Original subtitles

I'm writing today's article about my seemingly never ending quest to

find true love. Is it just me or am I the only one

who can't seem to find someone special. I beg the question...

am I the only gay man looking for more than what's behind a zipper.

Why in an ocean of beautiful men do I feel like I'm alone at sea.

...Cam? Cam?

God, really?

Oh yeah! Oh! That's the good stuff! Yeah! Harder! Oh harder. Faster.

Cameron.

Yeah! Yeah! Oh God. Yeah. Oh, that's the good stuff. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh! Oh yeah! Oh! Oh yeah! Nice.

Yeah, I may look hot and unavailable, but underneath these groomed

glistening muscles, I'm single and caring, sweet and

romantic. I'm just like you. I'm into cuddling on a Sunday morning,

reading the paper together and being the perfect boyfriend to you.

If I could only get to know you, I know I would fall for you.

Oh! Harder! Yeah! Faster, faster! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

OK, that's good! That's good! Oh, that's the good stuff!

Yeah, harder, oh...

Thanks a lot.

Sure.

Hi, Can I get a double-decaf-latte with skim milk,

extra foam and it extra hot.

What?

A double-decaf-latte with skim milk, extra foam, extra hot.

That will be Seven fifty.

Well it's usually only five fifty.

It's aggravation charge since I'm the only one working today...

pay it or leave it.

Hi, could I have what he ordered please? Or is it too much trouble?

Oh no! Not for you honey. You can have whatever you want, however you

want it, where ever you want it.

There you go. No, don't worry about it. I got it.

Thank you.

Can I help you?!

Ah yeah. This coffee is like ice cold and has grinds in it...

Sir, I have other guests here.

Ah, Excuse me. I ordered the same coffee you did. And ah, why don't

you just go ahead and take mine? I didn't even have to pay for it.

Go ahead take it. I'll get another.

Thanks

I'm sorry. Could you just make one more please?

OK

Cam?

Yeah?

Can I ask you something?

- Now? - Yeah.

Later, okay?

Am I a decent-looking guy?

Can we have this talk later?

I'm just saying... I'm not a bad looking guy right? I mean,

would you pity me if you met me in a coffee shop?

Dude...

I just want to know, I mean, why does it seem impossible for me to

meet, a man? I mean, why can I seem to meet nice guys in this town?

Just set your standards lower. OK? Most guys just wanna get laid.

You wanna marry them first.

That's not true.

'Fraid so.

You are SO wrong.

I am SO, NOT! Hey, do guys want sex or love?

We all want to fall in love. When it's right. lt just clicks.

What the hell?

Dude, you've been showering for like 20 minutes already. I couldn't

wait anymore. Besides, I think it's clean. I want to show you something.

Come on! Get your ass out of there.

Damn it Cameron!

What's your damage? Why can't I have 20 seconds of peace?

Looks like you had 20 minutes of your "piece" already.

Ha Ha, enough. Looks like you had 20 minutes of your "piece" already.

Ha Ha, enough.

Oh, Check it out. I got my new pics for my Facelook. Whatta think?

I think you need to use your own damn computer.

It ain't my fault you have a sweet- ass Mac with a webcam.

Mine is MINE and it's a tool that I use for writing.

No, you're a tool. Chillax, check it... I mean, look at that.

I gotta say, they're great pictures.

The guys at the gogo club, they're asking to buy my underwear. Yeah,

twenty dollars a pair! I can't keep up with the demand.

If you wear a few pair during your workouts you'll have more to sell.

YEAH! Hey, I can wear like six at a time. Brilliant! Really.

My brains and your looks, a dangerous combination. I've got

work to do, so if you're done exposing yourself, I'm behind in my

articles for the paper.

Oh hey, can I read your new article?

When did you learn to read?

Funny. No. Thank you!

So cute.

Writing, hiking, the beach at night.

5-9--

This is the relationship room.

Yeah.

If you're looking to hook up, not into it.

Yeah, right!

Oh, so you're a plagiarist?

You, you got to listen to this! I'm chatting online with a guy

who's a total fan of mine... he's quoting my articles.

Wow, that's fascinating.

Isn't it?

No. I was practicing my sarcasm. How am I doing?

You get better every day.

Thanks honey. Listen I can't talk right now, I'm in the elevator.

Ding, Ding, oh the doors going to close. I'm going to lose reception.

I'll have to catch you later OK?

Hello Ronnie! How goes?

Well, Bob wants to see you.

OK, I'll be there in a bit.

Well if by a bit you mean, NOW. Then fine.

Oh yeah. Sorry, phone call.

I actually got to go too.

Sure. Bye.

Hi Ronnie... I'm here.

Well, you certainly are a master of the obvious.

Ah, Blaine's here.

Send him in.

OK, go, go, go, go.

Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. Ah Kid, I need you to write some new stuff.

I thought I was doing well. I'd really hoped that this column was good.

Oh, good, good. It's great. I love it. I love it. I love you. Look at

you. What's not to love? You're clever, you're witty, you're

miserable. That's the one thing I don't get about you gays, but your

people seem to love it, so. I think it's all the sarcasm. Sarcasm is

something that I never really quite understood, but hey it sells

papers, so what the hell do I care. Well actually the papers are free,

so that really doesn't matter. Oh, what's my point? Oh my point. My

point is, I want you to take the bull by the horns and I want you to

go out there and kick some ass before I kick you out on it. Kick

some. I'm serious. Out. Get out. Get out. Get out. Seriously out.

Out. Now. And thank you.

