Adam says, it can be just as tiring for the passenger.

Mm, yeah, passenger. And he gets very tired

since he stopped drinking. So... Oh.

KNOCKING Argh!

Good morrow, sir. Ah, bonjour, bonjour!

Welcome to ze camp!

Don't be silly, please, Robin.

-Hello, Fi. -Adam.

-Hey! -Happy birthday, old man!

Thank you. What, old man? Old man?

Where's me Zimmer frame?

HE PANTS

-Ah. -Just making a coffee for Adam.

No. Sorry, no. No. No.

The kettle is out of bounds, I'm afraid.

No, it's for an emergency situation only.

Which we would have to define in the moment.

I mean, the whole point about being here

is to have the genuine outdoor camping experience,

so that's off-limits, I'm afraid.

-So sorry. -Well...

Ah...!

What's that?

Could it be a hawk?

A hawk, that's got into the shower?

I'm so sorry, Fi, cos I knew this wasn't planned,

but Adam has...he's...

Well, we've got his son with us, so...

-Oh! -What?

Davey, yes. I hope that's... I'm so sorry.

Well, it's not going to work for me, I'm so sorry.

I'd like to be able to help you out, but it's not...

-It's not going to work. -Oh, Fi. Apologies, but no.

Oh. So...

--Should we go back? -Hm. -Well...

No, I don't think there's any need to go back, is there, Fi?

Well, so where is he now?

PANTING Ooh, ooh!I...

That's him on the loo. So...

-Oh. -Yes, gets a bit bunged up.

So... I'm the same, I'm an absolute martyr to the...

..the early-morning push.

The bolus becomes very compacted.

Anyway, it will be nice for Archie to have a little chum to play with.

-Yes. Yes. -Ugh!

Oh.

Sounds like success!

I don't want him playing with Archie, Robin,

it's obviously...it's obviously some kind of condition.

Yes, it's called being a teenage boy.

I mean, it's every chance you get at that age.

What, did you...?

Well...

I presume you were hygienic.

In what way?

Did you wear a glove, or...?

No. No, no.

You wouldn't wear a glove, no.

You sometimes might pop it into a sock.

-Pop it into a sock? -Yes.

It's just what boys did, Fi, to...collect the mess.

Were they your socks?

No. I'm afraid they were Mum's.

I filled her pop socks.

Ah. Suppose Tom and Anne, not coming.

I shouldn't think so, no.

Oh, it's very sad, isn't it, the break-up?

-Mmm. -Awful.

Poor Anne.

Maybe not, maybe it's poor Tom.

Oh, no, no, because apparently Anne said that she, at one point,

she thought he was seeing a prostitute,

because she found sort of clumps of ginger pubic hair in the bed.

Why did she assume that was a prostitute?

Well, I...I imagine...

She did buy Tom that zookeeper's day for his birthday, so...

Maybe picked up some hairs there.

You know - a fox or an orang-utan.

Or servals, they're sort of gingery, aren't they?

Well, no, there was evidence of a takeaway as well.

Maybe he brought the serval back for a takeaway.

Well, no, I mean, I think if it had been a full-bodied human being

as opposed to a prostitute,

he'd have at least offered her a ready meal.

Oh, here's Davey.

Hello, love.

Archie?

-Archie, here's Davey. -Archie?

Say hello, love. Come and say hello. Come on.

-He's a bit shy. -Yes, he's...

It's Davey.

Don't, sorry, don't...

Why don't you two go and play hide and seek or something?

Where we can see you. Just...

That's enough.

-Cheers, Rob. -Ah! Cheers!

Adam's got something to celebrate, as well, actually.

Have I? What?

Two years.

-Oh. -Two years sober. He got his badge.

Oh, well done, Adam.

-Yeah. -Oh, so not a drop since...

Elizabeth. No.

Well, that is fantastic, Adam. And you look great.

Thanks, mate. I feel great.

RAINFALL, BIRDS CALL

SNORING

GRUNTING

Did you hear that?

Robin!

Can you hear that?

What's that noise? Robin, go and have a look.

OK.

I won't be a sec.

Robin, don't shine that in my face.

--Ow! -Sorry. -You stupid idiot.

God's sake!

MOOING

It's just a bull and a cow having, you know...intercourse.

Don't shine that at me, you...moron. Sorry.

What are they doing, having intercourse

in the middle of the night? I don't know.

Maybe it's his birthday.

Don't be stupid. Don't be silly, Robin.

I think it's quite romantic. It's not romantic.

Robin, don't poke that in my hip.

-Stop it. -OK.

Move it away.

HE SIGHS

HE SNORES

YELPING, LAUGHTER

Robin! He's got someone in there.

Do you want me to go and look? Yes. Go, now, quickly.

