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NELSON:
Haw-haw!
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00:00:07,308 --> 00:00:08,608
D'oh!
3
00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:10,009
(tires screeching)
4
00:00:10,011 --> 00:00:11,511
(grunts)
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00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,582
(gentle lullaby version of
"The Simpsons Theme" playing)
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00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:31,456
(sucking)
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00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:34,365
(humming)
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00:00:35,236 --> 00:00:38,296
(humming)
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00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:42,143
(humming)
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00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:45,307
(humming)
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(screaming)
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00:00:51,519 --> 00:00:53,589
♪ ♪
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00:00:58,359 --> 00:00:59,929
NARRATOR:
It was the biggest scandal
14
00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:03,027
in the history ofSpringfield sports.
15
00:01:03,030 --> 00:01:06,500
Never has someone fallen fromsuch heights to such lows,
16
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:09,500
except maybe for thattightrope walker who sneezed.
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00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:10,673
That was terrible.
18
00:01:12,339 --> 00:01:15,369
This situation is
a disgusting mockery
19
00:01:15,376 --> 00:01:19,006
of a repulsive joke that would
make me sick to my stomach
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00:01:19,013 --> 00:01:20,213
if there was there was
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00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:21,684
one good restaurant
in this town,
22
00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:23,182
which there is not!
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00:01:23,184 --> 00:01:26,024
(stammers)
There is nothing to vomit.
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00:01:26,020 --> 00:01:29,020
NARRATOR: And all becauseof one young man.
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00:01:29,023 --> 00:01:31,523
Okay, so I shaved points
in basketball.
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00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:33,855
Just don't make
a big production of it.
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00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:36,561
NARRATOR:
This is 22 for 30.
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00:01:36,564 --> 00:01:38,634
(dramatic orchestral music)
29
00:01:46,574 --> 00:01:48,544
My son is a handful.
30
00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:50,312
Can you say that on TV?
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00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:53,451
No one ever thought he'd work
for gamblers with the mob.
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00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:56,117
I always thought he'd work for
gamblers with the mob.
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00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:57,977
In the morning,
we saw the horrors
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00:01:57,985 --> 00:02:00,245
of the beaches at Iwo Jima.
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00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:02,124
DIRECTOR: This is
a sports documentary.
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00:02:02,123 --> 00:02:03,593
I'm getting there!
37
00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:05,461
In my unit, they called me
"Quarterback."
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00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,459
Because when I borrowed
a quarter, I never gave it back.
39
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:13,472
At the end of the war,
I had a buck 75, and no friends.
40
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,467
(distorted): I remember it
like it was yesterday.
41
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,399
Or maybe the day before that.
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00:02:17,404 --> 00:02:19,404
It all started with a prank.
43
00:02:19,406 --> 00:02:21,766
Bart had no idea
where it would lead.
44
00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:24,175
This voice is scaring me.
45
00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:25,678
I need Puppy Goo-Goo!
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00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:29,448
(normal voice):
Safety kiss!
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00:02:29,450 --> 00:02:31,480
I think I'll be okay.
48
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,515
(distorted):
I love you.
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00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:34,951
(distorted scream)
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00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:37,415
Yeah, so here was
the quote, unquote "prank."
51
00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:40,994
Bart sent out a memo tellingeveryone to wear white
52
00:02:40,995 --> 00:02:44,425
for some nonsense calledPolar Bear Remembrance Day.
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00:02:44,431 --> 00:02:46,131
(chuckles) Yes.
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Then the little dickenssent Skin-ner
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00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:51,142
a different memotelling him to wear
56
00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:55,138
a floral shirt in honor ofKing Kamehameha's birthday.
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00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:57,682
(stammers)Had it ended there, fine.
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00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,548
Pleasant conclusionto a busy week.
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00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:01,677
But it didn't end there.
60
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,482
Now don't worry,
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00:03:03,484 --> 00:03:06,524
all the bees want
are flowers.
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00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:09,515
(bees buzzing)
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00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,163
Willie, kill the bees!
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00:03:11,158 --> 00:03:13,658
Not till I hear
their side of it.
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00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:17,531
NARRATOR: Bart received thelongest detention in history.
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00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:20,531
Bored, he beganto shoot baskets,
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00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:23,844
a talent that would irrevocablymake his life better.
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00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:25,897
Then worse, then better,then the same.