Whoa DIE DIE DIE! Oh yeah I gotcha, you bastard!

Fucking Cameron. Damn it.

Phone's ringing.

Hey deafy, phone is ringing!

Are you going to get that?

I am late! Plus, It's not for me, I don't use that phone, I use my cell.

Yes you do... for phone sex.

I do not! Hello?

This is the LA Times. I want to offer you a free trial membership.

No. No. No. I do not want a newspaper subscription. No, I'm not

interested in the LA TIMES. OK, thank you. Goodbye.

I told you. You see. Hey Cameron it's called a hobby. OK? Hello? Great.

Oh yeah, oh yeah, come to pappa.

Being average in a world of physical perfection is

the worst kind of gay-purgatory.

Hello? Hello?

Sorry. Yes. Hello.

Hi. Are you sitting alone?

Please, Go right ahead.

Thanks.

I have a question. Am I a freak cause I'm nervous?

Would it be easier if we talked on the phone?

Hey. What's up?

Hi. I guess this is the awkward first phone call.

Yeah, this would be the one.

I don't hear my music! Mom needs a serenade.

Ah... I'm on the phone, Ernie.

Your mom's name is Ernie?

No. My mom's name is Millie, and she's in Dallas. That's Ernie,

he's my roommate. I rent a room in his house...

Wow. My bad. I didn't mean to insult...

No, no, he's great... he wouldn't hurt a fly, unless it was open.

He sounds entertaining.

Oh, you got no idea. I mean, I found this place online about six

months ago. It's got cheap rent, good meals and more entertainment

than HBO and Showtime combined.

That's hilarious. So, you're a musician?

Yeah, I, I love writing lyrics. You know and I'm really into more

older, obscure music though.

Awesome, so am I.

Yeah?

Hey, it's 2AM.

No way. Really?

Yeah. My candles just burnt out.

Candles? How sweet are you?

Now I'm embarrassed.

Good. I got no problem with that.

So. Can we talk again tomorrow night? Same time?

Yeah. I'd like that. I really enjoyed talking to you.

Yeah. Likewise. Have a good night.

Yeah you too. Wait! I didn't get your name?

Blaine.

Nice to meet you Blaine. I'm Xander.

Nice to meet you, Xander.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Bye

Who are you dialing at this miserable hour?

You!

And the reason would be?

I just assumed you'd be late, like every morning.

OH. Someone has news. Did you meet him?

Sort of.

OK, it's way to early for games. What happened?

We spoke on the phone. It was a six hour conversation, and it was

great. We've got so much in common, we're kindred souls!

So is he cute?

I don't know...

Wait a minute, you haven't stalked him on facebook yet?

Uh, of course I have... Just his profile's set to private and

I don't want to be "that guy."

But you ARE that guy... you're all "that guy."

Yeah, but he's not, and I don't want to ask "so are you hot?"...

I really don't care what he looks like. You know for me, it's about

who he is as a person that counts.

You know you belong in a mental institute. Right? ...and I say

that from a place of love.

Why do I tolerate you?

Oh, the same reason I indulge you: because no one will have us.

We're going to talk again tonight.

Wait. 8.5. No-mo or homo?

Homo.

Hmmm...No mo! You go ahead... I'll catch up.

I'm back.

Oh, good, just in time for the cocktail hour!

Tonight, Martinis, very dry, straight up and bone chilling cold.

What do you say?

I'm good. I'm going to work on my music for a bit, but thank you.

What, you don't like olives?

Don't stop playing. Oh, you're on that damn "I-telephone" thing again.

Technology will ruin you. It will drain you of your precious creative

juices. Ah, you in for dinner?

Where else could I get a better meal?

Why shucks. Talk like that could turn a fellows head. Oh! Don't

come out here. Donatella has done a poo! Where? Donatella, Where are

you? I told you about this.

Expecting company?

Sort of... kinda... Not really. Are you gonna be around tonight?

Eh, eh, working at the club.

Hi. I'm Blaine.

I'm Antonio. I read your blog. I totally want to write for "USA

TOGAY." I'm working on this sample column called "circuit news." It's

important news for circuit people in the crowd.

That's a great idea: another guide to where you can find cheap, empty,

unfulfilled, drug-induced sex.

It's exactly what I think too! But hey, do you think you could you put

a good word in for me at the paper? Maybe submit my writing sample?

However I can help...

Sweet.

Cool, Let's go.

Sweet.

Xander.

Come on in.

Hey cupcake. How about a cupcake? Come on. You got to taste this

icing. It's like angels dancing on your tongue. What do you say?

I'm not that hungry, but thank you very much.

Are you kidding me? I spent all day baking these little delicacies

to amuse a palette that has never known perfection and this is the

thanks I get. Tossed out like an old shoe. Alright, no, fine, fine.

Oh please. Donatella? You're having cupcakes tonight darling.

I will love one later on.

Well, maybe.

Maybe

If there's one left.

Hey what's up?

Oh, nothing, I'm just a little nervous. That's all.

Nervous? Really? Tell mama. Tell mama all. Huh?

I met this nice guy online and he seems a bit too good to be true.

Oh? So is he cute?

He's cute.

Well, I'm very happy for you. I knew it was just a matter of time

before you walked out and left me alone here living my dreary life.

You know, looks fading, withering away on the vine... every day, a step

closer to the grave.

You should be out there dating. You should.

Are you kidding me?

There is a cowboy waiting for you to ride into the sunset somewhere.