All right, darling.

Hurry up. Back in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

Just get on with it.

Argh! -Give me your money.

MAN LAUGHS

ROBIN EXCLAIMS

Come on, come on, one, two, three!

-Cheers! -Cheers! Oi-oi, what the fuck?!

-Hey, man! -What's this makeover? You look, er...

I did what millions of people do every day,

I just walked into Topshop -and expressed myself. -Right.

It's skinny, it's, er...carrot jeans.

With a nutmeg boot.

I was really sorry to hear about the split, you know,

you and Anne, that's... That must have been awful.

It was awful. But...

I'm actually...

I'm actually feeling kind of awesome right now.

So, cheers to that!

--Sorry. -Ooh! -Sorry, I just...

Hey! Hello, darling. How are you?

No, well, asleep. Asleep.

I'm sorry, this isn't going to work for me, because it's like,

it's...sort of midnight, and we didn't know you were coming.

-Oh, Fi! -Don't please snap at me again, Robin.

But the point is I've had everything organised.

You know, the kitty and everything. -Right. -You know, it's just...

Numbers are sort of building, aren't they?

-By one! -Right, Robin, you are going to have to stop drinking

if you're going to lash out at me like this.

Actually, you've got not one but two new partners in crime, birthday boy.

What are you talking about?

-I've brought someone with me. -What?

-Well, do we know him? -Er...

It's a she, actually.

Oh, goodness, Tom, is...?

-Is Anne here? -Hm?

No, no, fuck, no, no.

No, I'm talking about...my new lady.

Your new la...

Oh, for...

You don't fucking waste any time, do you?

Haven't got time to waste, mate.

Plus, you know, Anne and I have been broken up a while, now.

Three weeks? Actually just shy of a month, Fi.

But, um...

-Hey! -Hey, baby. How you doing? -Hi. -Hello.

Guys, this is the aforementioned Fay.

-Hi! -I'm Robin. -Hi, Robin. -Nice to meet you.

He's the birthday boy.

This is my wife, Fiona.

Hi, Fi. Hi there, thank you so much for inviting us.

Well, I didn't... This is Adam and this is Kez.

Hi, Kez. Hi, Adam.

This is a wicked venue.

-Yeah. -Fi, kudos to you.

It's really...it's incredible.

How did you...how did you find somewhere like this?

- Well, I looked online. - Oh, that's great.

-Cool. -That's great.

It's really, kind of...kind of countryside-y.

Yeah, it's rural. Sorry, Tom...

Do you fancy a brewski, babe? Yeah, I'd love one.

Whoa, big man, is this, er...

Is this cool? Oh, God, yeah. Cool.

Listen, we should get you to your quarters because it's getting late.

Oh, no, sorry, that's, actually, no. Because no, the point is

we've only got a single tent on standby for Tom,

you know, in the event that Tom came, he would be coming solo.

Well, luckily, Fi...

..those days are over.

Right?

I'm a bit...tired, actually, so...

Yeah. Yeah, let's... See you in the morning, mate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, good to see you. -Night, Fi. -Night, Kerry.

TOM AND FAY GIGGLE

Just at the back there, Tom.

Ah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, OK.

-Night. -Take care, man. Nice to meet you, Fay.

Shall we go? Shall we go?

What? Ssh!

--Sorry. -Sorry. -Sorry.

Come on.

CHURCH BELLS CHIME

Morning.

M-M-Morning.

Mmm...

This is the life, eh?

Mm. We need to get cracking, really,

I want to get to Bridport by 10am at the latest.

-It's 7.30. -We're just mooching there, aren't we. darling?

I mean, there's no hurry. No, I want to pick up the fish

I ordered from the Bridport fishery -last year. -Right.

I'm making a stargazey pie for supper tomorrow,

it's where the little fish heads poke up out of the cheesy crust.

Yum.

Tomatoes, anyone? We've got stewed or sun-dried.

Oh, no, stewed are fine for Archie,

but please not sun-dried, thank you. What? It's an allergy, is it?

Oh, no, it's any foods which Fi feels could be vaguely homosexual.

Couscous, Marie-Rose sauce, wraps.

Yes, yeah. Quite a few grains, apparently.

Polenta, buckwheat. Things like that, you know,

but also mozzarella.

Baguettes, you know, things that gay people eat.

You know, they've discovered there is a link.

So, you know... He's already showing some of the facial bloating

normally associated with profoundly homosexual men.

Actually, I've got some itineraries for you, you know,

best routes to Bridport. There are actually seven.

I've highlighted the three fastest, etc.

It's a 15-minute drive,

but I've allowed an hour for unexpecteds.

Yeah, Fi, can I just ask one thing?

With the...itinerary,

what time can I actually have a shit?