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00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:28,336
♪ Wish I had a rabbit
in a hat with a bat ♪
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00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:29,812
♪ And a '64 Impala ♪
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00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,480
♪ I wish I was, like,
six-foot-nine ♪
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00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:34,308
♪ So I can get with Leoshi,
'cause she don't know me ♪
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00:03:34,315 --> 00:03:35,645
♪ But, yo, she's really fine ♪
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00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:37,319
♪ You know I see her
all the time ♪
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00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:38,678
♪ Everywhere I go,
and even in my dreams ♪
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00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:40,346
♪ I can scheme up ways
to make her mine ♪
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00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:41,854
♪ 'Cause I know
she's livin' phat ♪
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00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:43,555
♪ Her boyfriend's tall
and he plays ball ♪
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00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,417
♪ So how am I gonna
compete with that? ♪
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00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:48,186
A troubled young man
who was good at basketball.
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00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:49,695
I'd never heard of such a thing.
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00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:51,057
Of course, his detention
was commuted,
83
00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:53,065
and he was made
a starter on the team.
84
00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:57,095
That's my son! My son!
85
00:03:57,104 --> 00:03:58,944
Which is, of course,
another version of me!
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00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:00,913
(crowd cheering)
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00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:03,678
Him! Me! Us! Me!
88
00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:07,047
NARRATOR: Everywhere Bart went,he was given star treatment.
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00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:08,607
At school...
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00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:12,145
(grunts)
91
00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:16,085
(grunts)
92
00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:18,090
...at the public pool...
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00:04:18,092 --> 00:04:19,692
(Bart laughing)
94
00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:20,693
(Bart grunts)
95
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,794
It's really not
that dangerous.
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00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:25,096
(laughing)
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00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:26,969
NARRATOR:
...with local merchants.
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00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:28,697
Oh, young basketball star,
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00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:30,472
I have something
special for you.
100
00:04:30,471 --> 00:04:33,541
The new 7,200-ounce Squishy.
101
00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:36,710
NARRATOR: But not everyone wascelebrating the Bart-mitzvah.
102
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,810
I got an assignment:
write an article
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00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:41,712
on the school's new hero,
Bart Simpson.
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00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,475
(sighs) This is worse than
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00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:45,984
when we were square-dance
partners in gym.
106
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:47,586
♪ Grab your partner
nice and slow ♪
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00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:48,888
♪ Allemande left and ♪
108
00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:51,989
(slows, distorts):
♪ Do-si-doh. ♪
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00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:54,292
♪ That's the last time
I had work ♪
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00:04:54,295 --> 00:04:55,985
♪ Now I'm just a homeless jerk ♪
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00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,996
♪ Allemande left
and prance to the right ♪
(cat yowls)
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00:04:57,998 --> 00:05:00,298
♪ I need a place
to spend the night. ♪
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00:05:00,301 --> 00:05:02,271
NARRATOR:
Springfield had never won
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00:05:02,269 --> 00:05:04,569
a championship in any sport.
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00:05:04,571 --> 00:05:06,641
The only banner on the gym wall
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00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,740
was one that camewith the building.
117
00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:10,912
But now, there was a shot.
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00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:13,811
I was so proud of Bart,
I did anything I could
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00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,314
to help him practice.
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00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:16,946
Mm!
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00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:18,420
But then it happened.
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00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:19,989
Fame went to Bart's head.
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00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:23,417
Just once, I'd like to see
science go to his head.
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00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:26,464
He's got more D's
than Dolly Parton!
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00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:28,830
I'm not sure what that means,
but please use the joke.
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00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:31,099
I paid someone 25 bucks for it.
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00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:32,198
(music playing over earbuds)
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00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:34,599
Bart Simpson, can ya
please join the team?
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00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:36,771
Man, I am the team.
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00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:38,370
Aw, that tears it!
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00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:39,812
I'm not coaching anymore!
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00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:41,637
I'm going back to
what I love doing:
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00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:44,142
drowning gophers.
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00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:46,784
(whistling)
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00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:48,710
Ah! What was that for?!
136
00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:50,846
Our new coach will be
parent-volunteer
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00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,851
and Bart owner, Homer Simpson.
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00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,323
(reporters gasp)
139
00:05:54,321 --> 00:05:55,621
Do you know anything
about basketball?
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00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:56,622
Why the change?
141
00:05:56,623 --> 00:05:58,293
What is your basketball
philosophy?
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00:05:58,292 --> 00:06:01,362
Shower at home so no one
makes fun of your weenie.
