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This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.
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♪ This summer, I went swimming
3
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♪ This summer, I might have drowned
4
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♪ But I held my breath
and I kicked my feet
5
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♪ And I moved my arms around
6
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♪ Moved my arms around
7
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♪ This summer I swam
in the ocean... ♪
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Can you slow down a bit, please,
Robin? We're going too fast.
9
00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:43,280
Oh, sorry, darling.
10
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Very bumpy.
Thrill of the open road, that's all.
11
00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:48,280
Don't be silly.
12
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,400
-Straight on.
-Mm-hm.
13
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Can't see anything.
Oh, look, there's a sign here.
14
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,560
Just slow up a bit, Robin,
it's left.
15
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,160
It's here, Pittleford Farm.
16
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:11,520
-Quick, pull in.
-Oooh!
17
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,320
Watch out! Oh, my...!
18
00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,360
Plenty of space, darling.
Where's the tents?
19
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:17,400
What are you...
Why are you stopping, Robin?
20
00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:19,640
Just go straight down,
it's down the end here.
21
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,040
I think the tents will be...
22
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:24,400
It's not, just go down to
the bottom, Robin! Keep going!
23
00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:26,120
-It's not here.
-Sorry, Fi.
24
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,960
God's sake! Just about had enough
of this whole...
25
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,160
Right. All right, stop here, please.
26
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:32,880
Right, Noel Maunders.
27
00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:34,520
Wait here. OK.
28
00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:35,560
Sorry. Thanks.
29
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:40,280
Ooh! Here we are, then.
30
00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:42,400
Let the holiday commence.
31
00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:45,320
FI KNOCKS
32
00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:58,000
-Ah.
-Hello. Fiona Betherill,
with the group party.
33
00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,120
-Noel Maunders.
-Hello.
34
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:01,720
The tents are all...
35
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:04,640
..set up, so you can...
36
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:08,200
-..take your pick.
-OK.
37
00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:11,280
Super. And parking-wise,
where do we...?
38
00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:14,040
You're welcome to drive
down to the field
39
00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:17,480
to unload your suitcases
and whatnot.
40
00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:19,920
And then you can park
back up here...
41
00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:26,000
..once you've unloaded everything.
42
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:28,680
Right. OK. Super. Thank you.
43
00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:38,240
Rock, paper, scissors.
44
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:39,920
Ah! Six-all.
45
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:41,360
KNOCKING Oh!
46
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Sorry.
47
00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:44,280
-All OK, Fi?
-Well, no -
48
00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:46,480
we can't drive down to the field,
unfortunately,
49
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,400
so you'll have to unload
all the cases up here
50
00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:49,720
and bring them down manually.
51
00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:51,240
Oh. Okey-doke.
52
00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,040
-Does he need to wear that?
-Yes!
53
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:03,320
Here.
54
00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:06,040
It's down the bottom here somewhere,
we'll see you down there.
55
00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:09,000
-Come on, Archie.
-Great.
56
00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:18,240
Don't keep fiddling with these zips,
Archie, please.
57
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:24,360
HE PANTS AND GRUNTS
58
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:26,680
I'm gasping for a tea, Robin.
59
00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:27,720
Okey-doke.
60
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:32,480
You'll need to get the fire going.
61
00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:33,680
-Will do.
62
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:40,120
-Right.
-Typical Kerry to be late.
63
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:42,960
Well, we did say to arrive
an hour after us.
64
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,480
Oh, don't start, Robin.
65
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:46,200
OK.
66
00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:58,360
I brought you a welcome apple cake.
67
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,920
Oh. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
68
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:04,840
No, we...we do it
for all the guests.
69
00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:06,760
Right.
70
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:09,840
It's one Mother used to enjoy,
but...
71
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,360
..she can only suck, now, really,
she...
72
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:18,280
Oh...dear.
73
00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:20,880
Is she, um...in the house
with you?
74
00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:25,480
Yes, yes, yes, if I mash some up
with milk and 'nanas,
75
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:28,640
she might have a...spoonful
or two later...
76
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,000
..if we're lucky.
77
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:36,360
Sorry, Neil,
can I just ask about...?