No, I'm telling you, mine is a story that is just too sad to be

told. Really. Love. Broken heart. A living cliché. One dark and stormy

night I'll tell you all about it. No. No, I'm not, I'm not ready to

go to the bars or go online. I'm not doing any of that. I'm waiting

for a sign. You know like Jennifer Jones in “Song of Bernadette...

Oh, Oh Donatella did a poo! Donatella? You're a naughty girl.

I'm so sorry. Donatella.

Hey. I'm on the phone here.

Why are you using this phone?

It's me. I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone here.

Look we don't use this phone. OK? Use your cell!

Look, my phone is dead, I'll be off in ten minutes.

I need the phone. OK? Now.

I thought we "don't use this phone". You can't have it now. Hang up.

Cameron, please...

So your name is Cameron.

Damn you, Blaine!

And your roommate's name is Blaine!

Shut up! Forget it. Bye! Fuck. I'm going to kill you.

Blaine?

Hey Xander, how are you?

I'm good. How are you?

Good. I could use a little music though.

Always can use a tune. You want to hear one?

Are you kidding? I'm practically begging.

OK.

Still working on the lyrics, but trying to get something down.

Xander?

...and I had a Yamaha guitar.

I got some apple dumplings out here. Come on out.

I'm kinda busy in here.

Phone sex? Better wear a condom. You can never be too safe!

Okay. I think I'll die now.

Did I just hear what I thought I heard?

I hope not. What do you think you heard?

Apparently he thinks we are getting off on the phone.

Have you ever done that?

No. You?

Honestly? Yeah.

Yeah. Me too. It's kinda hot sometimes.

Yeah, it is, but ah, but it would be hotter with you.

You think so?

Yeah, I mean, I'm already hard.

Really? Me too.

Yeah, I'm serious you know.

Me too. Just thinking of you lying there is driving me crazy.

I'm thinking about you over at your place too.

Xander?

Hang on. What's up?

We all know the answer to that question.

OK, let me rephrase it - What can I help you with?

Oh, just tell the hottie that if he's tired of youth, that

experience is just down the hall and past the credenza.

OK, Will do.

What's going on there?

It's Ernie. He's making indecent proposals. I guess I shouldn't

have shown him your profile.

Oh. I need to update my picture.

Oh no, the one you have up is real cute.

Thanks.

I'm going to go ahead and send you my picture. It used to be up

online, but every time I logged on guys kept wanting to chat,

so I took it down.

Yeah. uh, I hate it when that happens.

Yeah well, you should have it soon.

Oh my god! -Thank you Jesus! Nice picture. You're cute.

Shucks. You're going to make me blush.

You go to the "healthy bean" coffee shop. Don't you?

Hey, I love that place. You're not a stalker are you?

No! No. No. No. I mean. I'm cool. I just saw you there. I noticed

you once. I mean, I'm not a crazy person. Promise!

I'm just fooling with you. You go there?

Yeah. I write there.

OK, maybe it's time to meet up? Drop by tomorrow around 3PM.

That work for you?

Great. Yeah. Let's do it.

I'm looking forward to it.

Yeah. Me too.

Hey Blaine...

Yeah?

Have a good night.

You too.

Who is this and what do you want? Who are you?

Cameron! God Damn it! Christ.

Come on. Come on.

Sorry about that.

Pick up. Pick up.

Hey, obviously I can't get to the phone right now, so at the beep you

know what to do.

Hey... I guess you're sleeping. You're not going to believe this.

Actually... You probably will.

He's coming to meet me at the coffee shop today.

Excellent. And he thinks you're Cameron.

Come with me.

You want me to come with you? I would love to see this train-wreck in person

because it's so much better than reality tv. Take my advice on this.

Do this alone.

I will. You know I always take your advice.

No man. Absolutely not. No way!

Cameron. Look, what will it take? What do you want from me to do

this? Name your price. I know you can be bought, so let me buy you.

Fuck you. I'm an actor. I don't pretend to be someone else for money!

Fine, but I need your help... and if you think about it, this is

really all your fault.

I'm not going there, so don't even start with that shit. OK? You're

the one that was fucking stupid enough not to use your own account.

I thought it was my account! Who told you to use my computer?

I'll assume partial responsibility, but you're still an idiot.

Please Cam. Hook a buddy up.

Why didn't you just call him and explain to him what happened.

I didn't know what to say.

No, cause you're a coward and that's why.

Okay, fine! Look, I was afraid after he saw your picture and

thought I looked liked you -he wouldn't be interested in me.

What? You're ridiculous. You're a cute guy... Blaine, you're hot. Why

would you ever think that?

Let's see, the fact that I haven't had one guy so much as look at me

in the last six months may have something to do with it.

I will say this, if he knew how nuts you were, he wouldn't date in the last six months may have something to do with it.

I will say this, if he knew how nuts you were, he wouldn't date

you. --Maybe it is better off he thinks he's dating me.

He thinks he's dating me. He just believes I look like you. And trust

me, if Xander knew you, he wouldn't date you.

Oh you think so? Dude, I can have any guy I want. OK? And guess

what? He's hot for me.

- Really? - Yeah.

You think Xander would pick your looks over our soul connection?

Hell yeah.

I don't think so.

I smell a challenge.

This is so beneath me. I'm not pitting my brain against your brawn.

Blaine's brain vs Cameron's brawn. Round one. Ding ding, round one.

- Well. - Hey.

You're even hotter in person.

Yeah. You are too. How are you doing? Hi. I'm Xander.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too. Although, you probably don't remember it.