143
00:06:01,362 --> 00:06:03,732
I learned that from
the late great Red Auerbach.
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00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,831
No more questions!
145
00:06:05,833 --> 00:06:07,403
D'oh!
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00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:09,841
What the hell is that thing
doing in a gym?!
147
00:06:09,837 --> 00:06:11,637
Your new coach, everybody!
148
00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:13,838
Bart got a coach
who would kiss his butt
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00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:16,641
like one cheek was Kobe
and the other Kareem.
150
00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:19,483
Well, there is no "I" in "team."
151
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,480
There's no "U" in "effort."
152
00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:22,982
There's no "X" in "dog"!
153
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:25,053
What do Oscar the Grouch's
feet look like?
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00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:26,322
Nobody knows!
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00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:29,090
I have a TV for Bart Simpson.
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00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:31,819
(sighs) Just put it
with the others.
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00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:33,925
I'm worried he's getting
a little spoiled.
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00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:36,227
HOMER:
Oh, that's ridiculous.
159
00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:38,060
Excuse me, sir.
160
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:40,665
Bart says no unauthorized
photography.
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00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:43,067
Don't look directly at him!
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00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,240
(Taser zapping)
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00:06:45,239 --> 00:06:47,309
♪ ♪
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00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:52,111
NARRATOR:
As Bart's showboating veered
165
00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:54,282
ever closer to globetrotting,
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00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:55,951
the disrespect grew.
167
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,719
Can you clean that
for me, Coach?
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00:06:57,718 --> 00:06:59,578
And that, and
that, and those,
169
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,716
and that, and that.
170
00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,622
What are you looking at?
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00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:05,794
HOMER:
What the...?!
172
00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:08,263
NARRATOR: But after oneshowboat shot too many,
173
00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:12,562
Homer Simpson had somethinghe'd never had before: enough.
174
00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:16,026
Uh, son, some of the other
parents are complaining.
175
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:18,036
Apparently, they're attached
to their children,
176
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,208
and they want to see
them touch the ball.
177
00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:22,537
They can touch it
in the team photo.
178
00:07:22,543 --> 00:07:24,643
I'm going to
draw up a play.
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00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:26,475
One where you pass.
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00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,280
Why don't you pass a physical,
you boozy bag of goo.
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00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:32,083
Marge is right.
You're getting spoiled!
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00:07:32,085 --> 00:07:34,785
Before you strangle me, maybe
you should check the scoreboard.
183
00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:38,917
I'm your dad
and your coach.
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00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:40,926
And because no one else
would, your godfather.
185
00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:42,888
So hit the bench!
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00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,896
NARRATOR: When we return,the interesting part.
187
00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:51,904
From now on, you're going
to be a team player.
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00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:53,335
No more important
than anyone.
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00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:54,640
Except Milhouse.
190
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:56,681
I'm on the team
'cause it's my ball.
191
00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:59,007
NARRATOR: Certain peoplehad begun to notice
192
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:01,352
Bart's unhappiness.
193
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:05,618
People withcriminal backgrounds.
194
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:08,589
They had more records
than Dolly Parton.
195
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:12,159
Man, that is a joke
that keeps on giving.
196
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:14,289
This is gonna
break my heart, but...
197
00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:15,794
(groans)
198
00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:18,456
Yeah, the kid was ripe
for criminal exploitation.
199
00:08:18,465 --> 00:08:21,025
And in this town,
the other cops are pathetic.
200
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,544
Fat, lazy.
You want to find one?
201
00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:26,767
Just follow the sound
of a milkshake being sucked.
202
00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:32,676
(slurping)
203
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,609
There's no belt that fits me.
204
00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:36,975
I'm wearing police tape
around my waist.
205
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:40,654
I saw the kid was upset,
so I took him for cannoli.
206
00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:41,994
That's not a crime.
207
00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,819
(whispers): You don't
know what a crime is.
208
00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:46,294
Not that I'd know
what a crime is.
209
00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:47,533
(whispers indistinctly)
210
00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,558
What's with all
the psst-psst-psst?
211
00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:52,733
Have you sprung a leak,
or do you want to?
212
00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:54,803
(whispers): I don't think
that's advisable to say that.
213
00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:57,671
I've been told
I was just kidding.
214
00:08:57,671 --> 00:09:00,971
Fat Tony, enjoy this-a
cannoli on-a the house.