78
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:37,920
It's Noel.
79
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:43,240
Can I just ask about
the bed situation within the tent?
80
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:48,800
I mean, will they be...raised,
raised at all?
81
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:49,840
Well...
82
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:53,440
You've got the little mattresses.
83
00:04:54,720 --> 00:05:01,440
But no, no, it's as it is,
it's about the height of...
84
00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:05,400
A Weetabix. Yes, it's just that
I've got an issue with my hips.
85
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:08,040
So, I mean...
Well...
86
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:12,000
You could take one
from another tent,
87
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,960
then they wouldn't have a mattress.
88
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,720
No, dear, we can't do that,
we can't take...
89
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:22,240
I mean, it's FCFS, isn't it?
It's FCFS. So...
90
00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:23,720
-FCFS?
-FCFS.
91
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,600
-First Come First Served.
-Yes.
92
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,040
Yes, I suppose so,
but we did tell everyone
93
00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:30,560
to come an hour afterwards.
There we are.
94
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,080
-We have lift-off.
-Oh! Super!
95
00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:34,280
Well done.
Thank you, thank you, Noel.
96
00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,520
Right, I'm going to take
those mattresses, Robin.
97
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:40,920
Can you grab them?
98
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,200
Right, yes, Fi, can we have
a cup of tea first?
99
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:46,840
No, get them both quickly, please,
before they get here, Robin.
100
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,880
What about the pillows,
do you want...?
101
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,640
-I think they're here.
-Oh.
102
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:14,560
-Hi!
-Oh! She's here!
103
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:21,080
Hello, Kerry!
Happy birthday, Robin!
104
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,040
Oh! How lovely!
105
00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:25,160
-Oh, looks intriguing.
-Ah, no, sorry,
106
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:26,920
we're not doing presents
until Sunday,
107
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,840
Robin's birthday proper,
so I'll pop that
108
00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:30,040
in the pressie bucket.
109
00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:31,200
-Oh.
-Hi, by the way.
110
00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:33,040
Thanks, Fi. Good journey?
111
00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:34,640
Good, yes.
112
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:36,840
Yes, did you send over
the kitty money, or...?
113
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:38,200
Oh, no.
114
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:41,360
-Well, there's no hurry.
-No, it's...
115
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:45,000
It's £350,
as per my January e-mail.
116
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:47,440
Yes, sorry. I will.
117
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:48,800
No, there's no hurry, Kerry.
118
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:51,080
How's Adam? Is he here?
119
00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:55,120
Yes. He's fine. Adam's very well.
120
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,720
Just having a rest in the car,
bit tired, so...
121
00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,640
It's quite a journey.
Did he drive?
122
00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:02,200
He didn't. I drove.
123
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:05,800
But as Adam says, it can be
just as tiring for the passenger.
124
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:07,960
Mm, yeah, passenger.
And he gets very tired
125
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,720
since he stopped drinking. So...
Oh.
126
00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,960
KNOCKING Argh!
127
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:20,840
Good morrow, sir.
Ah, bonjour, bonjour!
128
00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,280
Welcome to ze camp!
129
00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:24,640
Don't be silly, please, Robin.
130
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,400
-Hello, Fi.
-Adam.
131
00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,440
-Hey!
-Happy birthday, old man!
132
00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:32,560
Thank you. What, old man? Old man?
133
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,760
Where's me Zimmer frame?
134
00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:42,840
HE PANTS
135
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:56,120
-Ah.
-Just making a coffee for Adam.
136
00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:58,600
No. Sorry, no. No. No.
137
00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,760
The kettle is out of bounds,
I'm afraid.
138
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,960
No, it's for an emergency situation
only.
139
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,920
Which we would have to define
in the moment.
140
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,880
I mean, the whole point
about being here
141
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,440
is to have the genuine
outdoor camping experience,
142
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:12,320
so that's off-limits, I'm afraid.
143
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:14,360
-So sorry.
-Well...
144
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:16,960
Ah...!
145
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:18,280
What's that?
146
00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:23,200
Could it be a hawk?
147
00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:26,760
A hawk, that's got into the shower?