Double-decaf-latte with skim milk, extra foam ...extra hot

Did Blaine bring you here for extra support? You were a little nervous

on the phone last night. You can admit it. -It was real cute.

Please, I've yet to meet a guy who gives me butterflies in my stomach.

I need something... since this place doesn't serve whisky,

does anyone need a coffee?

- I'll go. - No.. I want to go.

OK, then, I guess I'll just stay. I don't need anything.

Yeah, me neither.

I guess I'll be right back then.

So, we finally meet in person.

Finally. I hear you're really a great guy.

Oh who'd you hear that from?

I mean, from talking on the phone. I can tell you're not like the

other guys around here.

Well, I admit, I don't get big city guys. The way they operate here in

California... I don't get it.

There's really not much to get. We all want the same thing... don't we?

Sometimes I wonder.

So, you're from Texas?

Yes sir. Don't you remember? You said you had a thing for Texas

guys: the boots, and the cowboy hat and Wranglers?

That's right. That's right I do.

- Yeah - Yeah

Hey beautiful, how you've been?

Hi! Wait, Drew right?

You remember? I'm impressed.

I'm Xander.

You're hot.

So are you still dancing at the club?

I'm going to be there. You gonna stop in?

Could I get a private dance?

For you? No.

I'll still come by.

Whatever.

See you later.

So, you're a dancer?

Yeah. Yea, I dance at this club in Hollywood. It's a go-go bar.

Oh, you didn't mention it cause you were afraid I wouldn't approve?

Yeah, Sort of. gotta to pay the bills somehow, right?

Well I can understand why you didn't mention it at first. I can

come across as a bit of a goodie- goodie. But I'm wilder than I let on.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, I'm a cowboy at heart.

Listen, I should get going. Yeah, I mean, you should totally hang out

here and talk to my roommate. He's a really awesome guy and when you

get know him, you will love him.

Yeah, he's adorable - but you know I should be going too. I should

Well, you sure you just can't hang out a bit? Blaine... Cameron will

be right back.

No. You know, let me split, but if you don't mind I'd like to come by

the club tonight and say "hi."

Uh. No. That would be good.

Great. Well it was wonderful meeting you and I'll look forward

to seeing you tonight.

Alright. it was nice to meet you finally.

- Yeah, you too. You too. - Have a great day.

What the hell dude?

Where did he go?

He had to leave. I tried to keep him here for you... but you had the

fucking great idea to leave us and go get a coffee. I mean really,

what the hell is wrong with you?

I just needed a coffee...

No. I think what you need is a frontal lobotomy.

I left you alone for 2 minutes... you couldn't entertain him for 2

minutes while I got a coffee and came up with a game plan?

Relax, he's going to come to the bar tonight to watch me dance.

What just happened here? The guy I like now thinks I'm a stripper in a

sleazy Hollywood go-go bar?

Dude, This is all you. OK? You brought me here, you made this

happen. He's coming to the bar tonight, so I suggest you get your

little ass there and straighten out this whole cluster-fuck.

Damn it.

Ronnie, has Blaine turned in anything in today?

Ah, no.

His stuff has been lousy lately. Look, do me a favor, as soon as he

drops off his next installment, you get it in here to me as quick as a

bunny, ASAP, Pronto, lickety-split.

Cameron called me and told me you were up here. What's wrong?

I'm an idiot. I just don't know what to do anymore. I really like

this guy and I screwed it up.

Well, can't argue with you there, but you know there's always time to

remedy the situation. When are you going to see him again?

He's going to see Cameron tonight.

At the bar? Well then that's perfect.

You can't possibly think that this guy, if he's as great as you say he

is, is going to be impressed by watching Cameron shake his ass on a

bar for money. While Cameron is dancing, you be there, and engage

him in some of scintillating conversation and then tell him the

truth. And If he's not like the other guys, you should be able to

set things right. Besides, honey, he was yours to begin with.

You do have a point.

Yes I do, and if I were you, I'd go home, tighten the package and take

it out to the racetrack tonight.

Huh?

Go get your future husband back!

Good to see you. Come to claim your prize?

Round two, my friend. While you're up there shaking your ass, I'm

going to get my man back.

May the bigger man win.

Hey Cameron, Good to see you again.

Nice to see you Xander.

Good to see you.

I Love your outfit!

So, what do you think of Blaine?

Oh, he's great. You know, it's nice to meet a city guy who is for real.

You know, you're a nice guy. You come out to places like this a lot?

No. Not my scene. I'm not really into clubs, go-go boys or the whole

bit. I'm more of a dinner, movie guy.

Yeah. On my folk's ranch we'd like to do things like watch movies,

tell stories, play music. That's what I like to do.

Sounds sweet. I'd take a night at home on the couch, with someone

special by my side and warm fire over this scene any day.

Amen. You know, I could use some good friends in town. We should

hang out some time. Not here though. I've gotten my ass grabbed

about a dozen times so far.

I got to pee. I got to go.

You've got to go. OK, good talking to you!

Calm down. You can do this. Alright. Pull it together. OK.

Where's Xander?

Don't know.

God Damn it! He left? I'll just see you at home.

Hey, buddy, what are you doing? Looking for change up his ass?

SHHHH! No singing, especially country.

I thought you liked cowboys.

Oh yeah, I like cowboys. I can do without the music.

That's not nice.

Come here, this way.

Wow, you got a lot of DVD's.

Get that cute butt on that couch right there.

You are going to get yourself laid with talk like that.

Finally, I get to spend some quality time with you.