215
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:04,484
It's like eating the
bone-a marrow of an angel.
216
00:09:04,478 --> 00:09:06,508
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
217
00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:09,483
NARRATOR: They talked aboutlife and basketball,
218
00:09:09,483 --> 00:09:12,483
a game Fat Tonyhad always loved.
219
00:09:12,486 --> 00:09:14,686
Basketball is just like life.
220
00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:18,318
It's filled with a court,
shooting and guards.
221
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:19,685
(whispers indistinctly)
222
00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:22,663
Basketball is
nothing like life.
223
00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:26,003
NARRATOR: Fat Tony sawan opening, and he took it.
224
00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:28,069
FAT TONY:
225
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:32,671
BART:
226
00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:36,113
FAT TONY:
227
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:37,779
BOTH:
228
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:39,578
NARRATOR:
And at his next game,
229
00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:41,950
Bart did a very odd thing.
230
00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:44,519
DREDERICK TATUM:
And with Springfield up
by a meager one point,
231
00:09:44,518 --> 00:09:45,618
star guard Bart Simpson
232
00:09:45,619 --> 00:09:47,389
is just dribbling,
he's not shooting,
233
00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:48,717
with two minutes to go.
234
00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:50,792
♪ ♪
235
00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:58,562
I don't know how,
but Homer gained 12 pounds
236
00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:00,095
chewing towels.
237
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,400
I put jelly on 'em.
238
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:03,642
(whistle blows)
239
00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:06,037
Time expired!
240
00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:08,769
Bart didn't know it,
but he was point shaving.
241
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,875
That's when a player
wins the game,
242
00:10:10,877 --> 00:10:13,207
but makes sure his teamdoesn't cover the spread.
243
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:16,583
The team's happy, the gamblers
are happy, everybody wins.
244
00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:18,623
The only unhappy person
is someone like me,
245
00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:20,449
who has to explain the thing.
246
00:10:20,454 --> 00:10:23,394
Well, at least you'll let me
play my saxophone.
247
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:24,590
(inhales deeply)
248
00:10:24,591 --> 00:10:26,091
Good thing you cut that song.
249
00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:29,933
Did you know I once took a train
halfway across Cleveland?
250
00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:31,930
NARRATOR:
This is not a video trick.
251
00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,632
He really just stopped moving,
252
00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:36,234
but Bart had justgotten started.
253
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:37,796
♪ ♪
254
00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:55,589
You could be an accessory
to a crime, you know.
255
00:10:55,589 --> 00:10:57,419
Are you letting
your anger at Dad
256
00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:59,994
make you into a
patsy for the mob?
257
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,933
Hey, Bart Simpson
is nobody's patsy.
258
00:11:01,928 --> 00:11:05,858
Hey, Bart, Fat Tony says to win
by less than six points.
259
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:08,626
Here's a list of acceptable
point differentials.
260
00:11:08,635 --> 00:11:10,665
It could be five, four, three...
261
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,871
You realize you're
having this conversation
262
00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:14,143
in front of a reporter.
263
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:15,671
Hey, I don't see no reporter.
264
00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:18,536
I see a little girl with
futile dreams of fitting in.
265
00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:21,645
Gee whiz, you don't
have to be so mean.
266
00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:24,548
That's the business I'm in!
Whoa! Hey!
267
00:11:26,953 --> 00:11:29,023
(calliope music playing)
268
00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:39,330
Shoot! Shoot!
Just like I drew it up!
269
00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:40,832
Okay, here's a shot:
270
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:43,904
you're not bald, your hair
left out of embarrassment.
271
00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:45,904
Why, you little...!
(choking)
272
00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:47,336
(crowd gasps)
273
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:48,340
(crowd cheers)
274
00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:50,181
(buzzer blares)
275
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:53,077
I'll teach you
to win the game!
276
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,350
You stupid buzzer-beating,
clutch-shooting...
Oh, come on, man.
277
00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:58,349
...ice water in your veins...
I'm taking my talents
to Shelbyville.
278
00:11:58,351 --> 00:12:00,251
...here comes
the post-game interview!
279
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:02,723
You have to give them credit...
This is the first thing
you've done as a coach.
280
00:12:02,723 --> 00:12:04,593
...they played hard!
281
00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:06,661
People are gonna hear
about this, Dad.
I'm so proud of these boys,
282
00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:09,430
and especially our sixth man...
You're still nicer
than Bobby Knight.