148
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:29,840
I'm so sorry, Fi,
cos I knew this wasn't planned,
149
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:31,440
but Adam has...he's...
150
00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:35,280
Well, we've got his son
with us, so...
151
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,320
-Oh!
-What?
152
00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:40,640
Davey, yes. I hope that's...
I'm so sorry.
153
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:42,960
Well, it's not going to work for me,
I'm so sorry.
154
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,360
I'd like to be able to help you out,
but it's not...
155
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,960
-It's not going to work.
-Oh, Fi.
Apologies, but no.
156
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,200
Oh. So...
157
00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:53,160
--Should we go back?
-Hm.
-Well...
158
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:56,160
No, I don't think there's any need
to go back, is there, Fi?
159
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:58,000
Well, so where is he now?
160
00:08:58,040 --> 00:08:59,640
PANTING Ooh, ooh!I...
161
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:02,400
That's him on the loo. So...
162
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,560
-Oh.
-Yes, gets a bit bunged up.
163
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:08,840
So... I'm the same,
I'm an absolute martyr to the...
164
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,240
..the early-morning push.
165
00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:13,760
The bolus becomes very compacted.
166
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:18,120
Anyway, it will be nice for Archie
to have a little chum to play with.
167
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,440
-Yes. Yes.
-Ugh!
168
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,080
Oh.
169
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,440
Sounds like success!
170
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:28,520
I don't want him
playing with Archie, Robin,
171
00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:31,040
it's obviously...it's obviously
some kind of condition.
172
00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:33,360
Yes, it's called
being a teenage boy.
173
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,680
I mean, it's every chance
you get at that age.
174
00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:37,080
What, did you...?
175
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,400
Well...
176
00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:41,840
I presume you were hygienic.
177
00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:42,960
In what way?
178
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,920
Did you wear a glove, or...?
179
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,280
No. No, no.
180
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:48,760
You wouldn't wear a glove, no.
181
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:51,360
You sometimes might
pop it into a sock.
182
00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:54,040
-Pop it into a sock?
-Yes.
183
00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:57,480
It's just what boys did, Fi,
to...collect the mess.
184
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:00,200
Were they your socks?
185
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:04,680
No. I'm afraid they were Mum's.
186
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,480
I filled her pop socks.
187
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,560
Ah. Suppose Tom and Anne,
not coming.
188
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,520
I shouldn't think so, no.
189
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:21,880
Oh, it's very sad,
isn't it, the break-up?
190
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:24,120
-Mmm.
-Awful.
191
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:25,880
Poor Anne.
192
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,160
Maybe not, maybe it's poor Tom.
193
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:32,560
Oh, no, no, because apparently
Anne said that she, at one point,
194
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,480
she thought he was
seeing a prostitute,
195
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:38,080
because she found sort of clumps
of ginger pubic hair in the bed.
196
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:39,960
Why did she assume
that was a prostitute?
197
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:41,720
Well, I...I imagine...
198
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:45,080
She did buy Tom that zookeeper's day
for his birthday, so...
199
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,360
Maybe picked up some hairs there.
200
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:50,400
You know - a fox or an orang-utan.
201
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,840
Or servals, they're sort of gingery,
aren't they?
202
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:55,160
Well, no, there was evidence
of a takeaway as well.
203
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,760
Maybe he brought the serval back
for a takeaway.
204
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:01,280
Well, no, I mean, I think if it had
been a full-bodied human being
205
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:02,880
as opposed to a prostitute,
206
00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:05,400
he'd have at least offered her
a ready meal.
207
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:07,680
Oh, here's Davey.
208
00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:09,800
Hello, love.
209
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:11,040
Archie?
210
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:13,160
-Archie, here's Davey.
-Archie?
211
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:16,240
Say hello, love.
Come and say hello. Come on.
212
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:19,600
-He's a bit shy.
-Yes, he's...
213
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,120
It's Davey.
214
00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:24,800
Don't, sorry, don't...
215
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:29,040
Why don't you two go and play
hide and seek or something?
216
00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:31,640
Where we can see you. Just...
217
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:34,200
That's enough.