What are you talking about? We've been hanging out at the bar for the

last few hours.

Sitting at the side of the bar, drinking and watching other men put

money down your g-string? That's not quality time for me.

For you it ain't.

Hey, you made some money.

Yeah, Let me see... give me that. Let me see if my roommate is here.

You like campy horror flicks?

Ah, yes I do.

Yeah.

I'm actually also in them.

- No! - Yeah.

Get out.

I play the camp counselor in that one. I rub one out in that one.

So, you're an actor, and you're a writer, and you're a go-go dancer.

Ah, Yep

You're like, everything.

It's a gift.

YEP

Let me see, if Cameron's, I really want him to hang outwith us.

No I, I don't do threesomes. I need you with me only.

OK

Yeah, you got a cowboy drunk. And that is dangerous. You know why?

Why?

Cause you're going to end up hog- tied.

Role-play? Oh yeah!

Yeah, come on. Don't you-

Whoa, whoa, whoa cowboy!

What? I thought, I thought you liked me?

I do, but-

You said that... we had f..

Are you okay?

Where's the bathroom real quick.

OK, do not puke on the leather.

I'm not going to puke.

Alright, come on.

- I'm not even drunk. - Sure.

I just have to go tinkle.

That's what it seems like. Alright focus, focus on me. You got it.

Shhh... Yep, yep, OK, get in there. Get in there. Oh yeah, Good, good,

good... Ohhl, keep it down. Take it easy.

Let me hold your head, I know, I know, Shhhh.

That's it, man. You'll be okay. Good, good. You're good. Let me

hold your head for you. It's wet. Yeah, that's it. Just, just relax;

OK? You'll be fine. You'll be fine. OK? Shhhh, that's it man. That's

it. You'll be OK. You can do it. You are awesome

Whow, whow, whow, Oh yeah. That's it. Let me hold your head for you.

Pull it back. Alright, hold on, hold on. OK,

relax relax. You'll be fine. That's it, That's it. Again?!

Again, again, OK, ready? Alright, hold on, hold on. OK,

Again, again, OK, ready?

Hey, I apologize for last night. I was making a lot of noise and we

probably kept you up for the night. And ah, and you're going for a hike

looks like.

Yeah. I just love the smell of dog-shit in the morning.

Well then you need to meet my roommate Ernie. He's a, he's got

this dog and she just- Um, it's good to see you.

Yeah, it's um...

I'm going to be late.

I got to go.

Yeah OK.

Morning.

Morning.

I would kiss you, if I had... I haven't brushed my teeth yet.

No problem. I felt bad you ended up sleeping on the bathroom floor.

My fault. I thought I could keep up. And truth be told I am a lightweight.

I thought I could handle it and I couldn't. I hope I wasn't too

embarrassing.

No, you were totally cool.

OK, good.

Yeah.

Yeah, I, thank you for a nice night last night though. Um, I don't

remember most of it, but ah... Okay, alright. Have a good day.

- Sorry. - No worries.

Oh honey, come here.

Ah, do I hear the walk-of-shame.

Ohhh! Green complexion, bloodshot eyes, rumbled shirt. Well I think

someone had a good time, huh?

Well, I drank too much and didn't want to drive home.

Aw, what a good boy.

More like stupid boy. We drank, then we went back to his

place where I puked and passed out.

Ah, the good old days. Why don't you sit and I'll make some tea and toast?

Well, I guess you were right, again. I really screwed things up.

And for someone who dispenses opinions for a living, the opinion

I have of myself is that I suck.

Look at what you've created. Work wise, you hide behind a pen name.

You date anonymously via the Internet. You won't even go into a

gay bar by yourself. Have you ever initiated a conversation

with a someone in person? Have you EVER gone up to someone and said,

"Hi, can I buy you a drink?" I mean, really. Is it just me or do

you see a problem here?

Maybe I'm afraid of putting it out there just in case no one wants it.

Why would you ever think that you weren't good enough?

Well, maybe it's because no one seems especially interested. No,

Let's face it. Alright, no one ever makes an effort; no one ever

attempts to pick me up. And it's safe to assume no one cares.

I'm nervous. I was a drunken fool last night Ernie. I really care

about him and I don't know how he feels about me.

That's just adorable. You're just an old-fashioned "gay", aren't you?

We don't get many of those around here I tell ya.

I don't know, I'm afraid I messed it up. It's awful feeling like this.

Well, fear is certainly part of it. I'm less afraid of putting my money

in the stock market than I am putting my heart on the line.

Have you ever given anyone a chance to get to know you?

I tried. I told my family who I really was - well, you know what? I

opened myself up and I got shot down... by my own parents. So, how

do you think it's going to work out with some guy I just met, if even

my own family shits on me.

Honey, You can't judge the world based on your family. Your

parents are simple, ignorant, people. They love you; they just

can't accept you. There's a difference.

I'm not going there.

Alright, fine. But don't turn it off. Don't shut the world out.

Sweetheart, you deserve to be loved; you are a great catch. Trust

me. And not everyone is going to hurt you. I promise.

He's smart and insecure. You know and when we're talking on the

phone, there's nothing I want to do more than to just crawl through

that phone line, and curl up next to him, put my head on his chest

and fall asleep listening to his heart beat. And when he writes,

it's like he's writing just to me. Funny thing is, is when I'm with

him, it's like he's a completely different person.

Oh, writers. Did I ever tell you that I once had a layover in

Tennessee? And by Tennessee, I mean Williams. Oh I can't go into it.