283
00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:10,659
...the fans!
284
00:12:10,664 --> 00:12:12,704
All right,
let me hear your side.
285
00:12:12,699 --> 00:12:15,199
Sorry, my side is
exclusive to my charity,
286
00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:16,902
The American Fart
Association.
287
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:17,843
Why, you little...!
288
00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:19,738
(grunting)
289
00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:23,778
(laughs)
290
00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:25,607
Checkmate.
291
00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:27,352
(laughs)
292
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:28,747
D'oh!
293
00:12:28,749 --> 00:12:31,619
NARRATOR: But the boy who couldspin a ball with his doodle
294
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:33,848
was about to learna very tough lesson.
295
00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:39,190
BART:
296
00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:41,262
FAT TONY:
297
00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:45,030
BART:
298
00:12:45,031 --> 00:12:48,071
NARRATOR: Fat Tony deniedhe'd made any money,
299
00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:51,898
but this FBI footagesuggests otherwise.
300
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:53,905
I thought I was just
keeping the score down
301
00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:55,067
to get back at my Dad,
302
00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:57,805
but Fat Tony was betting
against us, every game.
303
00:12:57,811 --> 00:12:59,541
I was a patsy.
304
00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:01,076
Ow! She didn't mean that.
305
00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:03,651
D'oh! Ow! Ow!
306
00:13:13,059 --> 00:13:14,329
I was scared, Milhouse scared.
307
00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:17,127
Why do you keep cutting to me?
308
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,830
And then it got worse.
309
00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:20,932
Fat Tony told me
to lose the finals.
310
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,944
Not win by a little,
but lose or else.
311
00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:25,097
"Or else"?
312
00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:27,405
My client does not
speak like that.
313
00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:30,507
Yeah, now drop
the subject, or else.
314
00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:32,980
Edit that out, or else.
315
00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:35,979
I-I'm gonna stop talking...
or else.
316
00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:37,152
Damn it.
317
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,820
NARRATOR:
What did Fat Tony say to Bart?
318
00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:43,350
His capo, Johnny Tightlips,refused to talk.
319
00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:49,657
Anyone here own a black
Lincoln Continental,
320
00:13:49,663 --> 00:13:51,963
license plate,
"Zero to Say"?
321
00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:53,155
It's being towed.
322
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,466
Sir, you're the
only one here.
323
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:55,827
I saw you
get out of it.
324
00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,366
Yeah, maybe it is.
Maybe I am.
325
00:13:57,370 --> 00:13:58,870
Maybe you did.
Or maybe it's not.
326
00:13:58,872 --> 00:14:00,272
And I'm not, and you didn't.
327
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:02,043
But you didn't hear this,
that, or the other thing.
328
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:02,942
Or maybe you did.
329
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:06,043
Hey! My granny's in there!
330
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:08,446
Shaving points was one thing,
but he wanted me to lose.
331
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:11,748
I let down my team.
I let down my town.
332
00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:24,197
So, I guess this is where
I break down and cry.
333
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:27,727
(crying)
334
00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:29,904
Hey, I'm the one
who's supposed to cry.
335
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:32,503
No. This is my story.
336
00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:33,495
Tighten on me.
337
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:34,906
Tighten on me.
338
00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:37,478
Fine. Tighten on him
then rack focus to me.
339
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:40,037
Dad, this is supposed to be
about us getting together.
340
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,476
Fine. Tighten on him.
Rack focus to me.
341
00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:43,682
Cut to a wide shot.
342
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:44,723
Split screen with Marge.
343
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:46,478
Truck in, nice and slow.
344
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:49,246
Then cut to a "B" roll of meeating a tuna fish sandwich.
345
00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:51,386
Dad, how did you
learn these things?
346
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:54,091
Son, show business is
everybody's business.
347
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:56,934
Dutch angle, photo negative
and freeze!
348
00:14:56,930 --> 00:15:00,160
I'm a excommation point!
349
00:15:00,166 --> 00:15:02,926
In the gym that night, you could
cut the tension with a knife,
350
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:05,236
but, uh, we don't allow
knives in school,
351
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:06,698
not even in metaphors.
352
00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:09,206
♪ We got to fight
the powers that be ♪
353
00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:10,839
♪ Fight the power ♪
354
00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:13,678
♪ Fight the power. ♪
355
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,980
(crowd cheering)
356
00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:20,288
ANGER WATKINS:
Another bucket by Bart Simpson!