218
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:18,880
-Cheers, Rob.
-Ah! Cheers!
219
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:22,480
Adam's got something to celebrate,
as well, actually.
220
00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:24,120
Have I? What?
221
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,760
Two years.
222
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:30,240
-Oh.
-Two years sober.
He got his badge.
223
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:32,640
Oh, well done, Adam.
224
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:35,160
-Yeah.
-Oh, so not a drop since...
225
00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:39,680
Elizabeth. No.
226
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:43,160
Well, that is fantastic, Adam.
And you look great.
227
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:44,760
Thanks, mate. I feel great.
228
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:51,040
RAINFALL, BIRDS CALL
229
00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,160
SNORING
230
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:04,520
GRUNTING
231
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,160
Did you hear that?
232
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,000
Robin!
233
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:15,320
Can you hear that?
234
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:21,480
What's that noise?
Robin, go and have a look.
235
00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:22,760
OK.
236
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:25,840
I won't be a sec.
237
00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:30,800
Robin, don't shine that in my face.
238
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:33,160
--Ow!
-Sorry.
-You stupid idiot.
239
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:36,920
God's sake!
240
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:46,080
MOOING
241
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:51,440
It's just a bull and a cow
having, you know...intercourse.
242
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:55,320
Don't shine that at me, you...moron.
Sorry.
243
00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:57,320
What are they doing,
having intercourse
244
00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:59,720
in the middle of the night?
I don't know.
245
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,760
Maybe it's his birthday.
246
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,520
Don't be stupid.
Don't be silly, Robin.
247
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:07,640
I think it's quite romantic.
It's not romantic.
248
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,960
Robin, don't poke that in my hip.
249
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,600
-Stop it.
-OK.
250
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:15,000
Move it away.
251
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,680
HE SIGHS
252
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,200
HE SNORES
253
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,800
YELPING, LAUGHTER
254
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:32,240
Robin! He's got someone in there.
255
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:36,680
Do you want me to go and look?
Yes. Go, now, quickly.
256
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,240
All right, darling.
257
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:47,200
Hurry up.
Back in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
258
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:48,640
Just get on with it.
259
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:04,600
Argh!
-Give me your money.
260
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,880
MAN LAUGHS
261
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,560
ROBIN EXCLAIMS
262
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:20,880
Come on, come on, one, two, three!
263
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,640
-Cheers!
-Cheers!
Oi-oi, what the fuck?!
264
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:27,040
-Hey, man!
-What's this makeover?
You look, er...
265
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:30,320
I did what millions of people
do every day,
266
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,800
I just walked into Topshop
-and expressed myself.
-Right.
267
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,360
It's skinny,
it's, er...carrot jeans.
268
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:38,160
With a nutmeg boot.
269
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:41,080
I was really sorry to hear
about the split, you know,
270
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:43,680
you and Anne, that's...
That must have been awful.
271
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:45,720
It was awful. But...
272
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:47,560
I'm actually...
273
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:51,160
I'm actually feeling kind of awesome
right now.
274
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,440
So, cheers to that!
275
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:55,720
--Sorry.
-Ooh!
-Sorry, I just...
276
00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,880
Hey! Hello, darling. How are you?
277
00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:00,200
No, well, asleep. Asleep.
278
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:03,480
I'm sorry, this isn't going
to work for me, because it's like,
279
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:06,160
it's...sort of midnight,
and we didn't know you were coming.
280
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:09,200
-Oh, Fi!
-Don't please snap
at me again, Robin.
281
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,800
But the point is
I've had everything organised.
282
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:15,120
You know, the kitty and everything.
-Right.
-You know, it's just...
283
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:16,960
Numbers are sort of building,
aren't they?
284
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:20,200
-By one!
-Right, Robin, you are going
to have to stop drinking
285
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,600
if you're going to lash out
at me like this.
286
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:30,200
Actually, you've got not one but two
new partners in crime, birthday boy.
287
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:31,800
What are you talking about?
288
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,680
-I've brought someone with me.
-What?
289
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:38,360
-Well, do we know him?
-Er...
290
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,040
It's a she, actually.