Decency forbids. Listen, writers- when they're alone, they're

prophetic; when they're with people, they're pathetic. They're

just too in their heads.

So what's the first thing you're going to do?

Kill Cameron.

OK, it was you who brought a wolf into a hen house and asked him not

to eat. What did you think was going to happen?

I didn't expect this.

Cameron is your roommate. He is not your friend. Why do you keep

confusing the two?

He's a gay man and we have a code of ethics you know.

Oh you do? Since when?

I guess you're right. Maybe we don't. But you know, I do. OK?

Some of us do, I thought he did.

You gave Cameron the challenge and he took it. As far as Xander is

concerned, he didn't do anything wrong. He slept with you, well I

mean Blaine, and you can't blame him for that.

Nope I can't. But I can't be happy about it. Christ, I just hope I

wasn't any good!

Alright, my advice - cause I've got to go to work -is this. Before

you do anything, talk to Cameron first. Call Xander after you've

straighten things outwith your roommate. Your head will be much

clearer once you've got all the facts about what happened last

night. And don't do anything rash.

Crunchy Berries rock.

What? Yeah they do.

If I had a band, it's totally what I name it, Crunchy Berries.

That would be cool.

Anyway, let's get going we're late for the good waves, alright?

Oh ah... do you think you can talk to Blaine about submitting my writing

sample to his boss at USATOGAY?

Sure. Yeah, he owes me big-time. See that envelope on the desk over

there? Stick it in there.

Sweet.

Oh man.

Hey Bob.

It's me Bob. Where's my stuff? What? No article this week?

I'm sorry the column is late. I've been having a tough time.

No, no, no, you're slipping kid. This is not good, not pleasing at

all, no, no, you're not floating my boat.

I got the article. It's right there. I'll get it to you today.

Look, this is your last chance Kid. I want that article and I want it

to be good or sayonara sweet-heart. Get it? Got it? Good!

Cameron? Cameron?

Cameron? Cameron, you're not here are you?

Nothing rash, huh?

- Hey. - Hey, come in.

Hi. ls Blaine here?

Not at the moment.

OK, I just wanted to drop this off for him.

Oh, No problem. Did you have a good time last night?

It was all right. It's kind of a thank you for taking care of me.

I'm sure he did.

Well, if you can give this to him, I'd really appreciate it.

Sure. He'll get it. A CD? Music you wrote?

No. I haven't written a song for a boy yet. It's this band out of

Boston I like, "The UltraSonics." It's nothing major.

Did you say "The Ultrasonics"?

Yeah. I thought Blaine would like it.

L, I, I love them!

Do you really? You do too? You heard of them?

I've been searching for them!

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Well, we should listen to it then.

What about the wrapping?

Oh, we can re-wrap it.

OK, OK, good.

Alright, let's go listen to it.

I love that logo there.

Yeah, it's a little 70's theme.

Yeah. It's like Zeus.

Yeah.

I like the pina colada.

I am starving? Are you hungry? I haven't eaten anything since my

roommate Ernie made me toast and tea this morning.

I'm starving too. I haven't eaten since my Toaster-tart orgy at

breakfast.

Have you had the blueberry frosted? I love those.

Come here. Come here.

Alright.

Oh, my God, you are a Toaster-tart whore.

I know. So, where do you want to eat? You like "Hot & Spicy"?

Oh, I love it!

I got the perfect place.

OK.

Do you mind if I make a quick stop? I gotta drop this off for Blaine.

Is that his article? Would you mind if I read it? I love his stuff.

Ah, he usually doesn't like it if people read his stuff before it's

out. He doesn't even let me read it. We better not.

I can respect that. It's just ah... I love his column and I think it's

been really good lately. So...

Really? You think it's been good lately?

Yeah.

Well, I mean I heard it sucked.

No. He's just got more heart, he's got more passion in the writing.

I think he's evolving as a writer.

You think so?

What do I know? I'm just some hick from Texas. I don't know...

I'd say you know a lot.

You want to eat?

Yeah, let's go.

Let's do it.

Hey Ronnie. What's up?

Ah, my cholesterol. What do you want?

Just dropping this off... You're looking good today.

Drop dead.

We probably should go back and see if Blaine's home yet. I like to

catch him before he gets into work.

You really like him, don't you?

He's great. Yeah, I mean, he's probably the first guy that I met

out here that I felt I could trust. Hey, you're the second.

Trust is important?

Truth is all we got. You know what it's like, guys out here. They'll

lie all the time, They'll tell you one thing, but they really want

something else. You guys are the first guys that I felt I could

connect with.

You deserve better than us. Definitely better than Blaine.

Nah, he pretends to be strong and in control, but I can tell. Behind

those bitter words and sarcasm, he's a real catch. A romantic

afraid of being loved. Besides, he's an artist, and the right guy

is going to be his muse.

You all right?

Allergies. The Ragweed up here is just killing me.

So you want to go?

Let's go. Alright.

Pick something. Anything you want. I'll put it on.

Uh, uh, you got Luke Andes?

I got him? I love him!

Oh man, why don't you put him on.

OK. I didn't know you were such a big fan.

Yeah, I like Carolina.

It's beautiful.

What about this one?

Yeah, that's a good one.

So who's... Who's DVD collection?

It's mine. Quick. Top ten desert island films.

"Wonderful life."

Obvious. OK, "Beautiful Thing."

That's a good one. That's a good one. How about "Hello Dolly"?

You've seen it right? Come on Streisand. She's classic.