357
00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:22,587
His sloppy play
is a distant memory,
358
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:23,889
like Nelson's father.
359
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,590
Yeah, interesting
side note:
360
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:28,592
Nelson left a ticket for his
father in case he showed up.
361
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:30,855
And he did show up, but
then he sold the ticket
362
00:15:30,864 --> 00:15:33,364
without seeing Nelson,
and he skipped town again.
363
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:34,566
You believe that?
364
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:36,597
Rejected!
365
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,103
Like I've been rejected.
366
00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:39,874
Nothing but net!
367
00:15:39,873 --> 00:15:41,773
Which is what my mom
wears in the strip club.
368
00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:44,735
It was in the third quarter
when the game really got weird,
369
00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:47,014
and I got a low bar for weird.
370
00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:49,108
(grunts)
371
00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:51,615
Bart went to shoot,
and took a hard foul
372
00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:52,978
from his own best friend.
373
00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:54,686
♪ ♪
374
00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:09,932
Let's just say Bart wasn't the
only one Fat Tony had gotten to.
375
00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:12,566
This was my bobblehead.
376
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:16,912
They got to him, in my bedroom,
where he bobbled.
377
00:16:16,910 --> 00:16:18,840
Hey, let's just say
that bobblehead
378
00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:21,275
won't be attending
no more giveaway days.
379
00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:23,111
You keep shooting
your mouth,
380
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:26,746
you'll wind up in that building
going up on Third Street.
381
00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:29,693
It's a Third Street address, but
actually you enter on Lincoln.
382
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:31,819
Yet another
secret revealed!
383
00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:34,455
I'm sorry, Dad.
I was a jerk.
384
00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:36,131
The good thing
about being a kid
385
00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:39,659
is you get to make mistakes so
you don't make them as an adult.
386
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:40,766
Thanks, Dad.
387
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:42,667
But don't you still
make mistakes?
388
00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:45,699
The best one
was you, son. Aw.
389
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,465
Now go win that game!
390
00:16:47,474 --> 00:16:49,544
NARRATOR:
And win he did.
391
00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:54,054
He blew our net budget
for the next ten years.
392
00:16:54,047 --> 00:16:56,177
(buzzer blares)
393
00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:58,952
NARRATOR:
But not everyone was cheering.
394
00:16:58,952 --> 00:17:00,182
Is he going for a gun?
395
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:01,286
(sighs):
Oh.
396
00:17:01,287 --> 00:17:03,147
Get me a gun.
(screams)
397
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:04,716
We thought we
were goners.
398
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:07,564
Our lives flashed
before our eyes.
399
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,630
I had a lot of crazy jobs.
400
00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:12,229
And then the cavalry came
on her stupid high horse.
401
00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:13,662
LISA:
Let them go.
402
00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:16,866
Really? And what
do you have on me?
403
00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:17,840
The goods.
404
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:19,867
The goods?
Oh, that sounds bad.
405
00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:22,573
Fat Tony, may I speak
to you in Italian?
406
00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:24,375
I don't know Italian.
407
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:25,707
How about Sicilian?
408
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:26,842
That's a language?
409
00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:28,676
How about I say it
like Porky Pig?
410
00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:29,981
E-ba-dee, e-ba-dee, e-ba-dee,
e-ba-dee, e-ba-dee...
411
00:17:29,983 --> 00:17:31,583
Say what you got to say.
412
00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:34,394
Turns out I'm the hero
of this documentary.
413
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,047
I think that deserves a chyron.
414
00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:40,491
It happens that
Fat Tony had a secret,
415
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:43,733
a secret I had uncovered
with a little bit of research.
416
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:46,660
I wondered, if Fat Tonyliked basketball so much,
417
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:47,896
why didn't he play?
418
00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,931
Turns out he had.
419
00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:51,866
For a girls' team.
420
00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:55,211
And if there's one thing aMafia boss doesn't want known,
421
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:57,838
it's that he wasthe third-string shooting guard
422
00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,914
on theSpringfield Little Debbies.
423
00:18:02,015 --> 00:18:04,175
You keep quiet
about what you know.
424
00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:05,954
All of you keep quiet!
425
00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:07,392
Keep quiet about what, boss?
426
00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:08,847
The man Spanx you wear?
427
00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:11,085
Your high school nickname,
Robert DeZero?
428
00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:13,361
The way you cried
at Toy Story 2?