291
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:42,160
Oh, goodness, Tom, is...?
292
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,320
-Is Anne here?
-Hm?
293
00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:46,160
No, no, fuck, no, no.
294
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:50,280
No, I'm talking about...my new lady.
295
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,680
Your new la...
296
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:54,120
Oh, for...
297
00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:56,560
You don't fucking waste any time,
do you?
298
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,160
Haven't got time to waste, mate.
299
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:01,560
Plus, you know, Anne and I have been
broken up a while, now.
300
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,560
Three weeks?
Actually just shy of a month, Fi.
301
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:06,040
But, um...
302
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:10,560
-Hey!
-Hey, baby. How you doing?
-Hi.
-Hello.
303
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:15,080
Guys,
this is the aforementioned Fay.
304
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:18,680
-Hi!
-I'm Robin.
-Hi, Robin.
-Nice to meet you.
305
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:19,920
He's the birthday boy.
306
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:22,040
This is my wife, Fiona.
307
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:25,680
Hi, Fi. Hi there,
thank you so much for inviting us.
308
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,320
Well, I didn't...
This is Adam and this is Kez.
309
00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:31,080
Hi, Kez. Hi, Adam.
310
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:33,360
This is a wicked venue.
311
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,080
-Yeah.
-Fi, kudos to you.
312
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:36,680
It's really...it's incredible.
313
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:39,080
How did you...how did you find
somewhere like this?
314
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:41,520
- Well, I looked online.
- Oh, that's great.
315
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,320
-Cool.
-That's great.
316
00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:46,960
It's really,
kind of...kind of countryside-y.
317
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,840
Yeah, it's rural. Sorry, Tom...
318
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:51,160
Do you fancy a brewski, babe?
Yeah, I'd love one.
319
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,600
Whoa, big man, is this, er...
320
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,160
Is this cool?
Oh, God, yeah. Cool.
321
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,520
Listen, we should get you to your
quarters because it's getting late.
322
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:02,520
Oh, no, sorry, that's, actually, no.
Because no, the point is
323
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:05,280
we've only got a single tent
on standby for Tom,
324
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:09,200
you know, in the event that Tom
came, he would be coming solo.
325
00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:11,280
Well, luckily, Fi...
326
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,400
..those days are over.
327
00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:17,800
Right?
328
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:40,360
I'm a bit...tired, actually, so...
329
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,960
Yeah. Yeah, let's...
See you in the morning, mate.
330
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:48,720
Yeah, yeah, yeah, good to see you.
-Night, Fi.
-Night, Kerry.
331
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:51,320
TOM AND FAY GIGGLE
332
00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:58,840
Just at the back there, Tom.
333
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,520
Ah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, OK.
334
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,080
-Night.
-Take care, man.
Nice to meet you, Fay.
335
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:06,120
Shall we go? Shall we go?
336
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:08,400
What?
Ssh!
337
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:11,800
--Sorry.
-Sorry.
-Sorry.
338
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:15,600
Come on.
339
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,880
CHURCH BELLS CHIME
340
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:35,800
Morning.
341
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:37,760
M-M-Morning.
342
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,200
Mmm...
343
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:52,760
This is the life, eh?
344
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,520
Mm. We need to get cracking, really,
345
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,600
I want to get to Bridport
by 10am at the latest.
346
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:59,800
-It's 7.30.
-We're just mooching
there, aren't we. darling?
347
00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:02,320
I mean, there's no hurry.
No, I want to pick up the fish
348
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,840
I ordered from the Bridport fishery
-last year.
-Right.
349
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:07,640
I'm making a stargazey pie
for supper tomorrow,
350
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:11,520
it's where the little fish heads
poke up out of the cheesy crust.
351
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:13,000
Yum.
352
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:16,960
Tomatoes, anyone?
We've got stewed or sun-dried.
353
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,200
Oh, no, stewed are fine for Archie,
354
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:22,960
but please not sun-dried, thank you.
What? It's an allergy, is it?
355
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:27,640
Oh, no, it's any foods which Fi
feels could be vaguely homosexual.