It's a trap, right? No, no, no, no, no, no, Xander. No

Barbra, Judy, Faye, Liza.

Give me your damn gay membership card. Consider it confiscated!

No, no! Look, I swear to you I deserve my card!

I don't think so mister.

OK, hold on.

Oh

sorry

No, it's, it's alright.

It's in the back.

No you don't.

OK.

Oh man, where in the world did you get The Divine Miss "M"! You are a

little closet Bette Midler fan! Huh?A little bit? You're an old

fashion gay. Ernie would be proud. Favorite song?

The Rose. Kills me every time.

Hmm, you're a hopeless Romantic, aye?

Yeah.

Well, we will let it slide and you can keep your card.

Thank you very much.

Yep. Speaking of Ernie. Thanks to him, I'm an official lifetime

member, no dues, unlimited benefits!

Ernie sounds like a real character.

He's a Hoot. You got to meet him. You got to. He just ah... he's so

nice to me. I'm very appreciative. I just wish I could get him out

there dating again. He's afraid... that he's, you know, get his heart

broken again.

Maybe he just needs something to inspire him.

You know, something that says it's OK for him to open up again.

Yeah. Oh, OK.

Hey, Cameron, Xander. S'up?

I had come by, to say thank you for taking care of me last night.

Oh, it's cool. Listen, I'm really running late.

So, I got a few things, I got to get to the club.

Well, I brought you a gift.

- Oh. Really? - Yeah.

Cool, thanks. Look, let me grab my stuff and we'll walk to the car?

Sure. Of course.

Bye Xander.

Ah, gotcha you this. Taa-daa

Cool. Thanks. "The UltraSonics". Never heard of 'em, but if you

picked them out I'm sure it's cool.

Yeah.

Listen, I don't mean to be rude, but I really got to go.

No, it's fine. Would you mind if I grab one of your DVDs before I go?

No. Not at all. Take what ever you want. Hold on one second.

No worries.

LA TIMES. No thanks. We're not interested. Bye.

Sorry about that.

No worries. Look, I know you're in a rush. lt's just ah... I feel this

is getting weird for you and I don't want to make you

uncomfortable about anything. I wasn't even myself last night.

Dude, dude, relax. OK, It's cool. It's fine. You're a nice guy,

alright. We'll work all this out later.

Walk you to your car?

Alright, let's go.

Hi Bob.

Blaine-y, boy. Got the stuff. Let me put it this way kid. Circuit

News! Great. I love it. It's vapid, it's easy, it's simple to

read. Sex, drugs, rock music and a little boy on boy action put in

there between. Kid, I think we got ourselves a winner. The stuff is

great. You did it kid. I'm proud of you. I'm glad you stopped writing

that other crap. Kid you hit the nail on the head, so you don't have

to hit the road Jack. Jack? Ronnie, I told you to get me Blaine on the

phone. I'm talking to some guy named Jack.

ISN'T THERE ANYONE ELSE IN LA WHO YOU CAN TORTURE ABOUT A NEWSPAPER

SUBSCRIPTION? LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M NOT INTERESTED IN THE LA TIMES.

Oh my God, Brian, Brian, Beer now. Cold beer now.

- Are you alright? - No.

- What's going on? - Oh, it's burning!

- Fire crotch? - What?

- You got fire crotch! - Gonorrhea?!

Are you telling me that I've got Gonorrhea?

- Dude, I have some penicillin. - Oh my God!

Just stay right there. Blow on it! Blow on it!

No, you blow on it.

Well... Well, this is Blaine's movie. He's the star.

Fabulous! Go-go, writer, actor. Oh yeah, that is a triple threat. Say,

speaking of actors, did I ever tell ya, that I once got it on, with

someone who got it on, with someone who got it on, with James Dean?

Three degrees of separation. Pretty good,huh?

Yeah. Ah, Blaine plays the camp counselor.

Nothing campier than a camp counselor. Why don't you get us some popcorn!

- Here you go. - Thanks.

Oh, it's a dark and stormy night.

You know where Cameron is?

- What? - Cameron?

Oh, he's in the back.

Thanks

Hi. On a break?

Ah, sort of.

You're Cameron's roommate right? How's the quest for true love?

Hey, Give us a few minutes will ya?

You okay?

Been better. Bad day. Lost my job, in fact, to your boyfriend

Listen. Cam. I've decided I'm not

upset with you anymore. I would've slept with him too.

Xander? Who slept with him? Do you think we boned?

Listen Cam, I know you two hooked up. Look, I'm a big-boy, OK? I

know the drill. You won. I'll cope.

Dude, we did nothing. I brought him back to the house to hang out

with you, so we could resolve this whole thing. Besides, he got drunk

and passed out. I didn't touch him other than to clean up his barf.

Right. Really?

Yes. I wouldn't dis you like that. And what about our code of ethics?

I'm so sorry about this whole thing. Really, it's ridiculous.

You know this guys into you, right? So, Blaine you what? You need to

come clean or ditch him altogether but you can't keep playing this

game with him.

So you guys did nothing last night? He was drunk and you didn't even

touch him?

I didn't lay a finger on him. Or anything else for that matter.

As for tonight, I said goodbye at the car and nothing more.

I really don't know what to say. I'm sorry I doubted you. Was very

un-cool of me. I'll take care of this and settle this. And you're

right. We need to talk to Xander and...

No, no, no Blaine. There is no "us" or "we". This is your deal.

I'm not going through with it. Your guy. Your lie. You clean it

up. I ain't gonna help you. Besides, I've got my own

relationship to deal with now. Come on I'll buy you a beer.