429
00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:14,889
That's not even the sad one.
430
00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:15,964
What? What?
431
00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:18,202
Why do you keep talking?
432
00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:20,028
I'm sorry.
It's a nervous condition.
433
00:18:20,033 --> 00:18:23,633
Can you give me the name of
that secret shrink you see?
434
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:24,796
So, we made a deal.
435
00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:27,444
I'd forget if Fat Tony forgave.
436
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,240
But now the
secret's out.
437
00:18:29,242 --> 00:18:30,812
It's in a documentary.
438
00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:33,440
No one watches those,
unless it's a documentary
439
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:36,246
where a rich guy kills people
and no one knows about it.
440
00:18:36,249 --> 00:18:38,279
As far as you know.
(chuckles)
441
00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:43,454
BURNS:
I'm guilty, guilty, guilty.
442
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:45,056
SMITHERS:
Sir, you know you're on mic.
443
00:18:45,058 --> 00:18:46,988
BURNS: Who is this Mike
you're speaking of?
444
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,163
We'll kill him, too!
445
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:51,331
NARRATOR: But all sports storieshave an upside,
446
00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:54,001
unless you'rea Detroit Lions fan.
447
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,570
So this young man,
showboat and friend of the mob,
448
00:18:57,570 --> 00:19:00,170
gets off with not even
a slap on the wrist.
449
00:19:00,173 --> 00:19:03,313
It's a travesty
wrapped in outrage,
450
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:07,149
marinated in a sauce
of everything's gone to hell!
451
00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:10,108
I admit, it was fun.
452
00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:13,476
For a short time, we had
our own little superstar.
453
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:15,086
And he kept playing.
454
00:19:15,088 --> 00:19:17,458
Then he ran up
against one tall kid,
455
00:19:17,457 --> 00:19:19,757
and found outhe really wasn't that good.
456
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:23,529
But Lisa, Lisa had a real
talent for journalism.
457
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:25,100
Whatever that gets us.
458
00:19:25,098 --> 00:19:27,768
Homer, we have to end
on something sweet.
459
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,697
(lovingly):
Whatever that gets us.
460
00:19:35,008 --> 00:19:36,938
♪ Now basketball
is my favorite sport ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
461
00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:39,113
♪ I like the way they dribble
up and down the court ♪
(whistle blows)
462
00:19:39,112 --> 00:19:41,112
♪ I keep it so fresh
on the microphone ♪
463
00:19:41,114 --> 00:19:42,884
♪ I like no interruption
when the game is on ♪
♪ Game's on ♪
464
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:45,022
♪ I like slam dunks
that take me to the hoop ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
465
00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:46,118
♪ My favorite play is... ♪
466
00:19:46,119 --> 00:19:47,489
Sorry, y'all.
467
00:19:47,487 --> 00:19:49,547
♪ I like the pick-and-roll,
I like the give-and-go ♪
468
00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:52,356
♪ And it's basketball,
Bow Wow, let's go... ♪
469
00:19:52,358 --> 00:19:54,958
Yeah. Nothing but nerd.
470
00:19:54,961 --> 00:19:56,231
♪ All around the world ♪
471
00:19:56,229 --> 00:19:59,529
♪ We love that basketball ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪
472
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,802
No, I didn't!
473
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:03,971
♪ Basketball... ♪
474
00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:06,900
I admit it, I was a total boob.
475
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:09,506
Oh! Why do I keep going there?
476
00:20:09,509 --> 00:20:12,479
♪ Let's go ♪
♪ They're playing basketball ♪
477
00:20:12,478 --> 00:20:13,878
♪ All around the world ♪
478
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,850
♪ We love that basketball... ♪
479
00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:18,648
NARRATOR:
And Nelson's dad came back.
480
00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:19,921
And I should know.
481
00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:21,049
He's me.
482
00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:23,054
Haw-haw!
483
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:24,916
(gasps) Papa!
484
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:28,094
(crying)
485
00:20:28,094 --> 00:20:30,664
So, you're making
narrator money.
486
00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:34,033
That's right, and I
brought Nelson a gift.
487
00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:36,403
Sleeves for my vest!
488
00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:39,842
Son, you look just like
a parole officer.
489
00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:43,039
NARRATOR: And so we werea family again,
490
00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:45,112
just long enoughto take this picture.
491
00:20:55,722 --> 00:20:58,792
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
492
00:21:31,991 --> 00:21:33,891
Shh!
34784
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