356
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,960
Couscous, Marie-Rose sauce, wraps.
357
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:33,080
Yes, yeah. Quite a few grains,
apparently.
358
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:35,480
Polenta, buckwheat.
Things like that, you know,
359
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:36,960
but also mozzarella.
360
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,440
Baguettes, you know,
things that gay people eat.
361
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,760
You know, they've discovered
there is a link.
362
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:45,360
So, you know... He's already showing
some of the facial bloating
363
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:47,960
normally associated
with profoundly homosexual men.
364
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,960
Actually, I've got some itineraries
for you, you know,
365
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:54,160
best routes to Bridport.
There are actually seven.
366
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,240
I've highlighted
the three fastest, etc.
367
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:57,400
It's a 15-minute drive,
368
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,440
but I've allowed an hour
for unexpecteds.
369
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,280
Yeah, Fi, can I just ask one thing?
370
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:03,520
With the...itinerary,
371
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:06,120
what time can I actually
have a shit?
372
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:11,920
Here's the coffee. And I've got
some lovely treats for lunch.
373
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:14,120
-Oh, yum.
-Oh, my God.
374
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:17,600
Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee!
-Morning, morning!
-Give me coffee!
375
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:19,200
--Hi, guys!
-Wowsers.
-Hi.
376
00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:22,560
Wicked brekkie spread, guys.
You a coffee head too, are you?
377
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:25,040
Oh, my God, I am such a bitch
if I don't get my coffee.
378
00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:27,320
Mm. A beautiful bitch.
379
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:29,440
Bitch on bloody heat.
380
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:35,000
Mmm...mm!
381
00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:38,920
-Mm, yumski.
-Have you got
pain au chocolat in here?
382
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,400
Er... Oh, yeah. Oh, God.
383
00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,360
Those are the pain au chocolat!
384
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:43,800
Oh, my God. Pain au chocolat!
385
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:45,600
I'm going to come,
I'm going to come!
386
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:46,960
Oh-ho, no more coming!
387
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:49,160
I'm going to drown!
Excuse me, can I...?
388
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:53,720
I would appreciate everyone's kitty
contributions before people start
snatching at food willy-nilly.
389
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:56,920
OK. Well, look, tell you what,
how about lunch-wise,
390
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:59,280
we, like, I don't know,
maybe we could, like,
391
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:00,840
treat these guys to some pub grub?
392
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:03,280
Just have a bit of a boozy one,
what do you think, Robin?
393
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:04,640
-Boozy-woozy.
-Yeah.
394
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:09,160
Oh, sorry, I love kids, by the way,
so that's not a problem.
395
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:10,520
Oh, that's great, isn't it
396
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:14,760
--Oh.
-Is it choccy?
-A bit of choccy.
-Can we play swing ball now?
397
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:18,600
Not at the moment, just when
I've finished my coffee, love.
398
00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:22,280
So, um... So what do you do, Fay?
399
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:26,920
-Oh.
-Do you...know anything
about dubstep?
400
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:31,120
Dubstep? Yes, I think
they offer that at our gym.
401
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,200
-Oh, bless.
-No, they don't.
402
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:34,880
THEY LAUGH
403
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,640
-No?
-No, OK, so...
404
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:38,040
Stepercise?
405
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:40,800
-Fay's a DJ. Right.
-Guilty.
406
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:45,880
And dubstep's about 80 to 120...
120...bpm, that's beats per minute.
407
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:47,640
Oh, OK. Quick.
408
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:50,880
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fast.
409
00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:53,840
Keep up, mate.
I didn't think you liked clubbing.
410
00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:55,960
I love it, mate.
But what about the...?
411
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,240
Well, I've got
the inner ear problem.
412
00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:00,760
Funny story about that, actually.
Right.
413
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,200
Cos the night we met,
like, in the club,
414
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:04,760
I actually had a fit. I fitted.
415
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:08,160
And this little lady put me in the
back of an ambulance, didn't you?
416
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,920
It's basically vertigo
with vomiting, isn't it?
417
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:12,760
Still, one advantage is
418
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:16,320
you look like the drunkest
motherfucker in the room.