OK

Hey you know anything about gonorrhea? My balls are on fire.

It's probably nothing. Just put a little "Johnson and Johnson" on

your Johnson.

Did you miss the fact that this was a horror film and they all got

slaughtered by a homicidal maniac?

Oh, I don't know. It's just the irony of it, you know. Don't you

see that? It's the tragic end to youth and beauty that's caused by

the ugliness and bitterness of an empty heart. I think it's a God-

damn masterpiece!

Well, now that you mention it...

Yeah, it's like Sweeney Todd without the music or Angela.

Oh Wait! Don't stop it. We've got to watch his credit!

Alright. You know Blaine was really very convincing when they threw him

into the meat grinder. Remember? And they turned him into sausages.

Although, I did get lost at that point. Why were they making

sausages?

That's so strange. It says the camp counselor is played by

"Cameron?"

What happened to Blaine? What's going on here? Oh well,

actors. They lie all the time, you know. They lie about their names.

They lie about their age. They lie about their height. They even lie

when they say they're going to call you back and they never do.

Did I ever tell you about Rock Hudson? Hey, hey! Oh dear.

Hey! I'm glad you're here. I want to talk to you.

I want to talk to you too.

You want to sit down?

No, I'm good.

Everything okay?

I have a question for you. Just one, and if you could be honest

that would be great.

Sure.

Why aren't you in this?

Because I have some semblance of self respect?

Wait, I... It's no time for being witty.

I know. Look, I'm Blaine. Not Cameron. I am so sorry. I should

have told you at the start, but things got so confusing so fast.

When we chatted that first time, Cameron was logged on. It was an

accident. It wasn't my account, you thought I was Cameron and I didn't

realize until after we'd hung up. You know. I know it got weird and I

was I was afraid, you wouldn't like... I was afraid I wasn't good

enough for you.

How? How could you do this to me? After all... Ya know --Don't even

answer that question. I don't want to know. It doesn't matter. It

doesn't matter anymore. Thank you for finally telling me the truth.

I appreciate that.

Wait Xander...

Let go!

Hey.

Just give me a minute okay? Blaine lied to me.

He made me think he was his roommate.

I'm so sorry sweetheart.

I really cared about him, you know. He was lying the whole time.

It wasn't him at all.

I lost him. I told him the truth and he's gone.

Oh honey, Well, I can't say I didn't see this leaving you

emotionally devastated. You OK?

I don't know.

Did you learn your lesson?

Yeah...

Good. Now go out, have a drink, get laid and start all over again.

OK.

Come on, scoot over. Men. Can't live with them.

Can't shoot and bury them under the Azalea bush.

I don't know what to do. I've got no idea what to do.

Well, I think it is now that dark and stormy night. See this?

Construction worker from the Village People?

No, no it's not. It's a good call though. No.

It's you?

Oh I wish. No. His name was Marshall. Well, you know, maybe we

did look alike. I guess everyone looked alike back then. Marshall

was perfect in every way, but one.

Which was what?

Well, it doesn't matter, because no one is perfect. See, we weren't

satisfied with each other. So, figured there were thousands of men

out there and just didn't try to make it work. Let each other go.

So I went out looking and I found a lot of men. Never found perfection

cause it doesn't exist and along the way I lost Marshall. Oh I know it all

sounds very Joan Crawford.

So what do you think I should do?

Don't do what you THINK you should do, do what you KNOW you should do.

Just don't wait, because you can't.

Thanks. Thanks.

ID? Go ahead.

What can I get ya?

Can I get a shot of Vodka please. Thanks.

Can I have another?

Hey sweetie. What's your sign?

Exit.

Exit?

Hi this message is for Blaine, I'm sorry to call so late, but I'm glad

I got your machine. I apologize on behalf of our subscription

department, but I'm calling to offer you a job. My name is John

Lee and I'd like to discuss hiring you as one of our syndicated

writers. I've been following your articles at "USA TOGAY" and I've

become a big fan. If you're interested in working for us,

please give me a call. My number is 323-555-1644. And just as an

incentive to work here at the Times I'm including a free subscription

to the paper-That's a joke. Hope to hear from you soon. Bye bye.

Fucking LA Times.

End of messages.

You could have told me from the start

Before I gave you my heart

Now the only thing I wanna do is

Hold you

Forever and beyond is too far to see

But I'll be here for you if you'll be here for me

I'll be here for you if you'll be here for me

That's the first song I've ever written for a boy. I hope you

liked it. Well say something. I'm feeling

silly standing here in my boots and hat. I know you like cowboys, so I

thought I put it on, you'd like it... Yeah?

Yeah.

I hope you didn't erase that message on your machine.

I'll tell you over breakfast.

Dear Readers. I'm no longer the writer known as the "invisible man"

- My name is Blaine Watson and I am the newest syndicated columnist for

the LA TIMES. I'd like to start my first article by telling you a bit

about myself. I was someone who only saw the glass half empty, and

when the sun rose thought "it'll only get dark again in 12 hours." I

saw obstacles, not possibilities. But now, I've learned my lesson and

speak to those readers who somehow, at some time, stopped believing

they could love. Those who feel cut off and resolved to give up. It is

for you I share the verses of "The Rose."

Oh God, don't go there...

When the nights have been too lonely and the road has been too

long and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong,

just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow. Lies the

seed that with the sun's love, in the spring, becomes the rose.

Alright, move over Munchkin. Ernie is going dancing tonight.