Here's the coffee. And I've got some lovely treats for lunch.

-Oh, yum. -Oh, my God.

Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee! -Morning, morning! -Give me coffee!

--Hi, guys! -Wowsers. -Hi.

Wicked brekkie spread, guys. You a coffee head too, are you?

Oh, my God, I am such a bitch if I don't get my coffee.

Mm. A beautiful bitch.

Bitch on bloody heat.

Mmm...mm!

-Mm, yumski. -Have you got pain au chocolat in here?

Er... Oh, yeah. Oh, God.

Those are the pain au chocolat!

Oh, my God. Pain au chocolat!

I'm going to come, I'm going to come!

Oh-ho, no more coming!

I'm going to drown! Excuse me, can I...?

I would appreciate everyone's kitty contributions before people start snatching at food willy-nilly.

OK. Well, look, tell you what, how about lunch-wise,

we, like, I don't know, maybe we could, like,

treat these guys to some pub grub?

Just have a bit of a boozy one, what do you think, Robin?

-Boozy-woozy. -Yeah.

Oh, sorry, I love kids, by the way, so that's not a problem.

Oh, that's great, isn't it

--Oh. -Is it choccy? -A bit of choccy. -Can we play swing ball now?

Not at the moment, just when I've finished my coffee, love.

So, um... So what do you do, Fay?

-Oh. -Do you...know anything about dubstep?

Dubstep? Yes, I think they offer that at our gym.

-Oh, bless. -No, they don't.

THEY LAUGH

-No? -No, OK, so...

Stepercise?

-Fay's a DJ. Right. -Guilty.

And dubstep's about 80 to 120... 120...bpm, that's beats per minute.

Oh, OK. Quick.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fast.

Keep up, mate. I didn't think you liked clubbing.

I love it, mate. But what about the...?

Well, I've got the inner ear problem.

Funny story about that, actually. Right.

Cos the night we met, like, in the club,

I actually had a fit. I fitted.

And this little lady put me in the back of an ambulance, didn't you?

It's basically vertigo with vomiting, isn't it?

Still, one advantage is

you look like the drunkest motherfucker in the room.

You know? Some people thought I was doing the worm and shit.

-I wasn't. -Which you can do. I can, I can do the worm.

He's really good at the worm. I thought you'd shit yourself.

Yeah, well, I did a little bit!

-Did you? -Yeah, you're not in complete control in that situation,

but you know, it's a condition, and...

you live with it every day that God gives you, fo' sho'!

Have you got any conditions you want to tell us about, Fay,

or can we get going?

Unfortunately, Fay is, um...on a course of treatment

because she's a...

nympho-fucking-manic.

Aren't you?

No known cure, baby.

HEAVY BREATHING

Dad, will you play swingball now?

Er...when I've had my coffee, love.

Two minutes.

Um... I could play with him, if you want?

-Oh. -Yeah? Why don't you enjoy your coffee, Robin.

-Thank you. -Baby!

15-love!

-OK. -God. She's so great with kids.

Does Anne know all about this, Tom? Huh?

Does Anne know about this?

Anne is...

I mean, we're on, like,

we're on different cycles, at the moment, I think, you know?

We having time off, that's understood.

I'm seeing Fay, she's seeing this builder called Horst.

-Horse? -Horst, with a T.

-Oh. -Cos he's...from Denmark.

And Ronan Keating got it right, you know?

Life is just a freaking rollercoaster, and I just...

I hope things are going as beautifully for her as they are for me.

Argh!

Oh, my God!

Um...

- I'm sorry. - Sweetie...

- Oh, God. - Oh, my God!

Get the bloody car, we going to have to take into A

She's just belted him in the eye.

I didn't mean to! I'm sure it's not serious.

Of course it's serious, he's got a detached retina, probably.

Is he OK? No, he's not OK. No, he's not OK.

Oh, my God! Robin, get the car!

He's going to be blind. Let me have a look, darling.

Oh, my God, he's going to be blind, or dumb.

He's going to be a gay blind dwarf!

Oh, my God! Come on, Archie!

How you doing? Come on, baby.

Oh, no. Oh, he'll be all right.

Come on, Robin!

Right, stand there, darling. Stand still.

Right. Is he all right? How are you?

There we are, sweetie. I'm not sure he needs the eye patch.

Of course he does, Robin, it was completely flung forward.

His eye's virtually come out!

Just give him some Calpol. What, to keep his eye in?

All right, all right. Step in, darling.

There we are, carefully, carefully. All right.

Put your seatbelt on. Oh, just drive, Robin!

You're overreacting slightly.

You're under-reacting enormously. Just drive, please.

Have you there in a jiff.

--It's left. -What? -Oh!

♪ Hey...! ♪

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