419
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:19,720
You know? Some people thought
I was doing the worm and shit.
420
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:22,640
-I wasn't.
-Which you can do.
I can, I can do the worm.
421
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,240
He's really good at the worm.
I thought you'd shit yourself.
422
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:26,680
Yeah, well, I did a little bit!
423
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:30,000
-Did you?
-Yeah, you're not in
complete control in that situation,
424
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,320
but you know,
it's a condition, and...
425
00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:36,760
you live with it every day
that God gives you, fo' sho'!
426
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:39,760
Have you got any conditions
you want to tell us about, Fay,
427
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,000
or can we get going?
428
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:44,320
Unfortunately, Fay is,
um...on a course of treatment
429
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:46,440
because she's a...
430
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,160
nympho-fucking-manic.
431
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,080
Aren't you?
432
00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:51,880
No known cure, baby.
433
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:54,280
HEAVY BREATHING
434
00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:01,960
Dad, will you play swingball now?
435
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,920
Er...when I've had my coffee, love.
436
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:06,200
Two minutes.
437
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:12,200
Um... I could play with him,
if you want?
438
00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:15,600
-Oh.
-Yeah? Why don't you enjoy
your coffee, Robin.
439
00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:17,000
-Thank you.
-Baby!
440
00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:21,800
15-love!
441
00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:26,840
-OK.
-God. She's so great with kids.
442
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:31,440
Does Anne know all about this, Tom?
Huh?
443
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:33,360
Does Anne know about this?
444
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:35,480
Anne is...
445
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:37,920
I mean, we're on, like,
446
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,640
we're on different cycles,
at the moment, I think, you know?
447
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:42,800
We having time off,
that's understood.
448
00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:46,440
I'm seeing Fay, she's seeing
this builder called Horst.
449
00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:49,120
-Horse?
-Horst, with a T.
450
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,920
-Oh.
-Cos he's...from Denmark.
451
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:53,920
And Ronan Keating got it right,
you know?
452
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:56,560
Life is just a freaking
rollercoaster, and I just...
453
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,360
I hope things are going
as beautifully for her
as they are for me.
454
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:00,400
Argh!
455
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:01,880
Oh, my God!
456
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:03,320
Um...
457
00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:05,480
- I'm sorry.
- Sweetie...
458
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:07,680
- Oh, God.
- Oh, my God!
459
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:10,120
Get the bloody car, we going to have
to take into A
460
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:12,080
She's just belted him in the eye.
461
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:14,000
I didn't mean to!
I'm sure it's not serious.
462
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:16,840
Of course it's serious, he's got
a detached retina, probably.
463
00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:19,680
Is he OK?
No, he's not OK. No, he's not OK.
464
00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:21,320
Oh, my God! Robin, get the car!
465
00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:23,560
He's going to be blind.
Let me have a look, darling.
466
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,600
Oh, my God,
he's going to be blind, or dumb.
467
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:27,480
He's going to be a gay blind dwarf!
468
00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:30,400
Oh, my God! Come on, Archie!
469
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,800
How you doing? Come on, baby.
470
00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:35,160
Oh, no.
Oh, he'll be all right.
471
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:41,080
Come on, Robin!
472
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:44,120
Right, stand there, darling.
Stand still.
473
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:47,680
Right.
Is he all right? How are you?
474
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:51,240
There we are, sweetie.
I'm not sure he needs the eye patch.
475
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:54,240
Of course he does, Robin,
it was completely flung forward.
476
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:55,720
His eye's virtually come out!
477
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:58,280
Just give him some Calpol.
What, to keep his eye in?
478
00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:00,360
All right, all right.
Step in, darling.
479
00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:02,600
There we are, carefully, carefully.
All right.
480
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:04,960
Put your seatbelt on.
Oh, just drive, Robin!
481
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:08,120
You're overreacting slightly.
482
00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:11,920
You're under-reacting enormously.
Just drive, please.
483
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:13,880
Have you there in a jiff.
484
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:22,320
--It's left.
-What?
-Oh!
485
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:36,640
♪ Hey...! ♪
486
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:46,760
Subtitles by Ericsson
487
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